A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Self-Love: Is There An App For That???

It's been a while since I've laughed at talked about the concept of self-love on my blog.  It's a concept I just don't get....no matter how hard I try to understand it.  My friend Pam said to me a while back that if I don't learn to love myself, I'll never get the weight off and keep it off.  She said "hate breeds hate".  And nothing good or positive can come from that.  While I see the point she's trying to make....I still don't understand how to rid myself of the self-hate for what I've done to my body...and replace it with self-love. 

I even tried to get down to the basics and use one of those tricks I heard talked about on Oprah one day where you stand in front of the mirror and simply say, "I love you Tammy".  That didn't work out too well.  I couldn't even form the words.  Here's why.  It was a lie....and if there's one person I cannot lie to in the entire world...it's myself.  I know myself.  I know my mind...my thoughts and feelings, etc.  And to look right at myself and tell myself that I love me is a big, fat lie.  I can't look at myself in the mirror and only see the good side of me.  I see the bad side, too.  Doing this naked is especially effective.  I look like the Michelin Man...a big, white tire stack of fat rolls.  How can I love that?  How can I love ME for making myself look like that?  And for so many years?

It's going on 30 years now that I've been fat.  Why?  What's wrong with me?  Why did I think this was ok?  Why haven't I stopped the behavior and turned it around?  What's taking me so long to do the mental changes to lose the fat and keep it off...instead of always re-gaining?  All of the teasing and taunting and ridicule I suffered through the years.....even as recent as a few months ago when an elderly man referred to me as "Miss Piggy" in the grocery store when speaking to his young granddaughters.......why hasn't that been enough to make me want to change things for the better?  Why is permanent weight loss such an elusive thing for me?  Why do I always revert back to old ways, no matter how much progress I make?

I was in bed last night lying on my side with my huge, flabby stomach sprawled out on the bed beside me.  I was groping it with my hands...feeling the circumference....the mind-boggling size of it...and remembering back to last year when I had made it down to 222 lbs.  I was remembering how good I felt.  I'm 5'10 tall, and at 222 lbs., I remember entertaining the idea that if I could lose 23 more lbs and get to 199, I may just stop and make that my goal.  I was feeling THAT good, physically and mentally.  I was HAPPY.  Now I'm all the way back up to 258 lbs., and I'm just disgusted.  I feel like I'm staring at a brick wall.  Like I'm stuck in a cycle that I can't get out of, even though I thought I had the tools to fix this. 

Maybe self-love plays a bigger part in this than I thought...so it might do me some good to actually learn how to apply it, attain it, learn it, something......because as of right now...I don't have those skills...I don't posess that quality....however you want to say it.  I need an app for that.  Tips, anyone?? 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Sick As A Dawg

Oy.  Dwayne had a nasty head cold last week and was out of work and laying half dead on my sofa for 4 days.  He very kindly passed it along to me and boy has it been rough.  I've done nothing but sleep for the last 2 days.  Miserable.  Back to work tomorrow.  Billie can't handle everything in the ofc by herself, so I have to be there.  Plus Scott told me on Friday that he's got some new stuff for me to do on Monday.  My weigh-in was 258.0 Friday morning, so up .4 of a lb. from last Friday.  I've been sitting in front of the computer for about 30 mins now trying to catch up on some blog reading.  I am just sooo far behind on all of you.  Forgive me.  I'm trying to get caught up little by little.  Take care everyone and I'll be back later in the week with an update, and hopefully with a less-clogged up head. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Don't Even Have A Title For This

So let me tell you what's going on with my Wednesday.  I went to lunch at 11:30am, and just got back, only to find out that our system has failed here at work...failed miserably.  Any work that I did from 8am-11:30am has disappeared into thin air.  Everything that was saved to the electronic file on our computer system has vanished...been wiped clean.  Every report...every new assignment...every attachment...GONE.

What does this mean?  It means I get to RE-DO every stitch of work I did this morning all over again....plus stay late enough to do whatever NEW work comes in from now until 5pm.  Oh the joy...I can hardly contain myself. 

What else this week?  Oh yes...Dwayne is sick as a dang dog with cold/cough/congestion in his chest, and he's been lying on my sofa for 3 days.  Yesterday I noticed that I'm catching it....it tastes funny when I cough...I'm physically exhausted when I shouldn't be, etc.  Big fun.

What's the near future looking like?  In 2 weeks, on March 1st, we implement the new computer system that our parent company uses....that should bring a lot of big headaches surprises.  Then 2 weeks later, in the middle of March, Billie goes on vacation FOR. A. WEEK.  Did I mention that Billie & I are the only ones who run the ofc now since Staci got canned?  And did I mention that I have no idea how to do Billie's job because I've had no time to learn it yet?  That's because I've been learning/doing Staci's job PLUS my job.  And I'm going to be left alone here to run the ofc by myself for an entire week.  Comical, really. 

What's after that???  Hmmmmm...let's see....Mid April we have our annual Atlanta Claims Convention where we host a suite with an open bar...that lasts Thurs and Friday.  Then 2 weeks after that, May 1st, we move into a new ofc building.  They have been in this current bldg for many, many years....so there's a LOT of packing and moving to do.  A LOT. 

So yeah...busy.  And I'm sucking at the weight loss this week, in that I haven't had any.  No gains either.  I got on the scale this morning, squinting my eyes, scared of a gain, and saw the same thing I saw last Friday...to the penny.  257.6 lbs.  So there you have it...my latest update.  I'll be back later when I have a little spare time ***(rolls eyes while laughing uncontrollably)***  Take care friends.  :)

Friday, February 11, 2011

It's A Start..

Last week I was 260 lbs.  This morning I'm 257.6 for a loss of 2.4 lbs. this week.  Feeling good...glad it's Friday...and looking forward to a fabulous weekend.  Hope all of you are too.  :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Catching My Breath

It's been a crazy couple of weeks to say the least, but I think I can finally see daylight again.  I've been working overtime, trying to learn my new job position, and me and Billie are now doing the work of 3 people.  It's been exhausting, maddening, insane interesting.

The good news is my boss is happy.  And that's putting it mildly.  I think his exact words were "I feel like I can't live without you".  How's that for a compliment?  To my credit, I've been working DAMN HARD for that compliment.  At least I feel like I have a teensy tiny bit of job security right now...for the moment...and that's a big deal in this economy.

I ate a carrot today.  How pathetic is that, lol....it's been so long since I've eaten a raw vegetable that it's now a notable fact.  Ok, I'm exaggerating a little, but the point is that I consciously ate something healthy for me, and avoided the convenience foods/fast foods that I've been stuffing my face with for the last 2 weeks.  I can't even explain what I mean when I tell you I've been in a DEAD. RUN. for the last little while.  Everything has been grab and go.  Official grocery shopping has been sparse and meal planning has been non-existent.  But this past weekend, I actually bought a big bag of carrots.  And some navel oranges and bananas.  Hey, it's a start. 

I'm trying to corral my focus back to the weight loss thing again.  Yes.  Again.  Who knows?  Maybe one day I'll actually lose some weight and keep it off.  So what if it's the 1000th time I've started over.  I'm still here....the blog's still open...and that's got to count for something.

When I finally get a grip on my schedule/time, I'll get back around to more frequent posting, and leaving comments on YOUR blogs.  I apologize for being absent...I still care about all of you....just been so consumed.  I'm still reporting my weight each week though.  This week I reported on a Thursday...I was up 3 lbs, so 259 lbs.  I imagine it will be around the same this week, I'll see when Friday gets here.  But I'm hoping to get some momentum going here in the next week and should see a drop soon.  Until next time...take care friends.  Big hugs to all of you.  :) 

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Movin' On Up

Up the scale, and up at work.  I got on the scale this morning and I'm up 3 lbs.  I've eaten every meal from a restaurant this week.  I warned in earlier posts that things were crazy here at work, and only going to get worse.  Well the boss fired Staci on Monday afternoon, and handed me her job on Tuesday, with a $2.50/hr raise.  Now...all I have to do is LEARN HER ENTIRE JOB.  I've been working overtime all week.  Yesterday I put in 13 hours...from 7a-8p.  Got here at 6:45am this morning.  Sleepy.  Need coffee.  Still have a plan to grow Errand Fairy on the side even as I progress at this job....more details on that when I'm actually awake.  Oh, and I noticed I lost a couple of followers this week.  Too bad I don't care about that or I'd expand more on the subject.  :)  Have a great day friends.  Things are rough now, but they're bound to get better.  More later....