A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Blame Game

Sorry I didn't get to post last night. We've had some terrible storms and heavy rain for the last 2-3 days in my area. Schools are closed today, bridges are washed out, roads are closed, and we lost our cable and internet. It's finally back up this morning, so I'm going to do a quick post.

I'm off my game this week. Way off. I started this final weight loss effort 3 1/2 months ago and yesterday I had my first day of bingeing since I started. What was going on doesn't matter, and neither does how I was feeling. I made a bad choice. The scary part is, I'm not sure that the behavior is over and done with. It wasn't a "free day" or a general "bad eating" day. It involved some really bad, out of control feelings, and those feelings are still hanging around. Last night was the first time since I started this blog that I actually thought it was possible for me to go backwards.

Backwards. How scary is that? Terrifying, really. This needs to be the LAST time I lose the weight, and I need to accomplish all the mental changes that come with keeping the weight off. I need to develop a completely new eating lifestyle that will sustain my loss for the rest of my life. I've lost 35 lbs and have learned to enjoy healthier foods....even made some progress with the mental stuff....but have known all along that I still have a long way to go. Some days I think there will always be demons to fight, even long into maintenance. But I never had the thought that I might not make it.

Until yesterday. My mindset is still a little fragile this morning. I'm waivering, trying to steady myself and get a tight grip again. My mind and my heart want to keep fighting and get it right, but I swear I feel like I'm not even living in my own body right now. Last night was like I was standing outside of myself and staring at a 340 lb girl eat her way into oblivion. Her name is Fat Tammy and it was like she had never even heard of my blog....like she has no idea who Skinny Tammy is or what she's trying to do, and really doesn't care.

Fat Tammy blindsided me....like she hit me over the head with a ballbat. I don't know how she made her way back in, but she's here. And she doesn't want to leave. I want her gone....I want my focus back...AGAIN. I haven't done any walking/exercise in the last 3 days. Day 4 isn't looking too good either. I'm trying to get back in the game....I had a cup of cottage chz this morning for breakfast for 180 calories. I've got some soup in the frig that I made a couple of days ago that's only 87 calories a cup...that's my plan for lunch. Thawing some chicken breasts for dinner. Just trying to find the tools to do some radical surgery on my brain and get rid of Fat Tammy for good.

I'm not sure if I'll be posting every night this week....just wanted to pop in and let you all in on what's going on with me. Accountability, right? No matter what, I'll definitely post my weigh-in on Friday. We'll see where I stand.

One last thing. A new blogger left a comment on my last post suggesting I either stop blaming Dwayne for my bad eating with him, or extract him from my life for good. I don't plan on breaking up with him over food, but I do plan on not mentioning him on this blog anymore in regards to food. I checked out her blog and saw that she did a post about me. She was a tad bit worried that she might have offended me. I want her to know that she didn't offend me, but rather than write that on her post, I wanted to say it here, so that ALL of my readers know that they're welcome to leave whatever comments they want.

I moderate my comments, but the only purpose for that is to axe ones that might cuss me out or call me a bunch of nasty names. I know this happens on other blogs, and that's the reason. However, I will always publish all of the other comments, even if it seems like you're "being negative" as she put it, disagreeing with me, or what have you. After reading her comment, I realized that she may not be the only one that's tired of hearing me blame Dwayne for my eating choices around him. So until I learn how to deal with confrontation better with him, and learn how to deal with the fights and bad feelings hanging over my weekends that will no doubt ensue, then I'm just going to stop talking about it.

Hope all of you are having good, strong weeks and are making solid, healthy choices with your eating and exercise. If I don't talk to you sooner, then I'll be back by Friday morning. :)

18 comments:

  1. Hi Tammy ... don't you worry, you will get your game back on. You are doing fabulous. Sometimes we slide a little, or in my case a lot. You will get it back, don't you worry.

    I hope things are OK in your world. Post when you can. Take care

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  2. Oh Tammy, I am sorry it was such a rough day.

    I think those of us who have struggled our whole lives with weight will always have to fight our old ways from time to time, even after we reach our goals. The fights may be further apart, but I think they will always be there in part, and we'll just learn to fight them better.

    I think its great to get a wake up call every once in a while. Fear can be an excellent motivator when you let it.

    Skinny Tammy is stronger than Fat Tammy...you'll see!

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  3. Fat Tammy...allow me to introduce you to Fat Brittany. If you've seen today's blog, you'll know that I am having a bad time too.

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  4. Tell that bitch Fat Tammy to pack her bags (including her snacks) and hit the road. She's not welcome here anymore...

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  5. Hi Tammy. So so sorry to hear this. I know how much losing weight means to you. I'm assuming something tipped this bingeing off - it's never for no reason. When stuff happens we go back to our old comfort even though it's the least comforting thing in the world in reality. But bingeing is like stepping out of reality for a while.

    The only thing to do is to get back on track asap and that's just what you've done. And well done for being honest about it. You CAN stay strong.

    I think your decision about Dwayne is a good one. This blog is about you not him. And I think it's a part of you perhaps separating your addiction from him. I think psychologically and intellectually this is a good move. Too often a partner can be co-dependent whether deliberately or not. If you are able to step out of that co-dependency then that is really positive.

    Remember, you've had 3 1/2 good months so that is a massive change and this is just a blip. I think you're doing great.

    Email me any time.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

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  6. You sound like me in many ways. That is why I made the choice to get the band. This has to help because nothing else has. I hope to have the surgery in January. My DH is also getting banded so we will have a built in support team.

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  7. Even in your fear I sense strength. We're both having a rough spell, but things will get better. Sometimes, it's the rough days that make you stay focused on what you're doing and why you are doing it, instead of just being in a haze.

    And Dwayne is a lovely guy, or else you wouldn't be with him, right? Everyone has their little quirks -- none of us are perfect. My own Phil is a junk-food eater and turns his nose up at healthy food ... I know what a struggle it's like to be with someone like that. It's your choice to decide to cut Dwayne's food choices out of your blog, but in my opinion, don't be afraid to talk out what you're struggling with. We are here for you. :)

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  8. Don't you dare let Fat Tammy take control! I am wearing my "Team Slim Tammy" T-shirt!

    And, no, breaking up with anyone over food sounds a bit extreme, lol.

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  9. Glad to hear you are safe. I've been thinking about you and all this terrible rain...especially up your way! Hang in there girl. We ALL have our bad times and sounds like you are doing all you can by getting back on track. The sun is coming back out will help and fall is almost here. I know that will help me with my exercise and my mood!

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  10. Hey Tammy - Sorry you're having a rough patch. I'm not sure those impulses to binge eat will ever go away, but good for you fighting against them. I work on it everyday.

    I'm sure Dwayne has plenty of good qualities, or else why would you be with him, right?

    Keep at it!

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  11. I am a new reader so I am probably missing something, but I am sure many of us have issues with a spouse eating differently than we do. My husband is more than a little sick of my few choices for eating out, I don't take it as he wants me to fail or needs to go. Your husband didn't want Subway on his way to a getaway, seems normal to me. Since so many of us do deal with these issues I think it is good to talk about it, it helps us all. If you are sick of the subject then don't write about it. But if you are stopping because of your readers then don't stop, if someone does not like it they know where the exit is. Best of luck to you this week. I know how you feel, my inner fatty has taken up residence this whole summer. I will be checking in to see how you get rid of her!

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  12. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, Tammy. But this is when you just need to power through it, make yourself eat well and exercise even if you don't want to. Your mojo will eventually come back, but right now just remember to stay on track even if you're really not feeling it.

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  13. Sometimes a binge, or relapse into our old ways, can be a good thing in that it SCARES THE HECK out of you and reminds you of how hard you've worked to get where you are now. Hang in there, THINTAMMY - you are here for good!

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  14. Hey girl...so sorry to hear your having a hard time...I have those days too sometimes and it is sometimes really hard to get back on track...but you have come so far...and I know you can do this!:) You are an inspiration to me and many others...take care...:)

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  15. I think that if it helps you process your issues with eating and the eating that happens with Dwayne, you should write about it!! It's all about what's comfortable for you, but don't forget that this is your space to use in whatever way helps you most!

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  16. Sorry to hear you are having a crappy time... I know you can beat this though! Maybe if you forcefeed carrots and rice cakes to Fat Tammy she'll leave? Grin! Seriously though, you have been so dedicated and you just need to remember one thing to make it through this ordeal and every other one that may come your way in the future: you deserve to be successful. Hugs!

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  17. Are you sure the reasons that sent out on this binge aren't important? Maybe too personal to post, but I would say you need to really recognize what feelings/buttons/anger/stress/frustration/person got you going so you can recognize it coming at you next time.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. Write about what you need to and don't worry about others! Who cares if someone thinks you write about Dwayne too much. This is your blog,your time to heal and you're well on your way!!!!

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  18. I think you should continue to write about your struggles with eating right with Dwayne around because I'm sure many of us (me) have to deal with this same issue. My bf works construction and can put away allot of food without gaining and I have to remember I have a desk job and can't keep up with him and his eating if I expect to lose weight.

    Time to kick Fat Tammy to the curb and show her who's the boss.

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