A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Settling In

Hello friends!!

I'm still alive...but just barely, lol. I am indescribably exhausted. Not only from the moving and unpacking and organizing, but I can also tell it's from ALL the bad eating I've done since Friday. It's been bad....really bad....I've focused on nothing but the move....haven't counted a single calorie since Friday....have eaten whatever someone brought me from whatever restaurant. I will pay for that this Friday and do my best to undo it by the following Friday.

Let's back up a bit. Dwayne came over Friday night and we had every single little thing done, ready to move. Got up early Sat morn and called the moving company to see just how late they were going to be. The lady in the ofc said they had a "small" move to do ahead of me and that they should be there in about 4 hours...meaning around 12:30pm. Well.....long story short....they showed up at my apt at 7:30pm Sat night. I think I finally fell in bed around 2am Sunday morning.

Back up around 6:30am Sunday to unpack everything and get organized. Busy all day and all night Sunday. Today I got up early and got out to run some errands and turn the keys and gate cards back into the apt complex. The girl that works in the ofc has been so upset over us leaving. She's worked there for a couple of years now, and we've lived there for 3 1/2 years. She actually had me in tears by the time I left with all the hugging and inviting me back for pool parties anytime. Sweet, sweet girl. I'm going to miss her, too.

Got back home this afternoon and finished organizing stuff. I'm proud to say that every single box is finally unpacked and everything is in it's place. I have a few little items in my closet on the shelves that I need to sort through....like the paper that has all my awesome quotes written on it! lol

My kitchen is finally in order and I cooked dinner tonight for the first time in 4 days. Can't say I wanted to.....simply because every single joint and muscle on my body are aching so bad. I've been averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night since Friday night....I'm just exhausted.

I love the house....we're renting it from my parents. They live right next door (own both houses). They used to live in this one....then moved next door a year ago, decided they like this one better, so they're planning on moving back in next summer after the other house sells. Thinking about going through another move in just one more year makes me want to cry, lol. I'm worn out. I'm very happy with the house and very happy that I managed to get everything unpacked and in it's place in 2 days. I've been working like a maniac.

However, now that it is time to sit down and post about all of it, the guilt is flooding my brain now over all the bad eating...after all, this IS a weight loss blog. Bummer. I suck, lol. I really tried to make myself go to the park today and walk, but my aching joints just wouldn't allow it. At this point, I'm hobbling around the house like an 80 year old woman. My get-up-and-go, got up and went, lol.

It's back to counting calories in the morning and for the next 3 days. I'll do my best to minimize the damage. I think it's safe to assume the 3.4 lb loss I wanted is a joke now, lol. Now it's time to pray I don't have a 3.4 lb. GAIN by Friday morning! I'm not going to freak about this....I'm slowly learning and reminding myself that the picture's bigger than this one week that I was moving. It's about a lifestyle change......this is forever.

Putting my nose to the grindstone when I wake up tomorrow morning...it's back to the egg whites! And to tell you the truth, I can't wait. I've been eating so good and so healthy for 3 months now. After a weekend full of whatever...my body is cussing me like you wouldn't believe. I physically feel like crap. My brain feels like it's in a fog....my stomach is killing me. I didn't realize how much "lighter" I felt on the inside eating so many whole foods and so much less processed and fast foods. Now I realize just how much good I've been doing for myself and I can't wait to get back to it. It feels good to feel good and I miss it.

I hope everyone's weekend was much calmer and more relaxing than mine was. I missed all of you! It's good to be back. I'm fixing to go soak in a nice, hot tub of water and then I'm crashing for the night. I'll do some catching up on blogs tomorrow. Sweet dreams. :)

Friday, August 28, 2009

Moving Madness

Quick post! I finally got all the cleaning done in the apt so I won't have to come back and do anything later. The movers called today and left me a voicemail saying they didn't get all their moves done today, so they're pushing me back in the morning and doing one ahead of me. Grrrrrrrr!! I'm so pissed about this...but it's totally out of my control (probably why I'm so pissed). Everything's done....just waiting on them to get here tomorrow...WHENEVER THAT IS!!! I'm very proud of myself that despite my mostly empty refrigerator, I planned well enough to stay under 1500 calories today. Woo Hoo! I don't have my food planned out for tomorrow at all due to no real schedule, so I'll just do the best I can. Hope everyone has a terrific weekend...be back soon! :)

Sunshine On a Rainy Day

I lost 1.2 lbs. this week....I am down to 242.8. Woo Hoo! I'll take it! Any loss is a good loss and one to be proud of!

It's raining out so I just watched the news. They said it's going to be raining in the entire Northeast all weekend. Great. Sounds like all of my stuff is getting soaked tomorrow morning in the move. Oh who cares! I just want it done and over with. Thankfully, I've already moved over 90% of the boxes on my own...the movers are taking all the heavy furniture and maybe 8-10 more boxes. So I won't have a bunch of wet cardboard boxes to deal with. That's a plus! :)

As you know, my goal for each month is to lose 10 lbs. That puts me needing to lose 3.4 lbs next week to wrap up this month. I'm going to push myself hard to get it done....which means 1500 calories a day and a good walk on the treadmill each day. If I fall short, that's okay.....at least I know I'm still moving in the right direction. I like giving myself goals to keep myself motivated, even if I do set them a little high. The important thing is that I'm slowly but surely experiencing the mental changes that will help me reach and SUSTAIN a healthy weight for the rest of my life.

I'm off to do some last minute packing, laundry and cleaning. I've just about got it all done. It's going to be a great day! I'll try to do a post tonight to let you know how my day went before I pack up my laptop. If not, I'll definitely drop in tmrw night and update you. If it's raining where you are, then I hope you find a little sunshine in your day, too. :)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

No Worries

I said I wasn't going to worry about my weigh-in tomorrow morning and I've done pretty good with that. To tell you the truth, I've been so busy cleaning up and doing last minute packing that I haven't really had time to dwell on it. The good news is I've stayed below my calorie limit from Sunday through today and I've been on the treadmill. The bad news is, my stress level is through the roof wanting everything to go smooth with this move. I've never hired movers before because I've never been able to afford it. The only way I'm able to do it this time is because Dwayne's paying over half of it for me. If they break something, I'm just going to die, lol.

I've been working since sun up today and I'm so tired. I just got out of the shower and I think I'm going to curl up in bed with my baby Scarlette. I'm hoping to be able to post some pics of her soon so you can see who I'm always talking about. She's the light of my life. I'm ready for some snuggle time. 'Nite all. :)

Quote For The Day:

"The happiest life is that which constantly exercises and educates that which is best in us." -Hamerton

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Two-Bite Rule

I have noticed that a lot of my dear blogging friends have some of the same food issues that I do. My two major ones, and the ones that have been the hardest to overcome, are fast food and mega buffets. I've pretty much got the fast food thing beat (I think). Since I started my blog in June, I have been to 3 different fast food chains.......once to Taco Bell, two or three times to Krystal's, and several times to Subway. I have counted my calories each time, and stayed within my limits eating at these places. Yes, the sodium is still an issue....but I have SERIOUSLY curbed the frequency that I eat at these places. SERIOUSLY.

Mega buffets are a whole other beast. Under this category, we can include any and all functions/parties/reunions/pot lucks, etc. where there is a large, delectable spread of calorie laden, absolutely deliciously tempting foods. As you know from last Friday's post, they freak me the hell out. I'm sure the reason must be obvious to all of you reading. It's really very simple. I have a very long, very bad history with these things, and I still don't trust myself.

I am TRYING to remember that I've changed my habits, am eating TONS more healthier foods now, whole foods, and WAY less processed foods. But as soon as I'm presented with these situations (i.e., breakfast at Golden Corral with Dwayne last Saturday), my brain just locks up. I immediately revert back to what I've ALWAYS done in my mind, and what I've always done is downright shameful. If a large roast beef sandwich, large curly fries and a 22 oz Coke at Arby's is 1330 calories....then I've probably put away 2500 calories IN ONE SITTING at a buffet. And I don't mean on a super starving, haven't eaten all day, kind of day......I mean on any given day. I can't believe I'm actually writing this down....how embarassing. But hey...the truth hurts.

Thanks to Jack's post last Friday, I did pretty good. I might not have eaten only 500 calories like Sean suggested, but it darn sure wasn't 2500. I had one plate, there was no piling, and half of the plate was fruit...watermelon, peaches, strawberries and cantaloupe. I'm getting better.

I also had a family reunion to go to a couple of weeks ago, and that's where I employed the Two-Bite rule. There were so many things I wanted to try, but knew I was only going to eat one plate, so instead of getting a whole spoon of everything I wanted, I only got a little...two bites worth. I learned this technique from a lady who was in one of my previous Weight Watchers classes.

She was new to the class, and within a couple of weeks of joining, was faced with a mega buffet that she couldn't avoid. She told us that she decided the best two bites of anything we eat are the first and the last....so why bother with all the extra calories in the middle? Total epiphany for me. The heavens opened up and I'm certain I heard angels singing. This way, you still get to have what others around you are having. You don't have to smell the scrumptiousness and not get to sample it. You don't have to feel deprived. Just grab a couple of bites and make them the best-tasting two bites of anything you've ever had.

It worked for me at the family reunion, and I'm sure it will work for you too. As far as places like Golden Corral for me....I'm still working on it...I'm still working on me. I don't think I'm going to panic the next time I get lassoed into going. As Jack said, a buffet doesn't have to be a death sentence. I'm glad he said that to me, because that's exactly how I was looking at it. I was headed to the gallows. All was lost. I'm so glad I was wrong. I have to say that these mental changes are the hardest part. But practice makes perfect....actually, a teacher once told me that perfect practice makes perfect. I like that better.

I'll keep working on me, and you keep working on you, and we'll get there together. The changes are happening, maybe slowly for people like me, but they ARE happening. Freedom is coming. I can see it in the distance, and every day that we choose to make the better choices, is a day closer to what we're fighting for. If you can't see it yet, look through my eyes. It's there...looming in the distance, just waiting for us to catch up. The victory is for the taking...and each of us WILL claim it. Onward, my friends.....onward. :)

All Caught Up

Super short post. I finally, just now, got all caught up on everyone's blogs. I read and commented for 6 hours last night....and just finished up a 4 hour marathon tonight. It's 1:45am here in Georgia...and I'm going to lay down and pray my mind shuts off so I can get some good rest. 2 more days til weigh day, 3 more days til the big move. Came in 90 calories under my limit again today, and walked on the treadmill also. Things are good. 'Nite, nite. :)

Quote For The Day:

"In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends." -John Churton Collins

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Better Than Ever

I'm back, and I'm better than ever!

I gotta' tell ya'....when I first started this blog back in June, most of the posts were negative. I was in the beginning stages of fighting a very serious addiction to food. I didn't really know how to do it, didn't think I had the tools...just started working towards it.....I was going to say day by day because my motto was "One Day at a Time"....but the truth is, it was hour by hour.

As I've progressed, the posts have become more positive in nature. Not all of them, but more than not. I didn't realize how much I was enjoying the joyous changes in myself, my attitude, my mentality until I went back and read the posts from Friday and Sunday. They made me want to barf. The negativity and the defeatist attitude made me sick. Down in the mouth and feeling sorry for yourself is no way to live....certainly not for me anyway!

Skinny Tammy is back in business and will try to curb those negative posts when things get a little hairy around here. My apologies to all of you for having to read that crap, and more importantly, my many, many thanks to all of you who took the time to post. Thank you for the encouragement, the prayers, the helpful tips and suggestions.....thank you for being the amazing people that you are. I feel very blessed that I have met and gotten to know all of you through your blogs and through the comments you leave on mine.

There's something else I need to say. Someone commented that it sounds like I'm a strong Christian and should rely on my faith....I'm just too exhausted to go back and look again at who said it (it's 1:45am right now), but I think it was Susan at The Quiet Diet. Whoever you were, lol, thank you so much. How sad is it to have to be reminded of something as paramount as that?

Yes, I am a Christian. I am nowhere near perfect (i.e., the cussing in my posts), but my faith in Jesus Christ is unwaivering. There's a catch here though. Faith only works if you use it. If you exercise it. I can say I pray and I believe in God to take care of things....but actually trusting Him to do so and letting go of the worry are two very different things. It took one of my beloved followers to remind me of my own faith. Total DUH! moment on my end. So glad she stated the obvious for me....THANK YOU!! :)

Here's another thing. Sleep deprivation does terrible things to your mind, and if you suffer from it long enough, it will come out in your posts. I've had insomnia for years.....not every single night....it comes and goes in spurts. I've been in a pretty long spurt for the last few months. My body can be completely exhausted but my mind just will NOT shut off. So much to think (and worry) about. I refuse to take sleeping pills because if I had started taking them 10 years ago for this, just imagine what kind of addiction I'd have by now. Who needs another addiction? So a lot of my "Woe is me" talk stemmed from that.

Here's an update on what's going on with Shane. I went to bed around 11pm...probably finally fell asleep at 1am....he started hollering in pain at 1:45am, begging me for another pain pill. He had taken the previous one 3 hours earlier. I got up and gave it to him with strict instructions that he wasn't getting another one til 4 hours had passed. I was worried he'd take them all too soon and then he'd really be in trouble. That led to me being awake for another couple of hours. Probably got back to sleep around 4am and got up at 7am.

I cooked him a cheese omelette and fed it to him, took him to the bathroom, gave him a sponge bath (leaving the real, naked bath for his gf to do this evening after work), and got him dressed. We spent a couple of hours on the phone with insurance companies and his orthopaedic dr's ofc. Finally got an appt. for 2:15pm today in Alpharetta (nearly an hour away). Then we called the hospital and ordered a copy of his x-rays. Drove up to Cartersville and got those and stopped by the store to get some printer paper. Drove back to Kennesaw and printed off the papers he needed to fill out for the doctor, as well as some insurance papers he needed his doctor to sign. Left again and headed to Alpharetta for his appointment, both of us nervous about whether or not he'd have to have another surgery. He's already had 4 surgeries on this shoulder from a previous injury.

Good news!! The doctor told us that while there is definitely a Grade 2 A/C separation between his collarbone and shoulder bone, it's not bad enough to need surgery. Praise the Lord!! Surgery would have meant him having no use of either arm for at least 6 months...constant care. What an answer to prayer! Shane has supplemental insurance through Aflac, and they will send him a check for things related to the accident and follow-up care, so that will be extra money in the household. He also had some vacation time at work available. Normally you have to request it 2 weeks in advance to be able to use it, but they made an exception due to his car accident, and they are letting him use it for this week, so that he'll still get his regular full paycheck. Another answer to prayer!!

The doctor said the sling is strictly for comfort...he doesn't need/have to wear it, so as soon as he was told that, he took it off and started doing for himself, like taking himself to the bathroom...another answer to prayer!! The doctor also told him to take the week off to rest the shoulder, gave him a note for work, and told him to go back to work next Monday....another answer to prayer!! Isn't God amazing? I surely think so. :)

Now, for the REALLY important stuff. How does all of this figure into my weight loss? Well I already told you that Friday sucked. I did manage to get my exercise in on the treadmill....I think it was 2.5 mi. in 34 mins. But the eating wasn't so hot. Thankfully, I read Jack's comment Friday night before I hit the buffet Saturday morning, so that day ended up being pretty successful. I didn't count calories, but I made some pretty darn good choices for what I was faced with. The bad part is, no treadmill. The good news is, Dwayne FINALLY bought a car. No more all-day car shopping!!! Oh thank you God, I was getting so tired of that. First of all, I have zero patience. Dwayne has the patience of Job. He literally researches nearly all of his purchases for weeks/months before he makes them. So on something as big as a car, it took 3 months. He ended up with an '04 Honda Accord v-6 coupe and he really loves it. His patience paid off and I'm happy for him. :)

Sunday....the day of the car wreck. I came in 90 calories under my limit. Did you hear that???? NO STRESS EATING! NONE! I had total control over the calories in the midst of absolute chaos. I even took Shane by Krystal's after we left the hospital because he hadn't eaten in 9 hours. And I got 2 Krystal's!! I had plenty of calories left for the day, I knew that they are 160 calories each, so I had 2. Kept me from feeling totally deprived of my favorite fast food, especially when having to smell them in my car...and I still came in 90 calories under budget. Now that, my friends, is success. Here's the bad part, lol. It was the 2nd day in a row of no treadmill. I just couldn't seem to find the time to fit it in that day. I had an extremely busy day before I got the call about the wreck, and was in fact walking to my closet to get my tennis shoes to go for my walk when I got the call. So, didn't happen.

Today...I am, again, 90 calories under budget. However, I made it down to the treadmill. We had a super busy day taking care of all Shane's stuff, but I told myself I was going tonight come Hell or high water. When Billie got here to give Shane his bath, I ran down there and did something I haven't done as of yet. I knocked out 3 miles finally! The most I've done so far was 2.75 miles in 40 mins. Tonight I did 3 miles in 42 mins and proud is not the word for it. Oh man, what a fantastic feeling to know I'm progressing. I started out only doing 1 mile and 15 mins!!!!

I didn't feel any pain during those 3 miles. Wanna' know why? Because pain is just weakness leaving the body. I felt a lot of weakness leaving my body....and what an awesome feeling it was!! Bye-bye weakness....see ya'...wouldn't wanna' be ya!! Ha Ha Ha!!! Hooray for Skinny Tammy....I'm walking right out of this fat body and into a new life! Yeah Baby!!

I'm 3 days away from weigh day. I can think about all the sodium I've had so far this week. I'm also told that not getting enough sleep negatively affects weight loss. And don't they say too much stress has the same negative effects? Did I mention Shane's car wreck and the fact that I'm moving to the new house this weekend?? lol There's a lot of things I can worry about in regards to whether or not I'll show a loss this Friday...it might be a gain, who knows? But I'm not going to worry. I'm just not. And that's thanks to Sean.

We emailed Friday night for a bit and he told me to forget about that stupid scale...in fact I think he said to throw it out the window, lol. He told me that if I keep doing what I know is right, then the losses will come. I know he's right. I want to see one every single week, but I know I won't...might not even on the weeks that I do every single thing right. Thank you for the advice Sean. I'm not going to worry like I have. It's a fast-track to self-sabotage for me, and that's just not cool. Thanks to all of you specifically for the comments on Friday night's post about the buffet. Those are still my weak points. My major fear. I want to especially thank Jack since he was the only comment I read before I went. He's the reason for my success that day. I ran his advice through my head all day Saturday. I thank him for caring enough to even offer his advice, as I thank all of you.

I know this was a super long post....just had so much to tell you!! Glad we're all caught up now. :) I spent 6 hours tonight catching up on commenting on blogs and I only got to Less of Lisa so far. What a lesson this has been...I will NEVER go 3 whole days w/o commenting again, lol. I'm enjoying catching up on what's been going on with you guys, and promise to get to the other half of you tomorrow. Sleep tight everyone. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and He shall say, 'Here I am'." -Isaiah 58:9

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Things Are Really Bad

Thank you for all for your supportive and helpful comments from my last post. Unfortunately, the only one I got to read Friday night was Jack's....but I'm so glad I did. I carried his advice with me during the 9 hours away from home and 2 restaurant meals on Saturday. Breakfast at Golden Corral was 1 plate, no piling, and half of it was fruit. Lunch was at a bar and grille....1/2 of a grilled grouper sandwich w/ lettuce & tomato and 5 fries....everything else went in the trash. Water to drink.

Was very busy today w/ doing stuff at the new house...our official "move" date is this coming Saturday. Was thinking everything was right on track when I got a text message this afternoon. It was from my roommate Shane's girlfriend, Billie. Shane had been in a car wreck and was in the emergency room. I zoomed up there....the xrays came back, and he has a 3" gap inbetween his clavicle bone and another bone that should have no gap inbetween them.

Here's why things are so bad. Shane had cerebal palsy at birth, and only has one good arm to start with. That arm is the one that is now in a sling. That "good" arm, has already had 4 previous surgeries on the shoulder. There's so much scar tissue that I'm not sure it can handle another surgery, but the ER doctor told him he MUST see an orthopaedic surgeon tomorrow morning.

Here's where it gets worse. He's now out of work. He does telemarketing work, and uses that one hand to do all his typing. Now he can't do anything. My unemployment check is pathetic. I can barely hold my own head above water each month, just trying to pay my half of the bills. There's no way in the world I can pay his half too. We are seriously headed into a downward spiral financially here and I just don't know what to do.

Here's where it gets even worse. He can't do anything for himself while his arm's in that sling. He can't drive, use the phone, feed himself, bathe himself, dress himself, or go to the bathroom and take care of himself. I will have to do it for him. I am fixing to have a much more intimate knowledge of Shane than I ever cared to have. And I will have to be here 24/7 to help him. I can't leave the apt in case he needs something. I can't take care of any last minute stuff before the move. I'm overwhelmed and consumed with stress right now. This is my reality right now and it sucks big time.

I feel really bad about writing such a negative post after the last negative post Friday night, but there's just nothing positive going on right now. I figured I better say something so you didn't think I fell off the face of the earth....although taking a flying leap is sounding pretty damn good right about now.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Gonna' Be A Bad Weekend

Short post. All of my food plans went out the window today. We were away from home for 6 hours car shopping. The good news is Dwayne thinks he found a car he wants. The bad news is, we're going to be away from the house several more hours tomorrow. He's taking the car to a mechanic to get it looked at, and if it's okay then it's back to the dealership for a couple of hours of paperwork and letting them do an oil change, etc. Then we're putting 2 new tires on my car. He said he doesn't want to waste time on me waiting to cook in the morning, so our day is starting off with the breakfast buffet at Golden Corral. I'm assuming it's only going to get worse from there. So I've resolved to forget that today and tomorrow ever happened and start fresh on Sunday when HE'S NOT HERE. I love him to pieces but.....well, you know what I mean. Maybe I can eek out a couple pound loss in the 5 days of good eating I'll have. Depends on how much damage I do between now and tomorrow night. Ugh.

Quote For The Day:

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank You Jesus!!!!

The scale says 244.0 this morning. I lost 6 lbs.!!!!!!!!!! I'm giving all the praise to God. He is the one I draw my strength from on my travels. He is the reason I was able to stay on the straight and narrow this week and move myself and my weight loss to the TOP of the priority list.

Thanks also to all of YOU for the wonderfully supportive comments that keep my spirits up and spur me on when I'm feeling overwhelmed. The constant support, encouragement and comraderie is immeasurable and it makes this journey so much more pleasant than going it alone. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone.

I just finished my breakfast casserole. It was only 176 calories so I'm off to a good start. Dwayne isn't here yet so I'm fixing to strap on my tennis shoes and go rock it out on the treadmill!! Hopefully I'll be back later tonight if I'm not wore slap out with an update on how a whole day of eating with Dwayne went. Pray for me, lol.

Quote For The Day:

"I can do all things through Christ Jesus which strengtheneth me." -Phillippians 4:13

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Holding My Breath

Weigh-in Eve. Oh the stress, lol. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I am praying for at least 2 lbs. tomorrow morning. I don't want to expect too much for sure....but man I feel like I earned at least a 2 lb. loss. I am totally dreading the week a plateau hits. Don't let this week be it! I guess it doesn't really matter which week it is...I'm doing the same work, so it doesn't make a difference when it finally sneaks up and bites me. Been wondering what I'll do when it happens....what does everyone else do? Do you keep the same calorie amount each day or do you reduce it? Do you increase your daily exercise? Pam told me a while back that she hit one a while back and it lasted several weeks. That scares the living crap out of me....I want to be in Destin by next April!!!! At least by next summer....please God??!! PLEASE??!!

I finally got around tonight to checking some blogs of my newest followers. Melanie gave me an award and I didn't even know it!!!! Thanks Melanie...how sweet of you to think of me...and greatly appreciated! I also received another award today...from Brittany at Me vs. The Buffet. She has a homemade blog award, complete with fat rolls and a piece of fried chicken in her hand...lol...and I am the PROUD recipient!! Awesome!!

Dwayne called today and said he's taking the day off tomorrow and spending the whole day with me. Then he said, "Aren't you excited honey?!" While he was busy being excited, I was busy wondering how in the heck he was going to wreck my eating, lol. I told him of course I was excited....he's been looking for a "new" used car for about 3 months now and he wants to do some more looking tomorrow. I'll be so happy when he finally gets settled on something and we don't spend an ENTIRE day away from home and eating at fast food restaurants. Stresses me to no end. My current plan is to eat a piece of my 176 calorie breakfast casserole in the morning....and then pray we're at home around lunch time so I can make us some 350 calorie turkey burgers. Then there's always the fun of trying to figure out a dinner that both of us will eat....one that he will enjoy and not turn his nose up at....and one that I can eat guilt-free and still stay within my calorie budget. Here's his idea of food: Meat, Bad Carbs, Sweets, Absolutely NO VEGETABLES. Did I mention I'm stressed? lol

Well I think I'm all caught up on my blog reading and commenting for the day. Time to catch up on a little more laundry and a game of fetch with my baby puppy dog, Scarlette. I wish I could put pictures up. I really suck at this blogging thing, lol. Maybe I'll see if Pam can help me with some soon. She knows how AddAGadget-challenged I am. :)

Quote For The Day:

"I demolish my bridges behind me...then there is no choice but to move forward." -Firdtjof Nansen

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What's It Like?

I have done great this week with the calorie counting, staying under my limit, drinking tons of water, and getting on the treadmill every single day. But here's the cold, hard truth about it. It's been dang hard this week. It has been a total and complete struggle. I have wanted to eat as much as my big, fat body would possibly hold EVERY day this week. Why? I have no idea. No clue.

I feel like the mental changes are happening slowly. I've definitely made the decision to get the weight off once and for all. I've resisted all temptation and MADE myself do right this week. But it has been a downright, hour-to-hour struggle every single day....some days resulting in really high anxiety levels and stress headaches....all because of wanting to overeat. Insanity.

The reason I haven't overeaten, indulged a little over my limits, or binged is not because I'm awesome. I'm nowhere near awesome, lol. If I were, this would be a breeze. I think the reason I've stayed on track is for one simple, basic reason. I'm desperate. I am truly desperate to stop living as an obese person. Isn't 25 years long enough? I think so. I'm so desperate to know what it's like to live like and be treated like a "normal weight" person. I have dreams that it's incredibly fantastic. What is it like to NOT stand out in a crowd? What is it like to NOT break chairs? What is it like to NOT have to shop for clothes in "fat girl" stores?

What's it like to be considered for a promotion at work based on what you can do and not how much you weigh? What's it like to walk up to someone and know that they're looking in your eyes as you approach and not your jiggling stomach? What's it like to be judged by your thoughtfulness, your intellect, your sense of humor...instead of how many fat rolls you have? I really don't know, but boy do I want to. I want it so bad.

It's still a long ways away. I've still got about 70 lbs to go, and when I look at the whole total still waiting to be lost, it gets pretty daunting. Especially this week. What a struggle it has been! I have to really work at pulling my mind back to where it needs to be on weeks like this. The mental part is WAY harder than the physical part consuming the right number of calories and daily exercise. You all know that.

Someone left me a comment on the "Weight Loss Surgery" post that really struck me. She was talking about a tremendously obese man who had been asked why he wouldn't have the surgery. He said something to the affect that the body's not where the problem is....the problem is with the brain...and there's no lap band for the brain. Amen brother!! He is so, so right. The "trick" to making this a lifetime thing is getting the brain/mind right. That's where the hidden truths lie. I'm glad I'm learning that.

I've read several posts on other people's blog today who are having the same tough week I am. They're really struggling and I'm right there with them. I want to say to all of you that while some days we're reduced to fighting this battle one hour at a time, it is a battle worth fighting. And if we keep fighting, then one day we WILL win. I can't wait til each and every one of us can stand in front of our mirrors on the day we reach our goal weights. We get to say that WE did this....we fought, we bled, we cried, we scraped and clawed....and we WON. Each of us will claim our victory and, praise God, what a day that will be!!

We'll get there....we'll keep trudging through the trenches, pushing through, making the choices that we KNOW will get us to that day of complete freedom from all the misery that this excess weight has brought us. Is everyone geared up and ready for the next leg of this march towards victory? ONWARD!!

Quote For The Day:

"Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit." -Napoleon Hill

Oops...I Forgot!!

I mentioned on my post last night that I received 2 lovely blog awards. I guess I was so excited that I totally forgot to pass along the sunshine. I understand the rules are to send the award to 15 other people. I have dang near 30 blogs on my blogroll!! This was HARD. But the ones I finally chose truly deserve them. Here they are:

1. Shelley at "A Forty-Something's Weight Loss Journey"
2. Amy at "Amos the lion heart"
3. Andrea at "Echo of Me"
4. Tena at "Fat Girl Dives In"
5. K at "Fat [Free] Me"
6. Diane at "fit to the finish"
7. Pam at "Journey to the Healthier Side of Life"
8. Lisa at "Less of Lisa"
9. Irene at "livin large"
10. Brittany at "Me vs. the Buffet"
11. Amy H. at "No to the Deuce"
12. Sheilagh at "Sixty by Sixty"
13. Sean at "The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser"
14. Amy at "The Not So Secret Life of a Not So Super Together Mom"
15. Zaa at "Zaababy-The Incredible Shrinking Woman"

Congrats to all of you, and thank you for continuing to inspire me every day. :)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Won An Award Today...TWICE!!

I'm so excited! I won 2 lovely blog awards today, given to me by 2 great ladies. The first one I received this morning was from Brittany @ Me vs. The Buffet. I can tell you right now that anyone who has the word "buffet" in their title is going to be a good friend o' mine, lol, I can already tell. The second award I found out about from checking in at Michelle's blog @ My Journey to Onderland. It was written in her post today as well. Both of them are listed on my blogroll and I want to say a big THANK YOU for thinking of me. I'm glad you're enjoying my blog. That makes me smile. :) The next thing is for SOMEONE out there to tell me how to get the pretty little award posted on the sidebar of my blog...I see them on other people's blog but don't know how they get them up there. Someone please tell me. :)

WOW....every single comment that I got from my post last night was just fabulous. I'd encourage all of you to go back and read them. A couple of the ladies...Melanie and Michelle....work in hospitals, Melanie being a nurse. They have seen firsthand the people that have opted for the surgery and the aftermath that follows. And I really hate hearing about the people that do it and then gain the weight back. Really sad stuff. Of course you can gain it back from losing it the natural way as well....but I feel worse for the ones that do it after surgery. After what they thought was their life-changing solution, once and for all. They thought the surgery would FORCE them into losing the weight and keeping it off and it's becoming more and more evident to me that it just isn't always the case. And after you've put your body through that hell, altered your insides, suffered all the ensuing complications afterwards, and spent all that money....it's just terrible.

One of the things I forgot to mention in my post last night was the people who had already had the surgery, dropped a bunch of weight, and now had some SERIOUS loose skin issues. It was horrifying to look at (because I'm afraid I'll be faced with the same thing) and the actual surgery to do it that they show you on TV is not for people with weak stomachs. I was watching through my fingers with my hand over my face. They cut you open, hang up the top part of your floppy stomach with metal clamps, and then go to cutting.

One lady had 13 lbs of loose skin cut off her stomach and pubic region, and another 4 lbs cut off of her backside in the hip area above your bottom. They showed her at a follow up visit 3 months later and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that woman's lower body looked like a patchwork quilt. The scars were so, so bad. They wrapped around her whole body from front to back. It was quite disturbing. I'm seriously thinking about learning to live with my excess skin, no matter how bad it is. I'm going to have to work on that. It will be hard to look at on a daily basis, but I'm thinking those hideous scars would be even harder to look at. Just so drastic.

I've really been kicking butt this week with the calorie counting and the treadmill. I BETTER see 2 lbs gone by Friday....I think I'll just collapse on the scale if I don't...I have been working HARD. I've been on that dang treadmill every day....increasing my distance and speed a little more each day. I can't even describe the aching and soreness that I have each day...but I still manage to get down there and do it. I keep running that great quote through my head that I found on Amy H's blog @ No To The Deuce...."Pain is just weakness leaving the body." It's really working for me....that is my exercise mantra now. I'm loving it and using it every day. So thank you Amy...it was just what I needed. Yesterday I did 2.6 miles in 37 mins. This morning I did 2.75 miles in 40 minutes. Hooray for progress!!

Thank you again Brittany and Michelle for the blog awards. My blog is only 9 weeks old, I'm still pretty new at this stuff, so that makes it even more special to me. :)

Quote For The Day:

"People sometimes attribute my success to my genius; all the genius I know anything about is hard work." -Alexander Hamilton

Monday, August 17, 2009

Weight Loss Surgery

I'm afraid this is going to be a nasty post, lol. If there were ever a controversial topic to blog about, this is IT! I'm a very opinionated person, as I think we ALL have the right to be, so I have avoided writing about this topic thus far so as not to unintentionally offend anyone with my personal opinions.

However, I watched a show on Discovery Health last night called Big Medicine. I had skimmed over an episode once before but never took the time to watch an entire episode. Last night I did. I've been thinking about weight loss surgery ALL DAY now and so it's time to get my thoughts out and "down on paper", so to speak, and move on.

I think that a lot of us fatties have considered this as an option at one point or another. I know I certainly did. I've personally met 7 different people who have had the surgery over the last few years and have heard the horror and success stories. I will say that 6 out of the 7 people, despite all the problems that followed the surgery, say that they would do it again and do not regret it. Only 1 of those people told me if they had it to do over, knowing what they know now, they would have skipped the surgery and lost the weight on their own.

The time that I really, truly considered it for myself was a couple of years ago...maybe not even that long. It was right after a dr's visit, where I was told that if I didn't get serious about getting this weight off, and fast, that I very likely would not make it through my 40's. In other words, I had only a very few short years to live. My parents were going to have to bury me.

My doctor told me that having the diabetes, the high blood pressure, the high cholesterol was all taking a toll on my body. She told me she knew it was hard for me to believe because, outside of being tired all the time, I pretty much felt okay. I didn't really feel like I was falling apart. I couldn't see the results of it on the outside of my body. But she informed me that all of these illnesses were wreaking havoc on my insides...the part I can't see...and that I would just have to believe her that I didn't have much longer to live. I believed her. I was reduced to tears in front of her. It was a very sobering experience.

Thinking that after being fat for about 25 years, I OBVIOUSLY didn't have what it takes to get rid of the weight on my own. Maybe it was time to enlist some help...simply for the sake of not dying an early death. I asked a few friends for their opinion. Most of them refused to offer their own personal opinons due to it being such a personal decision. And God knows, if anything went bad wrong, they didn't want it on their conscience. I can understand that. I asked my roommate and best guy friend Shane. He didn't like the idea. I asked my boyfriend Dwayne (had been dating 3-3 1/2 yrs at this point)...and he hated the idea.

In fact, he hated it so much, he did something he's never done. He told me a story about a girl he dated in the past. We've never discussed previous gf/bf with each other because we both believe that things that are in the past should stay there. However, on this particular subject, he felt the need to share. He first gave me all the health reasons...the dangers of surgery, the digestive problems afterwards, etc, etc. Then he told me about the outward physical aspect after you drop a ton of weight too fast.

The girl he dated for a "very short time", and I'm guessing this is why, had the surgery and dropped 80 lbs VERY quickly, all of this before she met Dwayne. They started dating and the time for them to get naked came. You should have seen the look on his face while he was trying to describe her body to me w/o getting downright crude about ex-girlfriends. He was wincing like he was in pain, slowly shaking his head side to side, like he was saying "no", speaking with total disgust in his voice.

He said that the amount of excess loose skin that is left over after dropping such a dramatic amount of weight in such a short period of time (I think it was 3 months) is unbelievable. He said it wasn't just on her stomach, it was all over....the butt, the chest, the arms, the legs, and even her back. He said seeing that was enough to tell me not to do the surgery, even if I didn't pay attention to the other, more important risk factors.

Naturally, while I'm listening to all of this and trying to keep an even look on my face, I am secretly thinking about my OWN loose skin that I'll have to deal with, with or without the surgery. I already have loose fat...I've never had that tight, firm fat like some people. My arms already look like bat wings. So, do you think I'll ever forget the look on his face and the disgust in his voice while he was describing this to me? I don't think so. That is something that will have to be dealt with at a later time when the other 70 lbs. I have to lose comes off. I'm not looking forward to facing those issues.

Back to the surgery.....Dwayne's opinions weren't good enough. I needed to talk to someone really smart. Someone who would give me a non-emotional, unbiased opinion. It finally dawned on me....I needed to call my hero. I've only ever had, and will only ever have, one hero in my lifetime, and I needed his opinion. I called my Dad.

Dad said don't do it. He gave me the list of reasons, all of them made perfect sense to me, and I knew I could fully trust in his opinion. I didn't necessarily feel like I could do it on my own, and I cried while telling him this. That didn't change his opinion. He gave me some words of comfort and some words of encouragement, but even through my tears, his opinion on the surgery remained the same. And I knew that if Dad says don't do something, I better not do it. And that's where my contemplation over having surgery ended.

I know tons of people say it's the easy way out...that you're cheating because they just do a bypass or strap on a lap band, and the weight just falls off in gobs. This isn't the reason I disagree with the surgery. I don't think it's an easy decision. I know for a fact that things get REALLY bad afterwards...with gas problems, digestive issues, and God forbid you actually keep your old habits and OVEREAT....I've heard some tell me that death would be better than the sickness and pain you experience with overeating. It makes me shudder thinking about the horror stories that have been told to me from people who have experienced them.

However, I do think the surgery is giving up on yourself. It really confuses me, and here's why. For anyone who's researched this, you know that there's a long process to go through before you can even have it done. You have to do all sorts of reading and research and take classes and learn about nutrition, and ALL of the options first. Then in most cases, the doctor requires you to lose a certain amount of weight before he/she will even approve you to have the surgery. On the show I watched last night he told one girl to lose 30 lbs. Well, she busted her butt and lost 40-45 before she went back to see him. ???

She had the surgery, and after she had healed enough, she started counting calories and got a membership to Bally Total Fitness and has a personal trainer pushing her to the max on exercise. ??? This is the main reason for my confusion.

First of all....the girl lost MORE weight than the doctor even required her to, PROVING that she CAN do it on her own through watching her calories and exercising! And after the surgery, she was really ROCKING IT with the calories and exercise ALL ON HER OWN.

Is anyone else wondering what I am? Am I the only one that is having a total "DUH" moment here? I really do not understand why you would have the surgery if you have to do the EXACT same things as you would do to lose it naturally? Especially on the front end. She lost 40-45 lbs on her own! Good Lord...the 6 lbs I lost on my very first week, 9 weeks ago, was enough to make me want to keep going....and she lost that much, proving she has it in her to do it, and still wants to have the surgery??? WHY??? I just don't get it. I just don't.

Maybe someone reading this would be kind of enough to educate me on this if you're pro-surgery. I'm always willing to listen to other's opinions, whether they differ from mine or not. And there should always be room in your life for learning new things. I really want to know the method behind the madness. Because to me, it's just looking like madness.

If anyone is reading this and in the midst of weighing their options, let me send out a plea not to have the surgery. It's just my opinion, but I believe we ALL have it in us to do it the natural way. Is it hard? Sure it is. Is surgery and the aftermath hard? You betcha. But I still think the natural way is the lesser hard.

If you're considering the surgery, then you already have the desire to be rid of the weight. All you need now is the decision to do it and the belief in yourself that you can. I believe you can. I know you can. And I will be right here to support anyone and everyone that wants to follow the natural road to weight loss and good health. We can do it together...you are not alone in your travels. There are plenty of us in Blogland that are going the natural route and I invite you to join us. I'm here to support you and encourage you all the way to the finish line. :)

Quote For The Day:

"To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first." -Shakespeare

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Reunion Eating Success!!

I did it. I met all 3 of the goals I set for myself for the family reunion today and ALL-THAT-FOOD!!! I really, truly surprised myself. After I wrote my post last night, I was thinking to myself, "Yeah right Fat Tammy. You know you. You know how you are with buffet tables full of food. You won't meet any of the goals you set. Who are you kidding? Tomorrow's going to be an eating disaster and you know it. Stop trying to fool yourself."

I tried to tell Sean last week that my old mixed tape just doesn't want to die. I've bashed the crap out of that thing and it just keeps playing!

I measured out 3 oz of ham this morning and made a ham sandwich for breakfast. I used Boar's Head 42% lower sodium Deluxe Ham...good stuff.
By the time we got to the reunion at 12pm I was starving....and then we found out they pushed it back til 1pm this year. Dang. So I found some Ritz crackers that my aunt brought for snacking, and I ate 5 of them.

It finally came time to eat. I grabbed my plate and headed down the buffet line...oh my goodness. I have a HUGE family full of fantastic cooks....that good ol' country cookin'....there were probably a total of 50-60 dishes of food on that table. My first goal was to only eat one plate. I did that...and there was no major piling. My plate didn't look like a mountain peak, lol, although I was tempted. But the one plate rule would have been worthless if I would have put two plate full's worth of food on it. First goal met.

My second goal was to make sure half of what was on my plate was vegetables. I did that. I had cabbage, carrots, lima beans, tomato slice, green beans and corn...most of my family members have gardens so nearly all of the veggies were fresh. Good eatin'. With the other half of my plate, there were so many different things I wanted to try, so instead of getting a spoonful, I just got maybe half a spoon...2 bites worth. Everything was fantastic...so, so good, and when I got done eating I was pleasantly stuffed.

They had probably 15 or so homemade desserts. Normally I'm not a huge dessert fan...I like desserts in small amounts....but can't say I've ever binged on sweet stuff. I sure could have today though, I could have started a new bad habit, lol. There was coconut cake, chocolate dream something or other, orange cake with vanilla icing, strawberry cake w/ fresh strawberries and blueberries on top, cobblers, pies...you name it, we had it. But what REALLY caught my eye today was a banana split cake. I had never seen one before. It had the usual banana pudding stuff on bottom with strawberries tucked inside, then a layer of Cool Whip, then on top there were cherries and walnuts and chocolate syrup drizzled all over. WOW. But I resisted...no dessert for Skinny Tammy.

My final goal today was to not have any Coke. I had water and half a glass of sugar-free lemonade. Third goal met. I enjoyed my food, but moreso, I enjoyed seeing family. I spent a couple of hours at the reunion and left at 2pm. I got home at 3pm and played with my puppy for a couple of hours. Then I went down and jumped on the treadmill. I knocked out 2.5 miles in 34 minutes. It felt incredibly good to know that I'm 3 days into the week and everything is right on track with the eating and the treadmill.

I came back and cooked dinner. I baked some cod in the oven with some spices and blackening seasonings on it. I had a 4 oz. piece and it was so good. Cod is a very mild, white, flaky fish..one of my favorites. I also had 2 cups of mixed veggies with it that included cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, yellow squash, zucchini and asparagus.

Today has been a total win!! I'm proud of myself for doing so well with the eating at the reunion...I really am. I'm a total loser when it comes to buffets full of food and today I won!! I hope everyone else had as good of a weekend as I did. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Let us not be weary in well doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." -Galatians 6:9

Rockin' It

Since my weigh in yesterday morning, and my ensuing disappointment in myself, the eating for yesterday and today have been stellar. I rock. Feeling good about my choices and staying under my calorie limits, drinking tons of water, pushing myself on the treadmill.

In fact, today Dwayne and I were out and about, away from home, taking care of stuff for the move at the end of the month, and it was about 3:30. I was soooo ready for a snack, and really needed to eat something to keep the metabolism fired up. We stopped by a convenience store on the way to Home Depot. Finding a decent snack calorie-wise in a convenience store? Yeah right. But I was determined! I need a loss this week!

I kept picking up things and reading labels, taking too long, and Dwayne was getting aggravated. He finally asked me what I was doing, and I told him. This dang snack bag of Doritos is 500 calories! The little pack of mixed nuts is 600!
He said, exasperated, "Baby, look where we're at. You're not going to find a snack in this store for under 500 calories...Gimme a break. Just grab something and let's go." Well that irritated me, I'm the one that needs to lose the weight...not him...so he can shut up and wait.

I kept looking and finally found a pack of crackers for 250 calories...and next to those found a tiny bag of Combos (those pretzel thingies w/ the fake cheese in the middle) that were 230 calories. Aha! Success!! I waved them in his face, he rolled his eyes at me, and we got up to the register. And what do I spy as I'm getting ready to pay for my itty bitty bag of 230 calorie Combos? A basket with small granny smith apples and little boxes of Sunmaid raisins. YES!! IN YOUR FACE, DWAYNE!! lol Yes, I know I'm a dork, but making the best choice on my eating is the priority, not his schedule. So I got my fruit and we were now happily on our way.

Dwayne got some chocolate chip cookies and some Combos and as we were driving down the road, he tried to make nice, and offered me some of his Combos. It seemed like he felt bad that I "had" to eat fruit when he was eating yummier stuff. He knows I do not care for apples, they're one of my least favorite fruits. He even told me they were "diet" Combos, lol, trying to get me to accept his peace offering. I politely declined and merrily munched on my apple...so, so proud of myself.

I had originally planned on cooking some shrimp and crab legs for dinner when we got home. My local grocery store, Publix, has been having some fantastic sales on their seafood this summer and seafood is my absolutely favorite food in the entire world. Love it. Well, my dinner plans didn't work out.

We had a long, tiring day of hauling a load of stuff to the new house, then going to Home Depot shopping for chicken wire, then bringing it back and stapling it up to the inside of the fence, over 160 feet worth, to keep my puppy from slipping through the slats in the picket fence and escaping like she did last week. It was hot, sweaty, dirty work. The wire tears up your hands when trying to unroll it, and having to cut it with wire cutters, etc. To sum it up, it was a total pain in the rump. A lot of bending, up and down, crawling under rose bushes, etc. and we were sooooo sore and just worn out by the time we were done. Dwayne took one look at me and knew I wasn't cooking dinner, lol.

So....his suggestion was our local pizza joint, Mellow Mushroom. They have some of the best pizza I have ever eaten in my life...and knew not to even suggest that to me after what we went through just to get me a snack today, lol. He suggested a calzone for him stuffed with sauce, mozzarella cheese, italian sausage and pepperoni. (I'm starting to drool again)...and a large Greek salad for me w/ grilled chicken (apparently he HAS been paying attention).

At first I declined because I wanted something a little more filling than a salad. Then I did a 180. I decided a low calorie salad was exactly what I needed to complete my 2nd day this week of awesome eating. I ordered it with one serving of grilled chicken on the top, dressing on the side, and REALLY light on the feta cheese....they can get crazy with that stuff. I had 650 calories available for dinner so this was perfect. Again.....so proud of myself. Day 2 completed and I'm going strong.

Then Mom called. She reminded me that tomorrow is the family reunion...the one on her side of the family. I had forgotten all about it. I told her I doubted I'd be able to go with her like I usually do, only because I was completely exhausted, covered in dirt and sweat, and all I wanted was a shower and my yummy salad. I felt like I could sleep for the next 2 days....joints and lower back were killing me. It didn't even hit me til a couple of hours later that it was a FAMILY REUNION. Meaning, some of the best-tasting, fattening, calorie-laden foods that have ever been squeezed onto a table before. I have got some darn good cooks in my family. OH......DEAR......LORD.

After I realized what kind of danger zone I'd be entering, I thought about it for about an hour before I called her back. I decided to go. I enjoy spending the time with my family....many of them I only see once a year at this reunion. I told myself I'm going to have to curb my neurosis about the food at some point, and will have to LEARN how to deal at these kinds of things...not just completely avoid them. The only way to do that is to go.

Of course, I'm sure you all know how completely nerve-racked I am about going. In pre-planning in my mind, I tried to leave most of my calories for the day tomorrow for the reunion at noon. I'll have a couple of hundred for breakfast to kick in the metabolism. I'll hit the treadmill before I even leave the house, again, for the sake of the metabolism. And I went ahead and took some fish out of the freezer and put it in the frig for tomorrow night's dinner, knowing that's low calorie. I have a medley of veggies in the frig that I steamed last night to go with the fish.

Pray for me, lol. The goal is to eat 1 plate....not my normal 2 at an event like this. My 2nd goal is to make at least half of what's on my plate vegetables...leaving less room for all the really good stuff. My 3rd goal is to drink only water....as I normally use something like this as an excuse to drink all the Coke I can hold. I have no idea why, I'm just weird like that.

So...it's time for rest...I hope the insomnia takes a break tonight and lets me sleep. I sure could use some. The quote I'm giving you tonight is one Mom told me several weeks ago, and I will be running it through my head at the reunion tomorrow. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels." -Anonymous

Friday, August 14, 2009

Unacceptable Weigh-in

The scale says 250.0. I gained .6 of a lb. I have let "life" and stress rule my thoughts this week instead of focusing on the most important thing to me....myself, and my goal to lose this weight. This is unacceptable. That was the motivation for my post last night. I wrote it for me. I needed to sit down and really think hard about pulling the weight loss back into focus.

Life and stress and problems aren't going to go away. They will always be there in one form or another, and I am the only one that can control what I give priority to. If someone else needs something from me, too bad. If the move doesn't go as planned out and smooth as I want it to by the end of this month, too bad. If every single thing goes as wrong this week as it did last, too bad.

I'm moving myself and my goals back to the front of the list. Number one on the list...right where it should be. My desire is still there, that has never left, but it's time to get the focus back where it should be. Desire + focus + dedication to my MOST important goal in life will produce the losses that I want to see and move me down the scale towards my goal. I have 3 weeks left this month to reach the 10 lb. loss that I want. Time to push life aside and get down to business.

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend filled with good choices for YOU and YOUR goals. Make it paramount. Be back later. :)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Make Your Choice

Was being called Shamu and Free Willy hard?

Yes.

Is staying under 1500 calories per day harder than that?

No.

Was being made fun of on the school bus for 2 years hard?

Yes.

Is replacing crappy food with healthier choices harder than that?

No.

Was sitting in and breaking lawn chairs and even a wooden rocking chair in front of family, friends and even strangers hard?

Yes.

Is telling friends and family you can't go out to eat with them like you've always done, because sticking to your eating plan that day is more important, harder than that?

No.

Was shopping for clothes sizes 3x, 4x and 26/28's hard?

Yes.

Is drinking almost entirely water and cutting out Cokes harder than that?

No.

Was hearing your doctor define you as morbidly obese and telling you that if you don't get a grip on the weight loss very soon you might not make it through your 40's hard?

Yes.

Is making yourself get on the treadmill every day even though it hurts harder than that?

No.

Was being rejected by guys you wanted to date because they think fat chics are gross hard?

Yes.

Is pushing yourself as hard as you can on the treadmill to go further and further each week harder than that?

No.

Was having to drag another chair into a classroom in front of 30 of your peers at college because you couldn't fit into any of the desks hard?

Yes.

Is dedicating to blogging about your daily wins/losses and being completely honest in front of the whole world harder than that?

No.

Was finding out that you have hypothyroidism, PCOS, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and depression, and had to be medicated for all of them hard?

Yes.

Is eliminating the fast food and mega buffets that you're so accustomed to harder than that?

No.

Have you decided which is harder and made your choice on how to go forward with the rest of your life?

Yes.

What choice did you make?

I CHOOSE TO LOSE.

Quote For The Day:

Being fat is hard.
Losing weight is hard.
Choose your hard.

-Anonymous

Busy As A Bee

Mom showed up at 9am this morning with her van and we loaded that thing to the gills. Also threw some stuff in my car and hauled it all up to the new place and unloaded it. Ran by the salon and got my face waxed (part of the fun of having PCOS) and did a little grocery shopping for some healthy junk. I came home and did a ton of laundry, vacuumed all the floors (the carpet cleaning guy is coming in the morning), and got started on washing all of my baseboards...just need to finish up in my bedroom. Cooked dinner and ate, laid down across my bed to play with my puppy Scarlette...and woke up 2 hours later, lol. I was completely zonked. I woke up at 8:45 and made some decaf coffee. I have this weird thing of wanting to eat right when I wake up after a nap, so I grabbed coffee because dinner pretty much used up the rest of my calories for the day. As Sean says, my calorie bank doesn't have an ATM. :)

Finally got rid of the drowsy haze that follows a long nap (I hate those) and strapped on my tennis shoes. Walked down to the fitness center and jumped on my nemesis, the treadmill. I knocked out 2 miles in 30 minutes and drug myself back home. Fat Tammy was trying to skip the treadmill because I did all that moving this morning.....up and down those dang stairs...was trying to call that "good enough". But Skinny Tammy knew that I rested from the treadmill yesterday due to aching joints and my screwed up lower back, so it was time to get back on. I never allow myself to stay off of it more than one day in a row. That would just be bad business.

Fixing to hit the shower and and then lay down and pray for sleep. Insomnia is a b*tch. Back up early to pick up the baby's toys for the carpet cleaning guy. I've got a play date with my niece Carla tomorrow...the one I call Ladybug. We're going to hang out at the new house tomorrow and play with her toys. Quality time with my babies is important. I'm going to get a lot better at that once I get moved and get back into some sort of normal routine. I wish that routine included a dang job. :(

Quote For The Day:

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Lovely Ladies

I finally got the calories back under control today...thank God! I took a break from the treadmill to rest the joints and back for a day....back at it full force tomorrow. Mom is coming over tomorrow morning with her van to help me take a load of stuff up to the new house. It is absolutely amazing to me how much crap you can squeeze into a 2 bedroom apartment. Amazing.

I want to tell you about two blogs that I have been following recently. Maybe you've seen them, but I'm guessing not, as neither one of these lovely ladies have hardly any followers on their blogs yet. That needs to change. :)

Michelle has a blog called My Journey to Onederland and she and I have exchanged a few emails. I love this woman. I can feel the grit in her writing. She really wants to get it right this time....she wants this to be the LAST time...just as we all do.

In fact, she's got a camping trip coming up very soon with her best friend. These little trips are usually filled with bad, bad eating so she's been a little nervous. She finally just told her friend that she will be bringing her own food to try and stay on plan. She has begun counting calories and gives herself a daily limit of 1500. Her friend asked her can't she just let loose this weekend? Most people would cave at that point. Not Michelle. She very plainly told her friend that no, she can't let loose. She is proving that her quest to lose the weight is THE most important thing in her life now and I applaud her for standing up for herself.

Then there's Lisa that I recently found. She very recently started her own blog called Struggles With Losing Weight. I haven't exchanged any emails with her yet, so I don't know a whole lot about her, but I have been following her blog for a few weeks now and leaving comments. I can see her desire too. She is a member of TOPS and seems to enjoy that, and she's had some success in her weight loss. I'm very proud of her.

I feel like Lisa and Michelle would benefit greatly from a few more followers on their blog to pop in and leave their words of encouragement and support. We all know how much we love comments when we receive them, don't we? Sean has already signed up on both their blogs and is already offering his insight and inspiration....thank you so much Sean!! Now...for the rest of you....Pam!! Diane!! Kari!! Sheilagh!! Rebecca!! Carla!! Amy!! Both Amy's!! I mean all 3 Amy's!! (I'm talking to YOU Amos, lol.) I won't list all of you, but you get the point. :)

I've got a little laundry left to do before I turn in, so I'll say goodnight. Oh by the way, Michelle gave me the quote that I'm using tonight. She said it's her favorite one and it comes from the Navy Seals. She's Canadian, but loves our Seals!! How cool. :) I love this quote so much and it ties in with the one I gave you yesterday....Pain is just weakness leaving the body. BRING IT!!!

Quote For The Day:

"The only easy day was yesterday!" -Navy Seals

I've Been Inspired!!

I think I've mentioned Amy H. before at "No To The Deuce" listed on my blogroll, but I have such a terrific reason to mention her again that I'm making this whole post about what I read in her post tonight!!

She just got back from a family weekend at Cripple Creek. While there, she enjoyed a parade that involved some military troops. On one of the awesome soldier's shirts (I am sooooo pro-military and oozing with patriotism), she read this: "Pain is just weakness leaving the body."

Oh.....my......gosh. This is one of those inspirational sayings that has grabbed me and just won't let go. When I read it, I felt like I had been slapped right between the eyes....but a good slap!

My biggest, nagging issue with the weight loss is the exercise. More specifically, the walking I'm doing on the treadmill. As I explained tonight to Amy in a comment I left on her post, I completely suck at it. I really do. Yes, I'm pushing myself to get on it every day. But what a struggle it is. A daily struggle. The reason it's so hard to make myself do it is for one simple reason. It hurts. Even after 8 weeks of doing it steadily, it still REALLY hurts.

I've had lower back issues for years...not just because of the weight...but from actual injuries...straining it too many times from helping friend's move and lifting furniture...one time I was roller skating on the asphalt with some friends in our neighborhood as a teenager and both feet slipped out from under me at the same time and Oh! My bottom hit that asphalt so hard and I heard something pop. That's the very first injury I remember to my lower back.

Another time, several years ago, I was helping my boyfriend at the time put a post in the ground. He was doing a job for a subdivision and we were out in front of the subdivision, RIGHT BESIDE the main highway...a very busy highway. It was a 16 foot long, 6x6 wooden post. It was huge and it was heavy. I don't even know how we lifted it off the ground in the first place and got it upright and steadied but we did. I'm sure it helped that he himself was 6'7 and I'm 5'10. We were inching the post close to the hole....we were almost there...and then we lost the balance. The post was starting to fall TOWARDS TRAFFIC. In that split second I had a vision of it landing in someone's windshield of their car and killing them right in front of me.

My mind freaked, I wrapped both of my arms around that post and lifted the entire thing up off the ground BY MYSELF (the bf let go) and dropped it into the deep hole. It was adrenaline. I could never do that again in a million years.
Well....that little stunt landed me in the chiropractor's office for 5 straight weeks. Something about the sciatica nerve I think. All I know is I couldn't sit, stand, or lay down without immense pain. I had to drape myself over the loveseat, looking at the floor, to relieve the pressure and pain in my back. I would stay like that for HOURS.

Anyhoo....talk about getting off an a major tangent!! The point is....my back ALREADY hurts, before I even get on the treadmill, and it makes me dread it all the more. Of course, after the workout, my knees and legs are in pretty bad shape too. It makes me want to scream my head off every day due to the frustration of WANTING to do more, and physically just not being able to do so. The most I can do is 2.5...maybe 3 miles if I really push it...at one time.

However, when I read this quote: Pain is just weakness leaving the body....it was like I was viewing this exercise thing with "new eyes" (I lifted the eye thing from Sean's post from last night.....EXCELLENT post...go check it out!). A whole new outlook. Now, when it starts to hurt, I can smile instead of cringe. I know that it means what I'm doing is working. I know that it means the endurance WILL come eventually. I know that it means I'm getting stronger. It means I'm improving. With every step, it means I'm leaving Fat Tammy further and further behind.

Before someone tells me that if it hurts that bad, just don't do it....I've had several doctors tell me over the years that walking...specifically walking as an exercise...is one of the best, low impact exercises I can do to strengthen the muscles in my back and alleviate pain.

This new quote is my new inspiration for when I'm strapping on my tennis shoes every day. I'm going to view the pain as a good thing. I'm going to stop dreading it. I do think that after a good chunk of this weight is gone, that the pain will be much less. I think watching what I eat, and continuing with daily exercise, will lead to strengthening my whole body...my back, my legs, my knees...the whole shabang.

For the record, although my eating has been off plan for the last 3-4 days, the exercise and the water intake have been golden. I have been on that treadmill every single day without fail since Friday and I have consumed at least (3) 32 oz. glasses of water every single day. I'm trying to reign the calories back in and get my focus back on the dilligence of counting them so that I can get my groove back and start heading back down the scale. Might not have the time left this week to fix what I've already screwed up with the eating. But if I can just get my balance back this week, then next week should look a lot better. Gotta' get consistent and stay that way. :)

Monday, August 10, 2009

30 Year Habit

Oh my goodness, it's been a rough day...and an even rougher weekend in regards to eating. I said I wasn't going to get on the scale this week til Friday. I guess I lied. I HAD to know what kind of damage I've done to myself after 3 days of mindless eating so I got on the scale after I got out of the shower tonight. I've gained 3 lbs. since Friday's weigh-in. How deflating.

I've got some family issues going on that I'm not going to splatter all over my blog. I really don't need to...I know that we ALL have crap that we have to deal with that many times is out of our control. It's just there. It is what it is and we have to find a way to deal with it. So when I tell you it's bad...and will probably get way worse before it gets better...if it ever gets better...then you know it's the truth.

I noticed tonight that I've been stress eating today. I didn't go all out...but I did end up over my calorie limit by a couple of hundred calories....AGAIN. The only good thing I have to report is that I did 2.5 miles on the treadmill this morning, and then did another mile tonight, trying to mitigate the damage. I've also drank all of my water for the last 2 days. Hooray for small victories. I would say that I'm glad the weekend is over...but truthfully, the stress of what I have to do tomorrow to take care of some family business is going to be worse than the last 3 days put together. Pray that I find my focus and can pull through...that I can set my eating aside from the stress that's in my face and not let it be affected in a negative way.

About the 30 year habit....when I first started this blog, I tried to think as far back as I could to find out how long I've been fat. I figured out that it was around 15 years old that I really realized I had a weight problem. I was so wrong. For some reason, in this past week, a couple of childhood memories popped into my head and I realized it was long before 15 years of age. Talk about depressing.

I had a memory of going to Weight Watchers with my mom back when my grandmother on my Dad's side of the family was one of their meeting leaders. I don't remember my exact age, but I want to say that it was before I was 10 years old because I think we were living at the "old house" when we went. Can I tell you how embarassing it was to sit in those meetings in front of my grandmother, who I wasn't very close to in my younger years (that has changed as I've aged), having her talk to "me" (all of us) about why I'm fat. Oh good Lord. I hated that. I think I buried those memories for a reason. Our mind buries certain things to protect us. Not sure why it decided to pop back up this week but I sure wish it would have stayed tucked away. Also, it was not lost on me, even at that age, that my 2 sisters weren't there with us. There was a reason I was the only one Mom drug along with her. I was the fat one. Another lovely reminder of childhood.

Also, I have memories of going to a restaurant on the weekends called Valley's. I want to say my earliest memory was around 7 years old probably. My Dad worked out of town a lot so we mostly only saw him on the weekends when I was young. I'm sure all he wanted was a home-cooked meal after he'd eaten out of town all week...but he took us out a lot when he came home...I'm guessing because we begged him and he knew we'd eaten at home all week long and going to a nice restaurant sure was fun!! I was such a little pig apparently. I specifically remember Dad always asking us, after we finished our plate, if we had enough to eat. "Did you get enough to eat girls? Are you still hungry? Want anything else?"

Of course I'd had enough...but I specifically remember (and I'm so ashamed of this) thinking that Oh boy! I could have a whole other plate of food if I want!!! But then, even at 7 years old, I knew it would be impolite to make Dad pay for more food, and make the whole family sit there and wait while I ate another whole plate. My thought processes had NOTHING to do with the fact that I didn't need anymore food. I refuse to believe that I was still physically hungry. So I must have had food issues as young as 7 years old. That just blows my mind. I'm embarassed by that...I'm ashamed of it...and it's just one more memory that I wish would have stayed tucked away.

I've been a food addict for 30 years. Incredible. Incredibly depressing is more like it. Do you know how easy it would be for me to tell myself....30 years? Seriously, Tammy? There's no way you can break a 30 year habit. That's more than you can handle. You don't have it in you. It would take more work that you're capable of doing. Why waste your time? Just accept who you are and live with it. Oh yes, it would be easy to just lay down and quit. Yes indeedy.

Or......Or I could realize that I have a choice. I can choose the defeatist attitude, throw my hands up in the air, feel sorry for myself, let the embarassment and shame take over and hold me down for the rest of my life. I could "just accept it" and "live with it". I certainly could.

Or I could make the other choice. I could choose life. Real life. A healthy life. I could choose to hold my head up high in the face of those memories...stare them down...and show them that it IS possible to break 30 year habits. Hard, admittedly....but possible. And I do have it in me to do it. I can take all that shame and embarassment and disgust for myself and turn it into the tools I need to push me towards my goals. I can turn it into anger for letting myself go this long. I can turn it into determination to get on that treadmill every day, without fail, and walk myself right out of this fat body. I can turn it into perseverance with counting the calories and staying under my limits every single day, no matter WHAT is thrown my way. I can turn it into pride that I care enough about myself to commit to reaching my goals.

That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm taking my life back from the dreaded fat cells. I'm going to find out for the FIRST TIME what it's like to be a normal weight, because I obviously don't have a memory of ever being one. I don't have any skinny jeans stuck in the back of my closet to fit into because I've NEVER OWNED ANY. That's okay. That's perfectly okay. This whole "normal weight" thing is going to be completely new for me, and that in itself is exciting. I don't even know what I'm missing...I guess that's one way of looking at it. But I hear it's fantastic...it's liberating...it's something worth working towards and busting my a$$ for and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Freedom awaits....and I'm answering the call. I choose to lose. I choose to work hard. I choose to go at this with a positive attitude and leave the negative thoughts behind me. I choose to press on...to trudge through the muck and the mire that's been holding me back until I get to that mountain top. I will get there. I will. And I can't wait to see the view.....in my new skinny jeans. :)

Quote For The Day:

"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones." -Chinese proverb

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Bad Eating Weekend....BAD

Gotta' make this a short post...its 12:30am, and I need to head to bed soon so I can get up early and have Baby Scarlette at the groomer's for her appointment. By the way, my precious little baby puppy dog turned 1 year old today...still a baby...but she'll always be Momma's baby. :)

What can I say about eating this weekend? I suck. That pretty much sums it up. I really hate that I can't be perfect and do everything right down to the letter. I really hate being a stupid human full of flaws, lol.

Friday I ate heatlhy stuff all day...counted all the calories....and I ate too many of them. For dinner, Dwayne and I went out to a restaurant and I decided I needed a hamburger and fries since I haven't had either since I started my travels 8 weeks ago. Trying to be responsible, I cut the hamburger in half, and separated the fries into 2 even piles. I ate half the burger and threw the other half away. I ate half the fries, and threw the other half away. Still way too many calories for the entire day, because I'd eaten too many before I even got to dinner. Just kept snacking. Damn that snacking.

Saturday was a total bust. No binge...no mega buffets or anything like that. Just no structure to my day whatsoever. If you haven't noticed by now, I'm a total control freak, and I had no control over how today went. Makes me crazy and throws me off with my food decisions and calorie counting. In short, it pisses me off.

Dwayne has been car shopping for something used for 3 months now. It's wearing on me. I really thought he was ready to buy something this weekend, and we headed out early. We spent most of the day visiting car lots and test driving cars, and even ended up at a desk talking numbers at the last dealership we visited. Then he decided he just wasn't ready and we left. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!

Ate too much again today. I only have 2 small, tiny victories to report for today, but I lost the battle overall. I got on the treadmill right after breakfast this morning and walked 1.5 miles. Not the 2 miles I had worked up to, but it was something. The 2nd tiny thing was...I made some lean boneless pork ribs for dinner and finally made my Grandma's recipe for baked mac'n'chz that I haven't had in the last 8 weeks (Dwayne's favorite dish of mine). My roommate Shane and his girlfriend ended up going to her house, so they didn't eat dinner with us and I had nearly a whole casserole dish of that mac'n'chz and some pork ribs left over.

In order to get it out of my house (I didn't even want the leftovers in my house for Shane to eat the next day, because my eating had already been so poor this weekend), I told Dwayne to go ahead and head out earlier than usual for a Saturday night, and take all the leftovers to his buddy Kevin's house. I know that he usually hangs out at Kevin's on Sundays, so they'd have some food for tomorrow, and I wouldn't be tempted to eat anymore of it. YAY!

The baby will be at the groomer's for 2 hours tomorrow, so as soon as I drop her off, I'm heading back home and stopping by the fitness center at the front of the apt complex FIRST....I'm going to walk until I can't walk anymore....I'm going to walk until I FALL OFF that treadmill, trying to reverse some of the damage I did this weekend. I'm working on my 3rd 32 oz. glass of water for the day now, and will continue drowning myself until Friday's weigh-in.

I hope everyone is having a FAR better eating weekend than I am. :(

Quote For The Day:

"Our greatest glory consists not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall." - Oliver Goldsmith

Friday, August 7, 2009

Month #2 Goal Met!!!

This morning the scale said 249.4 for a loss of 2.4 lbs. this week. That brings me to a grand total of 22.6 lbs. lost in 2 months/8 weeks!!! GOAL MET!!! I'm going to do something hard this week. I'm going to stay off of the scale until next Friday's weigh-in. I've been on it every day this week, watching it go up and down, up and down, and it's had me tied up in knots. I'm just going to eat within my calories, get in some daily exercise, and whatever happens next Friday, happens. It's going to be tough....I'm addicted to that dang scale...but our relationship is a toxic one, lol.

I'm headed off to the unemployment office shortly to sit in line for 3 hours and then find out how to file for an extension. I've been laid off since February and my benefits run out at the end of this month....and still not one single call for a job interview. Say a prayer for me that things go smoothly, because in about 3 short weeks, I'm going to be penniless if I can't get an extension worked out. Say a bigger prayer that SOMEBODY HIRES ME!!!!

I just ran into a girl named Tina at Fat Girl Dives In and I put her on my blogroll. I'm so excited because we're neighbors! She lives in Atlanta too! Tina, if you're reading and you know of any Accounting positions....Pleeeeeaaaassseee let me know! :)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Soooooo Exhausted

The treadmill is kicking my butt! So much so, I didn't even get on it today. I just couldn't. I am soooo incredibly sore all over. And my blistered feet are a poor sight. My shoes are just entirely too tight. I've decided when I reach my next 15 lb. goal, which will be at the 30 lb. marker, that I'm killing the budget and splurging on a new pair of New Balance walking shoes. My feet are just too important and I'm tired of all the continuous pain.

I've been eating 1400 calories for the last 2 days, and intended to today, but I'm ending at 1319. I know this is going to sound shocking, but I'm just too tired to eat anymore. LOL....take note of this....I'm sure it will be one of VERY FEW times you hear Fat Tammy say she's too tired to eat. Truthfully, I can barely keep my eyes open so I think I'm going to hit the bed at 8pm tonight. Amazing. Due to my persistent insomnia, I usually don't get there til 1a-2a. But that's the way it goes with me......several nights in a row of only 4-5 hours of sleep, and then one day I crash before it's even dark outside. Precious sleep....I'm totally looking forward to it.

I am praying for a 2 lb. loss tomorrow morning so I can reach my 10 lb. goal for this month. Check back tomorrow morning to see if I'm cussing like a sailor or doing the buck naked Happy Dance. :)

Quote For The Day:

"There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect." -Ronald Reagan

Have You Heard About Sean???

I'm sorry about the delay in the post, but I was waiting til Sean posted his good news so I could dedicate this post to him and the amazing milestone that he reached yesterday.....

SEAN HAS LOST 201 LBS!!!!

For any of you who haven't heard about Sean yet...especially the ones who have just recently started your blogs, he is definitely someone you want to check out. His blog is listed on my blogroll, "The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser".

He emailed me yesterday afternoon with the fantastic news. He started his journey 325 days ago, and in less than a year, he has dropped from 505 lbs. to 304 lbs. What an amazing, hard-won accomplishment!! He deserves all the praise in the world for his tenacity, perseverance and consistency in his daily Battle Against Obesity.

Sean is just a super terrific guy....full of humility and kindess and a willing desire to help others in their weight loss struggles. He's here to tell us that it IS possible...just look at HIM. His blog is a daily account of his life as he takes off the weight. He's been down in the trenches...he's done the hard work...and he's still doing it every day. Sean's ultimate goal is to get down around 230 or whatever feels right for him. He is now LESS than 100 lbs away from his goal. It's all downhill from here.

Along with my best friend Pam, who has lost about 70 lbs. herself and inspired me to start my own weight loss blog, Sean is my next biggest mentor. He is a shining example of how it's done. The mental change that he has experienced towards food is an incredible inspiration to me. He has developed total control over food. There has been no specific "diet", no magic pill...his strategy is really quite simple. "Eat less, move more". He gave himself a daily limit of 1500 calories and he walks/jogs every day for his exercise.

It wasn't easy in the beginning. Walking was nearly impossible for him due to his size. But he did it. He stuck with it and he pushed through. The endurance that he's built over these last 300+ days is just phenomenal. Recently he and has family went to a Chinese buffet to celebrate one of their daughter's birthdays. He was able to eat a 700 calorie dinner and stay within his limits for the day. I am still not able to do that. I have to avoid the buffets altogether still. I don't have that kind of restraint yet and I know it. But one day I will. I'm going to keep following Sean's example and one day I'll be enjoying the successes that he has.

Please take a moment to hop over to his blog and give him a big Congrats. He sure deserves it! And if you're a new blogger and haven't seen his blog yet...I encourage you to read through and check out his travels. He can be the same inspiration to you that he is to me.

A word to Sean.....what can I say? You rock. You're the man. My heartfelt congratulations to you for such an amazing triumph in this battle. You are so close to having total victory over Obesity and I'm blessed to have found you and had the chance to follow your story. Thank you Sean for your example, for your humility, for truly caring about others and their struggles. Thank you for emailing me with the news yesterday as soon as you found out. I'm glad we're friends and that I have the opportunity to cheer you on all the way to the finish line!

I pulled today's quote from Amy H.'s blog at "No To The Deuce" a couple of weeks ago. I really like this one. :)

Quote For The Day:

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." -Henry David Thoreau

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Post Delayed...It Will Be Worth It!

I had a very special post planned for tonight but I am delaying it a bit until tomorrow morning. Please make sure you check back as soon as you can tomorrow....it will be a delightful one! :)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Little Tweak This Week

First of all, a great big THANK YOU to my bestest friend for guest posting for me last night. She did an excellent job and I'm quite sure I'll be asking for her services again in the future. :)

Now...here's the deal. I wrote last week that I was definitely, without a doubt, going to have a loss this week. I wrote about my "scale confidence" because I know what it takes to get the weight off. First, the decision...the absolute hardest part. That's been done. Secondly, the old tried and true philosophy of "eat less, move more"...and that's EXACTLY what I've done all week.

So...I hop on the scale yesterday morning to see what kind of glorious loss I'm working towards for Friday's weigh-in and guess what I see? I GAINED A POUND since last Friday. WHAT THE HECK??? My language was actually a little stronger than that, but I'll spare you the four-letter words.

Time to analyze. Have I eaten within my calorie limit since Friday? Absolutely, every single day. Have I done at least 20 mins of cardio every single day? Definitely, yes indeedy. Have I had any binges? Nope. Have I cheated at all on the calories? Nope. Am I lying to myself? No ma'am....absolutely not. Everything is above board and every calorie has been tracked and reported. Am I positive? Is it possible I've been lax at all? Hmmmmm......

Suddenly little mishaps started creeping back into my memory. First off, I keep a dry measuring cup, a liquid measuring cup, a set of measuring spoons, and a food scale on my kitchen counter at all times. I use them every day. Well....ALMOST all of them. There is one thing I haven't been using lately and that's the measuring spoons. I use sugar-free creamer in my coffee and it's 15 calories for 1 tbsp. I usually have 2 cups of coffee when I drink it, so that's 30 calories.

I got tired of the tediousness of measuring out little bits of creamer, so I stopped. I got irritated and I got lazy. I'm thinking I may have thrown an extra 15-30 calories here and there w/o realizing....and those things add up so fast. If I have 2 c. in the morning w/ breakfast, and 2 c. at night when I sit down to do my post...I might be intaking a good bit more calories just in stupid creamer than I was tracking on my nutrition website. So, in light of this error, I started using the measuring spoons again today.

Next in line....potato chips. No, I have not eaten half a bag of chips and not logged it. I DO do my best to be honest about my calories. I want the weight to come off, and as soon as possible, so no sense in purposely not writing something down. Just because you didn't log it, doesn't mean you didn't eat it. I saw something in Amy's post tonight at "Not So Secret Life..." that made me chuckle. Her sister is her personal trainer and she's training Amy to write down every morsel of food. She said, "If you bite it...you write it." I totally agree. However, I did remember that 2 different times yesterday I wanted to snack and I grabbed Dwayne's potato chips and had 2 chips each time....knowing not to eat a whole handful because that would just be stupid. Besides, I'm not a big chip person to start with. Definitely not a trigger food for me. I went back and read the calories on the bag tonight. 7 chips is 70 calories....so the 4 chips I ate and forgot to log was 40 calories!! Doh!

I've also done this with sesame crackers. Again, 7 crackers is 70 calories. Sometimes I'll pop 2 in my mouth when it's too late at night to eat much, and I usually don't have enough calories left anyway. It's a not a huge amount...20 calories...but add that to the chips and the creamer and I'm probably over 100 calories in a day w/o even realizing it. And that's EVERY day in some form or fashion. I've gotten a little soft on the calories apparently and I stopped it today.

Also, this Friday will be the last week for my 2 month/8 week weigh-in and last chance to hit my 10 lb. goal for the month. I've lost 8 lbs....gotta' have 2 more. Of course, I lost 12 last month, so if I don't get the other 2 gone this week, it's still 20 lbs lost in 2 months when you average it out, so technically, I guess the goal is still met. However, that's not how I want to think of it. I want those other 2 lbs gone THIS MONTH. So I decided to tweak things a little bit for today, Wed and Thur to see if it will produce a loss this Friday.

I've cut my calories down to 1400, which is still WELL within the range of calories my nutrition website gives me. They give me a range of 1200-1550. I'm hoping getting more dilligent with counting, and shaving off a few will give me a little boost. Also, I got on the treadmill and did 2 miles again in 30 mins...WOO HOO!! And then I decided this evening to go back down and do 2 MORE MILES/30 mins....for a grand total of 4 MILES today...GO SKINNY TAMMY!!

I'm hoping with this little tweak in my week (I love rhyming phrases :)) that I will see a loss on Friday...one that I can be proud of.

I've picked up some new followers this week....WELCOME!!! I also found some new totally awesome blogs this week...some of them newbies and to me that is just incredibly exciting....I couldn't help myself...I ran over to their blogs with the glorious news that THEY CAN DO IT!!!! I want everyone to know that this is the LAST time they ever have to lose weight. This is it. The grand finale...and the new beginning for them in so many other ways. Every time I read where someone says they're just not sure if they've got it in them to go another round...to try and lose the weight AGAIN...if they're really able to make the change for the better and make it stick this time.....oh my goodness. I start typing so fast there's smoke coming off my keyboard! I know I've only been in it for 7 weeks, but oh my the mental changes I'm making...the 72 lbs or so I've still got to lose doesn't intimidate me at all...not one tiny bit. I run over to their blogs and tell them YES, YOU CAN DO IT!! WITHOUT A DOUBT!! YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT IT IN YOU OR YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE BLOGGING ABOUT IT. WE'LL DO IT TOGETHER!! I'M MENTIONING YOU IN MY BLOG!! LET'S ALL BEAT THIS THING TOGETHER!! LET'S SLAY OBESITY ONCE AND FOR ALL!! ONWARD, SOLDIERS!!

Yes, I know I'm a bit of a dork, lol, but when you finally get the mindset that I've got...the one where you know in your heart of hearts that you've finally got a grip....that you've found that intoxicating power to say "NO" to food...that yes, you really are worth it, when all these fat years you thought you weren't....you just can't help but reach out and grab someone's hand and pull them into the Happy Boat with you. Changing your life is hard....it's a hard, hard road...a lot of days are rough...and some may be stronger than others...or have been in the groove longer. I know on my weak days I go running to the blogs on my blogroll for inspiration, and I always, always find it. Undoubtedly, every time, someone says just what I need to hear....and it strengthens my resolve. It lifts me up when I'm too tired to pick myself up. We're all in this battle together. No one is alone.

This brings me to my quote for the day. I'm sure that by now most of you know about Jen from "Prior Fat Girl" and the untimely and tragic passing of her mom a few days ago. Boy has it had me torn up. I've cried every day since it's happened and prayed fervently that some peace will come to their family quickly. I had never read her blog until I saw a link on someone else's expressing their condolences....I read it on several blogs, actually. I pulled it up tonight and one of Jen's friends wrote a tribute to her mother, Kim. She put a quote in there that Kim had posted as a comment on one of her daughter Jen's posts. This woman and I could have been friends. I could feel her desire to help others....and it mirrors me completely. We have the same heart. :) I lifted it from the post so I could share it with you all tonight.

Quote For The Day:

"Now as we travel the road of life, we need to pick up others along the way as their loads may be too heavy to carry." -Kim, Jen at "Prior Fat Girl"'s mom