The Blame Game

Sorry I didn't get to post last night. We've had some terrible storms and heavy rain for the last 2-3 days in my area. Schools are closed today, bridges are washed out, roads are closed, and we lost our cable and internet. It's finally back up this morning, so I'm going to do a quick post.

I'm off my game this week. Way off. I started this final weight loss effort 3 1/2 months ago and yesterday I had my first day of bingeing since I started. What was going on doesn't matter, and neither does how I was feeling. I made a bad choice. The scary part is, I'm not sure that the behavior is over and done with. It wasn't a "free day" or a general "bad eating" day. It involved some really bad, out of control feelings, and those feelings are still hanging around. Last night was the first time since I started this blog that I actually thought it was possible for me to go backwards.

Backwards. How scary is that? Terrifying, really. This needs to be the LAST time I lose the weight, and I need to accomplish all the mental changes that come with keeping the weight off. I need to develop a completely new eating lifestyle that will sustain my loss for the rest of my life. I've lost 35 lbs and have learned to enjoy healthier foods....even made some progress with the mental stuff....but have known all along that I still have a long way to go. Some days I think there will always be demons to fight, even long into maintenance. But I never had the thought that I might not make it.

Until yesterday. My mindset is still a little fragile this morning. I'm waivering, trying to steady myself and get a tight grip again. My mind and my heart want to keep fighting and get it right, but I swear I feel like I'm not even living in my own body right now. Last night was like I was standing outside of myself and staring at a 340 lb girl eat her way into oblivion. Her name is Fat Tammy and it was like she had never even heard of my blog....like she has no idea who Skinny Tammy is or what she's trying to do, and really doesn't care.

Fat Tammy blindsided me....like she hit me over the head with a ballbat. I don't know how she made her way back in, but she's here. And she doesn't want to leave. I want her gone....I want my focus back...AGAIN. I haven't done any walking/exercise in the last 3 days. Day 4 isn't looking too good either. I'm trying to get back in the game....I had a cup of cottage chz this morning for breakfast for 180 calories. I've got some soup in the frig that I made a couple of days ago that's only 87 calories a cup...that's my plan for lunch. Thawing some chicken breasts for dinner. Just trying to find the tools to do some radical surgery on my brain and get rid of Fat Tammy for good.

I'm not sure if I'll be posting every night this week....just wanted to pop in and let you all in on what's going on with me. Accountability, right? No matter what, I'll definitely post my weigh-in on Friday. We'll see where I stand.

One last thing. A new blogger left a comment on my last post suggesting I either stop blaming Dwayne for my bad eating with him, or extract him from my life for good. I don't plan on breaking up with him over food, but I do plan on not mentioning him on this blog anymore in regards to food. I checked out her blog and saw that she did a post about me. She was a tad bit worried that she might have offended me. I want her to know that she didn't offend me, but rather than write that on her post, I wanted to say it here, so that ALL of my readers know that they're welcome to leave whatever comments they want.

I moderate my comments, but the only purpose for that is to axe ones that might cuss me out or call me a bunch of nasty names. I know this happens on other blogs, and that's the reason. However, I will always publish all of the other comments, even if it seems like you're "being negative" as she put it, disagreeing with me, or what have you. After reading her comment, I realized that she may not be the only one that's tired of hearing me blame Dwayne for my eating choices around him. So until I learn how to deal with confrontation better with him, and learn how to deal with the fights and bad feelings hanging over my weekends that will no doubt ensue, then I'm just going to stop talking about it.

Hope all of you are having good, strong weeks and are making solid, healthy choices with your eating and exercise. If I don't talk to you sooner, then I'll be back by Friday morning. :)