I've just about come to a decision about my exercise plan. I explained that I have guilt being gone away from Scarlette for so many hours in a day...which would be nearly 12 if I joined another gym. I also mentioned that my fitness center at my apartment complex isn't due to open for another 3-4 weeks (and I'm not even sure I believe that, given that they've pushed the deadline back 3x now).
But I've decided that I really miss the atmosphere in a gym...everyone working towards the common goal of better health and fitness. It motivates me and pushes me to work harder and do more when I'm surrounded by like-minded people. I don't feel quite as inspired when I'm pounding out the treadmill all by myself in an apt fitness room with usually nobody else in there with you. It's just not the same motivation....however the fitness center would be a few steps from my front door, and would cut out the driving time to and from a gym every day, and I could get home to Scarlette sooner, cook dinner and eat, do my evening chores, etc.
So here's what I'm thinking. Kim at All About The Bottom Line, who I just recently met and has started her own blog, offered to be my workout partner if I wanted to join her gym. It's called LA Fitness and I looked it up online. It's a little more upscale than the previous gyms I belonged to, Bodyplex and Planet Fitness. There is NO contract, and if you sign up online, it's $9/week. You have to pay weekly and there's no sign-up fee or initiation fee...and no close-out fee if you want to stop going, because there's no contract. I talked to Dwayne last night, looked up LA Fitness online, looked at my budget....and I think I can handle $36/month. I really think it's a worthy investment...not just for my physical health, but moreso for my mental health.
As far as the compromise part goes....I won't be going to the gym 6 days a week. I'll likely go 3 days a week....2 evenings after work to meet up with Kim and workout...and sometime during the day on Sundays. That way I can get home to Scarlette sooner on the other 3 work days. When my fitness center opens at my complex, I plan on going there straight after work and hopping on the treadmill those other 3 work days. That will have me working out 3 days a week to start....actually 4, since I take Scarlette to the park with me on Saturday mornings.....and when the fitness center is complete, I'll be working out at least 6 days a week. This makes me happy. It eases my mind, gives me something positive to focus on again, and it will allow me to hang out with Kim a couple of days a week since I hardly ever get to see her.
I like my plan. What do you think? Sound good? :)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
About Yesterday...
Thank you.
Before I started writing this post this morning, I went back and re-read all of the comments from yesterday's post. First of all, thank you for not kicking me while I was down, but instead, meeting me where I was at. Sometimes that's all a girl wants....to just be listened to. But you took it further than that....you let me know that you understood, some of you completely identified and had the same feelings, and some of you told me you loved me. (Damn, I'm crying again already!)
Someone said I made her cry because I was being so mean to myself, and asked if I would treat anyone else the way I treat myself. I'm sorry I made you cry my sweet friend....and no...of course I wouldn't treat anyone else the same. But your comment put me in mind of a phrase I heard several years ago. It resonates with me so much....."Everyone knows the one person in the world you can't forgive....is yourself."
As I said in yesterday's post...I don't completely and totally hate myself. I mentioned that there are several things that I like about myself...that's definitely true. I could make you a list...I just prefer not to. It's this one area of my life....the weight....that I loathe. It disgusts me. More specifically...it's the lack of self-control in this one area that disgusts me. I have plenty of self-control in other areas...one of them being my finances. I can stick to a budget like nobody's business. I do not live above my means. I haven't had a late bill in probably 10 years. I never bounce checks or overdraw my checking account. If I can't afford to do something or buy something...I simply don't do it. It's a non-issue and common sense. I get frustrated with myself that I haven't applied that kind of self-control and no-nonsense attitude to my food choices.
I said yesterday and I'll say it again....I'm proud of myself for making the decision to finally lose the weight (no matter how long it takes)....and I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it. I do think I'm worth it...and I do think I deserve it...and that's why I continue on this journey.
Thanks to all of you for the suggestions on doing workout DVD's in my home. Also for the suggestion of a treadmill or elliptical in my home. I have reasons for not doing either of those and I'm happy to share them with you. My sweet friend Rebecca, known as screwdestiny in Blogland, and my very first blog follower who wasn't a current friend or family member, sent me some DVD's quite a while back. I also bought Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. I was using these DVD's and loved them...but it turned out to be hazardous for my sweet puppy Scarlette. You know that part in Jillian's Shred where she tells you to jog in place and raise your heels as high as you can and kick yourself in the butt?? Well everytime I would jump around like that or try to jog in place, Scarlette would think I was playing or dancing with her and she'd jump around my feet and I'd kick her right in that precious little face. When I'd do the jumping jacks, she'd think we were playing again, and I'd end up stepping on her....I'm 250 lbs...she's 9 lbs...not good, lol. After several times of kicking my little puppy and stepping on her, I finally had to give up exercising inside the house. I can't put her in a room and lock her up while I'm doing it, because she scratches all the paint off the door to get back to me. It just wasn't working out, lol.
As far as the elliptical or a treadmill in my house....I've got weird views on that. Besides the fact that I have very limited space in my tiny 1 bedroom apt...I kind of never wanted to be one of those people who bought a piece of exercise equipment for their home, and then a month later was using it to gather dust and hang clothes on. If I know 10 people who own a treadmill, 9 of them are using it for this purpose and not the purpose intended. So I just kind of told myself I'd exercise outside the home...either make it a point to use the treadmill at the fitness center, like at my last apt I lived in before my parent's rental house...or go to the gym....those would be my "exercise zones"...a place where the only reason you're going is to actually exercise. It's a mindset for me, I guess.
Good ol' Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing. I swear, sometimes I think she is my mirror image. So many of our thoughts are perfectly aligned. She mentioned in her comment yesterday that she wasn't offended when I say I hate myself because she immediately identifies with it. Bless her heart. She also said that she understood why I want to get back to exercising so bad....it's not just to drop weight faster and tone up...but it's to release the physical energy exerted on the self-loathing. YES!!!!! That's it...that's it exactly. You can't hate your inaction on the weight loss front when you're actively engaged in exercising....it frees my mind....I mentioned a noble feeling in yesterday's post after a workout....it does more for my mind and spirit than it will ever do for my body.
I'm kicking around some ideas. There's only one reason I've hesistated on the gym, and that's time away from Scarlette. I leave my house at 7:15am and I return home at 5:30pm....so I'm already away from her 10 hours a day. I have guilt over that. My plan for when the fitness center is open is to go straight from work to the fitness center....walk on the treadmill for 30-45 mins a day, and then into the apt to spend the rest of the evening with my baby. That puts me away from her for 11 hours a day. But if I join a gym or the Y....add on another 20 mins driving each way to get to the one I'm thinking of....and now I'm away from her for nearly 12 hours a day. It makes me sad, lol. I know this is silly and something I need to get over...I know this. I'm working on it. I wish the dang fitness center at the apt would just open and my problems would be solved. But on the other hand, I don't know if my mind can handle another month of inactivity. So I'm probably going to check out a gym this wknd that I think has a $15/mo, no-contract set up.
I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do. In the meantime...thank you all so much for reading what I write and sharing your own thoughts with me. I can't imagine doing this without you. Have a good day friends. :)
Before I started writing this post this morning, I went back and re-read all of the comments from yesterday's post. First of all, thank you for not kicking me while I was down, but instead, meeting me where I was at. Sometimes that's all a girl wants....to just be listened to. But you took it further than that....you let me know that you understood, some of you completely identified and had the same feelings, and some of you told me you loved me. (Damn, I'm crying again already!)
Someone said I made her cry because I was being so mean to myself, and asked if I would treat anyone else the way I treat myself. I'm sorry I made you cry my sweet friend....and no...of course I wouldn't treat anyone else the same. But your comment put me in mind of a phrase I heard several years ago. It resonates with me so much....."Everyone knows the one person in the world you can't forgive....is yourself."
As I said in yesterday's post...I don't completely and totally hate myself. I mentioned that there are several things that I like about myself...that's definitely true. I could make you a list...I just prefer not to. It's this one area of my life....the weight....that I loathe. It disgusts me. More specifically...it's the lack of self-control in this one area that disgusts me. I have plenty of self-control in other areas...one of them being my finances. I can stick to a budget like nobody's business. I do not live above my means. I haven't had a late bill in probably 10 years. I never bounce checks or overdraw my checking account. If I can't afford to do something or buy something...I simply don't do it. It's a non-issue and common sense. I get frustrated with myself that I haven't applied that kind of self-control and no-nonsense attitude to my food choices.
I said yesterday and I'll say it again....I'm proud of myself for making the decision to finally lose the weight (no matter how long it takes)....and I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it. I do think I'm worth it...and I do think I deserve it...and that's why I continue on this journey.
Thanks to all of you for the suggestions on doing workout DVD's in my home. Also for the suggestion of a treadmill or elliptical in my home. I have reasons for not doing either of those and I'm happy to share them with you. My sweet friend Rebecca, known as screwdestiny in Blogland, and my very first blog follower who wasn't a current friend or family member, sent me some DVD's quite a while back. I also bought Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. I was using these DVD's and loved them...but it turned out to be hazardous for my sweet puppy Scarlette. You know that part in Jillian's Shred where she tells you to jog in place and raise your heels as high as you can and kick yourself in the butt?? Well everytime I would jump around like that or try to jog in place, Scarlette would think I was playing or dancing with her and she'd jump around my feet and I'd kick her right in that precious little face. When I'd do the jumping jacks, she'd think we were playing again, and I'd end up stepping on her....I'm 250 lbs...she's 9 lbs...not good, lol. After several times of kicking my little puppy and stepping on her, I finally had to give up exercising inside the house. I can't put her in a room and lock her up while I'm doing it, because she scratches all the paint off the door to get back to me. It just wasn't working out, lol.
As far as the elliptical or a treadmill in my house....I've got weird views on that. Besides the fact that I have very limited space in my tiny 1 bedroom apt...I kind of never wanted to be one of those people who bought a piece of exercise equipment for their home, and then a month later was using it to gather dust and hang clothes on. If I know 10 people who own a treadmill, 9 of them are using it for this purpose and not the purpose intended. So I just kind of told myself I'd exercise outside the home...either make it a point to use the treadmill at the fitness center, like at my last apt I lived in before my parent's rental house...or go to the gym....those would be my "exercise zones"...a place where the only reason you're going is to actually exercise. It's a mindset for me, I guess.
Good ol' Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing. I swear, sometimes I think she is my mirror image. So many of our thoughts are perfectly aligned. She mentioned in her comment yesterday that she wasn't offended when I say I hate myself because she immediately identifies with it. Bless her heart. She also said that she understood why I want to get back to exercising so bad....it's not just to drop weight faster and tone up...but it's to release the physical energy exerted on the self-loathing. YES!!!!! That's it...that's it exactly. You can't hate your inaction on the weight loss front when you're actively engaged in exercising....it frees my mind....I mentioned a noble feeling in yesterday's post after a workout....it does more for my mind and spirit than it will ever do for my body.
I'm kicking around some ideas. There's only one reason I've hesistated on the gym, and that's time away from Scarlette. I leave my house at 7:15am and I return home at 5:30pm....so I'm already away from her 10 hours a day. I have guilt over that. My plan for when the fitness center is open is to go straight from work to the fitness center....walk on the treadmill for 30-45 mins a day, and then into the apt to spend the rest of the evening with my baby. That puts me away from her for 11 hours a day. But if I join a gym or the Y....add on another 20 mins driving each way to get to the one I'm thinking of....and now I'm away from her for nearly 12 hours a day. It makes me sad, lol. I know this is silly and something I need to get over...I know this. I'm working on it. I wish the dang fitness center at the apt would just open and my problems would be solved. But on the other hand, I don't know if my mind can handle another month of inactivity. So I'm probably going to check out a gym this wknd that I think has a $15/mo, no-contract set up.
I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do. In the meantime...thank you all so much for reading what I write and sharing your own thoughts with me. I can't imagine doing this without you. Have a good day friends. :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
Self-Honesty Is A B*tch
Where do I start?
I can't get away from myself. Have you ever tried to do that?? Get away from yourself? It's impossible. No matter where you are, what you're doing, how you try to distract yourself with other things...your thoughts always follow you. They're always there.....and at times, they can be haunting...nagging...eating away at you until you finally stop running, and turn and face them head on. Thus....this blog post.
I was extra tired tonight....Mondays are always extra busy but I suspect some of the lethargy had to do with the stupid eating I did this past wknd, which I confessed to in my last post. I came home and had a turkey sandwich and a plum for dinner....baked some chicken breasts for my egg white scrambles in the mornings, cleaned my kitchen, did the dishes, washed 2 loads of laundry, and dropped in bed at 8pm. I was tired....thought I'd be asleep in 5 minutes. Nope. I laid there and tossed and turned for TWO HOURS.
Thoughts about my weight lossbattle journey kept running through my mind....along with thoughts about other people's journeys....or more specifically....their triumphs. I posted last Friday about my friend "266" reaching her 1 year anniversary of losing weight (I believe she's at her goal weight). I've been thinking about her every day since then. The images that she had on her video keep flashing in my mind....such pride...such joy...such hard won success...and it showed. It's imprinted on my brain. I want that for myself.
Tonight, while clicking around in blogs, I came across Bitchcakes blog, whom I've posted about before. I haven't been by her blog in quite a while...so I totally missed the post on July 28th where she finally reached her goal weight after what I believe was a 4 year-long battle. Those 4 years included a 2+ year plateau. Can you imagine??? Being at a plateau for OVER 2 YEARS...but not losing sight of your goal, sticking with it and continuing on until you finally cross that finish line? That post was so poignant....her words flowed and I felt every emotion she expressed. Such intense and appreciative relfection on everything she'd been through in the last 4 years. I did the same thing I did when I watched 266's video last Friday....I cried my eyes out. Happy tears for these amazing women for hanging in there and getting it done....sticking with it all the way to the end....never losing sight of their goals because they knew.....they knew what was at the end of that long, hard road. They knew that one day, whether it be sooner or later, all of their work...their sweat...their tears...their falling off the wagon and climbing back on....their perseverance and tenacity would one day pay off in the best way possible.
I laid in the bed just a little while ago and finally stopped running from my thoughts. I just laid there and all of the thoughts that I'd been keeping at bay for the last couple of months....I let them flow in and consume me. I laid there and cried pititful tears. I cried for all times I've screwed up...all the times I've let myself down with my weight loss goals....all the times I've let my consistency fall by the wayside. I cried for being so weak-minded when it comes to food choices.....and for the knowledge that it's my fault that I'm as big as I am. It's my fault for letting myself get all the way up to 340 lbs and stretching out the skin on my body so badly that without a very expensive surgery, my body will never look good to me. I cried because I'm afraid that when I do finally reach my goal, I'm still going to be unhappy, simply because of the skin damage that's already been done, and just isn't reversible without a surgery I'll probably never be able to afford.
I also cried because I know I'm not doing enough right now to lose the weight and I've been trying to ignore it...or put it off...in my mind. With the exception of this past weekend, I've been doing really well with my food intake during this challenge....but there's been virtually no exercise...just a walk on Saturday mornings with my baby Scarlette. It's not enough, and I know it. When I moved to my apartment, I cancelled the gym membership close to my old house. It's too far of a drive from where I live now, but the main reason is I found it senseless to pay a $20 gym membership fee when I moved into an apartment complex that's going to have a fitness center. A new property management company bought this complex last December and they are doing 4.5 million dollars worth of improvements. One of those improvements is a new fitness center. But they keep pushing back the date that it's going to be ready. When I asked last Friday, they said it's going to be another 3-4 weeks.
I've opted not to walk outside at a park after work simply because of the heat. Down here in Atlanta, we have several days a week where the heat index is 104-107 degrees. That's dangerously high. I want to ignore it and go out and exercise anyway, but I'm constantly hearing on the news where people are ending up in the hospital from heat exhaustion. So I keep telling myself it would just be stupid to exercise outdoors right now. And I keep waiting on the fitness center to open so I can use the treadmill and elliptical. But it's just not good enough.
I know this is going to sound weird to you, because it sounds weird to me...but I'm craving exercise. I'm actually missing it. The fact that I haven't been doing it for a while is really messing with my head. I finally let myself do the whole self-honesty thing tonight that Sean's always talking about...and it's painful...but it's also cleansing. You have to acknowledge the problem before you can fix the problem. Ignoring it or putting it off doesn't make it go away. How do I know this? Because I wake up in the same fat body every morning. I hate my fat body, and I hate myself even more for MAKING my body fat.
What I'm fixing to say next is liable to offend some people. I'll apologize ahead of time for any offense, because that's never my intention....but I can't let it keep me from journaling my thoughts and getting all of the toxicity out of my brain. We are all different. We are all motivated by different things, and we all have different beliefs.
Self-honesty for me leads to self-hate. But in MY case, that's not a bad thing. Hate is my motivator. It's what makes me know in my heart of hearts that one day, I WILL get this right. No matter how many do-over's it takes....one day I will experience the exact same exuberant, euphoric joy and triumph that Bitchcakes, 266 and so many others have experienced. I can see it in my mind's eye. I can picture the day that I hit my goal....I can truly wrap my mind around the pride I'm going to feel, because I know that I WILL feel it. It's not a matter of "if" anymore, like it was for so many years.....now it's a matter of "when".
I know that a lot of people gasp when they hear someone say they hate themselves. They say that you can't or won't get the weight off until you learn to love yourself. They say that you're ok now...just the way you are...right where you are...whether you ever lose another pound or not. There's a fine line here for me.
I do hate myself for the choices I've made that led me to morbid obesity. And while I'm in this vein, let me say that I do believe it's all about my own personal choices, and my own personal responsibility. I am responsible for getting to 340 lbs. I am not, nor have I ever been, a victim of circumstance. I wasn't abused as a child or an adult. I had the most loving, supportive, encouraging parents in the world. I come from a very close knit family that had plenty of money and all of my needs were taken care of. Nobody shoved food down my face. I have a thyroid problem, but have never blamed my thyroid, because when I was first diagnosed with it at 30 years old, my doctor told me hypothyroidism can be the blame for about 30 extra lbs. of weight on a person. She said that it doesn't mean you can't lose those 30 lbs, it just means it's a little more difficult than it is for someone w/o a thyroid problem. So I've never blamed the thyroid. I also have PCOS...but that is not the cause of any of my weight gain....it is a SYMPTOM of my weight gain.
Now...back to the self-hatred. I can honestly say that this goes way, WAY back. I've been at the very least, overweight, for as far back as I can remember. Seriously. I want to say maybe as young as 12-13 I was overweight. I can remember being made fun of at school during these years. I could blame it on that...but the people that made fun of me still weren't shoving food down my throat. I was. I always found it fascinating how some girls would develop anorexia or bulimia to keep from being made fun of or to be accepted and in the "cool" crowd. I remember being jealous of them because in my young teenage mind, it took such major self-control to not eat....when I ate everything. I got fat. They didn't. How did they manage so much self-control? Didn't pizza smell good to them? How did they keep from eating in the cafeteria when everyone else was eating? God knows I was. I really, seriously used to revere those girls in my mind because they had something I didn't. Self-control. And I hated myself for it. No matter how much I wish I had it, I could never seem to achieve it, and I really think that's where the self-hatred cycle started.
I'm a no-bullsh*t kind of person....the way I think and what I will and won't put up with have really changed over the years since I've aged. I'm more mentally strong now than I've ever been, and I'm proud of that. I'm also a lot less thin-skinned. I'm still very emotional, and can cry at the drop of a hat...but what sparks those tears have changed. I don't face plant in a plate of food anymore when someone makes fun of me...and yes, it still happens occasionally, even at my age. Nobody that counts....some guy driving down the road who likes to hang out his car window and make fun of fat people....that kind of random thing. It still brings a tear to my eye, but I've grown enough and matured enough in this journey to know that bingeing on something WORSENS the problem.
Now, instead of the self-hatred keeping me in the bingeing cycle, it inspires me to make better choices. To tell you the truth, I haven't had an all-out binge in months and months. That is true progress. Amazing progress. One of the biggest milestones I've had so far in the 90 lbs. I've dropped since my highest point. When I look at myself naked in the mirror every morning before my shower, it's that disgust that makes me say, "I'm going to make this a good eating day. I'm really going to strive for consistency. I need to find a way to start exercising again. I'm sick and tired of looking at all this disgusting fat hanging off of me and there's only one way to change it. It's up to me."
The fine line that I was talking about earlier before I got off on my "school days" tangent is this......I do not hate every single thing about myself. There's a lot of stuff I like. I'm not going to list them, because that would make me sound vain, and I'm not a big fan of vanity. I find it unattractive. But I will say this...I'm proud of myself for making the choice to lose the weight. I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it. I'm even proud of myself for NOT losing it for Dwayne, who would love to see me at a smaller size. Dwayne in regards to my weight is a whole other story and one that I'm not ready to delve into. He loves me and I absolutely know that....but some things could be better. I'll leave it at that.
I'm also proud of myself for getting up every time I fall. One of the things that's going to be so sweet about reaching my goal is how very long it took me to get there. I've learned a lot of lessons along the way, thanks to finding Blogland. And I've learned a lot about myself....I've learned just what I'm made of, and it's pretty good stuff.
The one thing I'm really, really struggling with right now is the exercise. I have to figure out how I'm going to get it done. Due to the heat and the fitness center taking so long to be completed, I'm actually considering joining another gym. I'm on a very tight budget, so it would have to be one of those no-contract, $20/month jobbies....but I'm considering it. I actually miss the gym. Some people hate it....feel like they're being stared at, etc. It's all in your head. Trust me...nobody gives a crap how many of your fat rolls are jiggling. In fact, the more fat rolls I see jiggling on someone in front of me on the treadmill, the prouder I am of them!!! No joke. It inspires me to no end to see someone set aside their fears and insecurities and just get in there and get the work done. Hell, if anyone needs to be in the gym, it's us fat people!! And I love that sense of comraderie....everyone working towards the common goal of getting fit and taking care of themselves. It's like you're finally part of the "cool" club....it's cool to get healthy and get fit. There's no arguing that point. It's such a noble feeling when you've left the gym pouring sweat, smelling like hot garbage and looking like you've just been run over by a Mack truck. There's nothing wrong with feeling that kind of pride....it's good for the mind and the spirit. I miss it. Whether I choose another gym, or some other form of exercise...I want to feel that feeling again of knowing I'm on the right track to losing this weight for good.
As far as the self-loathing over the loose skin.....I'm still working on that. There's a lot of mental work that goes into losing the weight, and keeping it off for good. A TON of mental work. I'm going to be extremely proud of what I've accomplished when I hit my goal of 170. Maybe as I get closer to goal, even though the loose skin problem will likely get worse, maybe the pride and sense of accomplishment I feel will overpower the regret of abusing my body for so many years. I don't know what's going to happen with that. All I know to do is to press forward and learn to face these issues as they come, instead of burying them or ignoring them, and continuing to stall out. Today was full of good choices, and tomorrow will be, too. I'm going to keep pecking away at this until I get it right....and maybe now that I've gotten all of this out of my system, I can finally get some sleep.
Thanks for listening to my crap....and thanks especially to those who are hanging in there with me because, just like me, you know where I'm going to end up. :)
I can't get away from myself. Have you ever tried to do that?? Get away from yourself? It's impossible. No matter where you are, what you're doing, how you try to distract yourself with other things...your thoughts always follow you. They're always there.....and at times, they can be haunting...nagging...eating away at you until you finally stop running, and turn and face them head on. Thus....this blog post.
I was extra tired tonight....Mondays are always extra busy but I suspect some of the lethargy had to do with the stupid eating I did this past wknd, which I confessed to in my last post. I came home and had a turkey sandwich and a plum for dinner....baked some chicken breasts for my egg white scrambles in the mornings, cleaned my kitchen, did the dishes, washed 2 loads of laundry, and dropped in bed at 8pm. I was tired....thought I'd be asleep in 5 minutes. Nope. I laid there and tossed and turned for TWO HOURS.
Thoughts about my weight loss
Tonight, while clicking around in blogs, I came across Bitchcakes blog, whom I've posted about before. I haven't been by her blog in quite a while...so I totally missed the post on July 28th where she finally reached her goal weight after what I believe was a 4 year-long battle. Those 4 years included a 2+ year plateau. Can you imagine??? Being at a plateau for OVER 2 YEARS...but not losing sight of your goal, sticking with it and continuing on until you finally cross that finish line? That post was so poignant....her words flowed and I felt every emotion she expressed. Such intense and appreciative relfection on everything she'd been through in the last 4 years. I did the same thing I did when I watched 266's video last Friday....I cried my eyes out. Happy tears for these amazing women for hanging in there and getting it done....sticking with it all the way to the end....never losing sight of their goals because they knew.....they knew what was at the end of that long, hard road. They knew that one day, whether it be sooner or later, all of their work...their sweat...their tears...their falling off the wagon and climbing back on....their perseverance and tenacity would one day pay off in the best way possible.
I laid in the bed just a little while ago and finally stopped running from my thoughts. I just laid there and all of the thoughts that I'd been keeping at bay for the last couple of months....I let them flow in and consume me. I laid there and cried pititful tears. I cried for all times I've screwed up...all the times I've let myself down with my weight loss goals....all the times I've let my consistency fall by the wayside. I cried for being so weak-minded when it comes to food choices.....and for the knowledge that it's my fault that I'm as big as I am. It's my fault for letting myself get all the way up to 340 lbs and stretching out the skin on my body so badly that without a very expensive surgery, my body will never look good to me. I cried because I'm afraid that when I do finally reach my goal, I'm still going to be unhappy, simply because of the skin damage that's already been done, and just isn't reversible without a surgery I'll probably never be able to afford.
I also cried because I know I'm not doing enough right now to lose the weight and I've been trying to ignore it...or put it off...in my mind. With the exception of this past weekend, I've been doing really well with my food intake during this challenge....but there's been virtually no exercise...just a walk on Saturday mornings with my baby Scarlette. It's not enough, and I know it. When I moved to my apartment, I cancelled the gym membership close to my old house. It's too far of a drive from where I live now, but the main reason is I found it senseless to pay a $20 gym membership fee when I moved into an apartment complex that's going to have a fitness center. A new property management company bought this complex last December and they are doing 4.5 million dollars worth of improvements. One of those improvements is a new fitness center. But they keep pushing back the date that it's going to be ready. When I asked last Friday, they said it's going to be another 3-4 weeks.
I've opted not to walk outside at a park after work simply because of the heat. Down here in Atlanta, we have several days a week where the heat index is 104-107 degrees. That's dangerously high. I want to ignore it and go out and exercise anyway, but I'm constantly hearing on the news where people are ending up in the hospital from heat exhaustion. So I keep telling myself it would just be stupid to exercise outdoors right now. And I keep waiting on the fitness center to open so I can use the treadmill and elliptical. But it's just not good enough.
I know this is going to sound weird to you, because it sounds weird to me...but I'm craving exercise. I'm actually missing it. The fact that I haven't been doing it for a while is really messing with my head. I finally let myself do the whole self-honesty thing tonight that Sean's always talking about...and it's painful...but it's also cleansing. You have to acknowledge the problem before you can fix the problem. Ignoring it or putting it off doesn't make it go away. How do I know this? Because I wake up in the same fat body every morning. I hate my fat body, and I hate myself even more for MAKING my body fat.
What I'm fixing to say next is liable to offend some people. I'll apologize ahead of time for any offense, because that's never my intention....but I can't let it keep me from journaling my thoughts and getting all of the toxicity out of my brain. We are all different. We are all motivated by different things, and we all have different beliefs.
Self-honesty for me leads to self-hate. But in MY case, that's not a bad thing. Hate is my motivator. It's what makes me know in my heart of hearts that one day, I WILL get this right. No matter how many do-over's it takes....one day I will experience the exact same exuberant, euphoric joy and triumph that Bitchcakes, 266 and so many others have experienced. I can see it in my mind's eye. I can picture the day that I hit my goal....I can truly wrap my mind around the pride I'm going to feel, because I know that I WILL feel it. It's not a matter of "if" anymore, like it was for so many years.....now it's a matter of "when".
I know that a lot of people gasp when they hear someone say they hate themselves. They say that you can't or won't get the weight off until you learn to love yourself. They say that you're ok now...just the way you are...right where you are...whether you ever lose another pound or not. There's a fine line here for me.
I do hate myself for the choices I've made that led me to morbid obesity. And while I'm in this vein, let me say that I do believe it's all about my own personal choices, and my own personal responsibility. I am responsible for getting to 340 lbs. I am not, nor have I ever been, a victim of circumstance. I wasn't abused as a child or an adult. I had the most loving, supportive, encouraging parents in the world. I come from a very close knit family that had plenty of money and all of my needs were taken care of. Nobody shoved food down my face. I have a thyroid problem, but have never blamed my thyroid, because when I was first diagnosed with it at 30 years old, my doctor told me hypothyroidism can be the blame for about 30 extra lbs. of weight on a person. She said that it doesn't mean you can't lose those 30 lbs, it just means it's a little more difficult than it is for someone w/o a thyroid problem. So I've never blamed the thyroid. I also have PCOS...but that is not the cause of any of my weight gain....it is a SYMPTOM of my weight gain.
Now...back to the self-hatred. I can honestly say that this goes way, WAY back. I've been at the very least, overweight, for as far back as I can remember. Seriously. I want to say maybe as young as 12-13 I was overweight. I can remember being made fun of at school during these years. I could blame it on that...but the people that made fun of me still weren't shoving food down my throat. I was. I always found it fascinating how some girls would develop anorexia or bulimia to keep from being made fun of or to be accepted and in the "cool" crowd. I remember being jealous of them because in my young teenage mind, it took such major self-control to not eat....when I ate everything. I got fat. They didn't. How did they manage so much self-control? Didn't pizza smell good to them? How did they keep from eating in the cafeteria when everyone else was eating? God knows I was. I really, seriously used to revere those girls in my mind because they had something I didn't. Self-control. And I hated myself for it. No matter how much I wish I had it, I could never seem to achieve it, and I really think that's where the self-hatred cycle started.
I'm a no-bullsh*t kind of person....the way I think and what I will and won't put up with have really changed over the years since I've aged. I'm more mentally strong now than I've ever been, and I'm proud of that. I'm also a lot less thin-skinned. I'm still very emotional, and can cry at the drop of a hat...but what sparks those tears have changed. I don't face plant in a plate of food anymore when someone makes fun of me...and yes, it still happens occasionally, even at my age. Nobody that counts....some guy driving down the road who likes to hang out his car window and make fun of fat people....that kind of random thing. It still brings a tear to my eye, but I've grown enough and matured enough in this journey to know that bingeing on something WORSENS the problem.
Now, instead of the self-hatred keeping me in the bingeing cycle, it inspires me to make better choices. To tell you the truth, I haven't had an all-out binge in months and months. That is true progress. Amazing progress. One of the biggest milestones I've had so far in the 90 lbs. I've dropped since my highest point. When I look at myself naked in the mirror every morning before my shower, it's that disgust that makes me say, "I'm going to make this a good eating day. I'm really going to strive for consistency. I need to find a way to start exercising again. I'm sick and tired of looking at all this disgusting fat hanging off of me and there's only one way to change it. It's up to me."
The fine line that I was talking about earlier before I got off on my "school days" tangent is this......I do not hate every single thing about myself. There's a lot of stuff I like. I'm not going to list them, because that would make me sound vain, and I'm not a big fan of vanity. I find it unattractive. But I will say this...I'm proud of myself for making the choice to lose the weight. I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it. I'm even proud of myself for NOT losing it for Dwayne, who would love to see me at a smaller size. Dwayne in regards to my weight is a whole other story and one that I'm not ready to delve into. He loves me and I absolutely know that....but some things could be better. I'll leave it at that.
I'm also proud of myself for getting up every time I fall. One of the things that's going to be so sweet about reaching my goal is how very long it took me to get there. I've learned a lot of lessons along the way, thanks to finding Blogland. And I've learned a lot about myself....I've learned just what I'm made of, and it's pretty good stuff.
The one thing I'm really, really struggling with right now is the exercise. I have to figure out how I'm going to get it done. Due to the heat and the fitness center taking so long to be completed, I'm actually considering joining another gym. I'm on a very tight budget, so it would have to be one of those no-contract, $20/month jobbies....but I'm considering it. I actually miss the gym. Some people hate it....feel like they're being stared at, etc. It's all in your head. Trust me...nobody gives a crap how many of your fat rolls are jiggling. In fact, the more fat rolls I see jiggling on someone in front of me on the treadmill, the prouder I am of them!!! No joke. It inspires me to no end to see someone set aside their fears and insecurities and just get in there and get the work done. Hell, if anyone needs to be in the gym, it's us fat people!! And I love that sense of comraderie....everyone working towards the common goal of getting fit and taking care of themselves. It's like you're finally part of the "cool" club....it's cool to get healthy and get fit. There's no arguing that point. It's such a noble feeling when you've left the gym pouring sweat, smelling like hot garbage and looking like you've just been run over by a Mack truck. There's nothing wrong with feeling that kind of pride....it's good for the mind and the spirit. I miss it. Whether I choose another gym, or some other form of exercise...I want to feel that feeling again of knowing I'm on the right track to losing this weight for good.
As far as the self-loathing over the loose skin.....I'm still working on that. There's a lot of mental work that goes into losing the weight, and keeping it off for good. A TON of mental work. I'm going to be extremely proud of what I've accomplished when I hit my goal of 170. Maybe as I get closer to goal, even though the loose skin problem will likely get worse, maybe the pride and sense of accomplishment I feel will overpower the regret of abusing my body for so many years. I don't know what's going to happen with that. All I know to do is to press forward and learn to face these issues as they come, instead of burying them or ignoring them, and continuing to stall out. Today was full of good choices, and tomorrow will be, too. I'm going to keep pecking away at this until I get it right....and maybe now that I've gotten all of this out of my system, I can finally get some sleep.
Thanks for listening to my crap....and thanks especially to those who are hanging in there with me because, just like me, you know where I'm going to end up. :)
Two Down: Two To Go!
I had a busy weekend filled with bad eating choices. There...I said it. Time to move on! Oh...we need to reminisce about it? Fine...here's what I did....
Friday was ok....egg white scramble for breakfast and grilled chicken for lunch from a place called El Pollo Loco. Then came dinner out with Dwayne, my supervisor and friend Billie and my ex-roommate Shane (who married Billie!)....we had a great time with Shane and Billie....but dinner was at a Chinese buffet. One plate of food...but a big plate, and it had some fried stuff on it, too.
Saturday morning was a tuna salad sandwich on a whole wheat bun because I already had the tuna mixed up and didn't feel like cooking...shared it with Scarlette. Yes, my dog loves tuna salad, lol. Then she and I headed to the park for a walk....we ended up taking a trail through the woods at the back of the park, and ended up in a completely different park....so we had to turn around and re-trace our steps, and it ended up being at least an hour long walk...maybe a little longer. That felt good.
After that, I went back to the apt....drug Dwayne out of bed, fixed his breakfast, got my shower, headed to the salon for a manicure, then to Publix to pick up a few things. I got back home around 2pm and had brought back some food from the Publix deli....fried chicken tenders and Mardi Gras wings...I think those ones are baked. Stirred up some honey and mustard for a sauce...and that was lunch. I was pretty much feeling like dog poop at this point due to my cycle...it looks like this one is going to last the full 2 weeks because it is STILL hanging around and yesterday and today I've been having SEVERE cramps. I really hate this crap. Anyhoo...back to Saturday....feeling bloated from the cycle and in a good amount of pain due to my PCOS, and very, very lethargic. Took a nap on the loveseat and woke up an hour later. Just couldn't get to feeling good, didn't feel like doing any chores around the house...so I sat in front of the TV like a lump. About 7pm I told Dwayne I didnt' feel like cooking, and we ordered Blue Moon pizza...his half was sausage and pepperoni....my half was meatballs and mushrooms....I ate 2 of the 4 pieces....and decided to throw the other 2 pieces away so I wouldn't eat them the next morning....I LOVE cold pizza for breakfast.
Sunday morning I had a bagel with one egg and lite mayo on it. It was one of those full-fat, full-calorie, like 300 calories a piece bagels....which I haven't seen since I was on vacation at the beach with Dwayne in May. We had ran into Walmart after dinner out on Friday at the Chinese restaurant, and Dwayne picked them up for his breakfast this wknd. I knew it was dangerous....I knew they shouldn't be in my house....but I feel stupid telling him what he can and can't bring into the house....I feel like I should have more control and actually be able to act like a sane adult no matter what food is around me. Well I failed big time at that. I resisted the bagels Sat morning...but I totally caved Sunday and ate one with an egg on it. And not an egg white...a whole egg. Which means 75 calories as opposed to 17.
At this point in the weekend, I pretty much threw in the towel. I had made such a series of bad choices, that I didn't want to even put in the effort to TRY and recover...and I very consciously said "to hell with it". I was supposed to meet Kim, Crys and Tina for lunch and shopping at the Farmer's Market at 11:30am. Kim texted me and told me she was feeling ill and unable to make it....and then Tina called me and said Crys had an impromptu business meeting I think, and she had to cancel also. Well Tina and I had both planned on doing our grocery shopping for the week at the Farmer's Market, so instead of cancelling, we went ahead and met up and had a GREAT time together.
They have a salad bar and a hot bar there. Tina headed straight for the salad bar while I got a little salad, then made a beeline for the hot bar. I got a little spoon of baked chicken & pineapple w/ red & green peppers, a small piece of baked turkey, 3 baked italian herb chicken wings, half of a fried chicken breast...and the salad I had already put on my plate. We had water to drink. It was very tasty, and we enjoyed fabulous conversation. Then we shopped!! That store is just fantastic...it's got all kinds of stuff..anything you could want (including a fabulous bakery). I got a small, single-serving chocolate cheesecake and a pecan tart to take home and share with Dwayne...I ate 2-3 bites of each, and gave him the rest. I bought some produce, tilapia, chicken sausage, and some white pepper and herbs de provence in the spice section....and only spent $37. Not bad! I plan on returning very soon. The conversastion and visit with Tina was wonderful...she is just such an awesome person.....so down-to-earth, kind, hilarious, and generally just a great person to be around. Can't wait to see her again soon, too.
Went back home....cramps were KILLING me...and while I had a good time visiting and shopping with Tina, and was feeling like crapola, physically. After I got home....around 2:30pm.....I split a meatball sub with Dwayne from Subway....knowing I had plans to meet another friend and old co-worker for dinner at 5pm. Well Tasha ended up running a little late...she didn't get to Wild Wing Cafe til 5:30...and then it took us until 6pm to decide what we wanted. I ended up eating 3/4 of an order of fried mushrooms off the appetizer menu, 2 slider burgers with cheese, onion, pickle and ketchup...and the fries that came with it...every one of them. Not hideous enough yet??? Let me continue!!!
Before I left to meet Tasha....I had made dinner for Dwayne at the apt.....baked some bbq baby back ribs that I found on sale at Publix...and some homemade fries. Tasha and I hung out and talked at the restaurant til 8pm...then I ran by Publix and picked up a few things....getting home around 9pm....and what did I do? I ate again!!!! There were ribs and fries left....so I had 3 of the baby back ribs and 3 of the homemade fries. At this point I'm so miserable, physically and mentally, that I'm just ready to lay down and DIE. This is the worst weekend eating-wise that I've had in many, many months. Even when things were in chaos while I was having my garage sale, packing up my whole house, and getting moved....I didn't do NEAR as bad as I did this wknd. And for no good reason...I just didn't feel like trying. Yes, I felt like crap physically due to the bad cycle....but it's not a good enough reason to excuse what I did with my eating choices.
I'm feeling really stupid this morning...and bloated, and irritable, and sad...you name it..I'm feelin' it. :(
However....there has to come a point where the bad choices end and the good ones ensue. Today is that day. I was running late this morning...woke up feeling like garbage and just could not get motivated. I was late in getting out the door so didn't take time to pack my lunch, although my frig is stocked with healthy choices. For breakfast, I made a quick sandwich on wheat sourdough bread I got at the Farmer's Market and some 47% lower sodium Boar's Head turkey breast I got at Publix. I ate half of it.....deciced that was all I needed for breakfast, and wrapped up the other half and threw it in the frig. Got my shower, threw on some clothes and eye make-up and darted out the door. No lunch packed....but whatever I decide to get...it's going to be WAY better than anything I had over the weekend. And yes, I got on the scale this morning when I got out of bed....and you can probably imagine just how incredibly bad it was. Last Friday I was 249.something? This morning I was 256.something. Damn. Hmmm. Wonder how that happened...lol..just teasing. I know exactly how that happened...and now you do, too.
Moving on......have a great day friends....:)
Friday was ok....egg white scramble for breakfast and grilled chicken for lunch from a place called El Pollo Loco. Then came dinner out with Dwayne, my supervisor and friend Billie and my ex-roommate Shane (who married Billie!)....we had a great time with Shane and Billie....but dinner was at a Chinese buffet. One plate of food...but a big plate, and it had some fried stuff on it, too.
Saturday morning was a tuna salad sandwich on a whole wheat bun because I already had the tuna mixed up and didn't feel like cooking...shared it with Scarlette. Yes, my dog loves tuna salad, lol. Then she and I headed to the park for a walk....we ended up taking a trail through the woods at the back of the park, and ended up in a completely different park....so we had to turn around and re-trace our steps, and it ended up being at least an hour long walk...maybe a little longer. That felt good.
After that, I went back to the apt....drug Dwayne out of bed, fixed his breakfast, got my shower, headed to the salon for a manicure, then to Publix to pick up a few things. I got back home around 2pm and had brought back some food from the Publix deli....fried chicken tenders and Mardi Gras wings...I think those ones are baked. Stirred up some honey and mustard for a sauce...and that was lunch. I was pretty much feeling like dog poop at this point due to my cycle...it looks like this one is going to last the full 2 weeks because it is STILL hanging around and yesterday and today I've been having SEVERE cramps. I really hate this crap. Anyhoo...back to Saturday....feeling bloated from the cycle and in a good amount of pain due to my PCOS, and very, very lethargic. Took a nap on the loveseat and woke up an hour later. Just couldn't get to feeling good, didn't feel like doing any chores around the house...so I sat in front of the TV like a lump. About 7pm I told Dwayne I didnt' feel like cooking, and we ordered Blue Moon pizza...his half was sausage and pepperoni....my half was meatballs and mushrooms....I ate 2 of the 4 pieces....and decided to throw the other 2 pieces away so I wouldn't eat them the next morning....I LOVE cold pizza for breakfast.
Sunday morning I had a bagel with one egg and lite mayo on it. It was one of those full-fat, full-calorie, like 300 calories a piece bagels....which I haven't seen since I was on vacation at the beach with Dwayne in May. We had ran into Walmart after dinner out on Friday at the Chinese restaurant, and Dwayne picked them up for his breakfast this wknd. I knew it was dangerous....I knew they shouldn't be in my house....but I feel stupid telling him what he can and can't bring into the house....I feel like I should have more control and actually be able to act like a sane adult no matter what food is around me. Well I failed big time at that. I resisted the bagels Sat morning...but I totally caved Sunday and ate one with an egg on it. And not an egg white...a whole egg. Which means 75 calories as opposed to 17.
At this point in the weekend, I pretty much threw in the towel. I had made such a series of bad choices, that I didn't want to even put in the effort to TRY and recover...and I very consciously said "to hell with it". I was supposed to meet Kim, Crys and Tina for lunch and shopping at the Farmer's Market at 11:30am. Kim texted me and told me she was feeling ill and unable to make it....and then Tina called me and said Crys had an impromptu business meeting I think, and she had to cancel also. Well Tina and I had both planned on doing our grocery shopping for the week at the Farmer's Market, so instead of cancelling, we went ahead and met up and had a GREAT time together.
They have a salad bar and a hot bar there. Tina headed straight for the salad bar while I got a little salad, then made a beeline for the hot bar. I got a little spoon of baked chicken & pineapple w/ red & green peppers, a small piece of baked turkey, 3 baked italian herb chicken wings, half of a fried chicken breast...and the salad I had already put on my plate. We had water to drink. It was very tasty, and we enjoyed fabulous conversation. Then we shopped!! That store is just fantastic...it's got all kinds of stuff..anything you could want (including a fabulous bakery). I got a small, single-serving chocolate cheesecake and a pecan tart to take home and share with Dwayne...I ate 2-3 bites of each, and gave him the rest. I bought some produce, tilapia, chicken sausage, and some white pepper and herbs de provence in the spice section....and only spent $37. Not bad! I plan on returning very soon. The conversastion and visit with Tina was wonderful...she is just such an awesome person.....so down-to-earth, kind, hilarious, and generally just a great person to be around. Can't wait to see her again soon, too.
Went back home....cramps were KILLING me...and while I had a good time visiting and shopping with Tina, and was feeling like crapola, physically. After I got home....around 2:30pm.....I split a meatball sub with Dwayne from Subway....knowing I had plans to meet another friend and old co-worker for dinner at 5pm. Well Tasha ended up running a little late...she didn't get to Wild Wing Cafe til 5:30...and then it took us until 6pm to decide what we wanted. I ended up eating 3/4 of an order of fried mushrooms off the appetizer menu, 2 slider burgers with cheese, onion, pickle and ketchup...and the fries that came with it...every one of them. Not hideous enough yet??? Let me continue!!!
Before I left to meet Tasha....I had made dinner for Dwayne at the apt.....baked some bbq baby back ribs that I found on sale at Publix...and some homemade fries. Tasha and I hung out and talked at the restaurant til 8pm...then I ran by Publix and picked up a few things....getting home around 9pm....and what did I do? I ate again!!!! There were ribs and fries left....so I had 3 of the baby back ribs and 3 of the homemade fries. At this point I'm so miserable, physically and mentally, that I'm just ready to lay down and DIE. This is the worst weekend eating-wise that I've had in many, many months. Even when things were in chaos while I was having my garage sale, packing up my whole house, and getting moved....I didn't do NEAR as bad as I did this wknd. And for no good reason...I just didn't feel like trying. Yes, I felt like crap physically due to the bad cycle....but it's not a good enough reason to excuse what I did with my eating choices.
I'm feeling really stupid this morning...and bloated, and irritable, and sad...you name it..I'm feelin' it. :(
However....there has to come a point where the bad choices end and the good ones ensue. Today is that day. I was running late this morning...woke up feeling like garbage and just could not get motivated. I was late in getting out the door so didn't take time to pack my lunch, although my frig is stocked with healthy choices. For breakfast, I made a quick sandwich on wheat sourdough bread I got at the Farmer's Market and some 47% lower sodium Boar's Head turkey breast I got at Publix. I ate half of it.....deciced that was all I needed for breakfast, and wrapped up the other half and threw it in the frig. Got my shower, threw on some clothes and eye make-up and darted out the door. No lunch packed....but whatever I decide to get...it's going to be WAY better than anything I had over the weekend. And yes, I got on the scale this morning when I got out of bed....and you can probably imagine just how incredibly bad it was. Last Friday I was 249.something? This morning I was 256.something. Damn. Hmmm. Wonder how that happened...lol..just teasing. I know exactly how that happened...and now you do, too.
Moving on......have a great day friends....:)
Friday, August 13, 2010
Challenge Week 2 Weigh-In
Good morning everyone!!
Two weeks down....two to go!! How is everyone doing? I want to hear from you today!
My pic is hard to read, but it says 249.4. I was 250.2 last Friday, and my cycle showed up Monday morning. Beings that Mother Nature usually bestows about a 5 lb. gain from bloat on me, I think the fact that I still managed to lose .8 of a lb is a testament to the good job I did this week!!! Seriously, I'm thrilled that I did enough things right this week (nearly everything!) to combat the bloat and still show a loss.
Leave me a comment letting me know how you did! :)
************UPDATE************
If you follow 266, and even if you don't...check out her blog today!!!
She did a little video clip for her anniversary post and she finally SHOWED HER GORGEOUS FACE!!! There's all kinds of before, during, and after pics of her....remember when she carried the torch in the Olympics?? There are pics of it!! And pics of her dragon boating....all sorts of stuff....go to her blog today and congratulate her on her beautiful and inspiring transformation!
She's listed at the top of my blogroll on my sidebar..she's the very first one!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Want Some Challenge Tips???
Howdy friends!!!
How are all of my challenge buddies doing? I did a post this morning about forgetting that my cycle comes EVERY month, whether I'm doing a challenge or not, and I was pretty bummed about it. Who doesn't want to see a great loss on the scale EVERY week?? I think you all know what I think of Mother Nature by now, lol.
I decided this evening that I needed to follow up with a more positive, helpful post. Now far be it from me to tell anyone how to lose their weight, but sometimes people, like myself, appreciate little tips and reminders along the way. I thought I'd share some with you tonight. Let me start by clarifying that my problem with losing my weight is not because I don't know all the right things to do....I actually have come to learn quite a bit. My problem is consistency, and if you look at my weekly weigh-ins on my sidebar, that becomes apparent. :)
Let me start by sharing with you what happened at lunch time today. Our boss bought lunch....AGAIN. Not that it isn't appreciated that I have a boss that cares and tries to "reward" our hard work...but this has really become a serious issue for me. SERIOUS. I've given in WAY too many times in the last couple of months since I started working there. It's the smell of pizza and Chinese food wafting through the office that gets me. Why does food have to smell so enticing? If it all smelled like hot garbage I'd have way fewer problems, lol.
So anyway....I had planned on a sandwich from home for lunch. One of the girls in the office told me Scott was buying lunch for everyone from Johnny's Pizza....they'd most likely all order separately this time and get calzones, etc. instead of a couple of large pizzas. I kept myself from rolling my eyes in front of her while I was cussing inside my head, and said, "I think I'll pass today, but thanks." That was met with a surprised look and something along the lines of what? Are you crazy? Scott's buying! I said I was just going to eat what I brought, so it was suggested that since it was a "free lunch", why don't I just go ahead and order, put it in the frig, and eat it for lunch tomorrow. Is there no end to the torture??? lol I finally gave in, knowing they were all going to order calzones stuffed with sausage and pepperoni and dripping with extra cheese. I white-knuckled that menu, looked at all the options, and finally ordered a Greek salad w/ grilled chicken and dressing on the side. Whew!! That was a close one...but I feel like I succeeded with my choice today. :)
Ends up I ate my sandwich, put the salad in the frig, and brought it home this evening for dinner. I'm all about volume when it comes to eating....it really takes a lot for me to feel comfortably satisfied (or at least it does in my mind), so I normally try to find the lowest calorie options when I'm on my game, so I can have the most volume possible. I got the salad home, opened it up, and was less than impressed with the size. It was puny, at best, with maybe 2 oz. of chicken...it would have been stretching it to call it 3 oz. I decided right then it wasn't going to be enough, so I turned the oven on broil and set about cooking what I had originally planned for dinner. I broiled a piece of cod...maybe 4-5 oz...and some onions, bell peppers & mushrooms that I had already pre-sliced and diced for my egg white scrambles in the morning.
I sat down and ate my salad, then pulled my fish and veggies out of the oven about 20 mins later. I stood there and looked at it and asked myself if I was really still hungry. In my mind I was...but my body was pretty much ok. I decided I'd just fix some decaf coffee w/ some yummy creamer in it, have 2 cups, and that would be sufficient in filling me up. I packed up the fish and veggies for my lunch tomorrow.
One of the tips I wanted to give you is how much I really like spreading my calories out pretty evenly throughout the day. Each meal is usually around the same amount of calories....usually around 250-350. Since I allot myself 1800 cals/day...that means I'm eating about (6) 300 calorie meals a day. I find this keeps me satisified for the most part. Somtimes I eat a little heavier earlier in the day and dinner ends up being my lightest meal....like this fish for instance....
That's about a 5 oz. piece of fish with some onions, bell peppers and mushrooms....I think the whole meal is less than 250 calories. I can't remember exactly what cod is, but I think it's around 30 cals/oz like shrimp and chicken is. If you haven't tried eating the lower calorie, smaller meals several times a day, then I suggest you give it a shot. I really think you'll like it. I think it's good for the metabolism, too...as Sean would say, you're constantly feeding and firing up the wood-burning stove. It makes sense to me. :)
Decaf coffee is something I have just about every evening as a "snack". I eat dinner around 6pm...and I normally have 2 c. of decaf around 8pm. This keeps me from going to bed hungry. I'm an early riser, so I'm usually in bed by 9-10pm. If you have a hard time with snacking in the evenings, give the decaf coffee a try. I suggest a flavored creamer, because it's kind of like having a creamy, yummy dessert. There's no calories in the decaf, and the creamer I'm currently using has 35 cals/tbsp and it is so decadent. I picked up a bottle of Coffeemate Belgian Chocolate Toffee. For 2 cups of coffee...1 tbsp per cup...I'm only spending 70 cals on my evening snack. Not bad at all. :)
(Ignore the fact that I am in SERIOUS need of a manicure!)
For other snacks, I thought I'd show you a pic of what I've been eating this week....
If you haven't tried the Chobani yogurt yet, you are REALLY missing out...this stuff is so creamy and wonderful....it's just fantastic...and only 140 cals. I also have baby carrots, watermelon, Fuji apples, grape tomatoes....and WW ice cream for when a craving hits. The WW ice cream cups are perfectly portioned...it's just enough to satisfy an ice cream craving, and it's only 140 cals a serving just like the yogurt!!! For all of you who have heard me talk about my boyfriend Dwayne in the past...you KNOW how he doesn't eat veggies or anything healthy. Well ok....he's moved up to eating wheat bread now...GO DWAYNE!!! lol But if he suspects that I've created dinner out of anything too healthy, he'll grab a frozen pizza or a bag of potato chips instead. Seriously. Well I actually got him to try the ice cream....he even saw that it said Weight Watchers on it....and he gives it 2 thumbs up!!! He kept saying he just couldn't believe that it was lowfat and tasted so much like the real thing....trust me, if Dwayne likes it , YOU are going to LOVE it!!! So just make sure you're getting enough healthy snacks in....eat your fruit and veggies!!
Finally...the water. Yes, I'm going to tell you how important it is, just like everyone else harps on it, lol. Truly....truly....it's so important and such a KEY element to weight loss. If you're not in the habit yet of drinking PLENTY of water a day....force yourself. Just do it. I mean it...you will be so glad you had. Commit to drinking (4) 32 oz. glasses of water a day, no matter what, for 7 days...and I promise you that you'll see a difference on the scale. I am so serious. I've tested this theory myself. On the weeks that I don't drink my water, or not near enough....I might see a 2 lb loss. On the weeks that I MAKE myself drink (4) 32 oz. glasses a day, I can see a 5-6 lb. loss. Now granted, I have major sodium issues that a lot of you may not have, but still.....you could have sodium issues and not even know it, because you're not drinking enough water daily to flush it all out!!! Give it a shot. Commit to it....see what a difference it makes in your losses. Here's one of my 32 oz. glasses...
I will admit...sometimes I get so busy at work that I forget to drink my water. I can get all the way to 1pm and realize I haven't drank a single sip of any kind of liquid all day. That's when I get up from my desk, go to the water cooler, fill up the 32 oz. bottle that I keep at work, and STAND THERE until I've drank the entire thing....then re-fill it and go back to my desk. If I haven't had any water til 1pm and I have to do this...then I wait til about 2:30p for that bottle to settle....and I drink another one. I sit right there in my chair, turn the bottle up and drink it until it's ALL GONE. It might take 5 mins to get it all down....but I do it. Then I make sure I drink one more 32 oz. bottle before I leave at 5pm. Then when I get home, I fill up my glass, and drink my last 32 oz glass while I'm eating dinner. That's 4 glasses a day and it makes such a difference.
JUST DO IT!!!
I hope these tips help! If I can be of help in any other way during the rest of this challenge, just leave me a comment or shoot me an email. I'm very thankful that you've all joined in with me...and thanks to the rest of my friends that are cheering us all on to our goals!
Dang It!
Guess what I forget everytime I start a challenge?? My stupid cycle!! I had some cramps in the beginning of the week and then forgot about them...too much other stuff at work to deal with than to focus on the cramps. Then I decided to jump on the scale this morning to see how things are going...knowing I've done pretty well, and only saw a 1 lb. loss for the week. Huh? Should have been at least 2 lbs by now! Then I get to work and notice my lower stomach is feeling really heavy and uncomfortable today...then I go to the bathroom and finally REALIZE why the weight isn't dropping as it should this week....STUPID CYCLE!!! GRRRRRR!!! I really, really hate this part of womanhood. Yeah, yeah...I know all about the cycle of life and what a blessing it's supposed to be and all that. Well it's a load of crap to me, lol. I hate it...always have and always will. So anyhoo.....that's what I'm dealing with this week, and maybe next. I've stated before how screwed up my body is in that my cycle generally lasts at least one full week, but more often two weeks. It's a curse. I wonder if that will change when I reach goal weight....I've heard a lot of excess weight can affect your monthly cycle....how heavy it is and how long it hangs around, etc. What a blessing that would be if getting to a normal weight would lead to other normal things! Sorry about the TMI post but that's just the way it is around here....ALL REAL. :)
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