Good News:Bad News

The day started off great and ended up crappy.  I woke up starving this morning, probably since the last thing I ate yesterday was at 5pm.  I made a huge breakfast scramble with 4 egg whites, 4 oz baked chicken breast, 1/8 c. of 2% cheddar cheese, spinach, mushrooms, bell peppers & red onions.  The whole plate came to 270 cals and it was delicious.

After breakfast I got an email from Christian at Budget Life Insurance.  They wanted to tell me they loved my blog and that I was selected to be in their list of Top 25 Weight Loss Blogs!  Really????  MY BLOG????  Are you SERIOUS????  But I clicked on the link that he sent, and what do you know?  It's true.  I thought it was pretty cool to make ANYBODY'S Top 25 list for ANYTHING, so I felt very honored.  I share the list with several other bloggers that I know....some I follow and some I've seen around Blogland....a few I didn't recognize at all.  Pretty cool stuff....thanks Budget!

I was going to go to the gym today and simply walk on the treadmill.  I needed to give my muscles a rest.  We don't usually work out with Chris on Thursday's....only Tuesday's....but there's an exception this week because he'll be going home to California for vacation next week.  I've effed up my left elbow somehow...probably from trying to lift too much weight....and yesterday's workout was pretty hard on it.  Not knowing what to expect at tomorrow's workout (it's always a surprise!), I decided to just do a few miles on the treadmill. 

I got in my closet to put on some workout clothes and decided to try on the shirt I got free at the gym when I signed up.  I got it about a month ago and didn't even bother trying it on because it's an XL, and I knew I wore a 2X.  I tried it on today to see how far I had to go before I could fit into it.  Turns out....not far at all!!  It fits!!!!!!!!!!!!!  For the first time in at least 15 years, I am wearing a shirt that doesn't have a number in front of the X.  If you've never worn 3 & 4X's for as many years as I did, then you couldn't possibly understand the feeling of wearing just a plan ol' XL.  I've got to be the happiest girl in the world to ONLY be wearing an XL....who else gets THIS excited about wearing an EXTRA LARGE???  I do!!  That's who!!

 Given the fact that my number of pounds lost isn't all that much, I'm guessing it has to do with all the work I've been doing in the gym.  I think I joined the first gym last October...somewhere in there, and then switched over to Planet Fitness about a month or so ago.  So I've had steady, hard workouts for several months now and I guess I'm tightening up.  Now....I'm not going to turn into one of those happy a$$ people that says the scale numbers don't matter to me (yeah...right!).....but I will say that there's definitely something to toning up and losing inches.  Hooray for such a great NSV!!

After this is where the day, and my mood, went downhill pretty fast.  I was sitting in a parking lot talking to Pam on the phone, getting ready to head to the gym.  I rolled my window down and the dang thing came off track....WAY off track.....like, nearly-fell-out off track.  I got off the phone with Pam and since I had my camera with me, I took a picture of it just so I could show you what I'm talking about.  It looks like a triangle instead of a rectangle, because the front end just fell down in the hole, forward, when I tried to roll it down.
Instead of going to the gym, I called the garage that does all of my car repairs and asked if they could fix it.  He said he could, but he didn't know where he'd get the parts for a car that old.  I drive a '92 Honda Accord LX....so it's 18 years old and has over 200k miles on it.  It's pretty amazing that it's even still running.  He said he'd probably have to order them from the Honda dealership.  Yikes.

I just happened to be about a mile from a Honda dealership at the time, so I drove by there to get an idea of how much parts would be.  The guy came out and looked at my car and said things didn't look good....namely because the car is so old.  He said there's a good chance that it's not just one part that's messed up.....he said he would give me the worst case scenario, print it out, and I could take it with me to the garage to get it fixed once they decided what all it needed.  So.....if it needs all of the main parts...a motor, regulator, channel & 2 side sashes....the parts total just over $500.  Labor at the garage will probably be around $200.  So we're talking a possible $500-$700 car repair for a stupid WINDOW.....on a car that's probably only worth $1000 at best to start with (it does run really well....it's just super old).

This is just how fast my mood and attitude can turn from great and happy to very stressed, anxious, frantic and bingey-feeling.  Everyone knows I'm on unemployment, and while I have a tiny bit put back in savings for car repairs (I just had a $500 repair a month ago), I don't have the full amount to fix the window.  That would mean asking Dwayne to make up the difference...and I've never asked him for anything.  Enter in more stress from being unemployed for a year now and losing nearly all my financial independence.  I've paid my own bills for years....I'm very frugal, very responsible, very budget-minded and cannot remember the last time I had a late bill.  Even on my unemployment check.....I can pinch a penny 'til it squeals.  But when things like this happen that are beyond my control and more than I can afford.....well, it's just not good for me.

I texted Dwayne and briefly told him what was going on.  We were supposed to meet up for "date night" tonight.  He wanted to go to Barnes and Noble and grab a coffee together and peruse the aisles of glorious books.....we both have a thing for books...the smell, the feel, the knowledge within the pages just waiting to be absorbed....so it "would" have been a perfect, relaxing night together.  However, my mood was sour and I told him I wouldn't be meeting him tonight. 

He called me when he got off work at 6:30p to get the whole scoop.  I cried....I told him everything....I cried some more.  I was really feeling the financial pressure and the guilt of having to receive some kind of help from him.  At the same time, the thinking side of my brain just couldn't process spending up to $700 to fix a stupid window on a car that's maybe worth $1000 in the first place.  Turns out, he was thinking the same thing.  What I didn't know is that he has been casually looking around at used cars for me in case mine died.  He said it would be super cheap.....like maybe $2500....but he's seen some Honda Civics in that price range, which are known for their dependability & good gas mileage, on Craig's List.....and it will still be probably 8 years newer than the car I'm driving now.

I didn't even know he'd been looking.....that freaked me out and stressed me even more.  Dwayne does okay for a single guy....he works in IT....but he's definitely not made of money, and he's got his own bills to take care of.  I abhor the thought of him buying me any kind of car....even a cheap $2500 one.  The guilt associated with not being able to take care of myself financially was really starting to suffocate me.  He asked me what I thought about the idea.  I told him I appreciated the thought, but I hated the idea on a couple of different levels....he basically told me I'd have to get over it.  That he'd probably be finding something for me but I might have to deal with not being able to roll the window down for a couple of months while he saves up a little more money.  (I finally got the window up today, so if I don't try to roll it down again, it shouldn't fall out).

He wanted to come up and see me here at the house.  I first said okay, then 5 mins later I changed my mind again and said no....just don't come up tonight.  Basically because I didn't want to sit here and cry in front of him all night.  He's got a lot of high stress going on at his job right now with back-to-back software releases and talk about his boss being phased out and replaced, which in turn has him worried about his OWN job.  Qutie frankly, he's terrified of BOTH of us being unemployed at the same time and living on very little money.  He didn't need to be up here with me tonight watching me wallowing in my own self pity.  I told him I'd be fine...I just needed some time to think, and to go hang out with his buddies and have a relaxing night.  I'm pretty damn sure I heard a sigh of appreciation on his end of the phone. 

Shane called while I was on the phone with Dwayne, so I called him back.  As soon as he asked what was wrong, I was crying again.  I blurted everything out to him, and he told me not to worry about cooking, that we'd just go out to eat tonight.  Normally I refuse to go out to eat this close to a weigh-in, but I was in such a dangerous I-don't-give-a-sh*t mood, that I met him and Billie out at Moe's Southwest Grille for dinner.  I had a good bit of calories left for the day, and I ordered a chicken soft taco & a beef soft taco.  I think the calories are fine....but the sodium will be a disaster on the scale tomorrow morning.  That's not an issue.

The issue was going to be making it through the rest of the night without an all-out binge.  I had been crying on and off for hours on end....seeing no way out of my current financial situation because while I'm doing everything I can do on my end, I just can't MAKE someone call & offer me a job.  I had a splitting headache & my sinuses were clogged.  I am STILL on my cycle (too much info, I know, but it's been 8 full days now and I feel like bitching about it), upset about being a financial burden on Dwayne.....and all I wanted to do was eat.  Even after dinner.  I wanted to keep on eating....just to eat.  How many years have I used food as a comfort?  How many???  Enough to get me all the way up to 340 lbs. at one point and a prime candidate for a heart attack or stroke, and enough to give me Type 2 Diabetes, which is the 3rd leading cause of death behind heart attack and cancer, for those of you who don't know.

I really had to remind myself of this tonight.  I had to remind myself that the comfort from bingeing is TEMPORARY.  The guilt afterwards is immediate and does not wash off or go away.  It would be there to haunt me again on Friday morning when I weighed-in.  And when it comes right down to it....it wasn't going to solve a single thing in my life.  In fact, it was going to make me feel that much worse about myself.  And let me tell you something if you're not one who's prone to bingeing......although you KNOW all of this stuff....you KNOW it all to be true and factual....it is VERY HARD to bring yourself to CARE about it when you're in the moment.  EXTREMELY HARD.  It only takes 5-10 minutes to do a 3-4,000 calorie binge.

Those fleeting moments right before a binge are crucial....where you actually make yourself sit there in the car (in the parking lot after dinner, when everyone else had already left and you're all alone).....and tell yourself the facts over and over in hopes of saving yourself.  I told myself, "Tammy....you know what you're about to do....don't do it...please don't do it....you're worth more than this....you're becoming more and more important to yourself every day.  Don't damage yourself like this.  Think of how you'll feel tomorrow morning...think of how you'll feel Friday morning when you weigh-in.  Better yet....remember how AWESOME and PROUD you felt about yourself just this afternoon when you slipped on that XL shirt.  Remember?  Do you want to undo that feeling?  Do you want to go backwards AGAIN??  The food only masks the pain for a few short moments...it doesn't fix what's hurting you.  It can't be fixed right now, and it can never be fixed with food.  You know what you have to do.  You just have to go through it.  You just have to feel it.  Cry it out, then drive yourself back home and start flushing out that friggin' sodium you just ate."

And that's exactly what I did.  I cried almost all the way home.  But I didn't binge.  Thank God...I didn't binge.  So very close...but I made it through tonight.  I'm downing my 2nd 32 oz. glass of water right now.  I know what the scale said this morning....so I'll be drinking a ton of water over the next day and a half to get it back to that number by Friday.  I hope I can do it.  Sodium gains irritate me still....but they don't really UPSET me, because I know exactly how my body responds to it now and what kind of "fake" gain it produces.  It doesn't matter how healthy of a choice I make from a menu....it can be grilled fish w/ no butter and steamed veggies....and I'll still be up at least 6-7 lbs the very next morning.  That's just the way my body is....but I also know from experience that if I drink enough water, it will all drop off within a day or two and my weight will be back to what it previously was before the restaurant meal. 

My brain's a little fried right now....my head still hurts and my eyes are burning and puffy from so much crying.  I'm going to sign off now and drink a few gallons of water, lol.  I'll leave you with some pics.  The first one is my 270 calorie breakfast scramble this morning, the next one is me in the XL shirt, and the last one is my effed up car window.  'Nite friends.  :)

Quote For the Day:

"The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where they stand in times of challenge and controversy."  -Martin Luther King, Jr.