Paying The Piper

I weighed in at 247.4 this morning for a gain of 7 lbs. Here's the pic to stay accountable to Kandice's Challenge:

For Chris' Challenge, I was supposed to start on Tuesday and screwed that up.  The rules are to exercise at least 1 hour/6 days/wk.  I did manage to do this Wed & Thur, but it wasn't a 4 mile walk at the park like I had hoped....it's been raining off and on here all week.  I ended up doing it in (2) 30 min. intervals here at home.  I did crunches (I'm unable to do a full sit-up yet), lower leg lifts, some arm work with my weights and some modified push-ups (girlie ones). 

A few people have emailed me this week to check on me and I appreciate it very much.  Leslie emailed last night and I'm going to copy and paste part of my reponse to her as to what's been going on with me so I don't have to re-type everything.  You all know already that the wknd was bad right through the holiday on Monday.  This email picks up with Tuesday morning.

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I've been doing Chris' challenge for the last 2 days, which is good, but the eating is still in the crapper. However, I'm feeling better. I've been stressed to the max ALL week, and it started on Tuesday morning. Shane (my roommate) told me that a guy from his church was looking for an admin asst for his company in Marietta. Gave me the # and I talked to the guy on the phone for a good 20 mins. He told me to email my resume and I did. That was Tuesday early afternoon. He didn't get back to me til Wed evening at 6pm...an email...so I was holding my breath the hole time. I didn't even leave the house...I couldn't. I was too stressed. The email said that he got my resume and to go ahead and call his contact girl at TRC Staffing (he had already explained on the phone that they do all their temp-to-perm hiring thru them)....and fill out the tax papers, etc. Now I'm starting to feel hopeful. I called TRC at 8am this morning...the girl I needed didn't get in til 9am...I was in the door at 10am filling out paperwork. Just about to leave, everything looking good, and he emails the TRC girl and asks her to test me on Word and Excel. Doh! I thought I was going to get out of the testing. The truth is, I've been unemployed for 1 yr and 3 mos. I knew I was going to flunk them because I'm out of practice....and I was friggin' nervous as I don't know what. The girl said she'd email them to me and I could do them at home. I called Dwayne as soon as I got in my car to head home and I was about in tears. He said just do my best and he was sure I'd at least pass them in the Intermediate range. Yeah right!

I got home, spent an hour dinking around in the 2 programs, trying to recall basic functions, and finally took the test. You had to score at least an 80 for it to be acceptable by TRC's standards. I'm not sure if that's good enough for the guy hiring or not. Well I got an 83 on the Word one and a 63 on the Excel. I called her and she said the Excel was going to hurt me....asked if I wanted to re-take it. It was 1:30p and she left the ofc at 5pm. I told her I'd study up a bit and re-take it.

I was texting, emailing and calling Dwayne on the phone and we were both frantic, googling Excel tutorials together....he actually left his desk and went in the conference room with his laptop for a solid 30-40 mins reading through tutorials with me while I worked through a spreadsheet I created on my computer. "We" studied for 2 solid hours and I re-took the test at 3:30p. I scored a 90 that time...got 27 out of 30 right. I called her at 4pm and told her, she was happy and said she'd email the test scores to the guy immediately. Well....I never heard back from him, and I know he works til 6pm, because he emailed me at like 5:57 the day before. So let's just say that I've been stressed to the max since Tuesday but especially since 10am this morning up until now....still stressed, and I'm going to stay this way I'm sure until I hear something back, good or bad. And I don't even want to think about how I'l react if it's bad news.
 
I got my last unemployment check today. I'm out of cash dude. So as of next week, Dwayne will be handing me ALL of my bill money and that just kills my soul. I can't tell you what it does to me. I know some girls are happy to have a guy pay their way but I'm just not like that....due to past experiences, it is of utmost priority to me to be able to pay my own way so I don't get stuck with no money, no job, no car, etc. (bad previous relationship)...and go spiraling into severe depression again. So I'm tied up in knots right now. Dwayne has been more than understanding, very supportive, covering me up in "I love you"'s...but even he isn't made of money, and very kindly told me that he'll only be able to carry my bills along with his for a month to a month and a half. He's trying to save to buy a house and anything he gives me comes out of his savings account.


So anyhoo....I was hoping the guy would call me this afternoon and ask me to do a face to face interview tomorrow...praying I could start on Monday. But that didn't happen. Now I'm not sure what's going on....and I know I'm only this frantic because I'm desperate. If it's meant to happen it will and it's not, it simply won't. It's just the up and down emotional rollercoaster that keeps me half effing crazy. I'd give anything for a normal, calm, relaxed year after the one I've just dealt with. It also hasn't escaped me that there are others that have it MUCH worse off... I know in the grand scheme of things my problems are menial and barely a blip on the screen....but they're MY problems, so they're very real to ME....you know what I'm saying?
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I have 2 goals for this week.  The first is to keep up with Chris' Challenge of 1 hr of exercise each day, and the other is to drop 7 lbs. this week. 

I've been consumed with this job prospect and haven't been cooking.  I'm quite certain the biggest part of this is sodium and here's why:

Tuesday - lunch out w/ mom and sister
                dinner out with Dwayne

Wednesday - lunch out by myself
                     dinner out with Shane

Thursday  - lunch out by myself
                  dinner out with Dwayne

So as you can see I've been overloading my system with sodium this week.  I feel pretty confident I'll see a big drop.  Here's my first attempt at getting back on track with the eating.....

This morning's breakfast was 4 egg whites scrambled with a pc. of 2% Amer. chz &  topped with 2 Tbsp of fresh salsa.

                                                                           Calories:  123

My next dilemna is with grocery shopping today.  I've got to go do that in a little bit and I am having a big problem with nothing I think about cooking sounding good, especially the veggies that I normally prepare ahead of time for the week.  Asparagus, broccoli, yellow squash, zucchini, cauliflower, etc.  All of it sounds hugely unappealing.  I'm considering buying all different kinds of veggies today than the ones I've been eating and see if that will spark some sense of creativitiy in my meal planning.  I'm also considering not concentrating on the veggies at all this week, and keeping my sole focus on simply staying under 1800 cals and getting my exercise in.  Maybe I should go with that....keeping it to the basics...one meal at a time. 

Ok.  Well.  That's it.  I'm off to start my day.  I've hesitated to mention this job prospect all week, in case it fell through like the fiasco at the last job that lasted 2 1/2 days.  That was embarassing and incredibly disappointing.  But I've thrown it out there now, so if you would, please pray for me.  Thanks friends.  :)

(Eyeroll)

I weighed in at 239.0 this morning for a gain of 5 lbs. this week.  And that's all I have to say about that.  Be back later this weekend with something more positive to say!  :)

Sodium Sucks

I wasn't able to flush all the sodium from Wednesday night's dinner out.  And I know it's a sodium problem because I weighed less than this Wednesday morning, and have stayed within my calories and kept exercising.  I knew better and I just didn't care at the time.  I must always remind myself when I'm about to do something stupid that I will most definitely care when Friday gets here.....and that Friday comes around every single week.  My weigh-in is 234.0 this morning for a gain of 3 lbs.  Great way to start off my new month.  Have a good weekend everyone.

Beginning of the End

I weigh 233.0 this morning for ANOTHER gain of 2 lbs.  I seriously thought about giving myself a Christmas present and skipping this weigh-in altogether.  But I changed my mind.  After all, I needed to know where I started from when I show a LOSS next week.  This is the end of the gaining.  I have no doubt about that.  I've spent all week mulling over the changes that I'll be starting tomorrow morning, honing my determination, gathering my focus.  I'm really looking forward to tomorrow morning. :)

I've got some Christmas pics I'm going to try to post.  We'll see how many of them came out.  I took some of my holiday baking, although not everything I made.  I tried my hand at making some homemade gifts this year.  I painted 4 different wooden items to give away as gifts last night.  The first one was a "Noel" sign that I tried to stencil.  It took me HOURS to fix the mistakes on it, so I threw out the stencils and decided to just free-hand the rest of them.  I kept the "Noel" sign for myself because I didn't think it was cute enough, and gave the other 3 items as gifts.  I have very little experience with painting so no laughing!!!  And I've got a couple of pics from Christmas Eve dinner at Mom's house, although none of them include me.  :)

I have a lot more pics to show you but I'll save them til the next post since there's already a lot here.  I'm going to my sister's house this afternoon for Christmas Day dinner with the family.  I'll be taking more pics there also.  Hope everyone is having a wonderful, magical time with their families.  :)

The Dreaded Weigh-in

Boy, this is a hard one to type. Maybe that's why I waited til 12 hours after the weigh-in to do it.

I weighed yesterday morning, just to see where I was before I ate TWO Thanksgiving meals. I was 229 lbs. This morning I was 232 lbs. I'm recording this as my official weigh-in because I ate like a moron this week and I deserve it. I gained 9.6 lbs. this week and I am soooo over the depression eating. I'm over it....I'm done. Time to get back in the game.

I'm still having a hard time with the break up. As a matter of fact, after I went to the gym this morning and put in a great 1 1/2 hr workout, I met up with my sister Brandy and cried about half the time we were together....which was a 5 hour time period. She wanted to talk about it. She wanted to know what happened, why didn't he want me anymore, why didn't he want to marry me, what went wrong.....don't you just love those questions when you're already feeling pretty damn worthless and unloveable???

This is the exact reason I've been trying to blockade myself in my house and stay away from people. I like to go through this kind of crap alone. I do not like answering people's questions about painful emotional bullsh*t like this. I appreciate support and concern...but I do not like to be drilled. The truth is, I don't have any answers. I don't know why I wasn't good enough or why our worlds never melded together the way I wanted them to. But we don't always get to know the answers, which can definitely be the hardest part. Asking me about it though is pouring salt in the wound. So today sucked.

Yesterday sucked too. The first half was good....my roommate Shane and his girlfriend (and my gym buddy) Billie decided to move their Thanksgiving dinner to my house and Shane's parents came along, as well as Billie's daughter Kandice. Billie had an amazing spread of food and it was all beautiful and delicious. I was really impressed, because she kept telling me she's not a great cook. She lied, lol. I appreciated the thought, too. They did it so I wouldn't be alone.

Well it ended up that I wasn't going to be alone....I was going to be at Dwayne's Mom's house. He asked me on more than one occasion since we broke up last week to please make the effort to come, even though he knew it would be difficult for both of us. His mom specifically asked him to invite me, to which I said no the first time. Then a couple of days later....she told him to ask me AGAIN....that she really wanted to see me and Scarlette. I caved the second time, because I really love her, and didn't want to disrespect her in any way.

I had a great time visiting Judy and her friend Nat. He's a cute little old Italian man and he's great fun to talk to. Towards the end of dinner, much to our surprise, he exclaimed, "Judy....I'm drunk!", to which I promptly spewed some stuffing out of my mouth with my uncontrollable laughter. Everyone was laughing.....he only had 1 glass of red wine we thought....then he told us that was his 2nd one, and he can't hold his liquor anymore, lol. Unfortunately, Dwayne and I only said maybe 5 words to each other during the entire 2 hour visit. I felt sad for him, because he was very clearly being excluded while I engaged Judy and Nat in lively conversation....but I knew if I put my focus on him, I'd end up in tears and ruin the holiday for everyone. It was just sad.

When Dwayne was walking me out, his mom called him back in the house to ask him a question. I knew it was about me. He came back out and said that she wanted to know if I'd come back over in December to get the gift that she was going to have for me and also a gift for Scarlette. I just stared at him as if to say, "Are you serious???". He begged me....said please, I know it's hard, but please just do it for Mom...she loves you and Scarlette so much...please come back one more time. I just rolled my eyes and said okay. I cried for most of the rest of the night.

I know that I will continue to see Dwayne on and off for a while so I need to get over the crying. He is Scarlette's Daddy and just as much in love with her as I am. He's cared for her in every way....bought her everything she's ever needed since the night he brought her home to me. I remember that night. It was Dec. 8th of last year. He found a breeder in Macon, which was about a 2-2 1/2 hour drive one way. He took the day off work and went and got her, getting lost along the way. He made the long drive back, calling his mom on the way, asking her to pick up a bag of dog food, some pee pads, and a leash and collar for her, so I'd have something for her the first night. He was planning on buying anything else she needed the next day.

Well when he got to his mom's house with the baby, she had a HUGE bag packed. She went out and bought the things he asked for, along with a brand new pink puppy bed, a baby blanket, treats, toys, a food and water bowl, flea spray, shampoo, conditioner, vinegar to clean up pee spots in case she had an accident (she was only 4 months old), and some medicine she got from the vet for her peekapoo, in case she had a seizure, because peekapoo's are prone to that at a young age.....oh, and a child gate to keep her pinned in the kitchen when I went to work, so she couldn't pee on the carpet.

Can you see why I love this woman? Dwayne, being so concerned over the new puppy and not wanting her to be left alone, took the next 3 days off work JUST to stay at my apt with her so she wouldn't be alone. He took her to the vet the next day and paid a $200 vet bill to get her caught up on all of her shots, and he's paid every vet bill since then, including the one where we got her spayed at 6 months old. She stole his heart immediately. So I just don't have it in me to keep her away from him. That's not something I'm going to do.

So....I'm going to do my best to get through the holiday season, and hopefully by January, I'll be feeling a little stronger and things will get a little easier. I have hope that they will.

My plan this week is to eat 1500 cals a day each day, and workout at the gym all 7 days. I'm sitting at 1500 cals right now for today and I'm done eating. I've finally got my focus back. Normally, I'd be keeping it at 1700 since it netted me a 3 lb loss a couple of weeks in a row.....but I've done so much damage this week, that I need to work a little harder to undo it. So we'll see what I can get off by next Friday's weigh-in...I'm praying at least 5 lbs....because I really don't think the 9.6 lbs I gained is all fat...some of it has to be water weight.

I hope everyone had a truly magnificent Thanksgiving with friends and family. I'm looking forward to getting back in the groove and back to Blogland where I belong. :)

I'm Still Here...

Just letting everyone know I'm still alive. I'm going to try to update you w/o making this a depressing post.

The last post I did garnered more comments than I've ever received before. I have no words that would be adequate enough to say thank you for the outpouring of support. I've also received a few emails from people who took the time to reach out to me on a more personal level. I'm amazed, and just so thankful. It doesn't matter to me that I've never met any of you face-to-face...you've been the best group of friends a girl could ever have. Hugs to each and everyone of you.

There's been some really retarded eating going on....shameful stuff. I hate reporting it, and to tell you the truth, I almost didn't. I considered the accountability factor for myself....and then said that's hogwash...I know what I've done...I don't need to go back and re-read it at any point to remind myself.

I'll tell you why I decided to lay it out there. It's to keep the honesty factor in this blog consistent. It helps to type out all the crap, it really does. It helps me mentally and emotionally to just spill my guts. It's like a release, and keeping all the junk bottled up can be toxic. At least for me.

The other reason I decided to go ahead and post about the last few days is because since I started this blog, I've gotten several emails from different people telling me that it inspires them and helps them feel like they're not alone. Even the negative fodder. I know all about feeling alone and it sucks. I'm not talking about relationship-wise. I'm talking about the solitude that comes with being overweight, or obese. Fat is an insulator. It blocks out a lot of things. I could do a whole in-depth post on this, and maybe I will one day, but if you're feeling alone inside you're obesity, then you totally get what I'm saying. So I decided to keep the honesty going in hopes that it might help someone else.

Let's back up to Friday. I weighed 222.4, satisfied that I lost 3.6 lbs with that weigh-in. I bragged about being .4 of a lb. away from losing 50 lbs., and that I was only 23 lbs. away from Onederland. My how things can change in a week....or only 5 days, actually.

Friday I overate, having Thanksgiving dinner at my parents and really not caring about portion control. In fact, I can't even say I really enjoyed it. It tasted great, sure, but I remember I was feeling zombie-like. I was heart-broken, had a 2-day headache going on, and was trying to concentrate on not breaking down in tears at the dinner table. I ate to the point of misery. It was odd. My stomach was poking out like a basketball and it was rock hard. I made my mom feel it. I haven't felt like that in a while....back before I started blogging, in fact.

Saturday was really bad. I didn't just overeat at one meal....I treated my body like a garbage disposal ALL DAY. Dwayne normally comes over on Friday nights and stays all day/evening on Saturday. It's been that way forever, and I was like a little girl lost with a full Saturday in front of me and no Dwayne. I had nothing to do but sit at home, cry, and eat. I knew I wasn't ready to go to the gym yet, simply because I couldn't control the crying (sobbing, really), and I didn't want people staring at me if I couldn't hold it together. But Billie asked me to go, so I did. I made it 30 mins on the treadmill, about 2 miles, and then the song "Kryptonite" came on my MP3 player and I just lost it. I kept walking, and crying, and by the time I hit 2.5 miles, I still couldn't get it dried up, so I told Billie I had to leave. We didn't stay to do the weight machines.

Sunday I told myself I needed to reign the calories back in, and started counting them again. But the desire just wasn't there. If this were a normal week, I would have eaten 1700, but I ended up at 1800 that day. Billie asked me to go to the gym again, and I did. This time I actually had a great workout. I made it all the way through the treadmill and the weight machines and back to my car before the tears fell again.

Monday, I went and got all of my hair chopped off. I thought a change would make me feel a little better. In a way it does, in a way it doesn't. I just hate my hair period. Hate it. It's very, very thin..constantly falling out and has been for years. I've heard it's because of my thyroid, then I heard it's because of the diabetes, and then I heard that I'm just unlucky. I heard all of that from 3 different doctors in the last few years, by the way. I put some Clairol Natural Instincts non-permanent hair color on it to cover the gray. Pam told me the exact color to get to match my natural color the best. I was thankful for that, because I didn't want to change the color....just cover the gray...and that's what it did. Back off the wagon with the food again though on Monday....I knew I needed to get a grip before things got too far out of hand, but truly, I just didn't care. I didn't feel like caring. That would have taken more effort than I could muster up. And I didn't go to the gym. Billie had to cancel and it was the perfect excuse for me to lay on the sofa with Scarlette and do nothing.

This morning, I had a dr's appt. I weighed myself before I went and just cried my eyes out. I got to the dr's ofc, and their scale said the exact same thing. 232 lbs. I've gained 10 lbs. in 4-5 days. No, it's not 10 lbs. of fat. Mother Nature dropped in for a Thanksgiving visit today, so I know some of it is bloating. Also, I've been eating a lot of stuff out of the freezer....easy stuff that you just heat in the microwave...and all of that crap food is loaded with sodium. I'm ballparking here, but maybe 5 lbs of water weight and 5 lbs of fat? Who knows.

It became very apparent to me today though that sad or not, it's time to separate the food from the emotions. It has to be done. The last thing I need is to gain my weight back. How stupid is that? Just when I think I can't feel any worse....and then I'm sabotaging my own self. I had already eaten 1600 calories today by 2pm when I made the decision to turn this around, so that's what time I stopped eating today. It's nearly 1am right now, as I'm typing this, and my stomach is growling. Haven't eaten in 11 hours and it sucks. However, I'm so shaky with the eating right now, that if I would have allowed myself 200 more calories this evening....I know just how easily it could have turned into 1,000.
Billie and I made it to the gym tonight, but I was late. I didn't get there til 8pm and she already had her cardio done, so we did the weight machines together. It took almost an hour. She left, and I got on the treadmill. I was 10 mins into my walk when they started turning lights off. That's when I realized they closed early tonight....at 9pm instead of 10pm. So my cardio was cut way short.

Billie and I are meeting at the gym tomorrow, sometime mid-morning. I'm going to do my best to keep everything in check and shoot for another 1600 calorie day. Let's hope I make it. Things really can turn on a dime for me right now. I do not have my focus back where it needs to be....I'm just grasping at it....making an effort.

I've been talking to Dwayne a little in email, but I'll save that for tomorrow's post, since this one is already ridiculously long. No, we're not getting back together. Can you believe we're discussing visitation rights over our puppy Scarlette??? Don't judge. You all know how crazy I am. Also, instead of having no Thanksgiving dinner to go to, I now have 2.....and one of them is at Dwayne's mom's house. I'll give you all the details tomorrow on how that came about. It's all about respect for his mom. Insanity.

You now know that Friday's weigh-in is going to completely suck, but I'm going to post it anyway. Honesty...and all that jazz. Thanks for reading about my crazy life. Maybe it will make yours feel a little more sane. :)

Oh The Shame!!!!

I decided that Friday's are just too busy for me to post my weigh-in, so from now on I'll be doing it at night like all of my other posts.

I weighed 239 lbs. this morning for a 6 lb. GAIN. Wow. Double Wow. Bummer.

So....the goals for this coming week are.

1. 1500 calories a day, EVERY DAY! (No more easy breezy weekends!)

2. I said 6 mi at the park last night, but I think that's still too hard for me, so I'm doing 5 miles of walking at the park each day.

3. Lots of water...but this has never been an issue. I love water.

4. Try 3 new recipes to keep things interesting and post pics of them.

Today has been great!! I allotted 500 calories for dinner, and Dwayne and I had baked chicken wings w/ some bbq sauce on them that we bought in Cherokee...it was awesome! And we had a side of baked fries. Total calorie count for the day is 1498, I've had (3) 32 oz. glasses of water, and I hammered out 5 miles at the park today.

As a side note, when I got back to the car after doing my walk, I took off my shoes to look at my toes because they were hurting SO bad. My regular blisters have turned into blood blisters and they busted....ewwwwww. No more putting off new shoes. I've put it off for 4 months now and suffered through the pain due to the unemployment. I'm not sure which bill is going to take the blow from my purchase, but Dwayne and I are heading out tomorrow to pick up a new pair of New Balance walking shoes for me. I no longer care how much they cost...I'm buying them. I have diabetes and must take care of my feet. It's just too important.

For anyone who is considering taking the weekend off from calorie counting or weight watching, my advice to you is this: DON'T DO IT!! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!! For pete's sake....a 6 pound gain!!!! I, my friends, am a loser. Big time. However, I'm going to work my buns off this week to make SURE I'm a winner next week...and the week after that!! I really need to get this consistency thing down pat. I want it to be second nature for me, just like it is with Sean. He just does it. It's not a chore...he's not pressured by counting them...he just does it. Consistently. Day after day, week after week. And he loses every single weigh-in.

One more thing. This isn't really a major thing, and probably really stupid to some people, but it's kind of important to me. I've said a couple of times that the reason I set the 10 lb/mo goal for myself is to give me something to strive for each month. I've missed it the last 2 months by a little bit, but if I would have made my monthly goal only 5 lbs, look how bad it would have been! I've got it at 10 lbs for a reason...to make me work harder.

With no goal, I'm a flounderer. That's not just with weight loss....that's in everything for me that's goal-oriented. That's the cool thing about working in Accounting. It's constant, insane, can't-possibly-get-it-done-in-time deadlines. I'm happy to say that where my jobs have been concerned, I have never missed a deadline. Not one time. I get a certain adrenaline rush from something like that. It's just the way my brain works.

You all know that I have a reward system set up for myself to add a little fun into my travels. I did that because when I first started, I had 92 lbs. to lose. That was pretty daunting, so I figured adding in some little rewards for every 15 lbs. lost was a great idea. After I set that up, I realized that I wanted a BIG reward at the end, for when I finally lost ALL 92 POUNDS!! Dwayne decided one night that since we both love the beach so much, that my big reward at the end would be a 7 day trip to Destin, FL for me, him and Scarlette. I couldn't think of anything more perfect.

Well....when he told me at the beginning of the week that he's fixing to be laid off soon, he also told me with a heavy heart, that we won't be able to go to Destin now. It's just too expensive. Of course I told him that was perfectly fine...that Destin doesn't matter to me....that what matters is that we both end up with good jobs again and get our finances back on track.

But just between you and me (meaning, all of Blogland, lol)...a big reward at the end DOES matter to me. It doesn't have to be terribly expensive, but I want it to be something special. I used to weigh 340 lbs. When I get to 180, my goal weight, I want to celebrate it!! I'm sending out a plea to all of you for any ideas on what I can make the reward. I'm not very creative....but I've already noticed this week that losing my focus on the big reward at the end has played into my complacency.

Before, when I was pounding out 6 miles on the track and hurting like hell, I'd just tell myself, "Think about Destin Tammy...you're less than 60 lbs away from it...think about Destin...palm trees, ocean breeze, sand and surf, tropical drinks with little umbrellas in them, Dwayne and Scarlette and no phone for 7 whole days, get those buns moving girl!" That's the kind of thing that works for me. I know some say that losing the weight should be reward enough. And it is in a way...but I can't help it. Call me selfish. I want something tangible to shoot for...something that signifies all of my hard work and dedication. Something to focus on and reach for while I chisel away at these last "few" pounds.

So...let me hear it! Send some ideas my way...I'm sure something will spark my interest! I've got to lose 6 friggin' lbs this week JUST to break even with last week and get back to 233. Grrrrrrrr! Onward!!

Quote For the Day:

"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there." -Unknown Author

Frazzled Friday

Sorry!! I have never posted my weigh-in this late before!! The scale said 237.8 this morning for a gain of .8 of a lb. I've got one week left in my 4th month, and so far I've lost a total of 4 lbs in the last 3 weeks. To give you an idea of just how pathetic that is, Pam is over there kicking a$$ on her weight loss, losing like 14+ lbs this month!!!!! Dang it!! I gotta' get busy!!!

My precious little puppy Scarlette got sick right off the bat this morning. She had diarreah on Monday, but then seemed to be okay the last 3 days. Well this morning she yakked up 4 vomit piles on my livingroom rug and I freaked. I called the vet and made an appt, ran around and did all of my errands, met up with Dwayne and helped him with some stuff, and didn't make it back home until 8:30pm tonight. Been a crazy day.

The vet didn't really know what was wrong with Scarlette. He rubbed her tummy (feeling for sticks she might have eaten out in the yard), checked her stool for parasites, that was fine, checked her temp, that was fine, checked her weight, that was fine, gave her a shot, gave me 3 meds for nausea and diarreah, and finally told me she probably just ate the wrong kind of bug while outside playing. That's my baby....and that little assessment cost me $107! No biggie....I'd spend my last dollar on that baby if it meant keeping her in the best of health. I wish she would live forever.

So anyhoo, small gain this week. Due to my insanely busy day and nothing going as planned, I didn't make it to the park. My plan for tomorrow is to get up and hit the park and do 4 miles. Then I'm going to try and talk Dwayne into taking Scarlette with us back to the park tomorrow evening for a 2 mile walk. That's about all the baby's short little legs can handle. Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! :)

Onward!

This morning the scale says 251.8....I'm up by .8 of a lb...no biggie....better than the 5.5 lbs I was up on Monday!! Can't wait to see what the scale says NEXT week....enjoying my egg white sandwich and decaf coffee. I'll be back later tonight! :)

Treadmill Thwarted

Grrrrrrrr....I have been so upset this afternoon/evening/night. I have got serious knee issues and I don't know why. I guess it's possible that I twisted or strained something yesterday while moving stuff to the new house...but I didn't notice it at the time. I noticed it today when getting ready to go to the treadmill. Figures. The right side of my right knee is throbbing...like the tendon on the side that runs just above the knee cap to just below it. It's very weak, and there's a sickening feeling when I walk like the knee is going to blow out to the right or something. It feels gross and it hurts like hell. I went to bed at 11pm tonight without posting because it was hurting so bad. I got back up at 1:15am, unable to sleep, because it's throbbing beyond belief. I'm fixing to go take some Advil and see if it's an inflammation problem. Everyone knows that I've been trying to get off a sodium gain from this past birthday weekend, and now I can't exercise until this clears up. I am more than just a little miffed to say the least. I'm also really disappointed that if it doesn't get better soon, I won't be able to go hiking with Dwayne this weekend. Crap, crap, crap. Goodnight.

Going For The Gold!!!

Today has been A-W-E-S-O-M-E!! By now everyone knows that this morning's weigh-in was a bust. I gained 1.6 lbs. on the 4th week. Only 4 weeks into it and I've already got a gain. I could look at it like that.

I choose to look at it like this.....I knew yesterday it was going to be bad so I got busy trying to figure out how to do better. I took advice from people who have "been there, done that" as well as advice from a friend who's a registered nurse, pondered all of it, and developed a plan to make this week better. Of course, I have no way of knowing how it will work out until next weigh day. Truth be told, I could still be doing some things wrong. That's not the point. The point is, I'm doing my best to be proactive in losing the weight, trying new things to see what works for me because everyone's different, and I'm learning as I go. As long as I'm open to continuously learning, helpful criticism, and willing to do "whatever it takes" (as Dad so wisely told me this morning), then I can only get better.

I left out early this morning to meet my two sisters, Brandy and Amy, and my adorable little nieces and nephews....Grace and Carla, age 4, Elijah, age 2 1/2 and Cyress, age 2. We took the babies to a farm in Cartersville so they could feed and pet the animals. I just can't tell you how much I enjoyed it. Yes, the kids drive me nuts when they're all in the same house running around playing and screaming and "being kids" (much of this due to the fact that I don't have any children of my own and am just not used to the chaos). But when we're out and about, actually doing something that they enjoy and that holds their attention....well it's just the coolest thing in the world to be a part of.

There were lots of animals for the kids to interact with and the guy showing us around the farm was extremely knowledgeable on all of them. I tipped him $10 for taking the time to educate us and for his patience with the kids. He made the trip a pleasure. We got to see camels (including a baby one), a young cow that the kids got to walk right up to and pet...he wasn't fenced in, he just freely roams around the farm, some beautiful peacocks, a porcupine, tortoises, baby kangaroos, cockatiels, macaws, donkeys, horses, goats (including one that was only a week old and the most adorable thing you've ever seen), ostriches, emus, the biggest bull I've ever seen in my life who just happened to be named Buttercup, a Mexican bull that had a rack like a Texas longhorn, and zebras. Very, very cool. The kids had a great time, they got to feed and pet most of the animals w/ the exception of the bulls, and they asked if we would bring them back again. Of course we will!!

Brandy had told me the night before that we were going to swing thru McDonald's for breakfast on our way to the farm. I was prepared and ate my breakfast casserole this morning before I left...183 calories. Of course when we pulled thru, I could smell those Egg McMuffins. I've mentioned before that my sense of smell is my biggest saboteur when it comes to food. But I held strong and resisted the temptation. After we left the farm, I knew we'd be going to lunch, but didn't know where. I wasn't too worried about it because my sister Brandy is very conscious of her weight and never varies more than 5 lbs. She is 6' tall and weighs 155 lbs. She's a stick and she loves it. She's got a couple of fast food places that she goes to when she's out and about because she's got the calories memorized on the things she eats there. One of the big ones is Chic-fil-A. I figured wherever we ended up, I'd just follow her lead and be okay.

Boy was I wrong. They decided they wanted Mexican!! Crap. Driving on home and skipping the restaurant wasn't an option because I was riding with my sister Amy. My car was back at Mom's house. I was so screwed, lol. I could smell those fajitas from 5 miles away. Here we go, I thought. We got there and I surveyed the menu. It's so hard to eat in a restaurant and calorie count when you haven't had a chance to check a nutrition guide online ahead of time. Los Reyes doesn't even have one, but we ended up at El Nopal. And then there's always the dreaded sodium that there's just no escaping. I didn't want to make my sisters uncomfortable by not ordering anything at all, so I got a glass of water and 1 chicken soft taco, which by the way, was half the size of the ones at Los Reyes, so that was a good thing. It had maybe 3 oz of chicken in it w/ tomatoes and onions...I said no to the shredded cheese and only got lettuce on it. Cost me $2.14. I think that was the cheapest lunch I've ever had in my life.

I white-knuckled the table while the rest of the family members gobbled down their fajitas, cheese dip, and chips and salsa. Oh the smell....I was in Mexican Heaven....or Hell...however you want to look at it. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I had to physically restrain my arm from reaching into that chip bowl no less than 25 times during the course of our lunch. What a habit it is to eat those free chips and salsa! You don't even think about it....your hand just automatically reaches for those greasy, crispy, salty treats. I didn't eat a single one. Not even a crumb. I didn't touch the cheese dip. I didn't eat any of the fajitas that Amy didn't finish. I ate my 3-bite taco, sucked the bottom out of my water glass, and prayed for them to hurry the hell up so we could get out of there.

All that soft taco did was whet my appetite. My stomach wasn't growling when we first got to the restaurant, but it sure was raising a ruckus when we left. I finally made it back to my car and straight home to make another taco. I had made my own version of chicken soft tacos the night before and still had some left over. It was so good....totally worth the wait. I'm glad I made it through the restaurant ordeal.

I did some chores around the house and when it was time to cook dinner I sauteed some baby scallops (found them on sale for $3.99/lb!) with some broccoli, onions, mushrooms, and red and green bell peppers. I threw in some garlic, ginger, adobo, red pepper flakes and low sodium soy sauce. FABULOUS meal. Just fabulous. And less than 300 calories. As good as it tasted, it wasn't very filling, so I ended up making a ham wrap later. I still had too many calories left over and I was serious about not going under 1350, so I ate stuff here and there until I got pretty close to the 1550 mark.

I went down and got on the treadmill like I said I was going to start doing EVERY day. The daily requirement is now 20 minutes until I build up some endurance. I was already dying at 15-16 mins to do the mile I was doing. Apparently I didnt' know what death was, lol. I walked at a speed of 4.0 for the first 17 mins and then dropped the speed down to 3.5 for the last 3 minutes. At the 20 min marker I had walked 1.3 miles and I fell off the machine. Oh! By the way, when I first got in the fitness room I got on our elliptical machine for the first time. I attempted it. I lasted 1 minute, lol. I truly don't think I'll be on that thing agan for at least the next 50 lbs. It hurts your thigh muscles just to stand on it....before you even start using it. While I was fooling around with it, thinking in my head "never again", a pretty fit-looking guy came in the fitness room. I immediately asked him if he wanted the elliptical so I could get off of it and make it look like I was just being nice....not that it was killing me. He said, "Are you kidding me? I hate that thing. It's a b*tch!" Yeah, no kidding.

The calorie counting website that I use has a fitness section that I perused for the first time tonight. I found a place to enter in "walking on treadmill". It offered different times for different amounts of miles. I chose the "1 mile in 15 mins" option, thinking that doing 1.3 mi in 20 mins would be pretty darn accurate. It said I burned 209 calories!! GO SKINNY TAMMY!! I also got in the kitchen and chopped up a ton of veggies. I soooo didn't feel like it. I was tired and sore after the treadmill, sweating like a pig, and ready to call it a day. But I said I was going to do it today so I knew I needed to. I argued with myself first (I do this a lot):

Go chop up the veggies.
I don't feel like it tonight.
You laid out a plan yesterday. You've gotta' stick to it.
I'm just so tired tonight.
That's your excuse every night. This will assist you each night for the rest of the week.
Can't you see I just burned a whopping 209 calories on the treadmill?!?!
Good for you. Now get busy.
Have I ever told you how much I hate you?
Several times in the last 4 weeks, but I'm also the reason you exceeded your 10 lb. monthly goal with a 12 lb. loss. Now get in there and start chopping...Porkchop Girl.
Touche :)

Goal Stats:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Calories 1528
Carbs 80
Fat 53
Protein 183

Here's my food intake for the day:

Breakfast casserole (see yesterday's post for ingredients)
1 c. coffee w/ sugar-free creamer

1 El Nopal chicken soft taco with lettuce, no cheese
1 homemade chicken soft taco w/ lettuce on wheat tortilla

Scallop stir fry
Ham wrap on wheat tortilla w/ lettuce, tomatoes, onions, lite mayo, lite Italian dressing

Bowl of chicken stew (5 oz chicken, tomatoes, onions, datil pepper)
1 pc. Russell Stover Sugar-free 60% cacoa dark chocolate
Lots of water
1 protein water....NO TEA....NO COKE :)

One final thought....I know you're all just DYING for this long-winded post to end. :) Several years ago during one of the Olympic games Nike put out a commercial. It is my favorite commercial of all time. It had one statement written on the screen that said, "You don't win silver, you lose gold." WOW. DOUBLE WOW. Oh the fallout that was going to come from that one. They had stepped in it big time. Needless to say, all of the silver medalists had a global freak-out and I watched the news like a hawk over the next couple of days to see what Nike's response was going to be. I figured they would buckle under the pressure and fall all over themselves apologizing. They didn't.

They put out a statement saying that while the silver medalists had made outstanding achievements and should be proud of what they had attained, Nike holds themselves to a standard of the highest excellence, one that the gold medal represents, and they would continue to do so. Awesome. Let me just say that there's nothing wrong with going for the gold, for wanting to be the absolute best you can be and working hard to reach it. The world is full of mediocrity and good intentions. Be different! Set your goal to be the best you can possibly be and do what it takes to get there. There's a saying that goes, "Shoot for the moon and even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars." I've always hated that saying. In my mind you should be shooting for the moon and not stopping til you reach it. Go for the gold!!! Happy Moonwalking. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Failure? I've never encountered it....only temporary setbacks." -Bill Marriott, Marriott Hotels

Bummer

This morning I weighed in at 260.0 for a gain of 1.6 lbs. And that's all I have to say about that. Onward.

Plan Your Work and Work Your Plan

I already know that tomorrow's weigh-in is not going to be a good one. Last Friday I weighed 258.4. After the Chinese I had that night on "free day", and the 4th of July eating on Saturday, I managed to gain 4.4 lbs. in a 24 hour time period. Don't ask me how, but I did. The proof was on the scale when I got on early Sunday morning. Freak out time. I knew I had 6 days to get off 4.4 lbs. JUST to break even....forget about losing below 258.4. Well I got on the scale again this morning and I'm just not going to make it. We'll see what the scale says tomorrow morning, but I feel certain it's going to show a gain from last week's weigh-in. Again, freak out time.

I spent all day, on and off, emailing people to find out what in the world I did wrong this week. I talked to 3 people and all of them gave me some great advice. It's time for a new plan. Although my calories only exceeded my 1550 limit one day this week, they were all over the map. One day they were around 990 and another I think it was 1046. The over day was around 1900. There was absolutely no consistency whatsoever, and apparently that's a problem.

Also, although I was way more active this week than I normally am, the fact is, for exercise to assist you in actually LOSING, your heart rate HAS to be elevated for at least 20 consecutive minutes, as in walking on a treadmill. I've been doing a mile in 15 to 16 minutes. I need to stay on a little bit longer, so now I'm no longer paying attention to the distance, I'm paying attention to the time. Added to that is the fact that I don't think walking on the treadmill every other day is enough. I really think I need to start making myself walk on it every day that I possibly can. If I don't make the time to get on it every day and walk at least 20 minutes, I'm going to consider that a screw-up.

I'm also going to make a menu plan tomorrow to last through next Thursday. I'm not going to plan out every breakfast, lunch and snack to a "T", but I am going to plan out 7 different dinners, making 2 or 3 of them crockpot meals, for the days that I'm just too busy or too tired to fool with dinner. I'm going to keep my calories between 1350-1550 every day this next week. Nothing below 1350 and nothing above 1550. I am told that consistency with the calories WILL make a difference. I've been challenged to try it and see the impending loss on the scale next week. I'm giving it a shot. I also plan on chopping up some fresh veggies to grab for a snack, or to help pull dinner together.

Finally, I am announcing that I've eliminated Free Day. One of my friends very nicely pointed out the stupidity in this. Giving myself a free day to eat whatever I want sets me up to scratch and claw all week to get through the first 6 days so I can focus on eating like a moron on free day. That's the wrong way to approach my goals. It should be the exact opposite. By eliminating one day a week to eat whatever I want, I am putting myself in line for a serious mental change in my attitude towards eating right. Free Day is not for eating right...it's for eating like an idiot and not caring. Wrong thing to do. My friend likened it to working hard to reach a goal, finally reaching it, and then celebrating that with lots of bad food. How many times have I done this???? I can't count that high. I have to admit, when my friend suggested getting rid of Free Day, I nearly lost my breath. That very reaction made me realize I was approaching this all wrong. Time to right the wrongs. Free Day is gone.

One of my friends also told me to consult an expert if I really want to get serious and get things right. They asked me if Jillian Michaels has a book out and I'm pretty certain I've seen that hard body on the cover of a book somewhere. I had originally planned on getting a pedicure as my reward for reaching my first 15 lb. goal, whenever that is. I've changed my mind. My first reward is going to be her book....something to help educate me on how to get even better with my new lifestyle. I can't think of a more appropriate reward for my daily travels as I work towards my goals.

I want to say a big "HELLO" to my newest follower from http://fat-free-me.blogspot.com/. I don't know your name yet but I see you live in Scotland....how cool is that??? My first international follower...awesome! I checked out your blog today....congrats on the smaller jacket size! I bet that feels great. :) I enjoyed reading some of your posts so I'm adding you to my blogroll. Thanks for checking mine out. :)

And finally I must say to my oldest and dearest friend.....CONGRATULATIONS PAM!!! Girlfriend reached one of her BIG goals today.....she got under 300 lbs, never to return again!!! It's an amazing accomplishment.....her tenacity is paying off....and I'm soooo happy for her. She and her husband Randall are taking a weekend trip to their favorite destination...Savannah, GA. as a reward for their hard work. (Randall's losing weight too!) Of course they're taking along their adorable son Daniel, who I have yet to meet due to us living in different states. She started his own little blog and has a video on it of him singing...too precious. If you love cute kids, check out the blog: http://firsttimemommyandson.blogspot.com/.

So...I've got some things to change. I have to say my curiosity is piqued to see if these things will result in a loss on the scale next week. I want to get it right. I want the weight gone and I want to do it in the correct, efficient, healthy way. I thank God that I'm surrounded by such amazing friends and family. I am truly blessed. :)

Goal Stats:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1548
Carbs 56
Fat 35
Protein 155

Here's my food intake for the day:

Breakfast casserole, 1 pc. (asparagus, spinach, broccoli, mushrooms, onions, red. fat chz, egg whites, homemade turkey sausage)
2 c. decaf swiss mocha almond coffee w/ sugar-free creamer

Publix deli turkey sub, 6" on 5 grain bread w/ spicy mustard, lettuce, onions, pickles, banana peppers

Chicken stew (adapted from the Minorcan chicken & dumplings, but made w/ no dumplings...included chicken, tomatoes, onions, datil pepper...poured over 1 pc. sourdough bread)

1 Homemade chicken soft taco (adapted from Los Reyes' restaurant version....made w/ chicken, Rotel tomatoes & chiles, and onions, on a low-carb, wheat tortilla w/ shredded lettuce) FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!

2 pc. Russell Stover Sugar-free 60% cacoa dark chocolate squares
1 protein water
96 oz. water....NO TEA....NO COKE!!!

Quote For The Day:

"My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure." -Abraham Lincoln