Sunday, October 10, 2010
Puppy Festival
We took Scarlette to a puppy festival on Saturday. There was a costume contest and we entered her. She won 3rd place. Momma's precious little pumpkin. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I Have No Business Posting
I really have no business posting on here because as I told my friend Pam a little while ago, I just can't think of anything nice to say. BUT. I have to get all this sh*t out of my head and written down somewhere, and for the last year and 3 months...it's been this blog. This post is for me guys, just to release some toxicity. My meds have not yet had a chance to take affect...that usually takes a good 2-3 weeks, so things are still very dark in my little world. I know things will get better soon though....that's the hope I'm holding on to.
So....I leave the dr's ofc last Friday and I'm driving back to work and re-hasing in my mind everything that I talked about with the doc. That's when I realized I told him a complete and total LIE. I lied right to his face...but just didn't realize I was doing it at the time.
I told him I'd been on the Zoloft before and that I have a chemical imbalance in the brain...no real reason to be crying every single day...but I am. So I wanted to go back on the meds. He said, "So you don't have what we call Situational Depression....caused by certain events/happenings in your life." And I said "no"...just a chemical imbalance.
LIE. LIE. LIE.
It is true that I've been depressed for years....even when things were on the "up" and all areas seemed to be gliding along pretty nicely. Had a good job, made enough to pay my bills AND buy Christmas presents for friends and family....in a good relationship....everyone around me doing food....no major stressors, etc.
But...this time around, I DO have SEVERAL situations that affect my mood swings/crying spells. But I think the reason I didn't think to mention them is because they seem to always be there....or they've been there for so long now that they've just become the thread in the fabric of my life.
We already know the weight problem is probably my #1 depressing issue. There are other things that I think about on a daily basis though that really bring me down, and keep me there.
I have 2 family members that have incurable diseases. Not fatal mind you...but incurable...and it saddens me. I can't help them. All I can do is watch them suffer. Their diseases are "somewhat" manageable...but they both are affected in a terrible way....their quality of life is so diminished and restricted, and changed forever. I won't name them...they deserve their privacy and I will protect it....but I think of them every day. Every single day. And I cry for them. I've always been one to take on another's pain and imagine myself in their situation....I just don't know how not to. Mom would probably call this "borrowing trouble". I don't mean to....I just don't know how to "not" do it. I'm a worrier...for sure. They are my loved ones...I would die for either of them....family is most near and dear to my heart above all else.
I've used every ounce of humility and strength I can muster up to continue to be appreciative of having a job. This economy absolutely sucks a$$...that's all there is to it. I was unemployed for a year and four months. 16 months of absolute hell. Talk about being in the abyss. I can't even tell you how many of those days I spent in tears, staring at the 4 walls, PRAYING for a job...even scrubbing toilets...just let me get back in the workforce and feel like I belong again. You feel invisible when you've been unemployed for that long...like the world has forgotten you and like you'll never be able to find a job again. You've been out of work for so long that you fear potential employers will take one look at your resume and how long you've been out of work, and throw it right in the trash without a second glance. That was real fear...and real depression.
The money part of the unemployment was hard. It was really hard. And I had a roommate at the time that paid half the rent and half of all of the utilities, as well as all of the groceries. There was just no room in my budget for groceries.
Now, thanks to my old roommate's wife, Billie, I have a job. And I'm thankful for the job..for her getting me out of my house. She knew I was going crazy...and she knew Shane and her were getting married, and I would no longer have a roommate. I needed a job in the worst way. And she hired me. I am thankful. She is my supervisor...but not the main boss. Our boss' name is Scott...and he threatened all of us last week w/ part-time hours. He bought this company in January of this year. We do insurance adjuster work...if we don't have major storms, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc...then we don't make a lot of profit. In fact, this has been such a quiet year weather-wise, that we're actually LOSING money. That's not good. Scott's partners down in Ft. Lauderdale threatened him....so now he's threatening us. If business doesn't pick up (which we have no control over), he's cutting our hours in half. Ummmm.....yeah.
What I make now is $1.00 more an hour than I made on unemployment, PLUS..I lost my roommate. So now instead of paying half the rent and half the utilites....I'm paying it ALL. So in truth, I'm having a HARDER time financially now than when I was unemployed and had a roommate. It's incredibly frustrating and defeating to have things get harder instead of better. There's always something I can't pay. When you take your 2 checks that you get each month, substract all of the living expenses, and there's $10 left over....that leaves nothing for the things that always pop up. For instance, my car insurance that I pay every 6 months is due in 2 weeks. $262. My budget says I have $10. Enter Dwayne. Bless his heart. He is the only reason I even have an inch of sanity left. The only reason.
There's more stress in other areas but you get the idea. And what do I always want to do to relive the stress and ease the depression? Eat. Add on top of the other stress, add all the stress I feel to MAKE MYSELF NOT EAT the wrong things....or just too much of something. Oh and did I mention my cycle/PCOS that I deal with every month.....how my cycle last for 2 weeks....not a week like a normal person? And how due to the PCOS the cramps feel more like pregnancy contractions....and how the hormones are WAY out of whack and the mood swings are just insane...and how I blow up like the Goodyear blimp and how Pamprin might as well be a sugar pill for all the good it does? Well...mine started on Sunday....so yeah. Got on the scale this morning for the first time since last Fri. Last Fri I was 246.2 lbs. This morning I'm 248....and that's staying at 1800 cals/day. I've wanted to eat and eat and eat but I haven't. I've restricted myself...I've endured the cramping and the bloating and the mood swings and the knowledge that I've got another week or more to go....and I have a 2 lb gain to show for it mid-week. Yes...I go through this every single month. I bitch about it every month. Sometimes life is just too effing hard and you've got to get it out.
Now I'm told that when you lose your weight, that the PCOS symptoms all but disappear. I certainly hope that's true....oh I pray for that one day. For now, I'm just trying to keep it between the lines until I can see brighter days ahead. Come on meds...hurry up and kick in. I need you.
So....I leave the dr's ofc last Friday and I'm driving back to work and re-hasing in my mind everything that I talked about with the doc. That's when I realized I told him a complete and total LIE. I lied right to his face...but just didn't realize I was doing it at the time.
I told him I'd been on the Zoloft before and that I have a chemical imbalance in the brain...no real reason to be crying every single day...but I am. So I wanted to go back on the meds. He said, "So you don't have what we call Situational Depression....caused by certain events/happenings in your life." And I said "no"...just a chemical imbalance.
LIE. LIE. LIE.
It is true that I've been depressed for years....even when things were on the "up" and all areas seemed to be gliding along pretty nicely. Had a good job, made enough to pay my bills AND buy Christmas presents for friends and family....in a good relationship....everyone around me doing food....no major stressors, etc.
But...this time around, I DO have SEVERAL situations that affect my mood swings/crying spells. But I think the reason I didn't think to mention them is because they seem to always be there....or they've been there for so long now that they've just become the thread in the fabric of my life.
We already know the weight problem is probably my #1 depressing issue. There are other things that I think about on a daily basis though that really bring me down, and keep me there.
I have 2 family members that have incurable diseases. Not fatal mind you...but incurable...and it saddens me. I can't help them. All I can do is watch them suffer. Their diseases are "somewhat" manageable...but they both are affected in a terrible way....their quality of life is so diminished and restricted, and changed forever. I won't name them...they deserve their privacy and I will protect it....but I think of them every day. Every single day. And I cry for them. I've always been one to take on another's pain and imagine myself in their situation....I just don't know how not to. Mom would probably call this "borrowing trouble". I don't mean to....I just don't know how to "not" do it. I'm a worrier...for sure. They are my loved ones...I would die for either of them....family is most near and dear to my heart above all else.
I've used every ounce of humility and strength I can muster up to continue to be appreciative of having a job. This economy absolutely sucks a$$...that's all there is to it. I was unemployed for a year and four months. 16 months of absolute hell. Talk about being in the abyss. I can't even tell you how many of those days I spent in tears, staring at the 4 walls, PRAYING for a job...even scrubbing toilets...just let me get back in the workforce and feel like I belong again. You feel invisible when you've been unemployed for that long...like the world has forgotten you and like you'll never be able to find a job again. You've been out of work for so long that you fear potential employers will take one look at your resume and how long you've been out of work, and throw it right in the trash without a second glance. That was real fear...and real depression.
The money part of the unemployment was hard. It was really hard. And I had a roommate at the time that paid half the rent and half of all of the utilities, as well as all of the groceries. There was just no room in my budget for groceries.
Now, thanks to my old roommate's wife, Billie, I have a job. And I'm thankful for the job..for her getting me out of my house. She knew I was going crazy...and she knew Shane and her were getting married, and I would no longer have a roommate. I needed a job in the worst way. And she hired me. I am thankful. She is my supervisor...but not the main boss. Our boss' name is Scott...and he threatened all of us last week w/ part-time hours. He bought this company in January of this year. We do insurance adjuster work...if we don't have major storms, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc...then we don't make a lot of profit. In fact, this has been such a quiet year weather-wise, that we're actually LOSING money. That's not good. Scott's partners down in Ft. Lauderdale threatened him....so now he's threatening us. If business doesn't pick up (which we have no control over), he's cutting our hours in half. Ummmm.....yeah.
What I make now is $1.00 more an hour than I made on unemployment, PLUS..I lost my roommate. So now instead of paying half the rent and half the utilites....I'm paying it ALL. So in truth, I'm having a HARDER time financially now than when I was unemployed and had a roommate. It's incredibly frustrating and defeating to have things get harder instead of better. There's always something I can't pay. When you take your 2 checks that you get each month, substract all of the living expenses, and there's $10 left over....that leaves nothing for the things that always pop up. For instance, my car insurance that I pay every 6 months is due in 2 weeks. $262. My budget says I have $10. Enter Dwayne. Bless his heart. He is the only reason I even have an inch of sanity left. The only reason.
There's more stress in other areas but you get the idea. And what do I always want to do to relive the stress and ease the depression? Eat. Add on top of the other stress, add all the stress I feel to MAKE MYSELF NOT EAT the wrong things....or just too much of something. Oh and did I mention my cycle/PCOS that I deal with every month.....how my cycle last for 2 weeks....not a week like a normal person? And how due to the PCOS the cramps feel more like pregnancy contractions....and how the hormones are WAY out of whack and the mood swings are just insane...and how I blow up like the Goodyear blimp and how Pamprin might as well be a sugar pill for all the good it does? Well...mine started on Sunday....so yeah. Got on the scale this morning for the first time since last Fri. Last Fri I was 246.2 lbs. This morning I'm 248....and that's staying at 1800 cals/day. I've wanted to eat and eat and eat but I haven't. I've restricted myself...I've endured the cramping and the bloating and the mood swings and the knowledge that I've got another week or more to go....and I have a 2 lb gain to show for it mid-week. Yes...I go through this every single month. I bitch about it every month. Sometimes life is just too effing hard and you've got to get it out.
Now I'm told that when you lose your weight, that the PCOS symptoms all but disappear. I certainly hope that's true....oh I pray for that one day. For now, I'm just trying to keep it between the lines until I can see brighter days ahead. Come on meds...hurry up and kick in. I need you.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Lab Results
I got my lab results back today. When I started my blog I was 272 lbs. and did NO exercise. I was taking 2 different meds for diabetes, a pill for high cholesterol and a pill for high blood pressure. My triglycerides were over 700. My blood pressure was 147/100 or so, and my A1C (diabetes) was around 9.
Here are today's results:
Kidney function normal
Liver function normal
Thyroid normal
A1C is 6.9...desired goal is less than 6.5 but according to doc it's "still quite good" w/o any meds.
B/P was 116/74
Total Cholesterol is 140; desired goal is under 200
LDL (bad) Cholesterol is 69; desired goal is under 130
HDL (good) Cholesterol is 22; desired goal is greater than 50 (need more exercise)
Triglyceride is 244; desired goal is under 150 (still WAY down from 700)
All in all, I'm doing much better. I'm still off of all of my meds except the thyroid med which has to be taken for life. And I'm starting back on Zoloft for sanity purposes. :) It's kind of cool to have hard evidence like this to show me just how far I've come since my highest weight of 340 lbs. when I developed all of the health problems. As hard of a time as I'm having right now to move on down the scale...I've still come a long ass way, and that's something I'm proud of. :)
Here are today's results:
Kidney function normal
Liver function normal
Thyroid normal
A1C is 6.9...desired goal is less than 6.5 but according to doc it's "still quite good" w/o any meds.
B/P was 116/74
Total Cholesterol is 140; desired goal is under 200
LDL (bad) Cholesterol is 69; desired goal is under 130
HDL (good) Cholesterol is 22; desired goal is greater than 50 (need more exercise)
Triglyceride is 244; desired goal is under 150 (still WAY down from 700)
All in all, I'm doing much better. I'm still off of all of my meds except the thyroid med which has to be taken for life. And I'm starting back on Zoloft for sanity purposes. :) It's kind of cool to have hard evidence like this to show me just how far I've come since my highest weight of 340 lbs. when I developed all of the health problems. As hard of a time as I'm having right now to move on down the scale...I've still come a long ass way, and that's something I'm proud of. :)
Friday, October 1, 2010
Update on Dwayne, Meds, Etc.
Hi everyone. Wow, can I stir up some shit or what? lol Hey listen, for all of you who took the time to comment on yesterday's post, a great big thank you. Everything that was said was appreciated. I'll touch on a couple of things.
To those of you who were keen enough to look past his weight comment and catch on to the fact that it's more his fear of commitment....you were spot on. To whoever thought I may be going on the meds because of him or his problem with my weight...that's incorrect. I posted about a month ago that I've had problems with depression since my teenage years....that I've been on Zoloft before, and that I think I need to go back on it again. I have a chemical imbalance, and that's why I got an Rx today to go back on the anti-depressant. While Dwayne's comment certainly doesn't help matters...it's not the basis of me going on the medicine. I've always needed it, I just haven't always taken it.
A lot of you brought up a lot of questions that I've already wondered myself, but have just never asked him before. What if I gained weight again after marriage...would he divorce me? What if I got in an accident and lost a leg? What if I got cancer...would he dump me then because the "outside" was more important than the "inside"? Well.....thanks to all of you...I found the courage to ask him. I wanted to wait until tonight when I saw him face to face but got tired of all of it swirling around in my brain, so I emailed him a little while ago. He answered. He in fact does love me just the way I am now. He said no, he would not divorce me if I were to gain my weight back, and no, he most certainly would not leave me if I had some tragedy happen to me where I ended up deformed/incapacitated, etc. He basically said that his love that he has for me right this moment will not change if I choose to not lose another pound. In fact, he told me if I'm happy where I'm at right now, then don't lose another pound. He's not going anywhere either way.
I would have to write a small novel to tell you all the things he does on a daily basis to let me know how much he cares...the little stuff, the big things, etc. Nobody can possibly know what I know, and I knew that when I wrote that post. I've almost wrote that post 100 different times before, but didn't have the guts to expose that much of my heart. Yesterday, I was tired of hiding the secret....I believe it ties into my mental blocks with the weight loss...and I finally put it out on my weight loss blog. I'm glad I did. I feel better. It doesn't feel like a dirty little secret anymore...and most importantly, it led to a very much needed dialogue today between me and Dwayne.
Someone asked yesterday if I was okay being the woman that was still dating him in 10 years, and not married. Yes. I'm very much okay with that. I believe when I wrote the post called "Dwayne and Taxes...A Love Story" that I explained I'm ok if we never officially get married. I said then that I don't question his love...and I still don't. I know very well, after 6 years of togetherness, what all of Dwayne's faults and flaws are. The one I discussed yesterday hurts me directly...most of them don't. I chose a long time ago to accept him the way he is...because whether he does or not...I believe in unconditional love. That's not going to change about me.
Some people asked about future children. Dwayne mentioned to me a few years ago that he'd like to see me get to a healthy weight to where I could have and take care of children. He wants one child. I decided at the age of 30 that I'm okay with not having any of my own. This has to do with my depression issues...job lay offs...not finishing my education...making too little money....the list goes on and on and on. I know that if you actually have one...you learn to make it work...and if that happened, of course I would. But after Brittany, the child I gave up for adoption when I was 18....I'm also the poster girl for birth control...so the chances are slim unless I make the conscious effort to try and get pregnant. The child issue is still up in the air. He still wants one....he knows I'm ok if we don't have one. He's certainly not pressing the issue since we're not even married. Given that I'm 38 and he's 40...I don't see it happening at this point. Besides, I already have 5 nieces and nephews to spoil and send back home....that's my kinda' child-raisin'. ;)
I don't excuse him for his feelings about my weight. I told him how shallow, superficial and hurtful those views are. I also told him he's no skinny minnie and he could stand to lose about 50 lbs. himself. I believe he's done some thinking of his own over the last couple of days because he told me today that he loves me whether or not I lose another lb. I believe him when he says that. He also knows that me losing weight has nothing to do with him or what he wants. He knows that if he were my reason...I would have had this weight gone 5 years ago. I think the fact that I'm 246 lbs. today proves that he is not my reason...never will be. So for those of you who feared that I would start today on some kind of weirdo crash diet to "please" him? Shit ain't happenin'.
Dwayne, Scarlette and I are a family...not perfect...not always happy...and sometimes we say some really stupid shit to each other. But we stick together...we communicate daily...we care...and we're committted. I will continue to post things on this blog that I think are connected to my weight loss/gain, and I will continue to welcome your input. It was because of all of you that I confronted him today. Thank you for that. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend...make it a healthy one. :)
P.S. My dr's appt. went very well. Did my bloodwork, got a prescription for the Zoloft, and the best news of all...my blood pressure reading was 116/74. Not bad for a fat girl who still has 75 lbs. to lose. :)
To those of you who were keen enough to look past his weight comment and catch on to the fact that it's more his fear of commitment....you were spot on. To whoever thought I may be going on the meds because of him or his problem with my weight...that's incorrect. I posted about a month ago that I've had problems with depression since my teenage years....that I've been on Zoloft before, and that I think I need to go back on it again. I have a chemical imbalance, and that's why I got an Rx today to go back on the anti-depressant. While Dwayne's comment certainly doesn't help matters...it's not the basis of me going on the medicine. I've always needed it, I just haven't always taken it.
A lot of you brought up a lot of questions that I've already wondered myself, but have just never asked him before. What if I gained weight again after marriage...would he divorce me? What if I got in an accident and lost a leg? What if I got cancer...would he dump me then because the "outside" was more important than the "inside"? Well.....thanks to all of you...I found the courage to ask him. I wanted to wait until tonight when I saw him face to face but got tired of all of it swirling around in my brain, so I emailed him a little while ago. He answered. He in fact does love me just the way I am now. He said no, he would not divorce me if I were to gain my weight back, and no, he most certainly would not leave me if I had some tragedy happen to me where I ended up deformed/incapacitated, etc. He basically said that his love that he has for me right this moment will not change if I choose to not lose another pound. In fact, he told me if I'm happy where I'm at right now, then don't lose another pound. He's not going anywhere either way.
I would have to write a small novel to tell you all the things he does on a daily basis to let me know how much he cares...the little stuff, the big things, etc. Nobody can possibly know what I know, and I knew that when I wrote that post. I've almost wrote that post 100 different times before, but didn't have the guts to expose that much of my heart. Yesterday, I was tired of hiding the secret....I believe it ties into my mental blocks with the weight loss...and I finally put it out on my weight loss blog. I'm glad I did. I feel better. It doesn't feel like a dirty little secret anymore...and most importantly, it led to a very much needed dialogue today between me and Dwayne.
Someone asked yesterday if I was okay being the woman that was still dating him in 10 years, and not married. Yes. I'm very much okay with that. I believe when I wrote the post called "Dwayne and Taxes...A Love Story" that I explained I'm ok if we never officially get married. I said then that I don't question his love...and I still don't. I know very well, after 6 years of togetherness, what all of Dwayne's faults and flaws are. The one I discussed yesterday hurts me directly...most of them don't. I chose a long time ago to accept him the way he is...because whether he does or not...I believe in unconditional love. That's not going to change about me.
Some people asked about future children. Dwayne mentioned to me a few years ago that he'd like to see me get to a healthy weight to where I could have and take care of children. He wants one child. I decided at the age of 30 that I'm okay with not having any of my own. This has to do with my depression issues...job lay offs...not finishing my education...making too little money....the list goes on and on and on. I know that if you actually have one...you learn to make it work...and if that happened, of course I would. But after Brittany, the child I gave up for adoption when I was 18....I'm also the poster girl for birth control...so the chances are slim unless I make the conscious effort to try and get pregnant. The child issue is still up in the air. He still wants one....he knows I'm ok if we don't have one. He's certainly not pressing the issue since we're not even married. Given that I'm 38 and he's 40...I don't see it happening at this point. Besides, I already have 5 nieces and nephews to spoil and send back home....that's my kinda' child-raisin'. ;)
I don't excuse him for his feelings about my weight. I told him how shallow, superficial and hurtful those views are. I also told him he's no skinny minnie and he could stand to lose about 50 lbs. himself. I believe he's done some thinking of his own over the last couple of days because he told me today that he loves me whether or not I lose another lb. I believe him when he says that. He also knows that me losing weight has nothing to do with him or what he wants. He knows that if he were my reason...I would have had this weight gone 5 years ago. I think the fact that I'm 246 lbs. today proves that he is not my reason...never will be. So for those of you who feared that I would start today on some kind of weirdo crash diet to "please" him? Shit ain't happenin'.
Dwayne, Scarlette and I are a family...not perfect...not always happy...and sometimes we say some really stupid shit to each other. But we stick together...we communicate daily...we care...and we're committted. I will continue to post things on this blog that I think are connected to my weight loss/gain, and I will continue to welcome your input. It was because of all of you that I confronted him today. Thank you for that. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend...make it a healthy one. :)
P.S. My dr's appt. went very well. Did my bloodwork, got a prescription for the Zoloft, and the best news of all...my blood pressure reading was 116/74. Not bad for a fat girl who still has 75 lbs. to lose. :)
Weigh-In
This is the pic of my weigh-in from last Friday that I couldn't get to post....245.8.
This is my weigh-in this morning...246.2. I gained .4 of a lb this week.
I've had a rough week. The fact that I didn't give in to the urge to binge is a victory I'm going to claim this week. I'm off to the dr's ofc now. Have a good weekend everyone.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Dwayne Hates My Fat
Hi. I have a dr's appt. tomorrow morning to have bloodwork done for my diabetes, cholesterol, triglycerides, thyroid, etc...routine crap. Instead of just a bloodwork appt...I asked for an actual appt with the doctor. I'm going to ask him to go on Zoloft, an anti-depressant.
I plan on posting my weigh-ins on Fridays, good or bad, but other than that, I really shouldn't be on here blabbing about everything in my head until I get leveled out on some meds.
Oh..and one more thing. Dwayne and I had a conversation last night about the future. Note: we've been dating 6 years as of this past August. He told me 3 years ago that he didn't want to marry me until I'd lost all of my weight. That's his one sticking point with me...everything else is wonderful and I'm amazing and all that happy horseshit. Well as of our conversation last night....nothing has changed in the last 3 years. He apologized for his indecisiveness and my "wait"....but he still feels the same. Loves me, doesn't want to date anyone else...wants to marry me....when I drop the rest of my weight.
Unfortunately for him, I didn't feel like protecting this side of him anymore. Now everyone knows. Yes...I'm responsible for my weight problem all by myself....but I do believe this is an outside force that affects my failed attempts at the weight loss....not in and of itself....this isn't the only issue....but I do believe it to be a major factor. I stay at odds in my mind. He's always loving on me and kissing on me, telling me he loves me all the time...at my house every single day...hardly ever hangs out with his friends anymore...makes sure my every need is covered financially if I fall short with my own money....yet....I'm too fat to marry. Why am I still with him? Because if I were to list 100 things about him...this is the 1 thing that truly sucks. I love the other 99. The odds have fallen in his favor that I'm not going anywhere. Yes, I know what this says about me. I need to get on some meds. Can't wait til tomorrow morning.
I plan on posting my weigh-ins on Fridays, good or bad, but other than that, I really shouldn't be on here blabbing about everything in my head until I get leveled out on some meds.
Oh..and one more thing. Dwayne and I had a conversation last night about the future. Note: we've been dating 6 years as of this past August. He told me 3 years ago that he didn't want to marry me until I'd lost all of my weight. That's his one sticking point with me...everything else is wonderful and I'm amazing and all that happy horseshit. Well as of our conversation last night....nothing has changed in the last 3 years. He apologized for his indecisiveness and my "wait"....but he still feels the same. Loves me, doesn't want to date anyone else...wants to marry me....when I drop the rest of my weight.
Unfortunately for him, I didn't feel like protecting this side of him anymore. Now everyone knows. Yes...I'm responsible for my weight problem all by myself....but I do believe this is an outside force that affects my failed attempts at the weight loss....not in and of itself....this isn't the only issue....but I do believe it to be a major factor. I stay at odds in my mind. He's always loving on me and kissing on me, telling me he loves me all the time...at my house every single day...hardly ever hangs out with his friends anymore...makes sure my every need is covered financially if I fall short with my own money....yet....I'm too fat to marry. Why am I still with him? Because if I were to list 100 things about him...this is the 1 thing that truly sucks. I love the other 99. The odds have fallen in his favor that I'm not going anywhere. Yes, I know what this says about me. I need to get on some meds. Can't wait til tomorrow morning.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Checking Out
I'll be back later....probably. Take care friends. :)
***UPDATE***
Sorry guys....I think I might have picked the wrong title for this post since everyone's asking if I'm ok. I'm still alive...but I'm just not feelin' the blog anymore. I'm tired of the fight....so I'm going to stop fighting...at least for now. Maybe I'll feel better next week...maybe I won't. I can't make any promises to anyone, least of all myself. Thanks for asking...be good to yourselves. I'll miss you. :)
***UPDATE***
Sorry guys....I think I might have picked the wrong title for this post since everyone's asking if I'm ok. I'm still alive...but I'm just not feelin' the blog anymore. I'm tired of the fight....so I'm going to stop fighting...at least for now. Maybe I'll feel better next week...maybe I won't. I can't make any promises to anyone, least of all myself. Thanks for asking...be good to yourselves. I'll miss you. :)
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