Wow This Is Hard

Ok.  So you all know I wasn't able to buy groceries for 3 weeks and just had to make due with what I already had in the house....and I've been maintaining a weight of 247 lbs. for the last few weeks now.  Well I finally got a chance to buy groceries last Sunday morning and I've been eating reall well for the last 4 days.  I got on the scale this morning and what did I see?  247 lbs.  Really?  Seriously?? 

I know what the problem is.  I'm just eating too much.  Granted....I'm eating good, decent stuff....not crap food.  But I'm still eating too much...as in....all day long at my desk at work.  Yogurt....grapes...blackberries...lowfat Wheat Thins....baked chicken & broccoli....italian chicken sausages w/ onions and peppers on whole wheat buns...apples...oranges.  These are the types of things I've eaten for the last 4 days.  And yes, I'm still the exact same weight as last week.  Doesn't give me much hope for Friday's weigh-in.
I'm very discouraged about this.  Being out of work for so long...this is something I'd forgotten about.  The constant opportunity to snack.  What's weird is I didn't constantly snack at home when I was on unemployment for nearly a year and a half.  Nowhere near as often as I do now.  Why is that?  I really don't know.  I just don't know.  Why can't I seem to control or stop it?  I don't know that either.

My clothes are too tight.  All of them.  They've been too tight for a few weeks now and I've been miserable and uncomfortable, no matter what I put on to wear.  I seriously considered hitting up the Goodwill for a bigger size and today it finally hit me.  What the hell are you talking about Tammy?  Bigger clothes?  Are you a complete and total moron?  Be HAPPY that your clothes don't have elastic in the waists anymore because now your clothes can be a fantastic indicator for when you need to seriously pull in the reigns!  And that's what I've been trying to do.

I thought I was on the right track w/ buying the healthier stuff...fresh produce and such.  But it turns out that even if you're not eating the junky, crap food....you can still eat too much of the good stuff and not lose weight.  That's a real bummer.  I've been very stressed (happy...but stressed) with learning a new job....trying to set up a HUGE garage sale that's not working out (tried to place ads this week and they wanted $45 for 2 days....NO CAN DO).....trying to plan to move to my new apt in a month (thinking about setting up the electric, gas, cable/internet, etc....changing mailing address with every company I deal with, changing it at the post ofc, getting my car tag before my birthday, getting an oil change that I desperately need....did I mention I had to replace the front brakes on my car and that was a whopping $430???....trying to get my house packed and having nowhere to put the boxes because the garage is FULL of garage sale stuff....dreading having to haul all that sh*t to Goodwill if nothing sells....buying posterboard and markers and making up about 10 signs to put out since I can't afford the ads)....and the list goes on and on.

I figured getting this weight off would be one little bright spot in a sea of stress and something I could be proud of  and happy about...have the feeling that I've accomplished SOMETHING and exercised SOME sort of control in all of this mess.  But it's just not happening.  It's very discouraging.  I guess 9 hours is a lot of time to spend in one spot (at my desk...entering insurance claims among other things)...and once an hour...i'm grabbing for something to eat.  That's a lot of food in 9 hours.  I guess maybe it's boredom?  Some days are busier than others, but let's face it....insurance claims isn't a fast-paced, high-stress job, unless there's a tornado or something that's blown through.....some reason for someone to file a claim.  But most days are pretty slow-going....and that leaves a lot of time to eat. 

So this is where I'm at.  Happy with my job....excited and stressed about my move....and disgusted with my fat body and my lack of discipline when it comes to shoving food in my mouth, no matter how healthy it is.  And it has not escaped me that I'm only 25 lbs less than I was when I started this blog a year ago this month.  25 lbs lost in a year.  Wow.  I suck.  Big time.

A lot of days I have every inclination to shut this blog down for good.  Just disappear.  And you know why, right?  Because how many times...how many days and weeks and months can you post about what you want to do...what you're going to do...only to fail miserably time and time again.  25 lbs in a year???  Is that giving it my best effort?  Of course not.  I don't think we can even call that giving it 50% effort in the grand scheme of things.  It's pathetic...pure and simple.  It's disheartening.  I'm disappointed in myself and my lack of consistency, perseverance and discipline.  I know exactly what it takes to lose this weight.  I could tell someone else exactly how to do it and feel completely confident in what I was saying.  But I haven't applied my knowledge on a regular, consistent basis.  I get a big, fat "F" in the Focus department.  I deserve my lack of weight loss because I haven't worked for it.  I've let negativity, bad circumstances, depression, stress (good and bad), emotion of every kind rule my mind and come inbetween me and my goal.  Yes...I'm disappointed in myself.  So am I going to shut down my blog?

The answer to that is no.  Why?  Because I still have some flicker of hope burning inside me that one day I'll get it right.  I think when my move is over and I'm settled in there that I'll have more time to devote to blogging.  And I really get a lot out of it when I do it.  I've made so many good connections and friendships with people who are just like me.  The comraderie can't be matched.  This is the best forum in the world to share your struggles as well as your triumphs.  In our little virtual world here, we're free to be as open as honest as we dare.  And it's amazing.  It's more than I've ever shared or enjoyed with friends in my every day or "real" life.  I've laughed with you....I've cried with you....I've prayed for you....I've tried your recipes...I've found out about new products....I've shared your victories along the road and I've held your hand through the less-than-triumphant times....we're family.  And at this juncture in my life and in my weight loss travels...I just can't imagine doing it without you.  So I'm still here...and will continue to be.  I'll continue to pop in with little updates until things straighten out and settle down.  I'm in a valley right now....but all that means is that there's bound to be another mountaintop up ahead.  Things will get better.  I do have it in me to conquer this...I know I do...and I know you do, too.  So as always....we'll continue down this road together and when we finally reach our goals...no matter how long it takes us to get there...we'll celebrate it together...just like family.  :)

Picking Myself Up

Well, the garage sale was a total bust.  We had 4 customers in 4 hours...totally sucked.  So Dwayne suggested I take out a couple of ads in the local paper to advertise one for next weekend.  He seems to think this will make a world of difference, so we'll see what happens.  Hopefully we'll have a lot more traffic.

I haven't been grocery shopping in 3 weeks....just been eating stuff out of the freezer and pantry because I haven't had any money in the budget for groceries.  Today I scraped up $30 and Dwayne gave me another $35, so I hit Publix with $65 in hand...woo hoo!  I took a pic of everything I got.  Oh how I missed fresh produce and dairy!  As T.J. would say, here's a picture of my loot!

Ok....here's what I got:

split chicken breasts

broccoli

bell pepper

onion

tomatoes

apples

oranges

grapes

romaine lettuce

baby spinach

eggs

chicken sausages

whole wheat hot dog buns

Greek yogurt

blackberries

cottage cheese

shrimp

cucumber

carrots

YAY!!!

My sister Amy came over tonight and had dinner with me.  She sauteed some shrimp in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter w/ a touch of salt and some pepper, garlic & parsley.  We each had a little saucer of it with a salad on the side w/ romaine, spinach, onions, cucumbers, tomatoes, a sprinkle of garlic & herb feta cheese & a splash of Greek dressing.  Dinner was light and delicious!

I'm making an effort to get back on the right track with the eating, one step at a time.  Dinner was good tonight and I baked some chicken and broccoli in the oven for lunch and dinner tomorrow.  Breakfast will be yogurt with fresh blackberries....snacks will be carrots and and a salad I made up tonight so it'll be ready to go in the morning.  I've had lots of water this wknd and hope to continue that through the week. 

Hope everyone else had a good weekend...I'm signing off so I can get a few more chores done and then get to bed at a decent time.  5:30am comes way too early!  'Nite friends.  :)

To: Kim in Woodstock

Quick post!

I got a comment on my last post from a fellow weight loss blogger named Kim in Woodstock.  I clicked on your name but don't see that you have a blog for me to leave you a comment there.   I'd love for you to come to my garage sale...but I'm not living in Kennesaw anymore like I was when I set up my profile on my blog last year.  I'm now in Emerson.  Email me at my email listed on the sidebar of my blog and we'll see if we can set something up.  I'd love to meet you!  :)

To the rest of my friends....I'll do a post on Sunday night and let you know how my weekend and garage sale went!  Happy Friday everyone! :)

Busy As A Bee

Hey friends!  Quick post from work!  Somehow this has turned from a weight loss blog into a "life" blog, lol.  I still weigh the same as I did last week....remember how I said I gained all the weight back from the week before?  The amount I didn't want to report?  Well it's still there.  In case I don't have time to post tomorrow morning, I'll go ahead and tell you.  I'm at 247 lbs.  I basically maintained this week.  As hideous as that # is, at least I didn't get fatter I guess.

Things are going well at work....learning my job and taking on new stuff here and there.  I'm having a garage sale starting this Saturday.  If I don't sell much, I'll do it again the following weekend.  I found out I got approved for that apartment and I move in at the end of July!!!  So the next 4-5 weeks will be busy with garage sale stuff and then packing up the house and getting moved.  I'll keep popping in every few days to update you....and if I actually get my focus back on the food, then I'll pop in more often.  Hope all is doing well.  I'm trying to jump around and leave a few comments here and there....just not much time.  I haven't even been turning my computer on at night when I get home from work....there's just too much to do.  Tonight I'm pricing all of my garage sale items that I've already got set up out there, and also using some posterboard and stakes to make signs to put out tomorrow night.  I've been averaging about 4 1/2 hours of sleep a night since I started work last week.  I'm pretty much in zombie auto-pilot mode at this point.  :)

Life...Good: Weight Loss...Bad

Things are not good on the weight loss front...AT ALL.  I've gained back every lb. I lost week before last.  I haven't drank near enough water and had too many convenience, sodium-packed meals.  I've got a recurring problem that showed back up this weekend also.  About every year and a half, my right salivatory gland under my tongue gets blocked by calcium stones.  I get a huge lump on my neck, and when I salivate (eat), the whole bottom row of teeth on the bottom right side throb like I've got a raging toothache in each one.  It's hard to explain if you've never had it happen...but it's unbearable.  The only solution is to go to an ENT doctor and let them put shots in the bottom of my mouth (under my tongue) and numb it...last time it took 10 shots....and then snip off the end of my salivatory gland so the calcium deposits and all the infection can drain out.  It's so painful, they put me on hydrocodone for about a week til it's all drained and healed.  Fun stuff.

I've had it done 2x now...this will be the 3rd.  It irritates the living crap out of me that I've been sitting here with all the free time in the world for well over a year, and this sh*t shows back up 3 days after I've started a new job.  Doesn't look good to be missing work already to get this done, but there's no way around it.  I explained it to Billie and I think she understands.  Hopefully the big boss Scott won't get too mad. 

Did the reunion on Saturday and Father's Day dinner at Mom's today.  It was also Shane's birthday, but couldn't celebrate it due to Father's Day, so I'm taking him out to dinner tomorrow night.  One of these days I'll get the sodium reigned back in...just hasn't happened yet.  I did manage to get all of my water in yesterday and today, so that's a step in the right direction.  I spent 5 hours Friday night and another 5 hours yesterday night organizing garage sale stuff out in the garage.  Set up tables, put covers on them, organized stuff by category, etc.  I've filled up my entire garage and everything I have left will have to go out in the driveway the morning of the sale, which will start weekend after next.  My sister and I spent 3 hours today going through all of her stuff, and I have a huge pile sitting in my livingroom now that I have to go through....she gave me a zillion clothes, and I have to sort them all by size and such.  I'm purposely taking this much time to make the sale organized with clean, working stuff and neat piles/sizes of clothes, etc. because I think you make more money at sales where things aren't all dusty or clothes aren't all jumbled up in piles with 10 different sizes. 

Should hear back from the apt this week on whether or not my application was approved.  It should be, and then I'll just be waiting to hear if they have an apt open by the end of July.  Then I'll know whether I'm moving at the end of July or if it will be the end of August.  Either way, after I finish with the garage sale, it will be time to start packing up stuff.  With working a full-time job now, I just have to do some each night when I get home so it's not all left til the end.  I hate procrastination...it's a pet peeve. 

So anyhoo, this is what I've been up to.  Still haven't had a single free minute to read and comment on everyone's blogs yet.  I think I only read 2 today when I turned on my computer...there just wasn't time.  But I haven't forgotten about you...I hope everyone is doing well.  Oh!  I read Lyn's blog today...that's who it was...at Escape from Obesity....and I saw that she got to Onederland a few days ago...something she's been struggling to reach for quite a while now....so a big shout out to her for patiently working through her issues with the weight, figuring stuff out, sharing it with the rest of us so we too can learn, and hitting a huge milestone.  Very, very proud of her determination and tenacity.  She inspires me tremendously.  :)  'Nite friends.  :)

Quickie

Been so busy...and so tired!! 

Just going to give you a quick update to let you know I'm still alive and kicking.  I won't be weighing in tomorrow.  It's just not going to happen.  Maybe next Friday will look better.

I get up at 5:30am, leave for work at 6:45am, and get there around 7:30am to prepare for my work day that starts at 8am.  I leave work at 5:00pm, and with the Atlanta traffic, I don't get home til 6:30pm.  It's just going to take a couple of weeks to get used to this schedule so I'm not so tired when I get home at night.  Then I'm sure I'll be back to regular blogging.  Until then I'll pop in with some quick updates.

I love my job....I love the people....I love that I can dress casually....and I love that I'm going to get some kind of a raise at the end of the year because the pay is the same as I was making on unemployment, which means "not much", lol.  But I'm thankful and grateful beyond belief to be back in the workforce...I truly am.

Yesterday after work I went to an apt complex and turned in an application and put down a deposit to get on a waiting list for a 1 BR apartment for me and Scarlette.  I was originally planning on moving at the end of August, but now I"m trying to bump it up a month to the end of July.  I just have to wait and see if they have any coming open by then.  I should know within a couple of months.  This will shorten my commute to about 30 mins in the evening instead of 1 1/2 hours....and it will allow Shane to get all settled in with Billie a month sooner than we planned since they're now married.  He's living over there with her now, but his money is still coming here for rent and utilities....so I'm trying to fix that by seeing if we can move out sooner. 

I started organizing our family reunion last year for the first time, so this year is our 2nd one.  My mom's side of the family is huge.  I have about 33 cousins, if that gives you some idea.  The reunion is Saturday.  Dwayne and Scarlette are going with me, and we have to leave my house at 11:30am to make it to the reunion spot by 1pm, so I've got tomorrow night after work and early Saturday morning to do all my cooking.  I'm taking a pot roast, ham, potato salad, 2 dishes of baked mac 'n' chz, and deviled eggs.  As you can see, I've been quite busy this week with all the planning.

I've also been gathering stuff for a garage sale this week.  I'm getting Dwayne, Mom and Shane to contribute some of their things too so that we can have a lot of stuff for people to choose from, and hopefully make a little bit of money for all of us.  I need all the money I can get when it comes time to move, so I'm hoping to have enough stuff to earn at least $200 or so.  Also, there's virtually NO storage space in the 1 BR apt, so I'm trying to get rid of everything that's not utilitarian or just an absolute necessity, like my livingroom and bedroom furniture, and kitchen stuff for cooking.  I've got my sentimental stuff down to one box.  Christmas is my favorite time of year, but I have no room to store my Christmas collection, so I'm only keeping my tree and a couple of decorations....90% of my stuff is going in the garage sale...makes me sad, but it's necessary.  I'm planning on having my garage sale weekend after next if all works out. 

So that's what's going on with me.  I've got to sign off and wash dishes and do a couple of loads of laundry and try to get to bed at a decent hour tonight.  I'll catch up on everyone's blogs as soon as I find some free time...but it's kind of exciting that I don't have any free time right now, lol.  I hope you all understand.  Miss you bunches!!  'Nite friends.  :)

I Got A Job...Again!

Remember White-Hart & Assoc. who hired me for 2 1/2 days and then let me go after the budget meeting because their partners in Florida wanted to wait til the next quarter to see what their numbers looked like?  Well that partner isn't getting his work done fast enough because the ofc is understaffed, so he told Scott, the boss in this ofc here in Georgia, to hire me back....and this time, to hire me permanent, and not through a temp agency....and to make sure I start tomorrow morning at 8am.  I have a permanent job starting tomorrow, in an ofc with casual dress attire, working with Billie..someone I love, doing a job that I already know I can do and am going to like.  I spent all day yesterday laying in bed crying and praying, crying and praying, asking for answers, asking for help, asking for understanding.  Today He answered my prayers.  Things are starting to look up and I thank God for it. :)