Good News:Bad News

The day started off great and ended up crappy.  I woke up starving this morning, probably since the last thing I ate yesterday was at 5pm.  I made a huge breakfast scramble with 4 egg whites, 4 oz baked chicken breast, 1/8 c. of 2% cheddar cheese, spinach, mushrooms, bell peppers & red onions.  The whole plate came to 270 cals and it was delicious.

After breakfast I got an email from Christian at Budget Life Insurance.  They wanted to tell me they loved my blog and that I was selected to be in their list of Top 25 Weight Loss Blogs!  Really????  MY BLOG????  Are you SERIOUS????  But I clicked on the link that he sent, and what do you know?  It's true.  I thought it was pretty cool to make ANYBODY'S Top 25 list for ANYTHING, so I felt very honored.  I share the list with several other bloggers that I know....some I follow and some I've seen around Blogland....a few I didn't recognize at all.  Pretty cool stuff....thanks Budget!

I was going to go to the gym today and simply walk on the treadmill.  I needed to give my muscles a rest.  We don't usually work out with Chris on Thursday's....only Tuesday's....but there's an exception this week because he'll be going home to California for vacation next week.  I've effed up my left elbow somehow...probably from trying to lift too much weight....and yesterday's workout was pretty hard on it.  Not knowing what to expect at tomorrow's workout (it's always a surprise!), I decided to just do a few miles on the treadmill. 

I got in my closet to put on some workout clothes and decided to try on the shirt I got free at the gym when I signed up.  I got it about a month ago and didn't even bother trying it on because it's an XL, and I knew I wore a 2X.  I tried it on today to see how far I had to go before I could fit into it.  Turns out....not far at all!!  It fits!!!!!!!!!!!!!  For the first time in at least 15 years, I am wearing a shirt that doesn't have a number in front of the X.  If you've never worn 3 & 4X's for as many years as I did, then you couldn't possibly understand the feeling of wearing just a plan ol' XL.  I've got to be the happiest girl in the world to ONLY be wearing an XL....who else gets THIS excited about wearing an EXTRA LARGE???  I do!!  That's who!!

 Given the fact that my number of pounds lost isn't all that much, I'm guessing it has to do with all the work I've been doing in the gym.  I think I joined the first gym last October...somewhere in there, and then switched over to Planet Fitness about a month or so ago.  So I've had steady, hard workouts for several months now and I guess I'm tightening up.  Now....I'm not going to turn into one of those happy a$$ people that says the scale numbers don't matter to me (yeah...right!).....but I will say that there's definitely something to toning up and losing inches.  Hooray for such a great NSV!!

After this is where the day, and my mood, went downhill pretty fast.  I was sitting in a parking lot talking to Pam on the phone, getting ready to head to the gym.  I rolled my window down and the dang thing came off track....WAY off track.....like, nearly-fell-out off track.  I got off the phone with Pam and since I had my camera with me, I took a picture of it just so I could show you what I'm talking about.  It looks like a triangle instead of a rectangle, because the front end just fell down in the hole, forward, when I tried to roll it down.
Instead of going to the gym, I called the garage that does all of my car repairs and asked if they could fix it.  He said he could, but he didn't know where he'd get the parts for a car that old.  I drive a '92 Honda Accord LX....so it's 18 years old and has over 200k miles on it.  It's pretty amazing that it's even still running.  He said he'd probably have to order them from the Honda dealership.  Yikes.

I just happened to be about a mile from a Honda dealership at the time, so I drove by there to get an idea of how much parts would be.  The guy came out and looked at my car and said things didn't look good....namely because the car is so old.  He said there's a good chance that it's not just one part that's messed up.....he said he would give me the worst case scenario, print it out, and I could take it with me to the garage to get it fixed once they decided what all it needed.  So.....if it needs all of the main parts...a motor, regulator, channel & 2 side sashes....the parts total just over $500.  Labor at the garage will probably be around $200.  So we're talking a possible $500-$700 car repair for a stupid WINDOW.....on a car that's probably only worth $1000 at best to start with (it does run really well....it's just super old).

This is just how fast my mood and attitude can turn from great and happy to very stressed, anxious, frantic and bingey-feeling.  Everyone knows I'm on unemployment, and while I have a tiny bit put back in savings for car repairs (I just had a $500 repair a month ago), I don't have the full amount to fix the window.  That would mean asking Dwayne to make up the difference...and I've never asked him for anything.  Enter in more stress from being unemployed for a year now and losing nearly all my financial independence.  I've paid my own bills for years....I'm very frugal, very responsible, very budget-minded and cannot remember the last time I had a late bill.  Even on my unemployment check.....I can pinch a penny 'til it squeals.  But when things like this happen that are beyond my control and more than I can afford.....well, it's just not good for me.

I texted Dwayne and briefly told him what was going on.  We were supposed to meet up for "date night" tonight.  He wanted to go to Barnes and Noble and grab a coffee together and peruse the aisles of glorious books.....we both have a thing for books...the smell, the feel, the knowledge within the pages just waiting to be absorbed....so it "would" have been a perfect, relaxing night together.  However, my mood was sour and I told him I wouldn't be meeting him tonight. 

He called me when he got off work at 6:30p to get the whole scoop.  I cried....I told him everything....I cried some more.  I was really feeling the financial pressure and the guilt of having to receive some kind of help from him.  At the same time, the thinking side of my brain just couldn't process spending up to $700 to fix a stupid window on a car that's maybe worth $1000 in the first place.  Turns out, he was thinking the same thing.  What I didn't know is that he has been casually looking around at used cars for me in case mine died.  He said it would be super cheap.....like maybe $2500....but he's seen some Honda Civics in that price range, which are known for their dependability & good gas mileage, on Craig's List.....and it will still be probably 8 years newer than the car I'm driving now.

I didn't even know he'd been looking.....that freaked me out and stressed me even more.  Dwayne does okay for a single guy....he works in IT....but he's definitely not made of money, and he's got his own bills to take care of.  I abhor the thought of him buying me any kind of car....even a cheap $2500 one.  The guilt associated with not being able to take care of myself financially was really starting to suffocate me.  He asked me what I thought about the idea.  I told him I appreciated the thought, but I hated the idea on a couple of different levels....he basically told me I'd have to get over it.  That he'd probably be finding something for me but I might have to deal with not being able to roll the window down for a couple of months while he saves up a little more money.  (I finally got the window up today, so if I don't try to roll it down again, it shouldn't fall out).

He wanted to come up and see me here at the house.  I first said okay, then 5 mins later I changed my mind again and said no....just don't come up tonight.  Basically because I didn't want to sit here and cry in front of him all night.  He's got a lot of high stress going on at his job right now with back-to-back software releases and talk about his boss being phased out and replaced, which in turn has him worried about his OWN job.  Qutie frankly, he's terrified of BOTH of us being unemployed at the same time and living on very little money.  He didn't need to be up here with me tonight watching me wallowing in my own self pity.  I told him I'd be fine...I just needed some time to think, and to go hang out with his buddies and have a relaxing night.  I'm pretty damn sure I heard a sigh of appreciation on his end of the phone. 

Shane called while I was on the phone with Dwayne, so I called him back.  As soon as he asked what was wrong, I was crying again.  I blurted everything out to him, and he told me not to worry about cooking, that we'd just go out to eat tonight.  Normally I refuse to go out to eat this close to a weigh-in, but I was in such a dangerous I-don't-give-a-sh*t mood, that I met him and Billie out at Moe's Southwest Grille for dinner.  I had a good bit of calories left for the day, and I ordered a chicken soft taco & a beef soft taco.  I think the calories are fine....but the sodium will be a disaster on the scale tomorrow morning.  That's not an issue.

The issue was going to be making it through the rest of the night without an all-out binge.  I had been crying on and off for hours on end....seeing no way out of my current financial situation because while I'm doing everything I can do on my end, I just can't MAKE someone call & offer me a job.  I had a splitting headache & my sinuses were clogged.  I am STILL on my cycle (too much info, I know, but it's been 8 full days now and I feel like bitching about it), upset about being a financial burden on Dwayne.....and all I wanted to do was eat.  Even after dinner.  I wanted to keep on eating....just to eat.  How many years have I used food as a comfort?  How many???  Enough to get me all the way up to 340 lbs. at one point and a prime candidate for a heart attack or stroke, and enough to give me Type 2 Diabetes, which is the 3rd leading cause of death behind heart attack and cancer, for those of you who don't know.

I really had to remind myself of this tonight.  I had to remind myself that the comfort from bingeing is TEMPORARY.  The guilt afterwards is immediate and does not wash off or go away.  It would be there to haunt me again on Friday morning when I weighed-in.  And when it comes right down to it....it wasn't going to solve a single thing in my life.  In fact, it was going to make me feel that much worse about myself.  And let me tell you something if you're not one who's prone to bingeing......although you KNOW all of this stuff....you KNOW it all to be true and factual....it is VERY HARD to bring yourself to CARE about it when you're in the moment.  EXTREMELY HARD.  It only takes 5-10 minutes to do a 3-4,000 calorie binge.

Those fleeting moments right before a binge are crucial....where you actually make yourself sit there in the car (in the parking lot after dinner, when everyone else had already left and you're all alone).....and tell yourself the facts over and over in hopes of saving yourself.  I told myself, "Tammy....you know what you're about to do....don't do it...please don't do it....you're worth more than this....you're becoming more and more important to yourself every day.  Don't damage yourself like this.  Think of how you'll feel tomorrow morning...think of how you'll feel Friday morning when you weigh-in.  Better yet....remember how AWESOME and PROUD you felt about yourself just this afternoon when you slipped on that XL shirt.  Remember?  Do you want to undo that feeling?  Do you want to go backwards AGAIN??  The food only masks the pain for a few short moments...it doesn't fix what's hurting you.  It can't be fixed right now, and it can never be fixed with food.  You know what you have to do.  You just have to go through it.  You just have to feel it.  Cry it out, then drive yourself back home and start flushing out that friggin' sodium you just ate."

And that's exactly what I did.  I cried almost all the way home.  But I didn't binge.  Thank God...I didn't binge.  So very close...but I made it through tonight.  I'm downing my 2nd 32 oz. glass of water right now.  I know what the scale said this morning....so I'll be drinking a ton of water over the next day and a half to get it back to that number by Friday.  I hope I can do it.  Sodium gains irritate me still....but they don't really UPSET me, because I know exactly how my body responds to it now and what kind of "fake" gain it produces.  It doesn't matter how healthy of a choice I make from a menu....it can be grilled fish w/ no butter and steamed veggies....and I'll still be up at least 6-7 lbs the very next morning.  That's just the way my body is....but I also know from experience that if I drink enough water, it will all drop off within a day or two and my weight will be back to what it previously was before the restaurant meal. 

My brain's a little fried right now....my head still hurts and my eyes are burning and puffy from so much crying.  I'm going to sign off now and drink a few gallons of water, lol.  I'll leave you with some pics.  The first one is my 270 calorie breakfast scramble this morning, the next one is me in the XL shirt, and the last one is my effed up car window.  'Nite friends.  :)

Quote For the Day:

"The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where they stand in times of challenge and controversy."  -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Striking The Iron

I read an interesting quote tonight:

"Don't wait to strike until the iron gets hot...start striking and make it hot." -Anonymous

This really struck me.  You know how sometimes you "know" the right thing to do, but you have to read it or see it or hear it or have it smack you between the eyes so you can be reminded of what the right thing is to do? 

I go back and forth.  I'll have a good day...one to be proud of...and then it'll be followed by an absolutely horrible day.  On the eating front, Friday and Saturday were decent.  Not stellar (1500 cals), but decent (under 2000).  By the way, "decent" means no bingeing.  I went to the park and walked/jogged 2 miles on Friday.  I went to the gym bright and early Saturday morning and got in a good, hard workout that I was extremely proud of.  Then came Sunday, and with it, the rain.  ALL DAY LONG.  Dark, grey, gloomy, rainy, cold, blah kind of a day.  It's amazing how my mindset and emotions mirror the weather so often.  I've always hated the rain, ever since I was little.  Just loathed it.  I don't think I realized exactly why I hated it when I was young, but now I do.  It's damn depressing, bleak, suffocating....sad. 

I cried a lot today.  I took a 3 hour nap, simply for a lack of anything else to do.  I simply could not make myself go to the gym.  Billie called and said she couldn't make it, and while that shouldn't matter, it was just too easy for me to stay indoors, staring out the windows at the gray blanket of a sky.  It was crying, just like I was.  Blah.  One of the reasons I was crying was because I knew it was going to be an eating day.  I fought it off as long as I could.  By 4pm, I had only eaten 600 calories.  For some reason, when I'm doing bad with the eating, it's moreso at night.  So I ate as few cals as I could stand through the day, preparing for the darkness to descend.  And it did.

I don't know how many calories I ate in total.  But I'm ashamed.  The guilt of the eating and not going to the gym was suffocating me, so I finally pried myself off the sofa and did my Jillian 20 min Shred video.  That made me feel a tiny bit better.  But I know it wasn't enough to win out over the calorie intake. 

Tomorrow I have to go to my sister's again.  Every Monday and Tuesday until I get a job or until her class ends, which I think is the end of February.  I know this makes me sound like a terrible person, but being around kids drives me crazy.  It stresses me out to no end.  It has to be because I don't have my own children, and I'm just not used to the noise and chaos that comes along with small children (a 3 yr old & 4 yr old).  I'm used to solitude.  While the quiet drives me nuts, too....dealing with the kids is too far towards the other end of the spectrum.  Too much noise.  Too much yelling.  Too much crying and whining.  Makes me pray for Xanax to fall out of the sky.  But since that's not going to happen....I end up with my head in the frig or the pantry. 

I actually tried to do better last week.  I took my own food with me for dinner on Monday, and for breakfast and lunch on Tuesday.  Well I forgot that last Monday was a holiday, so my brother-in-law was off all day and he loves to cook.  When I walked in the door, the first thing he said is, "You like steaks on the grill?!!"  I was standing in the livingroom and he was in the kitchen.  My shoulders slumped, I rolled my eyes, and with feeling like I'd already been beaten , I said, "Yes".  He said, "How 'bout roasted potatoes?"  "Yes."  He continued, "You like salad, too?"  "Yes...salad sounds great".  He had pre-made the salads with romaine, boiled eggs, crumbled bacon that he had fried on the stove, cheese, cranberries, croutons & blue cheese dressing.  Most fattening salad I've had in a long time.

The next morning, Tuesday, I awoke to my niece crying loud from her bedroom.  I ran in there and she was crying for her Mom.  Over and over and over.  I offered to hold her, rock her, watch cartoons with her, give her my fruit that I'd brought up for my breakfast (oranges, grapes, banana)....nothing was working.  She could not be consoled.  She cried for a solid hour, til 8:15am, when I finally got the idea to bribe her with breakfast out and buying her a new toy.  Suddenly the clouds parted, the sun was shining, and all was well....at least for my niece. 

My nephew, on the other hand, had a urinary tract infection.  Every time he tinkled in his pull-ups, he'd scream in pain.  My sister had a dr's appt for him that afternoon, but this was at 8:15am....long before the afternoon appt.  When we were driving to town to get their breakfast, he was screaming and shrieking like he was being stabbed with 100 knives.  I was shaking like a leaf.  I didn't know what in the world to do for him.  My sister told me to give him Sprite until she could get him to the doctor, and that would help a little.  We ended up at Chick-fil-A and NO, I didn't eat my fruit.  The fruit was long forgotten about.  I was shaking, fighting back my own tears, had been listening to crying, and then screaming, for nearly 2 hours, and the stress-eating began.  I had the kids until 2:30 or so and the rest of my day was just shot.  Bad lunch.  Bad dinner. 

This is why I'm dreading the next two days.  I know I WANT to do better.  I know that I told my sister tonight not to cook dinner for me tomorrow because I'm bringing my own food.  But it's the unknown that I'm afraid of.  You just never know what's going to happen until you get there.  I am very much back to "one day at a time" right now.  I hate it.  I hate how far back I've slidden.  I feel like I'm starting from square one again.  Like the first day I started my blog and was staring at 92 lbs to lose.  It feels that far away, and like each day is shaky.

All I know to do is to wake up each morning and try again.  I'm keeping it in the forefront of my mind.  I wish I had all the answers.  I wish I had all the strength, fortitude, determination that it takes to get the job done and never falter along the way.  I wish a lot of things.  But wishes don't count...only actions.  So tomorrow is a new day.  I'll be going to the gym in the morning, and leaving for my sister's house at 2:30pm.  Send a happy thought my way, and I'll post again on Tuesday night.  'Nite friends. :)

Teetering on the Tightrope

Extremely short post. Was going to post earlier....things have been really stressful the last couple of days which has led to a lot of negative thoughts. I was having an all-out bawling session. Then I talked to a dear friend on the phone, vomited it all out, and before you know it I was laughing my ass off. Thank you Friend...you know who you are. :)

I'll do a bigger post tomorrow night explaining everything...right now I'm headed to bed. I've got an early start tomorrow. 'Nite all.

The Night Before...

The night before weigh-in....always stressful for me. Ugh.

I asked my sister Amy for a couple of ideas for lunch this week and she gave me one for her favorite salad. Mixed spring greens & romaine topped with tuna, red onion and capers. She had Greek salad dressing on hers, and I had lite Italian on mine. Her son Cyress had lunch with us, too. He's adorable...such gorgeous blue eyes.

Why can't we all be that happy all the time? lol

Gonna' sign off and hold my breath until time to jump on the scale in the morning. 'Nite all. :)

Quote For the Day:

"Take care of your body with steadfast fidelity. The soul must see through these eyes alone, and if they are dim, the whole world is clouded." -Goethe

Stay Tuned...

When I got up this morning, I took a peek at the scale, and was planning on writing a pretty confident post tonight about tomorrow's weigh-in. Then I got back on it a couple of hours ago and I've gained 6 lbs over the course of the day. I swear, my body is so effed up. I've done everything right...not much sodium, under 1500 calories, walked/jogged 4 miles at the park this morning....just amazes me how that can happen. So....Thurday (weigh-in eve) has been just as stressful today as they've always been. I think I've been holding my breath for the last 2 hours. I need to go to bed and get this over with tomorrow morning. Tomorrow's post, along with the weigh-in, will be about a couple of changes I'm planning on making this week in my quest for consistency. Let's pray I don't REALLY eff things up and gain 10 lbs next week, lol. 'Nite friends. :)

Quote For the Day:

"It is much easier to go down a hill than up, but the view is much better at the top." -Henry Ward Beecher

No Worries

I said I wasn't going to worry about my weigh-in tomorrow morning and I've done pretty good with that. To tell you the truth, I've been so busy cleaning up and doing last minute packing that I haven't really had time to dwell on it. The good news is I've stayed below my calorie limit from Sunday through today and I've been on the treadmill. The bad news is, my stress level is through the roof wanting everything to go smooth with this move. I've never hired movers before because I've never been able to afford it. The only way I'm able to do it this time is because Dwayne's paying over half of it for me. If they break something, I'm just going to die, lol.

I've been working since sun up today and I'm so tired. I just got out of the shower and I think I'm going to curl up in bed with my baby Scarlette. I'm hoping to be able to post some pics of her soon so you can see who I'm always talking about. She's the light of my life. I'm ready for some snuggle time. 'Nite all. :)

Quote For The Day:

"The happiest life is that which constantly exercises and educates that which is best in us." -Hamerton

Holding My Breath

Weigh-in Eve. Oh the stress, lol. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I am praying for at least 2 lbs. tomorrow morning. I don't want to expect too much for sure....but man I feel like I earned at least a 2 lb. loss. I am totally dreading the week a plateau hits. Don't let this week be it! I guess it doesn't really matter which week it is...I'm doing the same work, so it doesn't make a difference when it finally sneaks up and bites me. Been wondering what I'll do when it happens....what does everyone else do? Do you keep the same calorie amount each day or do you reduce it? Do you increase your daily exercise? Pam told me a while back that she hit one a while back and it lasted several weeks. That scares the living crap out of me....I want to be in Destin by next April!!!! At least by next summer....please God??!! PLEASE??!!

I finally got around tonight to checking some blogs of my newest followers. Melanie gave me an award and I didn't even know it!!!! Thanks Melanie...how sweet of you to think of me...and greatly appreciated! I also received another award today...from Brittany at Me vs. The Buffet. She has a homemade blog award, complete with fat rolls and a piece of fried chicken in her hand...lol...and I am the PROUD recipient!! Awesome!!

Dwayne called today and said he's taking the day off tomorrow and spending the whole day with me. Then he said, "Aren't you excited honey?!" While he was busy being excited, I was busy wondering how in the heck he was going to wreck my eating, lol. I told him of course I was excited....he's been looking for a "new" used car for about 3 months now and he wants to do some more looking tomorrow. I'll be so happy when he finally gets settled on something and we don't spend an ENTIRE day away from home and eating at fast food restaurants. Stresses me to no end. My current plan is to eat a piece of my 176 calorie breakfast casserole in the morning....and then pray we're at home around lunch time so I can make us some 350 calorie turkey burgers. Then there's always the fun of trying to figure out a dinner that both of us will eat....one that he will enjoy and not turn his nose up at....and one that I can eat guilt-free and still stay within my calorie budget. Here's his idea of food: Meat, Bad Carbs, Sweets, Absolutely NO VEGETABLES. Did I mention I'm stressed? lol

Well I think I'm all caught up on my blog reading and commenting for the day. Time to catch up on a little more laundry and a game of fetch with my baby puppy dog, Scarlette. I wish I could put pictures up. I really suck at this blogging thing, lol. Maybe I'll see if Pam can help me with some soon. She knows how AddAGadget-challenged I am. :)

Quote For The Day:

"I demolish my bridges behind me...then there is no choice but to move forward." -Firdtjof Nansen

Weigh-in Eve

This is going to be a really short post. Dwayne just left and I am totally exhausted. I was up til after 4am this morning due to taking a 4 hour nap yesterday afternoon, and got up at 8:15am this morning. I didn't do the treadmill because the pulled muscle has still been too sore to be bouncing around. I did a little grocery shopping and I've spent the majority of the rest of the day in bed. I didn't even cook dinner. I'm not posting my nutrition stats tonight because I don't know what they are. I know I had 575 left before dinner, and then Dwayne brought me a Greek salad w/ grilled chicken on it from our local Italian restaurant, Mellow Mushroom. I tried to look up their nutrition guide online but I didn't see one on their website. I think I came in around goal though. Wish me luck on tomorrow's weigh in!

Quote For The Day:

"The toughest part of getting to the top of the ladder is getting through the crowd at the bottom." -Anonymous

Weigh-in Worries

I came in 201 calories UNDER my limit for the day! I'm sure this is mostly due to the stress of pre-weigh in day and not wanting to screw anything up. I did have a bit of control yanked away from me today though....I started my monthly cycle. I'm quite P.O.'d about it, but I guess there's no sense in cussing out Mother Nature....she doesn't listen too well. So whatever tomorrow's weigh in is, hopefully the next week will be even better. Tomorrow also starts my new calorie count of 1750 so we'll see how that affects next week's weigh in.

Goal Stats:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1349
Carbs 166
Fat 19
Protein 166

Here's my food intake for the day:

Breakfast casserole (this is gone now so I have no idea what I'm having tmrw)

Turkey burger (these are also gone)
1 Coke

Shrimp & Veggie casserole (shrimp, mushrm, onion, spinach, fat free cheese, egg whites)

Fresh salsa and 7 Baked Tostitos scoops
2 c. coffee
protein water
lots of regular water
3 Musketeers bar

I woke up late this morning and was stressing about my weight loss not being high enough tomorrow and never made it down to the treadmill. But I didn't want my day to be totally void of activity so I did a few exercises in the apartment. I did 50 stomach crunches, 10 lower ab leg lifts, 20 arm excercises, and I have a scissor-like exercise machine that my parents gave me. You can either push with your legs and extend your body, or adjust the machine and pull with your arms to lift all of your weight. I did 20 of each of these.

I know I put in a great effort this week with calorie counting so I hope I show a decent loss tomorrow morning despite nature's cruelty. I told Pam if I don't see at least 4lbs gone then I'm going to get a sackful of Krystal's. That's when she promptly told me she'd firmly plant her foot in my posterior. What are best friends for? :)

The Calm After The Storm

Get comfy.....this is gonna' be a long one.

I realize that the better part of my blog so far has been negative. I've thought about that, felt bad about it, figured I should change it to something more positive, and keep coming back around to the word "no". This blog is helping me worlds over because it's exactly what I want it to be most.....it's real. It's my day by day, sometimes hour by hour, real life struggle to beat my addiction to overeating. It would be nice if it was a "feel good" blog filled with inspirational quotes, healthy living tips, taste great-low cal recipes, etc. but that's not where I am yet. I'm in a daily struggle to beat the demons disguised as fat cells that have taken over and ruined my life. This is my blog, created to help me, and anyone who wants to follow me through the muck and the mire while I get to where I'm going is welcome and appreciated. If it helps someone in the process, then I'm happy about that. If it only serves the purpose to help me work through my addiction, then I couldn't be more thankful for it.

With that said, I've got some good news to report. I haven't eaten another morsel of food since the last blog I posted. Not one crumb. Considering how high my anxiety levels were earlier this afternoon, I can not be more PROUD of myself. I have stayed UNDER my calorie limit for the 2nd day in a row. Today is another win. :)

I've had a couple of private emails from friends who think I'm restricting my caloric intake too much due to the anxiety I'm expressing in my posts and my constant feeling of hunger. In case there are anymore of you out there who are thinking the same thing and are just too afraid to contact me about it, let me go ahead and address this issue once and for all for everyone to read. Here's my line of thinking. When I signed up at SparkPeople to record and follow my nutrition stats, I put in my current weight and my goal weight. They also asked for the date I wanted to lose it by. I set a goal of 10 lbs a month. Everyone knows the recommended amt. for healthy weight loss, and to keep it off, is 1-2 lbs/wk. My goal is 2.5/wk. That is hardly an outrageous number, but I purposely set it a little high above the recommended amt. in order to push myself a little harder. I have been lazy about taking care of my body for years. It's time for a little hard work.

When I put these goal weights and dates in, it spit out a # for me to follow. I feel like if I had entered an unreasonable date....say, I want to lose 92 lbs in 3 months.....they wouldn't have given me any numbers.....they would have given me a tutorial on what a healthy rate of weight loss is. Their website is awesome, chock full of information about getting and staying healthy, and I trust that they know what they're doing.

They gave me a range of 1200-1550 calories a day. They are telling me it's ok to eat only 1200 calories a day, and I'm choosing the max of 1550. The reason that I'm stressing each day to stay under this limit or as close to it as possible is because I'm already figuring I'll eventually screw up, and probably in a big way. So if I eat my limit for the day, totally lose my mind, and decide I need a turkey burger that's 350 calories, I'm still a ways under 2,000 & should be ok. However, give me an inch, and I'm liable to take 3 miles. If I up the limit to 1700-1800.....then I might eat 2100, or even more. Trust me people. I know me. I know my track record. There is a method to the madness, even if you don't see it, or don't agree with it. For those of you who have mentioned this to me, thank you. You're showing me that you care, that you're pulling for me, and I just love you to pieces. :)

Now for how I managed to not eat anything for the rest of the day. First off, I told myself I needed to calm down. I needed to slow down, stop freaking, breathe, think, chill. I had blogged and gotten it out of my system and it was time to relax and not screw this up royally. Rebecca from "screwdestiny" had commented on one of my previous blogs and left me a good quote. I can't remember the exact words but the jist of it is that people put more importance on what they want now, ahead of what they want most. It's been running through my head all afternoon. I've been concentrating on what I want most. I kept putting off eating anything, waiting to see how long I could go. I did some laundry, washed dishes and cleaned my kitchen, took a long bath, called a friend on the phone and chatted for a while....I thought about eating, but I just held it in the back of my mind and brought other things to the forefront. I also kept thinking about Lyn at EscapefromObesity. She says to just slow down and think about what you're doing, or about to do. That's what I did.

Shane called to say he had decided to go to the food trough otherwise known as Golden Corral. I could have killed him for that. It was seafood night. Have I mentioned that seafood is my favorite food in the world? Of course, it wouldn't have been great seafood at a place like that....but some shrimp are better than no shrimp. I thought about it. For about 10 seconds. Nope. Not gonna' do it. Out of the question.....time to play fetch with the dog! I did that. Time to watch a new show on TV you've never seen before! I did that, too.

I did lots of stuff, but what I didn't do is overeat. I did not exceed my limit. I made it through another day. Thank you God for giving me the strength to resist a binge and the perseverance to press on towards my goal. Here are my stats for today:

Goal:

Calories 1550

Today's Amt.:

Calories 1523

There's one more thing I've been thinking about all through the day. My parents have become faithful followers of my blog. I have been blessed with the most loving, supportive, encouraging, completely wonderful parents in the world. They just don't come any better and I thank God for them every single day. Dad emailed me a couple of times this morning, and on the last email he sent one sentence. He doesn't say a whole lot, so when he does, I try to pay attention. He said, "There's no truer statement than mind over matter". He's right. Making your mind up is the biggest part of the battle, no matter what you're dealing with. One of the things he's told me over and over all through life is that I can do anything I want to if I put my mind to it. I can be anything I want to be. Do you know what the awesome power is in that statement? He actually believes that about me. And sometimes.....that's all it takes. :)

Hey Dad....make sure you check the blog before lunchtime tomorrow so I can tell you how far I walked on the treadmill. I think I've finally got my focus. I'm gonna' beat this thing. :)