Change: Hard but Necessary

I've been feeling really out of sorts since I posted my weigh-in Friday morning. Now that I've thrown out my 10 lb/mo goal and said I'll just be happy with any kind of loss, as long as I can find some consistency, I don't know what to do with myself. As an all or nothing person, and someone who is goal-oriented, I'm feeling kind of like a ship without a sail. One thing that has added to this feeling is that I can't do my normal 4 mile walk/jog at the park this week and that is really messing with my mind.

When I got out of bed Friday morning my right knee started popping, and continued to pop all throughout the day and night. It's been doing it all weekend now, and my knee is really weak. This happened 2-3 months ago, when all I was doing was walking on the treadmill for exercise, and not nearly as far as I'm walking now. I guess I've just got a bad knee. It feels weak, strange, like it wants to pop out sideways. So my normal exercise is just out of the question. It's irritating the crap out of me that I'm probably out of commission for at least a week....but I really don't want to injure it any further. That would just be stupid. So I'm having to suck it up and deal with it...accept it...and that's just not my style, lol.

My day normally starts with rolling out of bed, taking my thyroid medicine, waiting a little while and then eating a small breakfast, making sure my lower back is loosened up enough to move, and then out the door to the park to do my exercise. I'm the type of person that REALLY likes to get the exercise over with in the morning. If for any reason I can't, and it has to wait til afternoon or evening, it messes with my whole day. I can't rest or clear my mind until I know I've burned those calories. I sincerely think the reason I've had so much success with the weight loss up to this point is because of the exercise.

I also think that doing it earlier helps to burn calories longer throughout the day and raise my metabolism. Dwayne and I have been talking about him buying me a used treadmill as a Christmas gift. One reason is for the winter weather, but the other is so that when I finally get to go back to work, I can wake up an hour earlier and get the exercise out of the way. That way I have killed any excuses for not doing it after work....I'm too tired, I've got to go home and take care of Scarlette, got to stop by the store, I've got to cook dinner, something just came up....you know all the reasons it doesn't get done.

So anyhoo...back to the weekend. My knee is screwed, I'm floundering a bit in my brain because of it, and I overate Friday and Saturday. I didn't binge, it wasn't that horrendous, but it was more than the 1700 calories I said I was going to try out this week. Now with me not being able to do enough cardio, I decided I better keep the calories at 1600 to try and make up for some of it.

Friday my knee was hurting too bad to do anything at all. Saturday I got up and went to the park and did a 2 mile walk. I didn't even break a sweat. That was disappointing, but I kept telling myself not to overdo it, so I made myself leave without doing another 2 miles. Today I went next door to my mom and dad's and rode on their stationary bike for 15-20 mins (I forgot to time it). Then I did some exercises here at home. Let me see if I can remember it all:

50 wall push-ups (2 sets of 25)
100 crunches (2 sets of 50)
20 leg lifts (2 sets of 10)
40 tricep (I think that's the official name for my bat wings?) exercises with a 10 lb free weight (2 sets of 20)
10 shoulder exercises with a 10 lb free weight

None of this required any sweating, so I don't feel like I did near enough. I just can't wait til I can get back to normal. I'm planning another 2 mile walk in the morning. I want to do this every other day just to try and stay in the mindframe of going to the park. And like I said, it's not enough to even make me sweat. It's funny to me to say that now. I remember when I did a post entitled, "E is for Evil...and Exercise". I did NOT want to get started...it was shortly after I started my blog and I didn't want exercise to be part of my weight loss...it was too painful. But I knew it had to be, so when I got started walking on the treadmill at my old apt complex, I could only do 15 mins at a time. I thought I was dying. I was sweating like a pig in heat and falling off the treadmill with legs that felt like Jell-o. It's amazing how things progress and improve if you just keep at it....just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm glad I did.

I finally got my eating back on track today. Can't say I feel any better about this whole change yet....but I'm sure I'll be okay soon. It takes me more than a couple of days to adjust to things. It will get better. I ate 1500 calories today, and I have a few food pics.

The first one is my Grandma's recipe for Beef Soup. It's one of my favorites. And I dished it up in a bowl that used to be hers. She gave it to mom to give to me a few years back when she heard how sentimental it was to me. Grandma used to serve beef soup to us in these bowls when we were little kids. It was a memory I wanted to hold onto, so she gave me one of the bowls. It's orange on top with a black bottom....kind of fitting for the upcoming season. :)

I ate 5 or 6x today like I said I was going to. It does help to keep me feeling less hungry and less frantic. One of the things I had was a 4 oz. bbq chicken breast that Dwayne grilled for us for dinner last night.

Mom invited me over for dinner tonight. She said she was making fried catfish and coleslaw and I forget what else. I decided to skip it, and had a veggie plate at home instead. Cabbage, cauliflower/broccoli, and sliced tomatoes.

The weather got pretty cold here this weekend and I noticed Scarlette was shivering when I'd take her outside. Dwayne and I went to Walmart and bought her a little sweater to help keep her warm. The sides of it hung down, and Dwayne asked me where my sewing kit was. I went and got it out of the closet for him, and he took it upon himself to hand-stitch the sides together underneath, so that her tummy would stay a little warmer. It's the little things like this that make me love him so much. :)

Yes, she's standing on my diningroom table. She doesn't listen very well, but shes still momma's baby. :)

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. If you're struggling or floundering, hang in there. Just don't give up. There IS no quitting....maybe just a little re-adjusting to figure out what's best for you. We'll all get there...and we'll do it together. :)

Quote For the Day:

"You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream of things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" -George Bernard Shaw

It's Time For Change

I weighed in at 230 lbs this morning, so I lost 9 lbs. this week. Apparently the 6 lbs I was up yesterday was due to the 5 gallons of water I drank trying to make SURE that sodium would have no part in this week's weigh-in. I peed myself to death last night, so sleep was intermittent.

Now before anyone gets overly excited, you all know I gained 6 lbs. last week. I'm willing to bet at least 4 of those lbs was from the sodium I ate the previous night and just didn't have time to fall off yet. So in the 9 lbs I lost this week, I think 4 lbs of it was water weight, and 5 lbs of it was actual fat lost. I'm 2 weeks into my month, so with a 6 lb gain the first week and a 9 lb loss this week, I've lost a total of 3 lbs, which is an average of 1.5 lbs a week. I am perfectly happy with that.

I'm ready to change some things. It doesn't excite me to lose 5-6 lbs in a week and then have a gain the week or 2 after that. It just doesn't. What I am longing for is CONSISTENCY. I want to figure out my own personal groove where I'm dropping 1-2 lbs a week nearly every week.

My first thing I'm going to change is up my calories to 1700 this week. I'm hoping a few more calories will lesson the deprivation feeling I've been battling with. Also, I'm re-distributing my calories through my day. I've been eating 4x a day. Breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner. I eat dinner between 5-5:30pm and I don't eat anything else before bed, which is usually around midnight. I don't like going 7 hours with no food. It irritates me. So I'm going to start incorporating a snack around 8pm probably. I had a personal trainer once tell me that not eating after 6pm is a myth. She said it's perfectly fine to eat an evening snack, but the trick is to make sure it's no more than 150 calories.

Also, I've been eating the bulk of my calories at lunch due to something Pam's doctor told her. He said to eat the bulk of your calories earlier in the day to give your body a chance to burn them off and make dinner your lightest meal. I've been trying to work towards that. For example, my dinner last night was a 150 calorie bowl of soup. I know the dr is probably correct in his thinking, but it doesn't feel right for me. I want to try to make the calories I eat at each meal a little more even to see if it keeps me feeling more full throughout the course of the day.

Another thing. My mom told me last night that she thinks my metabolism still isn't right. She said that I eat way too little fat. I haven't done this by design, I actually never count the fat in anything I eat. The only thing I count is calories. Naturally, with scouring the earth to find the lowest calorie foods so that I can have as much volume in 1500 calories as possible, I've ended up with way too little fat in my diet. Sparkpeople says I should have between 45-60 grams of fat I day. I usually average 20-25 grams. I had to go back and look at this at their website from where I track my daily calories, because as I said, I've never paid attention to the fat before. So upping the fat is going to reduce the volume, but she says that fat helps to satisfy you, so I'm hoping the less volume won't bother me.

This is all trial and error for me. Obviously, if I get to next weigh day and I've gained, I'll have to do some more adjusting. But I don't think my problems lie with my exercise. I think walking/jogging 4 miles 5-6x a week is pretty good for my exercise. I've also been lifting free weights every other day to work on my bat wings, but I plan on incorporating some other free weight exercises this week. I think the issue is with my calories, and the way I'm eating them.

My goal is now to get to a consistent loss every week, even a small one. If I can find my groove, I will gladly nix my 10 lb/month goal and just be happy with whatever I lose....as long as I'm losing pretty consistently. The people that I've been thinking about are Jo at 282.5 and "K" at Fat [Free] Me. They are so consistent....1-2 lbs week after week after week for months on end. That's the kind of success I want.

Keep your fingers crossed for me this week!! I really need to get the "diet" feel off of this healthy eating lifestyle and find a groove that I can settle into for life. I'm in this for the long haul. :)

Quote For the Day:

"If you don't do what's best for your body, you're the one who comes up on the short end." -Julius Erving

Stay Tuned...

When I got up this morning, I took a peek at the scale, and was planning on writing a pretty confident post tonight about tomorrow's weigh-in. Then I got back on it a couple of hours ago and I've gained 6 lbs over the course of the day. I swear, my body is so effed up. I've done everything right...not much sodium, under 1500 calories, walked/jogged 4 miles at the park this morning....just amazes me how that can happen. So....Thurday (weigh-in eve) has been just as stressful today as they've always been. I think I've been holding my breath for the last 2 hours. I need to go to bed and get this over with tomorrow morning. Tomorrow's post, along with the weigh-in, will be about a couple of changes I'm planning on making this week in my quest for consistency. Let's pray I don't REALLY eff things up and gain 10 lbs next week, lol. 'Nite friends. :)

Quote For the Day:

"It is much easier to go down a hill than up, but the view is much better at the top." -Henry Ward Beecher

C25K...Maybe

Thanks for all of the comments from last night. You really know how to make a girl feel less crazy. Today was a little better where the bingeing feelings are concerned, but it totally sucked on the exercise front. I ate 1600 calories today. It's 100 over my limit, but after having 5 perfect days, I'm okay with going over a little. However, I didn't walk at the park today. This is the 2nd rest day this week, which means I'll be out hitting it hard tomorrow morning. Last chance workout before weigh day!

I forgot to post the pic of a new recipe yesterday. I made Chicken Pesto Pizza that I found in the Cooking Light magazine. I invited my mom, my sister Amy and my nephew Cyress over for lunch, and Mom brought a salad with her. The recipe called for red grapes, but that sounded gross to me for pizza, so I replaced them with black olives. It was very good, but if I wanted to be lax with my calories, I'd add more cheese. It only calls for 1/2 cup of 2% mozzarella, and that's just not enough for a pizza this big, so it was a little on the dry side. Here's the pics:

My family came over for lunch again today and I made another recipe from Pam's food blog, "Lobster and Fishsticks". It's called Spicy Creamy Zucchini Soup and my mom is in love with it. I made this for her last week, and she told me that I must make it at least once a week and have her over for lunch, lol. It really is an excellent recipe. I added chicken to mine. I just boiled it in the pot with the squash, removed it to puree the soup, then added it back in before serving. Here's the pic:

Dinner tonight was good old-fashioned chicken and dumplings. Ok, not really all that old-fashioned. My Aunt Shirley makes the BEST chicken and dumplings in the whole entire world, and she takes the time to make her own dough, roll it out 1/8" thick, cut it into thin little strips, and then cook them. I did not go to all this trouble, although one day I plan on it. I used reduced fat Bisquick, lol. The only problem was, I was scared to make too much dough, because I love this comfort food dish, and I thought I might eat too many dumplings. So I made very little, then I dropped only 1/2 a spoonful of dough in at a time, instead of a full spoonful. By the time I thickened the soup with some cornstarch and fat free half-n-half and stirred it a few times, the dumplings basically disintegrated, lol. (The chunks you see in the bowl are chicken...not dumplings). However, it was still very tasty...Shane LOVED it. He's taking some for lunch tomorrow. Here's the pic:

Only one more day before weigh-in. I hope I get a good number this week. My one focus this week was being stringent enough with the calories and working hard enough at the park to at least get off the 6 lbs I gained last week. And I do realize that most of that gain was due to the sodium I ate the night before I weighed in, so I feel pretty confident that I'll at least have those 6 lbs gone by Friday morning, since I think at least half of it was water weight.

I went and did my labs this morning. I'll know in a day or two how they turned out. I also downloaded the C25K thingie to my MP3 player. Now, I just have to work up the nerve to get started on it. I thought about it and I know exactly what has been holding me back from doing this. I've been proud of myself for improving my time with the jogging....but I feel sure that compared to this program, it's probably a drop in the bucket. I think I'm afraid that it will be too hard for me to accomplish....like maybe I'm still too fat and out of shape to start working towards a 5k...and if I am, I'm going to feel like I failed. I know I need to get started on it....just trying to work up the courage.

Gotta' run and load the dishwasher and finish up some laundry. Thanks again for all the support and encouragement you continuously give. You are all just a fantastic group of people and I'm thankful that you've become such an integral part of my travels along the road to freedom. :)

Quote For the Day:

"Just go out there and do what you've got to do." -Martina Navratilova

Ying Yang

Can we talk for just a few minutes about how crazy I am? I mean really. I've got to get it out.

I've mentioned before that I'm crazy...maybe after reading this post, you'll actually believe me. My brain is warped as are my emotions. I have unrealistic fears. I have a bingeing tendency every single day that I'm still fighting, but the crazy thing is, what everyone else calls bingeing, I call normal eating for me. It's really sick.

I read one of Lyn's posts a while back at Escape from Obesity that's an exact description of how I used to eat not very long ago. Only 4 short months ago. To read it all written out is absolutely horrifying. It's insane how much I used to eat and could hold...and to tell you the truth, can still hold. I haven't tried, but I know I could. I'd post the link for you just for some shock value, but I can't remember the title of the post and it would take me too long to dig through her archives to find it.

The jist of it is eating every 2-3 hours, full meals. Full fattening meals. Having a sandwich, fries and a drink for a "snack" til you can get home and make dinner a couple of hours later. And having these full meals about 5-6 times a day. More food than any human being should be able to hold. That was Lyn, and that was me. The other thing we have in common is that we never got sick from all that food. That's why I say it was my "normal". Now I have eaten to the point of sickness before, but not in my normal every day eating. On a normal day I was eating probably 4,000 calories a day...maybe 5,000. A day. Every day. And never feeling sick. Always full, and as terrible as this sounds, happy and satisfied. I use those words because that's how food makes me feel. Happy. Satisfied. Content.

Sure, there's regret later...but not immediately after the sin has been committed like it is for some people. Sometimes just the guilt of what they're about to eat stops them from eating it. I'm getting a little better at this now, but not so long ago guilt would have never stopped me from eating something. And there was no immediate regret or guilt soon after. The regret came when someone made fun of me...snickered and muttered a "fat girl" comment at me as they walked past...a kid in a store asking if I was pregnant (for the 150th time)....having to buy clothes in a "fat girl" store, and put those clothes on the counter for the cashier to ring up with a size 26/28 tag on them.....being told by a doctor that the only exercise I needed was putting my fork down and pushing myself away from the table....sitting down in a roller coaster seat and not being able to latch the bar locked, and having to get up and "walk the plank" in front of 30 other people sitting on the ride, waiting on me to waddle off so they could have their fun. That's when the regret set in.

Even though it was later, you would still think that all of those stinging, searing things would make me want to be better. Would make it easier to get this job done.....to change my habits forever. To find something I can live with and stick with it....and gladly...happy that I'm going to be healthier, stronger, thinner, prettier, more accepted by society, etc. But it doesn't. I don't know why it doesn't. And it makes me cry. Almost every day.

Sometimes I really wonder if there's something wrong with my brain that I should be diagnosed with other than depression. I have some really happy, great days...like yesterday...where everything is on track and I'm feeling good and I'm feeling positive and I can't wait to see what the scale says. Then the very next day, it is such a struggle. I'm still on track, I haven't veered, but it's unbelievable to me how much I want to. I've thought about bad foods all day long today. Even with all of my healthy stuff planned out...I still wanted crap. And lots of it. I don't mean a bite or two....I mean after all 1500 calories have been consumed, I sit here for hours and wish I had a 12" Italian sub, or a triple Whopper, or an 8 pc box of fried chicken.

It makes me hate myself, hate my brain, hate my emotions because of all the crying because I "can't" have these things. And it makes me sick that I even want them in the first place....especially after 4 months of changing my habits. It's not like I just started a week ago....I'm a few months into it now. Should I still be having such issues with the eating??? The way my emotions change from day to day make me wonder what's really wrong with my brain. Am I manic depressive? Am I bi-polar? Do I have a split personality? I don't know what all the symptoms are to these things, so I really don't know if I fit any of them. But I do know something's wrong.

Here's further proof that I'm a nut job. Sometimes I wonder if I even WANT to lose the weight. Do I want to spend so many days in a week for the REST OF MY LIFE feeling so restricted? If I'm always going to want to eat 4,000 calories a day, then is the day to day struggle with staying within 1500 worth it? Well every day isn't a struggle, but at least 3-4 out of 7 are. It's very stressful. On these nights I end up with a headache from having to concentrate on not mindlessly sticking something in my mouth after my calories have been consumed and from being so aggravated that I have these thoughts/desires in the first place. I read a ton of blogs....it's not this hard for everyone...it's just not. Why does it have to be this hard for me? Why am I so different? Why am I so friggin' warped?

By the way, after saying that, I DO want to lose the weight. I just wish it was a tad bit easier for me....for my brain. I really hate the struggle. It wears a girl out.

Here's another irrational fear....at least I know it's irrational...maybe there's hope for me yet! I'm scared of how I'm going to feel once I reach my goal. Diane from Fit to the Finish wrote a post yesterday about putting up a pic of yourself when you used to be thin to use as your inspiration. This post didn't have the correct affect on me...instead of feeling inspired, I felt sad. Sad because I don't have any thin pics to hang up of myself. I emailed her last night and we talked for a little while and I just thank God for her every day. She's such a fantastic woman...so caring, so understanding, so inspirational. She really "gets" where I'm coming from with these fears, and she's always willing to listen. Love you Diane.

The last time I was a "normal" weight was probably my early teens. I know for a fact I was a lard a$$ by the age of 14-15 because a couple of teenage guys that walked by me while I was laying out on the beach called me Shamu. So to me, I've always been fat. It's like it's all I know how to do. I only know how to act and function like a fat person. Making sure I buy shirts long enough to cover my stomach that hangs down so low.....always pulling and tugging at them....doing my best to always suggest a table in a restaurant instead of having to see whether or not I could fit in a booth....cracking jokes and making people laugh so maybe they'd notice my personality more than my weight...the list goes on and on.

But there's something that bothers me more about finally getting to a "normal" weight. It's how people are going to react to me, and especially people that I already know or have been acquainted with. Being fat causes you to be ignored, looked over, snickered at, and unloved. I feel like when those people treat me differently once I'm an acceptable size, it's going to have a bad affect on me. I mentioned this to Diane in an email last night. I feel like I'm going to start crying immediately and scream at them, "If you didnt' love me for me, or talk to me when I was overweight, then damn sure don't start now!!!" I know this is going to happen with one particular person that I truly love, and I can't tell you how much I'm already dreading it.

Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser has a list of things he's always dreamed of doing and he's working his way through that list now that he's lost enough weight to really enjoy those things. This has had me thinking, too. I don't have a list, and I don't even know how to start one. This goes back to always being fat. I guess I didn't dream about things that I knew I could never do? How sad is that? To not have a list, and can't even think of how to start one?

I really want to hope that there's nothing seriously wrong with me that I need a diagnosis for. But I just can't explain the continuous back and forth with my feelings on the weight loss. One day's fine, even great...the next day, such a tremendous struggle to stay on track. And these fears I have of being at a normal weight...how much more irrational, terrified and negative can you get?? I don't want to be this way, think this way or feel this way. But this is my reality right now. All I can hope for at the moment is that tomorrow is a better "thinking" day. Happier, more positive and motivated thoughts. I'm so close to weigh-in on Friday morning....2 days to go. I really don't want to screw it up now. I ate 1500 calories today (dreamed of 3,000) and I walked/jogged 4 miles at the park. I have a lab appt in the morning to have my blood drawn and see if my health has improved any since I've dropped some weight. I'll have the results in a day or two. Hope everyone is having a much easier time than me. And thanks to all of you who comment here....you know it means the world to me. 'Nite all.

Quote For the Day:

"The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in times of comfort and convenience, but where they stand in times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Porkin' Out

I bet when you read the title you thought, "Oh no! Tammy fell off the wagon AGAIN!!!" Ha ha ha...FOOLED YA'!!

I'm proud to say that I'm doing just fine, and feeling WAY better than yesterday. The reason for the title is because I made 2 pork dishes today...one for today's lunch, and one for tomorrow's dinner. And I have pics...although they're not that great. I'm not a good food picture taker. Sorry.

I found a new recipe in my Cooking Light magazine for Pork and Potato Hash. I've been craving pork for a while now...it's one of my MOST favorite meats. I am a total carnivore. So I was going to make it for dinner, decided I couldn't wait that long, and made it for lunch! Here's the pic:

I made the Butternut Squash Soup recipe that I found on Pam's food blog, Lobster and Fishsticks, listed on my bloglist. I've made several of her recipes now, and they never disappoint!! She's so talented in taking old, familiar comfort foods and "healthifying" them. I added a dash of cinammon to mine after I dished it up. Here's the pic:

After making my pork and potato hash today, I had part of a pork tenderloin left, so I threw it in the crockpot with a cup of diced potatoes and half a head of cabbage for tomorrow night's dinner. I went ahead and put some in a bowl to take a pic of it, and then threw it back in the pot and put in the fridge. Here's the pic:

I've got some good news to report on the exercise today. Last week I told you that I started trying to add some intermittent jogging into my walks. It normally takes me 1 hr 15 mins to walk 4 miles. When I started the jogging a week ago, I discovered that I can only do it for 10-20 seconds at a time and then have to fall back to walking. So I try to catch my breath and then do another jogging spurt as quick as I can. I end up with a bunch of short jogging spurts. The first time I tried the walking/jogging last week, my time was 1 hr 3 min, so I shaved 12 mins off my regular walking time and was very happy about that. Today, I did it in 55 minutes!!! That just thrills my heart. This, my friends, means I'm making progress with the jogging!! Woo Hoo!!

Who would have ever thought that Fat Tammy, who could barely walk a mile when she first started 4 months ago, is now starting to jog??!! I got news for ya'. Fat Tammy is standing at death's door. Her days are numbered. Girlfriend ain't lookin' too good.

Today was really stellar on the calorie front...until Shane came home. I could have beat him. He called me and asked what was for dinner, and I told him I saved some pork and potato hash for him...something I knew he would like. So a little while later he walks in the door with a triple Whopper from Burger King. Are you effing kidding me??? WTF??? He said he decided he'd take the hash for lunch tomorrow and was feeling like a Whopper. A TRIPLE WHOPPER.

I've mentioned in the past that my all-time fave fast food is Krystal's. What I don't think I've mentioned yet is that the Burger King Whopper is my 2nd favorite. I've never been a McNasty's kinda girl. I also mentioned just last week that I think I'm over the fast food thing. That's probably still true as far as me out driving around...I still don't have the desire to whip into those places like I used to. However, when the Triple Whopper is sitting right under my nose on the kitchen counter....not so much. I asked him if I could have a bite and he said yes. I had one bite. Heaven. lol I swear....it still tastes good to me and that just sucks. I told him I hated him with every fat cell in my body and he just laughed. Not so funny to me....but you know what...life is always going to be full of temptations.

That brings me to something that Sean wrote in one of his posts not too long ago. It was a real eye-opener for me. He said that he no longer calls any food a temptation....because to call it a temptation is to give it power. When you call everything a "choice" instead, you take away the power that the food has over you. Total epiphany for me. Just brilliant. I just wish Shane would keep his crappy "choices" out of the house! lol

So, total calories for the day are 1500 + one bite of a Whopper. I drank tons of water, just as I always do. And I walked/jogged 4 miles at the park. I wrapped my toes in band-aids before I left, and with my new shoes, I didn't have a lot of pain today. It was so refreshing. However, my joints were giving me hell just like they usually do, so again, I didn't make it to the 5 mile marker. I'm starting to think that goal was a little too lofty for this week.

One more thing before I sign off. I mentioned last week that Shane's girlfriend, Billie, has started her own weight loss blog. She took inspiration from me and started her own and I'm so proud of her. She's listed on my blogroll as "Let the Skinny ME Out!". I found out last night that her daughter Kandice has now started her own weight loss blog!! She's also on my blogroll and it's called "No More Chunky Dunking...". Seems like this healthy lifestyle change is really starting to catch on!!! I think that's just fantastic...I'm glad that these lovely ladies really want to change their health for the better. I hope you'll stop by and give them a high-five for getting started down the Road to Freedom. :)

Quote For the Day:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, til it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." -Harriett Beecher Stowe

Body Talk

One thing that I've heard over and over when reading other's blogs is "listen to your body". I'm scared to listen to mine. Also, I think there's a thin line between what your body might be saying, and what your mind is saying. I'm having a really frustrating day today, so it's time to post!

Friday and Saturday went really well. I ate 1500 calories both days, walked 5 miles on Friday, but only 4 miles on Saturday. I say "only" 4, because 5 was my goal. So let's talk about "listening to my body" in regards to exercise/walking.

I mentioned on Friday that when I got done walking the 5 miles, I took my shoes off to check my toes, discovered some busted blood blisters, and vowed to say to hell with the budget and buy some new tennis shoes. And I did!! Dwayne, being the sweetheart that he is, wouldn't let me pay the whole price though. I found a GREAT sale at Famous Footwear on Saturday, and got a pair of New Balance shoes for only $52!!

I was so excited....and when I got to the register to pay for them, Dwayne whipped $45 out of his wallet before I could even blink, instructing the cashier guy to put that towards it first. I can't believe he did that knowing he'll be getting laid off soon. He's just too good to me, and I'm thankful for his generous, caring heart. So I only had to pay $7 for my brand new shoes!!

Here's some pics of the old ones and the new ones:

We went to the park Saturday morning at 10am and watched the Dog Frisbee Championships for a couple of hours, then home to have lunch, then back out to do some shopping. We got back home, I wrapped my toes in band-aids and then headed to the park around 3pm to do my 5 miles. However, I couldn't make it the whole way. In listening to my body, I had to stop at 4. I just couldn't go any further, all due to my blistered toes. The shoes feel great, but the toes are already blistered and raw and were just hurting too much to reach the daily goal I set of 5 miles.

Also, I laid out my goals for this week that I would have one rest day from the exercise, and would probably make it on Monday. I was figuring 3 days on (Fri, Sat, Sun), a rest day on Monday, and 3 more days on (Tues, Wed, Thur) before my next weigh-in. However, trying to listen to my body, I made today my rest day. I'm trying to give my toes a break. I had to. It's like they're screaming at me, "So help me God Tammy, if you walk on us again we're just going to fall off and then you'll only have 8 toes instead of 10!!!"

But with all of my NORMAL aches and pains....lower back, hips, joints, knees...if I were to completely listen to my body, I'd never exercise again!!! It just hurts. Another thing.....I've always regarded pain with exercise as a way to know that what you're doing is working. We've all heard the phrases...."no pain, no gain"..."feel the burn!". So I feel like if I didn't walk every time something hurt, I'd never get any exercise done....ever. So "listening to my body" in this regard really doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. It's like I don't know when I should, and take it easy.....and when I shouldn't, and press on to get it done.

On to listening to the body in regards to food. Yeah, RIGHT!!!! lol

Even 4 months into this, I still want to eat all the time. All the time. I really do. Maybe it's because 20 year habits are hard to change. Maybe it takes more than 4 months to change a habit for me? I don't know. Some days 1500 calories feels like more than enough to me. I can be satisfied at 1300, and then another 200 before bed for the sole purpose of being consistent with my calorie intake. Sean told me early on to be consistent with them when I emailed him for some advice.

Other days, like TODAY, 1500 doesn't feel like nearly enough. I'm at 1553 calories for the day. I accidentally went over because I misjudged a bag of pretzels. When I figured it up later, I was over for the day. But the thing is, I feel like a bottomless pit. I don't feel full or even close to satisfied. My stomach is growling as I'm sitting here typing this post. And on days like this, it just aggravates me to death.

About the thin line between what the body's saying and what the mind is saying.....I've got plenty of healthy foods here that I can eat if I wanted to eat a couple hundred more calories. And it would probably satisfy me, although I'd be pissed that I totally blew my daily goal. But my mind is saying...."well hell Tammy, if you're going to blow the daily goal, make it worth it!! You know you don't want a cheesestick or a Kashi bar. Drive to town and get a sub, or some fried chicken tenders. At least your stomach will go to bed happy."

It's a struggle some days...it really is. I'm not going to eat anymore today. I've made fantastic progress so far with losing 39 lbs in 4 months and there's no turning back for me. The 6 lb. gain I had last week is just unbelievable to me. I'm really disappointed in myself for letting the calorie counting go for a few days. Tremendously disappointed. But I'm not going to give up over it. I'm going to press on. Just trying to figure stuff out along the way.

I guess if I keep telling my body "NO!" on the hungry days, like today, that maybe one day it will get easier. I keep hearing that it will if I just stay the course. Just kind of wondering how long it's going to take. Or maybe I'm one of those unfortunate people that will always have a tendency to want to overeat. Maybe it will still be a battle even when I get to maintenance. I don't know. What I do know is that even after 4 months of trying to do the right things, I still don't trust myself enough to completetly listen to my body...with the exercise OR the food. If I did, I'd never exercise again, and I'd be working my way back up to the 340 lbs. I used to weigh.

One thing I do know is that when I have a bad day....the next day is usually brighter. I'm going to finish up this post and white-knuckle the table until time for bed. There will be no more eating tonight, and I will be doing my walk at the park tomorrow morning. I'm also planning on trying one of my new recipes tomorrow....I'm going to try and make the Butternut Squash Soup off of Pam's food blog, "Lobster and Fishsticks". If I get it made, I'll post a pic of it. Hope everyone has had a lovely Fall weekend. 'Nite all. :)

Quote For the Day:

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." -John Quincy Adams