Wow. It looks like the time is finally here. And I am a basket case.
For some reason, and I have no idea why, I seem to keep acquiring new readers on this blog, despite my lack of posting, and despite my non-existent weight loss. I haven't talked about Brittany in quite a while, so for those of you who don't know, she is the daughter that I adopted out when I was a teenager. I've written a couple of posts about it, so if you want some back story, you can find them in the archives.
I've got tears streaming down my face as I type this, washing away my mascara and eyeliner, because this is so hard to talk about...to deal with.
If you've never adopted out a child, and then had the chance to one day finally meet them in person, then you probably can't understand the magnitude of emotions that are involved. Let me just say...this is a big deal.
I talked to Brittany a couple of times through email when she was 16 because she wanted her mom Becky to find me...and she did. It wasn't hard...Becky knows a lot of my family members because they used to go to church together many years ago, and we live in the same state. But after a couple of emails her mom just couldn't handle it, so we ceased contact. When Brittany was nearly 18, I sent a friend request to her on Facebook to see if she wanted contact with me again. She did. We've been chatting all along thru FB msgs for nearly 2 years now. Brittany will turn 20 in November. Nothing big or major....just small talk, but always staying in touch.
About a year ago, Brittany asked me if I'd be willing to meet her in person. Of course I said yes, we would do it whenever she was ready, but she needed to discuss it with her mom first. Out of respect, I wanted to make sure that her mom was ok with it, even though Brittany was now an adult. Brittany felt the same way....out of respect for her mom, she wanted to tell her first. But she couldn't seem to do it. Months went on and she just couldn't find a "good" or "easy" way to break it to her. She didn't want to hurt her. I love that kid for that.
So I never pressed her. I knew the day would eventually come when she was ready and we would meet. Well it looks like the time is here, and it's funny how it all came about. Life is so interesting...
I have been working day and night on promoting the Errand Fairy and trying to recruit people to do my daytime work for me while I'm at my current job. I got my very first call this Monday, and had to turn down the job because I didn't have any daytime help....that was a terrible feeling. So I posted a little blurb on FB that I was looking for daytime help in the Roswell/Alpharetta area (where I live and have been advertising), and within 2 days, I have now acquired 10 people that want to be daytime fairies! The problem is, every single one of them live in Cumming/Dawsonville, which is just about too far north of me to really be effective.
After I acquired all this help too far north of me, I decided that I should probably go where the help is. So I'm looking into taking an ad out in the local paper up there. It's really hard because my budget to pay for advertising in papers is so tight....almost non-existent, really. I've been relying heavily on handing out business cards, leaving them at businesses, and driving around 24/7 with 2 magnet car signs on my car doors. I paid $95 for a small ad that came out in a local Roswell paper yesterday, but I think now I need to scrape up some more cash to place an ad in a Cumming paper.
So anyhoo, Brittany contacted me saying she wanted to run some errands a couple days a week. (Jaw on the floor moment). She wants to work for me??? And I haven't even met her yet?? Now we're going to have to meet! Like....this wknd!! Oh. My. Word.
I talked to her on FB last night and it was decided that we would meet at a bbq restaurant for dinner Monday night at 7pm. She told me from the very beginning that whenever we did our first meeting, she wanted her boyfriend Tyler and her best friend Brittni to be there with her. I'm guessing for moral support. I told her I was fine with that, and asked Dwayne to come with me. He said yes...thank God.
So here we are. It's finally time. The crazy part is that as soon as plans were finalized last night, I went into freak out mode, and that kind of disappoints me. She and I have talked so easily for almost 2 years now, and I'm totally cool with her doing some work for me....excited even....so why am I in such meltdown mode right now? I went to bed last night and just could not shut off my brian. I think I may have gotten 2 hours of sleep. I don't want our first meeting to be some huge, over-dramatized thing like you see on TV. I want it to be casual and comfortable, and I want to be moderately in control of my emotions. I'm just afraid that when I see her face and give her that first hug, that I'm going to fall apart all over her. I don't want it to be like that and make everyone uncomfortable, especially Brittany. And I'm sure Dwayne would want to crawl in a hole and hide, lol. He's not good with the emotional stuff....at all. lol
Everything is so real and so raw and so right on the surface right now. I remember her birth like it was YESTERDAY. Every detail. Every emotion. Every tear. Gut-wrenching. Heart-wrenching. The hardest thing I will ever do in my life. When something that you've waited on for 20 years finally comes to fruition, the emotions are overwhelming.
So this is where I am today. Happy. Scared. Crying. Excited. Nervous. Relieved. Stressed. All sorts of things going on in my head and in my heart. So if you're the praying type, I could sure use some today. Thanks, friends. :)
3 months ago