I Have No Business Posting

I really have no business posting on here because as I told my friend Pam a little while ago, I just can't think of anything nice to say.  BUT.  I have to get all this sh*t out of my head and written down somewhere, and for the last year and 3 months...it's been this blog.  This post is for me guys, just to release some toxicity.  My meds have not yet had a chance to take affect...that usually takes a good 2-3 weeks, so things are still very dark in my little world.  I know things will get better soon though....that's the hope I'm holding on to.

So....I leave the dr's ofc last Friday and I'm driving back to work and re-hasing in my mind everything that I talked about with the doc.  That's when I realized I told him a complete and total LIE.  I lied right to his face...but just didn't realize I was doing it at the time.

I told him I'd been on the Zoloft before and that I have a chemical imbalance in the brain...no real reason to be crying every single day...but I am.  So I wanted to go back on the meds.  He said, "So you don't have what we call Situational Depression....caused by certain events/happenings in your life."  And I said "no"...just a chemical imbalance. 

LIE.  LIE.  LIE.

It is true that I've been depressed for years....even when things were on the "up" and all areas seemed to be gliding along pretty nicely.  Had a good job, made enough to pay my bills AND buy Christmas presents for friends and family....in a good relationship....everyone around me doing food....no major stressors, etc. 

But...this time around, I DO have SEVERAL situations that affect my mood swings/crying spells.  But I think the reason I didn't think to mention them is because they seem to always be there....or they've been there for so long now that they've just become the thread in the fabric of my life. 

We already know the weight problem is probably my #1 depressing issue.  There are other things that I think about on a daily basis though that really bring me down, and keep me there. 

I have 2 family members that have incurable diseases.  Not fatal mind you...but incurable...and it saddens me.  I can't help them.  All I can do is watch them suffer.  Their diseases are "somewhat" manageable...but they both are affected in a terrible way....their quality of life is so diminished and restricted, and changed forever.  I won't name them...they deserve their privacy and I will protect it....but I think of them every day.  Every single day.  And I cry for them.  I've always been one to take on another's pain and imagine myself in their situation....I just don't know how not to.  Mom would probably call this "borrowing trouble".  I don't mean to....I just don't know how to "not" do it.  I'm a worrier...for sure.  They are my loved ones...I would die for either of them....family is most near and dear to my heart above all else. 

I've used every ounce of humility and strength I can muster up to continue to be appreciative of having a job.  This economy absolutely sucks a$$...that's all there is to it.  I was unemployed for a year and four months.  16 months of absolute hell.  Talk about being in the abyss.  I can't even tell you how many of those days I spent in tears, staring at the 4 walls, PRAYING for a job...even scrubbing toilets...just let me get back in the workforce and feel like I belong again.  You feel invisible when you've been unemployed for that long...like the world has forgotten you and like you'll never be able to find a job again.  You've been out of work for so long that you fear potential employers will take one look at your resume and how long you've been out of work, and throw it right in the trash without a second glance.  That was real fear...and real depression. 

The money part of the unemployment was hard.  It was really hard.  And I had a roommate at the time that paid half the rent and half of all of the utilities, as well as all of the groceries.  There was just no room in my budget for groceries. 

Now, thanks to my old roommate's wife, Billie, I have a job.  And I'm thankful for the job..for her getting me out of my house.  She knew I was going crazy...and she knew Shane and her were getting married, and I would no longer have a roommate.  I needed a job in the worst way.  And she hired me.  I am thankful.  She is my supervisor...but not the main boss.  Our boss' name is Scott...and he threatened all of us last week w/ part-time hours.  He bought this company in January of this year.  We do insurance adjuster work...if we don't have major storms, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc...then we don't make a lot of profit.  In fact, this has been such a quiet year weather-wise, that we're actually LOSING money.  That's not good.  Scott's partners down in Ft. Lauderdale threatened him....so now he's threatening us.  If business doesn't pick up (which we have no control over), he's cutting our hours in half.  Ummmm.....yeah.

What I make now is $1.00 more an hour than I made on unemployment, PLUS..I lost my roommate.  So now instead of paying half the rent and half the utilites....I'm paying it ALL.  So in truth, I'm having a HARDER time financially now than when I was unemployed and had a roommate.  It's incredibly frustrating and defeating to have things get harder instead of better.  There's always something I can't pay.  When you take your 2 checks that you get each month, substract all of the living expenses, and there's $10 left over....that leaves nothing for the things that always pop up.  For instance, my car insurance that I pay every 6 months is due in 2 weeks.  $262.  My budget says I have $10.  Enter Dwayne.  Bless his heart.  He is the only reason I even have an inch of sanity left.  The only reason.

There's more stress in other areas but you get the idea.  And what do I always want to do to relive the stress and ease the depression?  Eat.  Add on top of the other stress, add all the stress I feel to MAKE MYSELF NOT EAT the wrong things....or just too much of something.  Oh and did I mention my cycle/PCOS that I deal with every month.....how my cycle last for 2 weeks....not a week like a normal person?  And how due to the PCOS the cramps feel more like pregnancy contractions....and how the hormones are WAY out of whack and the mood swings are just insane...and how I blow up like the Goodyear blimp and how Pamprin might as well be a sugar pill for all the good it does?  Well...mine started on Sunday....so yeah.  Got on the scale this morning for the first time since last Fri.  Last Fri I was 246.2 lbs.  This morning I'm 248....and that's staying at 1800 cals/day.  I've wanted to eat and eat and eat but I haven't.  I've restricted myself...I've endured the cramping and the bloating and the mood swings and the knowledge that I've got another week or more to go....and I have a 2 lb gain to show for it mid-week.  Yes...I go through this every single month.  I bitch about it every month.  Sometimes life is just too effing hard and you've got to get it out.

Now I'm told that when you lose your weight, that the PCOS symptoms all but disappear.  I certainly hope that's true....oh I pray for that one day.  For now, I'm just trying to keep it between the lines until I can see brighter days ahead.  Come on meds...hurry up and kick in.  I need you.