Seriously

This girl needs a vacation.  Fo Sho.

I went for a walk this past Sunday with Kim and her friend Emily.  I finally, FINALLY got my fat ass moving again after 6 months of as little movement as possible.  I won't lie.  It hurt.  A lot.  It's Tuesday and I'm still hobbling, lol.  The sad part is we only walked 4.5 miles.  I used to walk that distance all the time...and then I got lazy.  And now I'm feeling it.  Big Time.  The goal is to get on the treadmill at the fitness center tomorrow after work.  It's just ridiculous that one walk takes me 2 full days to recover but that's what happens when you give up.  Let this be a lesson to you if you're thinking about giving up.  Bad idea.  Because one day you'll want to get back at it.


  I mean, that's why we're all here isn't it?  To scratch and claw our way out of this hell hole called Obesity?  We start up blogs and bare our souls.  Lose some weight...and some of us gain some back....and then lose some more, except the next time...each time, we start over...it's that much harder.  I think the better idea here is to just not give up in the first place.  I read that as one of Chris' goals when she first started. (Chris at A Deliberate Life).  I think she had 3 goals when she first began, and funny enough, the only one I can remember is the last one..."Don't Quit".  Just don't quit.  And she didn't, and she hasn't, and she went from somewhere around 250 lbs. I think to now wearing a size 10 and fully living and enjoying life as a thin person. 

I've read a lot of blogs over the last couple of years, but there are a few select ones that really speak to me.  Ones that I truly treasure.  I take nuggets of wisdom from their experiences and hold onto them.  I may not be applying them at the moment...but I know them.  I cling to them, because one of these days I'm going to get it right, just like they did.  Chris is one of those people with one of those blogs.  Her words and her ways are striking to me. 

If you can peel back all the layers and totally expose my core....my emotions...that raw, hidden place that you think nobody knows about but you....that nobody else has experienced in the same way.  If you can define the pain, the shame, the reasons....the non-reasons, the excuses, the rationalizations, etc, and without knowing the first thing about me personally...then you've got my attention.  Chris did that in a couple of posts talking about "cleaning out her chicken coop"...and Sean did it in a post where he wrote a letter to Morbid Obesity.  There are a few others from other people, but these are 2 of the most memorable for me.  If you're morbidly/severely obese and you know the shame I speak of....you should search out these posts.  They're invaluable to addicts like us.  These posts are like lanterns lighting your way out of a deep, dark cave.

My weight is still a constant struggle.  I lost 3 lbs last week while working like a maniac while Billie was on vacation.  Those 3 lbs are still gone and I'm happy about that.  But I still have issues, and I know that.  I don't know exactly why I have them...but they're there.  My weight is something I think about every single day....many, many times a day.  What's baffling is how I can be this physically miserable and still not have fixed/solved/obliterated the problem yet. 

As I said, I think about it daily, in so many ways, in reference to so many different things.  Weight loss is hard work.  There's no denying that.  And we all know it's not the actual act of dropping the lbs.  Oh it if were only that easy, right???  But no....the really hard part is as Sean says.  Self-honesty is part of it.  Letting go of all the rationalizations for the bad choices is part of it.  And as Chris says, digging deep and really identifying what the issues are that cause you to want to eat like this in the first place.  What are you covering up/avoiding/etc.  What hurts?  And learning how to deal with it.  It really does take level upon level of mental work.  Wow I'm channeling Sean again....I think he says it's 80% mental....much less about the food.  He's so right.  The reason all of this matters and plays into it is so we can reach the end game.  Not losing the weight....but once it's lost, keeping it off.  Forever.  Completely re-training ourselves with a new lifestyle, a new way of thinking, a new way of dealing and coping.  It's a lot of work. 

I've noticed in the last month whenever I try to really, really delve into these thoughts, some kind of sirens go off in my head and I think, "OMG I'm so stressed...I'm so busy at work...I can't deal with this right now.  I'm doing the work of 2 people at work now...sometime 3.  I've got the Claims Convention coming up in 3 weeks (what am I going to wear that actually looks decent on my fat body????).  Then a week later I'm going to Myrtle Beach for a few days to see Dwayne's sister.  Then when I get back I've got to start packing for a move.  My place, Dwayne's place, and Dwayne's storage unit all have to be organized, packed and moved.  I'm so mentally exhausted when I get home from work that it's an absolute chore to put myself on that treadmill down at the fitness center.  Total mental block.  It's hard enough to keep the dishes done and laundry washed during the week."  And on and on and on. 

I've definitely got my priorities mixed up and I KNOW that.  My stress levels are very high, but I know that others are much more stressed than I am.  I know that I'm no different that anyone else...I'm not special.  I'm just not dealing with my weight the way I should.  You'd think I'd throw my hands up in the air and just say forget it.  I think I'll just stay fat and get the obsessive thoughts about what I should be doing out of my head.  But I haven't done that.  I haven't resolved to fully quit in my mind.  Losing the weight and learning how to keep it off truly is something I want to do.  I just don't know why I'm scared to do it.  It must be some kind of fear that keeps me from pushing through.  Maybe if I keep torturing myself with fat thoughts every day I'll break on through and get on the right track.  I need to find my blinders again soon and re-acquaint myself with the word "consistency".  It feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.  I need to jump.  Seriously.