I even tried to get down to the basics and use one of those tricks I heard talked about on Oprah one day where you stand in front of the mirror and simply say, "I love you Tammy". That didn't work out too well. I couldn't even form the words. Here's why. It was a lie....and if there's one person I cannot lie to in the entire world...it's myself. I know myself. I know my mind...my thoughts and feelings, etc. And to look right at myself and tell myself that I love me is a big, fat lie. I can't look at myself in the mirror and only see the good side of me. I see the bad side, too. Doing this naked is especially effective. I look like the Michelin Man...a big, white tire stack of fat rolls. How can I love that? How can I love ME for making myself look like that? And for so many years?
It's going on 30 years now that I've been fat. Why? What's wrong with me? Why did I think this was ok? Why haven't I stopped the behavior and turned it around? What's taking me so long to do the mental changes to lose the fat and keep it off...instead of always re-gaining? All of the teasing and taunting and ridicule I suffered through the years.....even as recent as a few months ago when an elderly man referred to me as "Miss Piggy" in the grocery store when speaking to his young granddaughters.......why hasn't that been enough to make me want to change things for the better? Why is permanent weight loss such an elusive thing for me? Why do I always revert back to old ways, no matter how much progress I make?
I was in bed last night lying on my side with my huge, flabby stomach sprawled out on the bed beside me. I was groping it with my hands...feeling the circumference....the mind-boggling size of it...and remembering back to last year when I had made it down to 222 lbs. I was remembering how good I felt. I'm 5'10 tall, and at 222 lbs., I remember entertaining the idea that if I could lose 23 more lbs and get to 199, I may just stop and make that my goal. I was feeling THAT good, physically and mentally. I was HAPPY. Now I'm all the way back up to 258 lbs., and I'm just disgusted. I feel like I'm staring at a brick wall. Like I'm stuck in a cycle that I can't get out of, even though I thought I had the tools to fix this.
Maybe self-love plays a bigger part in this than I thought...so it might do me some good to actually learn how to apply it, attain it, learn it, something......because as of right now...I don't have those skills...I don't posess that quality....however you want to say it. I need an app for that. Tips, anyone??