A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dwayne Hates My Fat

Hi.  I have a dr's appt. tomorrow morning to have bloodwork done for my diabetes, cholesterol, triglycerides, thyroid, etc...routine crap.  Instead of just a bloodwork appt...I asked for an actual appt with the doctor.  I'm going to ask him to go on Zoloft, an anti-depressant. 

I plan on posting my weigh-ins on Fridays, good or bad, but other than that, I really shouldn't be on here blabbing about everything in my head until I get leveled out on some meds.

Oh..and one more thing.  Dwayne and I had a conversation last night about the future.  Note: we've been dating 6 years as of this past August.  He told me 3 years ago that he didn't want to marry me until I'd lost all of my weight.  That's his one sticking point with me...everything else is wonderful and I'm amazing and all that happy horseshit.  Well as of our conversation last night....nothing has changed in the last 3 years.  He apologized for his indecisiveness and my "wait"....but he still feels the same.  Loves me, doesn't want to date anyone else...wants to marry me....when I drop the rest of my weight. 

Unfortunately for him, I didn't feel like protecting this side of him anymore.  Now everyone knows.  Yes...I'm responsible for my weight problem all by myself....but I do believe this is an outside force that affects my failed attempts at the weight loss....not in and of itself....this isn't the only issue....but I do believe it to be a major factor.  I stay at odds in my mind.  He's always loving on me and kissing on me, telling me he loves me all the time...at my house every single day...hardly ever hangs out with his friends anymore...makes sure my every need is covered financially if I fall short with my own money....yet....I'm too fat to marry.  Why am I still with him?  Because if I were to list 100 things about him...this is the 1 thing that truly sucks.  I love the other 99.  The odds have fallen in his favor that I'm not going anywhere.  Yes, I know what this says about me.  I need to get on some meds.  Can't wait til tomorrow morning.


  1. Wait a minute. He said what, and you said what, and OMG.. And they say that I can open a shit storm..Send him to me for a minute or two to straighten this out.. I have never been at a loss for words, and this is close...

  2. Speaking perfectly bluntly, lose this creep. You are far too nice to not be liked 100% -- and if he chooses THIS as the 1% he dislikes, that says way more about him and his insecurities.

    Think about it -- when you DO lose the weight (which you will do), is THIS JERK what you want to reward yourself with? Some loser who thought you weren't good enough before but is fine with you after you hit your goal weight? Hell of a reward for doing all that hard work, to get saddled with a jerk!

    Before you drop the weight you want to drop now, you've got what looks like 250 or so pounds of other useless fat to drop first. Seriously. Cut him loose.

  3. I am not going to go off on a tirade...because I know that both of you love each other...you wouldn't be with him this long (and he with you) if the wait was truly about the weight...I think that it's something else...and because he knows that you are not satisfied with your weight--he can use that as an excuse to wait. I think that it's good that you had the conversation--even though you may not think so right now...

    Just know that we all love and support you here...and if there's anything that I can do to help (when this boot is off of my foot...I am going to head to the gym with you every waking moment that I can squeeze it in!), I am there!!!

    Here's a big hug from me to you...:)

  4. Oh, you brilliant, beautiful woman!! I gotta tell you the truth about Wayne and how he says that your weigh is the one reason he does not want to marry you. He is lying. He loves you, he even loves your fat body right now - he loves you just the way you are! He cannot admit that you, you in all your fat glory are his total cup of tea!!! Why? Because him loving you as you are does not fit his idea of who HE is as a man!! it is not about you at all. His problem is all about him.
    AND - the more you accept and love yourself the easier it will be for him to be honest with himself... or he will just peel off you like a healed sore and you will attract the man who loves you as you are and are becoming.
    I was married to a man who said he wanted me to become thinner... and yet, my big luscious body at all fat weights turned him on totally, and when I got close to goal he would sabotage me seriously. He never could admit he liked my body. I could never like it, so how could he admit it to me???
    Choosing to live with someone who disapproves of you is painful. Even when his disapproval is a lie.
    Of course, this is my comment, so it is really all about me. So, take what works for you and leave the rest. I post with the best of intentions.

  5. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that he said that, and I'm sorry you think (thought) you need to put up with it. It may be only one thing out of 100 that you don't like, but it is such a big deal. "For better or for worse...in sickness and in health," are part of marriage vows for a reason. By telling you he won't marry you until you lose weight, he is saying that I will love you only for "better" and "health," and not unpleasant "worse" and "sickness." Have you asked him hypothetically what would happen if you lose the weight, and then gain it back? He's being awfully blunt with you, so dish it right back. Sigh, you deserve better.

  6. Tammy,
    I read along a lot and I always wish you the best, but I don't comment much at all. This time I have to. I want to send you a hug and all the positive thoughts that I can. It seems like you are having a really rough time lately and I really hope you find what you need to help you along. I agree with the above comment - Dwayne's issue is more about him than you, for sure. But I am sure it hurts to hear it, so I am sending a hug and wishing you all the very best :)

  7. This reminds of the situation on Ruby -the style channel show though there were other betrayals against Ruby that were made. I don't have any advice to give, but it sounds like Dwayne needs to do some figuring out about what is really important to him. Finding a relationship that works in all the ways yours does is not easy . I'm sure this is a tremendous pressure pulling at you from different directiono {{{Hugs}} So glad you are seeing the doc and hopefully can get started on some meds. My husband loved me at my biggest and admits that he now misses the bigger booty / boobies. That's the otherside of the coin.

  8. Wow! I honestly don't know what to say, or how I would react if I were you. I wish you nothing but happiness and send out positive vibes to you!!

  9. OH, Tammy. No wonder you feel so conflicted and pressured.

    Now, as you know, I am hardly someone who should judge or give advise another woman about her relationship. I have demons of my own in that area. So I am keeping my nose out of that aspect of your post.

    What I will say is this, I admire your desire and determination to take your physical and mental health into your own two very strong, capable hands and make yourself healthy. And I will also say that you are a beautiful, strong and special woman who deserves to be totally and unconditionally loved.

  10. I hope you get what you need out of your doctor's appointment. I know you've been struggling lately and maybe the medication will help with that.

    Bill and I have been together for over 27 years and although I was just a young teen with a smokin' hot body when we met I've been up and down the scale over the years (mostly UP). I know he would prefer it if I lost the weight but deep down I know he loves me no matter what my size even if he has made similar comments.

    I don't know Dwayne personally and I really don't think everyone should be bashing him for being honest but I wonder if he truly is being honest with you. He says he won't marry you until you lose weight but then he does everything he can to keep you from doing just that. He tempts you with all the crappy food he likes to eat and doesn't want to support you by compromising on what you have for dinner and wants you to go on vacation and not worry or talk about calories or healthy foods. On some level I think he may not be ready for marriage and your weight is just a convenient excuse for him to use. I could be way off here but maybe you can ask him if he really wants you to lose weight why isn't he more supportive of your weight loss efforts.

    In the end, I hope that healthy eating, exercise and LOVE conquers all.

  11. I know Dwayne loves you, because Ive been reading for a while and have witnessed all that he does for you. I really really liked Ellendoll's comment. It articulated just what I was thinking....this cant be about you and your physical self. Please, you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing already. Our outsides are not who we are. Since I met my husband I have yo-yo'd with my weight. I hate it with a passion because it affects how I feel about MYSELF and my confidence level which in turn affects how I interact with him in lots of ways but NEVER has it changed how he's loved me. This is what I hope for you. Our struggles with our weight are painful, lifelong learning processes and serious journeys. Those who love us do not need to make this more difficult, or place CONDITIONS on us based on the struggle.
    What would change for Dwayne if he were to marry you--just the fact that you'd be living together officially? I dont get it because aside from the separate residences it sounds as if you are very comitted to each other. So what would change for Dwayne??
    Sending you a big hug Tammy.

  12. I can't add much to what has already been said Tammy, except that I salute you for putting this out for your blog community to know about. It's a huge issue. Yes, his choices and decisions are about him. What just popped into my head is the portion of scripture in Corinthians that talks about love. Honestly - the Bible never pops up for me so I think it was planted there for me to channel it to you. Corinthians 1, Chapter 13. Read it through - you can google it.

    Mainly I want to say what Ice Queen said - that you are beautiful, kind, strong and DESERVE to be loved unconditionally. The biggest work is for you to come to know your worth in your heart of hearts.

  13. Oppression can feel like depression. Dump Dwayne and I bet you'll get off those meds before you can change the locks on your doors. Here's the thing...would he love you enough to marry you if you were in a car accident and couldn't walk anymore? Would he love you enough to marry you if you HAD lost the weight too quickly and had loose baggy skin? I agree with the previous post, Dwayne's take on your weight has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own insecurities. Finally, your Father sounds like a wise man. I wonder how he feels about your boyfriend setting conditions and rules about marrying his little girl....

  14. Tammy, that sucks. Sorry but it does. Have you ever aksed him what would happen if you lose the weight, get married then gain the weight back? Would he leave you?

    That's just not cool. Love is more than skin deep. We age. Parts start sagging, etc. If he can't love you completely now, then he never will. Sad, but true. Love yourself enough to know that.

    If you had a daughter and a man said the same thing to her, what advice would you give her? Just sayin.


  15. ...orrrrr maybe I'm being a little harsh. He may just be worried about your health and use marriage as the golden carrot to make you lose the weight. I dunno. You know him better than any of us.

    I wish you the very best and all happiness.

  16. HE SAID WHAT??????????????

    Wow. So, you're fine to be his woman in all ways but one--wife--cause you're fat. I mean, he doesn't mind the fat when doing the wild thing, right? And he doesn't mind going out with you fat. And he doesn't mind nursing you fat. But not marry.

    I find that so weird. I think he needs therapy or something. It makes no sense at all. Not at all. I'm guessing it's a big fat lie: He just doesn't want to marry, fear of commitment, excuse, whatever.

    I understand why you want him there--affection, financial support, dependable...

    But dang if that ain't some whack thing to tell the woman you're spending your days with.

    That would kill me emotionally.

  17. I totally agree with all the posts. However, I do know Dwayne, and I never saw that coming. You never told me that before, and by seeing the two of you together I would have never ever guessed that. I know that you have had problems in the past, but things always seemed to work out. I guess I only saw the other 99 things you love about him.

    I personally cannot give you advise on how to handle this, because I have been in the same place way too many times and always stayed there for some reason or another. But eventually there is always one straw that breaks the camels back.

    Just remember Shane and I are here for you if you need anything. Love you, girl.

  18. First off...thank you for sharing this part of your life.
    Like a few others, I don't think it's the weight issue.
    I think it's more a commitment issue.
    If he has his own place and helps you out financially...good.
    If he lives with you, I would hope he puts more into that arrangement then helping you out when you need financial help.
    My hubby and I both were in no hurry to marry after our divorces and it was ten years we lived together as husband and wife before we both wanted to marry.
    I had 7 children and he had 2.
    I'm assuming that Dwayne doesn't want any children and if that's fine with you I see no problem with it.
    Have heard or known of couples marrying for love and years down the road one was dumped.
    All for various reasons, infidelity, outgrown each other, a younger partner, and sometimes sadly a sickness or deformity to name a few.
    25 years and even later.
    There are no guarantees... happily ever after will be happily ever after.
    Marriages as well as relationships take alot of work.
    There is no such thing as a Rose Garden!
    I should know....if you have read my profile.
    If it is just this one thing that keeps Dwayne's score from being 100, I say he's a keeper.
    It's when the bad outweighs the good that it's time to go to the Dunp.
    That's just my own personal view.
    None of us are perfect.

  19. I am so very proud of you for laying this out there. Its been killing me that I have known this for so long and never told a soul. This admission is a huge thing.
    I know you have to know that I agree with most of this advice, and only hope that you get so damn hot that someone else comes along that knows how to truly treat you and knows what a treasure they have and you drop that pot bellied ass munch, because irony can be a beautiful thing in the right cricumstances.

  20. Tammy..you have way more courage than most people and I commend you for that. But here is my question..Dwayne is somewhat overweight too.. little belly you said...I guess that just gets overlooked in the quest to make you perfect? Hmm..Here is the thing..I agree with whoever said no way is this truly the issue because if it WAS the issue Dwayne would be doing everything under the sun to help you lose weight. He would be buying gym memberships, bribing you with things..he would be talking about when you lose the weight all the time..but he is not. He is comfortable with things the way they are but he needs a reason for not putting the relationship forward and since you have made your weakness known - you are it! Only you aren't, not really. You are strong and open and actively working on things about yourself that you know need to change for your continued good health. He may be a tad envious. Just let me repeat - girl, this is NOT about you. I have been there, done this and brought the tee shirt home..Fix this now but do not own it, it is not yours to own. Take care of you. Please.

  21. He's not helping her because when she hits goal, he'll actually have to pony up. Right now, he gets all the bennies of marriage and none of the downsides (having to make a commitment, etc.). He has every reason to sabotage you and continue to do so, and when you hit goal, if this jerk is still around, he'll come up with another excuse to weasel out I'm sure. That is the LAST thing you will need at a time when you should be focused on celebrating.

    And if he's not working on his own health and appearance, that says a lot to me. He expects to enjoy the benefits of YOU working your backside off (literally) to get in shape, but he's not giving you the same consideration?

    Drop him, darlin.

  22. He's just not THAT into you...

    1) If he hasn't asked you to marry him yet, he will not in the future.

    2) If you did lose the weight, he will always worry that you will gain it back. That will become the reason for not asking you in the future.

    3) He really doesn't want you to lose the weight. If he did, he would put forth an effort to eat better himself. He would "want" to be a team. You know deep in your heart he doesn't want to ever get married.

    If you are okay with all of this, then stay with him. Just know that in a few years time, you will be a woman who says she has had a boyfriend for "10" years. It will be here before you know it. Are you okay making that statement?

  23. Wait until you tell them all you posted this to get the haters off of me, and onto Dwayne.. Love that and thanks again....

  24. I agree with so much others have said here. Especially .. does he realize that once you lose the weight, there will be saggy layers of skin that were stretched out for so long? Will that be the next condition ... a tummy tuck?

    And the boobs are gonna go. Believe me, with the 86 pounds I've lost, my boobs have already gone down 2 sizes and I still have another 50 or so lbs to go!

    I do think it's a committment issue. Sit down with him, over a healthy dinner, and tell him that you'll be eating that way from now on. If he wants to eat junk, he can do it away from you IF he respects you. That you've set a REASONABLE goal for yourself (please don't go stick thin.. it's not healthy), you're getting healthy, and you'll be at your goal weight by [date] and you'd like to go on now and set a date for the wedding for 2/4/6 months after that (need time for dress fittings in your new size)! His response will tell you a lot.

    You deserve respect and love for who you are INSIDE. You are worth everything. Okay? Vee at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

  25. Oh HELL no!!! He can stay fat and not give a damn about what he looks like or puts into his body but YOU have to be little miss perfect size 6? I'm so upset right now I can't even think of a proper response. Lose him, Tammy. Anyone who does not want to marry you because of a number on the scale is NOT WORTH IT. I'm sorry if saying that is out of line, but through this blog I've grown to learn that you're a pretty amazing woman, and you don't need someone in your life saying you're not good enough to commit to just because you haven't lost all your weight yet. Especially when they themselves are nowhere near fit. And also, if he really wanted you to lose the weight so that he could marry you, he would be helping you a lot more than he has been, not hindering until you explicitly tell him that he has been. It seems like he doesn't want to commit and he's using the weight as an excuse because he knows it's something that's hard for you. Oh my gosh! Men! Gah! F*cking ridiculous...

  26. Lots of us are trying to look out for you Tammy.
    Just know we all mean well and want the best for you. (((hugs)))

  27. I agree with everything everyone said. I can imagine it being very, very difficult to leave this relationship, but if he doesn't get HIS head straightened out (because, yes, it's his problem, not yours), you will live in a state of constant anxiety, whether or not you lose weight.

    It's absolutely tragic to see the way he's treating you. Tragic.

  28. You could always poison him, and bury the... Oh my bad, wrong blog, sorry...

  29. You are not your "fat" you know. If he said he has concerns about your health it may be different. I am not hating though-you are making the choice to be with him too. And it sounds like he has done lots of really great stuff for you. Hmmm. Let me come back when I am done with my wine. ;)

  30. Everybody said it pretty well. You're brave to disclose. But think about your future. If being overweight is reason enough not to marry you, what would happen if you got really sick down the road, gained the weight back, became disabled, or had a special needs child? Could you rely on this man to be your partner in life?

  31. I think you should seek couples counselling. Tell him you won't be ready to marry HIM until he gets this issue sorted out. What's he going to do if you regain some of your weight after he marries you? He'd have to find another excuse. The problem is definitely with him not your weight. Counselling. please!

  32. Wow. I understand you love him. And frankly I have been dumped by guys probably because of my weight-since they went off with skinnier women. But the difference is they never said that to my face. I can't decide if that was good of him to be so honest, or if that is a soul-crushing thing to say to someone, and is something I could never get over hearing... Obviously this is your decision, but to me looking at it from his perspective, if that is the only 1 thing he doesn't like about you-then all the good stuff should trump the one bad thing, shouldn't it? If you are willing to overlook this crappy thing about him, shouldn't he forgive that of you? I know I couldn't do it and would have left after the first time he told me that, but I also know after 6 years it is hard to walk away from that history and love and all the good stuff. Feel free to email me anytime if you need a sounding board privately-polarspage@gmail.com

    Polar's Mom

  33. OMG Tammy ... kick his ass to the curb. What the hell is that all about. I'm so pissed off at that comment. You're too fat to marry but I bet you're not to fat to have sex with whenever he wants it. What a bastard. He feeds you crap food whenever he gets the chance and then talks about not wanting to marry you because you're fat. Bullshit! He has his own issues. He's obviously afraid of that commitment and this is a great excuse. Like the others say, what happens when you do lose the weight and have saggy skin from weight loss and age? I know you love him but really, c'mon what kind of a man lays that kind of crap on a woman he loves, but c'mon Tammy why would you take from him or any other man. I totally get it though, sometimes we lose ourselves along the way. I'm not trying to be a smart ass or anything, but maybe you need to talk to a professional about this. You deserve so much more than this. I hope you don't think taking antidepressants will make you feel like everything is OK. Please get some help and rid of Dwayne. Maybe he needs to look into his own issues before he tries passing on them onto you. Sorry if I sound harsh Tammy, but I'm so mad at this comment I could spit. You deserve so much more. Sending hugs!

  34. Hi, love, thank you for sharing.

    So glad you got yourself an appt. I hope that is very helpful. I'm guessin' it will be.

    I was going to go same thought "Inner" did. I thought about dear old Dad. I remember you took a very, very important decision to your father once. I'm sure more than once! But I am referring to the convo about WL surgery, pros and cons, yes or no. I know you really respected and appreciated his thoughts that time. I also know your Dad reads your blog. I wonder if this one made him wince. Probably it did in regard to knowing his baby girl is struggling right now, that is ouchie for Dad, & struggling so much so that she decided not to 'protect' that side of boyfriend anymore. Which may actually be a POSITIVE in her mental wellbeing....
    I should probably not muse aloud, but here goes...I wonder what would happen if you told boyfriend that you want to free him up to date others, [I know, it would be VERY hard!] bc your WL journey is a long process, and you should both be free to date others in the meanwhile, & you know how important your weight is to him. You do love him, you would love to have married him, 'Dwayne, pls don't think my not dropping lbs overnight means I didn't want to marry you, bc they are not connected. It is not a reflection of that. It does not mean I was not serious about wanting to marry you, but it is something I am working on. Since I really can't say when I might be at goal, I think it is best if we part. When I hit goal if we both still want to connect at that time, we can re-evaluate then." [did I make any sense at all here? ha] I know you were apart for a bit alittle while back, and I know it was almost impossible for you guys!

    Some of the comments here seem a little harsh toward someone who is 'low' right now...they probably don't seem like they are about lifting you up when you need that. But please know that these people really do mean well. Doesn't really seem like it, but we all love our Tammy, and they only mean to come to your defense. The commenters got their hackles up bc someone made a not nice remark!

    I know you're a bit glum overall right now, but I do hope you know how valuable and precious you are. You do know that, right? :) Please realize your self worth. I'm pretty sure you do. :)

    Getting REALLY personal here and you don't have to answer, but has D ever been married? Do you know if he WANTS to be?

    Meant in the kindest, most gentle and friendly way. Wish we were relaxing on a beach somewhere chatting. Picture that, that will be peaceful!
    You are loved dear girl.

  35. I agree with what Inner said. And with so many others.
    I married my hubby and was in a size 14. I had two babies and gained up to a size 24...my 22's were skin tight so I am being honest when I say I went up to a 24.
    I lost about 40 lbs and gained it back after I had my son.
    Yet my husband loved me and ALWAYS told me how beautiful I was.
    Now that I have lost almost 40 pounds he is happy for me but has never mentioned my weight, he has loved me for 16 years even as I continued to gain weight.
    I am sad that this man who says he loves you has made you feel this way.
    Relationships are hard...mine has not been perfect, I have made some changes and change is not easy for a man.
    My husband is insecure and personally I think he would rather I stay heavy. But it is not about him, it is about me. I have to do this for me, not him, not anybody else...other than my kids. They deserve to have a healthy Mom. A happy Mom. A fulfilled Mom. A Mom without high blood pressure and the fear of a heart attack before I turn 50. (I am 37).
    It's time for me to do this, not for a man, but for me!
    Hugs to you.
    I know you love him and love is not perfect by any means.
    You do this for YOU and if he is there, good, but if he is not, you can still do this!

  36. I also wanted to mention a coworker of mine whose husband insisted she lose weight, so she had gastric. And I am sorry to say she looked worse after she had it, it aged her 20 years. Then he wanted her to have a tummy tuck.
    And his fat ass needed to lose about 70 pounds. He was such a jerk, it just made me sick.

  37. He's not that into you. Classic case. And, what about his weight?????

  38. I could read all these comments but I won't. lol.
    What if you lost your legs?
    Would it be okay for him to not love you enough to marry you then?
    Marriage can be hell.
    You will go through times where neither of you will be looking or feeling your best.
    I would say (and this is just me...I am not you) saddling yourself with a man that trapped in the outside package may be a big recipe for heartache. commitment can't be contingent on the exterior package. You are both going to get old. He and you are going to have to take each other...for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.
    You have to hang your ego at the door, and being willing to roll with the punches, deal with the ups and downs of marriage.
    I hope you guys get this sorted before you lose another pound.
    Big hugs,

  39. This is a sticky situation if I ever saw one. Now, obviously I don't know you very well, and you don't know me very well, so anything I say is probably not going to have the same effect of anyone else that you know more personally. But this is my two cents...

    Here's the issue I have. He's unwilling to love you for "better or worse" which is one of the major points in a marriage. You're willing to go the extra mile to lose the weight, however, should you two ever break up, divorce, etc what do you think is the first thing that's going to happen? You'll gain most of it back more than likely. Why? Not because of emotional eating or anything like that, but because you're losing it *for him* not for yourself.

    Now let me expand upon this. People often lose weight for their husbands, boyfriends, children, etc. But the reason behind it is "I want to be more active" or "I don't want to die of a heart attack at the age of 35" etc. It's medical based or activity based, not based on the attitude of lose it or else.

    I've been with my fiance over 2 years. When we met I weighed 285 pounds. I'm down to 260. I've been losing not for him because he loves me regardless, but because I want to be healthier, and to have children and to fit into a nice wedding dress without feeling like I am 300 pounds in said dress. He rolls with the punches and my ups and downs in weight and supports my wish to lose weight but makes sure I understand that regardless of what the scale says, he wants to be with me.

    So my suggestion is to work out this snag, or lose him if he's unwilling to change. You are worth so much more than having someone unwilling to step up to the plate because you're unable to lose however many pounds. Just think though, if he's unwilling to be with you because of this little snaffu, what happens if you get really sick or disabled or something, will he walk away then?

    This is my favorite way to look at my weight, and it's something that's helped me deal with it over the years as I struggled with other issues in my life: Just because I am fat doesn't mean I'm not a person. It just means my heart is bigger than everyone else's.

    I hope you figure it out, be true to yourself and all other pieces fall into place.

  40. I think you need to learn to unconditionally love yourself first and then you will recognize unconditional love from someone else. If you were to get breast cancer and have a mastectomy, would he not want to marry you until you got breast implants? If you were going through chemo would he request that you wear a wig while you're with him? In the end, only you can decide if the benefits of having him your life outweigh this issue.

  41. Oh the irony should you lose the weight and decide to lose him too.