Can I Have a Do-Over?

My weekend was great...my eating was bad.  Very bad.  I just read some advice given on Jack Sh*t's blog this morning...I think it was from Roxie.  She said "Start today.  Keep re-starting until it sticks".  And so here I am again, re-starting, AGAIN.  Consistency really shouldn't be this hard...but apparently I'm the queen of making things hard.  I'm sure my weigh-in this Friday will reflect that.  I managed to put forth the effort last night to write out some calories and pre-pack/prepare my breakfast, lunch and snacks for my 9 1/2 hour workday today.  I've got 1000 calories of healthy stuff that I brought with me today, leaving a few hundred on the table for dinner tonight.  I'm thinking I need to cut it down to 1500.  The 1800 limit feels a little stupid for me when I know I'm not grinding out the calorie burn on the treadmill right now.  Oh and my ankle did a disgusting little popping thing 2x in the last 3 days.  Big fun.  Alright guys....let's try this again.....(eyeroll).

Lightening Up

I can't post my weigh-in pic!!!  I tried and tried on my home computer this morning but it just wouldn't work.  Normally when I click on the picture icon, "My Pictures" comes up and I just scroll down until I see it.  Well this morning, it looked totally different.  "My Pictures" wasn't even an option.  It would only allow me to upload from a URL or upload from Picasa Web Album....WTF?????  I couldn't find the picture anywhere so eff it.

I weighed in at 245.8 lbs. this morning!  I was 249.6 last Friday, so that's a loss of 3.8 lbs. for this week...AND...get this....a loss of exactly 10 lbs. in the last 2 weeks!!!  Here's the bummer though.  I still feel fat and miserable in my clothes.  Those 10 lbs. hasn't seemed to make any difference which is disappointing.  Everything I wear is still binding and irritating and hard to breathe in.  Maybe in another 10 lbs. things will fit better.....because I REALLY don't want to break down and go out and buy BIGGER sizes.  As soon as I shrunk, I gave away all of my bigger sizes, because...you know...going back up the scale just wasn't an option....PFFFT!!

I've already got Friday and Saturday's dinners with Dwayne planned, just like last weekend.  Tonight we're having grilled pizzas again, except we're doing them on the Naan bread tonight instead of the pita bread we used last Friday....so it will be like a thin crust pizza and save me some calories.  Dwayne was over last night and I talked him into letting me buy him some turkey pepperoni, instead of the real deal.  He begrudgingly agreed.  I told him it will taste just as good but I don't think he believes me, lol.  I also have some more of that ground italian chicken sausage like I used last week.  I'll be buying 2% mozzarella this time though instead of the full-fat (delicious!) mozzarella we used last weekend. 

Saturday night we're grilling some steaks he bought on sale a couple of weeks ago and threw in the freezer...either the NY strips or the sirloins...haven't decided yet.  I'll meausre a 6 oz. portion on my food scale.  We're splitting one baked potato between the 2 of us, and I'll have sauteed mushrooms and onions w/ mine.  I'm also buying one of those Lite Caesar Salad kits so I can at least get some romaine lettuce down his gullet.  Sheesh.

I have to say that my 10 lb. loss over the last 2 weeks is due mostly to planning ahead.  I do so much better and it's not near as hard to stay on track when I have plenty of healthy options on hand.  That's not to say I don't still have thoughts about food that are over my calorie limit.  I do...almost daily still.  But I'm still only focusing on one day at a time.  There's always some sort of dialogue going on with my brain..

Fat Tammy:  "I want a Philly cheesesteak sub today."

Skinny Tammy:  "Yeah?  Well that DOES sound good.  But let me ask you something first.  At what point do you want to strap on a pair of pants to go to work in the morning and not feel like the non-elastic waistband is damaging internal organs?"

Fat Tammy:  "Hmm.  Well...you have a point.  I guess I can wait until tomorrow."

Skinny Tammy:  "Good girl.  Yes, we'll talk about it again tomorrow." 

lol...and we do...day in and day out.  But as long as Skinny Tammy keeps winning out then I'm happy.

Hope everyone has a great weekend planned.  Dwayne and I are going to visit my sister on Saturday and on Sunday I'm meeting up with Kim to have lunch and then we're going to the Dekalb Farmer's Market.  This will be her first time there...I think she's going to love it!  :)

Lapband Logic

I came across 2 different blogs yesterday that I had never seen before, just from checking out different blogs lists from people that I already follow.  Well I came across several new ones actually, but 2 of them were women who had the lapband.  I read where both of these women were regretting and second-guessing their choice.

They talked about how they had done all of the necessary research ahead of time, talked to doctor after doctor, been to classes, fully understood the risks of the surgery, and decided this was the tool they would use to lose their weight.  But for some reason, what escaped both of them, is that the band does absolutely nothing to change your mind frame, your thoughts on overeating, or the desire to binge.   They mentioned how they still had furious thoughts of overeating that were driving them crazy, almost to the point of being truly depressed over their decision.  They could no longer have many of their favorite foods, even in a moderate amount, because the band just won't allow it w/o causing major sickness or internal injury.  They also talked about all of the uncomfortable side affects that come with living with the band...not life-threatening, but just not pleasant, like constant gas and digestive issues, etc.  One woman mentioned how she had to have hers remove to have a "fill" done (not sure what this means, maybe they loosen up over time?)...and she was absolutely frantic that she would go nuts and eat everything in sight and gain 100 lbs. before she could get her band put back in.

No, the band doesn't change anything on the mental level.  It does nothing for self-discipline and it doesn't calm those raging food thoughts that come with overeating.  It doesn't cure a food addiciton.  The mental work still has to be done on your own, whether you have a band or not.  I read on another blog a while back where they said, "The problem is not with your stomach...it's with your brain.  And they don't make a lapband for the brain."  Amen.

I am one of those people that considered either a lapband or gastric bypass surgery to lose my weight.  I read a lot about it...understood the classes you had to take ahead of time, the waiting period involed, the risks of the surgery, etc.  I asked friends what they thought....they all said they stand behind whatever decision I made, but that it was a personal one.  I asked my roommate at the time, Shane.  He said don't do it.  I asked my boyfriend Dwayne...he said don't do it...one of the things he mentioned was the MAJOR loose skin issues I'd have if I lost too quickly (but aesthetics weren't a good enough reason to me to not do it).  I was feeling helpless and hopeless and like this was the only way out of the fat hell I was living in.  I had gotten a lot of opinions but somehow they just didn't seem good enough.  I didn't feel settled with the advice I had been given. 

I couldn't quite get comfortable with the thought of having this surgery.  No matter how much info I had gathered or how many opinions I had solicited...it just didn't feel like the right way.  It didn't feel like I'd be putting in the work to get this weight off, and I wouldn't have that sense of satisfaction after losing it, if I didn't do it all by myself w/o the use of a tool like a band.  But still...that sense of hopelessness was overpowering and I was scared that maybe I really couldn't do it on my own.  I needed one more opinion....the ultimate one...the one that I would value above all others.

I called my one and only hero....my Dad.

I told him my thoughts on using the surgery to lose the weight.  I pointed out that I was in my 30's...had a lot of health problems (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol) and if I hadn't lost the weight by now, I didn't think I had it in me to get it done on my own.  I told him I thought I might need to have the surgery just because of the health problems...the clock was ticking and I didn't want to die early.  He told me not to do it.  First off, he said that he didn't want to see me have any surgery that wasn't directly related to saving my life..in other words, an unnecessary one.  And I wasn't at death's door just yet.  But what he told me next is really what sealed the deal.  He told me that he believed I could lose it on my own. 

He said he believed in me.

Boy.  Brings me to tears again now just like it did that day.  He explained that he knew what a struggle it was....reminding me that he's battled with it himself through the years, and he KNEW how hard it was to get to and stay at a normal weight.  But it wasn't impossible...it wasn't out of my reach.  I listened through my tears...telling him it was just. so. hard.  He sympathized...he told me he knew....but that I could do it.  He knew I would get it done one of these days.  And that was that.  No surgery for me...I was going to do it on my own.

I didn't start that day, but I did finally get started a few months later...June of '09 as a matter of fact...the day I started my blog.  I haven't lost a lot in total since I started over a year ago, but I sure have learned a lot.  And through my learning, thanks to Blogland, I have now developed the belief that yes, I can do this.  It's still a struggle, no doubt....but it no longer seems like an impossibility.  I know that I will get there one day, and I like knowing that I've worked through so much of the mental crap that brought me to morbid obesity in the first place.  I can look back over the last year and see real progress.  Where I used to eat at fast food restaurants DAILY, I now hardly ever visit them....it's an out of the ordinary situation, not a daily ritual.  I've also gone several months now w/o a binge, where a binge used to happen 2-3 times a month.  When I first started I walked a 15 minute mile and thought I would fall over dead from exhaustion and possibly a heart attack.  Since then I've been on several hikes, one of them 5 miles....and been on 4-6 mile walks around the track at the park multiple times.  When I first started, I lasted a total of 30 seconds on the elliptical...no joke.  I can now last 30 mins on that beast.  I don't like it...but I can do it.

If you're considering the lapband as an option to lose your weight, I'd ask you to consider every aspect....especially the mental one.  There's a whole lot more to this weight loss business than just physically shrinking the size of your stomach.  I'd say a good 80% of the work has to be done above the shoulders.

Part of my Dad's daily morning ritual is reading my blog.  He's seen me struggle here...he's seen me fall off the wagon, roll down the hill and into the ditch.  But he's also seen me get back up, each and every time.  I get back up because of him...he believes in me...both of my parents do, but more importantly, I now believe in myself.  My hope has been restored.  Thanks Dad....I love you.  :)

Holding Steady

Ok, so I'm not supposed to get on the scale mid-week, right?   I've been a little freaked out about eating too much at dinner on Sunday....stuff that had too much sodium in it, and I had it blown up in my mind that I'd gained at least 10 lbs. 

So I jumped on it this morning and it said the exact same thing it said last Friday....249.6 lbs.  Ahhh...a sigh of relief.  Sure, I wish it was down at least a lb. by now, but I'm always going to be happy as long as it doesn't go back up.  I really hope I never see the 250's again. 

As far as exercise goes....sprains take WAY too long to heal.  I think it's been 3 weeks now since I slipped and fell in Wal-mart, practically crushing my ankle inbetween my fat ass and the hard floor when I plopped down on it.  I went to the gym this past Saturday morning, fully intending on getting back into the exercise swing.  I walked 2 miles on the treadmill, with the first mile carrying 5 lb. weights in my hands.  I felt fine at the time I was doing it, but it's been clear since Saturday afternoon on that things still aren't completely healed.  The bone on the outside of my leg, just above my ankle throbs now and again, and if I turn my foot the wrong way, there's a weakness there that causes my leg to give.  If I'm not careful I'll find myself on the ground again.  So I'm still unable to get back into the exercise full force and that is frustrating beyond belief.  But...I need my feet and ankles and legs to work, so I'm not going to push it too hard just to end up injuring it worse.  Then I WILL be cussing.

Staying off the scale again til Friday morning...and relieved to know that I'm at least holding steady this week.  :)

Grilled Pita Pizzas & Shrimp Po' Boys

I ate some REALLY good food this wknd and I took some pics to show you.  :)  My good friend Tina at Fat Girl Dives In told me how to make grilled pita pizzas, and Dwayne, who has not yet met Tina, is now officially in love with her...lol.  He said it was the BEST pizza he has ever eaten in his entire life.  Trust me when I tell you this guy's eaten a lot of pizza, so that was quite the compliment. 

I followed Tina's instructions step by step....brushed the pita with some olive oil and minced garlic and grilled them on both sides.  I cooked some hot italian chicken sausage in the skillet that I bought at the Farmer's Market along with the pitas.  I topped mine with a little pizza sauce, the sausage, 4 pepperonis, 2 oz. of Boar's Head low sodium ham, some cheese, and some onions-bell peppers-fresh mushrooms that I lightly sauteed in a skillet.  Then I put them back on the grill and covered with the lid for a few minutes to heat the pita through and melt the cheese.  Dwayne's only had pepproni, ham and sausage of course...no veggies.

O
M
G

Best.  Pizza. EVER.

I ate half of mine...then fed most of the 3rd piece to Scarlette.  I was completely stuffed and miserable from 2 pieces....still trying to figure that one out....felt sure I was going to be able to eat the whole thing and fully intended to when I started.  I guess I've just gotten used to eating smaller amounts of food more often....but oh my goodness the misery was worth it.  Just so good.  AND I still managed to stay at 1800 cals for the day.  Success!!

Saturday night we did the same thing with some Naan bread...brushed both sides with olive oil and minced garlic and grilled them.  Then I mixed up a little Kraft lite mayo and some cocktail sauce for a faux remoulade.  Allan gave me a recipe for real remoulade sauce, but it requires putting veggies in a food processor as part of the recipe, and I couldn't chance it with Dwayne right under my feet...he wouldn't have eaten it, lol.  So....mixed up the mayo and cocktail, spread 1 tbsp. on the Naan, layered it with some green leaf lettuce, and about 6 oz. of shrimp.   My heavens it was soooo delicious.  And satisfying.  Dwayne raved about it almost as much as the pizzas.  We both really enjoyed those meals.

I also took pics of my breakfast this morning....300 calorie egg scramble.  I used 2 whole eggs and 1 egg white....then 3 oz. of Boar's Head low sodium ham, some onions, bell peppers and fresh mushrooms.  Yum.

I screwed up dinner today.  I ate too much.  My original plan of everything grilled at mom's cookout just didn't work out.  We weren't able to grill and to tell you the truth I just didn't feel like devising a new plan.  So I ate whatever was there and a little too much of it.  The guilt has been a little overwhelming, but I'm counting on the fact that one bad meal won't ruin an entire week of meals.  Every other meal Fri, Sat and Sun was right on target calorie-wise.  I also went to the gym Saturday morning and walked 2 miles on the treadmill....and carried a 5 lb. weight in each hand for the first mile of it.  Looking forward to a few more workouts this week, either at the gym or the fitness center here at my apt complex...they finally opened it!

So...trying to wash off the guilt of tonight's dinner and just keep moving forward.  My goal is the same again this week...1800 calorie a day limit and some walking.  If I stick to it, I should be able to pull off a nice 2 lb. loss this week.  I'm looking ahead to Friday's weigh-in....it feels good to ancipate them again instead of dread them.  :)

Progress

Can everyone read that #??  249.6 BABY!!!!! 

I was 255.8 last Friday, so by keeping my calories at or under 1800 each day this past week, I lost 6.2 lbs!!  I'm sure probaby half of it is a sodium drop...but who cares...I'm back in the 240's!!!  I have the same plan for this week....1800 calories...and there's some more good news.  They finally opened my fitness center at the apt yesterday afternoon, so I can use that when I don't feel like making the 45 minute to the gym after work.  Woo Hoo!!  I'm hoping that with continuing to only take it one day at a time, I can leave the 250's behind forever, and steadily move down through the 240's.  

Thanks to everyone who left a comment yesterday.  That was a hard post to write and one that actually took me by surprise at how hard that award hit me.  A few of the comments made me think about things in a way I hadn't before, so thank you for that.  :)

I've been working on a plan for my weekend eating with Dwayne.  My dinners are usually my lightest meal during the work week....I think I had egg whites and mushrooms 3x this week.  Tonight's dinner is going to be on the heavier side, so I'll need to adjust my calories accordingly throughout the day.  So far I've had 270 calories for breakfast....2 whole eggs at 75 cals each...so 150 there...and 2 pieces of Jimmy Dean turkey sausage for a total of 120 calories there...so 270.  I used Pam Olive Oil cooking spray to cook them in.  It's time to grocery shop again, so didn't have anything readily available for lunch, which means I'll probably be heading to Publix on my lunch break to get a sandwich out of their deli. 

Last Sunday I went to the Farmer's Market with Tina from Fat Girl Dives In, listed on my blogroll.  I always have the best visits with her.  She's just a fun girl to be around, and so down to earth.  We ate lunch together at the salad bar, and then did some shopping.  She pointed me towards the pita bread that she buys from their bakery to make grilled pita pizzas, so Dwayne and I are trying them tonight.  When you buy bread from the bakery, they obviously don't list the calorie counts on the bags, so Tina and I are ballparking that the pitas, which are a little bigger than your normal pita pocket, are probably around 300 calories.  I also bought some ground spicy italian chicken sausage from their meat department, and will be sizzling that up in a skillet ahead of time to add to my pizzas.  Dwayne will be eating the chicken sausage on his (can you believe it???!!!), and adding some pepperoni that he picked up at the store last night.  I'll be lightly sauteeing some onions, bell peppers, and fresh mushrooms to put on mine....and topping it off with some fresh mozzarella that I also bought at the Farmer's Market.  Then Tina says you just place them on the grill and cover them, which warms the bread and melts the cheese.  Cant' wait.  :)

My plan for Saturday night's dinner was originally to have shrimp po' boys.  I asked Dwayne and he said that sounded good...thank God!  Something we'll both eat!  I was thinking I'd have mine on some kind of low calorie wheat bun/bread...wasn't sure yet, and buy Dwayne whatever kind of bread he wanted.  Well he decided that since we're grilling shrimp, we should throw on some fish, too....so now we're up to fish and shrimp po'boys.  Then we got to Publix last night for him to pick up some of his junk food for the apt, and he said we should eat the po' boys on flatbread.  So we found some in the deli and the calorie count on the flatbread is 260 calories.  I told him I didn't want anything that calorie dense, because I'm already having 300 calorie pitas on Friday night...I need to make better use of my calories.  So we looked and looked.....I suggested some low calorie tortillas...he didn't want that...wanted a thicker bread.  So we finally decided on some Naan....how ethnic of him, lol.  The calories on that are 190.  We bought 4 pieces, but I'm thinking what I'll do is have one shrimp po'boy on one of the pieces of Naan, and then just have a little piece of grilled fish on the side.  I don't need 2 big ass sandwiches.  I was going to buy some Boar's Head remoulade sauce for the po' boys, but Dwayne said there was no need to spend the money...he'd just mix up some mayo and cocktail sauce and that would be close to the same thing.  Allan, if you're reading this morning, can you kindly tell me what all is in remoulade sauce?  :)

Sunday I'm meeting Kim at the salon to get our nails done...I am sooo past due.  Then we're having lunch together.  I asked her where she wanted to go and she said she's leaving it up to me so I can choose something and still stay in my calorie budget.  Now THAT'S a supportive friend.  :)  I'm not sure where we're going yet....I need to find out what restaurants are close to the salon on her side of town...but we'll be deciding that today over email so I can choose my item and know the calorie count ahead of time.  Lastly, I'm going to my mom and dad's house for dinner on Sunday afternoon....we're throwing my cousin Ann Marie a surprise birthday party.  I asked mom ahead of time if we can grill....it's probably going to be chicken breasts, center cut pork chops, and hot dogs for the kids.  I'm bringing the chicken breasts along, and I'm making some cole slaw to take.  As a matter of fact, I got the cole slaw recipe from Jack Sh*t's blog post yesterday.  I'm using regular cabbage in place of the kale...but everything else will be the same.  Can't wait to try it.  :)

So....this is me trying to stay on my game by planning ahead of time as much as possible.  Of course, we all know plans can fall apart at a moment's notice, but hopefully not from my own doing.  I have more confidence in my calorie counting when I make the effort to plan ahead of time and I have a much better chance of staying on track. 

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend, too! :)

The Toughest Award I've Received Yet

My sweet and special sister of a friend, Sheilagh at Sixty Is Good, listed on my blogroll, passed this adorable award on to me today.  I read the rules of receiving this award and was immediately brought to tears.  I copied them from her blog to paste them here:

The Rules for Eligibility are:

1. Answer the question,

"If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

2. Pass on to six people and inform them of the award.


Oh my goodness.  There's so, so much I would change if I had the chance.  I did so many things wrong in so many ways.  I've done a lot right....but the things I've done wrong can really be haunting.  My mind was flooded with a plethora of things that I would change if I had the chance to go back, but it really only took a second to know which one I would choose. 

The one thing at the top of the list that I would have done differently is keep Brittany, instead of giving her up for adoption.  I was so naive growing up.  So ignorant...maybe shielded...to the ways of the world.  I was 18 years old when I got pregnant with Brittany.  I was just out of high school and working 20 hours a week at a yogurt shop making $4.25/hr.  My math skills were telling me I didn't have the financial ability to raise her.  I regretted getting pregnant so young...but it wasn't that I hated the baby.  I didn't.  I just didn't think I could do it on my own.....I didn't think I could afford to....and it felt so unfair in my mind to do that to a child.

I truthfully didn't know what welfare was.  I had heard the word tossed around in political discussions...but knew nothing of actually obtaining it for myself....I didn't know about things like W.I.C. and other things offered to raise a child in poverty.  The only thing I had to compare Brittany's raising to in my mind, was my own raising.  I had 2 loving parents...still married to this day...and both of them always worked.  We weren't rich, but we had plenty of money to meet all of our needs...my sisters and I were involved in extracurricular sports, and dance classes, etc.....things that take money.  That was my "normal".  I didn't have any money....so I didn't see how I could give Brittany a "normal" life.  In my mind, it was just an impossibility.

My first thought was abortion.  I had the appt. set and the money to do it.  I was scared out of my mind and I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy....even to adopt her out.  I just wanted the "problem" to go away.   My mom, my best friend Pam, and my cousin Veronnica all talked me out of that decision.    I thank God for them.  They knew me better than I knew myself, and they knew that I'd never be able to live with that decision in the days, weeks and years to come.  They were so right. 

Going through that pregnancy for all those months....dealing with everything that it entailed...breakdowns in family relationships, constant sickness from morning sickness to toxemia that put me on bed rest flat on my back from Month 6 onward....feeling the baby move and kick inside me...fighting with all of my might the bond that was being created between me and my child....because I knew she wasn't going to be mine in the end.  It was a living Hell. 

After the birth and the adoption were over with....I spent a lot of time praying for peace.  I felt like a monster for giving her away....who gives away their own flesh and blood?  I do.  Because I couldn't see any other way in my young, naive 18 year old mind.  As I aged, I learned.  I found out that I could have made it on government assistance.  I could have even gotten government assistance to go to school....and I'm betting I could have worked out the babysitting with my sisters and mom to get an education and do right by Brittany.  I learned a lot.....and I regretted a lot. 

I lost something that day...I was going to say a little piece of me died, but really, it was a big piece.  There is a void in my heart that will never be filled....something that will never be right..never be whole or complete.

I'm one of the lucky ones though.  I have the good fortune of  knowing where Brittany is and that she's doing okay.  I know that she doesn't hate me...and that she understands my situation back then as best she can.  We exchange a few words about once a month over Facebook.  I try not to intrude on her life...and she hasn't asked to meet me in person.  But she's always cordial and polite....and she knows I'm here.   But if there were only one thing that I could change in life....that would be it.  I would have kept my baby girl.

And there are other things that I learned as I aged.  There are plenty of people out there that can't have children....and sometimes people in bad situations like I was are their only hope.  My young mistake was someone else's miracle.  So although I thought of myself as a monster for a while....I eventually matured enough to leave that kind of thinking behind, and appreciate my hand in having another couple's dream come true....the blessing of a child. 

I'll complete the rest of the requirements and pass this award on to 6 others in my post tomorrow.  :)