A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I Have No Business Posting

I really have no business posting on here because as I told my friend Pam a little while ago, I just can't think of anything nice to say.  BUT.  I have to get all this sh*t out of my head and written down somewhere, and for the last year and 3 months...it's been this blog.  This post is for me guys, just to release some toxicity.  My meds have not yet had a chance to take affect...that usually takes a good 2-3 weeks, so things are still very dark in my little world.  I know things will get better soon though....that's the hope I'm holding on to.

So....I leave the dr's ofc last Friday and I'm driving back to work and re-hasing in my mind everything that I talked about with the doc.  That's when I realized I told him a complete and total LIE.  I lied right to his face...but just didn't realize I was doing it at the time.

I told him I'd been on the Zoloft before and that I have a chemical imbalance in the brain...no real reason to be crying every single day...but I am.  So I wanted to go back on the meds.  He said, "So you don't have what we call Situational Depression....caused by certain events/happenings in your life."  And I said "no"...just a chemical imbalance. 

LIE.  LIE.  LIE.

It is true that I've been depressed for years....even when things were on the "up" and all areas seemed to be gliding along pretty nicely.  Had a good job, made enough to pay my bills AND buy Christmas presents for friends and family....in a good relationship....everyone around me doing food....no major stressors, etc. 

But...this time around, I DO have SEVERAL situations that affect my mood swings/crying spells.  But I think the reason I didn't think to mention them is because they seem to always be there....or they've been there for so long now that they've just become the thread in the fabric of my life. 

We already know the weight problem is probably my #1 depressing issue.  There are other things that I think about on a daily basis though that really bring me down, and keep me there. 

I have 2 family members that have incurable diseases.  Not fatal mind you...but incurable...and it saddens me.  I can't help them.  All I can do is watch them suffer.  Their diseases are "somewhat" manageable...but they both are affected in a terrible way....their quality of life is so diminished and restricted, and changed forever.  I won't name them...they deserve their privacy and I will protect it....but I think of them every day.  Every single day.  And I cry for them.  I've always been one to take on another's pain and imagine myself in their situation....I just don't know how not to.  Mom would probably call this "borrowing trouble".  I don't mean to....I just don't know how to "not" do it.  I'm a worrier...for sure.  They are my loved ones...I would die for either of them....family is most near and dear to my heart above all else. 

I've used every ounce of humility and strength I can muster up to continue to be appreciative of having a job.  This economy absolutely sucks a$$...that's all there is to it.  I was unemployed for a year and four months.  16 months of absolute hell.  Talk about being in the abyss.  I can't even tell you how many of those days I spent in tears, staring at the 4 walls, PRAYING for a job...even scrubbing toilets...just let me get back in the workforce and feel like I belong again.  You feel invisible when you've been unemployed for that long...like the world has forgotten you and like you'll never be able to find a job again.  You've been out of work for so long that you fear potential employers will take one look at your resume and how long you've been out of work, and throw it right in the trash without a second glance.  That was real fear...and real depression. 

The money part of the unemployment was hard.  It was really hard.  And I had a roommate at the time that paid half the rent and half of all of the utilities, as well as all of the groceries.  There was just no room in my budget for groceries. 

Now, thanks to my old roommate's wife, Billie, I have a job.  And I'm thankful for the job..for her getting me out of my house.  She knew I was going crazy...and she knew Shane and her were getting married, and I would no longer have a roommate.  I needed a job in the worst way.  And she hired me.  I am thankful.  She is my supervisor...but not the main boss.  Our boss' name is Scott...and he threatened all of us last week w/ part-time hours.  He bought this company in January of this year.  We do insurance adjuster work...if we don't have major storms, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc...then we don't make a lot of profit.  In fact, this has been such a quiet year weather-wise, that we're actually LOSING money.  That's not good.  Scott's partners down in Ft. Lauderdale threatened him....so now he's threatening us.  If business doesn't pick up (which we have no control over), he's cutting our hours in half.  Ummmm.....yeah.

What I make now is $1.00 more an hour than I made on unemployment, PLUS..I lost my roommate.  So now instead of paying half the rent and half the utilites....I'm paying it ALL.  So in truth, I'm having a HARDER time financially now than when I was unemployed and had a roommate.  It's incredibly frustrating and defeating to have things get harder instead of better.  There's always something I can't pay.  When you take your 2 checks that you get each month, substract all of the living expenses, and there's $10 left over....that leaves nothing for the things that always pop up.  For instance, my car insurance that I pay every 6 months is due in 2 weeks.  $262.  My budget says I have $10.  Enter Dwayne.  Bless his heart.  He is the only reason I even have an inch of sanity left.  The only reason.

There's more stress in other areas but you get the idea.  And what do I always want to do to relive the stress and ease the depression?  Eat.  Add on top of the other stress, add all the stress I feel to MAKE MYSELF NOT EAT the wrong things....or just too much of something.  Oh and did I mention my cycle/PCOS that I deal with every month.....how my cycle last for 2 weeks....not a week like a normal person?  And how due to the PCOS the cramps feel more like pregnancy contractions....and how the hormones are WAY out of whack and the mood swings are just insane...and how I blow up like the Goodyear blimp and how Pamprin might as well be a sugar pill for all the good it does?  Well...mine started on Sunday....so yeah.  Got on the scale this morning for the first time since last Fri.  Last Fri I was 246.2 lbs.  This morning I'm 248....and that's staying at 1800 cals/day.  I've wanted to eat and eat and eat but I haven't.  I've restricted myself...I've endured the cramping and the bloating and the mood swings and the knowledge that I've got another week or more to go....and I have a 2 lb gain to show for it mid-week.  Yes...I go through this every single month.  I bitch about it every month.  Sometimes life is just too effing hard and you've got to get it out.

Now I'm told that when you lose your weight, that the PCOS symptoms all but disappear.  I certainly hope that's true....oh I pray for that one day.  For now, I'm just trying to keep it between the lines until I can see brighter days ahead.  Come on meds...hurry up and kick in.  I need you.

23 comments:

  1. I feel like such an a$$ even suggesting this but exercise (a nice walk or dancing) helps release feel-good hormones. It might help your mood.

    I'm thinking about you. I certainly hope that the PCOS symptoms disappear. That gives me something to look forward to as well!

    Smile and hang in there. :) You are a strong woman.

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  2. I have heard PCOS sucks it big time!I understand the job issue, I am unemployed for 7 months now. Went on an interview today and have 2 more lined up...happy thoughts.

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  3. I'm glad you were able to get this out and hope it provides a little relief. I think you've done amazingly well keeping your calories at 1800 when under such stress and with the physical stuff as well. I'm not so sure I could do that.

    Financial strain is such an ongoing problem and worry - hard not to feel down about it. Hang in Tammy - I know you will. And dump your feelings and worries here and let us help keep you bouyant. 2 weeks from today I'm flying down...getting excited! I send you a big hug.

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  4. I hope you feel a little better after getting that off your chest. It can get really discouraging to work so hard and not have anything to show or not feel like you're making progress. I keep reminding myself that food isn't going to make me feel any better so I try to distract myself by going for a walk or even playing a game of solitare ... anything to keep me out of the kitchen. Hang in there. It will get better. I'm praying for you ;)

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  5. First I just want to give you a big hug!

    I had PCOS and the horrible symptoms do go away eventually. What helped me also was getting an IUD and now I don't even have a cycle. LOVE it!

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  6. I want to give you a hug too Tammy.

    Hang in there things will get better.

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  7. Relatively new reader, but I felt compelled to comment. PCOS, struggling with weight loss, and a denying a mental health diagnosis...check! Things didn't improve overnight or in a month, but it did improve. Admitting that I was depressed was a good first step for me. Praying for you to have some of the same luck. Hugs!

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  8. Sorry your going through a hard time right now but it sounds like your controlling your eating VERY WELL!!! Your doing fabulous with that!

    I will pray that your job doesn't slow down

    Hugs to you =)

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  9. Hugs, Tammy. I hope those meds start working for you soon, too. It is unfair that you're having a harder time now than when you were unemployed. Is Dwayne moving in with you a possibility? I mean, since you guys see each other all the time now and it would help you out, it seems like it would be a good thing to do?

    And it sucks that you have a job in which you only make money when bad things happen. :-/

    Oh, and yeah, I would suggest trying to get an IUD, like Katie J mentioned. I have one and had a period for the first year and half or so (but they were super light and only lasted a few days) and now I haven't had one in months. So that could be something worth looking into.

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  10. Hope you feel better soon, I cannot imagine what PCOS must be like....but totally can relate to the unemployment issues, and money woes(been there done that for years in the past!. Have you and Dwayne discussed moving in together? I dont want to pry or open up any MORE cans of worms for you, just curious!! Maybe its not something you'd be comfy doing or impossible for some reason. Just trying to look for solutions. I think the suggestion of exercise, even a walk is a good one. Endorphins always help me, even if I DREAD the movement when I begin. Hang in there!

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  11. I cannot even imagine how you do such a good job coping. Using the blog is a good way to vent. It's your blog, and don't be afraid to use it. My very west wishes and hopes go out to you. I hope, with all my heart, you find relief in everything very soon. Hang tough.

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  12. I had similar PCOS symptoms - bleeding heavily for 2 weeks, normally for 1 week. My Dr. put me on Metformin years ago and it helped with my cycles - the amount of blood, how long it lasted and the pain. For some, you lose weight with it...I gained! :) But, it did balance out my insulin issues enough to get me to the place of losing weight. Now that I am 160 lbs., I have ZERO PCOS issues. They once controlled my life. Ask about Metformin. It's weird to me that the Dr. hasn't tried it, as it's common for PCOS sufferers.

    Praying for ya.

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  13. I send you hugs.

    You obviously needed to talk about it, and you did here. Have you thought about maybe printing out this blog for the next time you go into your doc, or writing out your items of distress?

    I have to do that when I go in, or I just sit like a rock, and then when I leave, OH, CRAP, meant to tell him thisandthisandthisand.... Just a thought.

    Cat

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  14. I feel for you. We have many similar issues. You can get through it. There is no other choice. And you'll find yourself a better stronger healthier person for it.

    We're all thinking about ya and rooting for ya. Vee at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

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  15. Tammy, sorry to intrude, but I need to ask why Dwayne hasn't moved in with you?
    He knows you struggle financially as you have said he helps you out here and there.
    That would be one less stress on you if you shared or split expenses.
    Whichever your paycheck allowed at the time.
    Hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries with you.
    Please don't apologize for telling all....I do the same in my blog. It's therapudic! :0)
    None of us are here to judge you. (((hugs)))

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  16. Hey, woman, thanks for being able to let it out here. We care about you. [I'm sure you have to see some odd comments and delete them sometimes, but most of us here want to encourage you!]

    I heard this song on the radio and thought of YOU. Mostly the chorus makes me think of you, bc not all the words necessarily apply. I think of it to mean Tammy is lovable for being TAMMY. =) We love you for being YOU. So keep on bein' you, dearie.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG7SPCVkKyY
    JJ Heller's song "Love Me".

    Now go cuddle up to Scarlette and imagine all our warm hugs.

    Love,
    Chrissy

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  17. Give your self a break tammy..situational depression or chronic..you need the meds. It's ok . you are gonna be better, just give it time. be good to yourself. treat yourself like I know you would treat those you care about.

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  18. I can't really add anything here that hasn't already been said...But I do think that you are an amazing person that doesn't come close to putting yourself at the top of your list. I am constantly amazed at many things about you...your strength, compassion, and your overall ability to keep things (at least in appearance) straight and organized. I KNOW me and I know that when I am most stressed/depressed/just overall emotional, I cannot keep my food in check...you have done that! Your PCOS is obviously throwing your weight for a loop this week--but it's all explainable (the same cannot be said for me...I am just a lazy A$$ and haven't gotten up and moving due to my issues...but that's another story for another day!). Just know that as important as many are to you--you are equally important to others...Love ya, Girl!!!

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  19. Tammy,

    Things will be better.. Just continue to have faith. I know how hard it is to stick to a healthy eating plan when it feels like everything else is sucky right now and you feel depressed. But just know that treating yourself right is one thing you CAN control. And it will only help you to feel better..Love ya

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  20. Reading this hit really close to home. It’s like there are things that are somehow simultaneously overwhelming and almost… I don’t want to say forgotten but some stress just becomes too…normal. I hope your meds really help you to feel better on a daily basis and I hope some of the things you have going on are able to be resolved soon (at least the ones that can have a resolution).

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  21. Oh dear...I understand how it feels to have everything crash down on you, but it will get better darling...I just know it. Too bad that doesn't always help us feel relief in the present.

    I hope you find comfort very soon dear one..

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  22. Breathe, my friend, breathe. Its going to be OK. Pay your rent, your utilities, and make arrangements with your other creditors. Look for another roommate, or two. Exercise. Every day. Honest. This will change your life. And your outlook. Walk. Run. Be outside as much as you can. Even if it is chilly, take your lunch outside and eat it in the sunshine. Yes, female problems do lessen when you lose weight. Other maladaties will go away, too. Sometimes, even "clinical" depression. If I live closer I would come and help you. But for now, you can have my cell number if you want it. I am always available. I have walked the walk. I feel your pain. Peace.

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  23. I just realized my comment was not posted. Sorry if I said anything to not get approved. I enjoy reading your blog and did not mean to offend you. I still think that living with your boyfriend would be wonderful, both sprirtually and financially. Good luck...

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