Talking Myself Down

Yesterday I had to talk myself down from the edge of the Bingeing cliff.  Nearly every week that I go to my sister's house to babysit,  my eating goes badly.  I know some of you might be thinking I should just quit the babysitting, and oh trust me, if I could, I would.  However, there's backstory there that I can't talk about and the bottom line is that I'm stuck with it for a while longer.  Yesterday was absolutely horrible....not quite the binge I was considering, but bad enough.  I made myself count up all the calories when it was over, I arrived at 2400, sat down and had myself a good cry.

Let's see.  My sister asked me to meet her early at a gas station so she could get to the lab by 4pm and study for a test.  I obliged her, and we met up at 3:45p.  She quickly handed me a Chic-fil-A gift card with about $15 on it, an envelope of free coupons for Chic-fil-A items that came in some calendar she bought from them, and swift instructions to take her kids there for dinner when we parted ways and let them play at the indoor playground.  Then she was gone in a flash.  That's just how quick my healthy eating plans dissolve.  Yes, this is my problem....not my sister's.  Yes, I need a stronger resolve.  Yes, I should be able to face temptation head on and stare it down with no damage done to my eating plan. 

Grace was crying and clinging to her mom, saying she didn't want her to leave.  Brandy was bribing her by saying she'll bring her a gift home, etc etc.  Same thing every week.  Grace cried all the way to the restaurant and by the time we got there my nerves were already half shot.  I should have been able to sit in that Chic-fil-A for over an hour and watch them munch on their chicken nuggets and fries, slurping down their milkshakes, and not been affected at all.  I should have been able to resist the smell of the fast food that I've been working so hard to avoid by staying AWAY from those places, but I didn't.  I failed, and I did it in a big way.

We were sitting at a table right against the glass that enclosed the indoor play area.  Elijah was leaned up against the glass looking in when he dropped his milkshake.  It went everywhere.  There weren't enough napkins in the world to clean up that mess.  I sheepishly told one of the workers what happened and asked if I could use their mop.  She insisted on cleaning it up herself, while another worker brought him another milkshake!  (I was thinking, what the hell are you doing crazy lady???  The last thing he needs is something else to splatter all over the glass, table, floor, his clothes and shoes, etc.!!)  I just smiled and told her how kind she was to replace it at no charge.  When they were done making their food messes and stressing me out, they played for a while. 

We got there at 4pm and left at 5:15pm.  Elijah wears a diaper or pull-up still, and he had a bout of diarreah while he was in there.  You could smell it a mile away.  This is when I realize Brandy didn't send any diapers for our venture out to dinner and playtime.  Lovely.  We got in the car so I could rush him home and clean him up.  I know how acidic that can be and I didn't want him to suffer with diaper rash.  The smell was overwhelming.  I rolled down the windows but it didn't help.  15 min drive home.  I did some dry heaving but managed to keep from actually puking up my food (although that probably would have saved me a ton of calories).  I rushed him upstairs and onto the diaper table and pulled open the diaper.  He's a squirmy little thing and refuses to be still for a diaper change.  Threatening his life doesn't seem to help. 

This is when I realize there's no diaper wipes.  Anywhere.  Diarreah...a squirming child...and no wipes.  By this time my stress level is through the roof.  I had the diaper open and Elijah's legs up in there air, trying to keep from having poop get all over him AND me.  He kept wiggling around and hollering, "LET ME SEE THE POOP!"  "I WANT TO SEE THE POOP!". 

Oh.
Dear.
Lord.

I tried to get Grace to bring me something to clean him up with while I held him in place but she was spinning around singing some song or something and totally ignoring the impending disaster.  I finally spotted a roll of paper towels and grabbed them, running back and forth from his butt to the sink to dampen the paper towels, without him jumping down and running off.  It was a poop fest to beat all. 

After I finally got him cleaned up and unleashed him, I went to the kitchen to find some plastic bags to wrap the diaper up in and put outside.  Guess what I saw sitting on the kitchen table?  A pan of homemade brownies.  Really?  Seriously?  God, do you hate me THAT much???  I ate 2 brownies.

Every time I get there the house is a wreck because the kids aren't made to pick up their toys....EVER.  They're just always there in the middle of the livingroom floor, strewn down the hallway, hanging out of their bedrooms, etc.  And every time, I set about picking them all up and tidying up the place.  I fixed the cover on the sofa and got it looking nice again, washed a few dishes that were in the sink, etc.  I'm a bit OCD and beings that I have no kids, I'm able to keep my house neat and tidy pretty easily.  It helps keep my stress level down and sitting in a tidy environment calms my nerves.

Well a few mins after I got the place picked up, Steven came home.   The kids had watched their Franklin video 2x and their Candyland video 2x.  But when Steven got home, Elijah started yelling for his trains.  He couldn't find them in the middle of the floor because I cleaned everything up and put them in toy boxes.  Well....good ol' Dad came along and dumped out 2 toy boxes in the middle of the livingroom floor.  Stress level back up.  I immediately went to the kitchen and got my dinner out of the frig that I had originally brought with me....ate every bite. 

A couple of hours later, around 9pm, Brandy came home from class.  The kids were playing in the livingroom floor, and Steven and I were attempting to watch the news.  We couldn't really hear it over the noise of the kids, but we could at least see the screen.  Elijah jumps up and asks his mom to watch Franklin.  I told him he'd already watched it 2x and Candyland 2x.  Brandy reaches over and pops Franklin in, muttering something like, "You don't care, do ya'?" but not really looking for an answer.  Then Brandy asked me to take the kids BACK to Chic-fil-A for lunch the next day.  I said ok,  got up, went back to the frig, and ate the ham sandwich that I had brought for my Tuesday lunch.  The tears were just below the surface, and they stayed there until everyone went to bed.  Then I let them flow freely.

This happens every week.  Maybe not as bad as this week, but for some reason, I haven't found another way to cope other than food when I go up there.  I didn't want to, but I MADE myself count up all the calories.  2400 of them.  The really bad part is, I was scared Tuesday was going to be the same....but worse.  Once I knew I was going to be faced with fast food again, I was very much throwing my hands up in my mind and saying "Eff it, I'll get the kids their Chic-fil-A and I'll go across the street to the Chinese restaurant and take care of that craving I've been fighting off for a month now!!"

I was really disappointed in myself for going so far over the 1800 cal limit that I set, and felt like Tuesday wasn't going to be any better.  Sort of like I was pre-doomed.  I cried a lot last night....and I prayed a lot last night.  I asked for strength and resolve to move past the bad eating day, and make Tuesday a much better one.  Inbetween the praying, I was having horrid binge thoughts filled with vats of Chinese food and buckets of fried chicken. 

I woke up feeling really shaky this morning, like the resolve was still waivering.  I really hate to piss my sister off, because it leads to all kinds of unsavory things when I do...hurtful stuff that I can't get into.  And I was scared if I didn't take the kids back to fast food hell, that she'd be mad.  But....I took the chance.  I had to do it for me.  I had to.  We stayed in the house today.  The kids asked for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and peanut butter crackers and that's what they got.  I had some cottage cheese for breakfast that I brought with me, but unfortunately had eaten my lunch the night before.  By the time Brandy got home at 2:30p, I was only at 330 cals for the day.  I was determined to not go over 1500, in an effort to reduce a little bit of damage from the high calorie day previous. 

Well I didn't quite hit 1500, but I came close.  I'm sitting at 1530 today and I had a good, hard workout at the gym tonight with the trainer.  Yesterday, before I went to Brandy's, I got myself in the gym for 40 mins of cardio.  So the exercise is still spot on this week, thank God.  I don't know how bad Saturday's cookout, and yesterday's stupidity is going to affect Friday's weigh-in.  I never know til I step on that scale. 

I thank God for helping me get through today without having 2 bad days in a row.  When I do something like that, it leads to a downward spiral and I would have given up until Friday and then started over, probably with a decent-sized gain.  It was really tough beating down the bingeing thoughts.  I spent most of the morning talking out loud to myself, praying, whatever I had to do stay indoors and keep control over the eating.  It's been a rough couple of days, but I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.  Staying on track can be a real struggle for some of us, but I know if I just stay the course as best I can, that it will all be worth it in the end.  'Nite friends.  :)

Quote For the Day:

"You don't drown by falling in the water.  You drown by staying there."  -Unknown

What's It Like?

I have done great this week with the calorie counting, staying under my limit, drinking tons of water, and getting on the treadmill every single day. But here's the cold, hard truth about it. It's been dang hard this week. It has been a total and complete struggle. I have wanted to eat as much as my big, fat body would possibly hold EVERY day this week. Why? I have no idea. No clue.

I feel like the mental changes are happening slowly. I've definitely made the decision to get the weight off once and for all. I've resisted all temptation and MADE myself do right this week. But it has been a downright, hour-to-hour struggle every single day....some days resulting in really high anxiety levels and stress headaches....all because of wanting to overeat. Insanity.

The reason I haven't overeaten, indulged a little over my limits, or binged is not because I'm awesome. I'm nowhere near awesome, lol. If I were, this would be a breeze. I think the reason I've stayed on track is for one simple, basic reason. I'm desperate. I am truly desperate to stop living as an obese person. Isn't 25 years long enough? I think so. I'm so desperate to know what it's like to live like and be treated like a "normal weight" person. I have dreams that it's incredibly fantastic. What is it like to NOT stand out in a crowd? What is it like to NOT break chairs? What is it like to NOT have to shop for clothes in "fat girl" stores?

What's it like to be considered for a promotion at work based on what you can do and not how much you weigh? What's it like to walk up to someone and know that they're looking in your eyes as you approach and not your jiggling stomach? What's it like to be judged by your thoughtfulness, your intellect, your sense of humor...instead of how many fat rolls you have? I really don't know, but boy do I want to. I want it so bad.

It's still a long ways away. I've still got about 70 lbs to go, and when I look at the whole total still waiting to be lost, it gets pretty daunting. Especially this week. What a struggle it has been! I have to really work at pulling my mind back to where it needs to be on weeks like this. The mental part is WAY harder than the physical part consuming the right number of calories and daily exercise. You all know that.

Someone left me a comment on the "Weight Loss Surgery" post that really struck me. She was talking about a tremendously obese man who had been asked why he wouldn't have the surgery. He said something to the affect that the body's not where the problem is....the problem is with the brain...and there's no lap band for the brain. Amen brother!! He is so, so right. The "trick" to making this a lifetime thing is getting the brain/mind right. That's where the hidden truths lie. I'm glad I'm learning that.

I've read several posts on other people's blog today who are having the same tough week I am. They're really struggling and I'm right there with them. I want to say to all of you that while some days we're reduced to fighting this battle one hour at a time, it is a battle worth fighting. And if we keep fighting, then one day we WILL win. I can't wait til each and every one of us can stand in front of our mirrors on the day we reach our goal weights. We get to say that WE did this....we fought, we bled, we cried, we scraped and clawed....and we WON. Each of us will claim our victory and, praise God, what a day that will be!!

We'll get there....we'll keep trudging through the trenches, pushing through, making the choices that we KNOW will get us to that day of complete freedom from all the misery that this excess weight has brought us. Is everyone geared up and ready for the next leg of this march towards victory? ONWARD!!

Quote For The Day:

"Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit." -Napoleon Hill

Some Days Just Suck

Today has completely sucked. There's no other way to say it. Let's start from the beginning.

I went out this morning to run a couple of errands, one of them being the gas station. Burger King is 2 doors down and I could smell breakfast. Smell is the worst sense for me when it comes to eating. I can look at food commercials on TV all day long and not be that bothered, but if I smell something good....I'm sooooo gonna' eat it. It took every ounce of fortitude I had not to go to Burger King. I was this close. I love their little BK Breakfast Shots with ham and egg. Love 'em. I knew I had one more piece of breakfast casserole at home I could eat, but after smelling BK, asparagus just wasn't going to cut it.

I sat in the parking lot of the gas station, after getting my gas, contemplating whether or not to take a right and go to Burger King. I argued with myself:

Do not screw up today.
But I want those yummy little ham and egg treats on those little steamy buns.
You're 2 days away from weigh day. Don't do it.
But I've been good for nearly 3 weeks now with no screw-ups. Don't I deserve a break?
You deserve to be good to yourself and get this weight off once and for all.
Am I never going to be able to eat restaurant food again???
Now is not the time. You need to be further along in your self-discipline.
I can smell them....I want them.
You always give in to what you want now. Be different this time. Work for what you want most.
Pleeeeaaaasssseeee???
Absolutely not.
Fine, dammit! I hate you.
You won't hate me when you're 90 lbs lighter. Now let's go to Publix instead and make a better choice.
Grrrrrrrrrrr.

So off to Publix I went. I headed straight for the deli and got 1/2 lb. of the Boar's Head 42% lower sodium deluxe ham. I went home and cooked 2 egg whites w/ a sprinkle of reduced fat sharp cheddar cheese and toasted some sourdough and had a sandwich. It was awesome. Another disaster avoided.

Shane and I headed out to look for rental houses. We spent 5 hours driving around and were having a super hard time finding anything in our price range. It was aggravating and discouraging. We both got hungry while we were out and again, my sense of smell was trying to sabotage me. Fried chicken. I smelled Church's fried chicken. I've loved their chicken since I was a little girl. It's so awesome. All of the sudden I yelled at Shane, "Quick! We've gotta' find a Subway!" Usually, you can find a Subway on every friggin' corner. but not today. Not when I need one, and fast. I purposely drove 7 miles out of my way to get to where I knew one was at. I got a Subway club and split it with Shane. Whole wheat bread, no cheese, lite mayo and all the veggies. My 6" was 320 calories. Another disaster avoided. Take that, Church's.

After having no luck house hunting, we finally headed home, tired and aggravated. When I got out of the car and headed upstairs, I had some sharp shooting pains under my right shoulder blade and realized I'd pulled a muscle the night before lifting some boxes I had packed my china cabinet dishes in. I guess being in the car for 5 hours aggravated it, and I was now in some serious pain. Thank God it wasn't a treadmill day. I couldn't even stand up straight to cook dinner. I had laid out some turkey burger before we left with the intentions of making a meatloaf for dinner. Not gonna' happen now. I threw the turkey burger in the frig and went to lay down. I woke up 4 hours later, starving. I wrapped some ham around a couple of cheesesticks, nuked them in the microwave, and scarfed them down.

I was hurting, I was groggy, and I was in no mood to fool with dinner. I was so ready to order a pizza. Because of my mood, I got in an argument with Dwayne over the phone, and that just made things worse. I knew I only had 500 calories left for the day and I fought with myself for about an hour over taking the easy way out and ordering dinner in, or making that damn meatloaf. I finally decided to do the right thing, and pulled the turkey burger out of the frig and opened it. Still frozen. My anxiety level rose another couple of levels. Fine. I'm 2 days away from weigh day, I only have 500 calories left, I'm not going to take the easy way out. I'll just fix an egg and cheese sandwich for dinner.

I talked myself out of whole eggs and made 2 egg whites. I talked myself out of using the sourdough bread (200 calories) and decided on the whole wheat sandwich thin (100 calories). I scooped the eggs out of the pan and was putting it on my bread when they slid right off the spatula and onto the floor. ??? AGAIN??? Dropping dinner on the floor TWICE in one week??? Are you EFFING KIDDING ME??? I was beyond just crying this time. I had a nuclear meltdown. I totally lost it. Unbelievable. This can't happen to anyone but me. I must be jinxed. I must be cursed. Someone hates me. Big Time. I called my mom and sobbed in her ear about my sh*tty day.

Thankfully, she jumped in her car and came to see me. She offered to bring me some vegetable soup that she had made, but I refused. I opted for the leftover chicken pasta from the night before. I had already measured it out so I knew it was 463 calories. When mom got here, I still wanted to eat. I was down, depressed, discouraged, aggravated, in pain, and ready to give up. She sat and talked to me, pointing out how well I've been doing, gave me suggestions on changing up my foods so I don't get bored, etc., and it was just what I needed. I had a couple of cups of coffee to fill up my stomach because I was feeling like a bottomless pit tonight. It probably wasn't real hunger....it was probably an emotional need I was trying to fill....and food is the wrong thing to do it with. I know that, but it doesn't always matter what I know. We had a nice visit, and things were better when she left. Somehow, I don't know how, I avoided a binge today. Thank you God. I was so close. And thank God for Mom, she is such a blessing to me.

Goal Stats:

Calories 1750
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1777
Carbs 223
Fat 37
Protein 150

I went over on my calories today, but you know what? I came very close to those calories being 4,000 today. I have to be thankful that I only missed my goal by 27 calories. I have to call that a win.

Here's my food intake for the day:

Ham and egg white sandwich on sourdough

6" Subway club (wheat, lite mayo, no cheese, all the veggies)
20 oz. Coke

Grilled chicken pasta salad (whole wheat penne, tomatoes, cukes, onions, lite Italian)

2 ham and cheese rolls (low sodium ham, red. fat mozzarella)
1 glass of tea, mixed 2/3 unsweet, 1/3 sweet)
3 glasses of water
2 c. coffee
1 pc. Russell Stover 60% cacoa sugar-free dark chocolate

Since I took a 4 HOUR NAP, I'm going to do some laundry and probably use Pam's banana blueberry bread recipe to make some muffins. I'm also going to make a little grocery list for tomorrow and try to change some things up this week. Pam's got a recipe for Cream of Zucchini soup that I've tried before and it is absolutely delicious. I might make that for some lunches next week. Will probably do some fruit smoothies and muffins for breakfast and snacks. Tomorrow is the day before weigh day so I hope things go smoothly. That's usually the day I'm most focused, so let's pray it's a good one. I'm looking for a 3.8 lb loss this week. I sure hope I get there.

Quote For The Day:

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." -Frederick Douglass