A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Wow This Is Hard

Ok.  So you all know I wasn't able to buy groceries for 3 weeks and just had to make due with what I already had in the house....and I've been maintaining a weight of 247 lbs. for the last few weeks now.  Well I finally got a chance to buy groceries last Sunday morning and I've been eating reall well for the last 4 days.  I got on the scale this morning and what did I see?  247 lbs.  Really?  Seriously?? 

I know what the problem is.  I'm just eating too much.  Granted....I'm eating good, decent stuff....not crap food.  But I'm still eating too much...as in....all day long at my desk at work.  Yogurt....grapes...blackberries...lowfat Wheat Thins....baked chicken & broccoli....italian chicken sausages w/ onions and peppers on whole wheat buns...apples...oranges.  These are the types of things I've eaten for the last 4 days.  And yes, I'm still the exact same weight as last week.  Doesn't give me much hope for Friday's weigh-in.
I'm very discouraged about this.  Being out of work for so long...this is something I'd forgotten about.  The constant opportunity to snack.  What's weird is I didn't constantly snack at home when I was on unemployment for nearly a year and a half.  Nowhere near as often as I do now.  Why is that?  I really don't know.  I just don't know.  Why can't I seem to control or stop it?  I don't know that either.

My clothes are too tight.  All of them.  They've been too tight for a few weeks now and I've been miserable and uncomfortable, no matter what I put on to wear.  I seriously considered hitting up the Goodwill for a bigger size and today it finally hit me.  What the hell are you talking about Tammy?  Bigger clothes?  Are you a complete and total moron?  Be HAPPY that your clothes don't have elastic in the waists anymore because now your clothes can be a fantastic indicator for when you need to seriously pull in the reigns!  And that's what I've been trying to do.

I thought I was on the right track w/ buying the healthier stuff...fresh produce and such.  But it turns out that even if you're not eating the junky, crap food....you can still eat too much of the good stuff and not lose weight.  That's a real bummer.  I've been very stressed (happy...but stressed) with learning a new job....trying to set up a HUGE garage sale that's not working out (tried to place ads this week and they wanted $45 for 2 days....NO CAN DO).....trying to plan to move to my new apt in a month (thinking about setting up the electric, gas, cable/internet, etc....changing mailing address with every company I deal with, changing it at the post ofc, getting my car tag before my birthday, getting an oil change that I desperately need....did I mention I had to replace the front brakes on my car and that was a whopping $430???....trying to get my house packed and having nowhere to put the boxes because the garage is FULL of garage sale stuff....dreading having to haul all that sh*t to Goodwill if nothing sells....buying posterboard and markers and making up about 10 signs to put out since I can't afford the ads)....and the list goes on and on.

I figured getting this weight off would be one little bright spot in a sea of stress and something I could be proud of  and happy about...have the feeling that I've accomplished SOMETHING and exercised SOME sort of control in all of this mess.  But it's just not happening.  It's very discouraging.  I guess 9 hours is a lot of time to spend in one spot (at my desk...entering insurance claims among other things)...and once an hour...i'm grabbing for something to eat.  That's a lot of food in 9 hours.  I guess maybe it's boredom?  Some days are busier than others, but let's face it....insurance claims isn't a fast-paced, high-stress job, unless there's a tornado or something that's blown through.....some reason for someone to file a claim.  But most days are pretty slow-going....and that leaves a lot of time to eat. 

So this is where I'm at.  Happy with my job....excited and stressed about my move....and disgusted with my fat body and my lack of discipline when it comes to shoving food in my mouth, no matter how healthy it is.  And it has not escaped me that I'm only 25 lbs less than I was when I started this blog a year ago this month.  25 lbs lost in a year.  Wow.  I suck.  Big time.

A lot of days I have every inclination to shut this blog down for good.  Just disappear.  And you know why, right?  Because how many times...how many days and weeks and months can you post about what you want to do...what you're going to do...only to fail miserably time and time again.  25 lbs in a year???  Is that giving it my best effort?  Of course not.  I don't think we can even call that giving it 50% effort in the grand scheme of things.  It's pathetic...pure and simple.  It's disheartening.  I'm disappointed in myself and my lack of consistency, perseverance and discipline.  I know exactly what it takes to lose this weight.  I could tell someone else exactly how to do it and feel completely confident in what I was saying.  But I haven't applied my knowledge on a regular, consistent basis.  I get a big, fat "F" in the Focus department.  I deserve my lack of weight loss because I haven't worked for it.  I've let negativity, bad circumstances, depression, stress (good and bad), emotion of every kind rule my mind and come inbetween me and my goal.  Yes...I'm disappointed in myself.  So am I going to shut down my blog?

The answer to that is no.  Why?  Because I still have some flicker of hope burning inside me that one day I'll get it right.  I think when my move is over and I'm settled in there that I'll have more time to devote to blogging.  And I really get a lot out of it when I do it.  I've made so many good connections and friendships with people who are just like me.  The comraderie can't be matched.  This is the best forum in the world to share your struggles as well as your triumphs.  In our little virtual world here, we're free to be as open as honest as we dare.  And it's amazing.  It's more than I've ever shared or enjoyed with friends in my every day or "real" life.  I've laughed with you....I've cried with you....I've prayed for you....I've tried your recipes...I've found out about new products....I've shared your victories along the road and I've held your hand through the less-than-triumphant times....we're family.  And at this juncture in my life and in my weight loss travels...I just can't imagine doing it without you.  So I'm still here...and will continue to be.  I'll continue to pop in with little updates until things straighten out and settle down.  I'm in a valley right now....but all that means is that there's bound to be another mountaintop up ahead.  Things will get better.  I do have it in me to conquer this...I know I do...and I know you do, too.  So as always....we'll continue down this road together and when we finally reach our goals...no matter how long it takes us to get there...we'll celebrate it together...just like family.  :)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Picking Myself Up


Well, the garage sale was a total bust.  We had 4 customers in 4 hours...totally sucked.  So Dwayne suggested I take out a couple of ads in the local paper to advertise one for next weekend.  He seems to think this will make a world of difference, so we'll see what happens.  Hopefully we'll have a lot more traffic.

I haven't been grocery shopping in 3 weeks....just been eating stuff out of the freezer and pantry because I haven't had any money in the budget for groceries.  Today I scraped up $30 and Dwayne gave me another $35, so I hit Publix with $65 in hand...woo hoo!  I took a pic of everything I got.  Oh how I missed fresh produce and dairy!  As T.J. would say, here's a picture of my loot!



Ok....here's what I got:

split chicken breasts
broccoli
bell pepper
onion
tomatoes
apples
oranges
grapes
romaine lettuce
baby spinach
eggs
chicken sausages
whole wheat hot dog buns
Greek yogurt
blackberries
cottage cheese
shrimp
cucumber
carrots

YAY!!!

My sister Amy came over tonight and had dinner with me.  She sauteed some shrimp in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter w/ a touch of salt and some pepper, garlic & parsley.  We each had a little saucer of it with a salad on the side w/ romaine, spinach, onions, cucumbers, tomatoes, a sprinkle of garlic & herb feta cheese & a splash of Greek dressing.  Dinner was light and delicious!



I'm making an effort to get back on the right track with the eating, one step at a time.  Dinner was good tonight and I baked some chicken and broccoli in the oven for lunch and dinner tomorrow.  Breakfast will be yogurt with fresh blackberries....snacks will be carrots and and a salad I made up tonight so it'll be ready to go in the morning.  I've had lots of water this wknd and hope to continue that through the week. 

Hope everyone else had a good weekend...I'm signing off so I can get a few more chores done and then get to bed at a decent time.  5:30am comes way too early!  'Nite friends.  :)

Friday, June 25, 2010

To: Kim in Woodstock

Quick post!

I got a comment on my last post from a fellow weight loss blogger named Kim in Woodstock.  I clicked on your name but don't see that you have a blog for me to leave you a comment there.   I'd love for you to come to my garage sale...but I'm not living in Kennesaw anymore like I was when I set up my profile on my blog last year.  I'm now in Emerson.  Email me at my email listed on the sidebar of my blog and we'll see if we can set something up.  I'd love to meet you!  :)

To the rest of my friends....I'll do a post on Sunday night and let you know how my weekend and garage sale went!  Happy Friday everyone! :)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Busy As A Bee

Hey friends!  Quick post from work!  Somehow this has turned from a weight loss blog into a "life" blog, lol.  I still weigh the same as I did last week....remember how I said I gained all the weight back from the week before?  The amount I didn't want to report?  Well it's still there.  In case I don't have time to post tomorrow morning, I'll go ahead and tell you.  I'm at 247 lbs.  I basically maintained this week.  As hideous as that # is, at least I didn't get fatter I guess.

Things are going well at work....learning my job and taking on new stuff here and there.  I'm having a garage sale starting this Saturday.  If I don't sell much, I'll do it again the following weekend.  I found out I got approved for that apartment and I move in at the end of July!!!  So the next 4-5 weeks will be busy with garage sale stuff and then packing up the house and getting moved.  I'll keep popping in every few days to update you....and if I actually get my focus back on the food, then I'll pop in more often.  Hope all is doing well.  I'm trying to jump around and leave a few comments here and there....just not much time.  I haven't even been turning my computer on at night when I get home from work....there's just too much to do.  Tonight I'm pricing all of my garage sale items that I've already got set up out there, and also using some posterboard and stakes to make signs to put out tomorrow night.  I've been averaging about 4 1/2 hours of sleep a night since I started work last week.  I'm pretty much in zombie auto-pilot mode at this point.  :)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Life...Good: Weight Loss...Bad

Things are not good on the weight loss front...AT ALL.  I've gained back every lb. I lost week before last.  I haven't drank near enough water and had too many convenience, sodium-packed meals.  I've got a recurring problem that showed back up this weekend also.  About every year and a half, my right salivatory gland under my tongue gets blocked by calcium stones.  I get a huge lump on my neck, and when I salivate (eat), the whole bottom row of teeth on the bottom right side throb like I've got a raging toothache in each one.  It's hard to explain if you've never had it happen...but it's unbearable.  The only solution is to go to an ENT doctor and let them put shots in the bottom of my mouth (under my tongue) and numb it...last time it took 10 shots....and then snip off the end of my salivatory gland so the calcium deposits and all the infection can drain out.  It's so painful, they put me on hydrocodone for about a week til it's all drained and healed.  Fun stuff.

I've had it done 2x now...this will be the 3rd.  It irritates the living crap out of me that I've been sitting here with all the free time in the world for well over a year, and this sh*t shows back up 3 days after I've started a new job.  Doesn't look good to be missing work already to get this done, but there's no way around it.  I explained it to Billie and I think she understands.  Hopefully the big boss Scott won't get too mad. 

Did the reunion on Saturday and Father's Day dinner at Mom's today.  It was also Shane's birthday, but couldn't celebrate it due to Father's Day, so I'm taking him out to dinner tomorrow night.  One of these days I'll get the sodium reigned back in...just hasn't happened yet.  I did manage to get all of my water in yesterday and today, so that's a step in the right direction.  I spent 5 hours Friday night and another 5 hours yesterday night organizing garage sale stuff out in the garage.  Set up tables, put covers on them, organized stuff by category, etc.  I've filled up my entire garage and everything I have left will have to go out in the driveway the morning of the sale, which will start weekend after next.  My sister and I spent 3 hours today going through all of her stuff, and I have a huge pile sitting in my livingroom now that I have to go through....she gave me a zillion clothes, and I have to sort them all by size and such.  I'm purposely taking this much time to make the sale organized with clean, working stuff and neat piles/sizes of clothes, etc. because I think you make more money at sales where things aren't all dusty or clothes aren't all jumbled up in piles with 10 different sizes. 

Should hear back from the apt this week on whether or not my application was approved.  It should be, and then I'll just be waiting to hear if they have an apt open by the end of July.  Then I'll know whether I'm moving at the end of July or if it will be the end of August.  Either way, after I finish with the garage sale, it will be time to start packing up stuff.  With working a full-time job now, I just have to do some each night when I get home so it's not all left til the end.  I hate procrastination...it's a pet peeve. 

So anyhoo, this is what I've been up to.  Still haven't had a single free minute to read and comment on everyone's blogs yet.  I think I only read 2 today when I turned on my computer...there just wasn't time.  But I haven't forgotten about you...I hope everyone is doing well.  Oh!  I read Lyn's blog today...that's who it was...at Escape from Obesity....and I saw that she got to Onederland a few days ago...something she's been struggling to reach for quite a while now....so a big shout out to her for patiently working through her issues with the weight, figuring stuff out, sharing it with the rest of us so we too can learn, and hitting a huge milestone.  Very, very proud of her determination and tenacity.  She inspires me tremendously.  :)  'Nite friends.  :)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Quickie

Been so busy...and so tired!! 

Just going to give you a quick update to let you know I'm still alive and kicking.  I won't be weighing in tomorrow.  It's just not going to happen.  Maybe next Friday will look better.

I get up at 5:30am, leave for work at 6:45am, and get there around 7:30am to prepare for my work day that starts at 8am.  I leave work at 5:00pm, and with the Atlanta traffic, I don't get home til 6:30pm.  It's just going to take a couple of weeks to get used to this schedule so I'm not so tired when I get home at night.  Then I'm sure I'll be back to regular blogging.  Until then I'll pop in with some quick updates.

I love my job....I love the people....I love that I can dress casually....and I love that I'm going to get some kind of a raise at the end of the year because the pay is the same as I was making on unemployment, which means "not much", lol.  But I'm thankful and grateful beyond belief to be back in the workforce...I truly am.

Yesterday after work I went to an apt complex and turned in an application and put down a deposit to get on a waiting list for a 1 BR apartment for me and Scarlette.  I was originally planning on moving at the end of August, but now I"m trying to bump it up a month to the end of July.  I just have to wait and see if they have any coming open by then.  I should know within a couple of months.  This will shorten my commute to about 30 mins in the evening instead of 1 1/2 hours....and it will allow Shane to get all settled in with Billie a month sooner than we planned since they're now married.  He's living over there with her now, but his money is still coming here for rent and utilities....so I'm trying to fix that by seeing if we can move out sooner. 

I started organizing our family reunion last year for the first time, so this year is our 2nd one.  My mom's side of the family is huge.  I have about 33 cousins, if that gives you some idea.  The reunion is Saturday.  Dwayne and Scarlette are going with me, and we have to leave my house at 11:30am to make it to the reunion spot by 1pm, so I've got tomorrow night after work and early Saturday morning to do all my cooking.  I'm taking a pot roast, ham, potato salad, 2 dishes of baked mac 'n' chz, and deviled eggs.  As you can see, I've been quite busy this week with all the planning.

I've also been gathering stuff for a garage sale this week.  I'm getting Dwayne, Mom and Shane to contribute some of their things too so that we can have a lot of stuff for people to choose from, and hopefully make a little bit of money for all of us.  I need all the money I can get when it comes time to move, so I'm hoping to have enough stuff to earn at least $200 or so.  Also, there's virtually NO storage space in the 1 BR apt, so I'm trying to get rid of everything that's not utilitarian or just an absolute necessity, like my livingroom and bedroom furniture, and kitchen stuff for cooking.  I've got my sentimental stuff down to one box.  Christmas is my favorite time of year, but I have no room to store my Christmas collection, so I'm only keeping my tree and a couple of decorations....90% of my stuff is going in the garage sale...makes me sad, but it's necessary.  I'm planning on having my garage sale weekend after next if all works out. 

So that's what's going on with me.  I've got to sign off and wash dishes and do a couple of loads of laundry and try to get to bed at a decent hour tonight.  I'll catch up on everyone's blogs as soon as I find some free time...but it's kind of exciting that I don't have any free time right now, lol.  I hope you all understand.  Miss you bunches!!  'Nite friends.  :)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I Got A Job...Again!

Remember White-Hart & Assoc. who hired me for 2 1/2 days and then let me go after the budget meeting because their partners in Florida wanted to wait til the next quarter to see what their numbers looked like?  Well that partner isn't getting his work done fast enough because the ofc is understaffed, so he told Scott, the boss in this ofc here in Georgia, to hire me back....and this time, to hire me permanent, and not through a temp agency....and to make sure I start tomorrow morning at 8am.  I have a permanent job starting tomorrow, in an ofc with casual dress attire, working with Billie..someone I love, doing a job that I already know I can do and am going to like.  I spent all day yesterday laying in bed crying and praying, crying and praying, asking for answers, asking for help, asking for understanding.  Today He answered my prayers.  Things are starting to look up and I thank God for it. :)

Monday, June 14, 2010

WOW - Shocked To Say The Least

It is amazing how they pick the people that are doing the worst to give these awards to.  I'm floored.  Honored...but floored.  And I was only speaking of myself when I said they pick the worst people, given the times I've had lately.  This is another one of those crappy weeks.  I can't even smile about this right now....my jaw is just on the floor.  I'm embarassed to be on a list with so many cool people.  I actually made a list that Lyn at Escape From Obesity is on....the diet blogger extraordinaire, and Diane from Fit To The Finish....the queen of maintenance.   Can you believe that?  Yeah, me neither.  Here's the badge they gave me and part of the letter I found in my inbox.


Dear Tammy,







Congratulations! Your blog, From Fat to Fab, has just won the 2010 Top Diet


Blog award in the Medical category!






You can see your name amongst our winners here at:


http://www.medicalbillingandcoding.org/top_diet/#From_Fat_to_Fab

 
My name is Dennis and I am part of the Awarding The Web team, a grass-roots


group that works with sponsor sites to recognize quality blogs & bloggers in


various categories.
 
 
 
Thank you Dennis.  As much as I think you made a major faux pas in your choosing me...I still thank you.  It's a tremendous honor for me.  If you guys keep giving me these kinds of awards, I might actually have to do better and live up to it.  :)
 
'Nite friends.  :)

Shane & Billie Got Hitched


I explained last week that Shane's dad is not doing well.  He's been in the hospital for about 3 weeks now with a multitude of problems.  Shane and Billie were supposed to get married in a church in October, but with his dad's failing health, they changed their plans.  They both wanted his dad to be a part of the wedding, so they went and got their marriage license on Friday, and had a ceremony in his room on Sunday afternoon.

The nurses were very excited to hear of the impromptu wedding, with only a couple of days notice for all involved.  They stood in the doorway and watched the service and then threw us a surprise reception in their conference room....truly a great bunch of caring ladies.  I was in charge of taking pics of the wedding with Billie's camera....so I wasn't able to get pics of the actual ceremony with my own camera...but I got plenty throughout the afternoon. 




































Friday, June 11, 2010

No News Isn't Always Good News

Ok.  I'm really tired of talking about this crap (my life, my joblessness, etc.) to the point that I really wish I could just go *poof* and disappear...or perhaps drive a T-bird off a cliff in the Grand Canyon.  I'll be Louise...anyone wanna'  be my Thelma?

I got tired of waiting for days on end to hear about the job I interviewed for on Monday....the one that I said I felt 90-95% sure I got because I "thought" the hour-long interview went so well.  Shows you how much I know...

I called Wendy at TRC Staffing today to inquire if she'd heard ANYTHING at all yet???  She said they interviewed ANOTHER girl TODAY...and she actually told me that Rhonda said it went "REAAAALLLY WELL" with that girl......so I was like, "Ok...um....well...well how did they say MY interview went on Monday?"  Wendy said they haven't mentioned how mine went.

Nice....well thanks for telling me how the OTHER girl's interview went....now I'm feeling on top of the world!  NOT.

She said that Rhonda told her they just haven't been able to make their final decision yet.  I wasn't getting good vibes that it was going to be me.  So instead of staying in perpetual worry & wait mode...I'm going with the assumption that I'm not going to be the one who gets hired....and that I'm back to Square One.  Do I need to mention how much I hate Square One?  I didn't think so.

There's your update.  Have a good weekend everone...I'm off to gas up the T-bird.

Not Too Shabby




Kandice created another badge for our Summer Challenge....pretty cool.



I'm also participating in Chris' Challenge this month to keep up with my exercise.

Last week I weighed 247.4 and my goal was to lose 7 lbs.  Here's this morning's #'s:



I lost 9.6 lbs. this week. 

Hoping to hear back something on that job today, good or bad.  I'll post sometime this wknd to let you know if I do.
:)


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Stay Tuned

I'm still alive...and binge-free....thanks be to God for giving me the strength.  Not that there weren't many, many tears and a migraine headache involved...but He pulled me through it.  I'll post my weigh-in with a pic of the scale tmrw morning...so stay tuned.  And thank you worlds over for all of your prayers and well wishes.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Things Are Bad

The girl at TRC Staffing emailed me this morning to let me know that Rhonda, the lady I interviewed with on Monday, is out of the ofc today and tomorrow, so maybe I'll hear something by Friday...who knows.  I feel like I've been holding my breath for 3 days because so much stuff rides on me finding a job and finding one fast.  I've had insomnia for a solid week now, ever since I first talked to the operations director on the phone last Tuesday about this job.  I just cannot seem to shut my brain off at night and go to sleep.  I get in bed around 11pm and I lay awake until well after 3am most nights....then I'm right up and out of bed again between 6:30-7:00am.  This has added to my stress, and when I found out today that I'm not going to know anything on the job for at least another 2-3 days, the dam broke and I started crying.  I'm exhausted.  I'm stressed to no end.  I'm scared.  I'm a lot of things. 

I texted Dwayne and he called me.  I blurted all this out about the stress, no sleep, wanting to eat everything in sight (stress eating) but trying not to....trying to control it....and I screamed at him that I'm ready to just go beg someone to give me weight loss surgery and at least solve one of my many problems. 

He tried to console me, and said that he's had a really shitty morning, too.  He's known for a few weeks now that his job is in jeopardy because of restructuring at work.  He's in one division of Quality Assurance for a particular product...their flagship product...and the girl under him quit and found another job about a month ago.  Then his supervisor quit and found another job 2 weeks ago.  He's the only one left working on this particular product.  He tried to see if there was an open req in another department...the only other one he's qualified to work in....and they tried to get him over there, but yesterday the decision was made that anymore open req's for that department would be filled in their ofc in Costa Rica because it's cheaper to hire there.  So he can't transfer in order to keep his job....and the position he's in now is on thin ice.  If he loses his job, not only will he not be able to help me financially....he'll be hard-pressed to take care of his own bills.  The big boss from Israel is in town and things are changing even as I type this.  He's scared...just like I am. 

Add to this that last night my roommate Shane came home after visiting his Dad in the hospital, who's been in there for nearly 2 weeks now.  (He's in and out a lot, he has a multitude of severe health problems).  Yesterday his dad went into congestive heart failure.  Shane said he looked gray, and that he refused his feeding tube.  Billie and Shane were supposed to get married in October, and his Dad was going to be his best man.  Last night Shane told me that Billie is checking into a marriage license today, and that he is going to check with the chaplain at the hospital and see if they can get married in the chapel there so his dad can be part of the wedding before he passes.  This morning Shane texted me and said his dad might of had an anyrysm, or ambulism, or something like that.  Things are going downhill fast.

So as morbid as this sounds, we've got a looming funeral in the distance.  And on the practical side of things where I'm concerned, if Shane's Dad passes, or even if he doesn't, but he and Billie get married in the chapel at the hospital this week....I don't expect Shane to keep up his end of our rental agreement and continue to live here with me and pay half the bills.  It is humanly impossible for me to pay the full amount on our rent or any of our utilities.  I don't mean to be crass talking about bills while his Dad's impending passing is obviously more important...but this is my reality, and these are things that I think and worry about. 

And then there's the weight loss that I'm supposed to be prioritizing.  I was 247.4 last Friday.  I got on the scale this morning and I'm 243.  I was 241 lbs yesterday morning, but I had too much sodium yesterday.  So 4.4 lbs. gone so far.  I didn't want to go to the park and walk this morning, but I did it, and it hurt.  The muscles in my legs are really tight and burning because I've been out of the exercise groove for so long.

I'm going to be honest with you, because I've always been honest with you on this blog.  I don't want to concentrate on losing weight right now.  Wait...I'll re-phrase that.  I want to care...but I'm finding it hard to concentrate and focus and make it my #1 priority.  I feel like things are crashing down all around me and I have an overwhelming desire to stress eat even though I know it's wrong....even though I know I'll regret it later and it will compound all of my problems.  I feel like I'm not strong enough to beat this right now.  I keep telling myself that you can't wait til things "get easier", because Life is always going to throw you curveballs.  Life is always going to be unfair and it's always going to be messy.  I don't want to be one of those people who says they're start tomorrow, or next week, or next month.  I know better than that.  I know those excuses are bullshit.  But what I also know is that my defenses are down....I can't seem to stop crying today...I want to be comforted and no comfort is to be found. 

I've tried to think of ways to distract myself....I can't read a book because I can't concentrate on it and I read the same damn sentence 20x over.  I can't take a nap and get some much needed rest because my brain will not shut off and let me rest.  It's racing a million miles a minute with all kinds of thoughts and worries.  I don't want to just get out in the car and drive around for a couple of different reasons.  For one, I don't trust myself not to drive to a buffet restaurant.  For another, it's at least 90 degrees outside today, I don't have air conditioning in my car, and driving around feeling like I'm going to have a heat stroke puts me in an even worse mood.  I can't stop and get out somewhere and go shopping in a nice air-conditioned store because I don't have any money to spend and window shopping for stuff I can't afford to buy makes me zone in on just how bad off I am financially, which leads to more stress and depression.

I know I'm rambling here....I'm just journaling out my thoughts.  Here's another piece of honesty.  I don't know what the scale is going to say on Friday.  I don't know if I can hold onto the 243 or if it will be higher.  I don't know if I'm going to post my weigh-in, take a picture of the scale, or even be blogging at all for a while.  I'm embarassed that I've struggled so much with my weight loss.  I'm mad that it seems so hard when it really shouldn't be.  It should be as simple (not easy, but simple), as making a decision and sticking to it.  My decision should be as "iron clad" as Sean's is, and my "steel curtain zone" should actually be made out of steel, and not Jell-O. 

I'm tired, mad, sad, stressed, depressed, unfocused, overwhelmed, scared...you name it.  I don't know when I'll be back to blog again, but I wanted to at least let you know that.  Take care everyone.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Job Interview Today!

Let me do the food pics first, and then I'll tell you about the job interview.  :)

I don't have all of my pics today because after I got the call to interview today I kind of lost my mind.

Ham, egg beaters, and cheese sandwich on wheat bun w/ 1 Tbsp mayo.
Calories:  280

I made a chicken meatloaf w/ 1/2 c. panko bread crumbs, 1 lb. of ground chicken breast, red and orange bell peppers, a small jar of mushrooms and some onion.  I cut it into 6 thick slices, each slice being 143 calories each.



I baked it at 400 for 35 mins covered with foil.  Then took the foil off, added a little ketchup on top and baked uncovered for another 10 mins.



Meatloaf sandwich w/ 1 slice meatloaf on wheat bun with 1 Tbsp. lite mayo.
Calories:  268


2 c. strawberries
Calories:  86

I baked 3 chicken breasts (about 5 oz. each) w/ baby vidalia onions, fresh salsa and cubanelle peppers (which are supposed to be a cross between a bell pepper and a sweet banana pepper I think).







One chicken breast w/ veggies plus 1 c. Steamfresh chicken flavored rice.
Calories:  410

I also got out bright and early this morning and hit the trail at the park and got my exercise in.  My mind's still not in full swing again with the exercise, so I'm not going to tell you I loved it, but I'm making the effort to get it done.

On to the interview!

I got an email from Rick, the director of operations at the company I've been trying to get hired at.  He said he's in Vegas this week at a conference, but his office manager, Rhonda, would be calling me today.  I got a call at 10am and was asked to come in and interview at 2:30pm today.

The interview went well I think.  It was tough and there were a lot of deep, thoughtful questions.  Women interviewers are much different from male interviewers, from my female perspective.  They're way tougher.  You have to make sure you don't wear too much make-up, remember that she doesn't give a damn about whether or not you wear your strappy black heels, and don't try to charm her too much.  Am I being sexist?  You may call it that....but after being around the job block several times in my life, I just call it being real.   She was tough, but I was completely impressed with her interviewing skills. 

I feel about 90% positive I got the job, but I'm not confident enough to say 100%.  That was another thing she was good at....not conveying her decision even after an hour of talking.  Women....so much harder to read than men, lol.  Anyhoo, she said she would talk to Rick and that the staffing company would be calling me in a day or two.  More waiting!!!!!  This is making me nuts.

The pay is the same as I was making at the last job I got laid off from over a year ago, which is a HUGE blessing.  It's not a ton of money, but it's more than the $12/hr that I was going to make at White-Hart and Assoc. if that job had of worked out a couple of weeks ago.  Funny how things work out.

They say the dress code is business casual, but she was dressed in capris and flip-flops, lol.  So hooray for a casual dress code, especially after Dwayne bought me all those capris for my 2 day stint at White-Hart.  Now I don't have to feel guilty about that anymore.

They have 10 paid holidays, and after you've completed your 90-day probationary period, you're eligible for vacation depending on what month you start.  The later in the year you start, the less vacation.  As of January 1st, it will be 2 full weeks of vacation time, plus a couple of personal days and a couple of sick days.  They have decent health insurance....it's not super cheap because they're not a huge corporation...they're a medium-sized, privately held company....but it's not horrendous either.  I can deal.

Jack Sh*t gave me some good advice a few days ago about not putting all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak, and letting everything ride on one job.  I have definitely been applying for anything and eveything I can find, but this has been the only prospect I've had for an interview, so I've definitely zoned in on it.  I have the worst binge feelings I've had in a long, long time and it's directly related to the stress I have over wanting to land this job (ANY JOB).  It sucks....it totally sucks.  It's like my mind is in overdrive and for the life of me, I don't understand why that makes me want to shovel food in my mouth hand over fist.  I haven't done that....but those are the feelings I'm having.  The fact is....if I give in to the urges and just eat and eat, I won't be able to fit into any of my clothes for work.  It will set me way back with my mental progress on this weight loss thing.  Notice I didn't say "physical" progress, because I think we can all see how bad that is sucking.  I keep losing the same lbs. over and over and over again. 

Last week's gain was not from bingeing.  It was from sodium from eating in restaurants all week because I didn't want to think about cooking.  That's why I made my weight loss goal 7 lbs. this week, because I knew I'd have a big sodium drop.  And I will.  I've already looked at the scale and it's moving in the right direction.   I haven't done that kind of frantic eating in many months.  I've really been working on it and I'm proud of that.  But it's definitely a fight right now.  I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails and I'm on really, REALLY shaky ground. 

So pray for me friends.  Pray that I got the job and pray that I can stop abusing food.  So much of this weight loss thing is mental.  It really is.  So much mental work to get it right, and KEEP it right....not fall back into old habits.  It's just so easy.  When you've been dealing with your issues (emotional, stress, etc.) by stuffing yourself into oblivion with food for the last 20 years...it's really, really tough to learn new ways and habits and to completely reverse the old ones.  The actual math of the weight loss process is simple....calories in/calories out....eat less/move more....I know exactly how to drop 5-7 lbs in a week.  But it takes a whole lot of focus, planning, preparation...did I say focus?  to do it right, and to do it week in and week out, consistently. 

Those are my 2 biggest problems.  Focus and consistency.  I'm so easily distracted by what I consider more important things....like losing the unemployment and needing a job NOW...one that pays enough to cover all of my bills, etc, etc.  And the consistency thing is a real killer.  I did fantastic with my beach challenge, dropping 15 lbs in 4 weeks.  I was focused.  But I let the focus go once I got to the beach, and put back on all 15 lbs in 9 days flat.  I got right back up to 241 lbs. and I hung out there for a couple of weeks, doing nothing to drop the weight.  Then I really freaked out and stopped cooking and gained some more, taking me up to 247.4 last week.  All of this causing me to realize just HOW MANY TIMES I've lost the same 15 lbs or so...from 230-245 or so.  Over and over and over.  So stoopid.  Just so stoopid.

I want to see the 220's again.  My time there has been fleeting.  I want to go back.  I'm just about to the point to where I'd cut off my right arm to never see the 230's and 240's on the scale again.  I wish I didn't have such a one-track mind.  Like I can only worry about one thing  or the other, but not both things at once...finding a job AND losing weight.  As I mentioned earlier, my desire to exericse is still not back.  I used to love it...look forward to it...my body shape was changing....I was losing inches and I knew it.  But it has absolutely vanished.  The will is not there.  I am currently doing that "fake it til you make it" thing that I've read about on other blogs.  I'm going through the motions because I know how harmful it would be to me to give up exercise altogether.  I'm just doing what I can until the desire returns, and I pray that it happens soon.  I want to love it again.  I want it become part of the thread of my life, of who I am.  It's that important. 

'Nite friends.  :)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sunday's Seafood Stuffed Mushrooms


I'm hanging in there.  Had my 3rd good day in a row.  Today was really tough.  I wanted all kinds of stuff I shouldn't have...candy bars, Chinese, etc.  But I held strong and stuck to my calorie budget.

2 oz. Boar's Head low sodium ham, 1/2 c. egg beaters, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper and 2 Tbsp. salsa.
Calories:  140



6" on wheat philly steak sub from Publix deli.  Boar's Head roast beef, mushrooms, onions, bell peppers and provolone.  Ballparking the calories.

Calories:  600


Chobani blueberry yogurt.
Calories:  140

I decided to make one of my favorite simple recipes today...seafood stuffed mushrooms.  I used some large white button mushrooms, 3 oz. of shrimp that I sauteed with some diced onion & just a sprinkle of garlic and Adobo seasoning, 1/4 c. of imitation crab meat and 1/4 c. of Panko italian bread crumbs.  Instead of the butter I used to use to moisten these in my pre-weight loss days, I simply used a tbsp. of water to moisten the bread crumbs and get everything to stick together.








I moved the oven rack down to the 3rd row so I could broil these and get the mushrooms done w/o burning the top of the stuffing.  I cooked them for about 15 mins on broil.  I ate every single one of these.
Calories:  310

I finished off the day's eating with a scramble using 3 oz. of the sauteed shrimp, 3/4 c. egg beaters, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper and 2 Tbsp. salsa.
Calories:  204

I'll be having 2 c. of decaf coffee w/ sugar-free creamer shortly.
Calories:  30

Total Calories:  1424

I'm also keeping up with Chris' challenge of an hour of exercise 6 days/week.
Hooray for 3 sane days in a row.  :)


Saturday, June 5, 2010

Decent Calories For a Saturday


I planned for us to grill out chicken breasts for dinner tonight w/ a side of sauteed mushrooms & 1/2 a baked potato for me.  As the day wore on, plans changed, as they usually do on a Saturday.  I posted pics anyway.  Hope everyone is having a good weekend.  :)

                   1/2 c. egg beaters w/ 4 oz. baked pork tenderloin, mushrooms, onions and 2 Tbsp. of salsa.
                                                                             Calories:  220

2 oz. of Boar's Head low sodium ham on whole wheat bun w/ 1 Tbsp. lite mayo, onion, pickle and tomato.
Calories:  225



Banana.
Calories:  110


1 c. Steamfresh garlic peas & mushrooms...forgot to take a pic.
Calories:  100

2 oz. Boar's Head low sodium ham on whole wheat bun w/ dijon mustard and 2% American chz.
Calories:  215


6" Club sub that I'm ballparking the calories on.
Calories:  600


6 of these chicken wings that were baked w/ a dry rub seasoning...ballparking calories.
Calories:  300


2 Tbsp. sugar-free creamer
Calories:  30

Total Calories:  1800

Pretty amazing for a Saturday.

Making The Effort

I took pics of all my food today and counted every calorie.  I also exercised and drank (4) 32 oz. glasses of water.  Here are my food pics.

                                                   4 egg whites scrambled w/ 2% chz and salsa.
                                                                          Calories: 123

8" Larry's sub on wheat w/ ham, turkey, veggies, lite mayo and spicy mustard.
Calories:  589

Campbell's Select Harvest chicken noodle soup.
Calories:  200



2 oz. Boar's Head low sodium ham.
Calories:  50

Banana
Calories:  110

6 oz. baked pork tenderloin w/ 1 c. Steamfresh garlic peas and mushrooms and reduced-fat crescent roll.
Calories:  385

2 c. watermelon.
Calories:  98

3 Tbsp. sugar-free creamer for 45 cals.

Total Calories:  1602

Hooray for a good day.  :)