Things Are Bad

The girl at TRC Staffing emailed me this morning to let me know that Rhonda, the lady I interviewed with on Monday, is out of the ofc today and tomorrow, so maybe I'll hear something by Friday...who knows.  I feel like I've been holding my breath for 3 days because so much stuff rides on me finding a job and finding one fast.  I've had insomnia for a solid week now, ever since I first talked to the operations director on the phone last Tuesday about this job.  I just cannot seem to shut my brain off at night and go to sleep.  I get in bed around 11pm and I lay awake until well after 3am most nights....then I'm right up and out of bed again between 6:30-7:00am.  This has added to my stress, and when I found out today that I'm not going to know anything on the job for at least another 2-3 days, the dam broke and I started crying.  I'm exhausted.  I'm stressed to no end.  I'm scared.  I'm a lot of things. 

I texted Dwayne and he called me.  I blurted all this out about the stress, no sleep, wanting to eat everything in sight (stress eating) but trying not to....trying to control it....and I screamed at him that I'm ready to just go beg someone to give me weight loss surgery and at least solve one of my many problems. 

He tried to console me, and said that he's had a really shitty morning, too.  He's known for a few weeks now that his job is in jeopardy because of restructuring at work.  He's in one division of Quality Assurance for a particular product...their flagship product...and the girl under him quit and found another job about a month ago.  Then his supervisor quit and found another job 2 weeks ago.  He's the only one left working on this particular product.  He tried to see if there was an open req in another department...the only other one he's qualified to work in....and they tried to get him over there, but yesterday the decision was made that anymore open req's for that department would be filled in their ofc in Costa Rica because it's cheaper to hire there.  So he can't transfer in order to keep his job....and the position he's in now is on thin ice.  If he loses his job, not only will he not be able to help me financially....he'll be hard-pressed to take care of his own bills.  The big boss from Israel is in town and things are changing even as I type this.  He's scared...just like I am. 

Add to this that last night my roommate Shane came home after visiting his Dad in the hospital, who's been in there for nearly 2 weeks now.  (He's in and out a lot, he has a multitude of severe health problems).  Yesterday his dad went into congestive heart failure.  Shane said he looked gray, and that he refused his feeding tube.  Billie and Shane were supposed to get married in October, and his Dad was going to be his best man.  Last night Shane told me that Billie is checking into a marriage license today, and that he is going to check with the chaplain at the hospital and see if they can get married in the chapel there so his dad can be part of the wedding before he passes.  This morning Shane texted me and said his dad might of had an anyrysm, or ambulism, or something like that.  Things are going downhill fast.

So as morbid as this sounds, we've got a looming funeral in the distance.  And on the practical side of things where I'm concerned, if Shane's Dad passes, or even if he doesn't, but he and Billie get married in the chapel at the hospital this week....I don't expect Shane to keep up his end of our rental agreement and continue to live here with me and pay half the bills.  It is humanly impossible for me to pay the full amount on our rent or any of our utilities.  I don't mean to be crass talking about bills while his Dad's impending passing is obviously more important...but this is my reality, and these are things that I think and worry about. 

And then there's the weight loss that I'm supposed to be prioritizing.  I was 247.4 last Friday.  I got on the scale this morning and I'm 243.  I was 241 lbs yesterday morning, but I had too much sodium yesterday.  So 4.4 lbs. gone so far.  I didn't want to go to the park and walk this morning, but I did it, and it hurt.  The muscles in my legs are really tight and burning because I've been out of the exercise groove for so long.

I'm going to be honest with you, because I've always been honest with you on this blog.  I don't want to concentrate on losing weight right now.  Wait...I'll re-phrase that.  I want to care...but I'm finding it hard to concentrate and focus and make it my #1 priority.  I feel like things are crashing down all around me and I have an overwhelming desire to stress eat even though I know it's wrong....even though I know I'll regret it later and it will compound all of my problems.  I feel like I'm not strong enough to beat this right now.  I keep telling myself that you can't wait til things "get easier", because Life is always going to throw you curveballs.  Life is always going to be unfair and it's always going to be messy.  I don't want to be one of those people who says they're start tomorrow, or next week, or next month.  I know better than that.  I know those excuses are bullshit.  But what I also know is that my defenses are down....I can't seem to stop crying today...I want to be comforted and no comfort is to be found. 

I've tried to think of ways to distract myself....I can't read a book because I can't concentrate on it and I read the same damn sentence 20x over.  I can't take a nap and get some much needed rest because my brain will not shut off and let me rest.  It's racing a million miles a minute with all kinds of thoughts and worries.  I don't want to just get out in the car and drive around for a couple of different reasons.  For one, I don't trust myself not to drive to a buffet restaurant.  For another, it's at least 90 degrees outside today, I don't have air conditioning in my car, and driving around feeling like I'm going to have a heat stroke puts me in an even worse mood.  I can't stop and get out somewhere and go shopping in a nice air-conditioned store because I don't have any money to spend and window shopping for stuff I can't afford to buy makes me zone in on just how bad off I am financially, which leads to more stress and depression.

I know I'm rambling here....I'm just journaling out my thoughts.  Here's another piece of honesty.  I don't know what the scale is going to say on Friday.  I don't know if I can hold onto the 243 or if it will be higher.  I don't know if I'm going to post my weigh-in, take a picture of the scale, or even be blogging at all for a while.  I'm embarassed that I've struggled so much with my weight loss.  I'm mad that it seems so hard when it really shouldn't be.  It should be as simple (not easy, but simple), as making a decision and sticking to it.  My decision should be as "iron clad" as Sean's is, and my "steel curtain zone" should actually be made out of steel, and not Jell-O. 

I'm tired, mad, sad, stressed, depressed, unfocused, overwhelmed, scared...you name it.  I don't know when I'll be back to blog again, but I wanted to at least let you know that.  Take care everyone.

Job Interview Today!

Let me do the food pics first, and then I'll tell you about the job interview.  :)

I don't have all of my pics today because after I got the call to interview today I kind of lost my mind.

Ham, egg beaters, and cheese sandwich on wheat bun w/ 1 Tbsp mayo.

Calories:  280

I made a chicken meatloaf w/ 1/2 c. panko bread crumbs, 1 lb. of ground chicken breast, red and orange bell peppers, a small jar of mushrooms and some onion.  I cut it into 6 thick slices, each slice being 143 calories each.

I baked it at 400 for 35 mins covered with foil.  Then took the foil off, added a little ketchup on top and baked uncovered for another 10 mins.

Meatloaf sandwich w/ 1 slice meatloaf on wheat bun with 1 Tbsp. lite mayo.

Calories:  268

2 c. strawberries

Calories:  86

I baked 3 chicken breasts (about 5 oz. each) w/ baby vidalia onions, fresh salsa and cubanelle peppers (which are supposed to be a cross between a bell pepper and a sweet banana pepper I think).

One chicken breast w/ veggies plus 1 c. Steamfresh chicken flavored rice.

Calories:  410

I also got out bright and early this morning and hit the trail at the park and got my exercise in.  My mind's still not in full swing again with the exercise, so I'm not going to tell you I loved it, but I'm making the effort to get it done.

On to the interview!

I got an email from Rick, the director of operations at the company I've been trying to get hired at.  He said he's in Vegas this week at a conference, but his office manager, Rhonda, would be calling me today.  I got a call at 10am and was asked to come in and interview at 2:30pm today.

The interview went well I think.  It was tough and there were a lot of deep, thoughtful questions.  Women interviewers are much different from male interviewers, from my female perspective.  They're way tougher.  You have to make sure you don't wear too much make-up, remember that she doesn't give a damn about whether or not you wear your strappy black heels, and don't try to charm her too much.  Am I being sexist?  You may call it that....but after being around the job block several times in my life, I just call it being real.   She was tough, but I was completely impressed with her interviewing skills. 

I feel about 90% positive I got the job, but I'm not confident enough to say 100%.  That was another thing she was good at....not conveying her decision even after an hour of talking.  Women....so much harder to read than men, lol.  Anyhoo, she said she would talk to Rick and that the staffing company would be calling me in a day or two.  More waiting!!!!!  This is making me nuts.

The pay is the same as I was making at the last job I got laid off from over a year ago, which is a HUGE blessing.  It's not a ton of money, but it's more than the $12/hr that I was going to make at White-Hart and Assoc. if that job had of worked out a couple of weeks ago.  Funny how things work out.

They say the dress code is business casual, but she was dressed in capris and flip-flops, lol.  So hooray for a casual dress code, especially after Dwayne bought me all those capris for my 2 day stint at White-Hart.  Now I don't have to feel guilty about that anymore.

They have 10 paid holidays, and after you've completed your 90-day probationary period, you're eligible for vacation depending on what month you start.  The later in the year you start, the less vacation.  As of January 1st, it will be 2 full weeks of vacation time, plus a couple of personal days and a couple of sick days.  They have decent health insurance....it's not super cheap because they're not a huge corporation...they're a medium-sized, privately held company....but it's not horrendous either.  I can deal.

Jack Sh*t gave me some good advice a few days ago about not putting all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak, and letting everything ride on one job.  I have definitely been applying for anything and eveything I can find, but this has been the only prospect I've had for an interview, so I've definitely zoned in on it.  I have the worst binge feelings I've had in a long, long time and it's directly related to the stress I have over wanting to land this job (ANY JOB).  It sucks....it totally sucks.  It's like my mind is in overdrive and for the life of me, I don't understand why that makes me want to shovel food in my mouth hand over fist.  I haven't done that....but those are the feelings I'm having.  The fact is....if I give in to the urges and just eat and eat, I won't be able to fit into any of my clothes for work.  It will set me way back with my mental progress on this weight loss thing.  Notice I didn't say "physical" progress, because I think we can all see how bad that is sucking.  I keep losing the same lbs. over and over and over again. 

Last week's gain was not from bingeing.  It was from sodium from eating in restaurants all week because I didn't want to think about cooking.  That's why I made my weight loss goal 7 lbs. this week, because I knew I'd have a big sodium drop.  And I will.  I've already looked at the scale and it's moving in the right direction.   I haven't done that kind of frantic eating in many months.  I've really been working on it and I'm proud of that.  But it's definitely a fight right now.  I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails and I'm on really, REALLY shaky ground. 

So pray for me friends.  Pray that I got the job and pray that I can stop abusing food.  So much of this weight loss thing is mental.  It really is.  So much mental work to get it right, and KEEP it right....not fall back into old habits.  It's just so easy.  When you've been dealing with your issues (emotional, stress, etc.) by stuffing yourself into oblivion with food for the last 20 years...it's really, really tough to learn new ways and habits and to completely reverse the old ones.  The actual math of the weight loss process is simple....calories in/calories out....eat less/move more....I know exactly how to drop 5-7 lbs in a week.  But it takes a whole lot of focus, planning, preparation...did I say focus?  to do it right, and to do it week in and week out, consistently. 

Those are my 2 biggest problems.  Focus and consistency.  I'm so easily distracted by what I consider more important things....like losing the unemployment and needing a job NOW...one that pays enough to cover all of my bills, etc, etc.  And the consistency thing is a real killer.  I did fantastic with my beach challenge, dropping 15 lbs in 4 weeks.  I was focused.  But I let the focus go once I got to the beach, and put back on all 15 lbs in 9 days flat.  I got right back up to 241 lbs. and I hung out there for a couple of weeks, doing nothing to drop the weight.  Then I really freaked out and stopped cooking and gained some more, taking me up to 247.4 last week.  All of this causing me to realize just HOW MANY TIMES I've lost the same 15 lbs or so...from 230-245 or so.  Over and over and over.  So stoopid.  Just so stoopid.

I want to see the 220's again.  My time there has been fleeting.  I want to go back.  I'm just about to the point to where I'd cut off my right arm to never see the 230's and 240's on the scale again.  I wish I didn't have such a one-track mind.  Like I can only worry about one thing  or the other, but not both things at once...finding a job AND losing weight.  As I mentioned earlier, my desire to exericse is still not back.  I used to love it...look forward to it...my body shape was changing....I was losing inches and I knew it.  But it has absolutely vanished.  The will is not there.  I am currently doing that "fake it til you make it" thing that I've read about on other blogs.  I'm going through the motions because I know how harmful it would be to me to give up exercise altogether.  I'm just doing what I can until the desire returns, and I pray that it happens soon.  I want to love it again.  I want it become part of the thread of my life, of who I am.  It's that important. 

'Nite friends.  :)

Sunday's Seafood Stuffed Mushrooms

I'm hanging in there.  Had my 3rd good day in a row.  Today was really tough.  I wanted all kinds of stuff I shouldn't have...candy bars, Chinese, etc.  But I held strong and stuck to my calorie budget.

2 oz. Boar's Head low sodium ham, 1/2 c. egg beaters, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper and 2 Tbsp. salsa.

Calories:  140

6" on wheat philly steak sub from Publix deli.  Boar's Head roast beef, mushrooms, onions, bell peppers and provolone.  Ballparking the calories.

Calories:  600

Chobani blueberry yogurt.

Calories:  140

I decided to make one of my favorite simple recipes today...seafood stuffed mushrooms.  I used some large white button mushrooms, 3 oz. of shrimp that I sauteed with some diced onion & just a sprinkle of garlic and Adobo seasoning, 1/4 c. of imitation crab meat and 1/4 c. of Panko italian bread crumbs.  Instead of the butter I used to use to moisten these in my pre-weight loss days, I simply used a tbsp. of water to moisten the bread crumbs and get everything to stick together.

I moved the oven rack down to the 3rd row so I could broil these and get the mushrooms done w/o burning the top of the stuffing.  I cooked them for about 15 mins on broil.  I ate every single one of these.

Calories:  310

I finished off the day's eating with a scramble using 3 oz. of the sauteed shrimp, 3/4 c. egg beaters, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper and 2 Tbsp. salsa.

Calories:  204

I'll be having 2 c. of decaf coffee w/ sugar-free creamer shortly.

Calories:  30

Total Calories:  1424

I'm also keeping up with Chris' challenge of an hour of exercise 6 days/week.

Hooray for 3 sane days in a row.  :)

Decent Calories For a Saturday

I planned for us to grill out chicken breasts for dinner tonight w/ a side of sauteed mushrooms & 1/2 a baked potato for me.  As the day wore on, plans changed, as they usually do on a Saturday.  I posted pics anyway.  Hope everyone is having a good weekend.  :)

                   1/2 c. egg beaters w/ 4 oz. baked pork tenderloin, mushrooms, onions and 2 Tbsp. of salsa.
                                                                             Calories:  220

2 oz. of Boar's Head low sodium ham on whole wheat bun w/ 1 Tbsp. lite mayo, onion, pickle and tomato.

Calories:  225

Banana.

Calories:  110

1 c. Steamfresh garlic peas & mushrooms...forgot to take a pic.

Calories:  100

2 oz. Boar's Head low sodium ham on whole wheat bun w/ dijon mustard and 2% American chz.

Calories:  215

6" Club sub that I'm ballparking the calories on.

Calories:  600

6 of these chicken wings that were baked w/ a dry rub seasoning...ballparking calories.

Calories:  300

2 Tbsp. sugar-free creamer

Calories:  30

Total Calories:  1800

Pretty amazing for a Saturday.

Making The Effort

I took pics of all my food today and counted every calorie.  I also exercised and drank (4) 32 oz. glasses of water.  Here are my food pics.

                                                   4 egg whites scrambled w/ 2% chz and salsa.
                                                                          Calories: 123

8" Larry's sub on wheat w/ ham, turkey, veggies, lite mayo and spicy mustard.

Calories:  589

Campbell's Select Harvest chicken noodle soup.

Calories:  200

2 oz. Boar's Head low sodium ham.

Calories:  50

Banana

Calories:  110

6 oz. baked pork tenderloin w/ 1 c. Steamfresh garlic peas and mushrooms and reduced-fat crescent roll.

Calories:  385

2 c. watermelon.

Calories:  98

3 Tbsp. sugar-free creamer for 45 cals.

Total Calories:  1602

Hooray for a good day.  :)

Paying The Piper

I weighed in at 247.4 this morning for a gain of 7 lbs. Here's the pic to stay accountable to Kandice's Challenge:

For Chris' Challenge, I was supposed to start on Tuesday and screwed that up.  The rules are to exercise at least 1 hour/6 days/wk.  I did manage to do this Wed & Thur, but it wasn't a 4 mile walk at the park like I had hoped....it's been raining off and on here all week.  I ended up doing it in (2) 30 min. intervals here at home.  I did crunches (I'm unable to do a full sit-up yet), lower leg lifts, some arm work with my weights and some modified push-ups (girlie ones). 

A few people have emailed me this week to check on me and I appreciate it very much.  Leslie emailed last night and I'm going to copy and paste part of my reponse to her as to what's been going on with me so I don't have to re-type everything.  You all know already that the wknd was bad right through the holiday on Monday.  This email picks up with Tuesday morning.

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I've been doing Chris' challenge for the last 2 days, which is good, but the eating is still in the crapper. However, I'm feeling better. I've been stressed to the max ALL week, and it started on Tuesday morning. Shane (my roommate) told me that a guy from his church was looking for an admin asst for his company in Marietta. Gave me the # and I talked to the guy on the phone for a good 20 mins. He told me to email my resume and I did. That was Tuesday early afternoon. He didn't get back to me til Wed evening at 6pm...an email...so I was holding my breath the hole time. I didn't even leave the house...I couldn't. I was too stressed. The email said that he got my resume and to go ahead and call his contact girl at TRC Staffing (he had already explained on the phone that they do all their temp-to-perm hiring thru them)....and fill out the tax papers, etc. Now I'm starting to feel hopeful. I called TRC at 8am this morning...the girl I needed didn't get in til 9am...I was in the door at 10am filling out paperwork. Just about to leave, everything looking good, and he emails the TRC girl and asks her to test me on Word and Excel. Doh! I thought I was going to get out of the testing. The truth is, I've been unemployed for 1 yr and 3 mos. I knew I was going to flunk them because I'm out of practice....and I was friggin' nervous as I don't know what. The girl said she'd email them to me and I could do them at home. I called Dwayne as soon as I got in my car to head home and I was about in tears. He said just do my best and he was sure I'd at least pass them in the Intermediate range. Yeah right!

I got home, spent an hour dinking around in the 2 programs, trying to recall basic functions, and finally took the test. You had to score at least an 80 for it to be acceptable by TRC's standards. I'm not sure if that's good enough for the guy hiring or not. Well I got an 83 on the Word one and a 63 on the Excel. I called her and she said the Excel was going to hurt me....asked if I wanted to re-take it. It was 1:30p and she left the ofc at 5pm. I told her I'd study up a bit and re-take it.

I was texting, emailing and calling Dwayne on the phone and we were both frantic, googling Excel tutorials together....he actually left his desk and went in the conference room with his laptop for a solid 30-40 mins reading through tutorials with me while I worked through a spreadsheet I created on my computer. "We" studied for 2 solid hours and I re-took the test at 3:30p. I scored a 90 that time...got 27 out of 30 right. I called her at 4pm and told her, she was happy and said she'd email the test scores to the guy immediately. Well....I never heard back from him, and I know he works til 6pm, because he emailed me at like 5:57 the day before. So let's just say that I've been stressed to the max since Tuesday but especially since 10am this morning up until now....still stressed, and I'm going to stay this way I'm sure until I hear something back, good or bad. And I don't even want to think about how I'l react if it's bad news.
 
I got my last unemployment check today. I'm out of cash dude. So as of next week, Dwayne will be handing me ALL of my bill money and that just kills my soul. I can't tell you what it does to me. I know some girls are happy to have a guy pay their way but I'm just not like that....due to past experiences, it is of utmost priority to me to be able to pay my own way so I don't get stuck with no money, no job, no car, etc. (bad previous relationship)...and go spiraling into severe depression again. So I'm tied up in knots right now. Dwayne has been more than understanding, very supportive, covering me up in "I love you"'s...but even he isn't made of money, and very kindly told me that he'll only be able to carry my bills along with his for a month to a month and a half. He's trying to save to buy a house and anything he gives me comes out of his savings account.


So anyhoo....I was hoping the guy would call me this afternoon and ask me to do a face to face interview tomorrow...praying I could start on Monday. But that didn't happen. Now I'm not sure what's going on....and I know I'm only this frantic because I'm desperate. If it's meant to happen it will and it's not, it simply won't. It's just the up and down emotional rollercoaster that keeps me half effing crazy. I'd give anything for a normal, calm, relaxed year after the one I've just dealt with. It also hasn't escaped me that there are others that have it MUCH worse off... I know in the grand scheme of things my problems are menial and barely a blip on the screen....but they're MY problems, so they're very real to ME....you know what I'm saying?
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I have 2 goals for this week.  The first is to keep up with Chris' Challenge of 1 hr of exercise each day, and the other is to drop 7 lbs. this week. 

I've been consumed with this job prospect and haven't been cooking.  I'm quite certain the biggest part of this is sodium and here's why:

Tuesday - lunch out w/ mom and sister
                dinner out with Dwayne

Wednesday - lunch out by myself
                     dinner out with Shane

Thursday  - lunch out by myself
                  dinner out with Dwayne

So as you can see I've been overloading my system with sodium this week.  I feel pretty confident I'll see a big drop.  Here's my first attempt at getting back on track with the eating.....

This morning's breakfast was 4 egg whites scrambled with a pc. of 2% Amer. chz &  topped with 2 Tbsp of fresh salsa.

                                                                           Calories:  123

My next dilemna is with grocery shopping today.  I've got to go do that in a little bit and I am having a big problem with nothing I think about cooking sounding good, especially the veggies that I normally prepare ahead of time for the week.  Asparagus, broccoli, yellow squash, zucchini, cauliflower, etc.  All of it sounds hugely unappealing.  I'm considering buying all different kinds of veggies today than the ones I've been eating and see if that will spark some sense of creativitiy in my meal planning.  I'm also considering not concentrating on the veggies at all this week, and keeping my sole focus on simply staying under 1800 cals and getting my exercise in.  Maybe I should go with that....keeping it to the basics...one meal at a time. 

Ok.  Well.  That's it.  I'm off to start my day.  I've hesitated to mention this job prospect all week, in case it fell through like the fiasco at the last job that lasted 2 1/2 days.  That was embarassing and incredibly disappointing.  But I've thrown it out there now, so if you would, please pray for me.  Thanks friends.  :)

Another Challenge

Chris @ A Deliberate Life mentioned in a post the other day that she was doing an unofficial challenge, mainly for herself, not to balloon in June.  She's going on vacation for 2 weeks and made a vow to herself to lose at least 1 lb/wk while she was gone by committing to an hour of exercise every day.  I asked her to make a badge for her challenge and she chose to create it using Violet from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, lol.  I think it's awesome!!

I told her that I would not only do the challenge for those 2 weeks but for the entire month of June.  I also told her I'd start June 1st...today.  Turns out I inadvertently lied about that part.  I usually like to take my walks at the park in the evening...there's more people around, all the ball fields are full of kids playing ball and I just like all the activity.  Well, Dwayne, who I just saw yesterday when we did our cookout, called this afternoon and asked me to meet him tonight to hang out.  So the exercise flew out the window.  Lesson learned....tomorrow morning I'll be hitting the trail bright and early.

I told Chris this is the EXACT thing I needed to get my lazy a$$ in gear.  I haven't done a single thing in the exercise department since I've been back from the beach.  Why, you ask?  I have no idea.  I really don't know what happened.  I've been exercising steady, at least 5x/wk for months on end...I've done it at 2 different gyms and my local park.  I've done exercise DVD's here at home.  I've done SOMETHING this whole time.  So I'm not sure why I haven't gotten back into the groove.  It's just seemed like the most disinteresting thing in the world to me, although I KNOW I shouldn't feel that way.  So I needed something like this challenge to just FORCE myself back into the swing of things. 

I'm still doing Kandice's challenge, which basically is to lose as much weight as possible in the next 3 months, and whoever loses the most lbs. is the winner.  I don't think Chris' challenge has a "winner" since it's an "unofficial challenge", but that doesn't matter.  It's several of us working towards a common goal of getting in our daily exercise and I'm glad I joined in.  I promised to do it 6 days/wk, with Saturday being the exception. 

My eating has been just plain stupid all weekend right into the holiday yesterday.  Today hasn't been much better and I think that's because I know I totally blew the first half of my week (which starts on Fridays for me since that's my weigh day).

Has everyone heard of Massive Marcus listed on my blogroll?  That guy is ON FIRE!!!  He left me a comment today telling me to forget about the stupid choices and make the next one a good one.  GREAT ADVICE!!  I've given that advice myself many times over, but it never hurts to have someone give it right back to you...and I sure needed to hear it.  So thanks Marcus...I appreciate it.  If you haven't checked out his blog, hop on over and give him a shout out.  He just reached his first 50 lb. lost milestone and get this...he did it 3 months.  I've lost 30 lbs. in what?  Oh....about a YEAR now.  Struggle much?  I really need to get my sh*t together.  I'm not doing anything here but wasting time and life is flying right past me.  I need to catch up....the sooner the better. 

I'm planning on a better day tmrw and Thursday, then I'll take my scale punishment on Friday.  But NEXT Friday there WILL be a loss.  I'm not going to say I HOPE there's a loss, I'm saying there WILL be a loss.  And I don't give a crap how many times I've "started over"....the important thing is that I haven't given up.  There IS no giving up.  It simply isn't an option.  So I'll just hang out here and keep posting, looking stupid, until I finally get it together and get to my goal.  Thanks for tagging along.  :)