Oh The Shame!!!!

I decided that Friday's are just too busy for me to post my weigh-in, so from now on I'll be doing it at night like all of my other posts.

I weighed 239 lbs. this morning for a 6 lb. GAIN. Wow. Double Wow. Bummer.

So....the goals for this coming week are.

1. 1500 calories a day, EVERY DAY! (No more easy breezy weekends!)

2. I said 6 mi at the park last night, but I think that's still too hard for me, so I'm doing 5 miles of walking at the park each day.

3. Lots of water...but this has never been an issue. I love water.

4. Try 3 new recipes to keep things interesting and post pics of them.

Today has been great!! I allotted 500 calories for dinner, and Dwayne and I had baked chicken wings w/ some bbq sauce on them that we bought in Cherokee...it was awesome! And we had a side of baked fries. Total calorie count for the day is 1498, I've had (3) 32 oz. glasses of water, and I hammered out 5 miles at the park today.

As a side note, when I got back to the car after doing my walk, I took off my shoes to look at my toes because they were hurting SO bad. My regular blisters have turned into blood blisters and they busted....ewwwwww. No more putting off new shoes. I've put it off for 4 months now and suffered through the pain due to the unemployment. I'm not sure which bill is going to take the blow from my purchase, but Dwayne and I are heading out tomorrow to pick up a new pair of New Balance walking shoes for me. I no longer care how much they cost...I'm buying them. I have diabetes and must take care of my feet. It's just too important.

For anyone who is considering taking the weekend off from calorie counting or weight watching, my advice to you is this: DON'T DO IT!! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!! For pete's sake....a 6 pound gain!!!! I, my friends, am a loser. Big time. However, I'm going to work my buns off this week to make SURE I'm a winner next week...and the week after that!! I really need to get this consistency thing down pat. I want it to be second nature for me, just like it is with Sean. He just does it. It's not a chore...he's not pressured by counting them...he just does it. Consistently. Day after day, week after week. And he loses every single weigh-in.

One more thing. This isn't really a major thing, and probably really stupid to some people, but it's kind of important to me. I've said a couple of times that the reason I set the 10 lb/mo goal for myself is to give me something to strive for each month. I've missed it the last 2 months by a little bit, but if I would have made my monthly goal only 5 lbs, look how bad it would have been! I've got it at 10 lbs for a reason...to make me work harder.

With no goal, I'm a flounderer. That's not just with weight loss....that's in everything for me that's goal-oriented. That's the cool thing about working in Accounting. It's constant, insane, can't-possibly-get-it-done-in-time deadlines. I'm happy to say that where my jobs have been concerned, I have never missed a deadline. Not one time. I get a certain adrenaline rush from something like that. It's just the way my brain works.

You all know that I have a reward system set up for myself to add a little fun into my travels. I did that because when I first started, I had 92 lbs. to lose. That was pretty daunting, so I figured adding in some little rewards for every 15 lbs. lost was a great idea. After I set that up, I realized that I wanted a BIG reward at the end, for when I finally lost ALL 92 POUNDS!! Dwayne decided one night that since we both love the beach so much, that my big reward at the end would be a 7 day trip to Destin, FL for me, him and Scarlette. I couldn't think of anything more perfect.

Well....when he told me at the beginning of the week that he's fixing to be laid off soon, he also told me with a heavy heart, that we won't be able to go to Destin now. It's just too expensive. Of course I told him that was perfectly fine...that Destin doesn't matter to me....that what matters is that we both end up with good jobs again and get our finances back on track.

But just between you and me (meaning, all of Blogland, lol)...a big reward at the end DOES matter to me. It doesn't have to be terribly expensive, but I want it to be something special. I used to weigh 340 lbs. When I get to 180, my goal weight, I want to celebrate it!! I'm sending out a plea to all of you for any ideas on what I can make the reward. I'm not very creative....but I've already noticed this week that losing my focus on the big reward at the end has played into my complacency.

Before, when I was pounding out 6 miles on the track and hurting like hell, I'd just tell myself, "Think about Destin Tammy...you're less than 60 lbs away from it...think about Destin...palm trees, ocean breeze, sand and surf, tropical drinks with little umbrellas in them, Dwayne and Scarlette and no phone for 7 whole days, get those buns moving girl!" That's the kind of thing that works for me. I know some say that losing the weight should be reward enough. And it is in a way...but I can't help it. Call me selfish. I want something tangible to shoot for...something that signifies all of my hard work and dedication. Something to focus on and reach for while I chisel away at these last "few" pounds.

So...let me hear it! Send some ideas my way...I'm sure something will spark my interest! I've got to lose 6 friggin' lbs this week JUST to break even with last week and get back to 233. Grrrrrrrr! Onward!!

Quote For the Day:

"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there." -Unknown Author

Just Not Feelin' It

Short post. I'm exhausted today for some reason...been dragging all day long. I walked 4 miles at the park, and for the first time ever, added some intermittent jogging because there was nobody on the trail to hear my stomach slapping, clapping and flapping against my upper thighs. It usually takes me 1 hr 15 min to walk 4 miles...today it took 1 hr 3 min, so I managed to knock 12 min off my time. That was cool. I got my big pot of veggie soup made, so that's what I'll be eating all day tomorrow. Gotta' get things back on track or I'm going to be hating myself by Friday. My eyes are closing as I type this so I'm off to bed. Onward.

Weekend What-Nots

I'm going to tell you what NOT to do with your weekend eating. Don't do what Tammy did this weekend. :)

I decided to take the weekend off from calorie counting. Wasn't feeling too tired or stressed or anything like that. I was, and am, feeling pretty good actually. While I fully advocate calorie counting, because with 39 lbs. lost, I am proof that IT WORKS, it does get a little tedious sometimes and I decided to let it go and forget about it until Monday morning. However, I do not recommend this if you're looking for a big loss that week, lol.

I said I wasn't going to mention Dwayne anymore in regards to my weekend eating, but apparently I lied, lol. The reason I want to mention him tonight is because it's POSITIVE as far as he's concerned. He offered me good choices, and I chose the bad ones. But he at least deserves the credit for TRYING to provide me with some healthy options, all on his own, with no input from me. I'm proud of him for caring. :)

Dwayne called me Friday afternoon and said he was getting off early and he'd be at my house around 3:30pm. Uh oh. I didn't have anything planned for dinner that he would eat. I had already decided that this was going to be an easy breezy weekend, so I texted him and asked if he wanted to go out to dinner at a restaurant. I had about 400 calories left for the day (once you've counted them for 4 months, it just kind of automatically happens in your head, even though I didn't write anything down). He said he wanted to grill out at the house and he'd stop and pick something up. I said okay, and didn't even ask him what he was getting....didn't care...it was my carefree weekend.

When he got here, he was so excited and proud of himself for thinking about me. Granted, they weren't ALL healthy options (he still had to eat, too), but there WERE some options specifically for me. He brought in a 4 pack of N.Y. strip steaks that were absolutely gorgeous. Also, for me he said, some boneless skinless chicken breasts. I told him I'd rather have steak....that it had been a while. He also brought in a Caesar salad kit (he thinks this is "healthy", and it's the only veggies he eats, because he can handle lettuce as long as you smother it in parmesan cheese, crunchy croutons, and fattening Caesar dressing, lol). I had a bowl of salad. Then he very proudly presented me with a bag of raw pre-cut veggies...broccoli, carrots & cauliflower. He said, "Look baby! It says that you can steam them right in the bag!" I thanked him profusely, and then proceeded to eat 1/2 the bag raw....with a side of ranch dressing. Doh! Then he pulled out a mini loaf of french bread. He was proud because it was a "mini" loaf....and not the 3 ft. long one he usually gets. I ate 4 slices. Then he pulled out 6 ears of fresh corn and a small bowl of watermelon. I don't usually eat corn on the cob because it gets stuck in my teeth and drives me nuts. So I passed on that, and we grilled up 2 ears for him. I ate about 1/2 c. of watermelon, he did the same, and then we threw it away because it's out of season now and just didn't taste very good.

All in all, I'd say my honey bunny did pretty damn good. I'm glad he's paying such close attention to my (usually) healthier eating choices these days, even though I never try to push any of it on him. That really makes me happy. :)

I also decided to ease off on the exercise this week. I walked 6 miles a day most days last week, and while it helped me reach a nearly 5 lb loss, my hip and leg joints were in some serious pain. I kept thinking about Diane at "Fit to the Finish" all last week while I was out pushing myself at the park. She did a post a little while ago asking if you could sustain the exercise that you're doing. Is what you're doing now to lose the weight, something you can continue, and are willing to continue to do once you reach maintenance? With the pain of my hip and leg joints grinding with every step, my answer to that was an emphathic "NO!". So this week I'm going easier on the exercise.

I walked 3 miles on Friday and that was it for the day. On to Saturday....I had a banana and then headed to the park. I walked 3.5 miles and came back home. I was in so, so much pain....after only 3.5 miles!!! I was talking to Dwayne about it and he asked me when my rest day was. Rest day? What's that? lol I told him I was on my 8th day straight of walking and he told me not to do any on Sunday. So I didn't walk today....I thought about it all day, and I really wanted to run out to the park 4 or 5 different times, but I didn't. I've had one whole day with no exercise.

Back to Saturday's eating....when I got back from the park I did some things around the house, and then around 11:30, I made a sandwich with 2 scrambled eggs & lite mayo on multi-grain sourdough bread from the Publix bakery. It was fantastic. A couple of hours later I ate a 3 oz piece of steak from the night before. We had a birthday cookout to go to with the family at the park, and I was asked to make potato salad (Mom's recipe) and baked mac 'n' chz (Grandma's recipe). So I did. I ate a cup of the potato salad after I got it made, before we ever made it out the door (taste-testing, of course). At the park, I ate a hamburger w/ a slice of tomato, ketchup & mustard. I ate a hot dog w/ ketchup & mustard. And I ate a handful of chips & another cup of potato salad. By the time all that food hit my stomach, I was so full I thought I was going to die. I was truly miserable for the first time since I started this blog in June. OMG. I was happy...had a great day w/ family & Dwayne...but physically miserable. We came back home and I laid on the couch and cussed myself for a couple of hours until it started digesting and I could finally breathe again while sitting upright.

Dwayne left around 8pm and I asked my niece Carla (I call her Ladybug), who lives next door to me, if she wanted to come over and spend the night with Scarlette and I. We had a great time....she asked me 150,000 questions, as all inquisitive little 4-year olds do, and I gave her 150,000 answers. We decided to go shopping today. She kept saying how much she LOVED my fall decorations sitting around the house, so I told her we'd go out and find something for her bedroom today. We started at the Dollar Tree, and we ended up spending about $20 in there. She bought something for her, and for me, and for her grandma (Noni), and something else for her, and for her Mom, and another thing for her, and something for her little brother Cyress, and a few more things for her, and then we left. She was very, very happy and the smile on her face and her sweet laughter ringing in my ears was worth every single dollar. :)

I asked her where she'd like to go for lunch and in 2 seconds flat she exclaimed, "Chinese!!!". What can I say? It was my carefree eating weekend and the kid loves Chinese. Why not??!! So we ate at the Chinese buffet. One thing that I can say is that before I started trying to lose weight, I never ate any less than 2 plates at a buffet, Chinese or otherwise. Now, without even thinking about it, I ate one plate and that's it. Still....way too many calories in that one plate, and we won't even talk about the sodium. Good Lord. But we ate it and enjoyed each other's company...it was a great lunch with my little Ladybug.

After lunch, we went to Wal-mart. Mom had given me some money to pick up some more school clothes for Carla, and I had to pick up a few grocery items. So we got her 7 or 8 new things and then headed to the food section. In the spirit of Fall's arrival, I decided to try a new vegetable this week, so I bought a bag of parsnips. They look kind of like white carrots. I'll be making a big pot of soup tomorrow and throwing them in. I think I'll make Vegetable Beef. I don't have any ground chicken or ground turkey in my freezer right now, so I think I'll use a pack of the 93% lean ground beef that I have. I'm just not a big fan of veggie soup unless there's SOME kind of meat in it.

We got back home and showed Noni all of our purchases and then I came back home to play with Scarlette. I spent a couple of hours clipping coupons this afternoon and then took an hour and a half nap. I laid down too late, because when I woke up at 6:45p, I was starving to death and didn't have anything planned or cooked for dinner. This is another one of the dangers of a carefree eating weekend...no preparation! I decided I'd run out to Larry's Giant Subs and finish off my retarded eating with an 8" Italian sub. When I got there, they were closed. Now what? From the parking lot I was sitting in, I could look around and see about 5 different fast food restaurants. I don't know what's up with me, but as I mentioned in a post a few days ago, I think I am just OVER the fast food thing. It just doesn't sound good anymore....not even my all-time favorite, Krystal's.

Even after starting with the weight loss, I was still eating at Krystal's a good bit, and was just counting the calories in my daily 1500. They are a horrible caloric value. It takes about 5-6 of those little things to fill me up, and 6 of them are like 960 calories!!!! I think I got tired of wasting my calories that way....and also got tired of being a slave to those stupid little sodium-filled boxes of evil...and realized tonight I haven't eaten a Krystal in about a month. Awesome!!!! I can't believe it's been that long, but I'm proud of myself.

Anyhoo, not wanting fast food, I went on down to Publix and decided to get a 12" Italian sub there. I was going to finish off the weekend eating with a bang! They cut it in half, and wrapped up each half separately. I ate half of it in the car on the way home....starving! When I got home, I looked over at the other half, stopped to ask myself if I was still hungry, and I wasn't. Normally, I'm not a big fan of wasting food....but in a case like this, when it's an unhealthy, calorie-laden choice to start with, I decided to go ahead and throw it away so I wouldn't eat it later. And that's what I did. It's in the trash. That's another thing I wouldn't have done in the past. I would have eaten all of it at once, or at the very least, thrown it in the frig and came back in a couple of hours and finished it off. So even during my carefree weekend, I still saw a couple of small glimpses of progress. :)

I'm ready to make the next 4 days great ones with the eating and the exercise. I think I may have actually needed that day of rest from the exercise. As of right now, my lower back, my knees, my feet, and my joints do NOT hurt. What a blessing. I've got a pot of soup going on the stove right now. This will be lunches for Shane and I for the next couple of days. It's one of Pam's recipes and can be found on her food blog, "Lobster and Fishsticks". It's called Spicy Creamy Zucchini Soup. After she posted that recipe, she added another one where she turned the soup into a gravy and added chicken to it. That's what I'm doing. I've made it before and it is incredibly delicious. I just LOVE IT!!

Before I sign off I wanted to let you know about a couple of new bloggers in our little community. The first one is named Shaleen and I've added her to my blogroll. Her brand spanking new blog is called "The Very Long Journey....Diary of a Food Addict". Shaleen emailed me a few weeks ago and told me that she reads my blog every day. She said she finds it inspirational and wanted to lose some weight herself. Then she emailed me a few days ago and told me that she finally took the leap! She's made The Decision to get the weight off, and also decided to start her own blog in hopes of finding the same encouragement and support that I have. I hope you'll pop in and give her a warm welcome.

The second girl I want to tell you about is especially close to my heart. Her name is Billie and she's my rommate Shane's girlfriend. She's been following my blog for quite a while now. She's praised my losses along the way, and also made little comments like, "I'm just not dedicated and motivated enough to get the weight off". Well not anymore!! Billie also took the leap. She started losing a couple of weeks ago and has lost 8.5 lbs already!! She just set her blog up this weekend and I hope that you all will swing by her blog also and say hello. :) Her blog is called "Let The Skinny ME Out". Welcome to Blogland ladies!! Keeping a blog and posting often will help you with the accountability factor with your new healthy lifestyles. It also helps to know you're not alone on this journey. We're all in this together, we'll all claim our own victories in this battle!! Hope everyone has a week full of good choices. Onward!!

Quote For the Day:

"You may delay, but time will not." -Benjamin Franklin

Satisfied.....Almost

The scale says 233.0 this morning, so I lost 4.8 lbs. this week! The not-so-cool news is that this was the last week of the month for me, and I missed my 10 lb/mo. goal AGAIN!! I only lost 8.8 lbs. this month. I'm satisifed with the amount of 4.8 lbs for this one week, but not with the total amount of 8.8 lbs for the month. I'm not satisfied because I know I can do better....obviously. I had 2 weeks out of 4 where I had a slight gain.

I'm off to the park shortly to do some walking and then back home. I've got a small box of Fall decorations that I believe I'll put out today. This is my all-time favorite season, with winter being a close second. Christmas is my absolute most favorite holiday ever!!! I'm really looking forward to the cooler weather. It makes it so much nicer to walk in. Have a super duper day everyone!! :)

I'm Truly Honored

Kristina at The Incredible Shrinking Woman, listed on my blogroll, bestowed this awesome award upon me today. I'm especially honored because you are to forward this award to only 6 people. I can't believe I made the short list! Thank you so much Kristina. :)

Here's what I have to do!

Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It’s quite tricky to use only one-word answers! Once you have filled it out ~~~ be sure to pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers and alert them that they have been awarded! Have fun!

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket

2. Your hair? long-ish

3. Your mother? THE BEST!

4. Your father? HERO!

5. Your favorite food? Scallops

6. Your dream last night? ???

7. Your favorite drink? Water

8. Your dream/goal? Excellent health

9. What room are you in? Livingroom

10. Your hobby? Walking

11. Your fear? Death of a loved one

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Married

13. Where were you last night? Dinner with Dwayne

14. Something that you aren’t? Thin (yet)

15. Muffins? Banana Nut

16. Wish list item? Treadmill

17. Where did you grow up? Jacksonville, FL

18. Last thing you did? Grocery shopping

19. What are you wearing? T-shirt & capris

20. Your TV? 56" Samsung big screen

21. Your pets? Peekapoo

22. Friends? Few but dear

23. Your life? Treasured

24. Your mood? Pleasant

25. Missing someone? Dwayne

26. Vehicle? '92 Honda Accord LX

27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes

28. Your favorite store? Victoria's Secret/Garden Ridge (one was too hard!)

29. Your favorite color? Pink

30. When was the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

32. Your best friend? Pam

33. One place that I go to over and over? Hilton Head Island, SC

34. One person who emails me regularly? Pam

35. Favorite place to eat? Pappadeaux's (cajun seafood)

Now I have to pass this along to 6 lucky people:

Brittany @ Me vs. the Buffet

Leslie @ Something Brilliant is Brewing

Amy @ Amos the Lion Heart

Kathleen @ Rural Maine Life

Amy @ The Not So Secret Life of a Not So Super Together Mom

Tina @ Fat Girl Dives In

Enjoy the award ladies! I look forward to popping over to your blogs tomorrow and reading your answers!! :)

Today has been fantastic...right on track. I ate 1500 calories and walked 6 miles at the park. It's been a tough week...been feeling blah and the exercise has been especially hard....but I think it will all be worth it on Friday morning's weigh-in. I'm expecting a decent little loss. 'Nite all. :)

Quote For the Day:

"I demolish my bridges behind me...then there is no choice but to move forward." -Firdtjof Nansen

My NSV's Thus Far

Mother Nature has stopped in for a week-long visit. So....in trying to ignore the humongous bloated body I am living in, and the cramps that feel more like contractions, thanks to my PCOS, I decided to reflect on the non-scale victories I have achieved so far. I could think of only a couple and then my mind went blank. I had to email Pam and get her to remind me of my progress, lol. Such a great friend....always there when I need her. :)

I wear a diamond ring on my middle finger on my right hand that Dwayne gave me for Christmas a couple of years ago. It is getting too big and will need to be re-sized soon.

I have been able to fit into all the restaurant booths now. I haven't been to many restaurants since I started losing the weight nearly 4 months ago, but haven't had a problem so far.

I no longer fear eating in restaurants. This one is HUGE. I still choose not to do it a lot, just because I don't like fighting sodium gains, but at the same time, I've learned that drinking absurd amounts of water over 2-3 days takes the water gain away. With that said, I NEVER eat in a restaurant on Thursday night, since my weigh-in is on Friday morning.

All of the clothes that were in my closet when I started these travels are now all too big. I cleaned out 3/4 of my closet and mailed a 25 lb box of clothes to Pam, who I am so happy to report, is also too small for at least half of them. Now that's awesome. :) I have about 5 shirts that are a 22/24 that fit fine right now, and I've saved some of my old, bigger shirts to wear when I walk at the park. I have some size 26 shorts that I'm still wearing....they're ultra baggy but thanks to my more than ample hips, they haven't fallen off yet.

I took myself off of all of my meds when I started this in June. I wanted to drop about 30-35 lbs and have my body be free of all the medicine so that I could get an accurate reading on my blood tests to see what losing weight and moving more was doing for my health. I still take thyroid meds because that's a life and death thing, but I removed myself from the diabetes pills, the cholesterol pills and the high blood pressure pills. My blood pressure was actually down to normal on my last 4 doctor's visits before I started this in June, so I felt comfy stopping that one. I've also checked my blood sugar, and the last reading I got was a 93. As long as it's under 120, I'm okay. I am planning on making a dr's appt very soon, probably this week, to have my labs done again. I'm very curious to see where the numbers stand.

Housework has become WAY easier than before. I still have aching joints...especially my left hip for some reason. But my knees are worlds better, and my lower back isn't quite as bad as it was. It's still locked up for about an hour or two after I wake up in the morning, which makes my morning walks especially unpleasant, but I feel like dropping further down the scale will remedy most of this.

When I first started exercising, I could only walk 15 minutes and thought I was dying. I don't think it was even a full mile. I've slowly worked my way up to 4 miles in a row now, and some days I go back to the park in the evening and walk 2 more miles. It's a good feeling to know I've progressed from less than a mile, up to 6 miles in less than 4 months. I'm especially proud of this NSV. It's hard to get started when you're as big as I was when I started...but I'm glad I did. It's really starting to pay off.

I've really, really developed a taste and a love for healthier foods. This is probably one of the most shocking NSV's for me. I wrote in an early post that I was moving from full-fat mayo to Kraft Light Mayo, and it tasted "blech". lol
Well I stuck with it, and just found out this past week that I actually PREFER it now over regular mayo. I was at Publix doing some grocery shopping at lunch time. I got a turkey sub on wheat, no cheese, for lunch. Publix deli doesn't offer lite mayo, so I told them to spread it light on one side of the bread only, mustard on the other side. I was eating the sandwich in the car on the way home, and something just didn't taste right. I finally figured out it was the mayo! I found myself thinking it tasted pretty gross, and was wishing I had Kraft lite mayo on it. What a shock that was!

I hesitate to say this next one, but I think I may be over the fast food. While in the throes of PMS this past weekend, I wasn't feeling like counting calories, I was out on the road running errands, and was going to say "To Hell with it" that day and swing by a fast food restaurant for lunch. I was surrounded by them. Krystal's, Taco Bell, McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Captain D's, Mrs. Winner's, KFC.....and I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted from any of them. This is coming from the former Fast Food Queen. I had a real struggle staying away from these places when I first started. A real struggle. But the other day, the thoughts of all the salt, the fat, the processed crap just turned my stomach. I ended up going home and making a ham sandwich on sourdough with lettuce, tomato, onion, lite mayo & lite Italian dressing. Delish. :)

In the last month, while lying in bed at night, I have discovered my ribs, my sternum, and my hip bones. :)

I rarely drink Coke anymore. This is another HUGE one. I wrote in an early post that I didn't think I'd ever, ever be able to kick the habit completely. I still drink some once in a while, but the habit of having to have it is gone. Completely gone. It started out simple...I wanted to spend my calories on food and not drinks. Pretty soon, I just got used to drinking almost all water. Now when I drink Coke, it's 1/2 of one of those little 8 oz, 100 calorie cans....so 4 oz. and 50 calories. I'm very proud of that, especially in relation to my diabetes.

I love beer. But the most I've ever drank it is maybe once a month when Dwayne and I would go out to a local bar & grille and kick back for a couple of hours. I'd drink 4 or 5 Killian's, get a nice buzz going, and enjoy my evening out. Not anymore. Beer weighs down your exercise, it's loaded with calories, and it dehydrates you. Since I started losing weight in June, I've had 1/2 of a beer 2 different times. Although once a month isn't a real big priority in the first place, it has moved even further down the list of priorities.

This last one is kind of bittersweet. I have a beautiful collection of girlie, lacy, silky bra and panty sets. Every color and design you can imagine, except for white. White is too boring for me. I am very budget-minded and money-conscious, but my lingerie drawer has been my one, personal splurge. Lovely lingerie makes me feel pretty. Almost ALL of them are too big now. I've adjusted all the straps on the bras to the shortest length and they're all falling off my shoulders. It irritates the crap out of me. The problem is, I don't have the money to replace them right now and it's driving me nuts!!

There's probably more NSV's, but this is all I can think of right now. My calories are under 1500 today and I walked another 6 miles at the park today!! I did 4 this morning, and another 2 this evening. This probably isn't something I can sustain all the time....4 is more like it....but with Mother Nature visiting, I'm trying to level the playing field with that wench. :)

Quote For the Day:

"Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives." -Viktor Frankl

Tired of the Solitude

I need a job. I really do. I need some social interaction. I am in the house WAY too much. When I scour the internet for jobs to apply to this week, I'm going way beyond the Accounting positions. I am now making myself available to take out trash and clean toilets. Anything to get back to a normal routine. I am desperate. I walked 6 miles at the park today. I did 2 this morning, and went back and did 4 more this evening. My one goal this week is to be able to drag myself out of the house 2x a day, every day this week, and walk 6 miles each day. We'll see if I make it. Onward.

Soggy Saturday

For anyone who has been watching national news, then you know we had steady rain here in Georgia from Sunday through Tuesday of this past week and had some MAJOR flooding issues. I've had my fill of rain, BUT it rained again ALL DAY TODAY!! I had fully planned on walking at least 4 miles today, and hopefully 6 if I could talk Dwayne into going back to the park this afternoon. Well Dwayne's not big on exercise, and surely not in the rain, so I knew an afternoon walk wasn't going to happen. However, it was up to me to get out in the downpour and get at least 4 miles done today.

I did it!! It totally sucked, but I got 4 miles under my exercise belt today. I was completely soaked to the bone within the first 1/2 mile. It rained the entire time...it rained all day. I had 4 miles worth of gravel in my shoes when I got done, and 4 miles worth of blisters on my toes, but by golly I did it!

It's been a pretty decent weekend so far. I stayed within my calories yesterday, but today wasn't perfect. No bingeing or anything like that, just a little too much snacking. I went over my calories, albeit I did it with healthy snacks. I know that some people don't count calories for produce...fruit and veggies. I say whatever works for you, go for it!! But to me, a calorie is a calorie, no matter how you eat them. It doesn't matter if it's 1 Snickers bar or 5 bags of carrots, lol. No, I didn't eat 5 bags of carrots, but you get what I'm saying.

Nothing special planned for tomorrow. Meeting up with my roommate Shane and his g/f for breakfast tomorrow morning, then headed to the park to do my 4 mile walk. Lord, I hope it doesn't rain again tomorrow!!! It if it does, then I'll leave Scarlette at home when I do another 2 mile walk tomorrow evening...if not, I'll take my baby with me. She seems to be doing much better today. I'm thankful for that. It just breaks my heart to see my baby sick and not feeling good. I don't have any human children, so I have a completely unhealthy attachment to my puppy. Oh well......there are worse things in life. I just wish I could make her live forever. :)

Quote For the Day:

"The definition of insanity is continuing to do what you've always done and expecting different results." -Anonymous

Back With A Vengeance!!

Super short post....I am so incredibly dead tired tonight. Just checking in to give today's stats....

I walked 4 miles at the park this morning...and then went back this evening and walked another 2 miles...for a total of 6 MILES walked today!! My calorie count is 1381 today...another fantastic victory!! It feels good to be back in the game. Let's face it....sitting on the bench watching life go by just sucks. lol

I was awarded the Honest Scrap award by 2 other people today and to tell you the truth I'm just too tired to remember who gave them to me right now. I'll go back and look tomorrow and try to pass some out tomorrow. Of course, this means I'm supposed to give out 30 of them....not sure if I can do that many...but I'll do at least 10. I'm so tired I can't even think right now.

I had a great day today...it's good to be back! Sleep tight all. :)

Skinny Tammy Is Back!!!

I have great news everyone! The bingeing fog has lifted and I'm back in the game!! You're not going to believe what pulled me out of it. I watched The Biggest Loser tonight and it gave me the shove I needed. Yes, yes, I know...I trashed this show to death last Tuesday. However, I did say that I was sure the longer I watched it, the more I'd warm up to it. I just had no idea it would happen on the 2nd week!! But it did, and I'm so, so glad. I have Pam to thank for this....she asked me to watch the show with her this season, because it's been such an inspiration to her.

I will say that I still hate their outfits...that doesn't change. But if you watched tonight, then you noticed that there wasn't the same degrading yelling and screaming in the gym this time. That was very refreshing....and also proved my point from last week....you CAN motivate people to reach their goals WITHOUT screaming and cussing at them. Also, there was a segment where Jillian was talking with half the group about nutrition, etc. She actually seemed human....almost like she really CARED. Totally different from last week. That, too, was refreshing. It completely changed the tone of the show this week, and I was able to enjoy it, learn from it, and be inspired by it.

Bob was talking to Shay about why she was there. Her mom was a heroine addict and died from it. Shay has a LOT of emotional issues....she weighs over 400 lbs. She made a statement in talking to Bob where she said, "A lot of these pounds are wounds". Oh my goodness do I know what she's talking about. It put me in mind of one of my very first posts entitled "Healing Old Wounds". Here's an excerpt from that post:

" I am hoping that with each pound I leave behind it will act as a little dab of salve on the wounds that have been gaping open for so long. I want to heal. I want to be truly happy with myself for the first time. I want to love me."

I know that some people will say that you have to love yourself now....that you deserve to be happy now, just the way you are....that the number on the scale doesn't define who you are as a person, etc. I'm probably fixing to piss all of those people off with my next statement, lol.

Some of us fat people just don't feel that way. It can make sense in our minds...it can sound all warm and fuzzy...and we can even realize other good traits/characteristics about ourselves. But that doesn't mean that we know how to fully embrace the whole "love yourself NOW" concept. For some of us, these pounds ARE wounds....and for some of us, we do feel undeserving. We don't have to have a good reason for feeling that way, we just feel that way.

For some of us, we feel like getting this weight off and keeping it off will cause those wounds to close and finally start to heal. There will be scars left....reminders of what we went through and the terrible way we dealt with it...or didn't deal with it. The horribly abusive way we treated our bodies. But I'm hoping those scars will remind us to never go back the way we came. At least that's my prayer.

I know that for some of us, the weight is just a "surface problem".....you say that you just love food and you eat too much of it...a simple problem of needing to learn some self-control (although I think the # of people that it's that simplistic for is not very high). But for others, the reasons you got THIS fat go far, far deeper than just needing to learn self-control and correct portion sizes. Way deeper. For those people, and I am in this group, the mental/emotional work that needs to be done and the changes that need to be made are what's most important in these travels. That's the real issue here. The pounds falling off are just a result of working out the reasons you became obese in the first place. Yes, eating less and moving more cause you to drop the pounds. But learning how to reverse 20 year habits, thought processes, and developing new coping mechanisms are what's going to KEEP the weight off for me. It's what's going to keep me from going backwards.

Isn't that what we all want? To make this the last time that we ever have to lose the weight? To know that we will succeed, and then succeed at maintenance because of the things we learned and the work we did along the way? Who wants to be the blogger that has to post about a 50 lb. climb back up the scale, if they're still interested in accountability? Not me. That's for damn sure. It's not gonna' be me. I won't let it happen.

I slipped. Okay, I did more than slip. I took a friggin' head dive off the wagon. And boy do I have a nasty bump on my head. It hurts like heck, and I have a feeling it's going to hurt again when I step on the scale this Friday morning. I'll pay the piper, and then I'll laugh in his face on the next Friday's weigh-in. I re-visited my old way of life, and there are no words to accurately describe to you how depressing it was.

Here's what I learned. That's not me anymore. I'm tired of the stupid eating. I'm tired of the lack of control. I'm tired of not walking in the last 4 days. I'm disgusted with the bad eating. You wanna' know the crazy thing about the crappy eating these last few days? I didn't even enjoy any of it. Isn't that crazy??? I ate some of the same things that I used to eat before I started learning to eat healthier, and they just don't taste the same. Same stuff, totally different taste. How weird is that? Here's the other thing. They used to comfort and satisfy me. I haven't felt any comfort or any satisfaction in the last few days. I've felt miserable....I was going backwards and I hated it.

I can't believe I'm going to say this but I miss 166 calorie breakfast casserole. I miss cantaloupe and cottage cheese. I miss 87 calorie a cup chicken soup. I miss turkey burgers. I miss 32 oz. glasses of water. I miss a sweat-soaked shirt after a long, hard walk. I miss the pride I feel when I progress how far I'm walking from one week to the next. I miss scouring my low cal/low fat recipe books for yummy, healthy recipes. I miss being able to look in the mirror in the morning and smile back at myself...instead of having to look away from shame. I miss laying my head down on the pillow at night, and thinking back on all the great choices I made that day, and the restraint I exercised, instead of laying there in misery in a carb-filled fog.

It's time to get back to the things I miss. I'm the only one keeping myself from it. The only one standing in my way is Fat Tammy and even as I type this, I'm plotting her demise, lol. Her days are numbered. All the comments I received from my last post were just beyond awesome. I hope you guys know that I care just as much about you and the work you're trying to do, as you do about me and my crazy travels. I was feeling like a ship on a stormy sea that lost all of it's bearings and had been blown off course. You guys are my lighthouse. Along with the inspiration I drew from the show tonight, your kind comments and the private emails I received guided me back on course. You didn't leave me....your light shone bright....and you waited for me to take hold of the wheel again. Well I'll have you know that as soon as I finish typing this post, I'm super-glueing both hands to that wheel.

I'm very excited to do my post tomorrow night so I can report how many miles I walked at the park. I know how bad it's going to hurt...."pain is just weakness leaving the body"....I'm expecting to fully feel every ounce of weakness that I purge from this big, fat, lazy body. I'm going to pay for my sins from these last 5 days. I managed to walk 3.5 miles last Friday, but not one step since then. That's okay. When I get done, I get to enjoy the sticky feel of my sweaty shirt clinging to my fat rolls, and the aroma of smelling like hot garbage on my drive home to a welcoming shower. I'm looking forward to the feel and smell of a successful day. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Failure? I've never encountered it.......only temporary setbacks." -Bill Marriott, Marriott Hotels

Yeah Baby!!!

I weigh 237.0 this morning for a 5 POUND LOSS!!!!

It was SUCH a hard week for me, for no good reason. I had the urge to binge nearly every day. I'm so, so glad I didn't. I broke into the 230's this week and I'm saying goodbye to 240 FOREVER!!!

This weigh-in is a bittersweet milestone. I haven't seen 237 lbs. in many, many years. This is what I weighed in my senior year of high school when I was 17 years old.

It's bitter because 237 lbs. is a WHOLE lot to weigh when you're surrounded by 100 lb. twig girls , otherwise known as skinny b*tches, lol. So saying "I'm back to my high school weight!!" doesn't sound all that hot coming from me, lol.

It's sweet because right after I graduated from high school, a couple of life-altering events happened, and I ended up ballooning up to 340 lbs. at my highest weight. So this 237 lbs signifies that I've lost 103 lbs. so far. When I look at it like that, it's something to be proud of. :)

I'm fixing to eat breakfast and head to the park for my daily walk. I pushed past the 3 mile marker this week and I'm now walking 3.5 miles as my regular walk. Looking back when I first started, I was walking 1 mile and thought I was dying. Now I'm up to 3.5 miles and I'm actually starting to enjoy it. Did everyone catch that? Tammy, who wrote a post entitled "E is for Evil...and Exercise", is now enjoying the walking. Thank God for progress!!

Dwayne and I are going on a little weekend getaway to Cherokee, NC tonight when he gets off work. It's only a 3 hour drive. We're staying 2 nights and coming back Sunday morning. My plan is to do a 3 mile hike on a trail that Brittany from "Me vs. the Buffet" told me about and I was all excited about hiking a new trail. I reminded Dwayne yesterday that we'll be doing a hike on Saturday, and he said, "Well just make sure it's not too hard, or too far, or too long...I don't want to be worn out the first part of the day and not be able to enjoy myself."

Now....the first thing I wanted to do was scream "Lazy Ass!!" and hang up on him. But I didn't, I politely responded that the trail is only 3 miles and we'd walk as much of it as he could handle. In my mind, I was wondering what he was afraid he was going to be too worn out for?? Holding up the TV remote in the motel room? Pushing the buttons on the quarter slot machines at the casino? Leisurely strolling through souvenir shops? Lifting up his greasy Big Mac to his lips when it's time for lunch?

I was already a little anxious about the weekend eating with him while we're away from home and will be doing nearly all of our eating out of a very limited amount of restaurants in this tiny mountain town. But now he's trying to eff up my exercise, too??? If you've got a significant other who is completely supportive of the work you're doing, and is even willing to join in w/o offering too much resistance....be very, very thankful. :)

The Battle Rages On...

Can I just say how aggravated I am with my brain? lol

Here I am on Monday....so glad that I made it through the weekend with Dwayne, under my calorie budget, with 3 miles of walking in each day. Why have Sunday and Monday been so incredibly hard for me??? What is wrong with my brain??? I spent all day Sunday fighting off the urge to satisfy a craving for a huge plate of spaghetti. For whatever reason, it hit me a few days ago that I haven't had one of my all-time favorite dishes since I started this blog back in June. And I've been thinking about it ever since. It's really starting to annoy me.

Today....I've spent all day long fighting off the urge to scarf down a sackful of Krystal's, my all-time favorite fast food. Why??? Why??? Do these stupid thoughts EVER go away? I could understand if I was in my first couple of weeks of these travels...but good grief! I'm over 3 months into it now!! I will admit that when I go back and read my earliest posts...things are WAY easier now than they were when I started...by far. But at the same time, I feel like they should be easier now than they are.

I get tired of being obsessed over food. I get tired of out-of-this-world intense cravings for crap. I get tired of everytime something goes wrong, the first thing I think about is consoling myself with something fattening with way too many calories in it. I am so abnormal. Why can't I be normal?? Just one day?? Just to see what a skinny person with a normal brain feels like??

I know sometimes my posts are full of positivity, energy, and a knowledge that I'm finally losing this weight FOR GOOD...knowing that once it's gone I will succeed at learning how to maintain it. And then other days....well....damn. lol
I get jealous of some of the blogs I read and love. Some people seem to be doing so well....like they don't even think about food anymore. They just eat what they should, when they should, and never give it another thought. There are some that lose weight consistently every single week since they started MONTHS ago. Do you know how many times I've had a gain since I started 3 months ago? lol
Way too many.

Do you know how much I think about food? All day. Even when it's a good day, and everything I eat is healthy and good for me, and under my calorie limits. I still think about it all day, because I have to make sure I spend the calories right. I have to make sure I don't eat too many at breakfast because I know my biggest eating time is at night. I have to make sure I don't overdo it at lunch, so I leave enough for dinner. But then I have to make sure dinner is a sensible amount, so I'm leaving enough for little snacks throughout the day to keep the woodstove burning, as Sean would say, and keep the metabolism revved up. Some day it really does wear on me.

I really get jealous of people like my sister Amy. She's not quite so lucky now that she's over the age of 30 and has 2 kids....that definitely screwed her body up. But up into her late 20's, girlfriend could eat anything she wanted at any time and she was consistently a size 0 jeans. She's 5'7 and weighed about 110 lbs since high school. She used to sneak and get a pair of my too-big jeans, stand in one leg of them, wrap the other leg all the way around her skinny a$$ body, then yell for me to come look. Yes, she's someone to be hated. lol.

Not really. She's gained a little weight and now I kind of feel sorry for her. Hard to believe after all the years I fervently and secretly prayed that she'd blow up like the Goodyear blimp, lol.

But seriously....someone who has got a total grip on this and doing so well...advise me on this. Does it really get easier? Will I ever get to a point where eating is something I do just to survive, and not as a crutch? It doesn't even have to be a negative emotion....I can eat the moon during jolly, happy, festive times, too. Do you know how much I am fearing Thanksgiving and Christmas already? lol

Sorry guys for all the bitching....but that's what I use this blog for. To just get it all out....lay it out there.....spill my guts....somehow it makes me feel better later. I'm still trudging along....and I have a tiny bit of good news to report for this crappy Monday. Instead of my normal 3 miles of walking, I did 5 miles today! Woo hoo! Hooray for small victories. Gonna' try to do the same thing tomorrow. I will be so happy when I can come up with the $70 or so for a new pair of New Balances. I truly think I bought the wrong size the last time I bought shoes. Either that, or my feet have gotten wider/fatter. What a lovely thought, eh? The blisters on the bottoms of my toes are just unbearable most days, even wrapped in band-aids. But I walk anyway. I'm trying to reach a goal here....blisters or not.

Hope everyone is having a super duper, bright and cheery, smile-'til-it-hurts Monday. Tomorrow night I start watching The Biggest Loser with Pam. She loves this sh*t, lol. I've never been a reality TV show kind of gal. Give me fantasy any day....as far from reality as you can possibly get. Lord of the Rings was on TV this past Sunday....I was in Heaven. I've seen snippets of BL, but ususally turned the channel when Jillian started making someone cry, lol. Gonna' watch the whole thing this time with Pam since we're on this journey together. Maybe it will inspire me as it does her. Here's to hoping. :)

Quote For The Day:

"The safest principle through life, instead of reforming others, is to set about perfecting yourself." -B. R. Haydon

Weekend Warrior

I battled all of the bad weekend eating that I normally go through...and I won!! A few of you asked me on another post about whether or not I could talk to Dwayne about not eating so badly when he's with me on Fridays and Saturdays. Let me explain our situation as best as I can.

Dwayne is 100% supportive of me losing the weight for my health, especially because we are both diabetic. However, he just isn't interested in losing any of his weight. He's too attached to his bacon double cheeseburgers and racks of baby back ribs. He and I have been dating for 5 years now and we do not live together. Sometimes I see him one weeknight, and then I see him on Friday nights when he stays over and we spend all day Saturday together.

I talk about my blog to him all the time. He is very well aware of what I'm trying to do. And although I can tell that he feels bad about wanting to eat crap in front of me....he still eats it. We just do not eat the same things. A few things we do, but not for the most part. For one thing, he does not eat veggies....aside from a little lettuce and a thin slice of tomato on his bacon double cheeseburger, but that's about it.

I've been cooking for him on the weekends for many years now. I just don't feel comfortable stopping cold turkey and telling him to go out to a restaurant and buy something for all of his meals now when he's with me. So I'm trying to teach myself to ignore the smell and looks of his yummy, calorie-laden foods, and just eat what I've got here for myself.

I told myself this weekend was going to be different from all the others. I swear to you, it takes me all week long of busting my a$$ with exercise and shaving off calories every day for a week to not gain, or only lose 1 lb. I know if I ate right all week, including weekends, I could lose much more. I was ready for another good loss this week, so I called Dwayne on Friday before he got here. This is how the conversation went:

Me: I'm going grocery shopping, and I know you always say not to spend my grocery money on you....that you don't want anything....but PLEASE tell me something I can get you so we don't have a repeat of last weekend where you decide you're starving at midnight and we end up going to the IHOP.

Dwayne: I really can't think of anything I want baby. Don't worry about me.

Me: Pizza rolls? Stouffer's french bread pizzas? Chocolate chip cookies? Potato chips? Tell me something Dwayne....you need to say something.

Dwayne: Okay, get me some pizza rolls.

So, I did my shopping, and got him some pizza rolls and a few other things, and we got through Friday night just fine. I came in at 1497 calories, eating all of my healthy foods and no junk and I got 3 miles of walking in that morning...very pleased!!

Last Saturday, I asked him if we could take Scarlette and go walk the 2 mile trail at the park. He HATES exercise, never does any, and I figured if I could sneak in at least 2 miles (instead of my normal 3), then that's better than nothing. He said yes, and he lazed around the house all day and we never went. I was very disappointed. So.....THIS Saturday, I told him I'm going for a hike and would he like to go with me? I didn't ask, and give the day a chance to slip away....I simply told him I was going....and he came along. We hiked an easy trail called the Allatoona Pass, which is part of the Civil War battlegrounds. I know he's a huge Civil War/history buff, so this was an excellent choice. We ended up walking 3 miles, and he actually enjoyed himself, constantly commenting on how beautiful the woods were.

Here's the rest of Friday's phone conversation regarding Sat's dinner plans:

Me: I was thinking we could grill some chicken for me and some italian sausages for you for dinner on Saturday night. Is that cool?

Dwayne: (hemming and hawing....acting like he either didn't want chicken & sausages, or he was going to be too lazy to do the grilling)

I stepped in.....Me: It's either we grill out, or you can drop $50 for us to go to dinner at the Appalachian Grille.

Dwayne: Grilled chicken sounds great baby! Forget the sausages, I don't need those....let's grill some chicken.

(When the going gets tough, hit 'em where it hurts, the wallet, lol)

Here's how a full day of eating went with Dwayne on Saturday:

Breakfast:

Me: 1/2 c. of cottage cheese and a banana
Dwayne: scrambled eggs, bacon, biscuits

Lunch:

Me: big turkey sandwich on sourdough w/ tomatoes, dill pickles & banana peppers
Dwayne: plate full of Pizza Rolls

Dinner:

Me: grilled chicken breast, grilled mushrooms & onions, 1 c. of watermelon
Dwayne: grilled chicken sandwich on sourdough, a whole box of noodles, 3 c. watermelon

Snacks:

Me: 53 calorie Russel Stover sugar-free chocolate mint
reduced fat mozzarella cheesestick
2 c. decaf coffee w/ sugar-free hazelnut creamer

Dwayne: 1/2 bag of potato chips, chocolate chip & peanut butter cookies, Coke

I'm very, very pleased with myself for staying on track with my eating both days. Today wasn't so hot...I did some mindless eating late in the afternoon around 5pm, and before I knew it I was sitting at 1579 calories and hadn't even eaten a real dinner. So I stopped eating for the day....no real dinner for me. I shouldn't have been so stupid with my calories. I'm 79 over for the day, but I've gotta' tell ya'.....last Sunday I was probably over by 600. So I can deal with the 79, especially knowing I came in under the last 2 days. Friday was 1497 & Saturday was 1460...with 3 miles of exercise on all 3 days so far.

About the progress pics, you people kill me, lol. Thank you so very much for all of your very kind words. It was so much more than I was expecting. Several of you mentioned that my shirt looked way too big. That kills me, because I just bought that shirt at Cato's that morning!!! It's a 22/24. I just don't feel like I'm ready for an 18/20 yet because I'm scared it will hug my fat rolls, and that is one thing I can NOT stand....especially when I sit down and all the fat spreads out. I'm telling you...that shirt I'm wearing is covering up a HUGE stomach. That's where most of my weight is....if you knew what I looked like naked, you'd totally understand, lol. My best friend Pam thinks I'm ready for a smaller size, and it won't feel tight like I'm thinking. I don't have any more money to buy anymore clothes with right now, but I decided when I hit my next 15 lb. goal and have 45 lbs gone, then I'm going out to try on some 18/20's and we'll see how they fit. Hopefully I'll be comfy in them by then.

It's been a super fantastic weekend and I'm so very proud of myself. I'm not going to pretend that eating cottage cheese while he was eating bacon and eggs was easy, because it wasn't. But I was focused....I knew that a big loss was more important to me than eating 1/2 lb of bacon, so I stayed on plan. I knew that if I could just get to Friday's weigh-in, then I'd be proud of the effort I put forth while he was sucking down all of those calories in front of me. I'm glad he was willing to go on the hike with me....it made it much more enjoyable. I'm happy all the way around....except for eating too much before dinner tonight, thus not having a normal dinner. Stupid mindless snacking. Oh well...lesson learned. I'll be watching that much more closely from now on. I don't like being over my calorie limit, and I don't like having them all used up by 5:30pm when I'm usually up til midnight.

One last note about the pics. When I read everyone's comments, and I kept hearing where the shirt was too big, I pulled up the post again and looked at the pics more closely. It was then that I noticed that my left ta-ta was trying to escape out of the front of my shirt. I am so embarassed. I truly apologize to anyone who was offended by that...I really wasn't trying to be crude, and actually got a little miffed at Dwayne. He was the one who took the pics and you'd think he could of told me that my cleavage was out of control....but he didn't say a word. Guess he was too busy enjoying the view. Dork. lol

Hope everyone has had a fabulous weekend, too. Going to go catch up on everyone else's blogs now! :)

Quote For The Day:

"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." -Hecato, Greek philosopher

Progress Pics

I've lost 30 lbs. so far, and I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal, so it's time to post some progress pics. I'll put them here as well as on my sidebar. I don't see much of a difference yet, but I feel like I'll see a big difference after the next 30 lbs. is gone. :)

I am proud to report that I walked 3 miles this morning, and have stayed under 1500 calories today. My weekend is off to a good start! A lot of you asked about me finding a way to deal with Dwayne's bad eating by talking to him about it. I told him a few things today, which I will share with you in the next post...stay tuned. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Heaven never helps the man who will not act." -Sophocles

Mystified

The scale says, after triple-checking it, that I weigh 242.0. That means I ONLY gained .2 of a lb. As Sheilagh at "Sixty by Sixty" would say...I'm gobsmacked.

All I can say is that I guess eating in the 1400 calorie range, drinking gobs of water, and walking 11 miles in the last 3 days benefitted me more than I realized. I've learned a valuable lesson here....don't understimate the power of combining these 3 things. The flip side of this is....if I would have done these 3 things all 7 days this week instead of only 3, I would have shown an amazing weight loss.

With that said....I'm fixing to eat my 150 calorie breakfast of a Granny Smith apple and reduced fat mozarella cheesestick this morning and then I'm headed to the park to knock out 3 miles. My number one goal for tonight and tomorrow is to not let what Dwayne is eating in front of me affect my choices. I MUST stay on track, because I am just sick to death from trying to recover from bad weekend eating. It's been too many weeks since I've seen a nice-sized loss and I'm hungry for another one. I'm all geared up and ready for this week's battle. Onward!

Momma's Sunshine

Instead of posting about my dread over tomorrow's weigh-in, I'll just tell you that I came in at 1460 calories today, and I walked 2 miles at the park. I could have walked another 2 or 3 miles tonight, but I chose not to. I've read so much about how hard workouts cause your muscles to retain a lot of water, and they're a bad idea to do right before a weigh-in.

Now I'm going to post some pics of my baby girl. It's hard to make them line up, so we'll just see how it turns out....

These are from last December when I first got her. She was 4 months old and weighed 4 lbs. Now she is a year old (birthday is Aug. 8th), and she weighs 9.5 lbs. She's a peekapoo and I just love her ears. I refuse to let them cut them much when I take her to the groomer. She's Momma's baby Ewok. :)

Hope you enjoyed the pics. I'll be back in the morning with the weigh-in results. 'Nite nite everyone. :)

Quote For The Day:

"It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, 'Always do what you are afraid to do'." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ridin' The Crazy Train

I have a confession to make. I'm crazy. Certified. No doubt about it.

My life is crazy, my thoughts are crazy, my emotions are crazy, my no-job status is crazy, my lack of income is crazy, my mind is crazy....it's official. I'm riding the Crazy Train. I'd offer you a seat, but we're all filled up over here.

I could give you explicit details...but why bother. If you're anything like me, you already know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're nothing like me and lead a perfectly normal, peaceful, balanced happy life...then please don't tell me. I don't want to add insane jealousy to my already long list of insane emotions. I don't think I can handle one more ounce of crazy.

Everything that could possibly go wrong this week on all fronts of my life, has, with the exception of someone dying. And I hope I didn't just jinx myself by saying that. Please God, keep everyone in my life alive for at least another month so I won't think I just killed them with that last statement.

Thanks to all of you who left comments on last night's post....and for the ones who said I was pretty....gorgeous even (Shelley!)....it's time to make an appointment with your eye doctor. I was trying to type the official word for the "eye doctor" but I can't remember how to spell it right now. Crazy.

Scarlette....the one that I said is the light of my life....also happens to be the cause of much unnecessary stress and housework. Yesterday I told you there was dog sh*t tracked all over my house. She pooped in the hallway. I had just woke up, got dressed, shoes and all, and was taking her out to use the bathroom (Ha! what a joke...crazy, I know) when she apparently dropped a tootsie roll in the hallway on our way out the front door. When we came back in, and down the dark hallway (this was before dawn), I apparently stepped in it.

I found it about an hour later and noticed little tracks of it all over the floors, in every room. But I didn't see it on the bottom of her feet. That's because it was on the bottom of MY feet...my tennis shoes....both of them. Do you know how many geometric shapes, cracks, crevices, nooks and crannies are in the bottom of tennis shoes? I do. Because I had to spend 30 minutes using a wooden skewer and Lysol wipes digging shit out of each and every one of them. Then I got to spend the next 30 minutes bleaching all my floors. Did I mention I have bleach-induced asthma? Crazy.

There was much, much more to yesterday, but I'll spare you the rest of the horrid details. On to today.

The day started out good because as soon as I woke up, I threw on yesterday's clothes, my freshly Lysol'd tennis shoes, threw the dog in the crate, and escaped my house and sped to the park before anything could go wrong. I locked my purse and cell phone (I hate that crazy thing) in my trunk, and headed out for a peaceful 3 mile walk. It was nice. I came home feeling sore, but my mind was refreshed. I started thinking as I pulled back into my driveway that today just might turn out well (that was crazy talk).

Things started going downhill around 10am. Wow, that didn't take long. Again, I'll spare you the next few hours of details and fast forward to around 4:30pm when it came a flood. I had mentioned in last night's post that if the stars aligned right, I would try for a 2nd 3 mile walk this afternoon. Well....you know how crazy stars are. It started pouring outside, thundering and lightning, and naturally the dog indicated that she wanted to go out. I thought she had to go do her business.

I let her out, she played and splashed in the ever-growing puddles in the yard, found a few drowning bugs to munch on, and came running back in. Every morning and every evening there's dew on the grass and her little legs get soaked. We always come in and go straight to the bathroom where I keep the towel to dry her off. I take her out a lot, so we go through this ritual about 3x in the morning and another 3x at night. It's tedious, but I don't want her to run around with wet legs and get too cold, so I do it.

When I let her back in the house during the gully-washer, she followed me down the hall, through my bedroom, and into the bathroom. I shut the door behind her and looked down. She was covered in mud from her toes all the way up to her belly. She's pretty short and close to the ground, so this isn't hard to do. I don't know why, but for some reason it didn't occur to me that rain mixed with red Georgia dirt turns into red Georgia mud (crazy, I know).

I'm a clean freak, so I panicked. I tried to grab her as quickly as I could and she thought I was playing a game with her. She jumped out of the way of my grasp and danced all around my sparkling white bathroom. White linoleum, white bathtub....thank God my bathroom rugs are maroon/burgundy because she danced all over both of those, too. I bet there were 150 muddy paw prints on my floors and the side of my tub before I caught her. Stressed is not the word.

I decided to just bathe her right then. I stepped over into the garden tub, fully clothed, and I gave her a bath, washing her with my shampoo because her shampoo was all the way at the other end of the house. There was no way in hell we were tracking back through the house. I think I got wetter than she did. She hates baths. She's a wiry, wiggly little thing and it was quite a sight. She managed to splash and sling red mud ALL OVER my bathroom before I finally got her washed, rinsed and dried.

After all the fun of that, I got to go back through the house from the bathroom to the front door, on my hands and knees, and clean all the mud off the floors. Little clumps of mud don't mop very well, so this was a hands and knee job. Balancing 245 lbs of weight on 2 rickety kneecaps on hardwood floors is just crazy. And painful.

There was about an hour's worth of tears after that.....from all that has happened this week, not just the mud. I was deflated, depressed, disgusted, drowning and all I wanted to do was eat. Right about then, I looked out the window and noticed the storm had passed. It was fleeting, but I had a tiny little thought flit through my crazy mind, telling me now's the time to go get in those other 3 miles at the park that I wanted to do.

I didn't want to. After all I've dealt with this week, all I wanted to do was crawl back in bed and finish crying. But...

I did it anyway.

I knew that I was going to have a gain this Friday, no matter what, and that 3 more stupid miles weren't going to make a difference this late in the week. I knew I had eaten too many calories for too many days and this wasn't going to be a fake sodium gain. This was going to be the real deal....real lard...the artery-clogging kind. Walking another 3 miles would be in vain for this week's weigh-in and I knew it. But...

I did it anyway.

I knew that if I did walk, afterwards, all of the problems and the craziness and the crap would still be right there waiting for me. Walking wasn't going to make any of it go away. But...

I did it anyway.

I knew that I had holes in the bottom of my shoes somewhere because I always end up with two shoes full of tiny pieces of gravel and they hurt my feet....not to mention that I'd already walked 3 miles this morning, and if I did 3 more, I'd have some serious blisters on my toes afterwards. But...

I did it anyway.

I was right about all of it. The 3 extra miles I did this evening won't have much affect on a weigh-in that's a day and a half away. It didn't take away or fix any of the problems or crap in my life. It really didn't clear out any of the cobwebs clogging up my mind. My shoes did fill up with gravel, and it did hurt, and I now have bad blisters on the bottom of all my toes. But...

I did it anyway. I walked 6 miles today. I also stayed within my calorie limit today, coming in at 1436, knowing that's only the 2nd time this week I haven't gone over. I may not have made much of a difference in my weight loss for this week. But it's not all about "this week". It's about my life. And I hope it's a long one. And I hope it turns into a happier, less stressful one soon. There are way too many things that are beyond our control. For someone as Type A and anal as me, it can make you, well....crazy, when things feel so helpless, hopeless and beyond your control. Kinda' like you ended up on the Crazy Train, except you didn't buy a ticket. It just kinda' happened.

I'm doing my absolute best to control the things I can. I've done a poor, poor job of it this week. I've let life beat me down. But for each day that you do what's right for you with the food and the exercise...the things that you can control....then that's a win for you...for your life. And that's got to be what's most important. Make no mistake. It doesn't matter how much anyone else loves you or says they care about you....NOBODY in this world cares more about what's most important for you and your life than YOU.

I can't promise that tomorrow will be good. All I can say for certain is that today was a success. Sometimes that's all we can do...one day at a time. Life happens. Sh*t happens. And maybe sometimes you get more than your share. But I think that if we take each day as it comes, that even in the midst of chaos, if we can dig deep within ourselves, find that little wellspring of hope that we each hold...the hope that this time....this time....we can finally make the changes that will produce the healthiest people we can be, then we will ultimately succeed. We will make it. We have to make ourselves the most important people in our lives, because no one else is going to. And we have to keep hope, because sometimes there's nothing else.

I know....super long post. You'll just have to forgive me for that. I hope that everone is having a super fantastic week filled with good eating choices, lots of exercise, strength, resolve, a winning desire, and belief in yourselves that you WILL get there. If you're not, and you're finding yourself surrounded by insanity like I am, then I have a few words for you, too......Keep the hope alive. :)

Quote For The Day:

"What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first steps to something better." -proverb

Labor of Love

I had a lovely Labor Day cookout with my roommate and family! And I have food pics!! I didn't take any people pics though....mom and I had both been cleaning house today among other things, and although we managed to shower, we didn't put our make-up on, so no people pics this time. However, I'm planning on trying to get some progress pics taken of me sometime this week. I'm not sure you can tell much difference in 30 lbs. I can feel a difference in my clothes, but I swear, everytime I get undressed and look in the mirror before I shower, all I see is fat. So I'll post some and we'll see.

Mom helped me do the grilling and everything turned out so good....very tasty. My Dad is the true judge of whether or not I did a good job. He'll come right out and tell you what he thinks if you ask him. If something's too salty, or overdone, or just doesn't suit his tastes, he'll tell you. You can always count on him for honesty, so after dinner, I asked him how he liked everything....and he said everything was real good! Woo hoo! The one pic that I screwed up majorly was my fruit platter that I made for dessert. I totally forgot to take the pics til after everyone was almost done eating!! I am so disappointed because it was so pretty before we dug into it. The outside was ringed with pineapple, then watermelon, then strawberries and grapes in the middle. Bummer.

One more thing! I've had to go to the park since I moved and no longer have access to the treadmill at the fitness center from my apt complex. Since I started driving over there last week, I've only done the 2 mile trail. For some reason, I haven't pushed myself to start the trail over, walk to the 2.5 mile marker, and double back to the beginning to complete the 3 miles. Today I did it!! I finally walked 3 miles, which is what I had worked up to before I moved from the apt. Only walking 2 miles again was going backwards in my progress, so it was time to step it up. And boy did I feel it!! Just goes to show you not to slack off on the exercise. If you drop back on what you're doing, or don't do it for a while, it is so hard and friggin' painful to get back in the groove. But I did it, and I'm proud. :)

I'm going to try to insert the pics now. If I can't figure it out...Pam is standing by on email for me, lol. Such a great friend. :) I enjoyed the holiday with my family and roommate Shane, as I hope all of you did, too!

Veggie Kabobs:

Grilled Salmon & Shrimp Skewers:

Baby Scallops:














Platter of Fresh Sliced Tomatoes:















Tuscan Bread with Roasted Garlic:














Lemon Pesto Butter:















Fruit Platter:













My dinner was 468 calories, and I still had 300 left over!! I know I'm supposed to be consistent with the calories and not all over the map, but I was so stuffed after dinner, I just couldn't fit anymore in. So total calories for today is 1200, and the excercise was a 3 mile walk at the park with my sister Amy. It's been a great day! Pam helped me line the pictures up, and she tried to tell me how to do it myself, so I'm going to give it another shot on tomorrow night's post with putting up pics of my baby Scarlette, and maybe some of Dwayne and I if I can find some.

Quote For The Day:

"Let us strive to improve ourselves, for we cannot remain stationary; one either progresses or retrogrades." -Mme. Du Deffand

Job Fair Tomorrow

It's been another busy day....I had a lot of errands to run and stuff to take care of. My sister Amy came over late this morning and we went to the park together and walked the 2 mile trail. It wasn't my normal power walk, but it wasn't a stroll either. The weird thing is, I was even MORE sore after today's walk than I was after yesterday's which was much more rigorous. My body is so strange, lol.

Mom met us at the park with my niece and nephew after we were done with our walk. She brought Krystal's for lunch....I was going to eat 4, but knowing they were 160 calories each, I decided to only eat 2. I have a love affair with Krystal's that just won't seem to die....but I'm getting way better at having them in smaller amounts when I do have them. They're just a terrible caloric value...so little food for so many calories, and I like making better use of my calories.

I had a piece of breakfast casserole this morning that I made yesterday...it was 211 calories. I love making these....I cut it into 4 pieces and have breakfast that morning....and then don't have to cook breakfast for the next 3 mornings! These will come in really handy when I finally get another job. I made a French style pork stew in the crockpot for dinner....it made 3 servings and was 400 calories a serving, and quite tasty I might add. I love coupling pork with rosemary. It's a lovely, fragrant combination.

I had a few snacks throughout the day and came in right at 1500 calories for the 2nd day in a row. One more day before weigh day and then we'll see what the damage is. I've been drinking tons of water, just like I usually do, so I should have flushed all the sodium out from the moving weekend. Of course there's the bloating now that Mother Nature has so graciously bestowed upon me....but there's just nothing we can do about nature. Except cuss it, which I've done profusely. :)

The job fair is tomorrow morning at the Embassy Suites hotel...they are hiring for all positions. I'm hoping to snag something in Accounting or Bookkeeping...say your prayers!! It runs from 9a-3p...I'm going to be there at 8:30am. I've got my resume ready to go...3 copies actually....maybe I'm a little overzealous? lol The most stressful thing about getting ready for this was searching through my clothes in the closet. Oh my. I came upon the realization that I haven't bought any new work clothes in YEARS. I was at the last job for 3 1/2 years, and I guess when you get comfy in a place and get used to wearing the same outfits, maybe you don't realize how worn they're getting? At least I didn't.

The other problem is, I lost 20 lbs VERY SLOWLY over the course of last year...and then another 29 lbs since I started this blog in June. That's dang near 50 lbs!! Everything is now not only worn out, but oversized. It's not exactly falling off yet, thanks to my voluptuous hips, but if I sucked my stomach in, I feel sure my skirt would hit the floor. Gonna' have to watch that tomorrow, lol.

Well I'm off to cuddle with Scarlette. Poor baby....she's loving having the fenced in front yard, after leaving the apartment....but it's a two-edged sword. She's found absolute delight in munching on bugs at night when they come out and start crawling across the sidewalk...but last night she got stung on the nose by a fuzzy caterpillar, and tonight she got stung on the lower eyelid by a bumble bee. It's a little swollen, and she keeps rubbing her eye on my leg...I feel so sorry for her. Maybe she'll learn soon to snack selectively. 'Nite nite. :)

Back on Track

After 4 days of chaos with the moving, unpacking, bad eating and lack of cardio, I'm finally back on track. I stayed within my calorie limit of 1500 calories today, and I drove myself to the park to walk the 2 mile trail. I had been walking between 2.75-3 miles a day as of last week so I'm not where I was yet, but it's a start. I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow.

Here's a frustrating little tidbit of news....Mother Nature paid me a visit this morning. She couldn't have picked a worse week, I swear. I hate her, lol. The weigh-in is going to suck, I'm sure, but the following week will look much better. I'm sure of that, too. I'm plugging along now, getting back in the groove, and I'm looking forward to feeling better soon.

I've had another long day....doing laundry, going to the park, shopping for some necessities, cooking all 3 meals again (finally!), visiting with Dwayne and playing with the puppy. I've got a job fair to go to this Thursday. For all of you praying folks, send one up for me that it will produce a decent-paying job for me and I can get back to work! This unemployment check is a joke. And I miss working.....I can't believe I just said that. A little time off is always nice, if you can handle the stress of very little money....but 6 months worth will wear on your nerves. It's gotten ridiculous and I need to go back to work and feel productive again.

Headed to bed for some much needed rest. I still haven't found that paper that has my quotes listed on it, but as soon as I do, I'll start putting up the daily quotes again. Sleep tight everyone...with dreams of goal weights dancing in your heads. :)