Friday, June 19, 2009
SCORE!!
I lost 6 lbs.!!!! I can't believe it. I actually did it, pork ribs and all. Praise the Lord!!! I got on the scale about 6am, looking for a lb., saw 6 lbs., and thought my eyes were just blurry so I washed my face and got back on the scale. Still 6 lbs. Hmm. Then I thought, "Oh wait....the dog's little rawhide chewstick rolled up under the scale again...that always throws it off". Picked up the scale and looked....no chewstick. Got on the scale a 3rd time just to be sure, excitement now welling up inside me, and again...266.0. I LOST 6 LBS.!!! I did the Happy Dance like you've never seen....buck naked....it wasn't pretty. My arms and legs were groovin' in one direction while my big belly was boogiein' off in another direction. It felt goooooood. :) I'm going to go grab some breakfast and then I'll be back with another post. I feel like blogging this morning!!!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Challenges
I don't think I've mentioned yet that I'm currently unemployed. I work in the Accounting field and my entire department got laid off February 20th of this year. I am receiving an unemployment check for the first time in my life and I can't even tell you what a joke that is. I've been frantically applying for jobs, praying for an interview, and haven't had one single call yet. So things at home are more than a little stressful right now. Along with having no job comes plenty of free time. Too much free time. Free time to wander around your house and eat all day. This is definitely one of my challenges....but it's not the biggest one.
My biggest challenge with the weight loss thing right now is my boyfriend. Let me say he's a fantastic guy. He has helped me meet my bills every month since I lost my job, has given me extra money when I need it, has taken me on a couple of 4-day wknd trips since I've been unemployed just to get me out of the apt. But when it comes to eating better things get a little sketchy. I want to be fair before I completely bitch about what happened today. He has been awesome at grilling out for me on the wknds because it's a healthier way of cooking. He has sacrificed his precious beef to eat turkey burgers, spaghetti, etc. with me. He's endured eating salads with me for dinner, as long as his was Caesar and no other veggies in it. And he's always been a staunch supporter of me with my weight struggles with his words. But sometimes, like today, the actions outweigh the words.
He called me this morning, told me he took the day off and was on his way over to spend the day with me. I hung up and my first thought was "Oh C-R-A-P!" See, I already had my whole day of food planned out because I knew it was the day before weigh day. I didn't want any screw-ups, I wanted to be diligent in staying under my calorie limit of 1550, drink plenty of water, etc.
Dwayne is a crappy eater. Lots of meat, LOTS of bad carbs, no veggies to speak of (I don't count Caesar salad since it's just lettuce, parmesan and croutons). He couldn't have picked a worse day to come over and spend the entire day with me....the day before I have to weigh. Ugh.
He got here and we ran some errands, the last one being a trip to Publix. I needed some produce. We got in the store and went our separate ways. When we met at the register I had romaine hearts, bag of spinach, broccoli slaw, strawberries, raspberries and a small jar of baby dill pickles. He had 20 wings from the deli, a big stick of pepperoni AND a bag of pepperoni slices, a box of buttery crackers, and a bag of iced oatmeal cookies. Do you see what I'm up against? He paid our bill and we got in the car. I could smell those wings. I knew I was going to eat some. I prayed all the way home that I wouldn't eat 10 of them. I ended up eating 2. He wanted pork ribs and dirty rice for dinner. I made those for him. I made myself the salad w/ baked chicken breast on it that I had planned. I sat there and smelled his food while I quietly ate my rabbit food. Then I broke down and ate a rib. He fixed himself a tall glass of icy, bubbly Coke. I followed suit. My anxiety level was so high about having to weigh tomorrow and all this sh*t being in my house that I was sure I was going to crack and eat everything in sight. I kept praying for him to LEAVE. He finally got bored because I just wasn't in an entertaining mood (wonder why???) and decided to go. I went straight to the frig, got the left over wings and his heart attack disguised as pepperoni and told him to get that crap out of my house. He looked at me....I looked at him, w/o smiling, and I think I saw a light bulb go off.
My goals for today were:
Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136
My final stats for today are:
Calories 1724
Carbs 160
Fat 53
Protein 166
I'm over in everything except for my fats. It's not as bad as it could have been. But I had a plan for today and I failed at it, so I'm disappointed. I've only started the better eating 4 days ago, so I was only hoping for a 1 lb loss this week. Now I'm not sure I'll see that. I mean, PORK the day before a weigh in? How stoopid.
I can see I'm going to have to have a heart-to-heart with Dwayne. I know he wants me to succeed so I really don't think he realized what kind of a stumbling block he was being. He might after the look he got tonight, but I'm going to make SURE a day like today doesn't happen again. My goals are too important. I'm too important. I get up pretty early so I'll post as soon as I weigh. Say a prayer for me. If I see a lb. gone, I'll feel like I accomplished something this week. I can tell that my anxiety levels are still high. I'm going to bed now before I eat anything else tonight. Sweet dreams. :)
My biggest challenge with the weight loss thing right now is my boyfriend. Let me say he's a fantastic guy. He has helped me meet my bills every month since I lost my job, has given me extra money when I need it, has taken me on a couple of 4-day wknd trips since I've been unemployed just to get me out of the apt. But when it comes to eating better things get a little sketchy. I want to be fair before I completely bitch about what happened today. He has been awesome at grilling out for me on the wknds because it's a healthier way of cooking. He has sacrificed his precious beef to eat turkey burgers, spaghetti, etc. with me. He's endured eating salads with me for dinner, as long as his was Caesar and no other veggies in it. And he's always been a staunch supporter of me with my weight struggles with his words. But sometimes, like today, the actions outweigh the words.
He called me this morning, told me he took the day off and was on his way over to spend the day with me. I hung up and my first thought was "Oh C-R-A-P!" See, I already had my whole day of food planned out because I knew it was the day before weigh day. I didn't want any screw-ups, I wanted to be diligent in staying under my calorie limit of 1550, drink plenty of water, etc.
Dwayne is a crappy eater. Lots of meat, LOTS of bad carbs, no veggies to speak of (I don't count Caesar salad since it's just lettuce, parmesan and croutons). He couldn't have picked a worse day to come over and spend the entire day with me....the day before I have to weigh. Ugh.
He got here and we ran some errands, the last one being a trip to Publix. I needed some produce. We got in the store and went our separate ways. When we met at the register I had romaine hearts, bag of spinach, broccoli slaw, strawberries, raspberries and a small jar of baby dill pickles. He had 20 wings from the deli, a big stick of pepperoni AND a bag of pepperoni slices, a box of buttery crackers, and a bag of iced oatmeal cookies. Do you see what I'm up against? He paid our bill and we got in the car. I could smell those wings. I knew I was going to eat some. I prayed all the way home that I wouldn't eat 10 of them. I ended up eating 2. He wanted pork ribs and dirty rice for dinner. I made those for him. I made myself the salad w/ baked chicken breast on it that I had planned. I sat there and smelled his food while I quietly ate my rabbit food. Then I broke down and ate a rib. He fixed himself a tall glass of icy, bubbly Coke. I followed suit. My anxiety level was so high about having to weigh tomorrow and all this sh*t being in my house that I was sure I was going to crack and eat everything in sight. I kept praying for him to LEAVE. He finally got bored because I just wasn't in an entertaining mood (wonder why???) and decided to go. I went straight to the frig, got the left over wings and his heart attack disguised as pepperoni and told him to get that crap out of my house. He looked at me....I looked at him, w/o smiling, and I think I saw a light bulb go off.
My goals for today were:
Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136
My final stats for today are:
Calories 1724
Carbs 160
Fat 53
Protein 166
I'm over in everything except for my fats. It's not as bad as it could have been. But I had a plan for today and I failed at it, so I'm disappointed. I've only started the better eating 4 days ago, so I was only hoping for a 1 lb loss this week. Now I'm not sure I'll see that. I mean, PORK the day before a weigh in? How stoopid.
I can see I'm going to have to have a heart-to-heart with Dwayne. I know he wants me to succeed so I really don't think he realized what kind of a stumbling block he was being. He might after the look he got tonight, but I'm going to make SURE a day like today doesn't happen again. My goals are too important. I'm too important. I get up pretty early so I'll post as soon as I weigh. Say a prayer for me. If I see a lb. gone, I'll feel like I accomplished something this week. I can tell that my anxiety levels are still high. I'm going to bed now before I eat anything else tonight. Sweet dreams. :)
God is good
As you know from my first post, I believe in God. I became a Christian several years back, and although I am certainly not the picture of righteousness, my faith in Him is unwaivering. I want to veer off the weight loss path a little bit this morning to stop and give Him some praise. I found out about something wonderful that happened to my cousin Veronnica and I want to share it with you.
Veronnica has had a hard life. A really hard life. I'm not going to go into major details out of respect for her privacy but I'll try to paint a little picture for you. She and I are the same age. I grew up in Jacksonville, FL and she grew up here in Georgia. When she was 15 years old she moved down to FL to live with us. My parents were trying to give her an opportunity to escape the life of poverty she was trapped in. We moved out of my parents house when we were 18 and ended up roommating together on and off for about 8 years. We are like sisters.
Fast forwarding to now, she is a divorced mom of 3 children, ages 9, 6 & 5. She does not get child support and she does not have any kind of support from her Mom or siblings. She's had help here and there from me, my mom and my sister Brandy, but for the most part she has does it all on her own. She is the poster child for a struggling single mom. She has lost countless jobs due to child care problems, no money, broken down cars, etc. But she keeps on going. She loves her children and wants to give them the best life she can. She keeps trying to put herself through school to become a respiratory therapist and make a better life for her and her kids.
The bills are often late, things on the verge of being shut off, and her car is just a joke. It's a really old car and it's got all kinds of problems. The car overheats every day and she just doesn't have the money to fix it. She has to turn the heat on full blast to cool the engine and keep the head from cracking. Don't ask me why this works, but it does. So her and the kids are driving around in a car that had no a/c to start with, and now with the heater blowing in 94 degree temps.
Due to her constant struggles, Veronnica doesn't have a lot of friends. She couldn't stay at a job long enough to make any due to the child care issues, she's moved around a lot, and she never has any extra money to schedule play dates with other moms and their kids to go do anything anyway. But she does have a friend named Lori whom she met at church. Lori called her the day before yesterday and told her there's a verse in Matthew that says if you see someone with a need, you should try to help them if you can. Then she told her that she and her husband Matt want to buy her a car. Veronnica had the same reaction that I did when she called to tell me about it. Silence. Speechless. Then came the tears. God worked through Lori to send this struggling single mom of three a vehicle to get to work, get her kids to camp and school in the fall and maybe keep her job this time. Praise the Lord! It's a 2001 Toyota Corolla, automatic, with air conditioning!! God is good. :)
Veronnica has had a hard life. A really hard life. I'm not going to go into major details out of respect for her privacy but I'll try to paint a little picture for you. She and I are the same age. I grew up in Jacksonville, FL and she grew up here in Georgia. When she was 15 years old she moved down to FL to live with us. My parents were trying to give her an opportunity to escape the life of poverty she was trapped in. We moved out of my parents house when we were 18 and ended up roommating together on and off for about 8 years. We are like sisters.
Fast forwarding to now, she is a divorced mom of 3 children, ages 9, 6 & 5. She does not get child support and she does not have any kind of support from her Mom or siblings. She's had help here and there from me, my mom and my sister Brandy, but for the most part she has does it all on her own. She is the poster child for a struggling single mom. She has lost countless jobs due to child care problems, no money, broken down cars, etc. But she keeps on going. She loves her children and wants to give them the best life she can. She keeps trying to put herself through school to become a respiratory therapist and make a better life for her and her kids.
The bills are often late, things on the verge of being shut off, and her car is just a joke. It's a really old car and it's got all kinds of problems. The car overheats every day and she just doesn't have the money to fix it. She has to turn the heat on full blast to cool the engine and keep the head from cracking. Don't ask me why this works, but it does. So her and the kids are driving around in a car that had no a/c to start with, and now with the heater blowing in 94 degree temps.
Due to her constant struggles, Veronnica doesn't have a lot of friends. She couldn't stay at a job long enough to make any due to the child care issues, she's moved around a lot, and she never has any extra money to schedule play dates with other moms and their kids to go do anything anyway. But she does have a friend named Lori whom she met at church. Lori called her the day before yesterday and told her there's a verse in Matthew that says if you see someone with a need, you should try to help them if you can. Then she told her that she and her husband Matt want to buy her a car. Veronnica had the same reaction that I did when she called to tell me about it. Silence. Speechless. Then came the tears. God worked through Lori to send this struggling single mom of three a vehicle to get to work, get her kids to camp and school in the fall and maybe keep her job this time. Praise the Lord! It's a 2001 Toyota Corolla, automatic, with air conditioning!! God is good. :)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Coke, Chocolate and Cha-Cha-Change!
I mentioned before that I started tracking my calories on Monday on this website: http://www.sparkpeople.com. I initially ran through it as fast as I could, clicking on "maintaining healthy lifestyle" instead of "weight loss program" because I didn't want to take the time to go through a questionaire. I just wanted to get to the calorie counter and check it out. I tracked my calories all day Monday to see where I landed with eating healthy stuff but not starving myself. I ended up at 1900. I looked back on what I ate, saw where I could easily shave off a couple hundred calories that I wasted, and decided to set my goal at 1600. The problem with is, I didn't know how to figure out what the corresponding goals should be for the fats, carbs and proteins. So tonight I logged in and totally started over. I clicked on the weight loss program this time, answered a few questions, and when it took me to the calorie counter in the nutrition section this time, it gave me just what I was looking for.
It asked me what my current and goal weights are. It asked me by what date did I want to lose the weight. I entered April 1, 2010, figuring in my head that would be somewhere around 10 lbs/mo since I have 92 lbs to lose. Those goals might be a little aggressive for an addict like me, but you've got to set goals. Otherwise you'll just be floundering around. It gave me a range of calories from 1200-1550 per day to reach my goal. Naturally, I'm choosing the 1550 because I want all the calories I can get right now. My body is still in shock from being at 4,000/day just last week, lol. So that's the high end. Here are my goals for each day:
Calories: 1550
Carbs: 250
Fat: 60
Protein: 136
These are the numbers that the program generated so these will be my guidelines. I'm going to try to list what I eat on a daily basis and my final nutrition stats for the day. I might not list every single baby carrot I eat, but I'll give you a good idea.
A couple of other changes that I've made popped in my head today so I wanted to share them. I changed several months ago from vegetable oil to olive oil because I kept hearing the Extra Virgin Olive Oil was a "good" fat. I've heard that canola oil is 2nd to the EVOO so I keep some of that too. I use the EVOO 98% of the time and I leave the canola oil for when I'm going to fry something. That's something else I've changed. I used to fry whatever meat we were having for dinner 1-2x a week. The other nights it was either baked, boiled, grilled, etc. When I switched to olive oil, I just decided to stop all that frying. I now fry about once every 2 months. And it's usually 1 of 2 things. My roommate's favorite meal in the world is fried porkchops, so every couple of months I indulge him. The 2nd item is for me....fried chicken tenders. Again, I fry those about once every couple months. Yes, the frying needs to go altogether and I feel like we'll get there eventually. But it's a vast improvement from what it was and I'm glad I made that change.
Another thing is mayo. I love mayo. It's the perfect accompaniment to my favorite sandwich in the world which is Boar's Head ham with tomatoes and onions. Now this was a hard one, and I'm still not totally where I should be. I used Blue Plate for YEARS because that's what Mom's always used and you go with what you know. About a year ago my boyfriend told me he liked Duke's and he bought a jar. Tasted just as good to me as Blue Plate, so I switched to Duke's. About 5 months ago I decided I was going to stop the full fat mayo cold turkey and bought a jar of Kraft Fat Free mayo. Blech. I didn't like it, but I ate it for about 2 months. I still kept a separate jar of Duke's for certain things like my Mom's potato salad. Some things you just shouldn't mess with....kind of like having white rice once every couple of months in a dish from my childhood. But for regular weekly use, I stuck with the fat free trying my hardest to get used to the taste. Then one day I went to get it out of the frig and it was beside the Duke's. I noticed the Duke's full fat mayo had streaks on the inside of the jar from the oil and egg and such breaking down I'm assuming. Seems like a natural process to me. Then I opened the Kraft, realized I'd had the same jar as long as the Duke's, and it looked the same as the day I bought it. No natural processes going on inside this jar. Then I had a thought.....what exactly is this stuff? I was immediately freaked out, kind of like cheese that doesn't melt in a 500 degree pan freaks me out. I threw it in the trash and went back to Duke's. About 2 weeks ago, I decided I needed a mayo w/ less fat in it again.....but not as drastic as the fat free. So I bought Kraft reduced fat mayo. Again, blech, lol. But I plan on sticking with this for sandwiches and such. I'm not sure where my mayo journey is going to end....but I feel like some change is better than no change.
Coke. The bain of my existence. I could write a sonnet and name it "Ode to Coke" but I'll spare you. I think I've been drinking this since birth. There has never been another drink on the face of this earth that even comes close to the taste of Coke for me. It is definitely my biggest vice in the food world. When I found out I had diabetes I was so ignorant at first about what that meant. I had to give up sugar. Big deal. Thank God in Heaven I have never been a person with a serious sweet tooth. I've never eaten half a pie, half a pan of brownies or half a gallon of ice cream. In fact, I cant' even handle more than half a candy bar at once. And then I started reading about diabetes and realizing how almost every single food has sugar in it. I learned all about bad carbs....how I was going to have to give up or seriously limit white flour, pastas, rice, bread....things were starting to look bad. Then I found out that Coke is absolute poison for a diabetic and I'd have to give those up completely.....OH YEAH RIGHT!?!......like that's ever gonna' happen!?!?!? And I continued to poison myself for many years, albeit now with a boatload of guilt.
This past January I finally decided to cut back. No, I haven't completely quit and yes I'm a moron for that. But I have made a change for the good. Before January, I was drinking at least 3 cokes a day and sometimes more, depending if I was at a cookout/reunion/birthday party, etc. But my bare minimum was 3 a day...one with each meal. That's a minimum of 21 Cokes a week. I now drink about 2-3 a week. It's averaging out to be around every 3 days that I cave in to the craving. You would think that only drinking 2-3/wk now I could just leave it alone completely. That hasn't happened. I still think about Coke every day....I'm just forcing myself to stave off the craving until I think I just can't handle it anymore. Say a prayer for me that I find the strength to kick the habit completely very soon. I'm proud of how much I've cut out of my diet....but I know with being a diabetic that it's just not good enough.
Chocolate. Now I mentioned that I've never had a big sweet tooth and that's true. However, chocolate is in a category all by itself. I eat chocolate about 5x/wk. I will probably do this the rest of my life. I eat a couple of bites nearly every day and it satisfies my chocolate craving. But I have to have those 2 bites. I haven't taken the time yet to see what's the best dietary choice to satiate my chocolate cravings mainly because it's only 2 bites a day. But if I can lower the sugar levels even in that little bit then I need to. Right now I have a bag of 3 Musketeers fun size snack bars in my frig. It's the 2 bite size. I eat one bar most days. It's not my fave kind of chocolate or anything....I'll eat just about any form of chocolate....but I just happen to notice the front of the bag saying 45% less fat than most candy bars or something to that effect so that's the one I bought. I hear that Russell Stover has some pretty good sugar-free turtles....I'm going to check those out one day. I also hear that if you're going to eat chocolate, then make it dark because the cacoa might actually have some health benefits if you eat it in small enough quantities.
I'm ready for bed but before I go I wanted to point something out. I told you I ate 1900 calories on Monday and decided to shoot for 1600 starting Tuesday. Then I ate the Subway and threw myself somewhere around 2000 calories I think. Starting anew this morning. my goal was again 1600. My total calories for today is 1667!! Only 67 calories over instead of 400. Woo hoo!
Considering I take things one day at a time....today is a win. Baby steps people...baby steps. Since I re-did my nutrition goals tonight, then starting tmrw my caloric goal is 1550. We'll see where I land. :)
It asked me what my current and goal weights are. It asked me by what date did I want to lose the weight. I entered April 1, 2010, figuring in my head that would be somewhere around 10 lbs/mo since I have 92 lbs to lose. Those goals might be a little aggressive for an addict like me, but you've got to set goals. Otherwise you'll just be floundering around. It gave me a range of calories from 1200-1550 per day to reach my goal. Naturally, I'm choosing the 1550 because I want all the calories I can get right now. My body is still in shock from being at 4,000/day just last week, lol. So that's the high end. Here are my goals for each day:
Calories: 1550
Carbs: 250
Fat: 60
Protein: 136
These are the numbers that the program generated so these will be my guidelines. I'm going to try to list what I eat on a daily basis and my final nutrition stats for the day. I might not list every single baby carrot I eat, but I'll give you a good idea.
A couple of other changes that I've made popped in my head today so I wanted to share them. I changed several months ago from vegetable oil to olive oil because I kept hearing the Extra Virgin Olive Oil was a "good" fat. I've heard that canola oil is 2nd to the EVOO so I keep some of that too. I use the EVOO 98% of the time and I leave the canola oil for when I'm going to fry something. That's something else I've changed. I used to fry whatever meat we were having for dinner 1-2x a week. The other nights it was either baked, boiled, grilled, etc. When I switched to olive oil, I just decided to stop all that frying. I now fry about once every 2 months. And it's usually 1 of 2 things. My roommate's favorite meal in the world is fried porkchops, so every couple of months I indulge him. The 2nd item is for me....fried chicken tenders. Again, I fry those about once every couple months. Yes, the frying needs to go altogether and I feel like we'll get there eventually. But it's a vast improvement from what it was and I'm glad I made that change.
Another thing is mayo. I love mayo. It's the perfect accompaniment to my favorite sandwich in the world which is Boar's Head ham with tomatoes and onions. Now this was a hard one, and I'm still not totally where I should be. I used Blue Plate for YEARS because that's what Mom's always used and you go with what you know. About a year ago my boyfriend told me he liked Duke's and he bought a jar. Tasted just as good to me as Blue Plate, so I switched to Duke's. About 5 months ago I decided I was going to stop the full fat mayo cold turkey and bought a jar of Kraft Fat Free mayo. Blech. I didn't like it, but I ate it for about 2 months. I still kept a separate jar of Duke's for certain things like my Mom's potato salad. Some things you just shouldn't mess with....kind of like having white rice once every couple of months in a dish from my childhood. But for regular weekly use, I stuck with the fat free trying my hardest to get used to the taste. Then one day I went to get it out of the frig and it was beside the Duke's. I noticed the Duke's full fat mayo had streaks on the inside of the jar from the oil and egg and such breaking down I'm assuming. Seems like a natural process to me. Then I opened the Kraft, realized I'd had the same jar as long as the Duke's, and it looked the same as the day I bought it. No natural processes going on inside this jar. Then I had a thought.....what exactly is this stuff? I was immediately freaked out, kind of like cheese that doesn't melt in a 500 degree pan freaks me out. I threw it in the trash and went back to Duke's. About 2 weeks ago, I decided I needed a mayo w/ less fat in it again.....but not as drastic as the fat free. So I bought Kraft reduced fat mayo. Again, blech, lol. But I plan on sticking with this for sandwiches and such. I'm not sure where my mayo journey is going to end....but I feel like some change is better than no change.
Coke. The bain of my existence. I could write a sonnet and name it "Ode to Coke" but I'll spare you. I think I've been drinking this since birth. There has never been another drink on the face of this earth that even comes close to the taste of Coke for me. It is definitely my biggest vice in the food world. When I found out I had diabetes I was so ignorant at first about what that meant. I had to give up sugar. Big deal. Thank God in Heaven I have never been a person with a serious sweet tooth. I've never eaten half a pie, half a pan of brownies or half a gallon of ice cream. In fact, I cant' even handle more than half a candy bar at once. And then I started reading about diabetes and realizing how almost every single food has sugar in it. I learned all about bad carbs....how I was going to have to give up or seriously limit white flour, pastas, rice, bread....things were starting to look bad. Then I found out that Coke is absolute poison for a diabetic and I'd have to give those up completely.....OH YEAH RIGHT!?!......like that's ever gonna' happen!?!?!? And I continued to poison myself for many years, albeit now with a boatload of guilt.
This past January I finally decided to cut back. No, I haven't completely quit and yes I'm a moron for that. But I have made a change for the good. Before January, I was drinking at least 3 cokes a day and sometimes more, depending if I was at a cookout/reunion/birthday party, etc. But my bare minimum was 3 a day...one with each meal. That's a minimum of 21 Cokes a week. I now drink about 2-3 a week. It's averaging out to be around every 3 days that I cave in to the craving. You would think that only drinking 2-3/wk now I could just leave it alone completely. That hasn't happened. I still think about Coke every day....I'm just forcing myself to stave off the craving until I think I just can't handle it anymore. Say a prayer for me that I find the strength to kick the habit completely very soon. I'm proud of how much I've cut out of my diet....but I know with being a diabetic that it's just not good enough.
Chocolate. Now I mentioned that I've never had a big sweet tooth and that's true. However, chocolate is in a category all by itself. I eat chocolate about 5x/wk. I will probably do this the rest of my life. I eat a couple of bites nearly every day and it satisfies my chocolate craving. But I have to have those 2 bites. I haven't taken the time yet to see what's the best dietary choice to satiate my chocolate cravings mainly because it's only 2 bites a day. But if I can lower the sugar levels even in that little bit then I need to. Right now I have a bag of 3 Musketeers fun size snack bars in my frig. It's the 2 bite size. I eat one bar most days. It's not my fave kind of chocolate or anything....I'll eat just about any form of chocolate....but I just happen to notice the front of the bag saying 45% less fat than most candy bars or something to that effect so that's the one I bought. I hear that Russell Stover has some pretty good sugar-free turtles....I'm going to check those out one day. I also hear that if you're going to eat chocolate, then make it dark because the cacoa might actually have some health benefits if you eat it in small enough quantities.
I'm ready for bed but before I go I wanted to point something out. I told you I ate 1900 calories on Monday and decided to shoot for 1600 starting Tuesday. Then I ate the Subway and threw myself somewhere around 2000 calories I think. Starting anew this morning. my goal was again 1600. My total calories for today is 1667!! Only 67 calories over instead of 400. Woo hoo!
Considering I take things one day at a time....today is a win. Baby steps people...baby steps. Since I re-did my nutrition goals tonight, then starting tmrw my caloric goal is 1550. We'll see where I land. :)
A New Day
Good morning. :) It's going to be a good day...I can feel it. After my Sandwich o' Shame last night, instead of wallowing in the guilt of exceeding my calorie limit for the day, I decided to do something a little productive. I got in the fridge, got out all my veggies that were fixing to go bad or getting a little soft and I made a big pan of veggie stir fry. Now I have a big bowl of cooked veggies in the frig that I can eat during the day when I'm feeling hungry and don't want to use up a lot of calories. I didn't use any oil at all....just a little worcestershire and Adobo. Pam told me about using these 2 items last week when sauteeing some cabbage. My stir fry had some cabbage, broccoli slaw, yellow peppers, yellow squash, zucchini and radishes. It's very colorful and tastes fantastic.
Lynn at Escape from Obesity says if you screw up and eat a bad meal make sure the next one is healthy. Breakfast this morning was one piece of Arnold's Double Fiber whole wheat bread, 2 c. of watermelon and a cup of fat free light vanilla yogurt. There's something a little different about this breakfast than normal for me. I didn't have any meat. GASP! Tammy eating a meal with no meat in it??? I was just telling Pam last week that if I don't have meat in a meal I feel like I haven't eaten. I've always been that way. I'm a meatatarian, so when I was eating my breakfast this moring, I felt the corners of my mouth turn up in the slightest of smiles. I made a little better choice than the day before and it feels good. :)
Lynn at Escape from Obesity says if you screw up and eat a bad meal make sure the next one is healthy. Breakfast this morning was one piece of Arnold's Double Fiber whole wheat bread, 2 c. of watermelon and a cup of fat free light vanilla yogurt. There's something a little different about this breakfast than normal for me. I didn't have any meat. GASP! Tammy eating a meal with no meat in it??? I was just telling Pam last week that if I don't have meat in a meal I feel like I haven't eaten. I've always been that way. I'm a meatatarian, so when I was eating my breakfast this moring, I felt the corners of my mouth turn up in the slightest of smiles. I made a little better choice than the day before and it feels good. :)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Chains of Addiction
I started counting calories yesterday for the first time in my life. I'm using this website: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/mysparkstart.asp. I found out about it on Lyn's blog Escape from Obesity. She's listed on my blogroll, and behind Pam, she's my #2 inspiration on this journey. She was the 2008 Best Blog winner for the weight loss category....you MUST check it out. She is sooooo real. She doesn't sugar coat anything...just tells it like it is....the good and the bad. I only hope my blog will turn out to be at least a quarter as good as hers is and I'll be happy.
So anyways, this is day #2 of counting calories and I'm ready to quit. I'm not going to, but I very easily could. Change is hard. Actually counting every calorie that goes into my body is making me painfully aware of how much I'm used to eating, and now how much I'm not eating. It's making me feel like I'm missing something. Boy am I missing something.....another 2,500 calories a day!!! I know that my stomach is stretched from the ridiculous amount of food I was intaking up until this past weekend. But I also know that most of it is psychological. A friend pointed this out to me today. I'm very well aware. The reason I call my problem with food an addiction is because there are some very REAL physical things that I feel when I decrease my intake.
I feel real anxiety when I think about the foods I can no longer have, like the fast food junk. I have literally fought off the urge to go to a fast food restaurant every 2 hours for the last 2 days. This has been a real battle. Or when I'm used to eating 3x as much meat PER MEAL as I've been eating in the last 2-3 days. One of the things that comes along with calorie counting is findng out about correct portion sizes. It makes my chest tighten up just thinking about it. 3 oz. of meat??? Are you effin' kidding me??? You're talking to the girl who could eat 6 pieces of fried chicken in one sitting w/o blinking. When I think about these things, my chest tightens, I can't get a good deep breath...the longer I think about it leads to an eventual headache that follows me the rest of the day. Now I know some people say when you get like this and feel like you're about to eat something you shouldn't, occupy yourself with something else. One of my "favorite" suggestions is taking a walk. I got news for ya'.....if I was in the habit of taking a walk every time I got stressed out while tryinig to lose weight, I'd weigh 100 lbs by now and wouldn't have this problem in the first place. I think Lyn on Escape from Obesity is more realistic. You've just got to suffer through it. Just sit there and think about it. Think about your goals, short-term and long-term. Think about why you want to lose the weight in the first place. Just sit there and suffer through it. That's what I've been doing for the last 2 days.
Now, if you're at the point where you know you are going to eat something you shouldn't, then at least make it an informed fall off the wagon. Again, sit there for a minute and think about it. You know you're fixing to eat something bad. Or you know you've already eaten your calories for the day and you're still truly hungry, so you're going to eat something else. This happened to me tonight. I had like 10 calories left for the day and somehow I just knew 2 cucumber slices weren't going to satisfy my urge to take a head dive off the wagon. I knew I was fixing to go get some fast food. I live in the city and have every single fast food restaurant you can imagine all within a 3 miles radius of my apartment. The possibilities are endless. I went through several choices in my head. Arby's roast beef, Burger King Whopper....double Whopper is more like it, Big Mac from McD's, double burger w/ everything from Wendy's, fried chicken from KFC, 3 burritos w/ sour cream from Taco Bell........what was it going to be?
Guess what I ended up with. A sub from Subway. Cold cut combo (turkey-based meat), whole wheat bread, no cheese, light mayo, spicy mustard, all the veggies, no oil or vinegar. Whew!!! I would say instead of a head dive off the wagon, it was more like one leg and maybe a butt cheek. Yes, I stumbled. Yes, I went over the 1600 calorie limit that I set for myself (as of last week I was eating at least 4,000/day). But as a food addict, knowing the damage I could have done, and have done so many times in the past, I'm proud of my choice.
I was trying to think of an example I could give you of what the addiction feels like. I watch a show with my boyfriend called The Tudors. It's on Showtime and it's about King Henry VIII of England, period dresses, castles, all of that. On one of the shows they were torturing a man for being a traitor to his country. They wrapped him in chains and left him like that for a couple of days. The chains were so tight that they cut through his skin, causing blood to leak out all over his body and soak through his clothes. That's exactly what it feels like to be addicted to food for me. Being bound by chains and it's hard to breathe. I'm going to take each day as it comes, slowly trying to make better choices. When I stumble, I pray I do it as gracefully as I can. As I press forward, I know that the chains of addiction will slowly loosen. I just have to keep looking ahead. Sometimes even one day at a time seems too much for me.....sometimes I have to take it one hour at a time. But I'll get there......I'll get there. I'm not giving up this time. That's what I've always done. I'm going to do something different this time. It's all about choices and I choose to stay the course. I choose to drop this weight and I choose to do it at a healthy pace. I choose to replace old habits with new ones. I choose to replace bad food choices with healthier ones. I choose a healthier, thinner, happier me.
So anyways, this is day #2 of counting calories and I'm ready to quit. I'm not going to, but I very easily could. Change is hard. Actually counting every calorie that goes into my body is making me painfully aware of how much I'm used to eating, and now how much I'm not eating. It's making me feel like I'm missing something. Boy am I missing something.....another 2,500 calories a day!!! I know that my stomach is stretched from the ridiculous amount of food I was intaking up until this past weekend. But I also know that most of it is psychological. A friend pointed this out to me today. I'm very well aware. The reason I call my problem with food an addiction is because there are some very REAL physical things that I feel when I decrease my intake.
I feel real anxiety when I think about the foods I can no longer have, like the fast food junk. I have literally fought off the urge to go to a fast food restaurant every 2 hours for the last 2 days. This has been a real battle. Or when I'm used to eating 3x as much meat PER MEAL as I've been eating in the last 2-3 days. One of the things that comes along with calorie counting is findng out about correct portion sizes. It makes my chest tighten up just thinking about it. 3 oz. of meat??? Are you effin' kidding me??? You're talking to the girl who could eat 6 pieces of fried chicken in one sitting w/o blinking. When I think about these things, my chest tightens, I can't get a good deep breath...the longer I think about it leads to an eventual headache that follows me the rest of the day. Now I know some people say when you get like this and feel like you're about to eat something you shouldn't, occupy yourself with something else. One of my "favorite" suggestions is taking a walk. I got news for ya'.....if I was in the habit of taking a walk every time I got stressed out while tryinig to lose weight, I'd weigh 100 lbs by now and wouldn't have this problem in the first place. I think Lyn on Escape from Obesity is more realistic. You've just got to suffer through it. Just sit there and think about it. Think about your goals, short-term and long-term. Think about why you want to lose the weight in the first place. Just sit there and suffer through it. That's what I've been doing for the last 2 days.
Now, if you're at the point where you know you are going to eat something you shouldn't, then at least make it an informed fall off the wagon. Again, sit there for a minute and think about it. You know you're fixing to eat something bad. Or you know you've already eaten your calories for the day and you're still truly hungry, so you're going to eat something else. This happened to me tonight. I had like 10 calories left for the day and somehow I just knew 2 cucumber slices weren't going to satisfy my urge to take a head dive off the wagon. I knew I was fixing to go get some fast food. I live in the city and have every single fast food restaurant you can imagine all within a 3 miles radius of my apartment. The possibilities are endless. I went through several choices in my head. Arby's roast beef, Burger King Whopper....double Whopper is more like it, Big Mac from McD's, double burger w/ everything from Wendy's, fried chicken from KFC, 3 burritos w/ sour cream from Taco Bell........what was it going to be?
Guess what I ended up with. A sub from Subway. Cold cut combo (turkey-based meat), whole wheat bread, no cheese, light mayo, spicy mustard, all the veggies, no oil or vinegar. Whew!!! I would say instead of a head dive off the wagon, it was more like one leg and maybe a butt cheek. Yes, I stumbled. Yes, I went over the 1600 calorie limit that I set for myself (as of last week I was eating at least 4,000/day). But as a food addict, knowing the damage I could have done, and have done so many times in the past, I'm proud of my choice.
I was trying to think of an example I could give you of what the addiction feels like. I watch a show with my boyfriend called The Tudors. It's on Showtime and it's about King Henry VIII of England, period dresses, castles, all of that. On one of the shows they were torturing a man for being a traitor to his country. They wrapped him in chains and left him like that for a couple of days. The chains were so tight that they cut through his skin, causing blood to leak out all over his body and soak through his clothes. That's exactly what it feels like to be addicted to food for me. Being bound by chains and it's hard to breathe. I'm going to take each day as it comes, slowly trying to make better choices. When I stumble, I pray I do it as gracefully as I can. As I press forward, I know that the chains of addiction will slowly loosen. I just have to keep looking ahead. Sometimes even one day at a time seems too much for me.....sometimes I have to take it one hour at a time. But I'll get there......I'll get there. I'm not giving up this time. That's what I've always done. I'm going to do something different this time. It's all about choices and I choose to stay the course. I choose to drop this weight and I choose to do it at a healthy pace. I choose to replace old habits with new ones. I choose to replace bad food choices with healthier ones. I choose a healthier, thinner, happier me.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Healing Old Wounds
One of the things that comes along with losing gobs of weight and getting healthier is thinking about why you want to do it in the first place. Chances are, if you're like me, you've got several reasons for wanting to look and feel better....some obvious to everyone around you and some that are rather personal.
I was thinking about these things tonight, started crying, and decided it was time to post again and get it all out. I'm tired of carrying around the secret reasons.....I need to purge my soul. Purging leads to healing and I need to heal. It's part of closing the door on the past and looking forward to a more positive future. So here it goes.
As I said before, I've been overweight since around the age of 12. Not obese, but not thin or skinny by any means. However, I didn't REALIZE how I looked until I was around 14-15. I remember it like it was yesterday.....the moment you realize that you are a fattie. We were on a family vacation in Daytona Beach, FL. We were staying in an oceanfront hotel and I had been out at the pool playing all day with my 2 sisters. We had dinner that evening with my parents at a restaurant that must have been part of the hotel because our table was by the window overlooking the pool. I remember seeing a girl that was wearing a bathing suit that was WAY too small for her and I made the comment out loud that if I were that fat I'd NEVER wear anything like that. My mom very pointedly cleared her throat, said "Ummm..." and looked over at me. She didn't say anything else. She didn't have to. I knew exactly what she meant. I was that fat, and I had been out at the pool in a bathing suit ALL DAY LONG. I wanted to die. I felt so exposed. My entire family was sitting there witnessing this exchange and I had to try to act normal. I could feel the color rising in my face....thank God I had a bad sunburn to hide the shame that would have clearly had me looking like a lobster. I fought back the tears....swallowed them....and absolutely choked on my last few bites of dinner. It was like my throat closed up and I couldn't even swallow because my mind was telling me I was fat and didn't need to eat anymore. That was the first day leading to many years of embarassment and shame due to my weight.
Now please understand. I don't harbor any bad feelings towards my Mom for that night. I really don't. It's actually probably a blessing that she pointed it out as subtly as she thought she could. Who knows? I might be 600 lbs right now instead of 272 lbs if she hadn't of said something. I also know that she would never purposely hurt my feelings. She's known me since birth. She knows what an emotional, thin-skinned person I am. She would have never come right out and said, "Tammy, you're too fat. You need to lose some weight." She knows I would have melted into a puddle right here and she'd of had to scrape me up off the floor. So I appreciate the way she said it. I'm just signifying the day that I realized I had a weight problem. I love you Mom.
From there things just got worse. The very next day I was lying out on the beach by myself while my sisters were up at the pool playing. It was too noisy up there and I wanted to hear the waves rolling in. I wanted some alone time with the ocean. I am a water FREAK. I'll take it in any form I can get it.....creeks, lakes, ocean...bathwater, lol. Doesn't matter. (As a side note, I find this so strange because my astrological sign is fire. You would think that water would be my enemy, but for some reason I'm drawn to it. It's my therapy).
Anyhoo, there I am, lying on my towel, eyes closed, soaking up some rays, minding my own business.....when 2 teenage boys come strolling past me. You can probably guess that this ended badly. I glanced up and saw them and closed my eyes again. Right as they walked past me, I heard them both chuckle and one of them said, "There's Shamu". Now we all know who Shamu is, right? That GIGANTIC killer whale at Sea World? Again, I could have died. I wanted to sink into the sand right there where I laid, never to be seen again. But no...life is cruel....I had to get up and walk all the way back to the hotel knowing I looked like a whale. Doesn't life just suck sometimes?
Fast forward a couple of months to when I left the private Christian school that I attended from K-5 through 9th grade and entered a public school in 10th grade. I was 15 years old. Talk about culture shock. This is no lie.....the entire time I went to the Christian school, I only heard one cuss word spoken out loud, and that was in the 9th grade. I got to public school and my ears/brain just couldn't process them fast enough. WOW. I had some adjusting to do.
As if adjusting to the real world of high school wasn't hard enough....I had to ride the school bus. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I endured 2 years of pure hell on that bus. There was a boy who sat in the back named Eric Fromme. (Names have not been changed to protect the innocent....the little bastard isn't innocent). He tortured and tormented me every single morning and every single afternoon for two school years. When I got on the bus, he'd time his auditory stomping noises every time I took a step.....heavy, like you might imagine it sounding if King Kong were walking down the aisle. And oh how the other kids would laugh. Here's the kicker....this was the icing on the big fat cake. He was fat. ??????!!!!!!! To this day I will never understand how one fat kid gets away with making fun of another fat kid, without being made fun of himself. I'm guessing it was his super quick wit and hilariously funny quips. Funny, that is, if they're not directed at you. I can truly say that I still hate him to this day.
There have been countless other daggers driven into my heart and twisted through the years. One day I was in Wal-mart looking around and I turned around right into this woman. When she looked at me she exclaimed, "Oh my! You must be having twins!! When are you due? It was amazing how fast, without a thought, I spit out the words, "Two weeks". It was a hair trigger reaction. She congratulated me and I got the hell out of there. I guess I had gotten so used to fat comments over the years, little kids asking, "Mommy, is she pregnant?", etc that I just spit something out as fast as I could so I could make my escape.
Then there was the doctor who I went to a physical for. He was an old, crotchety man...kind of scary really, but I had to have the physical for a job I was applying for. He flat out told me I was way too fat. He said it in a gruff, disgusted manner....not in a helpful, concerned, caring one. Fear rose in me because I knew I couldn't leave the office...I had to have that physical. No escape this time. I was going to have to sit there and take it. The nurse tried to smooth things over by saying, "Oh she just needs a little excercise...that's all....she'll be just fine". I appreciated that. Then the doctor said, "The only excercise this girl needs is to lay her fork down and push herself away from the table". That was it. I was now a puddle in the floor. The tears flooded out of my eyes, which unsettled him. He hurried up and finished with me and I literally RAN down the hall, past the receptionist that you're supposed to pay when you leave, and out the door. I didn't pay, and the doctor was the company doctor for the place I was trying to get hired at. I ended up getting the job even though I didn't pay the bill....not sure how....maybe he thought if he let me slide through he could purge some well-earned guilt from his questionable soul? I hate him too. I'd still like to stick my fork somewhere in his nether regions.
Anyhoo.....I have years worth of example of being crucified emotionally but you get the idea. When I say I understand, I mean it. I am hoping that with each pound I leave behind it will act as a little dab of salve on the wounds that have been gaping open for so long. I want to heal. I want to be truly happy with myself for the first time. I want to love me.
I was thinking about these things tonight, started crying, and decided it was time to post again and get it all out. I'm tired of carrying around the secret reasons.....I need to purge my soul. Purging leads to healing and I need to heal. It's part of closing the door on the past and looking forward to a more positive future. So here it goes.
As I said before, I've been overweight since around the age of 12. Not obese, but not thin or skinny by any means. However, I didn't REALIZE how I looked until I was around 14-15. I remember it like it was yesterday.....the moment you realize that you are a fattie. We were on a family vacation in Daytona Beach, FL. We were staying in an oceanfront hotel and I had been out at the pool playing all day with my 2 sisters. We had dinner that evening with my parents at a restaurant that must have been part of the hotel because our table was by the window overlooking the pool. I remember seeing a girl that was wearing a bathing suit that was WAY too small for her and I made the comment out loud that if I were that fat I'd NEVER wear anything like that. My mom very pointedly cleared her throat, said "Ummm..." and looked over at me. She didn't say anything else. She didn't have to. I knew exactly what she meant. I was that fat, and I had been out at the pool in a bathing suit ALL DAY LONG. I wanted to die. I felt so exposed. My entire family was sitting there witnessing this exchange and I had to try to act normal. I could feel the color rising in my face....thank God I had a bad sunburn to hide the shame that would have clearly had me looking like a lobster. I fought back the tears....swallowed them....and absolutely choked on my last few bites of dinner. It was like my throat closed up and I couldn't even swallow because my mind was telling me I was fat and didn't need to eat anymore. That was the first day leading to many years of embarassment and shame due to my weight.
Now please understand. I don't harbor any bad feelings towards my Mom for that night. I really don't. It's actually probably a blessing that she pointed it out as subtly as she thought she could. Who knows? I might be 600 lbs right now instead of 272 lbs if she hadn't of said something. I also know that she would never purposely hurt my feelings. She's known me since birth. She knows what an emotional, thin-skinned person I am. She would have never come right out and said, "Tammy, you're too fat. You need to lose some weight." She knows I would have melted into a puddle right here and she'd of had to scrape me up off the floor. So I appreciate the way she said it. I'm just signifying the day that I realized I had a weight problem. I love you Mom.
From there things just got worse. The very next day I was lying out on the beach by myself while my sisters were up at the pool playing. It was too noisy up there and I wanted to hear the waves rolling in. I wanted some alone time with the ocean. I am a water FREAK. I'll take it in any form I can get it.....creeks, lakes, ocean...bathwater, lol. Doesn't matter. (As a side note, I find this so strange because my astrological sign is fire. You would think that water would be my enemy, but for some reason I'm drawn to it. It's my therapy).
Anyhoo, there I am, lying on my towel, eyes closed, soaking up some rays, minding my own business.....when 2 teenage boys come strolling past me. You can probably guess that this ended badly. I glanced up and saw them and closed my eyes again. Right as they walked past me, I heard them both chuckle and one of them said, "There's Shamu". Now we all know who Shamu is, right? That GIGANTIC killer whale at Sea World? Again, I could have died. I wanted to sink into the sand right there where I laid, never to be seen again. But no...life is cruel....I had to get up and walk all the way back to the hotel knowing I looked like a whale. Doesn't life just suck sometimes?
Fast forward a couple of months to when I left the private Christian school that I attended from K-5 through 9th grade and entered a public school in 10th grade. I was 15 years old. Talk about culture shock. This is no lie.....the entire time I went to the Christian school, I only heard one cuss word spoken out loud, and that was in the 9th grade. I got to public school and my ears/brain just couldn't process them fast enough. WOW. I had some adjusting to do.
As if adjusting to the real world of high school wasn't hard enough....I had to ride the school bus. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I endured 2 years of pure hell on that bus. There was a boy who sat in the back named Eric Fromme. (Names have not been changed to protect the innocent....the little bastard isn't innocent). He tortured and tormented me every single morning and every single afternoon for two school years. When I got on the bus, he'd time his auditory stomping noises every time I took a step.....heavy, like you might imagine it sounding if King Kong were walking down the aisle. And oh how the other kids would laugh. Here's the kicker....this was the icing on the big fat cake. He was fat. ??????!!!!!!! To this day I will never understand how one fat kid gets away with making fun of another fat kid, without being made fun of himself. I'm guessing it was his super quick wit and hilariously funny quips. Funny, that is, if they're not directed at you. I can truly say that I still hate him to this day.
There have been countless other daggers driven into my heart and twisted through the years. One day I was in Wal-mart looking around and I turned around right into this woman. When she looked at me she exclaimed, "Oh my! You must be having twins!! When are you due? It was amazing how fast, without a thought, I spit out the words, "Two weeks". It was a hair trigger reaction. She congratulated me and I got the hell out of there. I guess I had gotten so used to fat comments over the years, little kids asking, "Mommy, is she pregnant?", etc that I just spit something out as fast as I could so I could make my escape.
Then there was the doctor who I went to a physical for. He was an old, crotchety man...kind of scary really, but I had to have the physical for a job I was applying for. He flat out told me I was way too fat. He said it in a gruff, disgusted manner....not in a helpful, concerned, caring one. Fear rose in me because I knew I couldn't leave the office...I had to have that physical. No escape this time. I was going to have to sit there and take it. The nurse tried to smooth things over by saying, "Oh she just needs a little excercise...that's all....she'll be just fine". I appreciated that. Then the doctor said, "The only excercise this girl needs is to lay her fork down and push herself away from the table". That was it. I was now a puddle in the floor. The tears flooded out of my eyes, which unsettled him. He hurried up and finished with me and I literally RAN down the hall, past the receptionist that you're supposed to pay when you leave, and out the door. I didn't pay, and the doctor was the company doctor for the place I was trying to get hired at. I ended up getting the job even though I didn't pay the bill....not sure how....maybe he thought if he let me slide through he could purge some well-earned guilt from his questionable soul? I hate him too. I'd still like to stick my fork somewhere in his nether regions.
Anyhoo.....I have years worth of example of being crucified emotionally but you get the idea. When I say I understand, I mean it. I am hoping that with each pound I leave behind it will act as a little dab of salve on the wounds that have been gaping open for so long. I want to heal. I want to be truly happy with myself for the first time. I want to love me.
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