The Dreaded Weigh-in

Boy, this is a hard one to type. Maybe that's why I waited til 12 hours after the weigh-in to do it.

I weighed yesterday morning, just to see where I was before I ate TWO Thanksgiving meals. I was 229 lbs. This morning I was 232 lbs. I'm recording this as my official weigh-in because I ate like a moron this week and I deserve it. I gained 9.6 lbs. this week and I am soooo over the depression eating. I'm over it....I'm done. Time to get back in the game.

I'm still having a hard time with the break up. As a matter of fact, after I went to the gym this morning and put in a great 1 1/2 hr workout, I met up with my sister Brandy and cried about half the time we were together....which was a 5 hour time period. She wanted to talk about it. She wanted to know what happened, why didn't he want me anymore, why didn't he want to marry me, what went wrong.....don't you just love those questions when you're already feeling pretty damn worthless and unloveable???

This is the exact reason I've been trying to blockade myself in my house and stay away from people. I like to go through this kind of crap alone. I do not like answering people's questions about painful emotional bullsh*t like this. I appreciate support and concern...but I do not like to be drilled. The truth is, I don't have any answers. I don't know why I wasn't good enough or why our worlds never melded together the way I wanted them to. But we don't always get to know the answers, which can definitely be the hardest part. Asking me about it though is pouring salt in the wound. So today sucked.

Yesterday sucked too. The first half was good....my roommate Shane and his girlfriend (and my gym buddy) Billie decided to move their Thanksgiving dinner to my house and Shane's parents came along, as well as Billie's daughter Kandice. Billie had an amazing spread of food and it was all beautiful and delicious. I was really impressed, because she kept telling me she's not a great cook. She lied, lol. I appreciated the thought, too. They did it so I wouldn't be alone.

Well it ended up that I wasn't going to be alone....I was going to be at Dwayne's Mom's house. He asked me on more than one occasion since we broke up last week to please make the effort to come, even though he knew it would be difficult for both of us. His mom specifically asked him to invite me, to which I said no the first time. Then a couple of days later....she told him to ask me AGAIN....that she really wanted to see me and Scarlette. I caved the second time, because I really love her, and didn't want to disrespect her in any way.

I had a great time visiting Judy and her friend Nat. He's a cute little old Italian man and he's great fun to talk to. Towards the end of dinner, much to our surprise, he exclaimed, "Judy....I'm drunk!", to which I promptly spewed some stuffing out of my mouth with my uncontrollable laughter. Everyone was laughing.....he only had 1 glass of red wine we thought....then he told us that was his 2nd one, and he can't hold his liquor anymore, lol. Unfortunately, Dwayne and I only said maybe 5 words to each other during the entire 2 hour visit. I felt sad for him, because he was very clearly being excluded while I engaged Judy and Nat in lively conversation....but I knew if I put my focus on him, I'd end up in tears and ruin the holiday for everyone. It was just sad.

When Dwayne was walking me out, his mom called him back in the house to ask him a question. I knew it was about me. He came back out and said that she wanted to know if I'd come back over in December to get the gift that she was going to have for me and also a gift for Scarlette. I just stared at him as if to say, "Are you serious???". He begged me....said please, I know it's hard, but please just do it for Mom...she loves you and Scarlette so much...please come back one more time. I just rolled my eyes and said okay. I cried for most of the rest of the night.

I know that I will continue to see Dwayne on and off for a while so I need to get over the crying. He is Scarlette's Daddy and just as much in love with her as I am. He's cared for her in every way....bought her everything she's ever needed since the night he brought her home to me. I remember that night. It was Dec. 8th of last year. He found a breeder in Macon, which was about a 2-2 1/2 hour drive one way. He took the day off work and went and got her, getting lost along the way. He made the long drive back, calling his mom on the way, asking her to pick up a bag of dog food, some pee pads, and a leash and collar for her, so I'd have something for her the first night. He was planning on buying anything else she needed the next day.

Well when he got to his mom's house with the baby, she had a HUGE bag packed. She went out and bought the things he asked for, along with a brand new pink puppy bed, a baby blanket, treats, toys, a food and water bowl, flea spray, shampoo, conditioner, vinegar to clean up pee spots in case she had an accident (she was only 4 months old), and some medicine she got from the vet for her peekapoo, in case she had a seizure, because peekapoo's are prone to that at a young age.....oh, and a child gate to keep her pinned in the kitchen when I went to work, so she couldn't pee on the carpet.

Can you see why I love this woman? Dwayne, being so concerned over the new puppy and not wanting her to be left alone, took the next 3 days off work JUST to stay at my apt with her so she wouldn't be alone. He took her to the vet the next day and paid a $200 vet bill to get her caught up on all of her shots, and he's paid every vet bill since then, including the one where we got her spayed at 6 months old. She stole his heart immediately. So I just don't have it in me to keep her away from him. That's not something I'm going to do.

So....I'm going to do my best to get through the holiday season, and hopefully by January, I'll be feeling a little stronger and things will get a little easier. I have hope that they will.

My plan this week is to eat 1500 cals a day each day, and workout at the gym all 7 days. I'm sitting at 1500 cals right now for today and I'm done eating. I've finally got my focus back. Normally, I'd be keeping it at 1700 since it netted me a 3 lb loss a couple of weeks in a row.....but I've done so much damage this week, that I need to work a little harder to undo it. So we'll see what I can get off by next Friday's weigh-in...I'm praying at least 5 lbs....because I really don't think the 9.6 lbs I gained is all fat...some of it has to be water weight.

I hope everyone had a truly magnificent Thanksgiving with friends and family. I'm looking forward to getting back in the groove and back to Blogland where I belong. :)

Thrills, Chills & A Milestone Reached!

Some of you have been asking for some updated progress pics, but I wasn't planning on doing "official" ones until I've lost a total of 60 lbs. I think the effect is more dramatic when there's more lbs. lost between pics. I took my first ones at 30 lbs. gone. I want to do my next ones at 60 lbs. lost (I've only lost 42 so far), and then my final ones at 92 lbs. gone when I reach my goal weight of 180 lbs. However, I will be posting normal ol' crappy pics of myself along the way when I do special stuff.

I've got some pretty crappy ones to show you from last night, lol. Dwayne took me to Six Flags Saturday afternoon for Fright Fest and I had the time of my life! I've written before how when I was about 15 years old, I was too fat to ride on a roller coaster and I had to get off the ride and "walk the plank" while everyone waited for me to waddle off so they could ride the coaster. That was over 20 years ago and I haven't been to an amusement park since. Well tonight we went and I FIT ON ALL OF THE ROLLER COASTERS!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!! GO SKINNY TAMMY!!!!

I have a love/hate relationship with roller coasters. I love to ride them and experience the adrenaline rush, but at the same time, I hate them profusely due to my fear of heights and can't keep my eyes open while I'm on them. I flashed my eyes open 2-3x on each ride and then squeezed them shut tight again, screaming like a banshee the whole way!!! It was awesome. :)

One of the ones we rode I think was called The Acraphobia maybe? The name means "desperate fear of heights", or something like that. I cannot believe I got on that thing. I have a serious fear of heights. It's enough to send me into a panic attack if I let it. You hop up on this bicycle-type seat and then pull the shoulder bars down over you and latch the seatbelt. Your feet don't touch the ground. You're just kind of hanging there til they lift you up. It's a hydraulic system. As soon as the bars latched over me, I started feeling like I couldn't breathe. I told Dwayne I was going to hyperventilate. He held my hand and told me I'd be fine, that the ride only lasts about 10 seconds. And that's true. They raise you up about 200 feet or so, so you can see the Atlanta skyline off in the distance and probably a couple of other states! I couldn't look. I kept my eyes shut tight and just practiced on keeping my breathing slow. The guy controlling the ride sings a little creepy song into the microphone along the lines of "Pop Goes The Weasel"....except his limerick was worded "Drop Goes The People".

Dear.
God.

They hold you up there for a few seconds and in the middle of the song, while you're trying to concentrate on what he's singing, the bottom falls out. You free fall all the way to the bottom, where the hydraulics stop you. Dwayne was screaming bloody murder while I was quietly praying for a quick, painless death, lol. When we got to the bottom I started laughing and shaking, saying, "I can't believe it! I did it! I'm still alive!" I was more disturbed after I got off the ride than when I was actually on it. The more I thought about it, the more shaky I got, completely unnerved that I was that high up and just let them drop me. Insanity. I told Dwayne I would never ride that again, and he's determined to get me back on it. I see some vomiting in my future, lol.

We wanted to ride Superman, but the line was 1 1/2 hr wait....so we passed. We rode the Georgia Cyclone, the Georgia Scorcher, Goliath, Batman and a couple of others I can't remember. The pics aren't that great. Dwayne was taking them from his camera phone, not to mention we were bundled up in our hoodies and my hair was all wind-blown. I almost didn't post these pics...but then I changed my mind. If this blog is ANYTHING, it's REAL. Gotta' post the less flattering pics, no matter how much I don't like them. But they DO mark a milestone for me....being able to fit on and enjoy roller coaster riding for the first time in 20 years....that makes them important. :) These are just kind of sporadic pics...if I had of been the one taking them, we would have gotten a lot more. We were there from 4:30p-9:30p...5 hours. Some of the pics were taken after dark and they just didn't come out. But here's what I've got:

The eating completely sucked this weekend. Just too much. The only thing I'm proud of is that we didn't eat anything the entire 5 hours we were at Six Flags. No kettle corn, no funnel cakes, no greasy cheeseburgers, no footlong hotdogs, no cotton candy. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. We didn't care about the food...we were too excited about the rides. So we ran around in the 50 degree weather like a couple of kids, up and down hills all over the park, bouncing from one ride to another. It was just a fantastic time together. It was perfect. :)

On the exercise front....Billie and I went to the gym Friday morning and I walked 3 miles on the treadmill. We had lifted weights on Wed and Thur, so we didn't do it on Friday. The trainer told us to do it every other day, so we took a break from it. And as sore as we were, I don't think we could have done the weights even if we had to. Saturday I opted out of the gym because I knew Dwayne and I were going to be walking around Six Flags for several hours. Sunday (this morning), Billie and I planned to meet at the gym at 8:45am, and we did. But when we got there it was closed. That's when we read the sign on the door that said the gym was open from 10a-5p on Sundays. Doh!!

I didn't bring a jacket or hoodie with me because I was counting on being inside. It was pretty damn cold out and the wind was blowing, so I just wasn't able to go to the park and walk. So we missed out on the walking AND the weight machines today. I couldn't come back later and do it because my day was already packed. I had to go grocery shopping and get home and start cooking for Mom's retirement party/cookout at my sister Brandy's house this afternoon.

I made 2 pumpkin rolls w/ cream cheese filling for our dessert. The filling calls for 1 c powdered sugar, 8 oz of cream cheese, 4 tbsp of butter and 1 tsp of vanilla. In an attempt to make it a tiny bit less fattening, I used reduced fat cream cheese, and only 2 tbsp of butter instead of 4. But all in all, this still isn't a healthy dessert, lol. I also made a pot of green beans and I sauteed some baby portabella mushrooms, onions, & green, red, orange bell peppers together in a touch of olive oil. Then I made a big bowl of potato salad (Mom's recipe) and this is where I really screwed up. I haven't had any full fat regular mayo in my frig in almost 5 months. The only kind I have is Kraft Lite Mayo. Oops! I had to make the potato salad with the lowfat mayo and I just knew everyone was going to hate it. I held my breath while everyone was eating it and surprisingly, I got even more compliments on it than when I make it the regular way!!! After I was sure everyone loved it, I told them what I did. They were all shocked, but continued to say how good it was, so that turned out unexpectedly well.

I took a bunch of steaks up there that I've been buying on sale for the last month and putting in my freezer. I wanted Mom to have a special retirement party meal, but I also took up 6 chicken breasts, so that I could have something a little healthier. I don't know why I bothered, since I'd already eaten too much this wknd to salvage anything. But I passed on the steak and had chicken.

The cookout was at my sister Brandy's house up in Ellijay, which is in the Northeast Georgia mountains. Our leaves have just started to change this week, but they're not at their peak yet. I took some pics from her back deck:

Next are some pics of my nieces and nephews; Grace and Carla are both 4 years old. Elijah will be 3 years old next month, and Cyress turned 2 years old this past June:

Here's a pic of my sister Amy and her daughter Carla (I call her Ladybug):

Next is a pic of me and my niece Grace:

Here's a pic of Mom and Dad...the best parents in the entire world:

Next is a pic of my sister Brandy and her husband Steven. He grilled the steaks and chicken for us. I'm basing my goal weight of 180 lbs on Brandy. I'm 5'10...she is 6' and weighs 155 lbs. I prefer not to be that thin. I want to be a little more full-figured than her:



Here's a pic of my roommate Shane and his girlfriend Billie...the weight loss blogger at "Let The Skinny ME Out" that I joined the gym with:



Here's a pic of my mom and I, my sisters and I, and then just a pic of plain ol' me:







And last but not least, here's the pic of my pumpkin roll, and the plate of food I had to eat...a spoon of potato salad, a spoon of green beans, and a big helping of onions, peppers and mushrooms. The grilled chicken wasn't ready yet, so I took a pic of that afterwards:

I can tell I'm developing a cold. My nose is stopped up one minute, and running the next. These usually come on me pretty fast, so I will probably feel like total crap when I wake up in the morning. Bummer. Time to go drink some OJ!! Hope everyone had a fabulous weekend...I know I sure did! :)

Quote For the Day:

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Weekend in Cherokee

I'm back!! Dwayne, Scarlette and I had a lovely little weekend getaway in Cherokee, NC. I'll tell you right off the bat the eating sucked, lol. I had 500 calories left for dinner when he got here on Friday afternoon to pick us up. I suggested Subway because I knew I could get a 6" turkey sub for 320 calories and still have 180 left for any snacking at the hotel that night.

Well....he didn't want Subway. He flat out said "no". He said we were going to Zaxby's. If you don't have a Zaxby's where you live, it's a fast food-type restaurant that specializes in fried chicken. Great. I could feel my stress level as well as my blood pressure rising, and I made the decision right then and there to let it go. I decided to not stress about anything all weekend.

We also didn't get to do the hike I was planning. Nothing I planned on doing happened, lol. But because I decided not to freak out over everything like I normally do, I ended up having a pleasant weekend anyway with Dwayne and my puppy. We did a little souvenir shopping. Dwayne bought me 2 hoodie sweatshirts, a pink bag, and a cap to wear at the park when I'm out walking in the rain. The front of the cap says, "Women who behave rarely make history". I like it. :)

We went to the casino for about an hour and a half, but it gets so smoky in there that we can't handle it for very long. It starts to burn your eyes. Dwayne got $100 out of the ATM, gave us each $50 to play with, but I only spent $20 and he spent $33. Just enough to have a little bit of fun, and then we headed back to the hotel to hang out with Scarlette. We stayed in a hotel that was built in the 60's. It's called the Pink Motel, and it's practically the cheapest thing in town. The reason we like staying there is not for the fabulous decor, lol. There is a river that runs right behind it, so you can go out your back door, grill out, sit at the picnic tables, and just relax watching the river flow.

Unfortunately, it rained the ENTIRE time we were there. We stopped and took a few pictures on the way into Cherokee at the Nantahala Outdoor Center, but once we got to Cherokee it was raining, and didn't let up the entire time. So we didn't get to go hiking, and we didn't get to grill out chicken like we were planning this time. But it was still a nice, relaxing weekend. :)


Here are a few pics from the trip:

Pam gave me the following Quote For The Day:

"Why say the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon?" -Anonymous

Life In Photos

I've had a really, really, extremely crappy day that started around 7am this morning and hasn't let up. My eating has been bad since Friday's weigh-in...still learning how to adjust to eating good around Dwayne when he's eating like sh*t around me on Fridays and Saturdays. Sunday I was so upset about the weekend eating, that I continued it on Sunday...bright, huh? Yesterday, the Labor Day cookout, was the first excellent eating day I've had...came in at 1200 calories. But today started bad and went downhill from there...everything from dog sh*t tracked all over the floors in my house and an hour clean-up from digging it out of the crevices in the bottom of my tennis shoes & bleaching all of my floors in the house.... to 2 fights with 2 different loved ones....and then I topped the sh*tty day off with some sh*tty eating tonight. Friday's weigh-in is not looking good.

So, tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, and I'm looking forward to a piece of 166 calorie breakfast casserole that I made. I'll try to post a pic of it. Then I'm headed out for a 3 mile walk at the park, and if if the stars align right, another 3 mile walk tomorrow evening. Walking makes me feel better, and I need to feel better.

My roommate Shane taught me how to scan pictures from my printer to my laptop tonight, so I'm going to try to figure out how to get them on my blog now w/o having to bother Pam again. If they don't line up right, just bear with me. I'm a work in progress...in more ways than one. :)











Breakfast Casserole w/ ham, fresh mushrooms, a little summer squash & orange bell pepper, baby asparagus, 3/4 c. of fat free shredded cheddar, 1/2 c. fat free cottage cheese, and 10 egg whites.

Here are some pics of Dwayne, Scarlette and I. He gave her to me a couple of weeks before Christmas last year. She's Momma's precious baby girl and the best gift I've ever received. She is my sunshine every day. :) The first pic is of her hiding from us and peeking out around the loveseat. It was her first night home and she was a little shy. She was 4 months old and weighed 4 lbs.

The next pic is of me holding my baby for the first time...

And here's another....

Here's her Daddy holding her on the first night home.....

I'm going to end this post with a pic of Dwayne & I at Hilton Head Island in September of last year...2008. I weighed around 270-275 lbs.

Quote For the Day:

"Success is sweet, the sweeter if long delayed and attained through manifold struggles and defeats." -A. Bronson Alcott