Hi everyone. Wow, can I stir up some shit or what? lol Hey listen, for all of you who took the time to comment on yesterday's post, a great big thank you. Everything that was said was appreciated. I'll touch on a couple of things.
To those of you who were keen enough to look past his weight comment and catch on to the fact that it's more his fear of commitment....you were spot on. To whoever thought I may be going on the meds because of him or his problem with my weight...that's incorrect. I posted about a month ago that I've had problems with depression since my teenage years....that I've been on Zoloft before, and that I think I need to go back on it again. I have a chemical imbalance, and that's why I got an Rx today to go back on the anti-depressant. While Dwayne's comment certainly doesn't help matters...it's not the basis of me going on the medicine. I've always needed it, I just haven't always taken it.
A lot of you brought up a lot of questions that I've already wondered myself, but have just never asked him before. What if I gained weight again after marriage...would he divorce me? What if I got in an accident and lost a leg? What if I got cancer...would he dump me then because the "outside" was more important than the "inside"? Well.....thanks to all of you...I found the courage to ask him. I wanted to wait until tonight when I saw him face to face but got tired of all of it swirling around in my brain, so I emailed him a little while ago. He answered. He in fact does love me just the way I am now. He said no, he would not divorce me if I were to gain my weight back, and no, he most certainly would not leave me if I had some tragedy happen to me where I ended up deformed/incapacitated, etc. He basically said that his love that he has for me right this moment will not change if I choose to not lose another pound. In fact, he told me if I'm happy where I'm at right now, then don't lose another pound. He's not going anywhere either way.
I would have to write a small novel to tell you all the things he does on a daily basis to let me know how much he cares...the little stuff, the big things, etc. Nobody can possibly know what I know, and I knew that when I wrote that post. I've almost wrote that post 100 different times before, but didn't have the guts to expose that much of my heart. Yesterday, I was tired of hiding the secret....I believe it ties into my mental blocks with the weight loss...and I finally put it out on my weight loss blog. I'm glad I did. I feel better. It doesn't feel like a dirty little secret anymore...and most importantly, it led to a very much needed dialogue today between me and Dwayne.
Someone asked yesterday if I was okay being the woman that was still dating him in 10 years, and not married. Yes. I'm very much okay with that. I believe when I wrote the post called "Dwayne and Taxes...A Love Story" that I explained I'm ok if we never officially get married. I said then that I don't question his love...and I still don't. I know very well, after 6 years of togetherness, what all of Dwayne's faults and flaws are. The one I discussed yesterday hurts me directly...most of them don't. I chose a long time ago to accept him the way he is...because whether he does or not...I believe in unconditional love. That's not going to change about me.
Some people asked about future children. Dwayne mentioned to me a few years ago that he'd like to see me get to a healthy weight to where I could have and take care of children. He wants one child. I decided at the age of 30 that I'm okay with not having any of my own. This has to do with my depression issues...job lay offs...not finishing my education...making too little money....the list goes on and on and on. I know that if you actually have one...you learn to make it work...and if that happened, of course I would. But after Brittany, the child I gave up for adoption when I was 18....I'm also the poster girl for birth control...so the chances are slim unless I make the conscious effort to try and get pregnant. The child issue is still up in the air. He still wants one....he knows I'm ok if we don't have one. He's certainly not pressing the issue since we're not even married. Given that I'm 38 and he's 40...I don't see it happening at this point. Besides, I already have 5 nieces and nephews to spoil and send back home....that's my kinda' child-raisin'. ;)
I don't excuse him for his feelings about my weight. I told him how shallow, superficial and hurtful those views are. I also told him he's no skinny minnie and he could stand to lose about 50 lbs. himself. I believe he's done some thinking of his own over the last couple of days because he told me today that he loves me whether or not I lose another lb. I believe him when he says that. He also knows that me losing weight has nothing to do with him or what he wants. He knows that if he were my reason...I would have had this weight gone 5 years ago. I think the fact that I'm 246 lbs. today proves that he is not my reason...never will be. So for those of you who feared that I would start today on some kind of weirdo crash diet to "please" him? Shit ain't happenin'.
Dwayne, Scarlette and I are a family...not perfect...not always happy...and sometimes we say some really stupid shit to each other. But we stick together...we communicate daily...we care...and we're committted. I will continue to post things on this blog that I think are connected to my weight loss/gain, and I will continue to welcome your input. It was because of all of you that I confronted him today. Thank you for that. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend...make it a healthy one. :)
P.S. My dr's appt. went very well. Did my bloodwork, got a prescription for the Zoloft, and the best news of all...my blood pressure reading was 116/74. Not bad for a fat girl who still has 75 lbs. to lose. :)
4 months ago