From Fat to Fab

I Moved My Blog!

2012-01-24T19:52:00.000-05:00

Out with the old...in with the new! Come visit me! :)

http://fattofab-forty.blogspot.com/

Life is Crazy

2011-12-01T16:17:00.000-05:00

WOW!!! It's been FOREVER since I posted. I went part-time at work to have more time to do The Errand Fairy, my personal assistant business, and things have just been nuts! Let me just say that I have never known stress until I decided to start my own business. This has got to be the hardest things I have ever done. However, it almost the most rewarding thing I've ever done.

The hardest part is still having to work part-time at the insurance company, because that means relying on other people to do the fairy work that I can't get to. I'm one of those that would rather just do everything myself so I can make SURE everything is done correctly. Delegation is not my strong suit. But being tied to the other job makes doing it all myself impossible. I've lost 3 people in the last month that found full-time jobs. The demographic I'm looking for is really quite terrible, lol. I'd like them to be middle-aged, and if they have kids...I need them to be grown...oh and I need them to already have another source of income so they're not relying on my sporadic work to pay their bills, but yet, still have full-time availability for when I call them at a moment's notice. :) You can see how finding the right help and keeping them can make a person crazy. :)

I think the last time I posted I was 253.5. This morning I was 252 lbs. Nothing happening on the weight loss front, and now that I think about it, I'm actually kind of amazed that I'm not gaining with all the stress. Huh. Weird. Anyhoo.....that's what I've been up to lately. And I didn't even tell you about my one special client who is a walking migraine. We'll get to that later. Have a great week! :)

Busting Out!

2011-10-07T07:22:00.000-04:00

I'm very excited to tell you that I'm going part-time at my current job as of this coming Monday! I'll be working 1p-5p at the insurance adjusting company and will have the first half of the day to devote to Errand Fairy. I will now have time to do more hands-on advertising as well as some daytime work! Finally!! I have been working hard to get to this point and I'm finally here. Thank the Lord. My sweet friend Kim is going to sign up for service...I've got to go look at a job for her this weekend...very excited!! Things are finally looking up for Errand Fairy and I'm just so thankful. It's been a lot of work getting here but it's all been so worth it. I was BORN to be an entrepreneur...there's something so satisfying about being your own boss. Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend and will be back soon with another update! :)

Brittany

2011-09-20T07:55:00.000-04:00

I ordered some magnetic car signs for 5 of my little fairies to advertise and see if we can drum up some business for them. 3 of them are college students and 2 are in their early twenties. All 5 of them are friends and they're a great bunch to work with and I'm enjoying getting to know them. I met with 2 of the girls at the restaurant that Brittany is a waitress at this past Sunday for lunch to give them all their car signs.

Brittany waited on us and we got to converse a little bit. It was so nice. She's just an awesome kid. She goes to school full-time and she waitresses full-time, and on the little bit of time off she has, she's hoping to do some Errand Fairy work. This is only the second time I've seen her in person, but I continue to be amazed at her level of maturity for a 19 year old. She was raised well and I thank God for leading me to the parents that I chose for her. He took a really bad situation and turned it into something wonderful.

I'm having a garage sale in 2 weeks and Brittany wants to come and sell some of her stuff to make some extra money. I'll be so happy to have her there! I told her that her mom was also invited but I'm not sure if Becky is really ready to be around me yet. Maybe one day. I'm not pushing anything....just letting her know that the door is open. Some of my other fairies are bringing stuff to sell too so it should be an awesome day. I'm really looking forward to spending the day with my girls. :)

Twenty years ago I was such a young, foolish and absolutely terrified girl. My first thought when I found out I was pregnant was abortion. I did not want to own up to my resposibility in any way. I wanted to end the "situation" as soon as possible and pretend it never happened. Due to this happening around tax time, I had my refund check to pay for the abortion and I had an appointment made at a woman's clinic. My mom, my best friend Pam from high school, and my cousin Veronnica are the 3 wise and strong women who talked me out of it. They are the reason Brittany has the full and thriving life that she has today. Yes, the decision to adopt was ultimately mine, but it would be wrong to take the credit knowing my state of mind and overwhelming fear back then. I'm thankful to God for these women who bravely shared their thoughts with me and gently guided me down the right path. They saved Brittany's life, and for that, I am so thankful.

Someone Done Me Wrong

2011-09-18T10:25:00.000-04:00

Sounds like a sad country song, doesn't it? Well my story isn't quite that dramatic...just a little inconvenient. A couple of months ago I suspected that someone had sabotaged my blog because I kept having "issues" with it. Recently, blog readers and friends started emailing me privately saying that they keep trying to leave comments but they couldn't, and some said that it says I've blocked them.

Ahhhhh...I knew it. I wasn't exactly hacked because I gave 2 people my password in the past to help me do some things on my blog. One of them sabotaged me. Yes, I know exactly who it is. No, I'm not going to name them on here. That would serve no other purpose than to be vindictive on my part, and I really don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I haven't blocked anyone and I apologize to anyone who thinks I would have done something like that. I have a gmail addy listed on my right sidebar, but to tell you the truth, I haven't checked it regularly in a long time because I haven't been blogging regularly. I'm going to start checking it daily now. If you can't leave a comment and want to, just shoot me an email instead.

The only solution to the problem is to create a new blog and CHANGE MY PASSWORD. That will be happening soon, I just don't have time today. I worked 6 days this week and have to spend today doing all of my errands, laundry and cooking for the work week today. But I will get around to creating the new blog as soon as I can and when it's finished I'll announce it here so I can start hearing from all of you again.

Sorry for the inconvenience and hope everyone has a peaceful and relaxing Sunday. :)

TGIF!!!

2011-09-16T07:51:00.000-04:00

It's been a crazy week to say the least. Had a meeting with the big boss this week. Things just aren't what they used to be around here and I took all of my concerns to him. He asked how The Errand Fairy was going. I told him GREAT!! He said if I wanted to go part-time he was fine with that since we're so slow around here now. I told him for now I'd like to stay at 40 hrs/week since I seem to be handling both jobs just fine. He said that would work. I actually WOULD like to drop down to around 20 hrs/week just so I don't have to be here as much, but I know that's a little too risky right now, financially speaking. So I'm still here....at work, a.k.a. Hell...doing the responsible thing. Blech! lol

I haven't seen Brittany again since our mtg 2 weeks ago, but I've texted with her and talked on FB with her consistently. I invited her to haul a bunch of her stuff over to my house on Oct. 1st and have a garage sale with me to make some extra cash. She said she'd love to. I told her to bring her mom along, too. They're both invited.

Dwayne, Scarlette and I are skipping town next weekend and spending the weekend in the Smoky Mtns. That will be a nice little getaway. I could use the break.

Errand Fairy is going well! It's slow building it up like anything else worth doing, but I'm enjoying it. I have a couple of fairies that I use to do my daytime work and that's working out really well. I have an attorney who bought a monthly package of 20 hrs. She used those up in 2 days and bought 30 more hours, lol. Woo hoo! I also had a banker call this week who wants us to set up a surprise birthday party for his wife and have everything ready when they fly back in from Vegas. This really is a fun job! Well, most of the time. Had to clean out the attorney's garage and that wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs....but it paid well. :)

Haven't been on the scale in 2 solid weeks....realized that this morning and thought, hey...why not! The last time I weighed I was 254 and had been holding there for several weeks. I was bracing myself, trying to guess what it would be. Back up to 260 perhaps??? Stepped on and it said 253.5. Imagine that. Not caring diddly squat about my weight and only worrying about my work stress and building up the Errand Fairy and I lose 1/2 a lb. instead of gaining. Small miracles, I suppose.

Walking the Half Marathon in November is looking more and more bleak. I just haven't gotten it together the way I needed to. I've been trying to do my long walks on Saturdays, and I've gotten some of them in, but I've screwed up a lot, too. One Sat I forgot to wrap my toes before I headed out, and by the 3rd mile I could feel the blisters forming. I quit before it got really bad. Last Saturday I had to clean out the attorney's garage...that was an all day job. Tomorrow, I'm heading out early to go to my mom's and work at her house 8 hrs, then stay for dinner. Sundays are when I run all of my personal errands, grocery shopping, get ready for the work week, laundry, etc. I don't know...it's just not coming together. The furthest I've walked I think is 7 miles. That's a far cry from 13 that I need to be building up to. Kim keeps telling me we still have time but I'm not sure I'm gonna' make it. I've already paid for the hotel room in Savannah though, so even if I don't make it into the race, I'll still ride down with Kim and spend the weekend with her, either way.

It's time to start my work day so I'm signing off 'til next time. Hope everyone has a beautiful weekend! :)

Here's My Baby

2011-09-05T20:56:00.000-04:00

She has my eyes, but thank God, she doesn't have my figure.

She's gorgeous. :)

I'm Meeting Brittany Monday

2011-09-02T08:27:00.000-04:00

Wow. It looks like the time is finally here. And I am a basket case.

For some reason, and I have no idea why, I seem to keep acquiring new readers on this blog, despite my lack of posting, and despite my non-existent weight loss. I haven't talked about Brittany in quite a while, so for those of you who don't know, she is the daughter that I adopted out when I was a teenager. I've written a couple of posts about it, so if you want some back story, you can find them in the archives.

I've got tears streaming down my face as I type this, washing away my mascara and eyeliner, because this is so hard to talk about...to deal with.

If you've never adopted out a child, and then had the chance to one day finally meet them in person, then you probably can't understand the magnitude of emotions that are involved. Let me just say...this is a big deal.

Huge.

I talked to Brittany a couple of times through email when she was 16 because she wanted her mom Becky to find me...and she did. It wasn't hard...Becky knows a lot of my family members because they used to go to church together many years ago, and we live in the same state. But after a couple of emails her mom just couldn't handle it, so we ceased contact. When Brittany was nearly 18, I sent a friend request to her on Facebook to see if she wanted contact with me again. She did. We've been chatting all along thru FB msgs for nearly 2 years now. Brittany will turn 20 in November. Nothing big or major....just small talk, but always staying in touch.

About a year ago, Brittany asked me if I'd be willing to meet her in person. Of course I said yes, we would do it whenever she was ready, but she needed to discuss it with her mom first. Out of respect, I wanted to make sure that her mom was ok with it, even though Brittany was now an adult. Brittany felt the same way....out of respect for her mom, she wanted to tell her first. But she couldn't seem to do it. Months went on and she just couldn't find a "good" or "easy" way to break it to her. She didn't want to hurt her. I love that kid for that.

So I never pressed her. I knew the day would eventually come when she was ready and we would meet. Well it looks like the time is here, and it's funny how it all came about. Life is so interesting...

I have been working day and night on promoting the Errand Fairy and trying to recruit people to do my daytime work for me while I'm at my current job. I got my very first call this Monday, and had to turn down the job because I didn't have any daytime help....that was a terrible feeling. So I posted a little blurb on FB that I was looking for daytime help in the Roswell/Alpharetta area (where I live and have been advertising), and within 2 days, I have now acquired 10 people that want to be daytime fairies! The problem is, every single one of them live in Cumming/Dawsonville, which is just about too far north of me to really be effective.

After I acquired all this help too far north of me, I decided that I should probably go where the help is. So I'm looking into taking an ad out in the local paper up there. It's really hard because my budget to pay for advertising in papers is so tight....almost non-existent, really. I've been relying heavily on handing out business cards, leaving them at businesses, and driving around 24/7 with 2 magnet car signs on my car doors. I paid $95 for a small ad that came out in a local Roswell paper yesterday, but I think now I need to scrape up some more cash to place an ad in a Cumming paper.

So anyhoo, Brittany contacted me saying she wanted to run some errands a couple days a week. (Jaw on the floor moment). She wants to work for me??? And I haven't even met her yet?? Now we're going to have to meet! Like....this wknd!! Oh. My. Word.

I talked to her on FB last night and it was decided that we would meet at a bbq restaurant for dinner Monday night at 7pm. She told me from the very beginning that whenever we did our first meeting, she wanted her boyfriend Tyler and her best friend Brittni to be there with her. I'm guessing for moral support. I told her I was fine with that, and asked Dwayne to come with me. He said yes...thank God.

So here we are. It's finally time. The crazy part is that as soon as plans were finalized last night, I went into freak out mode, and that kind of disappoints me. She and I have talked so easily for almost 2 years now, and I'm totally cool with her doing some work for me....excited even....so why am I in such meltdown mode right now? I went to bed last night and just could not shut off my brian. I think I may have gotten 2 hours of sleep. I don't want our first meeting to be some huge, over-dramatized thing like you see on TV. I want it to be casual and comfortable, and I want to be moderately in control of my emotions. I'm just afraid that when I see her face and give her that first hug, that I'm going to fall apart all over her. I don't want it to be like that and make everyone uncomfortable, especially Brittany. And I'm sure Dwayne would want to crawl in a hole and hide, lol. He's not good with the emotional stuff....at all. lol

Everything is so real and so raw and so right on the surface right now. I remember her birth like it was YESTERDAY. Every detail. Every emotion. Every tear. Gut-wrenching. Heart-wrenching. The hardest thing I will ever do in my life. When something that you've waited on for 20 years finally comes to fruition, the emotions are overwhelming.

So this is where I am today. Happy. Scared. Crying. Excited. Nervous. Relieved. Stressed. All sorts of things going on in my head and in my heart. So if you're the praying type, I could sure use some today. Thanks, friends. :)

It Finally Happened!

2011-08-18T21:45:00.000-04:00

I decided to just start putting my signs on my car when I go to work, and not just on the weekends. I may get fired for this eventually when I get caught, but let me tell you why I think it's worth the risk. Yesterday I went to lunch and was sitting at a red light when I heard the lady next to me honking her horn. I looked over and she was telling me to roll down my window. O.M.G. This is it!! Someone saw my sign and was fixing to ask me about it!!! I rolled down the window and she asked what was my hourly rate. I told her $25/hr and she said she's "time challenged" and said something about rental houses that I didn't quite catch. The light turned green and I told her I'd follow her. We pulled over and jumped out fast...I could tell she was in a hurry....and she asked for my business card. I already had one in my hand, gave it to her with a big smile and thank you, and she said she would call me as she ran back to her car. What a rush!!!

I was so excited and scared and freaking out....my very first contact with the new business....my hands were shaking for like 2 hours after it happened. I went back to work and could NOT concentrate on what I was doing. There's no telling how many wrong reports I sent out yesterday! I kept praying that it wasn't going to be daytime work...since I have a FULL TIME JOB and didn't want my very first customer to be one I had to turn away!! I called some friends and asked if they knew ANYONE that lived in my area that might be interested in doing some EF work during the day. That was a total bust...I don't have anyone right now!

Here's the non-exciting part. The lady hasn't called......yet. She still could!! And even if she doesn't, there will be others!! I do think I will get bigger car signs though. Everyone I know that has seen them has told me they're WAY too small....that they can ONLY be seen and read at red lights, but when I'm driving down the road, all you can see is a little pink blur that is my logo. You can't really read the phone # well enough to jot it down. So I'm budgeting to buy bigger signs. I still have a business card-size ad coming out in a local paper on Sept. 1st. I'm anxious to see if that will generate any phone calls. As you already know, I set up a FB page for Errand Fairy, and I've been posting a Craig's List ad every day.

I called and talked to Michelle yesterday evening. She's the girl in Charleston, SC that I modeled my business after. She said almost all of her calls for work come from her Craig's List ad, so that's moved to the top of the priority list with the advertising. Dwayne and I went out to dinner a couple of nights ago and were strolling past some store windows, and I saw a little consignment shop that had a table by the front door with different stacks of business cards on them. The shop was closed so I couldn't go in and talk to the owner....but I'm planning on dropping by this Sat to leave some cards and introduce myself to the owner. I'm going to drive around town and try to find other little places I can leave cards. I did this a few months ago actually, and was surprised at how many people told me NO!

I hit several nail salons, figuring that would be an EXCELLENT place to find some clientele, but not a single salon would let me leave cards. I went to several pet stores....since I offer pet services such as dog sitting, etc.....and none of them would let me leave cards or a flyer on their bulletin board either. They said they couldn't recommend any one business....they were only allowed to put Lost/Found dog ads and community pet events on their bulletin boards. Dropping off cards is not as easy as one might think!! lol

My friend Cherie suggested leaving cards at Panera Bread and Starbucks. I'm not sure if they'll let me do that, but I'm going to go in each one in Roswell and look around and see. I guess each franchise might be different too, depending on what the manager will allow, so we'll see. It's worth a shot!!

I've got to meet up with my sweet friend Kim on Saturday morning at 8am to get our long walk in, working towards the Half Marathon in November. We're scheduled to walk 6 mi this time, and next week it will be 7 mi, and so on. I got on the scale this morning and it says the same dang thing as last week....254 lbs. I'm still stress eating and I know it, so I can't say I was shocked. If anything, I was surprised I didn't GAIN this week. I've been eating up all the produce I bought at the Farmer's Market last weekend, but I'm still eating crap, too. I'm just eating too much...period. Makes me wonder if I'll ever get a grip or if I'll be trying to walk 13 miles while weighing 254 lbs in November!!!!! Gah!!

Thanks to everyone who supported me by "liking" my Errand Fairy FB page...you guys are awesome, and I really appreciate you helping me get this off the ground. You know, I really only need to work 20 hrs/week at EF to make the same thing I'm making at the full time job that I hate right now. Once the ball gets rolling, and word of mouth spreads, hopefully it won't be too long before I can make EF my only source of income. What a day that will be!! 'Nite friends!! :)

Like Me Please

2011-08-16T22:57:00.001-04:00

LOL.....what a ridiculous title!! No, I don't have a complex....I need your help on Facebook.

I created a Facebook page tonight for Errand Fairy with the help of my childhood friend Cherie. She is AWESOME...thanks Cherie!! :)

I'm handicapped when it comes to knowing my way around FB, so Cherie's helping me as another way of advertising my new business. She said I need to get people to "like" my Errand Fairy page. I'm guessing you can find it in a search, or link to it from my regular page....Tammy Ortagus in the search box should get you there. I posted a link last night that should take you from my personal FB page to my Errand Fairy page. There are 2 other Errand Fairies that I know of on FB...one in California and one in Minnesota I think. Mine is in Roswell, GA.

Help a girl out! lol

I'd sure appreciate it. :)

Should I Jump?

2011-08-14T17:15:00.000-04:00

I feel like talking today...but first things first. I've got some more food pics:

I went to Publix and picked up some more produce since the only fruit I found at the Farmer's Market were some peaches. Terrible peaches, by the way. Hard as a ROCK.

Mushrooms

carrots

red grapes

Fuji apples

honeydew

bannas

nectarines

plums

pluots

No idea what a pluot is but it looked like a plum so I bought it.

I tried a peach first, that I got at the Farmer's Market:

I peeled it and took a few little bites out of it....hard as a rock. Terrible. And I have 6 more of these in my fruit bowl now....

Since that didn't work, I tried a pluot:

Eh. Nothing exciting. Same texture as a plum, but very little taste. Not sweet, not sour...just....there. lol

One of Dwayne's buddies came over last night and brought some shrimp with him to steam.

Here's Mark

He steamed the shrimp using water, beer, chopped onion, Old Bay seasoning and cajun seasoning.

Delish!

That was for starters.

I made some mac and cheese for the guys and roasted some corn on the cob in the oven.

Dwayne grilled some boneless skinless chicken thighs and my veggie kabobs with mushrooms, onion, bell pepper and tomatoes.

This was my dinner plate. I shared with Scarlette of course because Momma always shares with the baby.

I went to the Greenway in Roswell yesterday and actually walked 5 MILES w/o dying!!! I felt like dying....my butt, legs, feet, ankles, toes (I have blisters now)...all hurt like hell. But I got it done. And each week it increases. Next Sat I'm suppoed to hit the Greenway again...this time with my friend Kim...and we're doing 6 miles. Lord, help us.

Ok. Let's get to the serious stuff. I shared in a post a few days ago that, while thankful that I have a job and know that ANYTHING is better than unemployment.....I am absolutely miserable there. I held back on the details on why I'm miserable because I think my supervisor Billie still reads my blog sometimes.

Well, I'm over it. I don't care who's reading. She and I had several discussions over the course of the day last Friday at work. We were the only ones there that day, which was quite nice. She talked to me about her fear that she thinks they're getting ready to fire her. Well....a better phrase would be "abolish the Ofc Mgr position". I don't think it's really personal towards her, or anything she did wrong necessarily....but just as a way to cut down costs. A couple of months ago we moved to a system online, where our parent company in FL can access all of our work. The way they put it is, if we get into a bad storm season and get overloaded, they can help from FL. We were working at least 80 hrs/wk at the time, so it all sounded gread. What they can ALSO do from FL is YOUR JOB. So that YOU are no longer needed.

As Ofc Mgr, Billie was responsible for payroll, 401K, deposits, accounts payable, etc. They took all of it away, little by little. She now basically has one function left, and that is to assign claims out to our adjusters. Things aren't looking good for her. At all.

So after all this discussion about her possibly getting canned, I felt comfortable enough telling her that I'm trying to get Errand Fairy up and running as fast as I can in case they fire ME, too. She also knows it's because I'm fed up with that place.

So here's what happened. A couple of months ago, Randall and I got into a throwdown at the ofc. He is our QA manager. I was warned about him from Day One when I started there last June. Billie and Staci hated him. Said he would throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. He BCC's Scott on all of his emails to you if he has a problem with you. Blind copies the boss every time, so you'll get in trouble. On the smallest, tiniest thing. Trying to make something out of nothing and make himself feel superior. He makes mistake after mistake....throws some kind of excuse at you to smooth it over, and somehow has a SERIOUS God complex. He thinks he's perfect and all of the ofc staff are morons. Yet, he makes 3x the mistakes I do.

He's pretty much unbearable, however, I have put up with him for over a year now...which is saying a lot for me. I've never been one to handle too much bullshit without opening my mouth. I do not deal well with liars. I'm not good at sweeping things under the rug or smoothing things over. I don't like sneaky little deceptive acts like BCC'ing on emails. I'd rather you come tell me to my face and let's solve it right there. Not sneak around and see how much trouble you can get me in, and especially when you KNOW your quality of work is so much worse than mine.

So one day a couple of months ago Randall pulled one of his B.S. moves and something in me snapped. Hard. I went to his ofc, confronted him in a not-so-nice tone/way, and he lost it. He jumped up from his desk, threw his hands in the air, started yelling at me, and drug me into an ofc with Billie so we could all "talk about it". A face-to-face screaming match ensued. I don't have a short fuse....as I said, I put up with his daily crap for over a year....but once I'm at my limit, that's it. I don't have a short temper....but I do have a very nasty one when I've reached the end of my rope.

Turns out Randall has a temper even nastier than mine. He wanted me gone...fired...for challenging his authority. I wanted to put my fist right through his face. The argument ended with both of us red-faced and shaking and him telling me he was calling Scott to have me fired. I said, "You go right ahead...knock yourself out".

I went back to my desk and texted Scott to tell him what happened. He was out of the ofc that day. I told him Randall wanted me gone so I was leaving. I was scheduled to work 8a-12p that day. It was the day before we moved to Roswell. I also told Scott that he could text me over the wknd and let me know if I still had a job or if I was being replaced w/ someone Randall liked better.

We all had a meeting the following week and it was decided that I still had a job. Scott thinks I do an excellent job, he said the clients love me and said if he didn't want me there, I would have been gone a long time ago. He said he knew that Randall was hard to work with but his only concern was that we dont' let things get out of hand again in case a client walks in the door. He said I should have called him and let him deal with Randall instead.

Ok fine. So I still have a job. Randall and I did the polite office thing and "made up" for the sake of being civil and working together in the ofc, although we both know we can't stand each other. Billie and Staci never challenged him....they just put up with it. Randall doesn't like to be challenged when he's treating people like shit. He just wants them to take it.

That is SO not me. Never has been...never will be...and he's damn lucky I made it as many months as I did before I told him where he could stick it.

Now.....that's the back story. Prior to the blowout with Randall...Scott had nothing but praise for me. Clients would come in the office, or people from our ofc in FL, and when I'd introduce myself they'd say, "Oh YOU'RE Tammy.....Scott has said so much about you. He really likes you a LOT. He calls you his right-hand girl. Says you take care of him....you're just completely awesome. It's so good to finally meet you!!" I can't tell you how many times I've heard that.

Since I took over Staci's position....he has had nothing bad to say to me. No complains from the clients. No wrong reports going out. My work was excellent...blah blah.

AFTER the Randall thing....everything changed. Completely. And I don't know why. I don't know what me and Randall having that fight has to do with my work. He now has Billie checking my work. He tells her to check my sent email after I leave for the day to see how many reports I got done and sent out. He had her go back through my work looking for mistakes. She had to go all the way back to May to find one mistake. This is August...she finally found one in May.

I am under the microscope like you wouldn't believe. Billie told me I'm being monitored online through our new system from FL. now. That's why she mentioned the Facebook thing a week or two ago. I used to sign in to FB every morning when I got to work....we all do. I'd jump over and check it every couple of hours. Well what used to be fine for everyone is now a big fat No No for me. Every little thing I do in the ofc now is being scrutinized. I'm being asked about something DAILY now....where before the Randall thing, I was left to myself. Every time someone walks up to my desk, my heart jumps up in my throat because I'm scared they found another mistake from a few months ago or something.

What's weird is I haven't been written up for anything. I'm just being watched. I don't think he wants to fire me because he asked me the other day if I felt like I could take on another function. ??? Either you want me there or you don't....make up your mind.

Anyhoo...all of this has led to very high stress levels. I've gotten to where I almost can't stand to go in the ofc because I don't know what's going to happen, or what I'm going to be asked about. I wake up every Sunday now with a feeling of dread because I know I have to go to work the next morning. My Sundays are pretty much ruined now. It causes a lot of stomach pain...makes me wonder if I'm developing an ulcer from all of this. Monday morning I wake up and cry and have to MAKE myself get out of bed and get ready for work. Usually by lunchtime at 11:00am I'm making a mad dash for my car so I can cry where nobody can see me.

I am absolutely desperate to get The Errand Fairy up and going. I want out of that job so bad I can't stand it. I want to work for myself. I'm a hard worker and KNOW I can make this work....I know I can be very successful at it. One little problem is I don't have very much money at all for advertising. I paid $34 for 2 magnetic car signs that I put on my car when I'm out running errands on the weekend. I do not put them on my car when I go to work though...that feels too risky. As much as I want out of that hell hole, I can't financially afford to be fired just yet.

I also bought a ballcap and a tote bag with the Errand Fairy logo on it that I use on the weekends. A few days ago I paid $95 to take a business card size ad out in a free local paper that comes in my mailbox once a month. They claim to reach 250,000 readers. The paper with my ad in it will come out Sept. 1st. It's out for a month, so I figured $25/wk was a doable investment to see if it gets me any calls. So far, no calls from the magnetic signs, but I'm not getting much exposure by only using them on the weekends.

While I was at the Farmer's Market yesterday, I handed a few of my cards to one of the vendors that I bought a tote bag from. I told them about my business and we had a nice little chat. Most of the vendors there are farmers though, lol...hello!! Farmer's Market!! I don't think they'd have much use for an errand fairy.

I talked to my cousin Brian about any advertising ideas he might have, and he said he would create a Facebook page for me...specifically for The Erand Fairy. I'm not sure how you direct traffic to it though...hopefully he'll help me figure that out after he gets the page up. He also mentioned Craig's List....which means a new ad would have to be uploaded daily, because the ads roll down as each new person posts something. I'm not sure how effective Craig's List would be for my service, but I'm willing to try anything.

About the title of this post....Should I Jump? Well, I know a girl who lives in Charleston, SC who has an errand service. She's the one I got the idea from to create my own. She's given me all kinds of tips and stuff on how to work the business once I get it going. She knows I have a full-time job doing the insurance adjusting thing and have to advertise the Errand Fairy around that. She pretty much thinks I should take a leap of faith, quit my job, and throw myself into promoting the Errand Fairy. She literally thinks if I drive around each day with the signs on my car and pass buisness cards out to every person I see in a day, that the business will take off like a rocket. She said fear is stopping me and I should get rid of that fear and just jump in and do it.

She's damn right that fear is stopping me. Quit my job?? The one that currently pays my bills?? I told her I'd have to make $1800 in my very first month to cover all of my bills. Her response to that is that she made $1600 her first month, and if she can do it...I can do it. Oh by the way...she has a 2 year old little girl and is a single mom, and said she only works half a day. So she's covering her bills only working 4 hours a day, and devotes the other half to her daughter.

I know I could throw myself into it whole-heartedly and go into all kinds of stores and talk to people and hand out cards, and spend 4-5 hours ~~burning gas~~ driving around with the car signs and getting all kinds of exposure each day...but where's the guarantee? Dwayne would absolutely kill me if I quit my job with no assurance of another income to pay my half of the bills. In fact, when Randall and I had that fight, he was sure I got myself fired and he was really cold towards me. Little snide comments and off-handed remarks because he thought I let my temper leave him with all of the bills to pay. As much as he loves the idea of The Errand Fairy and is supportive of me doing that as a living...he would NOT be on board with me quitting my job to give my full attention to it.

So....what do you think? Should I jump? Am I letting fear hold me back? As it stands now, I'm only available to do Errand Fairy work after 5:30p on a weekday and on the weekends. If people wants stuff done during the day (while THEY are at work)....I'm stuck. I am completely unavailabe from 7a-5p, which makes it really hard to build up the business well enough to make enough money to quit my job. I'm feeling rather stuck and very conflicted. I would really value the opinion of all of you reading.....IF you're still reading. This is a ridiculously long post!!!

So tell me....should I continue to do the responsible thing and keep my job....or throw everything I've got into the Errand Fairy? And while you're at it...any other advertising ideas?

I need your help. Thanks. :)

Food and Farmer's Market

2011-08-13T09:34:00.000-04:00

I stayed the same weight this week....254 lbs. So there's that.

I've got a couple of more food pics to show you....some baked cod and some italian chicken sausages...

I got online last night lookiing for a local Farmer's Market here in Roswell. Lo and behold, I found one! They have it at City Hall every Sat morn through Sept. from 8a-12p. I showed up bright and early this morning and made a few selections:

peahces

yellow squaqsh

zuchinni

bell peppers

yellow pepper

vidalia onions

corn

cucumbers

tomatoes

lemon cucumber

I spent $16!

I will go to Publix sometime over the weekend and get some more fruit. They were pretty skimpy on the fruit this morning.

I gotta' run for now....meeting my cousin Jennifer to do my long walk for the week....5 miles today. That's gonna' hurt..lol. There's a place called The Greenway in my area that I just found out about. There are supposed to be wooded trails and such along the walking path....and it's 13 miles long!! I have found my new training spot for the Half Marathon...perfect! I'll post again soon....I hope you all have a produce-filled weekend. :)

T.G.I.F. Baby!!

2011-08-12T05:56:00.000-04:00

So glad the weekend is almost here! It's a quarter til 6a and I've got to get to work but going to post a couple of food pics real quick from dinner the other night...

Dwayne grilled some N.Y. strips

I cut off half of one and ate it with sliced tomatoes, and scrambled egg beaters w/ sauteed portabella mushrooms and onions. I cannot even tell you how delish this was. My attempt right now is to try to eat lower carb due to having to go back on diabetes medicines. So it's heavier on the protein for a while.

Dessert was a low carb ice cream bar....damn tasty. :)

That's it for now....time to hit the Atlanta traffic! Have a great day everyone and I'll post more food pics this weekend. See ya! :)

Quick Update

2011-08-11T06:35:00.001-04:00

This is for you Janell. :) I just started taking food pics again at dinner last night but Blogger was down. It said it would go down at 5pm and be down for about an hour. Well, at 9:30p last night it was STILL down, so I gave up and went to bed. I'm at work now so have to keep this short but will post them tonight. Also, didn't remember to bring my camera with me so it looks like you may only be getting dinner pics for now. It's a start. Hope everyone has a fabulous Thursday....2 days til the weekend and I can hardly wait! :)

Oh! Mandy! I got your comment on my last post and went to check out your blog. I love it but can't find a place to comment. I tried to send an email, but when I hit "submit", nothing happened. Let me know how I can contact you...thanks! :)

Food Pics Again

2011-08-08T23:47:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking about posting some of my food pics again like I used to do. You know, back when I was actually doing WELL with the accountability and LOSING WEIGHT. Kelly at Happy Texans does it, she eats low carb, and I really enjoy reading her blog every day. The pics give me new ideas, or refresh my mind on things/tips that have been forgotten or pushed aside since I jumped off the healthy wagon last December. I probably won't post all of them simply because, for me, it bores me to death. But it did serve the purpose of accountability. Now what did I do with my camera......

Still On Track

2011-08-07T15:10:00.000-04:00

Don't have much time to post today....just super busy. Just typing a quick note to say that I'm down another 2 lbs. this week to 254 lbs. Makes me smile. :) Job is still rough. I got a free local newspaper in the mailbox yesterday and just finished sending an email to the sales guy inquiring on how much it is to purchase one of their smallest ads in their paper. It's about the size of a business card. Doing my best to find more advertising for The Errand Fairy as I can afford it. I REALLY want to be self-employed. Hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend. It's ridiculously hot here.....so stay cool everyone! :)

Another Pound Down

2011-07-30T22:36:00.000-04:00

Just when I was making a real effort to blog more regularly and get back in the groove, I got busted at work for using the internet at work for non-work related things (blogging, facebook, etc.). They cut me off....lol. My supervisor said, "Corporate office is monitoring everything we do now that we've moved to the shared system with them. You were on Facebook all day Friday." My response to that was, "I'm on Facebook all day every day." Note to self....honesty is not always the best policy, lol. So much for full disclosure. lol I'm only laughing because somehow, miraculously, I still have a job. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's the absolute truth....it would almost be a RELIEF if they fired me. I haven't forgotten the pain of unemployment from just over a year ago before I got this job.....but man. If you only knew the STRESS LEVEL and BULLSH*T that goes along with working in a VERY small office where EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING about EVERYBODY. I am just DYING to spill it all here but I just can't. The truth is that I do still need my paycheck, and my supervisor reads my blog sometimes, along with her daughter who does temp work at the office sometimes. Hi Billie and Kandice!!!!! lol Billie understands the crap that goes on around there very well, and says all the time she wishes she had another job, but is tied to this one due to circumstance (she's the Ofc Mgr). However, as my boss' right hand person, she's kinda' required to tell him all things office-related, so I can't share any details about my misery. Which leads me to this....

I've been budgeting a little extra money to do a little more advertising for Errand Fairy now that we're out of the major storm season. No overtime at work to speak of, so more time to get my head wrapped around how I'm going to promote Errand Fairy and do what I REALLY want to do....be my own boss. Trust me. Some people were just meant to work for themselves.

I had to buy new business cards because I changed my phone number. I also bought a white cap to wear while I'm out and about on the weekends that has my Errand Fairy logo on it...which is on my sidebar! I wore it out today when I had lunch with Kim....it's adorable. I bought a small tote bag with my logo on it....have to figure out when I'm going to carry that around...obviously can't take it to work. And finally I bought 2 magnetic car signs to put on my little Corolla!! I have to wash my car tomorrow so I can put them on. The instructions that came with them said to make sure you take the magnets off every 2 to 3 days and wash the car door under them so they don't fall off. Good to know!

Kim gave me a training schedule last weekend for walking and getting ready for the Half Marathon in November. It has you walking 3 miles every other weekday with some kind of cross training on the opposite days. I've been using Dwayne's weight bench/free weights for that. Then on Saturday you do your "big" walk. Today was my first big one, and it was 4 miles. It goes up every Saturday until you're finally walking 13 miles before you even get to the official race day. God help me. lol. You know, I'm only walking this, not running, but Stephen Vinson at "Who Ate My Blog" has started running and I see his FB status every day. I saw something on there where he said he pretty much runs at one speed...DON'T DIE! lol That sums up how I'm feeling about walking this Half. Even though I've been following the schedule this week, the reality of actually being able to do this in November seems so far away. I've been praying, Lord just let me finish....I don't care about my time, just let me make it across that finish line even it takes 6 hours and everybody's already gone home, lol. I am glad I committed to it though. It has served the one purpose I had for signing up and that is just to get back in the groove of actually caring about what I'm eating, and getting some movement in again.

The weight is coming off very slow. I definitely still have a problem with stress eating (AT WORK!!!). But my weight is no longer going up, and I'm no longer maintaining. I lost a lb. week before last, and I lost 1 more lb. this week. These numbers would increase if I'd get more disciplined and dedicated obviously, but I'm not there yet. I would say about 3 days a week I end up crying in my car at lunch time all due to work stress and my boss. I've been eating to stuff those feelings, even though I know every reason in the world not to. It doesn't solve anything, the stress relief is very temporary, you feel so guilty afterwards, you hate yourself for doing it, you flat out know better, etc. I know stress will always be in my life in some shape or form. If I actually get Errand Fairy rolling, that will be a whole new set of stress!! I like to think of it as positive instead of the negative I'm drowning in right now, but either way, I need to teach myself how to deal in other ways. I have all the knowledge on what you're SUPPOSED to do...I need to apply it.

Well I guess that's all for now. Since I can't blog at work anymore due to the internet Nazi's I will make more of an effort to do it in the evenings when I get home from work, after I get on the treadmill, cook dinner and eat, and bitch to Dwayne about how bad my work life sucks. :) Hope everyone is having a restful and relaxing weekend! :)

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

2011-07-22T06:40:00.000-04:00

One bite at a time.

How do you lose a daunting amount of weight?

One pound at a time will get you there.

No big plans. No hosting challenges. No sprint to a deadline.

Just trying to make better choices each day that comes along.

I lost 1 lb. this week. I'm at 257. It makes me smile. :)

Have a fabulous weekend friends.

Ready For The Weekend

2011-07-21T13:45:00.000-04:00

Ohhhh it's almost Friday and I cannot WAIT! I'm tired. I'm stressed. It's been a rough week. Dinners have gotten all screwed up this week....that irritates me. I have to do better in the face of stress and unexpected things. Dwayne had a blowout with our landlord Tuesday night, which rolled over into yesterday. When Dwayne's not happy, I'm not happy. I got home at 4:30p yesterday, listened to Dwayne vent about how much money we've spent to fix up this rental house and how his "friend" (our landlord) would never pay him back for any of it, yet continuously asks Dwayne to do favors for him. I heard all about the guys laziness, and how disgusted Dwayne was that the guy and his wife knew for months they were moving, yet left a housefull of crap for us to haul to the dump. We spent an entire month getting the house cleaned out, painted, etc. before we moved in it. We've spent even more money since we've moved in to get it decent. He's harboring a serious grudge, the anger has been building, and I had no idea. Well I got an earfull last night. He never wants to deal with his "friend" again.....yet he's our landlord for the next 3 years. Yeah. Can we say awkward? I was upset. Felt stupid for not knowing Dwayne was so upset and begrudgingly spending the money to fix the place up. Just bad feelings all the way around. I went to bed at 5:15p. I woke up at 7:30p starving with no plan for dinner. I had thawed out some lean ground beef for Dwayne to make burgers on the grill, but it was raining, and both of us had forgotten to pick up buns at the store anyway. So I went into the kitchen and found that Dwayne had whipped up some Hamburger Helper. No idea how long we'd had that box. Probably one of the most unhealthy things you can eat. But of course I ate it. First of all, I never complain when Dwayne takes the initiative to cook. Number two - I was in a crappy mood and didn't care about what I was eating. Blah. Whatever. I have to work OT tonight, so Dwayne's on his own with dinner and so am I. As of right now, I have no idea what I'm having. I didn't thaw anything, just rushed out the door at 5:30am this morning knowing I had a 13-14 hour day ahead of me. I'm buried in work right now, but needed to take a couple of minutes to post. I'm trying to get back in the habit of posting more regularly. It helps to keep me focused, even when some of the days are bad. Hope everyone else is having a great week. Things should improve on my end by the weekend. Things are always less stressful on the weekend. Let's talk later. :)

Monday Already???

2011-07-18T06:55:00.000-04:00

Wow my weekends fly by soooo fast. In my personal opinon, 10 days vacation at work is not enough to spread out over a whole year. Sucks that you can't just take a day off whenever you want to stay at home and work in your flower bed or cook up a bunch of healthy food for the week. I always have grand plans on the weekend and I always overschedule. I can't ever fit it all in. Blah.

I've been wanting to stain our deck for weeks now, and every Sat and Sun morning the deck is soaked from where it's rained the night before. Good ol' summertime in the South....rains every day. It's usually only for 5 mins...just a passing shower, and just long enough to get everything soaking wet. Grrrrr.

Well last night about 6pm I decided it was a good time to start on the deck. I moved the table and chairs to one end and just started staining. I got about 75% of it done. My PLAN is to finish rolling the boards next weekend, and hopefully Dwayne can start on spraying the rails and spindels.

I also managed to get all the weeds pulled out of my flower bed this wknd, but wasn't able to plant the new flowers I bought and put some weed killer down on the weeds and get it mulched. I really just wanted to take the day off today and FINISH that stupid flower bed, but alas, I'm way too responsible to do something like that. Due to our Myrtle Beach trip this past spring, and our move to the new house at the end of June, I now only have 2 days off left for the rest of the year! Boo! lol

Ok I'll quit my bitching, lol. I really am doing pretty good...except I hate my job, lol. Is it possible to hate your job and still be extremely thankful that you have one? Why, yes it is possible! I feel that way every day! :) What I really want to do is get Errand Fairy off the ground. Now that I have a better-looking car (my 19 year old Honda Accord died a week ago), I'm able to buy a magnetic sign or two and put on my car to help advertise. There's also a temp girl that works here and there for us when we get too busy, and she's available to do some daytime errands while I'm at work, so I won't have to turn down all calls for errands done during the day. Yay! Very excited about that! Tina is going to update my website today with my new phone #, and I have to order business cards again with my new address and phone #, but things are starting to move along where the Errand Fairy is concerned. Thank the Lord! I really, REALLY want to work for myself. There's a word for people like me who don't deal super well with authority and think that the way everyone else does it in the office is stupid.....and that word is "entrepreneur". LOL

Oh!! Dwayne and I both got on the treadmill this weekend. I have one word for that experience. Ow. It says it's on 0 incline, but it feels like there IS an incline even when it says 0, so it feels like you're constantly walking up a slight hill, which I suppose is good for the quads and hamstrings, but boy do they hurt right now! It's all good, I'll get used to it soon enough....just have to get on that thing every day, consistently, and build up. November isn't too far away!

Dwayne and I went grocery shopping together and spent $187!!!! That's a ridiculous amount for 2 people, I know, but I bought every healthy thing I could think of. We're grilling out almost every night now, I've got tons of veggies, and lots of fruit, etc. Trying to eat better takes real effort on my part, and I'm working on it.

Well that's it for the weekend update....hope all of you had a good one. Now it's time to muddle through this Monday so we can say, "Only 4 days left til the weekend!!!" :)

Treadmill Purchased!

2011-07-15T07:25:00.000-04:00

Woo Hoo! Finally! After scouring Craig's List for nearly 2 months, we finally ended up with a treadmill yesterday. Mom put the word out to her friends and she found one for me yesterday. I think she said it was originally $1200 or so and we got it for $300! Stayed within budget and still ended up with a heavy duty treadmill...I am so, so pleased. Mom is an angel. Not only did she locate it, but she went and "test drove" it while I was at work, paid for it, went back and picked it up last night, and drove over an hour to my house to deliver it to us. She is AWESOME!

Dwayne and I are very happy with the purchase...thoroughly. He got on it last night after mom left and did a little jogging. When he got off he said, "This thing works really well...this is going to suck". lol Poor thing isn't used to any exercise of any kind unless it's lifting the remote while lounging on the Lazyboy sectional. He also has a weight bench that his buddy left for him when he moved out of the house. He set that up last night right next to the treadmill so we can both be working out at the same time....one with weights and one walking. He may not be totally on board with the health eating yet, but I'm glad he's at least willing to get in some exercise with me.

I'm so proud of myself for signing up for that Half Marathon in November. The whole purpose of that was to FORCE myself to get back in the groove of trying to get healthier and it worked like a charm. I know exactly how many months I have to get ready for it and am acutely aware of that deadline every day.

Tonight after work will be my first official workout on the elliptical. I'm just going to get on and walk until I can't walk anymore. The plan is to push myself a little further each week. The eating is getting better. We grilled out for dinner 4 nights this week, and planning on grilling up a bunch of chicken/veggies on Sunday to have for lunches and dinners thru next week. Things are looking up....trying to get this train back on track.

Busy weekend ahead...staining the deck, putting up a gazebo, weeding and mulching my front flower bed, grocery shopping, Wal-mart shopping, taking my baby to her grooming appt. on Sunday, and the list goes on. Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend, too! :)

Scared Straight

2011-07-12T09:41:00.000-04:00

Hey! It's been FOR-E-VER since I posted....just busy with the new rental house and STILL looking on Craig's List for a treadmill. We're having a problem finding one within our $300 budget, but I told Dwayne we're buying one this Friday when we get paid, even if it's a piece of crap. I STILL have the same heat rash I developed in Myrtle Beach nearly 3 months ago. I finally went to the doctor and got an Rx for a $35 cream to put on it, and I put pure cornstarch on top of the cream. What a pain in the you know what....and $35 for a little tube of cream???? Dang!

Speaking of the dr, things are VERY bad. My blood pressure was 110/80, which he said is excellent. And my weight was 258 lbs, which is down 2 lbs from the last time I posted on here. But my diabetes #'s and triglycerides are terrible, and by gaining this weight back, I've landed myself back on meds. 2 for the diabetes and 1 for the triglycerides. My thyroid is also a little out of whack again, which makes no sense to me because I take that medicine religiously every single morning an hour before I eat anything. Anyhoo....I'm in trouble. It was unsettling to hear I had to go back on the meds. I cried. A lot. The disappointment in myself is pretty much overwhelming, but I deserve it. I knew I could keep it under control with weight loss and exercise, and I just didn't. Plain and simple. So now the goal is to get back OFF the meds....for good.

I will say that I'm not feeling all gung ho again yet about the healthy eating. I don't like preparing and cooking different things for me and Dwayne, the non-veggie eater. But I will say that he's making an effort to make it easier on me. He actually ate salad (just romaine lettuce and baby spinach for him) 3 times last week. And one night he fixed dinner by grilling some chicken and serving watermelon and raw baby carrots as the sides. Bless his heart.

I've fallen back into the Coke habit and boy is that a hard one to kick. I still drink a ton of water every day...that never changed...but I added sodas back in over time and it's hard to let them go. Working on that...I've definitely decreased my intake, but I need to kick the habit completely.

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I signed up for the Half Marathon in Savannah this November. I have about 3 1/2 months to get ready for that. The furthest I can go right now w/o dying is 6 miles, so I have some serious work to do to build up to 13.1. I'm still very excited about it.....intimidated, but excited, because my friends Tina, Kim and Crys are all also doing the Half that day. Very cool. All 3 of them are in WAY better shape than me and I'm sure I'll come in last. I'm just hoping to walk fast enough to qualify for that little 13.1 bumper sticker I want. :)

OH!!!! Speaking of bumper stickers, my car finally bit the dust this past weekend. The Accord was 19 years old, had no a/c (100 degree days here in Georgia!!!!), and had a SERIOUS oil leak. I took it to the shop to get fixed this past Saturday and they told me it would be $1400 to fix it!!!!!!!! ??????? The car wasn't even worth $1000 so I scrapped it. I needed a car fast....can't miss work.....so I went to a buy here-pay here place the same day and bought an '02 Toyota Corolla. It's tiny, but they're supposed to be dependable. I hate having a car payment....I haven't had one in about 10 years because I normally buy used cars outright, but at least I only have to pay on it for 2 years....that's not too terribly bad.

This weekend will be busy....have to buy a treadmill from someone, anyone, I don't care at this point. Have to go stand in line at the tag ofc on Saturday morning to renew/transfer my tag to the new car. My birthday is in a couple of weeks so I already had to renew my tag this month. I'm going to be 39...yikes!!! I really enjoyed my 30's....hate to see them come to a close...kinda' sad. Also have to weed my flower bed this Sat and put down mulch, then help Dwayne stain the deck. And Scarlette has an appointment at the salon on Sunday to get her furry buns trimmed. My precious baby. :)

So just been busy but I'm still here. I've been thinking I'd like to post more regularly with workout updates, etc. when I finally get the dang treadmill. Say a prayer that I can find one this wknd that Dwayne will agree to purchasing. Have a fab Tuesday friends. :)

Still Busy...

2011-06-14T12:01:00.000-04:00

We've been spending all of our weekends working on the house that we're getting ready to rent, along with some week nights after work. We've gotten a lot accomplished and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mom and sister are coming over this wknd to help us wrap some stuff up...a little more painting and staining the deck outside, etc. We're officially moving our furniture in the following Friday, June 24th. I took a vacation day tomorrow to go over and paint the bathroom and pressure wash the deck. The livingroom and spare room have already been painted. My weight is the same....260 lbs...nothing has changed there. Just updating because it's been a while. Oh, and this Thursday, June 16th, is my 1 year anniversary here at this company. Hard to believe it's been a year since I was lifted up out of the hell that is unemployment...and I haven't forgotten. I'm very thankful for this job. :)

"Half"-way Committed

2011-06-07T13:43:00.000-04:00

First and foremost, Blogger hates me. I've been trying to do a post for over a week now and was locked out of my own blog!!!! Grrrrr.....

Secondly....I paid my $85 today and signed up to walk the Half Marathon in Savannah, Ga. this November!!!! I am totally locked in, and my friends Tina and Kim are registered, too. There's no backing out now!!!

Dwayne and I have been working on the rental house for the last 2 weeks that we're moving into the 24th of this month. We already rented a U-Haul and moved all of the boxes and small stuff out of my apt this past Sat. We're painting rooms, pressure-washing and staining the deck, and moving all of Dwayne's stuff over the next 2 weekends, and then the movers are coming on the 24th to get the furniture out of my apt and over to the house. We've gone over a few nights during the work week too trying to get stuff done. Last night we went over and finished up cleaning out and planting a couple of flower beds in the front yard. That's hard work!!! Good ol' Georgia clay for dirt is a real workout. My hamstrings are tight and painful and I've been hobbling around the ofc today like a 90 year old woman...pathetic, lol.

I will be purchasing a treadmill before the end of the month to put in the basement of the new house. I've been pricing them on Craig's List, and they are not cheap. My budget is extremely limited, especially with the stuff we've been doing to the house, so finding one I can afford has been quite the challenge...but I'll get one soon.

The scale said 261 this morning....up 2 lbs. since my last post. Any surprise there? No...I didn't think so. Have a great day friends....more updates on the house as I go along...if Blogger will let me update!! :)

Miracles DO Happen

2011-05-24T12:48:00.002-04:00

Still waiting til Fri for my next weigh-in...hoping to stay under 260. But something happened this weekend that I just HAD to share. For anyone who is a long-time follower of my blog, you'll truly understand the significance of this. Dwayne...my boyfriend of nearly 7 years...asked me on Saturday, with NO prompting of my own...if I wanted to go down to the fitness center with him and exercise on the treadmill together.

??????????????????????????

I just sat there and stared at him for a few seconds...blinked a couple of times, while my mind was screaming at me to say something!! I finally, non-chalantly, agreed to go, telling him it sounded like a good idea. And we went.

Bless his heart. I was walking at interval speeds between 3.4 and 3.8. I haven't done any regular exercise in quite a while and that hurt. He was walking at a speed of 3.0 and had to keep grabbing onto the bar in front of him and leaning on it for a few seconds at a time because he said his back hurt when he walked. Poor thing isn't used to any exercise at all....ever.....but I was SOOOOOOOOOOO proud of him for suggesting it on his own and getting out there and doing it.

And guess what else?? He wanted to do it again on Sunday. :)

So for all the blog posts I've written about him never wanting to exercise in his life and only sit on the couch and eat bacon double cheeseburgers while cursing vegetables of any kind.......this is proof that miracles DO happen. :) If you have a boyfriend/husband like mine.....there is always hope. :)

I'll be back on Friday with my weigh-in. Have a fabulous Tuesday friends!

Cautiously Optimistic

2011-05-18T13:09:00.000-04:00

Well....I made the decision to commit to walking a half marathon with my friends Kim and Tina this November in Savannah. I pay my entry fee on June 1st when I get paid again. I've got a lot of work to do. The furthest I can walk right now w/o face-planting on the trail is 6 miles. I've got a long ways to go to get to 13 miles. I also made the decision to be one of those people that buys a treadmill for their home. I've resisted this for a long time because I know me....and I didn't want to be one of those people that spends money on a treadmill and then uses it as a clothes rack a month after purchasing.

But I've got a couple of reasons for deciding on this...my own personal reasons. One is I just can't get over the guilt of working a 10, 12, 14 hour day away from Scarlette, only to come home and change clothes and walk right back out the door to the fitness center at my apt. She's just too pitiful after missing me every day, so when I get home at night, I don't want to go anywhere else. I just want to visit with my baby and Dwayne until bedtime. At least with a treadmill in the basement, I won't have to be away from her. She can watch her momma walk. :)

The other thing....I developed a heat rash when we went to Myrtle Beach....a MASSIVE one. I haven't been able to get rid of it. Walking outside in the heat, after we've moved to the new house, isn't going to be an option for me at all. I'm already red and raw from such a low-hanging stomach and under my chest, and exercising out in the heat of summer will only exascerbate my problem. So that's my 2nd reason for deciding on the treadmill for the house. I'll be sweating for sure, but at least the room I'll be in will be air-conditioned, and I can get into a cold shower quickly after I'm done. I'm planning to get one from Craig's List.

When I left for Myrtle Beach I was 260 lbs. When I got back 5 days later I was 264. I've been that weight for the last 3 weeks or so...ever since I've gotten back. After I made the decision at the end of last week to commit to the half marathon I decided to turn my attention to the weight loss again. This is a major thing, because after you've been "off plan" for as many months as I have (since December), it's tough to turn it all back around in one week. I told myself to just start making small changes. I had fallen into the habit of too much soda and too much restaurant food during the 5 weeks of storms and overtime we've had at work. So I just started trying to cut back a little here and there and ease myself back into a more sane eating routine.

It's taken a lot of effort just to make the small changes, but so far it's been worth it. I was 264 lbs. last Friday and this morning I was 259 lbs. I've lost 5 lbs. in the last 6 days. That's encouraging, but I don't want to hoop and holler too much. I need to get to where I'm feeling solid again...not just get excited over one good week. I had a catch in my throat this morning when I saw that I had dropped back into the 250's, even though it's ever so slightly. I've been at 260 and above for so long that I was starting to think I'd never see a lower number again. Today's eating has been all about concentrating on not going back up to that next decade again. I've been thinking on it all day, and I'm hoping that by next week I can report that I'm firmly down into the mid 250's.

So I'm slowly pulling in the reigns again...not really trusting myself, but trying hard to. I know I have it in me to lose this weight. I know I have what it takes....I just need to concentrate on the positive things and leave the negative thoughts behind....the ones that say I'm destined to be fat forever because I just cant' seem to get a grip. I can get a grip...I can...and I'm focusing on those positive thoughts today.

Good Friends

2011-05-12T06:09:00.000-04:00

I'm finally catching a bit of a break at work. I'm still getting some overtime but it's not near as crazy as it has been for the last 5 weeks or so.

I had the chance to meet up with Tina from Fat Girl Dives In last night for dinner. We went to Ted's Montana Grill. It was fabulous. I really enjoyed my visit with her...an hour of laughs, good stories and catching up....and a huckleberry margarita might have been involved. ;)

It was a really good time, and something we don't do near often enough. I need to work on that. Time with friends is important....and time with friends who are so motivated towards getting healthy is even MORE important.

I'm supposed to get together with my good friend Kim this coming Sunday for lunch and I'm so looking forward to it. Kim walked a HALF MARATHON a couple of weekends ago up in Nashville, TN....all by herself (a friend of hers backed out)...and I'm just so incredibly proud of her. I can't wait to see her medal!

Also, Tina asked me last night if I still planned to walk the Half Marathon in Savannah this November. She said she's definitely doing it. I would certainly like to, but I know you can't play around with this stuff. You have to actually train. I was telling Tina how good she looked yesterday and that all that yoga and cardio she's doing must be paying off. She said she works out 7 days a week and gets up at 5am to do so. I was thinking that I already have to get up at 4:30am just to get to work by 6am...getting up at 3:30am to exercise first? Hmmmm. lol

We'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll get my act together and find a way to MAKE time to get my buns in gear. I would love to walk the Half in Savannah with 2 such good friends as Tina and Kim. It would make for a fabulous girl's weekend, don't ya' think? :)

Caught Up

2011-05-06T08:04:00.000-04:00

We were actually caught up enough yesterday to leave at 5pm...only worked 11 hours! I went home, fell in bed at 5:45p. Scarlette curled up next to me and gave me sweet little kisses and we napped til 7:30p. Got up and ate some dinner and visited with Dwayne. Back in bed at 11pm. Forgot to set my alarm and slept til 6:40am. It was absolutely glorious, lol. Feeling MUCH more energized today. Have a fabulous weekend friends! :)

Shoot Me Please

2011-05-05T06:35:00.000-04:00

I need someone to take mercy on me and put me out of my misery. Worked til 11:15p last night..got a few hrs sleep and back up at 4:30. At work now. 17 hour day yesterday...those are killers. My eyes are burning and there's not enough make-up in the world to cover up the dark circles under my eyes. I warned Billie as soon as I walked in the door to leave me alone today...that it's not gonna' be a good one. Grrrr. I miss sleep.

Is It Monday Again?

2011-05-02T06:52:00.000-04:00

I'm losing track of my days after working 7 days this past week. They're all starting to run together. Somebody actually had to tell me it was payday last Friday because I was so unaware. I got a bill from the cable company saying I owed $176 and I freaked. Turns out I completely forgot to pay last month's bill so now I have a double bill. When I tell you I've done nothing but work, I'm not exaggerating. :)

I worked 10 hours on Sat and 11 hours yesterday to close out the week with 85.5 hours. This week is shaping up to be more of the same. We have a new temp coming in today that I have to train, and will be training a 2nd temp tomorrow. That will make 4 temps altogether that we have helping us now so the work should get sent out sooner, which will ensure even more work for us in the future. Billie said I may not even have time to do reports today w/ answering the phones, dealing with problem emails and training and managing the temp girls.

I went home after work these last 2 nights and started packing up my apt to move in June. Sleep is still very little....there's just too much to do between work and home. I've pretty much slidden into permanent zombie mode now, lol. Good news...my paychecks are looking pretty good. Bad news...no time to spend it...not even on bills apparently (sorry cable company!).

Time to sign off and get to it. Looking forward to seeing Leslie from Something Brilliant Is Brewing. She's supposed to be here soon.....I've already forgotten the days, but I've got them written down on my work calendar. Now I just have to remove the piles of files sitting on top of it so I can actually read it.....ahhhhhh.....another day in paradise. :)

A Welcome Reminder

2011-04-28T07:04:00.000-04:00

Good morning :)

I haven't updated in quite a while simply because nothing has changed. I took a few days off and went with Dwayne and Scarlette to visit his sister in Myrtle Beach. Parts of that trip were nice...other parts, not so nice, but either way, it got me out of the office for 5 whole days and I needed that. This is my 3rd day back to work and we had some nasty storms last night so it looks like the overtime will continue for a while. It sure has been a stormy Spring here in Dixie.

We moved to a new office Tuesday/Wednesday and it went surprisingly well. We just have boxes piled from the floor to the ceiling, but we're in the new office and the phones and internet are up and running so we're back to work. Yesterday was a shorter day than normal....I only worked 13.5 hours. :)

I was thinking on the way to work this morning at 5:30am that I should probably just close down the blog because I'm not losing any weight, so why keep a weight loss blog open? I'm certainly not contributing anything to our little community and I can't seem to blog about anything other than work because that's all I've been doing for the last month....working...nothing else. No meal planning on my one day off....no exercise for sure on 14-16 hour days 6 days a week. I really couldn't think of a reason to continue blogging.

I got to work this morning and turned on my computer. I brought up my blog and then my email, intending on writing a good-bye post....but strangely enough, checked my email first. I had one message. It was a friend request for Facebook from someone named Nancy. I thought to myself that I don't know a Nancy and was going to ignore the request....until I saw her message.

She said, "I read your blog. Never quit :)"

Tears welled up in my eyes immediately. I don't believe in coincidence or lucky happenings...but I do believe in divine intervention. I believe that God sent Nancy to let me know He's not giving up on me...and I shouldn't give up on myself. So thank you Nancy....and thank you Lord. I believe I'll hang around for a while and trust that one of these days I'll get this show back on the road. Somebody seems to think I'm worth it. :)

Have a blessed day friends.

Two More Days

2011-04-19T06:46:00.000-04:00

Only 2 more long days until I head to Myrtle Beach. We worked 14.5 hrs yesterday...today and tomorrow will be around the same. We had another storm last weekend, not to mention that we're getting 700 claims off the tornadoes in North Carolina that caused 24 deaths. One of these days I'll be able to talk about something other than work....I'm just not sure when. Until then....it's time to get busy. :)

No Loss This Week

2011-04-16T11:18:00.000-04:00

Hi! It's Saturday and guess where I am! WORK!!!

I got on the scale this morning with a tad bit of fear after another week of overtime and an alcohol binge of epic proportions Thursday night. I was shocked to see 260.2...meaning ONLY 260.2. I am up .2 of a lb. from last week's weigh-in of 260.0. Ok. It's a new week and I'm moving along.

We had a MAJOR set of storms here in Georgia last night. I'm not sure how widespread the damage is yet, but there are some HUGE uprooted oak trees right outside here at work, so I'm expecting a whole new round of storm claims on Monday morning. I'm leaving town early Thursday morning with Dwayne for a mini-vacation at his sister's house in Myrtle Beach. Bad news for my boss. GREAT news for me. Trust me...after the 16 hour days I'm going to have to work Mon-Wed, and the 2 previous weeks I've had, I am so looking forward to this trip. Nothing major planned...just rest and relaxtion. :)

I've got 64 reports sitting in my inbox....it's time to get busy. Have a beautiful weekend everyone. :)

Excedrin Migraine Anyone??

2011-04-15T15:39:00.000-04:00

I went to the annual Claims Convention last night. I started with this company 9 months ago, so this was my first one. I've been told a lot of crazy stories about that convention....some I better not repeat. Let's just say that I now have faith that every one of those stories were true. :) That is one crazy bunch of people. We were at the convention for 4 hours....that whole open bar thing. And then we left and went to the tavern down the street for another 4 hours...and Scott was buying. Yeah. Needless to say I had the mother of all hangovers this morning but I'm starting to feel human now at almost 4pm in the afternoon. There's a reason I very rarely drink, much less drink heavily. I was reminded of that this morning when we left the bar at 2am, and Billie called me at 6am to get ready for work.

Headed back to the convention center tonight for a much more subdued banquet dinner thingie, awards, etc. Dwayne is going to meet me there. I have to work a full day tomorrow so the overtime continues. And I got word that the storm that spawned tornadoes and killed some people in Oklahoma is headed our way and should arrive tonight or tomorrow. I must say I had no idea what I was getting myself into in the way of workload when I entered the insurance claims industry. I thank God for the work.

Chugging Along

2011-04-13T06:10:00.000-04:00

I know these posts are really boring but the purpose of them is not really for excitement. It's to get me back in the groove of posting daily. It's the first step in getting back to the weight loss with the responsibility of at least checking in and making a record of how I'm doing and what's going on in my life.

So how am I doing? I'm tired. We're still in the midst of handling the storm claims from a week ago, and still working a lot of overtime. I was here 15 hours yesterday and I'm back here again this morning at 6am, ready to do it again. Thankfully there will be a little relief tomorrow and Friday. I'll only have to work 9 1/2 hours those days, from 6a-3:30p, and we'll then be leaving the office to head to our annual Claims Convention. We host a suite along with a lot of other companies from 5p-10p. It will still be a long day and late hours, but at least I won't be stuck in the office the whole time. Did I mention there's an open bar? That could be dangerous. :)

Gotta' get to work...I'll check back in tomorrow. And I am so looking forward to a mini vacation next week. Dwayne and I will be leaving next Thursday to head to Myrtle Beach for 4 days. My plan is very simple. Put on a swimsuit, lay by the pool, and sleep. :)

Still At Work!

2011-04-11T21:20:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I missed my post yesterday, but it was only because I was SOOOOO busy running errands, doing my shopping and cleaning the house that I just didn't have time to sit down and write. I worked just over 76 hours this past week....and it looks like there's going to be more overtime this week. I'm already got about 13.5 hrs in today and I'm still here at work...so. Good news is I had a salad for lunch today, so I'm starting to do better with the ordering in stuff. I'll be back tomorrow with another update. :)

Working Weekend

2011-04-09T09:52:00.000-04:00

Good morning. :) I finally got 8 full hours of sleep last night so I feel pretty good today. I'm back at work. So far I've put in 67 hrs this week. Not sure how long I'll have to work today and maybe tomorrow but I think I'll be pushing 80 before I'm done. I'm worn out but I'm thankful I have a job. This beats the hell out of unemployment. I'm a little sad being away from Dwayne and Scarlette so much but you do what you gotta' do. I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! :)

Busy As A Bee

2011-04-08T06:10:00.000-04:00

Good morning! It's 6am and time for another busy day. I'm pretty proud of myself for posting every day this week, especially with as busy as I've been. I had a 15 hour day yesterday, from 6a-9p. I really don't how how I'm even awake at this point...maybe it's the coffee. I've drank more coffee in the last 4 days than I've drank in the last 4 years!

Time for my weigh-in. I was 261.4 last week and this morning I'm 260.0 for a loss of 1.4 lbs. I found that pretty amazing given the week I've had and lunch and dinner being ordered in all week long due to our long hours. So I'll take it. And I'm hoping that things settle down in the next few days. Maybe next week's weigh-in will look even better. I may not be knocking it out of the park, but I'm persevering. Have a fabulous Spring weekend everyone. :)

Is It Thursday Already???

2011-04-07T07:48:00.000-04:00

My days are all running together now. I went to mark something on my calendar here at work when I got in at 6am and noticed it was Thursday!! ?? When did that happen ?? Another 14 hr day yesterday. I fully remembered why I left myself fall out of the daily blogging habit....I got tired of reporting the bad stuff, lol. Today I'll just say I'm very thankful to have a job and I will NOT complain about long hours. I haven't forgotten the year and 4 months I spent on unemployment before I landed this job. Working too much is always better than not working at all. Always.

Ilovemyjob
Ilovemyjob
Ilovemyjob
Ilovemyjob

Well I've got 112 new claims sitting in my email waiting to be set up. Time to get busy. :)

I Need Toothpicks

2011-04-06T06:02:00.000-04:00

I need toothpicks to hold my eyes open. Worked til 10:15p last night. Got home and in bed by 11:15p. Couldn't shut my brain off and relax so I was awake til after 2am. Alarm clock went off at 4:30. Back to work at 5:40am and writing this post. Let's hope today's eating goes better than yesterday's. Stress and exhaustion make a bad duo for me when it comes to fantastic choices, and I'm definitely feeling both. Wanted to get a quick post in before I start my day. I've got 71 new claims sitting in my inbox so I need to get busy...have a great day friends. :)

Oops

2011-04-05T18:50:00.000-04:00

We had a lot of bad storms last night and have been barraged with new claims today. I got in at 8am and will be working here with Billie until at least 10pm tonight....my whole eating plan went to hell today. I'm going to try and be okay with that so I don't throw my hands up and say forget it again and disappear for another 4 months. It's clear I don't handle stress too well. 14 hour work days don't help. But I'm going to make it eventually. Will probably be working late every day this week and maybe through the weekend, but I am committed to a daily post, no matter brief, and no matter what kind of garbage I have to report. By the way, the reason today has sucked is not because I didn't bring my extra snacks...I did. But due to the heavy work day, the boss okay'd Billie to order in lunch and dinner. Pizza for lunch. Chinese for dinner. Yeah. Well. Tomorrow is a new day. Goodnight friends...gotta' get back to work.

So Tired...But Posting

2011-04-04T22:21:00.000-04:00

I'm exhausted but I promised myself I'd start posting daily again to get me back in the routine and back in the company of like-minded people. I worked 8a-8p today, came home and ate dinner, washed the dishes, etc. Just sitting down to the computer to spit out a few lines.

I guess I haven't really started the WW program yet, because I still haven't had time to figure out the points calculator. I left it at work last Fri, and when I got to work this morning I had 36 emails waiting on me so I hit the ground running like I normally do. I still wasn't finished 12 hrs later at 8pm (the emails just kept coming!), but I finally hung it up at 8p and headed home. Been busy since I walked in the door, so still no time to figure out how the thing works.

I've been looking at recipes at TJ's blog over the weekend. This morning I made a sandwich kind of like her breakfast sandwich before I left for work. It was a high fiber english muffin (100 cals), one egg and one egg white cooked in Pam, and a Jimmy Dean turkey sausage patty...no cheese. Lunch was a turkey burger on a whole wheat bun w/ a little ketchup and mustard. I cooked 3 of them last night to have on hand for lunch or dinner. I also made one of TJ's dinner recipes....a rotini bake that's kind of like lasagna. I put fresh spinach and mushrooms in mine...and I only had 1/2 jar of sauce in the frig. But I used the Smart Taste Ronzoni rotini like she did, and the part-skim ricotta, and the 2% mozzarella. I left the parmesan out of the mix, with just sprinkling a little bit on the top. It was really, really good. I cut it into 8 pcs like she did and had 1 piece for dinner. I think she listed it as 8 pts....I can't remember now. I doubt I'll get it all eaten before it goes bad, but it should be good for a few days.

I also don't know how many pts I'm really supposed to be eating in a day. I'm guessing around 34-35 from what some WW friends have told me. They also said something about 49 addt'l points to use throughout the week. I don't know. I'm still pretty lost to tell you the truth. For snacks, I took an apple and a handful of baby carrots w/ 2 Tbsp of hummus. I only ate 1/2 of the hummus w/ my carrots....and when I cut the apple in half it was rotten in the middle, so that went in the trash. Staying at work 12 hrs requires more snacks than I took with me. I'm going to take more tmrw, because I'm not sure how long of a day it will be. I cut up some fresh pineapple and cantaloupe tonight and have it ready to go. I think I will also take some other veggies along with my carrots....some sweet peppers and baby cucumbers. By the way, does anyone know how much fruit is TOO much fruit. I have a feeling it's only 0 points...to a certain point. Eating a whole pineapple would probably be a bad idea. :) If you're a Weight Watcher, any tips would be appreciated. :)

This Post Is A Novel!

2011-04-03T01:52:00.000-04:00

I've been in a downward spiral for the last 4 months where my weight is concerned.

I'm ready to climb out now.

What's been going on in my head? Oh my...what a scary place to be. :)

I've been hesitant to write it all out because some of it is just plain ridiculous and I know it. But...I do happen to think that the blog is a good tool for journaling everything, and everything has to include what I call "the crap". I cut my blogging back to about once a week or so while I've been wading around in the muck and the mire...but I've kept my blog open, because I've held onto that little spark of hope that one of these days I'd get my thinking back in the right place. I feel like I'm finally there.

I will admit that my thinking is altered towards the weight loss....I'm not interested in "hard core" like some people are. I fail too often and the disappointment is too overwhelming. I definitely have a major problem with consistency. I'm afraid that's always going to be my personal battle with the weight loss. Maybe one day I'll overcome it if I keep trying.

I pretty much threw my hands up in December...and not totally sure why, but I do know a few things that were going on at the time. Little stupid stuff that I haven't wanted to mention. For one thing, we had an unbelievable amount of chocolate in the office every day. It was like living in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory 9 hours a day. I am so not kidding you. Nearly every client we have hand-delivered these elaborate, expensive baskets of nothing but chocolate-covered stuff. Now I can handle the normal office candy bowl that Billie keeps chocolate in.....but this was just too much. The entire month of December was just a continual barrage of gifted chocolates...no bueno for a chocoholic like myself. Not good at all. That was the beginning of the end.

Another thing, and this is a continuing problem for me that I have not yet dealt with, is that Dwayne has been over 7 nights a week, every night, since I moved in this apt last July. Prior to me moving in here, we lived about 45 mins apart from each other and I saw him about 4 days a week....now it's every day. I am now totally aware of his daily eating habits and choices, and for the most part, they are horrific. Meat, carbs, sweets, Coke, etc. Deliciously fattening crap food. I am surrounded by it. For the record, and this will mean nothing to anyone else, but it irritates the living shit out of me, is that Dwayne and I will be dating for 7 years this August. He has weighed nearly the exact same thing the entire time I've known him, within a 5 lb. range. He's right at 230 lbs...give or take 2 or 3.  He's been 228, he's been 233, but it's usually 230 on the nose. FOR NEARLY SEVEN YEARS. Eating the stuff he eats. I shouldn't care, but for some reason, this makes me crazy. It truly does. Something feels incredibly unfair about him being able to eat all the bacon double cheeseburgers and whole racks of BBQ ribs he wants and not gain an effing pound.

I have bitched about this before on here, and several people have commented that I need to get over it. Yeah. I know. But this time around, you can keep those comments to yourself if you don't mind. :)
I know it's a personal problem for me....and I know I was a dumbass for giving up and giving in during December when he was off from work for 2 weeks for Christmas break and he was eating all of his meals in front of me. I shouldn't have caved....and now I'm trying to finally deal with us eating 2 different ways and having to fix 2 different things, or watching him gnaw on fried food while I'm eating the broiled stuff.

I also got burned out on the calorie counting during that month. There's just too much going on that month....too much holiday food at every turn, and I just couldn't seem to make myself hold the line. I quite literally threw my hands in the air and said "eff it". I can't remember how many lbs. I gained that month, but it was alot....somewhere between 10-20 lbs I think. All I remember is I was feeling like I was almost past the point of no return. It was a big gain in a short amount of time. It takes forever to take it off, yet I can put it back on in the blink of an eye. Defeated, guilty, and like a big, fat screw-up is a good way of describing how I felt.

I also found out during the month of December that my boss was not going to give me a raise.....a raise that was promised to me when I started last June. I gave him 110% as I always do at any job....never late, never out, doing all the work he could pile on me....and when the time came, he dropped the bomb on me. My budget is very tight....extremely tight. After a year and 4 months of unemployment, and then starting a job (that I'm thankful for), at pretty low pay, I just kept telling myself if I could hold out 6 more months, it would get better. Well, it didn't. It sucked, and it was a huge disappointment.

The only thing I knew to do was to start my own business on the side, if I could do it with basically no capital. I have a friend in Charleston that has her own personal assistant business. I researched and researched, and learned as much as I could, and that's how the Errand Fairy was born. Unfortunately, word of mouth is the only advertising I can afford, and that's not working out too well. I haven't really had any business since I tried to start this business in the beginning of January. My fabulous friend Tina, at Fat Girl Dives In, was gracious enough to create a fantastic website for me, which I posted a link to on my sidebar. I'm very proud of it...I think it's absolutely perfect...exactly what I wanted. She also used the logo she created to help me order my business cards. I used the same logo to create a small flyer. I've given out tons of cards and spent weekends hanging up flyers. I've told everyone I know about the business, and I'm thinking maybe the economy is still in too poor of a state for people to warrant spending money on this kind of service. I really, REALLY hope that it will get rolling sometime soon though. God knows I could use the extra money.

My original plan was to work the Errand Fairy business on weeknights and weekends, around my current job. My hope was to get busy enough that I could go part-time at work, and half the other half of the "work day" to grow my personal assistant business....with that eventually becoming my main job.   Well...you know what they say about best laid plans.

At the very beginning of February, Staci got fired at work. The next day, my boss Scott pulled me in his office and told me he was giving me her job, along with a $2.50/hr raise. Very, very happy about the raise....and very, very stressed about the new responsibility. Here's the thing. He's not hiring anyone else to fill the 3rd office girl's spot. So that means what? Tammy gets to work 2 positions...and do it with as little overtime as possible. Now I wont' say that it's 2 full-time positions, because my original position of answering phones, filing, setting up new claims was not a hard, busy job. That's how I knew I'd eventually be able to go part-time and grow my side business. But with taking on Staci's job, which was definitely a 40 hr/wk job, ON TOP OF the job I was already doing....is feeling a little bit like insanity.

I now work my ass off. I get in between 7a-8a and it's 90 mph til the end of the day...which is normally 5pm...but sometimes I get overtime. When I first started with Staci's job, I was getting 10-12 hrs of OT a week (which the boss would prefer not to have to pay). I've now gotten her job down so well and gotten so efficient at all of my duties, that it's around 3-4 hrs of OT every 2 week time period. That takes REAL effort. Speed, efficiency, dedication....and a whole lotta' stress. Day in, day out, with no signs of letting up. It. Is. Crazy. Excedrin Migraine is my new best friend. Lunch hour? Who has time for a lunch hour?? It's been grab and go for 2 solid months now.

However....I'm still getting fatter. And that has to stop. I hung out around 257.4 for weeks on end. I got on the scale this morning with a new dedication in mind and saw 261.4 staring at me. Shit. I'm over 260. A new, higher decade.  Faced with the realization that I REALLY need to actually do something to lose weight, and not just mull it over in my mind, I have tried to make improvements this weekend.

I've been reading a lot of blogs like I normally do, I just haven't been commenting much at all. I've just been absorbing what other people are doing. While calorie counting definitely works IF YOU STICK TO IT....I'm a little burned out on that, so I've been considering other methods. I definitely think there needs to be some form of tracking with the food if there's going to be any kind of success at all. It has been my belief from Day One of starting this blog that pretty much any of the programs out there work....programs don't fail. People do.

The only concept I don't really think is too brilliant is what they call "intuitive eating". I laugh every time I think of this. Eat when you're hungry....don't when you're not...listen to your body, etc. I'm going to lay it out there by saying that if us fat people/food addicts, or whatever you want to call it, found it nd doable to only eat when hungry, we wouldn't be here. It's that simple. We all know the reasons we eat....and very few of them have to do with actual hunger. Listen to my body? Well sometimes the body and the mind get blurred....and I intuitively ate my way up to 340 lbs. by doing what one of them told me to....who knows which one.

Yeah, I'm afraid that tracking what you eat is the only true way to get a grip. So for a change, I'm going to delve into the Weight Watchers Points Plus program. I'm not paying for it...I'm getting info from friends and other bloggers who are doing it. My supervisor at work, and good friend Billie is doing the WW plan, and she brought me her Pocket Guide and Points Calculator to work yesterday to help me get started. I've been reading over the little guide today. A lot of it is stuff you already know, but it's always good to be refreshed. Sometimes you need to hear it again.

It said a couple of things that struck me, and I liked them. One was, strive for 30 mins of activity a day...but if you've been sedentary (and God knows I have), start with 10 mins. I can do that. Another thing it said in the vegetable section is that if pre-washed, pre-sliced veggies make it easier for you to actually eat them, then it's worth the extra money. Thank you Weight Watchers, because I was feeling really guilty about that pack of pre-washed and pre-sliced package of fresh mushrooms I bought last night at the grocery store.

I picked up a few things at the grocery store last night and used some coupons I had, but I really need to get back to the store tomorrow for some more produce to make it all the way through the week with healthy eats. Last night I bought that pack of mushrooms, 2 apples, 4 bananas, a cantaloupe, some baby carrots, an onion, a bell pepper, and some of those little sweet peppers that look like baby bell peppers, and some small pickling cucumbers. Not sure what else I want to pick up, but if the fruits and veggies are going to be my 0 point fillers, then I probably need some more.

I knew yesterday at work that I was going to start the plan soon, but hadn't grocery shopped yet and the frig was EMPTY. Dwayne suggested seafood for dinner, and I decided last night's dinner would be a good time to start making better choices than I have been in the last 4 months. Small changes would be better than nothing, so I tried to get started. We went to the restaurant and we ordered drinks. He got a Coke and I got water with lemon. My first good choice. He ordered fried jumbo shrimp and grouper, and although I wanted grilled, they didn't have a grilled section on the menu. I decided on broiled over the fried....scallops and grouper. To my surprise and delight, the broiled seafood wasn't swimming in a dish of butter like I assumed it would be. It was plated, and almost a little on the dry side, with some herbs and spices on top.  Dwayne got fries on the side....I ordered a baked potato, and instead of the butter and sour cream, I went with a little Heinz 57.....I left the coleslaw and hush puppies alone. It was a start.

We got up at 9am this morning and I asked Dwayne if he wanted sausage and eggs for breakfast (I use Jimmy Dean turkey sausage patties, and he actually likes them!) I was thinking egg whites for myself in place of the eggs. He said he didn't really feel like breakfast food and let him think about it. (For the record, last weekend we ordered omelettes and hashbrowns from the Waffle House)....my goal for this weekend was improvement. I ended up grabbing a banana for breakfast and he skipped it altogether.

About 11:30a he headed to Publix to pick us up some sandwiches from the deli. Better choice than the pizza that was waiting in the freezer. He had them put all the veggies on mine, and also on wheat bread. Thank you honey.

At least 10 mins of activity.....I needed to get off the sofa and do something. We looked up dog parks and took Scarlette to a new one. He read online that it didn't have a parking lot, so you'd have to park at an apt complex down the road a bit. We parked about 1/4 mile away and walked to it, only to find a small parking lot when we got there. Dwayne was a little irritated that he actually had to walk that 1/4 mile in, and again on the way back to the car. He's my dedicated couch potato. We ran around and played fetch with Scarlette for nearly an hour. Yay me for actually moving. :)

When we left the dog park, Dwayne swung through Burger King to get a drink. We shared a Coke....yes I know, bad. Then he ordered 8 chicken nuggets for a snack. I didn't eat any, deciding to have a healthier snack when we got home. I had some baby carrots with about 2 Tbsp of Sabra roasted red pepper hummus. If you have not tried this flavor....you MUST. It's like Heaven in a bowl. Absolutely delicious.

I thawed some shrimp for dinner with no idea what to make with it. We normally make shrimp po boys with them, using 180 calorie Naan bread that I get from the deli at Publix....but forgot to pick some up last night. Dwayne said he wanted Velveeta Shells and Cheese with his....so I fixed that for him. For myself, I heated up a bag of Steamfresh brown rice medley with tomatoes, onions and spinach in it. Truthfully, I would have rather had the mac 'n' chz....it looked good...but I made the healthier choice. For the shrimp, I just sauteed them in a pan with a little olive oil, sprinkled with garlic, Adobo, Tony Cachere's cajun seasoning and a splash of lime juice.

One thing I need to get back to is planning. Everything works so much better with planning and prep, and doesn't work well at all without it. I know that I am exhausted every night when I come home, and cooking dinner seems like the least appealing thing to me. I need to cook some stuff up tomorrow to have dinners for at least the first few nights of the work week so I can just grab it out of the frig and re-heat. Not sure what yet....but I've been looking at recipes on TJ's blog today at TJ's Test Kitchen, and think I might try a couple of those. I also have an old Weight Watchers cookbook that Dwayne's mom gave me a few months ago. I'm going to sit down and look through that tomorrow as well.

I drank about (5) 32 oz glasses of water throughout the day today, so my water intake is pretty good, and has been this whole time. I don't think my weight involves any kind of sodium gain in that regard. I think it's all FAT. I feel pretty good about the weekend so far, because I know what I ate, while not perfect, was MUCH better than what the last 4 months have looked like. I'm looking forward to another decent day tomorrow, involving some kind of activity, and some pre-planning and prep for the week ahead. I'm also going to do my best to get back to daily posting here, even if it's just a short paragraph. There really is very little free time at work, so maybe I'll starting spitting out a quick post in the morning when I first get there. I'm always there a little early. I think the daily posting will help me get back in the groove and help with the dedication of finally getting back in the fight. :)

Seriously

2011-03-22T22:21:00.000-04:00

This girl needs a vacation. Fo Sho.

I went for a walk this past Sunday with Kim and her friend Emily. I finally, FINALLY got my fat ass moving again after 6 months of as little movement as possible. I won't lie. It hurt. A lot. It's Tuesday and I'm still hobbling, lol. The sad part is we only walked 4.5 miles. I used to walk that distance all the time...and then I got lazy. And now I'm feeling it. Big Time. The goal is to get on the treadmill at the fitness center tomorrow after work. It's just ridiculous that one walk takes me 2 full days to recover but that's what happens when you give up. Let this be a lesson to you if you're thinking about giving up. Bad idea. Because one day you'll want to get back at it.

I mean, that's why we're all here isn't it? To scratch and claw our way out of this hell hole called Obesity? We start up blogs and bare our souls. Lose some weight...and some of us gain some back....and then lose some more, except the next time...each time, we start over...it's that much harder. I think the better idea here is to just not give up in the first place. I read that as one of Chris' goals when she first started. (Chris at A Deliberate Life). I think she had 3 goals when she first began, and funny enough, the only one I can remember is the last one..."Don't Quit". Just don't quit. And she didn't, and she hasn't, and she went from somewhere around 250 lbs. I think to now wearing a size 10 and fully living and enjoying life as a thin person.

I've read a lot of blogs over the last couple of years, but there are a few select ones that really speak to me. Ones that I truly treasure. I take nuggets of wisdom from their experiences and hold onto them. I may not be applying them at the moment...but I know them. I cling to them, because one of these days I'm going to get it right, just like they did. Chris is one of those people with one of those blogs. Her words and her ways are striking to me.

If you can peel back all the layers and totally expose my core....my emotions...that raw, hidden place that you think nobody knows about but you....that nobody else has experienced in the same way. If you can define the pain, the shame, the reasons....the non-reasons, the excuses, the rationalizations, etc, and without knowing the first thing about me personally...then you've got my attention. Chris did that in a couple of posts talking about "cleaning out her chicken coop"...and Sean did it in a post where he wrote a letter to Morbid Obesity. There are a few others from other people, but these are 2 of the most memorable for me. If you're morbidly/severely obese and you know the shame I speak of....you should search out these posts. They're invaluable to addicts like us. These posts are like lanterns lighting your way out of a deep, dark cave.

My weight is still a constant struggle. I lost 3 lbs last week while working like a maniac while Billie was on vacation. Those 3 lbs are still gone and I'm happy about that. But I still have issues, and I know that. I don't know exactly why I have them...but they're there. My weight is something I think about every single day....many, many times a day. What's baffling is how I can be this physically miserable and still not have fixed/solved/obliterated the problem yet.

As I said, I think about it daily, in so many ways, in reference to so many different things. Weight loss is hard work. There's no denying that. And we all know it's not the actual act of dropping the lbs. Oh it if were only that easy, right??? But no....the really hard part is as Sean says. Self-honesty is part of it. Letting go of all the rationalizations for the bad choices is part of it. And as Chris says, digging deep and really identifying what the issues are that cause you to want to eat like this in the first place. What are you covering up/avoiding/etc. What hurts? And learning how to deal with it. It really does take level upon level of mental work. Wow I'm channeling Sean again....I think he says it's 80% mental....much less about the food. He's so right. The reason all of this matters and plays into it is so we can reach the end game. Not losing the weight....but once it's lost, keeping it off. Forever. Completely re-training ourselves with a new lifestyle, a new way of thinking, a new way of dealing and coping. It's a lot of work.

I've noticed in the last month whenever I try to really, really delve into these thoughts, some kind of sirens go off in my head and I think, "OMG I'm so stressed...I'm so busy at work...I can't deal with this right now. I'm doing the work of 2 people at work now...sometime 3. I've got the Claims Convention coming up in 3 weeks (what am I going to wear that actually looks decent on my fat body????). Then a week later I'm going to Myrtle Beach for a few days to see Dwayne's sister. Then when I get back I've got to start packing for a move. My place, Dwayne's place, and Dwayne's storage unit all have to be organized, packed and moved. I'm so mentally exhausted when I get home from work that it's an absolute chore to put myself on that treadmill down at the fitness center. Total mental block. It's hard enough to keep the dishes done and laundry washed during the week." And on and on and on.

I've definitely got my priorities mixed up and I KNOW that. My stress levels are very high, but I know that others are much more stressed than I am. I know that I'm no different that anyone else...I'm not special. I'm just not dealing with my weight the way I should. You'd think I'd throw my hands up in the air and just say forget it. I think I'll just stay fat and get the obsessive thoughts about what I should be doing out of my head. But I haven't done that. I haven't resolved to fully quit in my mind. Losing the weight and learning how to keep it off truly is something I want to do. I just don't know why I'm scared to do it. It must be some kind of fear that keeps me from pushing through. Maybe if I keep torturing myself with fat thoughts every day I'll break on through and get on the right track. I need to find my blinders again soon and re-acquaint myself with the word "consistency". It feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. I need to jump. Seriously.

T.G.I.F. Baby!!!

2011-03-18T08:39:00.000-04:00

So everyone knows that I was the "acting" office manager this week while Billie was on vacation. I actually made it to Friday without burning the place down! This has been the busiest week of my life, without question. Wanna' know a secret? I lost 3 lbs. this week. I was 260 lbs. on Monday morning, and when I hopped on yesterday morning, I saw 257 lbs. Apparently weight loss happens when you're too damn busy to eat like a moron. Who knew?

Dwayne's supposed to take me to look at his buddy's house this weekend that we're considering renting this summer. Also, I'm hoping to meet up with Kim some time this Sunday for a nice long walk...probably on the Silver Comet trail where she did a 10k last weekend. It's going to be in the 80's down here in Dixie. Good ol' Georgia.....when spring is due to arrive (this Sunday), we don't waste any time. :) Trees and flowers are blooming everywhere and before you know it our pollen count will be in the 5000+ range and we'll all be struggling to breathe. I guess you have to take the good with the bad....at least the sun is shining. :)

Have a fabulous weekend friends! :)

Making A Move...Maybe

2011-03-13T11:22:00.000-04:00

It looks like we might be moving this summer...but it's not written in stone yet. Dwayne's got a friend that he works with at HP and he moved to California. He now needs someone to rent his house in Roswell, and Dwayne is considering it. We will be together 7 years this August, and it looks like we might finally be moving in together. There's a fenced in back yard for Scarlettte, which makes me very happy.

I haven't seen the house yet myself, but Dwayne says it's pretty big. He also said it needs some work on the inside, and although we'll be renting, the option to buy in the future is there, so there's a few things we might change. One thing we're interested in is recessed lighting in the livingroom. It also has a full basement, and Dwayne said the flooring down there needs some improvement as well. All in all, I'm hoping it works out. My commute to work will go from 20 minutes to at least an hour, but I think the things I'll gain from the move will make it well worth it. On the other hand, Dwayne's current hour-long commute to work will drop to about 10-15 minutes, so it's a huge bonus for him. After driving that hour back and forth to work for 5 years now, he deserves the break.

I was scheduled to do a long walk with my friend Kim this morning, but she participated in a 10k yesterday and is now very sore....understandably!! We re-scheduled for next Sunday, and the plan is to do a "LONG" walk each Sunday together in preparation for the Half Marathon we'll be doing together at the end of the year. Tomorrow starts my week from hell at work, as Billie is on vacation and I'll be running the office. Pray for me friends....it's gonna' get crazy. After this week of overtime, the plan is to start doing my own walks on the treadmill in the fitness center here at my apartment complex. As my dear friend Tina said, you JUST. HAVE. TO. DO. IT. Amen sister. :)

So Over It

2011-03-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

Ok. I'm tired of being fat. I'm ready to lose some weight again and maybe actually KEEP IT OFF this time.

I was watching a comedy show with one of Dwayne's favorite comedians, Daniel Tosh. He has a show called Tosh.0 and also has a stand-up routine. I pretty much hate him, although I'll admit to laughing at a couple of his jokes. But for the most part....he's got the humor of a 12 year old boy. Dwayne was watching his stand-up show Sunday night and if you weren't young, white, skinny and rich, he picked on you. For us fat people he said, "Big can be beautiful....just not to me. I think you're disgusting".

For once, I'd like for someone to pick on me for something other than my fat. My religion, my political views, I'm too tall...whatever....but the fat jokes are really getting old. I'm so over it.

I'm planning on walking a Half Marathon with my friend Kim and whoever else wants to join this November. It's only 8 months away, and at the speed that my days are flying by, it will be here before I know it. I still haven't established an exercise routine, but I've thought about it!! I've been training all week learning Billie's job because she will be on vacation next week and I'll be acting Ofc Mgr...doing her job, plus my job, plus Staci's job that I had to learn a month ago when she got fired. 3 jobs....all on ME. I see a lot of overtime in my future. I'm figuring on 12 hour days next week, and the chances of me coming home at 8:30p after a 12 hr day and exercising aren't real good. But it is definitely in the near future. Week after next? That's the plan. I weighed myself this morning. 258.0 lbs. I've been this weight for several weeks now...just hanging out...losing nothing, but I finally stopped getting FATTER. Now I'm finally ready, after a 3 month hiatus, to start losing weight again and get my head back in the game. There's really only one reason for this. I'm completely miserable physically. That's it. That's the reason. I. Feel. Like. Shit....and I'm tired of it. Til next time my friends.... :)

I've Officially Lost My Mind

2011-03-01T19:44:00.000-05:00

I had lunch with my fabulous friend Kim this past Sunday and I made a commitment. It's something we actually said we would do last year, knowing it was coming up at the end of this year, but haven't talked about it in a few months. We have committed to walking a half marathon together this November in Savannah, GA. Yes, it's ONLY walking....not running....but I'm obese, so this seems like a big deal to me. 13 miles. I hope I don't die. I need to start walking soon. One minor problem. Work is still crazy busy, and I am so exhausted when I get home from work every night. The last thing I want to do is strap on some tennis shoes and head back out the door to exercise. I need to get over it. I'm committed now....and should probably also be committed somewhere that has padded walls. :)

Self-Love: Is There An App For That???

2011-02-24T14:15:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've ~~laughed at~~ talked about the concept of self-love on my blog. It's a concept I just don't get....no matter how hard I try to understand it. My friend Pam said to me a while back that if I don't learn to love myself, I'll never get the weight off and keep it off. She said "hate breeds hate". And nothing good or positive can come from that. While I see the point she's trying to make....I still don't understand how to rid myself of the self-hate for what I've done to my body...and replace it with self-love.

I even tried to get down to the basics and use one of those tricks I heard talked about on Oprah one day where you stand in front of the mirror and simply say, "I love you Tammy". That didn't work out too well. I couldn't even form the words. Here's why. It was a lie....and if there's one person I cannot lie to in the entire world...it's myself. I know myself. I know my mind...my thoughts and feelings, etc. And to look right at myself and tell myself that I love me is a big, fat lie. I can't look at myself in the mirror and only see the good side of me. I see the bad side, too. Doing this naked is especially effective. I look like the Michelin Man...a big, white tire stack of fat rolls. How can I love that? How can I love ME for making myself look like that? And for so many years?

It's going on 30 years now that I've been fat. Why? What's wrong with me? Why did I think this was ok? Why haven't I stopped the behavior and turned it around? What's taking me so long to do the mental changes to lose the fat and keep it off...instead of always re-gaining? All of the teasing and taunting and ridicule I suffered through the years.....even as recent as a few months ago when an elderly man referred to me as "Miss Piggy" in the grocery store when speaking to his young granddaughters.......why hasn't that been enough to make me want to change things for the better? Why is permanent weight loss such an elusive thing for me? Why do I always revert back to old ways, no matter how much progress I make?

I was in bed last night lying on my side with my huge, flabby stomach sprawled out on the bed beside me. I was groping it with my hands...feeling the circumference....the mind-boggling size of it...and remembering back to last year when I had made it down to 222 lbs. I was remembering how good I felt. I'm 5'10 tall, and at 222 lbs., I remember entertaining the idea that if I could lose 23 more lbs and get to 199, I may just stop and make that my goal. I was feeling THAT good, physically and mentally. I was HAPPY. Now I'm all the way back up to 258 lbs., and I'm just disgusted. I feel like I'm staring at a brick wall. Like I'm stuck in a cycle that I can't get out of, even though I thought I had the tools to fix this.

Maybe self-love plays a bigger part in this than I thought...so it might do me some good to actually learn how to apply it, attain it, learn it, something......because as of right now...I don't have those skills...I don't posess that quality....however you want to say it. I need an app for that. Tips, anyone??

Sick As A Dawg

2011-02-20T21:32:00.000-05:00

Oy. Dwayne had a nasty head cold last week and was out of work and laying half dead on my sofa for 4 days. He very kindly passed it along to me and boy has it been rough. I've done nothing but sleep for the last 2 days. Miserable. Back to work tomorrow. Billie can't handle everything in the ofc by herself, so I have to be there. Plus Scott told me on Friday that he's got some new stuff for me to do on Monday. My weigh-in was 258.0 Friday morning, so up .4 of a lb. from last Friday. I've been sitting in front of the computer for about 30 mins now trying to catch up on some blog reading. I am just sooo far behind on all of you. Forgive me. I'm trying to get caught up little by little. Take care everyone and I'll be back later in the week with an update, and hopefully with a less-clogged up head.

I Don't Even Have A Title For This

2011-02-16T12:40:00.000-05:00

So let me tell you what's going on with my Wednesday. I went to lunch at 11:30am, and just got back, only to find out that our system has failed here at work...failed miserably. Any work that I did from 8am-11:30am has disappeared into thin air. Everything that was saved to the electronic file on our computer system has vanished...been wiped clean. Every report...every new assignment...every attachment...GONE.

What does this mean? It means I get to RE-DO every stitch of work I did this morning all over again....plus stay late enough to do whatever NEW work comes in from now until 5pm. Oh the joy...I can hardly contain myself.

What else this week? Oh yes...Dwayne is sick as a dang dog with cold/cough/congestion in his chest, and he's been lying on my sofa for 3 days. Yesterday I noticed that I'm catching it....it tastes funny when I cough...I'm physically exhausted when I shouldn't be, etc. Big fun.

What's the near future looking like? In 2 weeks, on March 1st, we implement the new computer system that our parent company uses....that should bring a lot of big ~~headaches~~ surprises. Then 2 weeks later, in the middle of March, Billie goes on vacation FOR. A. WEEK. Did I mention that Billie & I are the only ones who run the ofc now since Staci got canned? And did I mention that I have no idea how to do Billie's job because I've had no time to learn it yet? That's because I've been learning/doing Staci's job PLUS my job. And I'm going to be left alone here to run the ofc by myself for an entire week. Comical, really.

What's after that??? Hmmmmm...let's see....Mid April we have our annual Atlanta Claims Convention where we host a suite with an open bar...that lasts Thurs and Friday. Then 2 weeks after that, May 1st, we move into a new ofc building. They have been in this current bldg for many, many years....so there's a LOT of packing and moving to do. A LOT.

So yeah...busy. And I'm sucking at the weight loss this week, in that I haven't had any. No gains either. I got on the scale this morning, squinting my eyes, scared of a gain, and saw the same thing I saw last Friday...to the penny. 257.6 lbs. So there you have it...my latest update. I'll be back later when I have a little spare time ***(rolls eyes while laughing uncontrollably)*** Take care friends. :)

It's A Start..

2011-02-11T09:04:00.000-05:00

Last week I was 260 lbs. This morning I'm 257.6 for a loss of 2.4 lbs. this week. Feeling good...glad it's Friday...and looking forward to a fabulous weekend. Hope all of you are too. :)

Catching My Breath

2011-02-09T21:50:00.000-05:00

It's been a crazy couple of weeks to say the least, but I think I can finally see daylight again. I've been working overtime, trying to learn my new job position, and me and Billie are now doing the work of 3 people. It's been ~~exhausting, maddening, insane~~ interesting.

The good news is my boss is happy. And that's putting it mildly. I think his exact words were "I feel like I can't live without you". How's that for a compliment? To my credit, I've been working DAMN HARD for that compliment. At least I feel like I have a teensy tiny bit of job security right now...for the moment...and that's a big deal in this economy.

I ate a carrot today. How pathetic is that, lol....it's been so long since I've eaten a raw vegetable that it's now a notable fact. Ok, I'm exaggerating a little, but the point is that I consciously ate something healthy for me, and avoided the convenience foods/fast foods that I've been stuffing my face with for the last 2 weeks. I can't even explain what I mean when I tell you I've been in a DEAD. RUN. for the last little while. Everything has been grab and go. Official grocery shopping has been sparse and meal planning has been non-existent. But this past weekend, I actually bought a big bag of carrots. And some navel oranges and bananas. Hey, it's a start.

I'm trying to corral my focus back to the weight loss thing again. Yes. Again. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll actually lose some weight and keep it off. So what if it's the 1000th time I've started over. I'm still here....the blog's still open...and that's got to count for something.

When I finally get a grip on my schedule/time, I'll get back around to more frequent posting, and leaving comments on YOUR blogs. I apologize for being absent...I still care about all of you....just been so consumed. I'm still reporting my weight each week though. This week I reported on a Thursday...I was up 3 lbs, so 259 lbs. I imagine it will be around the same this week, I'll see when Friday gets here. But I'm hoping to get some momentum going here in the next week and should see a drop soon. Until next time...take care friends. Big hugs to all of you. :)

Movin' On Up

2011-02-03T07:09:00.000-05:00

Up the scale, and up at work. I got on the scale this morning and I'm up 3 lbs. I've eaten every meal from a restaurant this week. I warned in earlier posts that things were crazy here at work, and only going to get worse. Well the boss fired Staci on Monday afternoon, and handed me her job on Tuesday, with a $2.50/hr raise. Now...all I have to do is LEARN HER ENTIRE JOB. I've been working overtime all week. Yesterday I put in 13 hours...from 7a-8p. Got here at 6:45am this morning. Sleepy. Need coffee. Still have a plan to grow Errand Fairy on the side even as I progress at this job....more details on that when I'm actually awake. Oh, and I noticed I lost a couple of followers this week. Too bad I don't care about that or I'd expand more on the subject. :) Have a great day friends. Things are rough now, but they're bound to get better. More later....

I Need A Vacation

2011-01-29T14:06:00.000-05:00

Didn't have time to post my weigh-in yesterday before I left for work, but you didn't miss anything exciting. I was 256 lbs. last Friday, and 255.8 lbs. yesterday, so I'm still maintaining. No weight loss going on around here. Just job stress. What I wouldn't give for a week away....at the beach...with Dwayne and Scarlette...and no phone calls from work.

I mentioned a little while back that the boss got pissed, threatened the jobs of 2 of my co-workers, and one of them was out job interviewing for something else. Well this week, the other one started lining up job interviews. If both of them leave I will be the ONLY one left in the office w/ any knowledge of what's going on...the bad thing is, I've only got 7 months of knowledge in the insurance adjusting business. Yikes. The boss is requiring me to be fully cross-trained in both of the other girl's positions....one is an admin, the other is the OFFICE MANAGER. In fact, our ofc manager was scheduled to go down to Ft. Lauderdale this week to learn the new computer system that our parent company is currently using. That was before she pissed off the boss by making a mistake he REALLY didn't like. So he yanked the trip from her and dropped it in MY lap. I flew down and learned way too much crap in 2 days time....Tues and Wed. Came back and told all of it to the other 2 girls....and they're not impressed. They don't like the new system...AT ALL. Both of them felt like they should have been sent to FL instead of me....beings that one has 10 yrs in the ofc, and the ofc mgr has 22 years. Did I mention I've only been here for 7 months?

As if things weren't already uncomfortable between me and the 2 of them....our boss called us all in the ofc on Thur and told us that one of the reasons he sent me down instead of them is he felt I'd be more open-minded towards change. They both looked at me. I was holding my breath & trying to act like I didn't notice that they were boring holes in the side of my head with their glare. Fun times at the ofc!!! And there's so much more fun to come!! Can I please have that vacation now??? Until next time....

A Quickie...Running Late!

2011-01-21T07:09:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note before I leave for work in an effort to get back to my Friday morning weigh-ins and actually post about it...good or bad.

This week is no bueno. I was 256 lbs. on Monday and I'm exactly the same this morning....256. Let's put a positive spin on this, shall we?

I finally stopped GAINING.

And I didn't cave in to smoking again like I've wanted to do every single day this week w/ work stress.

So there you have it...I'm a 256 lb. non-smoker headed into the office for another day of crazy. Have a good one friends. :)

Stressed!

2011-01-16T14:14:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness...last week was CRAZY. I mentioned in my last post we got a tiny bit of snow...4" in my area...but the ICE wreaked havoc. Usually if we get a little snow, it melts the next day. It's been a whole week and the ground in my backyard looks exactly the same as it did a week ago. I was driving home one evening after work and hit a big sheet of ice on the road and did a complete 360!! I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was blessed in that everyone else was going sooo slow that I managed to come out of it and get traction again without hitting anyone....but the adrenaline had me tied up in knots. I got home and Dwayne was here and I just busted out crying. I'm originally from FL. I don't like driving in the ice...I'm not used to it....it completely unnerves me. So we missed work Mon and Tues, and I had to drive in that crap Wed-Fri...it was a harrowing experience to say the least.

Next on the list of my stressful week....Friday at work SUCKED. Scott, my boss, had a MAJOR problem with 2 of the other girls that I work closely with in the office. Us 3 handle all of the clerical stuff. Well the other 2 made some mistakes and Scott pretty much lost it. He yanked our top 3 clients from one of the girls and handed them to me! Ack!! He also told me I will probably have to fly to Ft. Lauderdale next week and learn a whole new computer system....in 2 days....and come back and teach it to the other 2 girls. After one of the girls was threatened with losing her job on Friday...the one he yanked our top 3 clients from...she didn't waste any time saving her ass. She got on the phone w/ someone she knew was opening an ofc in March, and set up a job interview for this Tuesday.....it's one of our clients and I feel pretty positive she'll get the job. She said if she gets it, she'll take her vacation time, and then turn in her notice. If she's on vacation, who's going to train me on her position?????? Stressed is not the word.

The worst part of this is, I wanted to get my side business, The Errand Fairy, up and running as soon as I get some clients in and the word gets out. My plan was to get enough regular business to be able to go part-time at my current job....something I could have easily done in my current position. HOWEVER, if I end up with the other girl's job.....I won't be able to go part-time....it's a full-time job, and there's no way in the world Scott will let me go part-time. I loathe my job....I'm thankful I have one and my bills are pretty much paid....but I purposely started laying the groundwork in December to start my own business so I could get out of this job....and now I've got a lot more responsibility dumped in my lap. In order to make the Errand Fairy really work well, I'm going to have to eventually go part-time, so I'll be available some day time hours to do the Errand Fairy stuff....not everyone is going to want their stuff done in the evenings and on weekends. A lot of them will want it done during work hours while THEY are at work!! I'm stuck....I'm so stuck right now. And it's maddening. I am not a happy girl....AT ALL.

Lastly....I got on the scale this morning. Blech. I weigh 256 lbs. For the record, that means I've gained 13 lbs since the beginning of December. I completely gave up in December...I knew I would gain weight...just didn't realize exactly HOW much weight. Just thinking about it makes my brain hurt. I'm trying to cook up some food today to have on hand during the work week and try to get things back under control. My focus is not fully there...it's on the work situation....but ANY positive change at this point would be better than none at all. I broiled several pieces of tilapia today to have made ahead. I boiled some eggs for tuna salad. And I've got some shrimp thawing so I can sautee them later and throw in the frig to have on hand for shrimp po' boys. I bought some whole grain Naan bread at the store and some green leaf lettuce to make for a couple of shrimp po' boys for lunches at work. I'm making a conscious effort to get back on track.

Dwayne has been here WAY too much. I love him to pieces but one of my major problems with my weight loss has always been eating poorly when I'm around him. I have just got to make myself learn how to do it...how to separate our eating...cook 2 meals...not feel guilty if he doesn't eat what I cook...something...I don't know. I know it's my fault completely....not his. I know this. And I really have to zero in on this and figure it out and hold steady with a plan. He was off work and here every day from Dec. 17th to Jan. 3rd....then he went back to work for one day, and was off the next. Then the next week we had the snow/ice event, and he was here for Mon and Tues...now I hear he's off work for MLK day tomorrow...good grief!! Also, we were talking about trying to buy a house by next summer...so if we're going to be living together full-time....I am truly going to have to get a grip with living with someone who's the pickiest eater on the face of the planet...and someone who despises every vegetable known to man. Such a pain in the ass....but it has to be done.

I'm going to resume my weekly weigh-ins and reporting it every Friday again. I'm trying to get back in the habit of counting every calorie and weighing every bite of food. My goal is 1800 cals a day right now, and trust me when I tell you that is a serious reduction from what I've been eating for the last month and a half. Starting over is always hard...but it has to be done. I can't let myself get all the way back up to the 340 lbs. I used to weigh. As deflated as I feel right now...letting that happen would be more than I could handle. So I want to turn this around now before it gets any worse. Have a great day friends. :)

Snowed In

2011-01-11T20:03:00.000-05:00

Atlanta is hilarious. It rarely snows much here in Dixie, but I got 4 inches at my place a couple of nights ago and I have been house-bound for 2 days. We all missed work...nobody has been there to answer the phones. I'm sure when we get back in the ofc tomorrow, we're going to have a lot of pissed off clients. No...we don't have call forwarding.

Atlanta simply is not equipped with enough salt trucks and snow plows to keep all of "metro" cleared. I think they're doing all they can just to keep the expressways cleared. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm ready to go back to work. Crazy, I know...but I've had enough home time for now. Someone asked in a comment in my last post how the smoking was going. What smoking? Dwayne and I are officially non-smokers now. 11 days and counting. :)

I haven't had any calls yet for my new business...but I've got a couple of friends that say they're going to hire me soon. I'm anxious to get things up and running. I think word of mouth is going to be my best form of advertisement. It better be....since I can't afford to pay for any other kind, lol. Time for a cup of coffee...'nite friends. :)

Launching My New Website!!

2011-01-08T20:33:00.001-05:00

Check it out!!

http://www.tammyjortagus.com/

If you're a local reader and know someone who might benefit from my services, spread the word. And MANY, MANY thanks to Tina at Fat Girl Dives In for designing my website!!

Hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend! :)

One Week Marker

2011-01-07T09:31:00.000-05:00

Today is Day 7 of quitting smoking. I feel comfortable now calling myself a non-smoker. I feel positive I will never smoke again. I had this conversation with Dwayne last night and he's feeling the same confidence. Praise the Lord!! I didn't know if I was ever going to break free of that addiction. When you're stuck in it, it feels so hard to get out. But we've done it, with the Lord's strength, and I'm so proud of us!!

For an update on my side business, the Errand Fairy, my website is almost done. It was actually finished yesterday...but then we had a little blip. All of the tabs on my website disappeared last night, lol. Tina's going to get it fixed though, and I'm going to post the link here on my blog and on my sidebar when everything is A-OK. I really hope this business takes off and I can live my dream of being self-employed. I'm making a list of places to hang flyers to get my business some exposure. Some friends have suggested Senior Centers, gyms, grocerys stores, colleges around town that have a lot of non-traditional students, salons, dog groomers, high end apartment complexes, etc. I need to find the time to sit down and make a little map of the places I want to go. I also need to find the money to print off some flyers with my logo on it, lol. Sucks being broke. :)

As far as my weight goes....blah. Not going well. My focus disappeared at the beginning on Dec. and I haven't reigned it back in yet. More on that nasty subject later. Until then....have a fab Friday everyone. :)

A Little Girl Needs Our Help

2011-01-06T13:19:00.001-05:00

A little girl needs our help today, friends. Click on Mrs. FatAss' link and do what you can, please.

http://mrsfatass.com/2011/01/chickadee.html

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Breaking Free

2011-01-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

I'm on Day 5 of quitting smoking, and dare I say, it's getting a little easier? Dwayne and I used the gum for the first 3 days and it really didn't seem to be much help at all. I kept breaking down into crying fits every time I wanted to smoke and couldn't...and felt like I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was a seriously miserable feeling. Then Dwayne told me that quitting smoking is just as hard and just as addictive as heroine. That's NOT what I needed to hear. Obviously the withdrawals weren't as hideous as I would assume heroine withdrawals are....but they were bad enough that I knew I never wanted to do Day One over again...ever.

On the afternoon of Day 3, I went to Wal-mart on the advice of a friend and bought their brand of nicotine patches. My friend told me her husband quit smoking 3 years ago with the help of these specific patches...she said there was no need to buy the more expensive brand name patches. So I slapped one on yesterday morning...Day 4. Not to say that it wasn't still a difficult day...especially being surrounded by 3 other smokers here at work....but I can DEFINITELY say that it was worlds easier than with the gum. It was an amazing difference, for sure. I was much calmer yesterday than when chewing the gum.

Things are still difficult today...if I let my mind wander to a cigarette for more than a few seconds my chest starts to tighten and the anxiety comes on pretty fast, so I try to busy myself with something else and stay pre-occupied for other things. Of course, it's not helping that I've already been at work for an hour and a half and haven't had a single insurance claim come through my email yet this morning!! I need some work!!

I have also noticed that I'm eating more....I was afraid that whole hand-to-mouth habit was going to get me, and it has. I bought scale batteries and got on yesterday morning. Things are worse than I thought. So bad, that I can't bring myself to report my weight today. Give me a couple of weeks to get past the difficulty of the quitting smoking, and then I'll get back to reporting my weight. "First things first"...one of Leslie's AAisms. Thanks Leslie. :)

A co-worker, William, came in this morning and stopped at my desk to ask how I'm doing. I smiled a big smile and said, "I'm on Day 5.....I really think I'm going to make it this time...I'm going to be a non-smoker!" He smiled back, raised a triumphant fist in the air, and said, "I love your confidence! Oh, and, you ARE a non-smoker." Hmmm....yeah....I guess I am. Have a great day friends. :)

Dear. God.

2011-01-03T17:42:00.002-05:00

Quitting smoking is THE hardest thing I've ever done physically. Dwayne and I are both having a really hard time and we're on Day 3. We started with the Nicorette gum, and decided this afternoon it just ain't workin'. We went to Walmart and bought the patch. We'll be starting that tomorrow morning, and hope it doesn't cause any nausea. We really want to beat this for good. We're on Day 3, and are still pulling our hair out. Grouchy, grumpy, irritated, agitated....smoking was definitely more calming. You know you've got a bad addiction when you find yourself questioning if lung cancer is worth it. Pray for us friends as we push forward.

Addiction x 2

2011-01-01T01:42:00.000-05:00

When I first considered starting a weight loss blog in June of '09, I also thought about my smoking habit. Which one did I want to tackle first? I knew I wasn't going to try to beat both addictions at once....so I chose the weight. In my mind, I was closer to a heart attack or stroke due to obesity than I was lung cancer. So I started with the weight loss thing, and after a year and a half, haven't made a whole hell of a lot of progress. It started wearing on my mind this past fall....and I figured if I waited to lose the weight before I tackled the smoking at this point....well...let's just say I'm sucking at the weight loss thing and decided to give the quitting smoking a shot.

I have tried to quit smoking several times in the past, and obviously failed at that big time. The last time I tried was about 5 years ago. I'm ready to try again. I've been praying for the strength and resolve to actually do it this time, and never go back. If you're a praying person, I'd appreciate you sending some my way. As hard as it has been to beat the food addiction, I feel like the smoking one is worse in a lot of ways. But I'm 38 years old and it's beyond time I get this done.

I'm glad that Dwayne is going to do it with me. He went out to Walmart this evening and bought a box of the Nicorette gum to aid with the cravings. We also had a talk about how people tend to gain weight when they quit smoking, and he saw the stress in my eyes. He told me to just try not to stress, and we'll take it one day at a time...together. I'm glad I've got him.

I'm really looking forward to 2011. I think with a lot of hard work that my side business that I'm starting, The Errand Fairy, has real potential. My first goal is to gather enough steady clients to be able to go part-time at my current job. The next goal is to save up around $2500 as a down payment on a "new to me" used car. My current car is a 1992 Honda Accord and it's seen better days. Things are going wrong with it, and it's getting to where it's going to cost more to repair it than the car is actually worth. My third goal is to grow the business big enough to carry all of my bills, and be able to completely quit at my current job. I hope to reach all of these goals this year. It's exciting and scary all at the same time...but I'm ready for a new challenge.

Weight loss? I asked Dwayne to get the scale battery when he went to buy the Nicorette today, but he forgot it, lol. My best guess is that I'm around 250-255 lbs. right now, judging by the fit of my clothes. I know how bad that is, and I'm trying to focus my mind on not getting any fatter w/ this quitting smoking venture. I changed my goal about a month ago. Instead of trying to get to 170 lbs., my new goal is to just get out of the 200's...I want to see 199 lbs. on the scale. So I've got around 50-55 lbs to lose to get to goal. Some days it doesn't sound like much at all....other days it sounds equivalent to climbing Mt. Everest. I still want to lose the weight...I want to drop those 50 lbs. this year. I want to become a non-smoker, and stay that way, this year. And I want to start a business, become fully self-employed, and keep all the bills paid this year. These are the 3 main things I want to make happen this year...and I'm glad I've got this blog to share all of it as my year unfolds.

I hope all of you had a fun time bringing 2010 to a close. Dwayne and I stayed in tonight with Baby Scarlette, drank a couple of mimosas, followed by some coffee, cuddled up in front of the TV in our comfy little apartment. I'm looking forward to going to bed in a few minutes and waking up a non-smoker. Let's all pray I can keep it that way. Happy New Year, my friends. Let's make it a great one. :)

Getting Set Up

2010-12-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

Now that I've decided on a name for my personal assistant business, The Errand Fairy, I've been super busy trying to pull things together. Tina at Fat Girl Dives In is going to design my website, so I've been creating content in a word document for her. Lots of editing and fussing and trying to get it just so. I'd rather it be more personable than cold-sounding or ultra professional. I want it to reflect who I truly am.

Dwayne and I went to Office Depot last night and he bought me a planner/appointment book, a receipt book, and a mileage book to get me started. So sweet!! Today on my lunch break, I ran to the bank and set up another checking account as well as another savings account, aside from the ones I already have. I want to keep this side business separated from my current paycheck/bill paying activities, etc. for now. Next on my list to do this afternoon is to sign up for Google Check Out and PayPal as a means of taking VISA/MC as one of my payment methods. I don't understand how either of these work, so I've got to jump in, do some reading, figure it out, and get them set up. Just trying to get started is a lot of work!! But I'm so looking forward to this new venture for 2011. It feels positive...it feels good....it feels right. :)

My friends Kim and Crys have already vowed to hire me when I get up and running and I'm so thankful for that!! Having 2 clients before you even get your website up is encouraging, and I thank them for believing in me and wanting to help me get my business off the ground. If I've got any fellow Atlanta bloggers reading...call me!! lol

Hope everyone is doing well with easing into the new year. Personally, I've taken off like a shot! And I haven't forgotten that this is a weight loss blog, first and foremost. I'll get to Walmart this wknd to buy those scale batteries, pay the piper, and get that show back on the road, so you'll be hearing more about that soon.

Before I go, I want to share something with you that made me laugh out loud last night. I've got a blog friend named Matt, at Lots to Lose, listed on my blogroll. He commented last night on my post about naming my business The Errand Fairy. He said as soon as he read that in my post, his daughter came in and tried to sweet talk him into going to the store to pick up some junk food for her, and he turned to her and said, "I ain't your ERRAND FAIRY!!!" lmao .....LOVE IT!! Thanks for all of your support Matt, and to everyone else who has been wishing me well on my new endeavor. Have a fabulous day friends. :)

Scratch That

2010-12-28T08:49:00.001-05:00

Ok....so the last post I did stated that I found a business name. It was Dwayne's suggestion. We tried to do Right Hand Ma'am, as Pat at "ishitunot" suggested. But it was already taken....cool website too, by the way. So Dwayne was going off of that and suggested "Last Minute Ma'am"....with the thought process of last minute errands that people didn't have time to get to, etc. So I went to Go Daddy....bought a URL with my full name as the url address, and then chose the sublet name of Last Minute Ma'am for my company. About 2 hours later, I decided I hated it, lol. In and of itself, the name doesn't really work. It made more sense going off of Right Hand Ma'am...but nobody else would know that. So it stinks, and I'm dumping it.

I was laying in bed last night and thought of "The Errand Fairy". I just googled it when I got to work. Someone out in California has that name, but nowhere in metro Atlanta. So I'm going with "The Errand Fairy" as the company name, but when I tried to set up the email with yahoo, it was already taken, so I pluralized it. My email is now errandfairies@yahoo.com. Still got some other things to work out and will be working on that today! :)

Eureka!

2010-12-27T18:50:00.001-05:00

I think I've got the business name figured out. Sadly enough, it didn't come from any of my awesome followers....though I tried!! Right Hand Ma'am really struck me....as well as I'm On It!! Alas, I googled them, and both of those had already been taken as a name for a personal assistant business. I'm telling you....I've had 50 good ideas in the last 2 weeks that have ALL been previously confiscated. It's been maddening!

I was sitting here stewing at the computer....looking at the google screen...and finally got as basic as I could. I typed in "You Need Help" + personal assitant and lo and behold nothing came up....I thought I'd found it! But then I went on Go Daddy and found out that the URL is on backorder...my only chance of getting it is winning an auction. Forget that. So I went with Dwayne's idea of "Last Minute Ma'am".....I set up my url as my full name at Go Daddy...and my sublet company name is now "Last Minute Ma'am". I also set up a business email at YahooMail. It's called lastminutemaam@yahoo.com. Next I need to get with Tina to start getting the website set up.

By the way, I'm meeting Tina from Fat Girl Dives In and Crys from Bigger Than My Body this Wednesday after work for dinner....trying to get in touch with Kim to see if she can meet us, too....so excited!!! Tina is designing my website for me, and Crys said she'll be my best and most loyal client!!!! Kim also told me last week that she would definitely hire me to do some home organizing for her. Woo Hoo!! I'm off to a GREAT start!!

Thanks for ALL of your ideas...I truly appreciate your help...and can't wait to keep everyone updated on my new business venture. :)

Update On My New Business Name

2010-12-27T15:34:00.000-05:00

The update is that I'm still looking! Thank you so much for the suggestions that are starting to come in. I've been thinking on this for 2 solid weeks and can't believe how hard it is to come up with something that hasn't already been taken. I really love "At Your Service" that Kelly and Brenda suggested, but I googled it and there's already a couple of errand svcs in Marietta, Ga. that have that name...drats!! I wanted to throw out there that I was also considering using my initials as part of it from my first and middle name. "T.J.'s something or other...." Keep those ideas coming....surely we'll come up with something that nobody else has yet!! Thanks so much!! :)

All About My Life

2010-12-26T23:02:00.000-05:00

This blog has definitely transitioned over the last year and a half from a weight-loss inspired one, to all about my entire life. It's been an interesting ride to say the least. Lots of highs, lots of lows...it's all in here. I actually kind of like it like this....the "journaling" or blogging has provided an outlet I've never had before. Some things solve themselves simply by writing them out. Others are worked out from hearing the comments, ideas and suggestions from my dear blog friends. I've made some really close, fantastic personal friendships from this blog, too....and I think that's been the absolute best part. I want to thank all of you who read and/or comment for spending this last year and a half with me....and I can't wait to see what happens this year. I hope you'll come along for the ride. :)

What's on the horizon for 2011 thus far? Two things that I'll tell you briefly, and expand more on it later. The number one thing is Dwayne and I made a pact back in October to quit smoking the first of the year....so one more week, and we should be at each other's throats with our nicotine fits. Let's hope we both survive it, lol. We've both tried to quit several times in the past..separately...but now that we're around each other 24 hrs/day, I told him if I was going to quit, he was going to have to also, because I wouldn't be able to handle him smoking around me all the time. Since I gave him 3 months notice...he agreed. And he's sticking to it. He's going to buy some Nicorette gum for us to wean ourselves off the smoking....and then I guess we'll move to regular chewing gum. Naturally....being a FAT girl...my main concern (besides ripping his head off) is gaining MORE weight. We've all heard when you quit smoking, you trade it out with eating more. Probably the hand to mouth habit? Oh I really don't want to go there.....so pray for me friends. I really want to beat it this time...and not get any fatter in the process.

Speaking of fatter, the battery in my scale died 2 weeks ago. I want to 2 different Walmarts to replace it, and they were sold out. The last Walmart actually told me the batteries had been back ordered for nearly 2 weeks now. WTF?? Are scale batteries really that popular, lol...so anyway. Going to try to find one again before the new year gets here.

The 2nd bit of news for the new year is I'm starting up a side business. My HOPE and DREAM is to grow it big enough to eventually be able to quit my current job. My first goal is to get it big enough to go part time at work by this June. I hope I can do that in 6 months time, but I'm just going to do my best and see what happens. I have a friend in Charleston, SC who has a personal assistant/concierge business and I'm modeling my business after hers. Personal errands, etc.....the list of services I'm offering spans a wide variety of things. I'm setting up a free website and my FABULOUS friend Tina is helping me design it. Tina from Fat Girl Dives In is a graphic artist with mad skills....her resume is truly impressive. If you need any work done, don't waste your money going anywhere else. Go straight to Tina. She's the best. :) You can always contact her through her blog, listed on my blogroll.

I've asked several people for help naming the business (thanks Jack!) but haven't totally settled on one yet. So I'm throwing it out there.......got any ideas? Tina suggested "Go-to-girl-Atlanta"...but I googled it and found "Atlanta-Go-To-Girl"....and that's too close. I don't want to get confused with the other person, so I'm still looking. My favorite suggestion from Jack Sh*t was "Chore Whore" but somehow I don't think that will go over too well. Still makes me laugh out loud though. :) I want to figure out the name first, because it will be on my business cards, and I'm going to build the rest of my website around it, so throw your suggestions at me and if I pick YOURS....I'll be mailing you a little gift as a token of my appreciation. :)

I hope everyone had a very safe and happy holiday....MERRY CHRISTMAS to each and everyone of you....and only a week 'til the NEW YEAR is upon us. Wish me luck in my new endeavors...and don't forget to send me those suggestions for the business name based on a personal assistant/errand business. To give you an example....some of the ones in my area are called "Just In Time" and "Xtra Pair of Hands". Thanks everyone! :)

Top 50 Diet Blog Award...Me???

2010-12-23T08:02:00.000-05:00

I received an award? For a Top 50 diet blog from Diet Spotlight? Ummmm....you can all stop laughing now, lol..

Yeah...I know it's crazy. It's still an honor, no matter how misguided Diet Spotlight may be, lol. Here's the link showing all 50 blogs that were chosen. Congrats to all of my friends and fellow bloggers who also won!

http://www.dietspotlight.com/top-50-diet-blogs

This Is Getting Ridiculous

2010-12-20T14:15:00.000-05:00

My great aunt Voncille died a month ago. My aunt Terri died last weekend. While she was being buried, her father, who lay in the hospital with cancer, also died the same day. My best friend Shane, who I was roommates with for 5 years before he married, is at the hospital now with his dad who is dying. His dad has been in the hospital for 2 weeks now and is steadily getting worse by the day. One of my girlfriends, who is like me and has no human children...only doggie children, told me today that one of her babies is dying of a cancerous tumor.

I have never experienced so much death and dying during a holiday season before. This is too much. Too many of my loved ones are sad and suffering... and I'm sad. We all need some peace and prayers.

My Sweet Friend Tina

2010-12-17T09:36:00.000-05:00

I had dinner last night with Tina from Fat Girl Dives In. Can I tell you how much I love this girl? She's so much fun to be with...so easy to talk to...so down-to-earth, funny...no pretenses...just one of those genuine, caring people. Well last night I discovered another adjective to use when describing her...thoughtful. She brought me a gift to dinner, and I brought her one as well. I gave her 3 little loaves of Christmas bread in a basket with a holiday cup and hot chocolate to enjoy. She gave me 2 big bags of FRESH PRODUCE from the Farmer's Market. She had read a blog post I wrote a couple of weeks ago saying I wouldn't be buying any groceries this month because I needed every last penny to buy Christmas gifts for my family and Dwayne and Scarlette. I wrote that I had plenty of food in the freezer and pantry to make it through the month....it just wouldn't be very balanced with no fresh produce. So that was her Christmas gift to me....just so thoughtful...makes me want to cry!!! I love my gift...and brought some fruit with me to work today....fresh fruit...oh how I've missed you!! I also have some fresh veggies at home now that I get to cook up later tonight after my dinner with my other awesome friend, Kim. I'm very blessed and thankful to have such good friends in my life...and I want everyone else to know just how awesome they are, too. :)

Enjoying the Season

2010-12-15T08:44:00.000-05:00

Just dropping in to say hi real quick. I've been busy baking all kinds of Christmas cookies and breads for gift baskets for friends and family. I'm meeting Tina at Fat Girl Dives In tonight for dinner and Kim at All About the Bottom Line for dinner on Friday. Very excited about getting to spend some quality time with my friends during the holiday season. I hope all of you are enjoying the season, too! :)

Remembering Aunt Terri

2010-12-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

My Aunt Terri lost her battle with breast cancer this weekend and was laid to rest today. It's been a reminiscent weekend.....fond memories mingled with tears. Don't really feel like talking about anything else right now, other than to remind you to hold your loved ones near, let them know they're appreciated and treasured, and remember that you can never say "I love you" too many times. Take care friends.

New Goal Weight

2010-12-08T16:33:00.000-05:00

I just updated my stats on my sidebar with last week's weigh-in. I also updated my goal weight. I changed it from 170 lbs. to 199 lbs. Why? Because I was sick of staring at 170 and it feeling so far away...and, just because I can. :)

S.A.D.

2010-12-07T18:37:00.000-05:00

I wonder if I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I first wondered this last winter, having never experienced it before. I might have blogged about it...I don't remember now. But I think I just chalked up the unexplained sadness to being on unemployment for so long. This time, I have a job...and while things are still hard, they're not as hard as they were last year, yet I'm having the same feelings. I broke down and cried at my desk today at work for no apparent reason. I really wonder if it's simply the cold and the grey. It's weird because winter has always been my favorite season. The colder the better....and it also encompasses my favorite holiday...Christmas. I'm sitting here at home now, surrounded by my Christmas decorations and the lights twinkling on the tree. The heat is set on 70 and is running, but it's in the 30's outside. I am freezing my ass off. I can't seem to get warm enough...and the sadness is overwhelming and unexplained. This totally sucks. I need to be finishing my baking for the baskets I have to deliver this wknd and I just can't seem to drag myself to the kitchen to do it.

Leslie texted me a few minutes ago just to see how I was doing....and I told her I was trying to talk myself out of ordering Chinese food. I'm sitting at 1300 cals right now and haven't had any dinner yet. I'm a little scared to eat anything, because I'm afraid whatever I choose is going to be the wrong thing, and too much of it...for all the wrong reasons. I crawled out from under my blanket and got off the couch to come to the computer and blog about this crap. Is it even possible to have SAD when you're already on Zoloft? That doesn't seem right. Maybe that's not what's wrong....but this feeling has been looming for the last few days and it finally overwhelmed me today and brought me to tears. And I have the ridiculous desire to eat bad, bad things. Just the thought of that brought me to tears again a few minutes ago. I hate having this food addiction. This is my favorite season of the year...the time that I should be the happiest. And I'm just not right now.

I've been thinking about something Allan said several weeks back in a post, about treating his weight problem like Fat Cancer. He gives it that level of seriousness to get the weight off as quickly as possible, eating around 1200 cals. a day. He's dropped a ton of weight and has held fast to his plan. I have really tried hard over these last few weeks to get that kind of mindset for myself...Fat Cancer....and I can't seem to grasp it. I fail so easily....and have for such a long time, and it's very discouraging. I haven't lost any weight in an entire year. I'm about the same thing now that I was at this time last year. I keep asking myself why...what is wrong with me? Do I not want it bad enough? I start to think that's what it is...but then try to put on a pair of pants to go to work in the morning and they don't fit right now. Then the feeling of disgust moves in...and I think that yes, I do want to lose the weight....but back to why haven't I?

Then I think about one of Chris' posts at A Deliberate Life a while back about cleaning out your chicken coop. She said that you're never going to get the weight off and keep it off if you don't dig down and get to the root of the problem....the reason you let yourself get obese in the first place. I've scratched around and scratched around, and I can't find out what the heck is in my coop full of poop. What is it? I can't seem to find it? Is it possible to be that friggin' fat and not have a reason? That doesn't seem right....but if it is, that's even more maddening.

Ok, so I know I'm rambling....just trying to keep from eating, so decided to blog instead. Still no answers, but I'm still at 1300 cals today. Thank God for that. I think I need to go to bed soon. 'Nite friends, and thanks for listening.

Final Challenge Weigh-In

2010-12-05T11:44:00.000-05:00

This morning was the final weigh in for the Phase 2 of Allan's Challenge. I was up 8 lbs. last week....this week I lost 7 of those lbs for a weigh-in of 243 lbs. Yay! I've got lots of baking to do today to start getting out my gift baskets...hope everyone else is having a GREAT weekend!! :)

I've Been Tagged

2010-12-02T09:33:00.000-05:00

One of my most favoritest people in the world, Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing, tagged me in a recent post. She gave me 4 questions to answer. Normally I suck at receving awards, passing them on, answering these types of questions, etc....but since it's YOU Leslie, I'll play along today. :)

1. Who has had the most influence in your life and why?

Aside from God, my Saviour, the answer is hands down, my parents. They are amazing. You just couldn't ask for any better. They've taught me valuable lessons...helped me when I needed it w/o handing me everything on a silver platter....both have excellent work ethics...both have always told me I can do anything I want to do..the sky's the limit....both believe in me fully and support my every endeavor...especially the one to lose weight. Mom has a heart the size of Texas and I learned compassion for others through her. I remember when I was a child...one of my sister's friends Mom was having a hard time financially. She was going through a divorce, was raising 3 kids on her own (maybe 4...can't remember exactly..I was young)...but what I DO remember is that mom wanted to help her out...so she sold the lady her car...for $1.00. Even at such a young age, I remember that totally blew me away. It's just one example of thousands through the years where my mom has given of herself to help others. I learned it from her.

My dad is equally as amazing. I don't know another man on the face of this earth with the strength of character that my dad has. What's always impressed me about him is he's as honest as they come. If you ask him a question, he'll tell you the truth every time, whether it hurts or not. He believes that honesty is more important than saving your feelings, and in my lifetime, that's been hard to find. It means I can always count on him, no matter what...and I cherish that feeling. My parents, now both in retirement, are now helping to raise their 5 grandkids the same way they raised me and my 2 sisters. Me, my sisters and my nieces and nephews are so blessed to have them. They are a treasure to all of us....still married after 38 years...loving, disciplining, encouraging...a special commodity today. I am blessed, indeed.

2. What is your favorite quality about yourself....and what would you change about yourself?

My favorite quality is the one derived from my mom...compassion and a desire to help others. I truly care about others and want to do all I can to help in any way I can. It gives me joy to help someone who truly needs it. My blessing has also always been my curse. Helping others to the point of giving the shirt off of my back or my last dollar leaves me with ....well...no shirt and no dollars. lol. Ironically enough, my mom...the one who I learned to help others through....has also been the strongest one in telling me to learn how to say "no" sometimes. I've done a lot better with this over the past few years and came to learn the truths and value in what she meant in not giving to the point of hurting myself.

What I would change....is my lack of self-discipline and lack of consistency and focus in the weight loss department. I read where Allan commented in one of his posts recently that if you've been in the weight loss blogging forum for a year and you haven't lose any weight or made much progress, that's not good. Yeah...no shit. lol So this is one of my most glaring flaws and the one that really needs changing the most in my opinion.

3. When was the last time you cried?

Let's see....that would be Monday night, lol. On my cycle, in a tremendous amount of pain, and the mood is straight from Hell. Scarlette kept me up til 3:30am Sunday night w/ barking, etc...so only 3 hours of sleep before work on Monday....no bueno. By Monday night I was exhausted, in a shitty mood, and Dwayne said something that rubbed me the wrong way. So I went to bed and cried.

4. Best vacation ever?

I can't pick just one...but I'll sum it up by saying any/all beach trips to Hilton Head, SC with Dwayne. Special times. :)

I Love This Season

2010-12-01T09:31:00.000-05:00

I've got classic Christmas songs playing softly on my computer now here at work...ahhhh. So happy. :)

Time to get down to the nitty gritty with my budget this last month of the year. I budget $100 for groceries out of each of my 2 checks per month. Instead of buying groceries this month, I'm using that $200 to wrap up all of my Christmas shopping. I'll be eating what's already in my pantry, fridge and freezer. There's enough food to last for the month....just won't be very balanced meals due to running out of fresh produce soon. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Dwayne bought some baking supplies for me, so I'll be starting my holiday baking this weekend. I bake 2x a year....one weekend in the Fall, I make a couple of pumpkin rolls. I kept half of one at home for Dwayne, and gave the other half of that one to his mom. The other one I brought into work for my co-workers to enjoy. The other baking time is during the month of December. I bake cookies and mini loaves of Christmas bread as well as make chocolate-covered popcorn and chocolate-covered pretzels w/ sprinkles. It is a LOT of work, very time-consuming...and I love doing it this time of year. I make baskets filled with the homemade goodies and shrink wrap them, then tie them up with a big, beautiful bow and an ornament attached.

This year I'll be giving one to my parents, one to my sister Brandy and her husband, and one to my sister Amy. Also my sweet friend Kim, my supervisor and friend Billie and her husband (my ex-roommate) Shane, and my friend Melissa and her husband Aaron, and their precious little 4-year old daughter, Abby.

This is such a blessed time of year. There is a certain magic in giving from the heart...I encourage you all to do as much giving as you can. Make a difference in someone else's life this beautiful holiday season. :)

That's What I Thought

2010-11-30T08:50:00.000-05:00

I reported a gain of 8 lbs this week, weighing in on Sunday at 250 lbs, and reported it in my last post. I didn't freak out about it, because I knew it was mostly due to my cycle....which is still going strong this morning. Nothing like the feeling of an elephant tap dancing on your ovaries. I also knew part of it was due to some serious sodium ingestion from eating every meal out for 2 days while Christmas shopping with Dwayne on Friday and Saturday. I knew that I made decent choices in the restaurants...for example, we went to Marietta Fish Market on Friday. Dwayne had the fried flounder sandwich and I chose grilled grouper. After 2 good days of being on plan and drinking ALL of my water both days, I hopped back on the scale this morning. Back down to 246...just as I thought, the sodium is releasing, and I'm back to dealing with the cycle gain as expected. I can NOT wait til this wknd gets here so I can start feeling back to normal and not like a puffer fish. :)

I've Got Mad Skillz

2010-11-28T10:28:00.000-05:00

Today was weigh-in day for the Allan's challenge and I gained 8 lbs. How's that for talented? Here's a recap of my awesome weekend...

Thanksgiving was a success. I went to Mom's for a couple of hours, ate 1 moderate plate, plus one more spoon of potato salad. There was turtle cheesecake, pecan pie and pumpkin pies for dessert...I had one teensy bite of my sister's cheesecake and that was IT for my dessert. The only leftovers I brought home for myself was a small bit of turkey. Extremely proud of myself....extremely.

As you all know, I struggle w/ a monstrous, painful cycle 2 weeks out of every 4 weeks, every single month. I have PCOS. The only "cure" for it is to lose a massive amount of weight. Ha.

I started my cycle last Sunday night...weighing in at 242 that morning for the challenge. By Tuesday morning I had full-on bloat and the scale said 246....I ate 1800 cals that Sun, and 1200 that Monday....so I knew the 4 lb. gain was all water, and I wasn't upset over it....just felt like sh*t, physically. The next time I got on the scale was Friday morning, after Thanksgiving dinner. I was 246 lbs...no change.

Moving onto Friday and Saturday. Dwayne and I had a fantastic time together this weekend. We shopped for 6-7 hours on Friday, and another 6 hours of shopping on Saturday, and we ate EVERY meal in a restaurant for 2 days. Water? What's water? I drank almost none. Instead, I've had 2 Cokes, too much of the 60 calorie, no sugar added, Swiss Miss hot chocolate, and lots of coffee w/ creamer....with a little water thrown in.

I'm in mid-cycle now...one week down, one week to go...and this is the point where my mood normally goes downhill very fast. Still having terrible cramps....major lower back and ovary pain....and I'm sooo over it, but can't do anything about it for another week. However, my happiness from my weekend with Dwayne is actually overriding the normal bad mood and bad attitude that mid-cycle always provides.

He helped me with some Christmas shopping money....we found some fantastic sales....he bought me some new clothes that I've desperately needed., etc. Dwayne doesn't follow a budget, he just buys whatever, whenever. His last phone was $300. Well it finally died Saturday, so he ran to the store to get a new one. Following MY budgeting skills (finally!).....he chose $150 phone instead of the $300 one. I was quite impressed and happy that he's paying closer attention to his money. He was out doing some of his own Christmas shopping, while I was out buying the clothes he gave me money for, and hitting some different sales for Christmas shopping on my own. After 6 hours, we met back up at home and he told me about the phone. He knows that I always buy the least expensive phone I can find in the store. The last one I bought was $80...and it works just fine. He told me he say a $100 phone on sale for $50 and really wanted to buy it for me as an early Christmas present.....so back out we went and bought the phone. It was very sweet of him...and I'm thrilled with a few new tops, 2 new pair of pants, a new pair of shoes, and a new phone.

We decorated our little apt together this weekend for Christmas and it's just adorable. I found a CD at the Dollar Store....the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra...and it's playing quietly in the background. The lights on the tree are twinkling....and despite the cramps....I am happy.

Am I bothered by the 8 lb. gain? Sure...of course I am. But I am not wallowing in guilt over it. I know that getting back to drinking 180-200 oz. of water a day will take care of a lot of it.....my cycle ending next weekend will take care of some more of it. And I've had such a good weekend with Dwayne and Scarlette that this just happens to trump any bad feelings I have over that gain. I know I didn't gain 8 lbs. of fat...I know what I did wrong w/ ingesting so much sodium in the restaurant foods and drinking next to no water...so I know how to turn it around. I also know I set a plan for my Thanksgiving dinner....one of moderation...and I stuck to it. For that, I am extremely proud.

More shopping today....we're heading out shortly....and then it's back to business. I hope everyone else is having a fabulous weekend, too. :)

Up 4 lbs...and Doing Ok

2010-11-24T09:34:00.001-05:00

My original title to this post was Up 4 lbs...and Happy. Then I erased "happy" and just put "doing ok". I can never really say I'm "happy" when I'm only 3 days into a nearly 2 week cycle. Physically, I feel like crap...a lot of pain and heaviness and general "yuck" feeling. However....the reason I'm ok with being up 4 lbs is I know it's ALL from the cycle bloat. Every time I start, I'm up 4-5 lbs within a couple of days. I've been tracking it long enough to know now. I may not especially like it, but it doesn't piss me off like it used to.

My goal for weekend calories is the goal I started this challenge with...to eat at the calorie level that I will be ~~stuck with~~ have when I reach my goal weight. I am 5'10 and my goal weight is 170 lbs, so my maintenance level is 1870 cals. I weighed in at 242 lbs. Sunday morning. By the afternoon the serious cramping had started and I knew what I was in for. I came in right at 1800 cals. on Sunday. On Monday I came in at 1200 cals on the nose. I've also drank all of my liquids...water and coffee. I knew when I woke up Tuesday morning that I had full bloating going on. I hopped on the scale to confirm it...yep...246 lbs.

Monday night I had a few things to cook for our Thanksgiving luncheon at work. I was up pretty late making broccoli, cheese and rice casserole....bread stuffing....baking sweet potatoes and making a sweet potato bake with them, baked a pumpkin roll w/ pecans and cream cheese filling....plus 2 loads of dishes through the dishwasher. Tuesday morning I got up at 5am and made a pan of baked mac 'n' chz....took down all of my Fall decorations, packed them up and loaded them along with all the food into the car.

Got to work and we set up everything buffet style....with the racks and the pans with the water in the bottom, setting the smaller food pans inside, with lit Sterno underneath. Decorated the tables and the office, lit some seasonal candles....and everyone showed up to eat at 12:30p. My plan was the same plan I have for Thanksgiving at Mom's house on Thursday. One plate w/o any major piling....not the 2-3 plates I would normally eat....and no leftovers going home. (I had one of those 230 cal. Jimmy Dean breakfast bowls at 7am).

Billie and Staci also cooked food for our get together, and some people brought in some store bought items as well. Here's what all we had yesterday:

Baked mac 'n' chz
Broccoli, cheese and rice casserole
Bread Stuffing
Sweet Potato Bake
Cornbread Dressing
Gravy
Turkey Breast (Boston Market)
Ham (Honey Baked Hams)
Deviled Eggs
Green Bean Casserole
Asparagus
Corn Souffle
Mashed potatoes
Cranberry sauce
Pumpkin pies
Petit Fours
Truffles
Chocolate-dipped strawberries
Carrot Cake
Cheesecake
Pumpkin Roll
Hawaiian rolls
Parker House rolls

I did almost exactly as planned. I had one moderate plate w/ turkey, a tiny piece of ham, and a small spoon of the broccoli & rice, mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole (less than 1/2 c. each). One deviled egg & 1 roll. And then a spoon of my sweet potato bake that served as my dessert. That's it...didn't touch the rest of the stuff on the buffet table or dessert table. For a Thanksgiving meal, this is moderation for me and I'm proud of it. The "almost" part comes in with taking a small bowl of leftovers home for dinner. After 5 hours of sleep the night before and being busy all day I was exhausted and there was no way I was cooking. Not at all. I put some food in a small tupperware bowl...it equaled less than the amt of food I ate at lunch, plus it was shared with Scarlette. I felt good about the day...but just to make sure my thinking wasn't too skewed, I got on the scale again this morning. Said the same thing....246 lbs...no gain, not even from sodium. Apparently I didn't eat enough of the casseroles for the sodium in them to affect me, and that's awesome.

Also, after doing so well with my plan of moderation yesterday....I'm not near as worried about eating at Mom's now. If I did well yesterday, I'll do well again tomorrow. It also helps that I keep thinking of Allan's phrase in my mind..."first it's food, then it's poop"...lol. Kind of simplifies things, while also taking some of the allure away. :)

I totally meant to take pics yesterday, but just forgot my camera with the rush of getting all the decos and food in the car and getting to work. I did remember it this morning though, and I'm shooting for another 1200 calorie day today. I took a pic of my breakfast....a Jimmy Dean breakfast bagel...and will post it along with my other food pics from the day later tonight.

By the way....regarding the 1200 calorie/day thing I'm doing right now....this is not for life. It may not last through next week. I don't know. I'm just messing around with different stuff right now. I intrigued myself the first day I actually did it w/o starving to death and that made me want to do it again the next day. Then I got on the scale and started to see the #'s drop after only 2 days, and that fueled my fascination. I ended up with a 6 lb. loss last week and it was worth dealing with the hungry feelings most of the week. I had one weird day last week where I was under the 1200 and wasn't hungry. Not sure what was up with that, but the honest revelation about the rest of the week is that 1200 a day is damn hard to stick to. Most days you ARE hungry...and it sucks. Nobody likes that feeling. But I'm trying to keep that in perspective, and Allan is helping with that, too. He talks about starving people in third world countries....and what do we really have to complain about? The little bit of hunger you have to deal with at 1200 cals isn't even worth mentioning when you think of it in those terms. So....I'll do the 1200 cals/day for as long as I feel like torturing myself a little....as long as I continue to be amazed by the fact that I'm actually being this regimented....and also amazed with the scale results.

I can go back to 1870 cals/day...the original rules of this challenge...whenever I feel like it. Still just taking it day by day....one day at a time seems to work best for me. My brain can't handle looking too far down the road. So far, Sun-Tues have been good days....I'm a little anxious about the next 4 days being spent with Dwayne thanks to the 4-day holiday weekend. Those will most probably be 1870 days....I don't even want to TRY to stay at 1200 when I'm around him. My head might explode from all THAT stress and I'm not even going there.

I hope you all have your Thanksgiving plans firmly in place. Don't be too anxious....it's just food, and then it's poop. :) Enjoy your loved ones friends...and I'll be back later tonight with food pics. :)

Oh! And Allan offered us a "No Coddling" badge for Friday....the day after the Thanksgiving, and most assuredly where we'll be reading about all of those people who did NOT stick to their plan....or who flat out chose to eat as they normally would...with no diet in mind. I don't judge....it's up to each person how fast and in what way they want to lose their weight....it's none of my business...and I'm not cool with judging peoople for ANY reason. With that said, I don't think I'll be coddling people either to make them feel better afterwards. We're all going to make conscious decisions at the Thanksgiving table...and we all get to own them on Friday...and again on weigh day....including myself. Here's my badge:

Monday's Food Pics

2010-11-22T20:53:00.000-05:00

I'm busy cooking for our Thanksgiving luncheon at work tomorrow so this will be a quick post.

Breakfast - 230 cals.

Salad w/ grilled chicken and light blue cheese dressing - 350 cals.

Sweet potato - 103 cals.

Apple - 80 cals.

Dwayne took the day off and I knew he'd be at home waiting on dinner. I picked up a rotisserie chicken and made him some noodles when I got home. I just had some of the chicken...nothing else. I came in right at 1200 cals. today. I've had 154 oz. of water...(4) 5 oz. c. of coffee and 2 mugs of hot tea. Another good day in the books. 'Nite friends. :)

Thanksgiving Week? Really???

2010-11-21T21:52:00.001-05:00

Warning...I'm in a crappy mood. Glad we got that out of the way. :)

I did the first week of Allan's Phase 2 challenge. My goal was to stay at or under 1870 cals/day. I decided to try out 1200 cals/day and drink 200 oz. of water for a few days this week...I think it was Tues-Fri...I don't remember now. My goal for the weekends is to follow the original allotted cals/day...1870. Sat I came in at 1700. This week was a total success. I lost 6 lbs. I went from 248 last Sun to 242 this morning. Yay. lol....

Seriously....I've been trying to be happy about this all day. I've been looking forward to it...I wanted to jump up and down. But I can't. I started my cycle today and I know it's here for almost 2 weeks. Yes...I bitch about this every month...and will probably continue to, since I post about my daily life here...not just weight loss. My cramps are soooo much like contractions. They just double me over in pain. My mood goes right in the toilet....but to ADD to the normal b.s....it's on Thanksgiving week...the week when things are going to get REALLY busy and stay that way pretty much through the end of the year.

I've been looking at my budget for Christmas shopping for my family. I bought my 5 nieces and nephews a few things from the Dollar Store. They're all under the age of 5 so I can get away with it w/o too much guilt. Now I'm looking at the budget for my 2 sisters, bro-in-law, mom, dad...and of course Dwayne and Scarlette. My parents and Dwayne are the ones that I really feel sad about. I am EXTREMELY THANKFUL for my job. I was out of work for nearly a year and a half after getting laid off from my last Accounting job. I have not forgotten how much living on the gov't cheese SUCKED. I have not forgotten the depression of feeling like life had forgotten me, while sitting inside my house, day after day, praying that someone would choose my resume out of the thousands that were just as desperate as I was. I have not forgotten. With that said...I make very little money. I make $1/hr more an hour than I made on unemployment...and w/ Shane (my old roommate) getting married...the bills are HIGHER than they were on unemployment. If it wasn't for the Zoloft, I'd be in tears every day like I was. I'm not crying...but boy is the stress there. I want to get stuff for my parents and Dwayne...the most special people in my life, because they've always done so much for me and they deserve something nice in return. I love them so much...and Christmas is that time of year that you get a chance to really say "thank you". I've always been one of those that got so much out of the giving...caring very little about the receiving. My budget is scarce...and it stresses me and makes me sad. It's moreso when the damn monthly cycle kicks in, so this is where my head is out right now.

I found out we're having a Thanksgiving dinner at work this week on Tuesday. I'm bringing some dishes, along with the other people in the office. With some of our adjusters coming in from the field, we'll have about 20 guys to feed. Gotta' work that into the plan, along with the Thursday Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Also...as stressed as I've been about the weekend eating with Dwayne....it finally hit me today that I have a 4 day weekend coming up off of work.....4 days with Dwayne. Oy.

None of this is the end of the world...I know that. It's just my own little stress bubble...a time when I really need to buckle down, focus, concentrate....and unfortunately, my mind wants to do the exact opposite. I want to go to bed and have someone wake me up after New Year's. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I wish I could do more for Dwayne and my family. I wish I made more money. I wish I didn't have a food addiction. I wish food was calorie-free. I wish I didn't give a damn about weighing a deuce and a half.

But I do. I do care. I know what needs to be done. I want to say that I'd be happy if I just manage to maintain this week...but that would be a lie. I know what I'm capable of....which means I have it in me to see a loss this week IF I make myself do what needs to be done. Wouldn't a loss on Thanksgiving week be a fantastic thing....especially knowing you'd be one of the few. I've already heard several people say they're giving up til next week...and I heard a couple people say they're giving up til after Christmas. I have lost and re-gained the same 25 effing lbs over the course of this year until I'm friggin' sick of it. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of writing the same sh*t over and over. It's time for a change. A positive change. I'm starting off the week on the heels of a 6 lb. loss. Let's see if, in spite of everything going on, physicially...mentally...emotionally.....let's see if I can build on that loss. Now THAT would give me a reason to smile. :)

I hope each of you has a plan for Thanksgiving week. Doesn't matter too much what it is...moderation, portion control...1 plate instead of your normal 3 plus leftovers....calorie counting...points counting....doesn't matter. But you need to have SOME kind of plan. If your plan is to wait until after the holidays, nix that plan right now and formulate a new one. Care enough about yourself to not find yourself 20-30 lbs. heavier in 6 weeks. Do what I'm going to do...one day at a time....the best choices you're able to make each day. You just might amaze yourself. :)

Panic Mode

2010-11-19T19:48:00.000-05:00

The weekend is here....time to panic. This is where everything always goes downhill. I go into every weekend with a "plan"...but rarely does it work out. When you've got someone else involved in your wknds, things can go awry...and they usually do for me. I have to weigh in for the challenge on Sunday morning. Let's pray things go smoothly for me tomorrow and I can stay on track. I think expecting myself to stay under 1200 on weekend days is, quite frankly, laughable. The goal for me is going to be my maintenance calories, the ones I started the challenge with....1870. Here's my food pics for the day...I have the calorie counts but just don't feel like posting it. I came in under 1200 because I didn't eat all of my dinner. My stomach has been in knots all day....I don't know why.

2 eggs, 1 egg white, 1/8 c. cheese, veggies

8 oz. shrimp on salad w/ 60 cals olive oil/vinaigrette dressing

Sweet potato

The sandwich platter that my supervisor picked up at Costco today for lunch for all of us....turkey, ham, roast beef sandwiches on croissants w/ cheese and mayo spreads.....this hurt, lol. If you want to know if I ate any, see the shrimp salad above. :)

Apple

1 c. 100 calorie Barilla pasta sauce with mushrooms, onions, bell peppers and spinach over 2 c. of spaghetti squash (42 cals/cup).

This is how much of my dinner that was left...stomach hurting today...couldn't eat anymore...but it was DELISH.

Have a good weekend everyone. :)

I'm So Stoopid

2010-11-18T18:30:00.001-05:00

Guess what? I forgot I have diabetes. Since I've lost nearly 100 lbs, my #'s are normal now...so it makes you think you don't have it anymore. My dr. corrected me on that one time. Mine is hereditary...it is under control with my diet now...I no longer take any meds for it, but he told me I'll always "have it".

Since my #'s have been normal, and are never in the high range anymore...I've discovered something I didn't know before. Your sugar can also DROP....your #'s can go TOO LOW. This doesn't happen often, but it has happened a couple of times. It's been a while though, so it took me FOREVER to figure out what in the hell was wrong with me today.

It started with a headache....then I was dizzy....then I noticed my hands and feet were freezing. I never freeze...in fact, they usually keep it WAY too warm in my office. It wasn't until I was in the car and driving home that I put all 3 symptoms together....ding ding ding!! My sugar was too low!! I quickly calculated my calories for the day in my head....I had around 750 or so by 5pm. Doh!! Soooo sleepy driving home...knew I HAD to eat....was thinking I need to grab a pack of crackers or something, but had already passed the ONE gas station between work and home. The only restaurants in the closes vicinity between work and home are a Red Lobster, a Dunkin' Donuts, Popeye's fried chicken, and a Chic-fil-A. SHIT.

Thank God the commute home is usually only 20 mins or so. Also glad that I already had dinner cooked and waiting in the frig. I popped it in the microwave and ate. That was about half an hour ago....still have a headache, still sleepy, and still freezing my ass off. But now that I've eaten things will improve. As of right now, I'm at 1093 cals for the day. I need to decide if I'll spend another 100 cals on food or my usual decaf coffee w/ creamer. I'm thinking food will be the smarter idea tonight.

1200 cals is enough for a diabetic...if you actually EAT. The danger is letting too much time go between the meals. I had lunch at 11am. I had some baby carrots at 2pm.....but by 5pm, things had gone way downhill today. I need to think more about spacing out my calories better. My breakfast this morning was under 200. Maybe I need to bulk that up to give myself a better start. Who forgets they have diabetes???? Feeling pretty stoopid right now.

These are awesome...tried them for the first time today after seeing them on someone else's blog.

Cooking breakfast...I do NOT do this every morning...I move too slow in the mornings.

7:30am

See there....took too long to cook, so not enough time to eat before leaving home....took it to work and ate it at my desk. :)

4 egg whites w/ a touch of mustard for color/flavor - 68 cals.

1/3 c. turkey sausage crumbles - 40 cals.

onions/mushrooms/bell peppers - 40 cals.

1/8 c. 2% cheese - 45 cals.

Breakfast total - 193 cals.

11am

salad - 50 cals.

8 oz. shrimp sauteed in Pam olive oil cooking spray - 240 cals.

2 Tbsp. olive oil vinaigrette dressing - 60 cals.

Lunch total - 350 cals.

2pm

15 baby carrots - 45 cals.

5:30pm

6 oz. chicken breast - 180 cals.

a whole bag of Steamfresh veggies - 120 cals.

1 slice 2% American cheese - 45 cals.

1 Tbsp. Heinz 57 - 20 cals.

Dinner total - 365 cals.

Total for the day so far: 1093

I had 120 oz. of water at work today....drinking another 32 oz. glass right now. Also had (4) 5 oz. c. of coffee at work.

I was a lot hungrier today than I was yesterday. I also didn't drink as much water today...that might have something to do with the fullness factor. As far as the diabetes goes, filling yourself up with water is not the same as eating your food. I'll space my calories out better tomorrow. 'Nite friends. :)

Better Than I Thought

2010-11-17T20:14:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting here, a little shocked....ok, a LOT shocked. I've had dinner, ready to post my food pics for the day, was totaling everything, and I'm sitting at 991 calories for the day...and NOT HUNGRY.

Let me say that again....I'm under 1000 cals for the day and I'm not hungry. My stomach is not growling.

Ummm....I have no idea what's going on with me. None. My absolute best guess is that it has to do with the water/fluid intake throughout the day. Yesterday I drank (5) 24 oz. glasses of water during my workday. Today I drank (6) 24 oz. glasses at work, plus (3) 5 oz. cups of coffee w/ creamer. So that's what? About 144 oz. of water and 15 more oz in coffee. Very interesting.

I'm drinking another 32 oz glass of water right now as I type this post. I'll end up with at least 200 oz. before I go to bed.

I'll tell you the truth. Knowing I have 200 calories left for the day makes me want to eat something else. I'm not going to have food....but it does allow me to have a couple of cups of decaf coffee with creamer, for another 70 calories. That's my wind-down thing in the evenings. I didn't have it last night because I miscounted my calories and thought I was too close to 1200...didn't want to go over. Turns out, I was a good bit under....came in around 1100-1125 last night. Tonight, I'm having it. While others are having a more substantial snack or dessert...I'm having decaf coffee w/ creamer. It works for me.

Here's my food pics w/ calorie count for the day:

4 egg whites w/ a touch of mustard for color and flavor, mixed with 4 oz. chicken breast and 1/8 c. of 2% sharp cheddar cheese. The baby ate an ounce of the chicken, so I counted it as 3 oz. for myself.

7am

4 egg whites - 68 cals.

3 oz. chkn. breast - 90 cals.

1/8 c. 2% cheese - 45 cals.

11:00 am

Boneless pork rib - 200 cals.

Sweet potato - 103 cals.

12:00pm

I'm making a conscious effort to eat slowly. This is how much of my lunch was left an hour after I started eating it. I finished the rest of it sometime after noon.

2:00pm

Honeycrisp apple - 80 cals.

6:15 pm

6 oz. chkn. breast after the baby got some - 180 cals.

An ENTIRE bag of Steamfresh broccoli - 120 cals.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who provided food tips and snack ideas...foods to keep you fuller, etc. I always appreciate the ideas. I will say that there will always be some convenience foods in my diet, like the Jimmy Dean bagels in my freezer....and there will always be pork..I'm a swine lover...that won't change. I did happen to be OUT of veggies as of today, so I stopped by the grocery store on my way home and picked up some stuff to get me through the next few days.

Allan suggested lots of salad. I picked up 2 bags of the pre-made stuff, along with tomatoes, cucumbers and onions to go on top. I ran out of baby carrots on Monday (those are a normal snack for me), so I picked up a big bag of those...along with some sweet potatoes that I am in love with. The only fruit I had left was 2 apples, so I picked up 4 more tonight. I also got some mushrooms, onions and bell peppers to mix with eggs in the morning so that EVERY breakfast isn't a convenient one. :)

This will sound bad...but it's honest....ever since I started my blog, I've never been interested in the "health" part of this jouney....as far as matching proteins with carbs, eating what would be considered "diet" foods, etc. The only thing I've been interested in is counting calories to get the weight off. I eat fruits and vegetables because I like them.....not because I'm "trying to eat all the right diet foods". I don't eat hardly any red meat...but that's not because I consider it a "bad" food in the diet world. It's because it makes me feel like crap for 2-3 days. I feel like I'm walking around with a rock in my stomach...it just takes too long to digest. So I'm sure my food pics will make some people wince, like I'm sure my pork ribs did , lol....that's ok. Just wanted to let everyone know that's reading that I will always welcome any food tips you want to share with me. Some of them I'll use...some of them I probably won't. As long as I'm within the calorie range I'm shooting for...I'm happy. :)

Here's a pic of my loot from the grocery store:

I thawed and sauteed some shrimp tonight. Will probably put this on my salad for lunch tomorrow.

That's 1 lb. of shrimp altogether - pre-cooked weight of course. For this case, 1/2 a lb. in each bowl resulted in 17 shrimp. At 30 cals an oz...that's 240 cals.

I also went ahead and measured out 2 Tbsp of dressing to take for my salad tomorrow. It's 60 cals. for 2 Tbsp.

So that's it for today guys!!! Hope you're having a good evening.....time for me to go make some decaf. :)

1200 Calorie Day Recap

2010-11-17T08:32:00.002-05:00

Ok....so...I was going to try out 1200 calories yesterday and see what I thought. The good news is I DID IT!! And I'm still alive!! lol :)

So here's how the day went and how the calories broke down:

7am - Jimmy Dean D'Lite Breakfast Bagel w/ egg white, chz, turkey sausage    260 cals.
11am - One baked pork rib                                                                             200 cals.
            Medium sweet potato - no butter                                                         103 cals.
2pm - Honeycrisp apple                                                                                    80 cals.
During day I had (4) 5 oz. cups of coffee w/ 1 Tbsp creamer in ea.
The creamer is 35 cals per Tbsp                                                                      140 cals.
5:30p - 4 egg whites @ 17 cals. ea.                                                                   68 cals.
            1 slice 2% American cheese                                                                  45 cals.
7:00p - 2 grilled chicken thighs - no skin (5-6 oz. of meat off bone)                  180 cals.
             Medium sweet potato - no butter                                                        103 cals.

Total Calories:                                                                                               1149 cals.

Here's how the day went....I ate breakfast at 7am. By 10:30 my stomach was growling audibly. I finally fed it lunch at 11am. I normally scarf down my food in 5-10 mins. Yesterday, I purposely ate VERY slowly, putting my fork down inbetween (what a concept!), did some work at desk inbetween eating, and made the one rib and sweet potato last an hour...until 12pm. It's amazing how much better food tastes when you eat mindfully because you know there's going to be less of it.

By 2pm my stomach was growling audibly again...wow. I ate an apple. At 4pm I felt like my stomach was turning inside out, lol. I emailed Allan and told him "This is hard. You ROCK." He's been staying around 1200 cals for like 6 months now I think....now that's commitment. All during the day I consumed (4) 5 oz cups of coffee and (5) 24 oz. bottles of water to help stave off the hunger. Stomach still growling. Left work at 5pm, got home at 5:30p and ran to the kitchen to whip something up. I made a cheese omelet with 4 egg whites and 1 pc. of 2% American cheese. My baby had a couple of bites, so my calories are actually a little lower than I reported...maybe around 1100-1125?

Dwayne emailed me at work yesterday and wanted me and Scarlette to come to his house for dinner....said he was grilling steaks. I told him I was trying 1200 cals today and already had my dinner planned....some grilled chicken that he cooked for me on Sunday night, and a sweet potato that I baked Sun night. I told him he could grill a steak for himself and I'd bring over my chicken and sweet potato to stay on track. I got to his house just as he was pulling 2 steaks off the grill. He threw one in the frig and ate the other one with a loaf of crusty French bread. Watching him eat the steak didn't phase me....watching him eat the crusty French breaad hurt like hell, lol. But I didn't touch it. I ate my chicken and sweet potato slowly and noticed something about 3/4 of the way through. I was full. Huh? No way. I can eat WAY more than this...and of course I finished it. But full after so fewer calories than I normally eat during a day? Totally weird and I have no explanation for it, other than maybe the water intake.

After dinner we watched some TV and I drank (3) 16.9 oz bottles of water. I headed home around 9pm and when I got home, I drank one more 32 oz. bottle of water before bed. My total water consumption for the day was around 200 oz....with the coffee on top of that for even more liquids. Actually....that's a TON of liquids, and probably had EVERYTHING to do w/ why I felt so full at dinner. Yay. :)

So....I did it...I made it through...I didn't die. It got tough in the afternoon around 4p, but nothing I couldn't handle, so I'm going to do it again today. One day at a time here...that's all I need to focus on. I actually remembered to bring my camera this morning to work with me, so I'll be taking pics of today's food and will post it tomorrow morning with an update on Day 2. Have a super day friends. :)

*******SEAN hit goal yesterday at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser!!! Head on over there!!*******

Experimenting

2010-11-16T08:07:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try eating at 1200 calories today. There are a few things I know about myself. I still have obsessive food thoughts...eat when I'm not hungry..duh! And I'm a volume eater, so even when I'm eating within my calorie range, I shoot for the lowest calorie foods so I can have more of them. I'm at a desk for 9 1/2 hours during the day and that makes for a lot of idle time to snack.

But I thought I'd try something different on Allan's challenge. He eats around this number, and he's thrilled with his losses. He never has a gain..he never maintains..he always loses, and it's caught my attention and stoked my curiosity. I wonder if I could stick to 1200 cals/day? I've never tried. So I'm going to.

Mind you...if I start to feel like I'm going to cut loose and binge or something horrific like that, I'm taking it right back up to 1870...so we'll see. You never know until you try. :)

Challenge Pic

2010-11-15T08:35:00.000-05:00

For Allan's challenge, we had to take a current pic of ourselves. We didn't have to post it on our blog if we were uncomfortable or shy....but I'm not shy. :)

If my ridiculous stomach would catch up to my collarbone, I'd be a happy girl. :)

Off to a good start this morning...just can't remember to take the dang camera with me everywhere I go, so I'm forgetting to take all of my food pics. Still writing down every calorie though and drinking all the water. We did our first challenge weigh-in for Phase 2 after only 5 days. I was down 1 lb. I started at 249 last Tuesday, and weighed 248 Sunday morning. One lb. off my a$$ is better than no pounds. I'll take it.

Have a great day friends. :)

Superheroes: Sean and Stephen!!

2010-11-13T19:44:00.001-05:00

I drove over to Alabama today and hung out with Sean from The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser and Stephen from Who Ate My Blog? I had a fabulous time....both of these guys are hilarious...cracked me up the whole time we were together. It was a really awesome time and I can't wait til we can all get together again....hopefully in the spring if all goes right! Stephen's already lost around 200 lbs...and in keeping with that amazingness, went for a 6 mile walk before we all met today (yay!) as he's working towards getting ready to walk a half marathon!! I think he said it's in February... Go Stephen!! Sean's expected to meet his goal weight of 230 lbs. on his next weigh-in this coming Tuesday....can't wait to read THAT post! I took a ton of pics today so I'll post a few of them. Enjoy! :)

I'm 5'10..it's very rare that I feel "short"...today was one of those times, lol.

Superheroes!!!

The guys fooling with their cameras

Such a FUN guy!

Doesn't he have a fantastic smile? He should...he's got a lot to smile about. :)

All of us fatties and former fatties can appreciate the room between the steering wheel and our tummies. :)

Proud of you Sean!

Where's your cape?

(inside joke ;) )

Hanging In There

2010-11-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

Even though yesterday got off to a rocky start, it ended well. I was at 1850 cals for the day with my goal being 1870....and I had 130 oz. of water.

I made egg muffins last night, so my breakfast is ready to go for the next few mornings. Prepping/planning are key to getting this crap right, lol. I'll be on the road tomorrow going to see Sean in Alabama and hang out with him and Stephen from Who Ate My Blog? for a couple of hours. I'm going to try to get there an hour after Stephen, so they can have some visiting time by themselves first. I know Stephen is just as excited to meet him as I am, so I don't want to totally crash his party. That would be rude. :)

Gonna eat a couple of those egg muffins for breakfast, which are 114 cals each, and from there I have no idea how the rest of the day will go....nothing planned as yet for lunch and dinner....don't know where I'll be at lunchtime, and don't know what time I'll make it back home tomorrow afternoon. Just concentrating on not going over 1870, and getting all my water in. K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple Stupid. One of my favorite sayings. :)

Have a fabulous weekend friends! :)

Meeting Sean This Saturday!

2010-11-11T13:41:00.000-05:00

I'm excited! Sean just called me about an hour ago and asked if I wanted to drive over to AL and visit with him this Sat! Yay! He became my weight loss mentor a year and a half ago, when I first started my blog. I obviously haven't followed his example very well, but I've enjoyed every post and am constantly amazed by his commitment to consistency and making the weight loss THE most important thing in his life. Very happy to finally get to meet him in person...we're gonna' have a great time! :)

Rough Day Yesterday

2010-11-11T08:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I picked up mom and took her to the funeral. I was away from the house for 8 hours. No food pics. I had 350 cals before I left the house (tuna salad wraps), and then we had a wake after the funeral, which is more like a family reunion for my family, and there was a ton of food. I had one big plate of food, and I'm pretty sure that wiped out my calories for the day. I didn't eat again after I got home at 7:30p last night...so only 2 meals yesterday. I did think about taking my camera, but it just felt too disrespectful.

Off to a bad start this morning. Running SERIOUSLY late...ran out the door w/ no breakfast and no camera. Swung through McD's....and had way too many calories for breakfast. I feel like my wagon is up on 2 wheels right now w/ such a crappy start to my day calorie-wise...but if it's nothing that can't be corrected if I pay attention to the rest of my choices today. All it really means is I used the cals too early....and I'll be hungrier tonight...it's not the first time I've done this. Tomorrow will be much better, because I'm actually going to take the time to PREPARE tonight...thinking of making some egg muffins in my cupcake pan for breakfast for the next few days....it will cover my Friday and take me right through the weekend, which is just what I need to help me with the weekend eating. Preparing ahead of time really is the key for me to getting it right. My mind's in the right place right now....at least for the moment...so I need to take full advantage of it by planning and prepping to stay ahead of the game.

One more thing. I chose not to drink any water before the funeral yesterday because I knew I had an hour and a half drive ahead of me....and didn't want to get up during the funeral to go to the restroom. So when I got home at 7:30p last night I immediately filled up my 32 oz water glass.....and I drank 3 1//2 of those between 7:30 and midnight. I also drank an 8 oz. cup of hot tea. So that's what...about 120 oz of liquid yesterday? Hooray. :) Of course, I was up peeing all night, so no wonder I didn't get good rest and ended up oversleeping and nearly making myself late for work. Duh.

Anyhoo...today's off to a rough start, but I'm going to level it out as the day goes on, and will end up within my calorie goal of 1870 cals by night's end. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday...I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend. :)

Petite Buffalo Chicken Lasagna Recipe

2010-11-09T22:08:00.001-05:00

Lots of people asked for the recipe for the mini lasagna, so here's some step by step pics.

Here's the ingredients:

wonton wrappers

boiled chicken breasts, shredded, mixed with Texas Pete

2% mozzarella cheese

part skim ricotta cheese, mixed with Italian seasonings

Classico Light Alfredo sauce

Barilla marinara sauce

Blue cheese crumbles

Spray pan with cooking spray and press one wonton wrapper inside each hole. Add 1 Tbsp of ricotta cheese mixed with Italian seasonings.

Next, add 1 Tbsp of lite Alfredo sauce, then top with one ounce of shredden buffalo chicken and sprinkle blue cheese crumbles on top...I didn't measure the cheese exactly but tried to keep it around 1 Tbsp.

Place second wontop wrapper on top and smoosh down.

Add about 1/2 an ounce of chicken on second layer.

Top chicken with 1 Tbsp. of marinara, followed by 1/8 c. of 2% mozzarella cheese.

Bake at 375 degrees for 10 mins.

Calorie Breakdown:

1.5 oz. chicken w/ buffalo sauce - 60 cals

2 wonton wrappers - 40 cals

1/8 c. 2% mozzarella - 35 cals

1 Tbsp marinara (guesstimate) - 15 cals

1 Tbsp. lite alfredo - 15 cals

(I think the jar of Alfredo said 60 cals for 1/4 c)

1 Tbsp. blue cheese crumbles - 30 cals

Total cals for 1 mini - 195

********************************

First day of the challenge was pretty easy....I say pretty easy, because as I sit here writing this post right now, I'm thinking about the leftover rotisserie chicken in the frig, lol. But I'm at 1863 cals for the day..and not supposed to go over 1870, so it's time to quit eating for the night. I've had 126 oz. of water today and I am DONE with the bladder torture until tomorrow....which will be interesting, beings that I'll be making a 1 1/2 hr commute each way to the funeral...then sitting through the funeral and graveside service....who wants to get up 5x and pee during a funeral???/ Tomorrow should be....interesting.

2 boiled eggs for breakfast - 150 cals

Honeycrisp apple (don't you love the fluorescent lighting at work??)

80 cals

Tuna salad is 285 cals, made with Star Kist chunk light tuna, one boiled egg, 2 Tbsp of Kraft Lite mayo, a little chopped dill pickles and onion.

Low-carb wheat wraps are La Tortilla Factory and 50 cals each, so 100 cals total for those.

I had to run to Publix to pick up some stuff for the dinner I was giving my sister for her birthday tonight. I grabbed a pre-made Cuban sandwich out of their deli....I'm ballparking this at 600 cals.

Here's what all I made/had for dinner:

A simple salad made with romaine hearts, cucumbers, tomatoes and onions.

I bought a rotisserie chicken...didn't think the kids would like the buffalo chicken in the lasagna. I was right, lol.

Buffalo Chicken Lasagna that I made last night and re-heated in the oven tonight. My sister loved these. I sent 4 home with her, and kept 2 in the frig for myself...will probably eat them some time tomorrow.

Sauteed baby portabello mushrooms in 2 Tbsp of olive oil.

Zucchini and fresh salsa roasted together in the oven. Amy really loved this, too.

Garlic/cheese bread that I bought at the Publix bakery and heated in the oven.

Publix makes the BEST birthday cakes, but I couldn't afford to buy one for Amy. I had to settle for making her a box of walnut brownies that I've had in the pantry for about 6 months, lol. Duncan Hines saved the day. :)

Now....for a picture of my dinner plate, and the last meal of the day.

Huge salad w/ 2 Tbsp of Olive Oil vinaigrette dressing, 1 c. of zucchini/salsa, about a cup of mushrooms, and a rotisserie chicken breast.

Note:

no lasagna

no garlic/cheese bread

NO BROWNIE

I estimated this plate to be around 400 cals, which is just about how much I had left for the day.

I had 126 oz. of water and (3) 5 oz. cups of coffee w/ creamer...and yes, I counted the creamer. 1 Tbsp in each cup, for 35 cals per Tbsp, so 105 cals on creamer this morning.

I'll leave you with some pics of my sister, niece and nephew. :)

Amy's wearing the hat and scarf I bought her for her birthday

Carla was jealous, so she stole the gifts from her mom, lol. She BEGGED me to go to the store TOMORROW and PLEASE, PLEASE buy her one JUST LIKE IT for her for Christmas. And it MUST be blue. NOT PINK. BLUE...like her Mom's. :)

Carla says that she's Scarlette's best friend. Too precious. :)

My cutie patootie nephew, Cyress

Can you see the brownie evidence left on his face? :)

Have a good night friends. :)

New Recipe Pics

2010-11-09T10:17:00.001-05:00

Ok, so the challenge didn't officially start until today but since I took pics of my food yesterday (minus breakfast), I'll go ahead and post them. Not very exciting, but helps me stay accountable. Tuna salad w/ low salt wheat thins.

4 baked chicken wings, separated, and a sweet potato w/ 1 Tbsp of ICBINB. This has to be my favorite vegetable to eat during the Fall. I never think to eat them in the summer.

15 baby carrots at 3 cals a piece....45 cals of crunch. And ungodly amounts of water...somewhere around 130 oz by the end of the day.

These were DELISH! I coupled 2 recipes I found....Pam's Creamy Buffalo Chicken Lasagna recipe at her food blog "From Apples To Zucchini", listed on my blogroll....and a Petite Lasagna recipe from "Can You Stay For Dinner", on my favorites list. I counted the cals of all ingredients, overestimated, and came up with 195 cals each. I had 2 of these last night for dinner. Well....

make that 2 of them minus what my baby ate. She loved them, too. :)

I took pics throughout making this recipe to show a step-by-step, but didn't have the time to download them this morning before leaving for work. If anyone is interested in the recipe and seeing how it's made, leave a comment, and I'll download the pics tonight.

Day 2 and I'm solid so far...taking my pics. I had 2 boiled eggs for breakfast, 150 cals...and a honeycrisp apple a few minutes ago...80 cals. Drinking the water...and I looked at Allan's chart on his last blog post. I started at 249 lbs....if I hang in for the entire month, I have the potential to reach 232 lbs by Dec. 8th. Mind-blowing really....but drinking ALL THAT WATER has a lot to do with flushing a bunch of garbage out of my system. I totally get the water thing. I'll be honest. If I can just see the 230's by the end...that will put a huge smile on my face. I just want to keep looking forward...one day and one choice at a time. I want to leave the 240's behind. Good Lord, I've visited them WAY too many times over this last year. I'm soooo over it.

Have a great day friends. :)

Let's Try This Again

2010-11-08T08:23:00.000-05:00

Ok...so I didn't do so hot on Allan's first Double Dog Challenge....I gave up last week. I decided after a few days that it was a REALLY bad idea, and I better commit to SOMETHING...so I signed up for Phase 2 of his challenge. This picture up top makes me want to run out and buy a passel of pugs, lol.

I'm feeling pretty good this morning....ready to get started. I decided I'd photograph some of my food to go along with the accountability thing. I said some, and not all, because for one, I already forgot to photograph my 410 calorie breakfast this morning....eggs, turkey sausage, fruit, coffee w/ creamer....but I did manage to remember to grab the camera as I was running out the door for work, so I'll take some pics today. I did this in my Beach Challenge this past April and found it very helpful w/ the accountability....I lost 15 lbs. that month. Unfortunately, I found it again..and put it right back on my a$$.

Phase 2 of this challenge runs for a month, through Dec. 8th. It takes us right through Thanksgiving....now THAT ought to be interesting. One requirement is to eat the calories that you'll be eating when you get to goal weight....which for me is 1870. Another requirement is to drink enough water to drown a small country. Working on the water already....looking forward to a good day.

I cooked up some food yesterday to help me out through the week. Baked some sweet potatoes, boiled some eggs and made tuna salad, baked some zucchini and fresh salsa together in the oven, baked some chicken wings, boiled 2 chicken breasts and shredded them and then mixed in some Texas Pete buffalo sauce....that's in case I want to make a buffalo chicken lasagna recipe in a muffin tin this week. Also thawed out some grouper to cook for dinner tonight...got a recipe for a mustard sauce from Allan to put over the fish...should be tasty.

Unfortunately I got a bit of bad news last night. One of my great aunts passed away yesterday morning...my mother's aunt....so I'll be attending the funeral with mom this week. I'm not sure of the day yet....probably either Tues or Wed....so being out and with family for at least half of the day will probably pose some obstacles with the eating...but I'll do the best I can. Funerals are a part of life and we just have to work around them in regards to the eating.

I hope everyone's week is off to a great start....drink that water. :)

Ummm....

2010-11-05T15:22:00.000-04:00

I'm re-committing to the Second Phase of Allan's challenge that begins on Monday. I still don't have my head in the right place...I won't lie...but, I have to commit to SOMETHING, because God knows I don't want to be 340 lbs. again.

Down and Out

2010-11-02T20:31:00.000-04:00

My heart is not in the weight loss...at all. As I just told a friend in email, I've started off great the last 2 days, and by night, I've failed miserably. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I do know that the majority of beating the food addiction is doing the mental work. I've tried and tried at that...for over a year now, with my blog. Apparently there is still a lot of work to do. I don't have it all figured out, and quite frankly, I'm really starting to wonder if I ever will. My mind knows what needs to be done...what MUST be done. But my heart just isn't in it. I wish I had the answers, or a better explanation of what's going on with me. I just don't. This is a stupid, vague post...but for some reason, I felt like I need to at least say something....rather than nothing. I remember being in the zone the first few months I started my blog in June of last year. Once the numbers started dropping, I was so positive...I had real HOPE that I would be able to make it all the way to my goal. Somewhere along the way I lost that, and have struggled within the same 15-20 lbs. ever since. I would like to re-capture that same hope and belief that I could do this, from back when I first started. But it's not here...I can't seem to grasp it...and for the first time since I've started blogging, there's a fear welling up inside me that maybe I really can't do this. It's a REAL fear. It's disturbing, and disheartening.

I think about the weight loss/addiction/problem every minute of every day...it's always there in the forefront of my mind, no matter what else I'm doing. I hate it. I hate the obesity. I hate that I've been so fat for close to 25 years now. I hate that I didn't get a grip earlier....and I hate that I can't seem to get a grip now. It's a scary, sad feeling....one that I hope I can overcome, sooner rather than later. I have to believe that one day, I'll get it right, and I'll fix all the "stuff" that got me here...and I'll drop the extra weight, get to goal, and be able to maintain for the rest of my life. I have to believe that, because somewhere deep inside, no matter how small, there's a tiny little something that just won't let me form the words, "I give up". The negative side of me says I should....just throw up my hands and say forget it. But the other side...the side that wants to love me...wants to hold onto that tiny ember of hope that somehow, some way...I'm going to figure this out. I just don't know when. I just don't know.

The Right To Choose

2010-11-02T12:35:00.000-04:00

Voting is one of my favorite rights in this country. I thank God for it. I thank God for all of the freedoms that we are so blessed to have, but voting is of paramount importance to me, and in my opinion, should be to every American.

I hope you'll make time in your busy day to participate in your right today. And please don't pass it off to you not liking either party, because ONE of the parties is going to be in control. It's better to have a say than no say at all. Can you imagine what our lives would be like if we had no say at all? The thought makes me shudder.

Several elections in our history have been won...and lost...by only one vote. Cast yours today...exercise your patriotic duty. I did. Will you? :)