A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Weekend Recap

Well....I said I was going to get back to 1500 cals/day this week, do or die.  I had it in my mind, that if there was going to be any discrepancy in that plan, it would be on Monday, when I go to my sister's house.  We all know I've had steak and pork ribs up there the last 2 weeks, so I figured if I got in 6 good days I'd be okay if Monday night's dinner went a little haywire. 

Well I've already had a bad eating day this weekend and it was Saturday.  Friday was great!  I came in at 1456 calories and very proud of myself.  I had Saturday all planned out, but you know how that goes.  I am placing blame on noone other than myself and I won't even bore you with the details on where everything went off course.  I'll just tell you that at 2:30pm Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in a Mexican restaurant.  It involved chips & salsa, 2 grilled chicken soft tacos with lettuce, 1 beef soft taco w/ lettuce (no cheese on any of them)......and sharing a pitcher of frozen margaritas with Dwayne.  Doh!  On to Sunday!

Thank God I got right back on track.  Today's calories came in at 1460 and I'm done eating for the night.  I met Tina from Fat Girl Dives In for lunch today at The Cheesecake Factory.  She and I both planned ahead on what we were going to eat.  This restaurant chooses not to post a nutrition guide on their website....and now I know why!!  The caloric values on their foods is through the roof.  I know this from digging around on google and finally finding a nutrition guide for them.

I found one appetizer that was over 3,000 cals.  An appetizer!!!!   They have one section of their menu called "Weight Management Salads".  It gives you 3 choices, all over 500 cals.  Tina managed to find a salad on the regular salad part of the menu that was just over 400 cals....seared tuna salad.  She got the lowest calorie dish on the menu!  Very good choice.

I, on the other hand, did not.  I was originally going to go with the Spicy Grilled Chicken Salad...I think it was like 550 cals or so w/ their lowfat vinaigrette.  But I didn't care for the ingredients on the salad....poblanos, corn, black beans.  Too tex-mex for me.  Dwayne suggested I get a sandwich, only eat 1/2 of it, and take the other 1/2 home for lunch the next day.  I asked Tina what she thought and she said that's what Sean would do.  Eat what he likes, but just control the portion size.  So that's what I did! 

I chose the Cuban sandwich, knowing ahead of time that it was 1135 cals for the whole thing, or 567 for 1/2 of it.  When I ordered, I asked them to box up the other half before they brought it out.  When it got to the table, the whole yummy thing was laying on the plate, along with a HUGE pile of fries.  I was so focused on how many cals were in the sandwich, that I forgot there would be fries on the plate, too!  I'm very proud to report that I did not eat one single fry.  Not one.  I ate 1/2 the sandwich, and brought the other 1/2 home for Shane to take to lunch tmrw.  I had water with lemon and lime to drink. 

I had a FANTASTIC time with Tina.  Great conversation.  She is so real, genuine, congenial, intelligent....she's going to be a great friend, I can tell.  I'm very glad we met up!  We live pretty far apart, but we promised to meet up again soon.  I can't wait!  She was gracious enough to pay for our lunch today with a gift card that she had.  We only went a little bit over, and she paid the difference.  Very sweet of her to do.  I had a fabulous time.  :)

After lunch, I met Billie at the gym for our workout.  Although this wasn't our official day with the trainer, he was there, so he told us to do a 10 min warm-up on the elliptical, then go through all the weight machines twice, doing 12 reps on each machine.  After that, he had us do 20 more mins on the elliptical.  We did it all, and it took 1 1/2 hours to complete, sweat just a'pouring!  I'll have to do my workout alone tomorrow morning, so I can head to my sister's in the afternoon.  But Billie and I have our next workout with the trainer on Tuesday at 6:30pm.  He's also going to give us the plan that he's written out for us on what to do when we're not working out with him. 

Dinner tonight was a salad at home with romaine, spinach, grilled chicken breast, fresh mushrooms, onions, bell peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes and 2 TBSP of raspberry vinaigrette that checks in at only 40 cals.  To tell you the truth, getting back on track is kinda' hard.  When I do the 1500 cals/day...I can't ever really say that I'm "full".  I break up the cals to where I'm eating about 5x/day....so there's never really a time where I'm eating enough food at once to have that nice, full feeling.  The sandwich I had today was good, and it was satisfying, but I could have eaten the other half with no problem.  The salad I had for dinner was delicious....but definitely not very filling.

But I would rather be feeling like this physically, than I would riddled with guilt from bingeing a few times a week.  I'm also keeping it in the forefront of my mind that weigh day (Fridays) comes around every single week.  It'll be here before I know it.  And I don't want to be scared to stand on the scale and have to report what it says.  I want to look forward to standing on it because I know I did things right....or mostly right (damn margaritas!).  :)

All in all it was a pretty good weekend.  I got 2 out of 3 days right, and that's more than I can say for the last couple of weeks.  Once again, I'm going to put my best effort into having a decent calorie day at my sister's tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll have something good to report on Tuesday night when I post again.  Talk to you all then.  :)

Friday, January 29, 2010

A Profound Lesson on Cookies

My niece Carla spent the night with me last night.  I promised to take her to lunch today and to buy her a new toy.  While I was in shower this morning, she was standing in the bathroom talking away.  She normally asks me about 5,000 questions during a visit, and I do my best to answer them to the best of my ability.

When I turned off the shower she asked if she could open the door and hand me my towel.  When she did, she looked at me, and this is the conversation that ensued:

Carla:  Why is your stomach so big and hang down so low?

Me:  Because

Carla:  Because why?

Me:  Just because

Carla:  But because why?

Me:  Because I eat too many cookies.

Carla:  Why do you eat too many cookies?

Me:  Because they taste too good

Carla:  Eating too many cookies made you fat?

Me:  Yes

Carla:  Do I eat too many cookies?

Me:  No, you must not eat too many cookies because you're still skinny

Carla:  If I eat too many cookies will I get fat like you?

Me:  Yes

Carla:  (long, thoughtful pause).....I'm NEVER eating too many cookies

Me:  Smart girl

Me:  (thinking to myself......now why can't I be that smart?  You look at someone and see they're too fat.  You ask them how they got that way.  And you vow to never do what they did.  Easy Peasy.  My 4 year old niece is smarter than I am.  Man, I could really use a cookie right now).  ;)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Tammy, 1 : Pizza, 0

I've been dreading all day long having to post my weight tomorrow morning.  I weighed this morning, so I know how bad it is.  I finally decided to just go ahead and do it and get the agony over with.

Last week, when I didn't post my weigh-in, I was up to 240 lbs.  Yes, I gained 10 lbs. in a week.  This morning, I was still 240 lbs.  So I didn't do anything right this week to drop any of it. 

I was sitting here thumbing through my memory, re-visiting all the bad choices I've made in the last couple of weeks.  I finally got disgusted and yelled at myself, "Good Lord Tammy!!  Have you done anything RIGHT in these last two weeks?  Have you done anything that wasn't completely STUPID???"  I really had to think hard to come up with something.

All of a sudden a Papa John's Pizza commercial came on, touting their Super Bowl special....any large pizza for $10!!!!  I immediately thought how good that sounded.  Then it hit me.  Hey!!!  I haven't had any pizza!!  And not just in the last 2 weeks.  I realized I haven't ordered or eaten any pizza in the last 8 MONTHS!!  Oh I've threatened to a couple of times.  But I haven't done it.  I haven't given in, not even once, to the evil pizza pie.

We have a local chain restaurant here in Georgia called Mellow Mushroom.  The pizza I've always ordered from them is a large with everything on it (including my fave topping - meatballs), and it's $28.  Papa John's best is $10....their's is $28.  Yes, it's that damn good.  I've had many a' day dream about that pizza in the last several months.  But I've resisted.  So....in my sea of bad choices, I did one thing right, or at least not completely wrong.  I haven't graced the threshold of their eatery with my rotund presence.  Oh, and I also hired a personal trainer.  :)

Speaking of the trainer, I was going to make something quick and easy for dinner tonight, before my niece gets here to spend the night with me.  Chicken burgers.  Then I remembered the trainer saying, "Never eat carbs for dinner".  Damn.  There went the bun for my burger.  So I dug around in the frig to see what kind of veggies I had, and decided to broil some in the oven real quick.  Dinner was a Chinese chicken burger...I spiced it up with some s&p, garlic, adobo, ginger & Chinese 5-spice powder.  And the veggies were some baby portabella mushrooms, button mushrooms, red onions & green bell pepper broiled in a little olive oil and flavored with some s&p, minced garlic & adobo.  Delish!! 

I'll be back tomorrow morning to post the official weigh-in, but at least the agony is over.  'Nite friends.  :)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What Have I Done???

Billie and I had our free one-hour session with the personal trainer at our new gym tonight.  Well.....that one hour turned into two hours and before it was all over, we signed up.  I can't believe it.  I've never hired a personal trainer before, mainly because I can't afford it.  So why did I do it tonight?  For one reason really.  I'm desperate.  I want to reach my goal, I've been struggling for quite a while, and I need to be pushed.  So I'm paying someone to push me.

The cost is $30 per session.  At one session per week, that's $120/month.  He's letting us split the cost, so my half is $60 a month, or $15/week.  That will buy me one session a week with the trainer, and an exact plan laid out for us on what's expected of us to do on our own the other 2 days in the week (we're supposed to do 3 workouts a week w/ strength and cardio....and I imagine we'll just do cardio on the other 2 days a week, so that we're working out 5 days/week still).

We're also required to write down everything we eat EVERY day.  My accountability level just rose 100%.  That's exactly what I need....kick my a$$ in the gym and monitor every bite of food that goes in my mouth.  Hmmm....maybe I'll actually lose the weight and get fit!!!  This could be worth $15 a week.

Many of you asked the logic behind doing the weights before the cardio, so I told him tonight that I have a weight loss blog, and I want to know the science behind his plan.  He explained that he wants us to do a 5 minute warm-up of cardio (we chose the elliptical).  Which, by the way, he told me tonight that I'm the most graceful person he's ever seen on an elliptical machine.  That embarassed me, but that's cool.  At least I don't look like I'm having seizures up there anymore.  That gets your heart rate up, and then you move to the free weights, and weight machines. 

He said doing these first burns through the crap in your body, and he listed off a bunch of stuff like glucose, sucrose, fructose, etc.  He said you do weights for 30 mins, and then you do 20 minutes of cardio, which is strictly fat burning.  I didn't argue with him....but I know that you can do it in whatever order you want.  Different people are all going to tell you different things.

The trainer at my last gym does cardio first, and then weights, and never told me the science behind his idea.  However, he did tell me to never eat before you do your cardio.  If you do, then you have to burn through that food first.  If you don't, then you go straight to burning through the stored fat.  But the trainer I met with tonight said that's stupid logic.  He said you have to have energy to fuel your workouts, so you should absolutely eat before you go to the gym.

The trainer tonight also said protein repairs muscles.....always have some after a workout.  And he said carbs provide energy.  Then he said what kind of energy do you need while you're sleeping?  None.  So never eat carbs for dinner.  I asked him what he had for dinner and he said a grilled chicken breast and asparagus.  Alrighty then, lol.  I challenged him and asked him if really NEVER has carbs for dinner.  He said of course he does....he even went so far to tell me that sometimes he has pizza and beer, saying that he's human...not a robot.  I'm going to like this trainer.  :)

Obviously, there are plenty of people who can't get to the gym til after they get off work, so does that mean they're not doing themselves any good because they've already eaten all day?  Of course not.  I think it all works, no matter what order you do it in.  Also, both of the trainers at both gyms are in prime shape...full of muscles, hard-bodied, without an ounce of fat on them.  Yet they do opposite routines.  That's proof to me that it all works.  Since I'm paying this current trainer, I'll do what he tells me to do.  Makes no difference to me....I just want this fat gone.

I also asked him to tell me my body fat percentage tonight.  I knew it would be hideous, but I felt like I really needed to know exactly where I'm at.  I was praying it wasn't 50%.  He tested it and said I'm at 37.6%.  As I said...hideous.  He said he's going to get me down to 24%.  I was surprised.  That sounded high to me, because Sean had his checked recently, and is at 16%.  He said that his personal trainer said a guy should be between 10-15%.  Now I'm curious as to what a woman's should be.  Does anyone know?  Is 24% too high? 

I'm not looking forward to this Friday's weigh-in, but I'll be looking forward to the next one.  Our first session is this Saturday.  They'll do all of our measurements, go through all of the machines with us again, go over our food sheets, give us a small workout, and lay out our plan for the other 2 days during the week when we won't have the trainer.  After the workout we had tonight, I feel pretty positive that I won't be able to move when I get out of bed in the morning.  But we're supposed to have one more day of sunshine this week, so I'm going to try and grab my sister Amy and go on a hike.  My niece is spending the night with me tomorrow night so I won't be able to get to the gym with Billie, so I want to make sure I get in some kind of exercise.  A hike in the sunshine sounds perfect.

The weather is supposed to turn bad Friday....they're calling for a little snow Fri night/Sat morning.  As long as there's not ice on the roads, then I'll be at the gym at 9am on Saturday for our session.  I'm kind of scared, lol....but I'm excited, too.  I think this is exactly what I need.  I did it.  I bit the bullet.  I hired a personal trainer.  God help me, lol.  :)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Sunshine In A Bottle?

My mom keeps telling me to take a natural med called 5HTP for my depressed moods.  I have a serious aversion to taking pills but I'm going to give it a shot.  I was wondering if anyone else has taken this and what your results were?

I've gotten 4 things in the mail in the last few days.  First of all, I won a giveaway from Amy H. at No To The Deuce.  She sent me a necklace with a pendant on it that says "Never Never Never Never Give Up".  I love it, but unfortunately, Amy closed down her blog right after she sent it to me so I haven't been able to thank her properly.  If you're still ready my blog Amy, thank you so much, and I miss you terribly.  Please come back.

Secondly, two of my dear blog friends have sent me gifts.  Dawne at 365 Days To A New Me knows that I'm a Christian like her, and knows that I've been struggling for the last couple of months.  She very graciously sent me a Bible study book called A Woman Of Moderation.  I got it yesterday, and I've already read half of it!  When I finish it, I'm going to go back to the beginning and actually do the Bible study laid out in it.  Thank you Dawne...I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and caring. :)

Next I got a gift from sweet Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing.  This one is a little embarassing to admit to, because I begged for it, lol.  I'm shameless, I know, but I couldn't help it.  She did a post and showed pics of these adorable pairs of colorful socks that she knitted.  Someone suggested she do a giveaway, and I said forget the giveaway and flat out begged for a pair.  In my defense, I DID offer to pay for them, whatever price she asked, but she sent me a pair w/o taking my money, because she's just good-hearted like that.  Thank you Leslie for your generosity.  :)  By the way, Leslie will be down here in Atlanta for a wedding in March, and we're going to meet for lunch!!  I'm very excited. :)

Speaking of meeting blog friends, I'm meeting my first one this coming Sunday!  Tina at Fat Girl Dives In lives here in Atlanta, and I can't believe it's taken us THIS LONG to meet up with each other.  We finally talked on the phone yesterday, and we're going to have lunch together this Sunday.  I'm really looking forward to it, and we both agreed to bring our cameras so we can take pics for our blogs.  It will be a great day! :)

The last of my gifts in the mail came today.  A publisher from New York City emailed me last week and asked if I'd do a book review on my blog.  I replied to him and explained that I wouldn't mind doing it as long as we were clear on one thing....it will be an HONEST review, whether that ends up being good or bad.  He said he wanted an honest review, so that's what he's going to get!  I got the book today.  It's called Fat To Skinny Fast and Easy.  Basically, the guy lost 100 lbs. and has kept it off for 5 years.

I'll go ahead and tell you that I was a little taken aback just from reading the cover...it says lose the weight WITH NO EXERCISE.  I was thinking, "Awww crap...what have I signed up for??"  You all know I'm a huge advocate of exercise...I know that it is essential for a healthy body and even moreso, the mind.  Exercises does wonders for our mental state, as well as keeping us healthy.  However, in all fairness, I'm also an advocate for not judging a book by it's cover.  So, I'm going to get started reading it, and when I finish, I'll let you know what I think.  If I think it's decent, the publisher has suggested I do a giveaway, and when we decide on what number of books to giveaway, he will be mailing them directly to the winners. :)

On to the weight loss news.  As you already know, I was at my sister's house babysitting Monday and got home late this afternoon.  Yes, I took my own food with me for dinner last night and for today.  Last night I had a salad that I put together with romaine, fresh spinach, bell peppers, red onions, cucumbers & 2 oz of Boar's Head 42% lower sodium ham.  The dressing was 2 Tbsp of Marie's Light Blue Cheese.  Here comes the bad part.  My brother-in-law made some pork ribs w/ his special homemade bbq sauce (insert eye roll).  I ate 2 of them after I ate my salad.  I know....I suck.

However....today was actually decent.  I came in at 1700 cals and after the last week and a half, I'm actually proud of that number.  I had planned on going to the gym yesterday morning before heading to my sister's, but that didn't happen for one very specific reason.  I did Jillian's Shred video Sunday night, and the only thing I can do the next day is hobble and waddle.  My legs felt like concrete blocks and there was no way I could get on the elliptical. 

I met Billie at the gym tonight though and we had a great workout.  We actually changed gyms this past weekend to one with longer hours and more machines.  So we have our free one-hour consult with the personal trainer tomorrow night.  He told us tonight that we need to be doing our weights first, and our elliptical/cardio after.  We've been doing it backwards this whole time.  Great.  Don't you just love it when you find out you've been doing something wrong for THREE FRIGGIN' MONTHS??? 

So....one good day under my belt.  Let's see if I can accomplish that again tomorrow. :)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Striking The Iron

I read an interesting quote tonight:

"Don't wait to strike until the iron gets hot...start striking and make it hot." -Anonymous

This really struck me.  You know how sometimes you "know" the right thing to do, but you have to read it or see it or hear it or have it smack you between the eyes so you can be reminded of what the right thing is to do? 

I go back and forth.  I'll have a good day...one to be proud of...and then it'll be followed by an absolutely horrible day.  On the eating front, Friday and Saturday were decent.  Not stellar (1500 cals), but decent (under 2000).  By the way, "decent" means no bingeing.  I went to the park and walked/jogged 2 miles on Friday.  I went to the gym bright and early Saturday morning and got in a good, hard workout that I was extremely proud of.  Then came Sunday, and with it, the rain.  ALL DAY LONG.  Dark, grey, gloomy, rainy, cold, blah kind of a day.  It's amazing how my mindset and emotions mirror the weather so often.  I've always hated the rain, ever since I was little.  Just loathed it.  I don't think I realized exactly why I hated it when I was young, but now I do.  It's damn depressing, bleak, suffocating....sad. 

I cried a lot today.  I took a 3 hour nap, simply for a lack of anything else to do.  I simply could not make myself go to the gym.  Billie called and said she couldn't make it, and while that shouldn't matter, it was just too easy for me to stay indoors, staring out the windows at the gray blanket of a sky.  It was crying, just like I was.  Blah.  One of the reasons I was crying was because I knew it was going to be an eating day.  I fought it off as long as I could.  By 4pm, I had only eaten 600 calories.  For some reason, when I'm doing bad with the eating, it's moreso at night.  So I ate as few cals as I could stand through the day, preparing for the darkness to descend.  And it did.

I don't know how many calories I ate in total.  But I'm ashamed.  The guilt of the eating and not going to the gym was suffocating me, so I finally pried myself off the sofa and did my Jillian 20 min Shred video.  That made me feel a tiny bit better.  But I know it wasn't enough to win out over the calorie intake. 

Tomorrow I have to go to my sister's again.  Every Monday and Tuesday until I get a job or until her class ends, which I think is the end of February.  I know this makes me sound like a terrible person, but being around kids drives me crazy.  It stresses me out to no end.  It has to be because I don't have my own children, and I'm just not used to the noise and chaos that comes along with small children (a 3 yr old & 4 yr old).  I'm used to solitude.  While the quiet drives me nuts, too....dealing with the kids is too far towards the other end of the spectrum.  Too much noise.  Too much yelling.  Too much crying and whining.  Makes me pray for Xanax to fall out of the sky.  But since that's not going to happen....I end up with my head in the frig or the pantry. 

I actually tried to do better last week.  I took my own food with me for dinner on Monday, and for breakfast and lunch on Tuesday.  Well I forgot that last Monday was a holiday, so my brother-in-law was off all day and he loves to cook.  When I walked in the door, the first thing he said is, "You like steaks on the grill?!!"  I was standing in the livingroom and he was in the kitchen.  My shoulders slumped, I rolled my eyes, and with feeling like I'd already been beaten , I said, "Yes".  He said, "How 'bout roasted potatoes?"  "Yes."  He continued, "You like salad, too?"  "Yes...salad sounds great".  He had pre-made the salads with romaine, boiled eggs, crumbled bacon that he had fried on the stove, cheese, cranberries, croutons & blue cheese dressing.  Most fattening salad I've had in a long time.

The next morning, Tuesday, I awoke to my niece crying loud from her bedroom.  I ran in there and she was crying for her Mom.  Over and over and over.  I offered to hold her, rock her, watch cartoons with her, give her my fruit that I'd brought up for my breakfast (oranges, grapes, banana)....nothing was working.  She could not be consoled.  She cried for a solid hour, til 8:15am, when I finally got the idea to bribe her with breakfast out and buying her a new toy.  Suddenly the clouds parted, the sun was shining, and all was well....at least for my niece. 

My nephew, on the other hand, had a urinary tract infection.  Every time he tinkled in his pull-ups, he'd scream in pain.  My sister had a dr's appt for him that afternoon, but this was at 8:15am....long before the afternoon appt.  When we were driving to town to get their breakfast, he was screaming and shrieking like he was being stabbed with 100 knives.  I was shaking like a leaf.  I didn't know what in the world to do for him.  My sister told me to give him Sprite until she could get him to the doctor, and that would help a little.  We ended up at Chick-fil-A and NO, I didn't eat my fruit.  The fruit was long forgotten about.  I was shaking, fighting back my own tears, had been listening to crying, and then screaming, for nearly 2 hours, and the stress-eating began.  I had the kids until 2:30 or so and the rest of my day was just shot.  Bad lunch.  Bad dinner. 

This is why I'm dreading the next two days.  I know I WANT to do better.  I know that I told my sister tonight not to cook dinner for me tomorrow because I'm bringing my own food.  But it's the unknown that I'm afraid of.  You just never know what's going to happen until you get there.  I am very much back to "one day at a time" right now.  I hate it.  I hate how far back I've slidden.  I feel like I'm starting from square one again.  Like the first day I started my blog and was staring at 92 lbs to lose.  It feels that far away, and like each day is shaky.

All I know to do is to wake up each morning and try again.  I'm keeping it in the forefront of my mind.  I wish I had all the answers.  I wish I had all the strength, fortitude, determination that it takes to get the job done and never falter along the way.  I wish a lot of things.  But wishes don't count...only actions.  So tomorrow is a new day.  I'll be going to the gym in the morning, and leaving for my sister's house at 2:30pm.  Send a happy thought my way, and I'll post again on Tuesday night.  'Nite friends. :)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Trench Warfare

Boy, I've got a lot to say today...lots to get off my mind.  I intended to start this post and just babble on until I got it all out of my system.  Then I realized I need to address a couple of more things first before I get down to the nitty gritty.

First of all, I just noticed when I signed on that I finally have 100 followers!!!!  I remember when I first started this blog last June.  My mom and dad signed up, and my best friend Pam, and Rebecca at Screwdestiny was my first follower that was someone I didn't already know as friend or family.  I blogged my heart out those first few days and wondered if I'd ever have more than 4 followers, lol.  I'm really amazed that I hit the 100 mark and even if not that many continuously read, I thank each of you for stopping by and finding it interesting enough at one point or another to sign on. 

Secondly, I've won 3 more awards!  The Sweet Tooth Obliteration Operation awarded me with the Beautiful Blogger award, already listed on my sidebar.  A huge thank you to her for finding my blog worthy of the honor.   Also, Dawne at 365 Days To a New Me and Eat To Live in 2010 both gave me the Happy Award...this is a new one for me!  Thanks to both of them.  The rules are to list 10 things that make me happy and then pass it along to 10 other people:

10 Things That Make Me Happy:

My salvation through Jesus Christ
My baby puppy dog Scarlette
Losing Weight
Becoming a gym rat
Watching my nieces & nephews learn and grow
Finding inspiration, friendship & comraderie in Blogland
Relationship with Dwayne (in most ways)
Helping others

10 people to pass this award onto:

:Deliciously Healthy
Escape From Obesity
Fat Girl vs. Skinny Girl
Getting Better and Better...
Just For The Hell-th Of It
Lots to Lose
my daily nosh
Sixty by Sixty

On to the weight loss stuff.  Man this is some hard stuff, ain't it???  lol

Wow.  So much going on in my head these last couple of days.  When I first started this blog, I really had no idea how it would evolve and end up including so much of what goes on in my life.  I really didn't know the trials and tribulations that would present themselves along the way.  Hardships, roadblocks, losses, gains, happy times, sad times...downright depressing times.  And every last bit of it is directly related to how my weight loss goes.  That's why I write about it. 

Oh there's a lot I don't write about it, as I'm sure is the case for all of us.  Let's face it....there's some stuff that may affect you in a huge way, but for one reason or another, you just can't put it out there.  Doesn't matter really.  I think as human beings, many of us go through a lot of the same stuff.  The details may differ from person to person, but speaking in generalities, there will always be emotional stuff, stressful stuff, time restraints, family issues, kids, jobs, significant others....or in a word, Life.

I've been overwhelmed these last couple of days with LIFE, and I've had to crawl deep inside my brain (scary place to be) to really get things simplified where the weight loss is concerned.  Well...I don't want to call it weight "loss"....sometimes it's weight "gain".  How about the weight battle....trench warfare seems like a fair term.  For me, it really is a battle in every way.  It's an all out war between me and the fat cells.  Against me and circumstances, emotions, stresses, my brain, my heart...

I think it all boils down to just a few things.  Attitude.  Importance Level.  Perseverance.  Maybe a couple of more, but those will do for now.

There really are so many things that are out of our control.  Things that just "pop up" at a moment's notice.  Things we get blind-sided with.  Roadblocks to navigate around, potholes to derail us, etc, etc.  Attitude has got to be the most important things I think in dealing with this and doing your absolute best to stay on track, no matter WHAT life throws at you.  This is a hard one for me.  I can be the happiest, most laid-back girl in the world....but I can also turn negative very quickly.  One minute the sun is shining, the birds are singing and life is grooving along nicely.  Then something comes up...happens...unexpectedly..."off plan"....and all of a sudden...*poof*....my focus is gone.  Just that quick.  My attitude has turned sour and before you know it I'm saying, "To hell with it all".  There's probably an actual clinical term for this....I just choose to call it "crazy".  lol   Seriously though, I really do believe that we each get to choose our attitude towards how we're going to react to Life...and I need a lot more practice at this.  It's number one on my "to-do" list.

Secondly, Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser KEEPS ON TALKING about the Importance Level of this journey.  I never tire of hearing it or reading it.  There are people out there, like me, with thick skulls, who need to be told over and over until it actually sinks in.  He talks about making your journey to lose weight as important as LIFE and DEATH.  For a while, it WAS that important to me.  When I started this blog, it was all about my health.  I was 36 years old and well on my way to an early death.  I was on 2 meds for diabetes, a med for high cholesterol, a med for high blood pressure, a med for low thyroid....also have PCOS, for which there is no cure...just another syndrome to add to the list.  Prime candidate for heart attack or stroke.  I knew it, and I wanted to change it.  And I did.  I lost 40 lbs and came off of all of my meds (except thyroid, which is for life).  It was a huge milestone for me and one that I certainly didn't think I'd reach that quickly...meaning in only losing 40 lbs.  I felt happy, accomplished, and mostly relieved. 

Somewhere along the way, without realizing it, I think I got comfy with that.  I think I subconsciously thought I was in the "okay" zone now with my health, and the importance of my travels started dwindling.  Sure, I still have more weight to lose, and I really do WANT to lose some more.  But I wasn't scared for my life anymore.  I didn't feel like I might drop dead next week.  The importance of it was no longer that important. 

After this point, some serious emotional crap started weighing on me.....and I am in no way skilled at separating emotional stuff from bad eating habits.  They go hand in hand for me and have for 20 years.  This is going to require learning new coping skills to replace the bad habit of overeating with a healthier habit that has nothing to do with my eating.  I'm constantly in search of learning these things.....talking to friends, discussing my problem, asking for ideas, reading blogs....I'll let you know when I get it figured out.

I want to get that Importance Level back.  I still have at least 60 lbs to lose...maybe more if I decide to drop my goal weight to a lower point again.  It's not because I think I'm going to have a heart attack next week anymore.  It's just because I'm not happy where I'm at.  I want to be healthier, fitter, able to move about freely without restriction or any pain, able to buy really cute and flattering clothes....heck, maybe even get FLIRTED with.  :)

Then there's perseverance.....consistent effort to get to my goal and not stopping until I reach it.  I've blogged before about you're not failing unless you actually quit.  Give up.  And I've said I'll never give up.  That's true...but at the same time, floundering around, stalling out, hovering at the same weight loss for 3 months isn't doing me any good either.  It's not progress....and I need to move forward.  I need to see losses again.  Good losses.....where you know that some real effort has been put forth. 

I met up with my gym partner and friend, Billie, tonight.  We talked for 2 solid hours about all this junk that's been swirling around in my brain.  I told her I really need to re-group.  I need to work on my attitude.  I need to make this Life and Death again.  I need to persevere and work at it until the goal is met in a decent amount of time.  I also told her that I'm not weighing in this week.  I started my cycle 2 days ago and showed a 5 lb gain today due to the bloating.  Yes, this happens every month.  Yes, I know it's only water weight.  Still....it's a gain on the scale and my psyche just can't handle another one right now.  So I'm not going to report it.  I'm not writing it down on my sidebar.  For the first time on this blog, I'm giving myself permission to skip a weigh-in this Friday.  Does it feel like cheating?  Yep.  Am I still going to do it?  Yep.

Planning and preparation is a huge part of the importance level for me.  If I'm going to get it right, every day, I have to plan ahead.  Flexibility is another one, because we all know what they say about best-laid plans.  So that's what I've been thinking about today and will continue to work on tomorrow.  Menu planning...variety....working around roadblocks like going to my sister's every Monday and Tuesday.

The mental part of these travels really is the toughest part.  It really is.  But nothing worth doing is ever easy....we all know that.  And getting to my goal is going to be soooo worth it.  I can only dream about what that sense of accomplishment will feel like.  And I do dream about it, all the time.  It's really not that far away.  I can be there in 6 months.  When it comes down to it, 60 lbs to lose is not that major.  It's a drop in the bucket compared to some people's journeys.  And it's certainly not something I can't handle.  It irritates me that I keep having to re-locate my blinders.  When I put them back on this time, I'm super-glueing them to my head.

If you're struggling, too, then do what you need to do to get back on track.  Now.  Take a day...look up some recipes, go grocery shopping, plan out your exercise time....re-group.  Do what you need to do to get yourself straight...but do it now.  Time waits on nobody.  Don't let yourself get 6 months down the road, and wish you would have gotten it right, now.  Our goals are too important.  We have to MAKE them important....above all else.  We have to fight for ourselves.  It's up to us.  If your armor fell off....strap it back on.  Get back in the battle.  I'll be down here in the trenches, too.  I won't wait on you....but I'll keep an eye out for you.  Get here as fast as you can.  'Nite friends.  :)  

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I've Been Shredded

I heard Pam mention the other day that she picked up Jillian's 30 Day Shred for only $9 at Walmart.  Sounded like a deal I couldn't pass up, so I went out and got it this weekend, too.  LOVE IT, in a painfully shredded sort of way.

It's got 3 different 20 minute workouts on it, and I haven't even looked at 2 and 3 yet.  Why bother when she's killing me with the first one.  I did it for the first time last night, and for the 2nd time tonight.  WOW.  I'm not very coordinated so the jumping jacks have me feeling retarded.  And I haven't worn my girdle yet while doing it, so the loud, mocking slapping noises of my humongous stomach is a bit unnerving.  But what the hell....I'm doing it at home alone where nobody can see or hear me, so I say let the fat fly!

I was completely shocked that after only a 20 minute workout, I'm sweating 10x more than when I do 2 miles on the elliptical.  Really shocked.  And my workouts at the gym, with the elliptical and all of the weight machines, take 1 1/2 hours.  I'm much more sore after this 20 minute workout than I am on a normal gym day.  It's really got me wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong at the gym.  I obviously need to raise the weight that I'm lifting on the machines or something, because this hurts way worse.  My muscles are twitching and quivering and this is the feeling I've been yearning for at the gym and haven't quite been able to achieve.  I'm obviously not working hard enough.  That will change.

I met Billie at the gym yesterday for our normal workout and then did the DVD last night for a little added "fun".  Today our schedules didn't match up, so instead of going to the gym by myself, I took Scarlette for a 2 mile walk at the park this morning.  Then did the DVD again tonight.  Not being able to get to the gym consistently with Billie is going to screw with the progress of shrinking the bat wings.  The trainer showed us 3 exercises to do (he said you need to do all 3 to get the results I'm looking for), and 2 out of the 3 require 2 people to do them, because they're presses and nosebreakers that have to be done with a barbell.  You're not allowed to use the barbells w/o a partner because, well, they don't want you to break your nose.

I've got some free weights here at home that I'll be doing some tricep exercises with, but the highest weight I've got is 10 lbs, and I lift so much more than that on the weight machines at the gym, that I just don't think they're going to be very effective.  For instance, there's one machine on the circuit that is "supposed" to help with the triceps, but I think it's more for the shoulders.  I'm pressing 90 lbs on that machine, so 10 lbs. in free weights just ain't gonna' cut it.  I'm probably going to check out Play It Again Sports and see if I can find a 20 lb-30 lb. weights for some bat wing work at home.

No restaurant eating Fri, Sat or today...yay!  Very proud of that.  And it's funny how hard it is NOT to do it after I was on a roll there for a week.  Shane and Billie go out every Friday and Saturday.  And Dwayne wants to take me out once a week just to get me out of the house because I spend most of my time alone.  So saying no to everyone was hard.  But I really had to pull the reigns back in.  The next time I do go to a restaurant, I'm going to make sure that I'm paying much more attention to what I'm ordering, too, instead of eating what everyone else is eating.  You just can't do that and lose weight...unless you're eating a mouse-sized portion. 

Have to head back up to my sister's in Ellijay tomorrow afternoon, stay the night, and will be back Tuesday afternoon.  I did this last week and the eating went to hell both days.  I have to do this babysitting thing every Monday and Tuesday for the whole month of January if I don't find a job.  She'll probably ask me to do it for all of February, too, because I think that's how long her classes last.  Plus, once you say yes once, that's it.  You're trapped.  This time, however, I will be more prepared.  I didn't take any food with me last time, and I should have.  Her house is full of crap food, junk food, kid stuff, Cokes, etc.  You know what kills me about this?  She's 6' tall and weighs 155 lbs.  She's a perfect weight for her heighth.  You'd be hard-pressed to find any fat hanging off of her.  But she's the Queen of Discipline.  She knows what to eat to stay within 5 lbs of her ideal weight, and that's what she does.  Period.  Makes me sick, lol. 

Anyhoo, that was my weekend, and what I'll be up to for the next couple of days.  I'll do another post on Tuesday night when I'm back at home.  Hope everyone is having a great weekend filled with some healthy eating and dilligent exercise! :)

Friday, January 15, 2010

No Surprises Here

I weighed 230.6 for a 3 lb gain this week.  I already explained about the happy-go-lucky restaurant eating with friends and family all week long, so no surprise.  Back on track though and feeling good.  Had a good eating day today and planning on 6 more good days before my next weigh-in.  I should at least be able to get these 3 lbs off by next weigh-in.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.  It's supposed to rain here all day tomorrow, so I'm thinking about going to see that movie "Book of Eli" that just came out today.  Who doesn't love Denzel Washington?  :)  Meeting Billie at the gym at 9am tomorrow for a great workout and some serious attention paid to these hideous arms of mine.  Plan on being back with another post by Sunday night.  :)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

First Hike of the Year

Let me start by saying a huge thank you to my sweet friend at 266.  She's given me ANOTHER award and it just kills me that she thinks I deserve this.  Bless her heart.  It's the Beautiful Blogger Award, and it couldn't have come from a more beautiful friend.  She's an excellent example when it comes to dedication and consistency to this journey.  She's emailed me privately during my darkest of times and offered me friendship and hope.  And she's awarded me on numerous occasions now, and I'm honored to call her my friend. 

The next step is to tell you 7 things you don't already know about me.  Good grief, haven't I told you guys everything yet???  No????  lol.  Ok.....let me see what I can come up with here....thinking....thinking...

(1)  I was standing in my bathroom curling my hair a couple of weeks ago....naked...and seriously injured myself.  I was fluffing my hair with my left hand, holding the curling iron with my right hand, and absent-mindedly laid it against my torso.  I got a serious burn and will probably forever have a nasty scar.  Great...just what I needed....another reason to hate my stomach.

(2)  My first dog's name was Puppy Dog Rabbit.  Yes, I named him that and I have no idea why.  We lived in Florida and he got bit by a rattlesnake and died.

(3)  As of last week, I was only 28 lbs away from Onederland.  As of tomorrow morning, I will be a little further away, but I'm still excited!

(4)  Up until just a few years ago, my favorite color was purple.  Then I changed it to pink.

(5)  I'm 37 years old and have no children and I prefer it that way.  I've found myself being thankful these last couple of months that I don't have any children to be subjected to my financial and emotional instability.

(6)  Up until this week, even though I've lost a good bit of weight from my highest point of 340 lbs, I haven't been able to picture myself at a normal weight.  When I realized the other day that Onederland is within my grasp, I suddenly started picturing myself thinner in my mind.  It's a thrilling thought.  It makes me want to get there as soon as I can. 

(7)  I'm going to get to meet a blogger friend soon!  Tina at Fat Girl Dives In lives here in Atlanta!  We've both mentioned that we'd like to get together...now it's just a matter of setting up the time and place.  When I get in a better financial situation, I'd like to set up some meetings with other blogger friends that live a little further away. 

I now have to pass this award on to seven other bloggers and I'm happy to do so:

Amy at No To The Deuce
Pam at Journey To The Healthier Side of Life
Lisa at One Mom's Weight Loss
Alix at Casa Hice
Tina at Fat Girl Dives In
Marcelle at South African From Cape Town...
MB at Why The Weight?

Enjoy it ladies...each of you are so deserving!

On to today's business....first of all, the restaurant eating has continued this week.  I've really been on a roll!  However, I have now told everyone that I will not be eating out at all this next week, so don't even ask me!!  Don't invite me...don't offer to pay for me...act like I'm invisible, lol.  I also went grocery shopping this afternoon and I'm now fully stocked on lean meats, veggies, fruit, whole wheat bread, yogurt, etc.  I'm all set and prepared for a fantastic week.  How stupid is it to lose the first 2 weeks after the Christmas holidays and then completely lose your mind and self-control and gain the 3rd week?  Yes...I realize how bad it is, and I will report the gain tomorrow when I officially weigh-in (although I looked tonight and I already know just how bad it is).

Here's the good news....I went on a hike this morning!!  I took Scarlette and my sister Amy and we hiked at Red Top Mountain.  At the bottom of the mountain is Lake Allatoona.  I took several pics and then the battery on the camera died.  I've got more camera issues than anyone else I know, lol.  Get this.  The trail was 5.7 miles long!!!  I hiked the whole thing!!!!  That's the longest I've ever hiked and I'm extremely proud of it.  We finished it in 3 hours, only stopping 2x for a couple of minutes each time to give Scarlette some water.  I am so incredibly sore...my butt, hamstrings, quads and feet are just toast right now.  I have no idea if I'll be able to make it to the gym in the morning or not.  Hopefully after a good night's rest I'll be feeling a little more flexible and can tackle that elliptical again.  By the way, Billie and I made it to the gym 4x this week, plus I did the hike today, so I got in 5 days of exercise.  Not enough to combat the restaurant eating, but I'm still proud I did it.  Here are the pics from our chilly morning hike:


Back tomorrow with the weigh-in.  'Nite friends!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Bat Wing Pics..Yikes

Ok, I re-took the pics on Shane's camera tonight so I could post them here.  I also had Billie measure them tonight when we got to the gym.  These babies are 17" around the middle of the droopiest point.  They look like Popeye's arms before he's eaten his spinach.  I know guys with smaller necks.  Geez.  We'll call this the first progress pic...because I do plan on making progress in shrinking them. 

I kept my face out of the frontal view because I had just gotten home from the gym and showered, and didn't have any make-up on.  I figured the arms would be scary enough without any added offense.  :) 

Bat Wings Revealed

I wrote this post last night, then spent 2 hours trying to figure out how to transfer the pics from my camera to the computer.  Shane said my cord must be bad and I need to go buy a card reader.  I'm either going to do that, or take more pics of my arms tonight with his camera, and transfer them that way.  Either way, I should have the pics posted on tonight's post.  :)


Oh there's been some stupid eating going on this week.  However, unbelievably, it hasn't been out of depression.  I've actually been ENJOYING myself.  Weird, right?  I know. 

Let's start at the beginning, which was last Friday.  Dwayne is coming back around.  I had told him the week prior that I really couldn't hang out with him much anymore because it was making it too hard on me.  (I still love him and still can't imagine being without him forever).  Well telling him I couldn't see him must of sent him into some kind of overdrive or something.  He knew I had a vet appt for Scarlette last Saturday, and he knew I couldn't really afford to pay for it.  So he asked if he could come up Friday night and give me the money for it.  Knowing how dire my financial situation is, I agreed.

Well, he came up alright.  And he brought seafood (my FAVORITE) from Red Lobster with him.  Then he picked up my electric bill off the counter and saw it was $260.  He knows Shane and I only have $200/mo budgeted for our electric bill.  So he whipped out his wallet and handed me the other $60 to pay the bill.  Then he gave me another $60 and told me that was for me....he didn't want me going around flat broke all the time.  He told me to spend it on whatever I wanted or needed this week.  Then he said he was taking me to Wal-mart to buy me some sort of jacket because I don't own one and he can't stand the thoughts of me freezing every day (it's been 17 degrees here every day for like a week...unusual for Georgia).  I haven't owned a jacket in YEARS because I couldn't stand the thought of looking like a linebacker in one.  But Friday night, he wasn't accepting any excuses.  He's tried to buy me one every year for 5 years now, and this time he wasn't taking no for an answer.

On the way to Walmart, he took us by Starbucks for a cafe mocha.  Then we tried on jackets and I was cringeing.  I try not to ever buy clothes in front of him.  He knows my size, unfortunately, but I still don't like it.  He knows I was a 3x (26/28) when I first started trying to lose my weight in June.  He knows I got down to a 2x (18/20), because he gave me $100 to buy a few clothes to celebrate it.  But we couldn't find a 2x in the jackets.  I was panicking.  He pulled a 1x off the rack and handed it to me.  Oh I so did not want to try that on in front of him and it not fit.  Imminent death was among us, lol.  I just knew that I would drop dead right there from embarassment.

But I tried it on anyway....and it fit!!!  Holy crap it fit!!!  I mean it actually zipped up and everything.  Sure, it's a little snug...but it zips without any problem.  I started jumping up and down and giggling uncontrollably.  He asked me if I liked the color, and I screamed out, "Who gives a damn about the color???  IT FITS!!!!"  He was laughing while I twirled around in circles in my new jacket.  It only cost $50...not bad for a jacket, but hey, it's Walmart, the emporium of cheapness.  He told me I could get a bigger size if I wanted.  I shot my head around and asked why.  He said just for a little wiggle room.  I glared at him and told him I did not NEED or WANT wiggle room.  That I am consistently losing weight, and will never again buy LARGER clothes.  I will buy what FITS, even if it's a little snug.  He said, "Geesh, okay okay, you're doing great baby, enjoy your jacket!".

I wore it out of the store and then he said, "Let's go see a movie!"  So we rushed over to the theater for the 9pm show.  We saw the movie Avatar, which is right up our alley.  He got me hooked on fantasy/sci-fi crap long ago.  After that we ran by Kroger and he bought some groceries for me, then we got home around midnight. 

The next day was Scarlette's appt.  We took both cars, so he could go his own way after the vet.  On the way there, we stopped at Petsmart and he bought the baby a new collar and 2 big things of pee pads.  Then he paid the $125 vet bill.  I've explained a couple of times before in previous posts that the way Dwayne shows he cares is with money, or through buying you things.  I guess he's trying to say he still cares. 

Who knows where we'll end up.  I have no idea.  But I will admit to one thing.  I had FUN on Friday night, and it was such a nice change.  Then on Saturday night, I took a little of the money Dwayne gave me, and I met Billie and Shane for dinner at Chili's.  We had a great time.  Then on Sunday, after Billie and I went to the gym together, I met up with her and Shane at a seafood restaurant called Pappadeaux's, where Shane bought my lunch.  It was FANTASTIC...had fun again. 

Then yesterday, Monday, I had to go up to my sister's house to babysit for her last night and today while she goes to school.  I spent the night up there.   She asked me to cook chicken and rice for dinner, so I did.  Then I started snacking.  My goodness....she has 2 kids and her house is full of junk food.  It's everywhere.  Elijah asked me to make him some peanut butter crackers, so I did, and ended up eating 2 Ritz crackers with pb and jelly on them, just like Dad used to make us when we were kids.  Then I spotted a box of Golden Grahams in the pantry.  I very rarely eat cold cereal....but if I do, it's Golden Grahams.  Damn.  I had a bowl of that.  Then I saw popsicles in the freezer that said "ONLY 50 CALORIES!", so I had one of those.  Then I drank a Coke I found in the frig.  Good Lord.  It was horrible.

I didn't leave from up there til 2:30pm today, so today was bad, too.  Crappy, crappy week for weight loss, but it's also been the best I've felt in the form of happiness in over 2 months.  So, I can live with it.  I did stop by the store tonight after the gym and pick up lots of fruit.  My plan for the next 2 days is to eat ALL healthy stuff, including lots of fruit and water, so we'll see how it balances it out by Friday's weigh-in after I flush about 10 lbs of sodium from all the restaurant eating. 

Speaking of the gym, I've been going for about 3 months now and loving it for the most part.  The one thing that's really been upsetting to me is that my arms haven't shrunk one bit.  Not one tiny bit.  My stomach has started shrinking more than my arms, and it's usually the last to go.  I finally got up the nerve to ask the personal trainer tonight for some help.  Mind you, I don't pay for a personal trainer, so I've been too scared to ask for help.  I figured if I did, he'd tell me his hourly rate and ask me to pay up, lol.  But tonight I asked him if he could just show me 1 exercise to fix my bat wings.  I showed them to him and asked him if anything could be done or if they were beyond hope.  He said, "There's always hope".  Awesome.  Just what I wanted to hear.  :)

He took the time to show me 3 different exercises and I'm so grateful.  I only did 20 reps of each and they're already a little sore.  I can just imagine how wonderfully painful it's going to be tomorrow night when I show Billie the exercises and we do 3 reps of 20 with all 3 of the exercises.  It will be torturous bliss!! 

Now that I have finally found the way to fix my ridiculous arms, I've found the courage to post "before" pics of them.  I know...I can't believe I'm doing this either.  But I really think I can shrink them up some.  Sure, there will still always be loose skin at the droopiest point, but if I didn't think I could shrink them up a good bit, then I wouldn't be embarassing myself by posting these pics.  They are hideous.  And by the way, I promise this is as bare as it gets.  I will not be showing you my other set of wings, otherwise known as my inner thighs.  That would just be wrong.  ;)  I'll be taking measurements of them with Billie tomorrow so I'll know my exact starting point, and will re-measure them in one month.  Hopefully I will at least lost an inch.  Anything is progress.  I leave you with the horrid truth.....'Nite friends. :)

Friday, January 8, 2010

Wow, Really?

My weight this week is 227.6, for a loss of 2.4 lbs.  I'm a bit shocked by that.  I was praying I was doing enough just to maintain.  It's inspiring to see a loss 2 weeks in a row.  I'm back down to the 220's and I'm going to do my best to never see 230 again in my life.

I had mentioned I was bringing back my 10 lb/mo goal.  Last Friday was the first week of the new month and I lost  3 lbs.  This is the second week and I've lost 2.4 more.  That means I've got 2 weeks left to lose 4.6 lbs and reach my goal.  Do you think I can do it???  Oh you bet your sweet a$$ I can. 

I've got to end this post so I can go bundle up and head out in the 17 degree weather to get to the gym.  The elliptical awaits.  :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

This Too Shall Pass

I see a LOT of people are battling depression right now.  I'm no different.  As I said before, I absolutely refuse to write another depressing post, so that's why I haven't been posting regularly yet.

A great friend and fellow blogger emailed me to check on me and I'm so glad she did.  She reminded me that "this too shall pass" and I've always believed in that saying whole-heartedly.  Still do.  Just waiting on "this" to pass. 

I'm just trying to maintain my weight from last Friday this week.  I hope I have.  Wanting my heart's desires to win out over the bad emtions.  Praying every day that it happens soon so I can sail down the scale and get this weight off.  I know that losing the weight won't "fix" all of life's problems.  But it affects so many things for me, that I have to believe that it will make a huge difference....a positive one.  And who can't use a little more positivity??

My gym was packed to the rafters tonight, so instead of waiting on an elliptical, Billie and I spent 45 mins manuvering through the sea of newcomers to do the weight machines, and then we spent an hour trying out a new class called Zumba.  It's a Latin dance class.  Wow.  I didn't know my hips could move like that.  It was interesting to say the least, but I think I'll drop some more weight before I do that again.  I want to feel more comfortable before I'm in there shaking and shimmying with the skinny minnies.  It's tough being the fattest one in the class. 

Good luck to everyone getting started again.  I know it's tough, but I believe in all of us.  We're here for a reason, we know what needs to be done.  And for those of you suffering through the depression, whether it's seasonal or a lifelong battle, I'm praying for each and everyone one of you.  I know just how paralyzing it can be and I pray that all of us can break free very soon and enjoy the lives we dream of. :)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Reflections and Resolutions

I've been noticing on some people's posts that they've been reflecting on all that 2009 was filled with.  I thought about doing a post like that, but to tell you the truth, my year was filled with a lot of negatives and circumstances beyond my control that I'd really just rather forget about. 

However, there were some good things that happened this year, so I decided to list those, followed by some "resolutions" of sorts for the much anticipated year ahead.

I lost 40 lbs. this year.
I've exercised consistently for 7 months now.
I joined the endearing weight loss blogging community.
I'm becoming so fit that I did a 2 mile walk at the park today w/o breaking a sweat.
I've improved my health enough through diet/exercise that I came off all my meds.
I've been in close contact with Pam, my best friend from high school.
I re-connected with Chris, another dear friend from high school & enjoyed a visit.
I've made such good friends w/ one blogger that we text or talk almost daily.
I've been a big help to my immediate family members this year.
I organized our first annual family reunion on my maternal grandparent's side.
I went from a 26/28 in clothing to a size 18/20.
I joined a gym for the first time in my life and I'm addicted...my 1st healthy addiction.

I'm not going to list what some might think are "typical" resolutions.  Mine are a little different, and they're few in number.

I want to improve my attitude towards negative things that happen in my life.  We always hear that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.  I want to practice having a more positive attitude, no matter what gets thrown my way.

I want to learn different coping mechanisms for dealing with my emotions other than turning to food.  I want to TRULY learn something new, healthy & helpful and never return to the old ways that brought me to obesity and held me there for so many years.  I want to break the chains and never look back.

I want to enter into a heathy, happy, fulfilling relationship with a guy that deserves me and all I have to offer.  I want to learn how not to settle and get it right this time.  I want the next guy to be the last guy.

Hope all of you are off to a great start this New Year with a spring in your step and a song in your heart.  :)