Happy Friday Everyone!

My weigh-in this morning is 235.2 so I've managed to basically maintain this week!  On the harder weeks, that's just as important as losing to me, so I'm cool with it.  Shane's dad has shown some improvement in the last couple of days so we're thankful for that.  I'm getting ready to head out the door to the gym for the first time in a week....I can't wait!  I miss it so much.  My mind really gets into a serious funk w/o the constant exercise.  I've always said that the exercise does more for me mentally than physically and it's true.  I can really tell a difference being away from it this week.  I've neglected my house for the last several days so I've got a busy day ahead of me.  Hope everyone has a super weekend....spring is coming!  :)

Good Weekend Ahead

I weighed in this morning at 235.0.  I'm up 3 lbs from last week, but this doesn't shock me or upset me at all.  I'm finally figuring out and accepting that a couple of weeks out of my month are always going to be harder with my cycle lasting nearly 2 weeks every month....this week and next.  I'm not going to get upset about bloating that I can't do anything about, or not being able to workout as hard at the gym due to the PCOS cramps.  So I'm all good this morning!! 

Dwayne called me yesterday and said he found a dog festival in Villa Ricca so we're going to take Scarlette there tomorrow morning to "shop" and play with other puppies, lol.  I can't wait!!  I also have a baby shower to attend on Sunday afternoon and those are always fun.  I'm headed out shortly to do my grocery shopping.  I'll try to take more food pics this week.  The pics have been lacking lately because I end up eating a lot of the same things, lol.

Well I'm off to get my day started.  Have a super duper weekend friends!!  :)
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Editor's Note:

After I finished writing this post this morning (just a few mins ago), I went to catch up on Chris' last couple of posts at A Deliberate Life (listed on my blogroll).  She wrote one on Wednesday entitled "The Best Year of my Life".  If you haven't read this you MUST.

I've seen Chris around Blogland for many months, but it's just been in the last several weeks that I started reading her regulary.  She has such an excellent writing style.  She's so real, so blunt, so raw.  She has a unique talent for either making me laugh my a$$ off, or making me feel like I've been slapped right between the eyes with a 2x4.  Today was the latter.  She talks about the day she decided to change her life.  And how that day has now turned into a year.  I'm so glad I found her, and if she's not someone you regularly read, you are really missing out.  She's a gem.  Go check out this post.  :)

Quote For the Day:

You can't lose the 90th pound until you've lost the 1st pound (summarized)  -Chris @ "A Deliberate Life"

(Eyeroll)

I weighed in at 239.0 this morning for a gain of 5 lbs. this week.  And that's all I have to say about that.  Be back later this weekend with something more positive to say!  :)

Sodium Sucks

I wasn't able to flush all the sodium from Wednesday night's dinner out.  And I know it's a sodium problem because I weighed less than this Wednesday morning, and have stayed within my calories and kept exercising.  I knew better and I just didn't care at the time.  I must always remind myself when I'm about to do something stupid that I will most definitely care when Friday gets here.....and that Friday comes around every single week.  My weigh-in is 234.0 this morning for a gain of 3 lbs.  Great way to start off my new month.  Have a good weekend everyone.

A Good Weigh Day

So it's not as amazing as the 6 lbs. I dropped last week, but it's still a loss.  The scale said 231.0 this morning for a loss of 2.6 lbs.  I feel pretty good about that, especially with bumping my calories to 1800 this week, as well as a couple of really high calorie days (Sat and Mon).  I did workout 5 days this week, so I'm sure that played a part in it.  All in all, I'm a happy girl.  I've got one week left in this month. After Christmas I said I was bringing back my 10/lb month goal to give me something to strive for, then I blew that all to hell in January.  So far I've lost 8.6 lbs in the last 3 weigh-in's.  We'll see if I can knock out another 1.4 lb. loss next week to reach that 10 lb/mo goal this time.  Hope all of you have a happy and safe weekend!  :)

Quote For the Day:

"More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin."  -Unknown

No Surprises Here

I weighed 230.6 for a 3 lb gain this week.  I already explained about the happy-go-lucky restaurant eating with friends and family all week long, so no surprise.  Back on track though and feeling good.  Had a good eating day today and planning on 6 more good days before my next weigh-in.  I should at least be able to get these 3 lbs off by next weigh-in.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.  It's supposed to rain here all day tomorrow, so I'm thinking about going to see that movie "Book of Eli" that just came out today.  Who doesn't love Denzel Washington?  :)  Meeting Billie at the gym at 9am tomorrow for a great workout and some serious attention paid to these hideous arms of mine.  Plan on being back with another post by Sunday night.  :)

Wow, Really?

My weight this week is 227.6, for a loss of 2.4 lbs.  I'm a bit shocked by that.  I was praying I was doing enough just to maintain.  It's inspiring to see a loss 2 weeks in a row.  I'm back down to the 220's and I'm going to do my best to never see 230 again in my life.

I had mentioned I was bringing back my 10 lb/mo goal.  Last Friday was the first week of the new month and I lost  3 lbs.  This is the second week and I've lost 2.4 more.  That means I've got 2 weeks left to lose 4.6 lbs and reach my goal.  Do you think I can do it???  Oh you bet your sweet a$$ I can. 

I've got to end this post so I can go bundle up and head out in the 17 degree weather to get to the gym.  The elliptical awaits.  :)

Beginning of the End

I weigh 233.0 this morning for ANOTHER gain of 2 lbs.  I seriously thought about giving myself a Christmas present and skipping this weigh-in altogether.  But I changed my mind.  After all, I needed to know where I started from when I show a LOSS next week.  This is the end of the gaining.  I have no doubt about that.  I've spent all week mulling over the changes that I'll be starting tomorrow morning, honing my determination, gathering my focus.  I'm really looking forward to tomorrow morning. :)

I've got some Christmas pics I'm going to try to post.  We'll see how many of them came out.  I took some of my holiday baking, although not everything I made.  I tried my hand at making some homemade gifts this year.  I painted 4 different wooden items to give away as gifts last night.  The first one was a "Noel" sign that I tried to stencil.  It took me HOURS to fix the mistakes on it, so I threw out the stencils and decided to just free-hand the rest of them.  I kept the "Noel" sign for myself because I didn't think it was cute enough, and gave the other 3 items as gifts.  I have very little experience with painting so no laughing!!!  And I've got a couple of pics from Christmas Eve dinner at Mom's house, although none of them include me.  :)

I have a lot more pics to show you but I'll save them til the next post since there's already a lot here.  I'm going to my sister's house this afternoon for Christmas Day dinner with the family.  I'll be taking more pics there also.  Hope everyone is having a wonderful, magical time with their families.  :)

The Ugly Truth

I weigh 231 lbs this morning. I was 226.4 last Friday, so I'm up 5.6 lbs. Let me see if I can put a positive spin on this since I'm tired of all my depressing posts. I was up 8 lbs on Monday morning, so I stopped gaining at least. Started to pull the reigns back in the last few days. I've been to the gym 4 out of the last 5 days and going again this morning. Yes, I know (Jack!), things are going in the wrong direction. Hoping to get fully focused again soon. I'm not giving up.

Rebounding & Realization

The scale says 226.0 this morning for a loss of 6 lbs. I'm very happy with that. Now it's time to whittle away at the rest of that gain from last week so I can get back to where I was.

I'll be back in the gym this week, starting tonight, so I'm keeping my calories at 1700 this time.

I was very disappointed that I had to post that gain last week....disappointed that I earned that gain. But I also realized something this past week. I turned it around in one week. That's huge for me. That tells me that I'm learning and actually making progress, whereas before I started this blog and The Decision to lose the weight for good, I would have stuffed my face for weeks or months on end. I wouldn't have cared that I was creating an even bigger problem by expanding my obesity.

Now I care. I'm aware of what goes in my body and the direct results it has on it. I wish I could say I've got it all down pat, but I obviously don't. But I'm thankful for the progress...I'm thankful I've actually learned something in these last 6 months, and that it's not about just dropping a few lbs....it's about the process. It's about figuring out how I got obese in the first place, and changing those things along the way, so that I end up with a different ending than the one I was destined for just a few short months ago.

Now I have hope. Things are going to get better. Despite the bad days, I'm on the right path. I'm getting there. I'm so glad I'm finally getting it right. :)

If you need a laugh, head on over to Alix's blog at Casa Hice. She's listed on my Blogroll (I suck at setting up links in my post). I've always said that Jack Sh*t is the funniest person that I've run across in Blogland, but I gotta' tell ya'....it looks like Alix just might rival Jack. Go read her post from yesterday about looking for a replacement for her husband.....the kicker is that the comments are even funnier than the post. Effing hilarious stuff....very clever. :)

The Dreaded Weigh-in

Boy, this is a hard one to type. Maybe that's why I waited til 12 hours after the weigh-in to do it.

I weighed yesterday morning, just to see where I was before I ate TWO Thanksgiving meals. I was 229 lbs. This morning I was 232 lbs. I'm recording this as my official weigh-in because I ate like a moron this week and I deserve it. I gained 9.6 lbs. this week and I am soooo over the depression eating. I'm over it....I'm done. Time to get back in the game.

I'm still having a hard time with the break up. As a matter of fact, after I went to the gym this morning and put in a great 1 1/2 hr workout, I met up with my sister Brandy and cried about half the time we were together....which was a 5 hour time period. She wanted to talk about it. She wanted to know what happened, why didn't he want me anymore, why didn't he want to marry me, what went wrong.....don't you just love those questions when you're already feeling pretty damn worthless and unloveable???

This is the exact reason I've been trying to blockade myself in my house and stay away from people. I like to go through this kind of crap alone. I do not like answering people's questions about painful emotional bullsh*t like this. I appreciate support and concern...but I do not like to be drilled. The truth is, I don't have any answers. I don't know why I wasn't good enough or why our worlds never melded together the way I wanted them to. But we don't always get to know the answers, which can definitely be the hardest part. Asking me about it though is pouring salt in the wound. So today sucked.

Yesterday sucked too. The first half was good....my roommate Shane and his girlfriend (and my gym buddy) Billie decided to move their Thanksgiving dinner to my house and Shane's parents came along, as well as Billie's daughter Kandice. Billie had an amazing spread of food and it was all beautiful and delicious. I was really impressed, because she kept telling me she's not a great cook. She lied, lol. I appreciated the thought, too. They did it so I wouldn't be alone.

Well it ended up that I wasn't going to be alone....I was going to be at Dwayne's Mom's house. He asked me on more than one occasion since we broke up last week to please make the effort to come, even though he knew it would be difficult for both of us. His mom specifically asked him to invite me, to which I said no the first time. Then a couple of days later....she told him to ask me AGAIN....that she really wanted to see me and Scarlette. I caved the second time, because I really love her, and didn't want to disrespect her in any way.

I had a great time visiting Judy and her friend Nat. He's a cute little old Italian man and he's great fun to talk to. Towards the end of dinner, much to our surprise, he exclaimed, "Judy....I'm drunk!", to which I promptly spewed some stuffing out of my mouth with my uncontrollable laughter. Everyone was laughing.....he only had 1 glass of red wine we thought....then he told us that was his 2nd one, and he can't hold his liquor anymore, lol. Unfortunately, Dwayne and I only said maybe 5 words to each other during the entire 2 hour visit. I felt sad for him, because he was very clearly being excluded while I engaged Judy and Nat in lively conversation....but I knew if I put my focus on him, I'd end up in tears and ruin the holiday for everyone. It was just sad.

When Dwayne was walking me out, his mom called him back in the house to ask him a question. I knew it was about me. He came back out and said that she wanted to know if I'd come back over in December to get the gift that she was going to have for me and also a gift for Scarlette. I just stared at him as if to say, "Are you serious???". He begged me....said please, I know it's hard, but please just do it for Mom...she loves you and Scarlette so much...please come back one more time. I just rolled my eyes and said okay. I cried for most of the rest of the night.

I know that I will continue to see Dwayne on and off for a while so I need to get over the crying. He is Scarlette's Daddy and just as much in love with her as I am. He's cared for her in every way....bought her everything she's ever needed since the night he brought her home to me. I remember that night. It was Dec. 8th of last year. He found a breeder in Macon, which was about a 2-2 1/2 hour drive one way. He took the day off work and went and got her, getting lost along the way. He made the long drive back, calling his mom on the way, asking her to pick up a bag of dog food, some pee pads, and a leash and collar for her, so I'd have something for her the first night. He was planning on buying anything else she needed the next day.

Well when he got to his mom's house with the baby, she had a HUGE bag packed. She went out and bought the things he asked for, along with a brand new pink puppy bed, a baby blanket, treats, toys, a food and water bowl, flea spray, shampoo, conditioner, vinegar to clean up pee spots in case she had an accident (she was only 4 months old), and some medicine she got from the vet for her peekapoo, in case she had a seizure, because peekapoo's are prone to that at a young age.....oh, and a child gate to keep her pinned in the kitchen when I went to work, so she couldn't pee on the carpet.

Can you see why I love this woman? Dwayne, being so concerned over the new puppy and not wanting her to be left alone, took the next 3 days off work JUST to stay at my apt with her so she wouldn't be alone. He took her to the vet the next day and paid a $200 vet bill to get her caught up on all of her shots, and he's paid every vet bill since then, including the one where we got her spayed at 6 months old. She stole his heart immediately. So I just don't have it in me to keep her away from him. That's not something I'm going to do.

So....I'm going to do my best to get through the holiday season, and hopefully by January, I'll be feeling a little stronger and things will get a little easier. I have hope that they will.

My plan this week is to eat 1500 cals a day each day, and workout at the gym all 7 days. I'm sitting at 1500 cals right now for today and I'm done eating. I've finally got my focus back. Normally, I'd be keeping it at 1700 since it netted me a 3 lb loss a couple of weeks in a row.....but I've done so much damage this week, that I need to work a little harder to undo it. So we'll see what I can get off by next Friday's weigh-in...I'm praying at least 5 lbs....because I really don't think the 9.6 lbs I gained is all fat...some of it has to be water weight.

I hope everyone had a truly magnificent Thanksgiving with friends and family. I'm looking forward to getting back in the groove and back to Blogland where I belong. :)

Moving In The Right Direction

A huge thank you to Pam for guest posting last night. If you haven't had a chance to read it yet, make sure to scroll down and do so. VERY informative information that I had no idea about, so thank you Pam for opening my eyes and sharing with the rest of us!

I weighed in at 222.4 this morning, for a loss of 3.6 lbs. This is what I did this week to achieve that loss:

Calories:
Fri - 2000
Sat - 1700
Sun - 1700
Mon - 1700
Tues - 1700
Wed - 1800
Thur - 1140 (bad day)

I exercised 5 days this week, from Sat-Wed, that included the treadmill for cardio and 3 reps on each weight machine, each of those 5 days. Our workouts take about an hour and a half to complete.

I realized this morning that I'm only .4 of a lb. from the 50 lbs lost mark, and only 23 lbs away from Onederland. That's good news! Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!! :)

Irritated With Myself

I weighed in at 229.0 this morning, so I gained 1 lb. I've been flitting around with the same 1-2 lbs. for the last 3 weeks. Starting to get irritated with myself. I'm changing my calories to 1600 a day this week and will continue to work out.

Interestingly enough, Dwayne emailed me yesterday and said he checked out the gym close to his house and took the tour, but hasn't joined yet. Then earlier in the week he took a 2 mile walk. And he said he wants to start eating better (mind you....this still means no veggies for him)....so he said on his way over to my house tonight, he's picking up some fresh fish to grill out for us, along with some salad and fresh fruit. Hooray!! We're grilling chicken out for dinner on Saturday along with some corn on the cob for him and some veggie kabobs for me, along with another salad. Sounds like it's going to be a good eating weekend and it's such a relief to hear that after 5 long months, he's finally climbing on board!

Let's hope all of you have a better weigh-in than I have this week!! Have a fabulous weekend!! :)

Quote For the Day:

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!" -Marvin Phillips

It's Time For Change

I weighed in at 230 lbs this morning, so I lost 9 lbs. this week. Apparently the 6 lbs I was up yesterday was due to the 5 gallons of water I drank trying to make SURE that sodium would have no part in this week's weigh-in. I peed myself to death last night, so sleep was intermittent.

Now before anyone gets overly excited, you all know I gained 6 lbs. last week. I'm willing to bet at least 4 of those lbs was from the sodium I ate the previous night and just didn't have time to fall off yet. So in the 9 lbs I lost this week, I think 4 lbs of it was water weight, and 5 lbs of it was actual fat lost. I'm 2 weeks into my month, so with a 6 lb gain the first week and a 9 lb loss this week, I've lost a total of 3 lbs, which is an average of 1.5 lbs a week. I am perfectly happy with that.

I'm ready to change some things. It doesn't excite me to lose 5-6 lbs in a week and then have a gain the week or 2 after that. It just doesn't. What I am longing for is CONSISTENCY. I want to figure out my own personal groove where I'm dropping 1-2 lbs a week nearly every week.

My first thing I'm going to change is up my calories to 1700 this week. I'm hoping a few more calories will lesson the deprivation feeling I've been battling with. Also, I'm re-distributing my calories through my day. I've been eating 4x a day. Breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner. I eat dinner between 5-5:30pm and I don't eat anything else before bed, which is usually around midnight. I don't like going 7 hours with no food. It irritates me. So I'm going to start incorporating a snack around 8pm probably. I had a personal trainer once tell me that not eating after 6pm is a myth. She said it's perfectly fine to eat an evening snack, but the trick is to make sure it's no more than 150 calories.

Also, I've been eating the bulk of my calories at lunch due to something Pam's doctor told her. He said to eat the bulk of your calories earlier in the day to give your body a chance to burn them off and make dinner your lightest meal. I've been trying to work towards that. For example, my dinner last night was a 150 calorie bowl of soup. I know the dr is probably correct in his thinking, but it doesn't feel right for me. I want to try to make the calories I eat at each meal a little more even to see if it keeps me feeling more full throughout the course of the day.

Another thing. My mom told me last night that she thinks my metabolism still isn't right. She said that I eat way too little fat. I haven't done this by design, I actually never count the fat in anything I eat. The only thing I count is calories. Naturally, with scouring the earth to find the lowest calorie foods so that I can have as much volume in 1500 calories as possible, I've ended up with way too little fat in my diet. Sparkpeople says I should have between 45-60 grams of fat I day. I usually average 20-25 grams. I had to go back and look at this at their website from where I track my daily calories, because as I said, I've never paid attention to the fat before. So upping the fat is going to reduce the volume, but she says that fat helps to satisfy you, so I'm hoping the less volume won't bother me.

This is all trial and error for me. Obviously, if I get to next weigh day and I've gained, I'll have to do some more adjusting. But I don't think my problems lie with my exercise. I think walking/jogging 4 miles 5-6x a week is pretty good for my exercise. I've also been lifting free weights every other day to work on my bat wings, but I plan on incorporating some other free weight exercises this week. I think the issue is with my calories, and the way I'm eating them.

My goal is now to get to a consistent loss every week, even a small one. If I can find my groove, I will gladly nix my 10 lb/month goal and just be happy with whatever I lose....as long as I'm losing pretty consistently. The people that I've been thinking about are Jo at 282.5 and "K" at Fat [Free] Me. They are so consistent....1-2 lbs week after week after week for months on end. That's the kind of success I want.

Keep your fingers crossed for me this week!! I really need to get the "diet" feel off of this healthy eating lifestyle and find a groove that I can settle into for life. I'm in this for the long haul. :)

Quote For the Day:

"If you don't do what's best for your body, you're the one who comes up on the short end." -Julius Erving

Stay Tuned...

When I got up this morning, I took a peek at the scale, and was planning on writing a pretty confident post tonight about tomorrow's weigh-in. Then I got back on it a couple of hours ago and I've gained 6 lbs over the course of the day. I swear, my body is so effed up. I've done everything right...not much sodium, under 1500 calories, walked/jogged 4 miles at the park this morning....just amazes me how that can happen. So....Thurday (weigh-in eve) has been just as stressful today as they've always been. I think I've been holding my breath for the last 2 hours. I need to go to bed and get this over with tomorrow morning. Tomorrow's post, along with the weigh-in, will be about a couple of changes I'm planning on making this week in my quest for consistency. Let's pray I don't REALLY eff things up and gain 10 lbs next week, lol. 'Nite friends. :)

Quote For the Day:

"It is much easier to go down a hill than up, but the view is much better at the top." -Henry Ward Beecher

Satisfied.....Almost

The scale says 233.0 this morning, so I lost 4.8 lbs. this week! The not-so-cool news is that this was the last week of the month for me, and I missed my 10 lb/mo. goal AGAIN!! I only lost 8.8 lbs. this month. I'm satisifed with the amount of 4.8 lbs for this one week, but not with the total amount of 8.8 lbs for the month. I'm not satisfied because I know I can do better....obviously. I had 2 weeks out of 4 where I had a slight gain.

I'm off to the park shortly to do some walking and then back home. I've got a small box of Fall decorations that I believe I'll put out today. This is my all-time favorite season, with winter being a close second. Christmas is my absolute most favorite holiday ever!!! I'm really looking forward to the cooler weather. It makes it so much nicer to walk in. Have a super duper day everyone!! :)

Frazzled Friday

Sorry!! I have never posted my weigh-in this late before!! The scale said 237.8 this morning for a gain of .8 of a lb. I've got one week left in my 4th month, and so far I've lost a total of 4 lbs in the last 3 weeks. To give you an idea of just how pathetic that is, Pam is over there kicking a$$ on her weight loss, losing like 14+ lbs this month!!!!! Dang it!! I gotta' get busy!!!

My precious little puppy Scarlette got sick right off the bat this morning. She had diarreah on Monday, but then seemed to be okay the last 3 days. Well this morning she yakked up 4 vomit piles on my livingroom rug and I freaked. I called the vet and made an appt, ran around and did all of my errands, met up with Dwayne and helped him with some stuff, and didn't make it back home until 8:30pm tonight. Been a crazy day.

The vet didn't really know what was wrong with Scarlette. He rubbed her tummy (feeling for sticks she might have eaten out in the yard), checked her stool for parasites, that was fine, checked her temp, that was fine, checked her weight, that was fine, gave her a shot, gave me 3 meds for nausea and diarreah, and finally told me she probably just ate the wrong kind of bug while outside playing. That's my baby....and that little assessment cost me $107! No biggie....I'd spend my last dollar on that baby if it meant keeping her in the best of health. I wish she would live forever.

So anyhoo, small gain this week. Due to my insanely busy day and nothing going as planned, I didn't make it to the park. My plan for tomorrow is to get up and hit the park and do 4 miles. Then I'm going to try and talk Dwayne into taking Scarlette with us back to the park tomorrow evening for a 2 mile walk. That's about all the baby's short little legs can handle. Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! :)

Skinny Tammy Is Back!!!

I have great news everyone! The bingeing fog has lifted and I'm back in the game!! You're not going to believe what pulled me out of it. I watched The Biggest Loser tonight and it gave me the shove I needed. Yes, yes, I know...I trashed this show to death last Tuesday. However, I did say that I was sure the longer I watched it, the more I'd warm up to it. I just had no idea it would happen on the 2nd week!! But it did, and I'm so, so glad. I have Pam to thank for this....she asked me to watch the show with her this season, because it's been such an inspiration to her.

I will say that I still hate their outfits...that doesn't change. But if you watched tonight, then you noticed that there wasn't the same degrading yelling and screaming in the gym this time. That was very refreshing....and also proved my point from last week....you CAN motivate people to reach their goals WITHOUT screaming and cussing at them. Also, there was a segment where Jillian was talking with half the group about nutrition, etc. She actually seemed human....almost like she really CARED. Totally different from last week. That, too, was refreshing. It completely changed the tone of the show this week, and I was able to enjoy it, learn from it, and be inspired by it.

Bob was talking to Shay about why she was there. Her mom was a heroine addict and died from it. Shay has a LOT of emotional issues....she weighs over 400 lbs. She made a statement in talking to Bob where she said, "A lot of these pounds are wounds". Oh my goodness do I know what she's talking about. It put me in mind of one of my very first posts entitled "Healing Old Wounds". Here's an excerpt from that post:

" I am hoping that with each pound I leave behind it will act as a little dab of salve on the wounds that have been gaping open for so long. I want to heal. I want to be truly happy with myself for the first time. I want to love me."

I know that some people will say that you have to love yourself now....that you deserve to be happy now, just the way you are....that the number on the scale doesn't define who you are as a person, etc. I'm probably fixing to piss all of those people off with my next statement, lol.

Some of us fat people just don't feel that way. It can make sense in our minds...it can sound all warm and fuzzy...and we can even realize other good traits/characteristics about ourselves. But that doesn't mean that we know how to fully embrace the whole "love yourself NOW" concept. For some of us, these pounds ARE wounds....and for some of us, we do feel undeserving. We don't have to have a good reason for feeling that way, we just feel that way.

For some of us, we feel like getting this weight off and keeping it off will cause those wounds to close and finally start to heal. There will be scars left....reminders of what we went through and the terrible way we dealt with it...or didn't deal with it. The horribly abusive way we treated our bodies. But I'm hoping those scars will remind us to never go back the way we came. At least that's my prayer.

I know that for some of us, the weight is just a "surface problem".....you say that you just love food and you eat too much of it...a simple problem of needing to learn some self-control (although I think the # of people that it's that simplistic for is not very high). But for others, the reasons you got THIS fat go far, far deeper than just needing to learn self-control and correct portion sizes. Way deeper. For those people, and I am in this group, the mental/emotional work that needs to be done and the changes that need to be made are what's most important in these travels. That's the real issue here. The pounds falling off are just a result of working out the reasons you became obese in the first place. Yes, eating less and moving more cause you to drop the pounds. But learning how to reverse 20 year habits, thought processes, and developing new coping mechanisms are what's going to KEEP the weight off for me. It's what's going to keep me from going backwards.

Isn't that what we all want? To make this the last time that we ever have to lose the weight? To know that we will succeed, and then succeed at maintenance because of the things we learned and the work we did along the way? Who wants to be the blogger that has to post about a 50 lb. climb back up the scale, if they're still interested in accountability? Not me. That's for damn sure. It's not gonna' be me. I won't let it happen.

I slipped. Okay, I did more than slip. I took a friggin' head dive off the wagon. And boy do I have a nasty bump on my head. It hurts like heck, and I have a feeling it's going to hurt again when I step on the scale this Friday morning. I'll pay the piper, and then I'll laugh in his face on the next Friday's weigh-in. I re-visited my old way of life, and there are no words to accurately describe to you how depressing it was.

Here's what I learned. That's not me anymore. I'm tired of the stupid eating. I'm tired of the lack of control. I'm tired of not walking in the last 4 days. I'm disgusted with the bad eating. You wanna' know the crazy thing about the crappy eating these last few days? I didn't even enjoy any of it. Isn't that crazy??? I ate some of the same things that I used to eat before I started learning to eat healthier, and they just don't taste the same. Same stuff, totally different taste. How weird is that? Here's the other thing. They used to comfort and satisfy me. I haven't felt any comfort or any satisfaction in the last few days. I've felt miserable....I was going backwards and I hated it.

I can't believe I'm going to say this but I miss 166 calorie breakfast casserole. I miss cantaloupe and cottage cheese. I miss 87 calorie a cup chicken soup. I miss turkey burgers. I miss 32 oz. glasses of water. I miss a sweat-soaked shirt after a long, hard walk. I miss the pride I feel when I progress how far I'm walking from one week to the next. I miss scouring my low cal/low fat recipe books for yummy, healthy recipes. I miss being able to look in the mirror in the morning and smile back at myself...instead of having to look away from shame. I miss laying my head down on the pillow at night, and thinking back on all the great choices I made that day, and the restraint I exercised, instead of laying there in misery in a carb-filled fog.

It's time to get back to the things I miss. I'm the only one keeping myself from it. The only one standing in my way is Fat Tammy and even as I type this, I'm plotting her demise, lol. Her days are numbered. All the comments I received from my last post were just beyond awesome. I hope you guys know that I care just as much about you and the work you're trying to do, as you do about me and my crazy travels. I was feeling like a ship on a stormy sea that lost all of it's bearings and had been blown off course. You guys are my lighthouse. Along with the inspiration I drew from the show tonight, your kind comments and the private emails I received guided me back on course. You didn't leave me....your light shone bright....and you waited for me to take hold of the wheel again. Well I'll have you know that as soon as I finish typing this post, I'm super-glueing both hands to that wheel.

I'm very excited to do my post tomorrow night so I can report how many miles I walked at the park. I know how bad it's going to hurt...."pain is just weakness leaving the body"....I'm expecting to fully feel every ounce of weakness that I purge from this big, fat, lazy body. I'm going to pay for my sins from these last 5 days. I managed to walk 3.5 miles last Friday, but not one step since then. That's okay. When I get done, I get to enjoy the sticky feel of my sweaty shirt clinging to my fat rolls, and the aroma of smelling like hot garbage on my drive home to a welcoming shower. I'm looking forward to the feel and smell of a successful day. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Failure? I've never encountered it.......only temporary setbacks." -Bill Marriott, Marriott Hotels

Anxiety Bites

Short post tonight....I had one goal for this week...to break into the 230's. I was 242 lbs. last Friday morning, so I need a 3 lb. loss. Although I've done all the work to earn it this week, I'm afraid that since I want it so bad, it won't happen. I'm stressed to the max here, lol. Doing my best to keep the faith!!

It has rained every day here this week and precious Scarlette has tracked up my hardwood floors with muddy pawprints faster than I can keep them clean, so I'll be busy the rest of the night cleaning house. Woo hoo! Big fun at Tammy's house! lol I'll be back in the morning with the news. :)

P.S. Sarah, who goes by S. and can be found at "Ethereal Endeavor" on my bloglist, gave me a fantastic award today! It's called the Honest Scrap award and I proudly displayed it on my sidebar. Thank you so much Sarah...I'm truly honored! There are rules that go along with receiving this award, just as with other awards, and I have to pass it out to 10 more people. I've got so much cleaning to do tonight, that I just can't dedicate the time to choosing those people....I'm going out of town this weekend for a short getaway to the Smokey Mountains in Cherokee, NC. I will do my best to name my recipients tomorrow, but if not, definitely by next Monday! Stay tuned!

Quote For The Day:

"Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice and need." -Voltaire

Mystified

The scale says, after triple-checking it, that I weigh 242.0. That means I ONLY gained .2 of a lb. As Sheilagh at "Sixty by Sixty" would say...I'm gobsmacked.

All I can say is that I guess eating in the 1400 calorie range, drinking gobs of water, and walking 11 miles in the last 3 days benefitted me more than I realized. I've learned a valuable lesson here....don't understimate the power of combining these 3 things. The flip side of this is....if I would have done these 3 things all 7 days this week instead of only 3, I would have shown an amazing weight loss.

With that said....I'm fixing to eat my 150 calorie breakfast of a Granny Smith apple and reduced fat mozarella cheesestick this morning and then I'm headed to the park to knock out 3 miles. My number one goal for tonight and tomorrow is to not let what Dwayne is eating in front of me affect my choices. I MUST stay on track, because I am just sick to death from trying to recover from bad weekend eating. It's been too many weeks since I've seen a nice-sized loss and I'm hungry for another one. I'm all geared up and ready for this week's battle. Onward!