The Battle Rages On...

Can I just say how aggravated I am with my brain? lol

Here I am on Monday....so glad that I made it through the weekend with Dwayne, under my calorie budget, with 3 miles of walking in each day. Why have Sunday and Monday been so incredibly hard for me??? What is wrong with my brain??? I spent all day Sunday fighting off the urge to satisfy a craving for a huge plate of spaghetti. For whatever reason, it hit me a few days ago that I haven't had one of my all-time favorite dishes since I started this blog back in June. And I've been thinking about it ever since. It's really starting to annoy me.

Today....I've spent all day long fighting off the urge to scarf down a sackful of Krystal's, my all-time favorite fast food. Why??? Why??? Do these stupid thoughts EVER go away? I could understand if I was in my first couple of weeks of these travels...but good grief! I'm over 3 months into it now!! I will admit that when I go back and read my earliest posts...things are WAY easier now than they were when I started...by far. But at the same time, I feel like they should be easier now than they are.

I get tired of being obsessed over food. I get tired of out-of-this-world intense cravings for crap. I get tired of everytime something goes wrong, the first thing I think about is consoling myself with something fattening with way too many calories in it. I am so abnormal. Why can't I be normal?? Just one day?? Just to see what a skinny person with a normal brain feels like??

I know sometimes my posts are full of positivity, energy, and a knowledge that I'm finally losing this weight FOR GOOD...knowing that once it's gone I will succeed at learning how to maintain it. And then other days....well....damn. lol
I get jealous of some of the blogs I read and love. Some people seem to be doing so well....like they don't even think about food anymore. They just eat what they should, when they should, and never give it another thought. There are some that lose weight consistently every single week since they started MONTHS ago. Do you know how many times I've had a gain since I started 3 months ago? lol
Way too many.

Do you know how much I think about food? All day. Even when it's a good day, and everything I eat is healthy and good for me, and under my calorie limits. I still think about it all day, because I have to make sure I spend the calories right. I have to make sure I don't eat too many at breakfast because I know my biggest eating time is at night. I have to make sure I don't overdo it at lunch, so I leave enough for dinner. But then I have to make sure dinner is a sensible amount, so I'm leaving enough for little snacks throughout the day to keep the woodstove burning, as Sean would say, and keep the metabolism revved up. Some day it really does wear on me.

I really get jealous of people like my sister Amy. She's not quite so lucky now that she's over the age of 30 and has 2 kids....that definitely screwed her body up. But up into her late 20's, girlfriend could eat anything she wanted at any time and she was consistently a size 0 jeans. She's 5'7 and weighed about 110 lbs since high school. She used to sneak and get a pair of my too-big jeans, stand in one leg of them, wrap the other leg all the way around her skinny a$$ body, then yell for me to come look. Yes, she's someone to be hated. lol.

Not really. She's gained a little weight and now I kind of feel sorry for her. Hard to believe after all the years I fervently and secretly prayed that she'd blow up like the Goodyear blimp, lol.

But seriously....someone who has got a total grip on this and doing so well...advise me on this. Does it really get easier? Will I ever get to a point where eating is something I do just to survive, and not as a crutch? It doesn't even have to be a negative emotion....I can eat the moon during jolly, happy, festive times, too. Do you know how much I am fearing Thanksgiving and Christmas already? lol

Sorry guys for all the bitching....but that's what I use this blog for. To just get it all out....lay it out there.....spill my guts....somehow it makes me feel better later. I'm still trudging along....and I have a tiny bit of good news to report for this crappy Monday. Instead of my normal 3 miles of walking, I did 5 miles today! Woo hoo! Hooray for small victories. Gonna' try to do the same thing tomorrow. I will be so happy when I can come up with the $70 or so for a new pair of New Balances. I truly think I bought the wrong size the last time I bought shoes. Either that, or my feet have gotten wider/fatter. What a lovely thought, eh? The blisters on the bottoms of my toes are just unbearable most days, even wrapped in band-aids. But I walk anyway. I'm trying to reach a goal here....blisters or not.

Hope everyone is having a super duper, bright and cheery, smile-'til-it-hurts Monday. Tomorrow night I start watching The Biggest Loser with Pam. She loves this sh*t, lol. I've never been a reality TV show kind of gal. Give me fantasy any day....as far from reality as you can possibly get. Lord of the Rings was on TV this past Sunday....I was in Heaven. I've seen snippets of BL, but ususally turned the channel when Jillian started making someone cry, lol. Gonna' watch the whole thing this time with Pam since we're on this journey together. Maybe it will inspire me as it does her. Here's to hoping. :)

Quote For The Day:

"The safest principle through life, instead of reforming others, is to set about perfecting yourself." -B. R. Haydon