Give Up? Ain't Happenin'

Thanks again friends for all the comments on my last post...a lot of you told me to hang in there, and to look at how far I've come. I appreciate your thoughtful comments. I want to make sure that everyone knows that I am by no means giving up....never. Never. Ever. I have a goal and I'm going to reach it. And I HAVE come a long, long way. My highest point was 340 lbs....that was back before I started blogging. I didn't discover the wonderful world of Blogland until June of this year, when I weighed 272 lbs and made The Decision to finally get serious, once and for all.

I emailed with one friend today who thinks I'm being too negative with myself. They're afraid that I'll doom myself and undo all the good work I've done if I continue with the self-loathing. I thought about this for several hours today to see if that's really what I am doing. I've decided it's not. I don't hate myself, per se. I don't call myself "fat" names anymore....I stopped that a long time ago. And I'm extremely proud of what I've accomplished so far, because as we all know, getting the mental part of the process right is damn hard.

I get what they're saying, and it makes my heart smile to know that their concern comes from a place of true love and caring for me. Their opinion will always be welcome. But I don't really think that's where my true problem lies. However, there are a couple of people who comment that know exactly where I'm coming from....they totally "get it".

Jack Sh*t always pops over and comments on my weigh-in Friday mornings. He basically told me to get my butt in gear, because I posted that I've been flitting around with the same pound or two for 3 weeks now. His advice was to get my act together and do it right this week. I love that....he gets it...totally. He tells me what I LOVE to hear....get it right, get it done...and do it now. Not next week...not next month....do it now.

Another person named Marcelle, the chic from South Africa that's now living in Germany (listed on my blogroll), left a great comment on my last post. Regarding eating 1800 cals the last 3 days, when I set the goal at 1600, told her that I'm losing my focus. She's spot on...she hit the nail on the head. Losing my focus is EXACTLY what I've done this week. And I hate it. I don't hate ME...I hate my actions. They're unacceptable to me.

My mindset when it comes to losing this weight is simple. I'm either going to do it...or I'm not. I made The Decision to do it....and to work on it continually until I reach my goal weight of 180. I will have gone from 340 lbs that I carried on my 5'10 frame, to a curvy, healthy 180 lbs. that I plan on displaying quite proudly for a total loss of 160 lbs. That will be an astounding accomplishment for me, and I'm betting the one thing I've done in my life that I am MOST proud of. Chances are, I'll drop another 10 lbs or so while I'm trying to get comfy with maintenance, but the day I get to 180 lbs is the day I'm celebrating!!!

When I first started, I gave myself a monthly goal of 10 lb. losses. Along the way, I decided to drop that monthly goal, and make my new goal consistency. I want to get my calories to where they match my fitness level, for a consistent, healthy loss of 2 lbs. a week. Yes, I'm bright enough to realize that it might not always show up like that on a weekly basis...but if it balances out to around 7-8 lbs a month, then I feel like I have reached the consistency level that I'm aiming for.

We all know that each of our journeys and our goals within that journey are different. Some of us don't care how long it takes. It's enough for them to know that they have changed their eating habits to healthier ones, and therefore, changed their lives. That is just beyond awesome....what we should all be shooting for ultimately is great health. Others of us have a more specific time frame in mind because we're driven by deadlines, timeframes, etc. I'm definitely in that group. Did it kill me to drop that 10 lb/mo goal? Oh you bet it did. I wanted to go right back to it the very next week....but I didn't.

I've tried to do my best to end the crazy cycle of dropping 6 lbs in a week, and then staying the same or gaining a lb the very next week, all due to my brain being fried from the previous week of insanity. I'm looking to replace that insanity with some harmony...I want to tone things down a bit, and get on a more even keel. That, in turns, takes some figuring out. I'm now a firm believer that 1500 cals that work for some and produce fantastic losses every week, just doesn't work the same for everyone. How can it? Our bodies are all so different. We don't all weigh the same, nor do we metabolize the same. We don't all work at the same fitness intensity in our workouts, or work out the same amount of days in a week or month.

However, I sincerely think if you're obese and just need to get started, then 1500 calories a day is an excellent jumping-off point. Most of the 43 lbs I've lost since starting this blog have been based on 1500 cals a day, and that's thanks to Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. It's a good number. As you progress, if you feel like you need to change things up, then by all means, do so. Nothing is written in stone...it's all about what works for each individual.

I still don't know what's right for me...that's why the weigh-ins have been spotty for the last 3 weeks. But I'm working on it, and will continue to work on it until I get it figured out. There is no giving up. It's just not an option, and it's something I never think about. In fact, my most recent thoughts have been, "How fast can I get back to the gym?" I've been working out at least 5 days a week, usually 6 days. Today was my 5th day in a row, and I'll be back in there grinding it out on the treadmill again tomorrow morning. I'll probably make Friday a rest day because I think 6 days in a row is a good streak, and I do think that a day for rest and recovery is important....muscle repair and all that jazz.

I love that my best friend Pam at Journey To The Healthier Side Of Life turned me on to blogging. I had no idea how awesome this stuff was. What an incredible outlet for the process of losing weight, getting healthier, and changing your life for the better. It's so therapetutic, so uplifting, such a feeling of community. I love that even though you may have never met someone in person, they can get to know you through your writings, and really start to care about you're doing to change your life for the better. You guys are the best...I'm so glad I found you....and now that I have, I can't imagine what I'd do without you. This blog doesn't end when I reach goal.....I'll be bugging all of you all the way through maintenance!! You're stuck with me!!

I want to give my friend Cherie a shout out. She's a friend from grade school and found me on Facebook a few months ago. She reads my blog every day. She got in touch with me a few days ago and offered me some encouraging words after my disappointing weigh-in last Friday. And she gave me some FANTASTIC news that just excites me to no end. Since reading the blog, she's found a belief in herself that she can do it, too....and she's doing it!! Cherie has lost 14 lbs so far and is well on her way to her to becoming the healthy wife and mom that she desires to be. So, so proud of her and just love her to death for taking the leap.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again to anyone who's contemplating getting started. Make The Decision....jump in with both feet....and then just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I definitely encourage starting your own blog if you're able to....and then post as often as you can...it really helps with accountability....and you can say as much or as little as you're comfortable saying. Your blog is about YOU and what you need to do to work through the issues and improve YOU....your body, your health, your mind...all of you. Success is waiting....it's there for the taking. Do it....and do it now. :)

P.S. I ate 1600 calories today...I'm back in control...what a wonderful feeling!

Quote For the Day:

"Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself." -Elie Wiesel

It's Time For Change

I weighed in at 230 lbs this morning, so I lost 9 lbs. this week. Apparently the 6 lbs I was up yesterday was due to the 5 gallons of water I drank trying to make SURE that sodium would have no part in this week's weigh-in. I peed myself to death last night, so sleep was intermittent.

Now before anyone gets overly excited, you all know I gained 6 lbs. last week. I'm willing to bet at least 4 of those lbs was from the sodium I ate the previous night and just didn't have time to fall off yet. So in the 9 lbs I lost this week, I think 4 lbs of it was water weight, and 5 lbs of it was actual fat lost. I'm 2 weeks into my month, so with a 6 lb gain the first week and a 9 lb loss this week, I've lost a total of 3 lbs, which is an average of 1.5 lbs a week. I am perfectly happy with that.

I'm ready to change some things. It doesn't excite me to lose 5-6 lbs in a week and then have a gain the week or 2 after that. It just doesn't. What I am longing for is CONSISTENCY. I want to figure out my own personal groove where I'm dropping 1-2 lbs a week nearly every week.

My first thing I'm going to change is up my calories to 1700 this week. I'm hoping a few more calories will lesson the deprivation feeling I've been battling with. Also, I'm re-distributing my calories through my day. I've been eating 4x a day. Breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner. I eat dinner between 5-5:30pm and I don't eat anything else before bed, which is usually around midnight. I don't like going 7 hours with no food. It irritates me. So I'm going to start incorporating a snack around 8pm probably. I had a personal trainer once tell me that not eating after 6pm is a myth. She said it's perfectly fine to eat an evening snack, but the trick is to make sure it's no more than 150 calories.

Also, I've been eating the bulk of my calories at lunch due to something Pam's doctor told her. He said to eat the bulk of your calories earlier in the day to give your body a chance to burn them off and make dinner your lightest meal. I've been trying to work towards that. For example, my dinner last night was a 150 calorie bowl of soup. I know the dr is probably correct in his thinking, but it doesn't feel right for me. I want to try to make the calories I eat at each meal a little more even to see if it keeps me feeling more full throughout the course of the day.

Another thing. My mom told me last night that she thinks my metabolism still isn't right. She said that I eat way too little fat. I haven't done this by design, I actually never count the fat in anything I eat. The only thing I count is calories. Naturally, with scouring the earth to find the lowest calorie foods so that I can have as much volume in 1500 calories as possible, I've ended up with way too little fat in my diet. Sparkpeople says I should have between 45-60 grams of fat I day. I usually average 20-25 grams. I had to go back and look at this at their website from where I track my daily calories, because as I said, I've never paid attention to the fat before. So upping the fat is going to reduce the volume, but she says that fat helps to satisfy you, so I'm hoping the less volume won't bother me.

This is all trial and error for me. Obviously, if I get to next weigh day and I've gained, I'll have to do some more adjusting. But I don't think my problems lie with my exercise. I think walking/jogging 4 miles 5-6x a week is pretty good for my exercise. I've also been lifting free weights every other day to work on my bat wings, but I plan on incorporating some other free weight exercises this week. I think the issue is with my calories, and the way I'm eating them.

My goal is now to get to a consistent loss every week, even a small one. If I can find my groove, I will gladly nix my 10 lb/month goal and just be happy with whatever I lose....as long as I'm losing pretty consistently. The people that I've been thinking about are Jo at 282.5 and "K" at Fat [Free] Me. They are so consistent....1-2 lbs week after week after week for months on end. That's the kind of success I want.

Keep your fingers crossed for me this week!! I really need to get the "diet" feel off of this healthy eating lifestyle and find a groove that I can settle into for life. I'm in this for the long haul. :)

Quote For the Day:

"If you don't do what's best for your body, you're the one who comes up on the short end." -Julius Erving