Hunger vs. Habit

Today has been a great day. I really enjoyed it. I got up this morning and fixed breakfast for the guys. I cooked 3 oz of my homemade turkey sausage for myself and ate it with 2 c. of coffee. I cleaned my kitchen, showered and got ready and ran to the bank to make a deposit. I came back and Dwayne was calling around on cars....he's trying to buy a new (used) car...his current car is a lemon. I had some pork ribs in the freezer that I had originally planned on cooking for dinner for the sole purpose of ridding my freezer of all the pork. The more I thought about it, the more I really didn't want to eat those ribs. I love pork. It is my favorite of all the meats. I would eat pork 7 days a week if I thought I could get away with it and not be dead from heart disease in a year's time. Since I love it so much, it's become too much of a temptation being in my freezer and I wanted it gone. But I didn't want to eat it. And I didn't want to throw it out or give it away. I finally decided to cook it today and feed it to Shane and his girlfriend for dinner tonight. So I cooked them up and threw them in the frig.

Next I baked my Mojo wings and ate those for lunch. Then Dwayne and I went out looking for cars but to no avail. We ran a couple of errands, finally stopping at Harry's Farmer's Market (Whole Foods). I adore that store. It's filled so much interesting stuff....I hate the prices....but I love to look and pick up the occasional item. We strolled through the entire store because Dwayne had never been in there. He drooled over their gigantic meat counter for about 10 minutes. We checked out the seafood counter, the chocolate display...I'm looking to try some different kinds of dark chocolate, but didn't buy any today. The only thing I bought was some red chili paste that Pam told me to get to make her latest version of hummus. Then we hit the bakery....oh my goodness. All of a sudden I wanted a brownie. I wanted a loaf of pumpkin bread. I wanted a pecan pie.......all the while wondering what the heck is wrong with me??? I don't buy sweets.....very rare.....but I was overwhelmed with the desire for something sweet. Then I reminded myself that I was making a lowfat banana pudding that Pam had told me she made. I'd be fine til after dinner. You can find the banana pudding here: http://lobsterandfishsticks.com/ Dwayne bought some rosemary baguette bread, we strolled through the deli and I sampled some jalapeno hummus. I immediately thought of Pam...she loves jalapenos....Pam, you MUST try this....it's awesome. :)

We finally left and headed back home. We lazed around for a while and then I fixed dinner. It was brown rice, baked snapper and sauteed shrimp (for Dwayne and I.......Shane and his girlfriend had the pork ribs later this evening). I realized I hadn't had ANY veggies today at all, so I fixed myself a side salad w/ spinach, tomatoes, cukes & 1 tbsp of lite Italian dressing. I had a very small slice of the rosemary baguette, and after dinner I measured out 1 c. of the banana pudding. When I finally stopped stuffing my face and took a few breaths, I realized I had done it again. Eaten way too much in one sitting. Didn't I just do this yesterday with that sub from Subway? I was miserable again....but why? I planned out my dinner early this morning, so I wasn't stuck out somewhere and in a bad situation. Everything I had was low in fat and in calories. And after dinner and dessert, I was still 241 calories UNDER my limit for the day! I really had to sit and think about how I made myself so miserable AGAIN.

Habit. I ate all of that food out of habit. Yes, it was healthier than what I used to eat for dinner. It was definitely low in fat and calories......WAY better choice than the pork ribs, and I still had a lot of calories to spare. But I didn't stop eating when the hunger was gone, because I'm not in the habit of doing that. I ate all of that food in one sitting because I'm in the habit of doing so. Volumes of food.

I've been eating seafood since birth, and for as far back as I can remember, I cannot remember ever eating just one type of seafood at a time. It's usually at least 2, and often times it was 4. I used to order these huge seafood platters with fish, shrimp, scallops and clam strips. Or shrimp, scallops, deviled crab and a side of crab legs. Recently, in the last couple of years and out to dinner with Dwayne, I'd order at least 2 items. My favorites are shrimp and scallops. But never just ONE. That's not enough seafood, or so I programmed myself to believe.

The truth is, I could of had just one tonight....either the snapper, or the shrimp...a little less brown rice, and although I rarely eat white bread anymore, I could have skipped that too. I could have eaten HALF of what was on my plate and been totally satisfied. Looks like it's time for me to form a new habit. I've already noticed that I can go a little longer inbetween meals before I get hungry. Now, when I'm eating a meal (and especially dinner, since that's always my biggest meal), I've got to really pay attention to my stomach and make sure I stop eating when the hunger's gone. This is a new one for me. I feel like my stomach has started to shrink a little and I surely don't want to stretch it out again. So this is the newest thing I'm working on.

Here are my stats for the day:

Goal Stats:

Calories 1750
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1539
Carbs 135
Fat 32
Protein 161

Here's my food intake for the day:

Turkey sausage (homemade, 3 oz.)
2 c. coffee w/ sugar-free creamer

7 baked Mojo wings

Baked snapper, sauteed shrimp, brown rice, salad, pc. of rosemary bread
1 c. lowfat banana pudding

Lowfat mozzarella cheesestick
7 crackers w/ 2 tbsp roasted pine nut hummus
1 pc. sugar-free 60% cacoa dark chocolate
1 protein water
2 glasses of tea, mixed 2/3 unsweet, 1/3 sweet
Lots of water
NO COKE TODAY! :)

As far as the exercise goes, I plan on walking on the treadmill every other day. I'll feel good if I make it down there 3-4x/wk and do at least a mile each time until I can increase the distance. On the days I don't do the treadmill, I plan on doing something here in the apt. Today wasn't a treadmill day, so instead I did:

100 crunches
25 arm exercises
15 lower ab leg lifts
scissor machine, 50 reps with the arms then changed machine & did 50 reps with the legs

I feel good about today....it was definitely a win in the calorie department. In fact, knowing how many calories I had left over, and how many I didn't have to eat at dinner, I'm considering changing the amounts again. It would be silly to MAKE myself eat 1750 calories just because I made them available. I'm going to wait another day before I decide though. Maybe tomorrow will be a crazy hungry day and I'll decide to leave them where they're at. But I'm considering dropping them by 100 and switching from 1450 to 1650 each week. I'll know what I want to do by the end of the day tomorrow. Until then, I hope everyone enjoys their weekend! :)

Lessons Learned

I read a quote in one of Suzanne Sommer's books several years ago that said, "There are no mistakes in life...only lessons". I love that quote. It takes something negative, a mistake, and turns it into something positive, a learning experience. I learned a couple of things today.

After seeing my loss this morning, I taped up my blisters and went down to the treadmill and walked a mile. It hurt, but I was proud of myself. I came back to the apt and did some daily chores, sent some emails, made a couple of phone calls, cleaned out my frig, figured out the budget and bills for my roommate and I for this week and finally got in the car to go grocery shopping. I got about a mile down the road and my stomach started growling something fierce.
I looked at the clock and it was noon already. I ate breakfast at 7am. First of all, I was shocked that I made it 5 hours instead of 3 w/o feeling like I was dying. Then it hit me. I was going grocery shopping hungry. That's like the number one thing you don't want to do when going grocery shopping. Everyone knows that. How stoopid.

The more I thought about it, the louder my stomach growled and I could feel the anxiety coming on. I'm on a very tight food budget and the last thing I could afford to do was pick up everything I saw, and especially bad stuff. I knew I had to eat something. Then I remembered that I was supposed to put my pork loin roast on at 3pm to have it done by 6pm, it was now noon, and I had told mom I was coming to visit today. CRAP! Now I had to re-arrange things and go to Mom's first, then grocery shop so I could get the cold stuff home quickly. I pretty much knew there wasn't going to be anything at her house that I wanted to eat. Things were starting to look pretty hairy. Fast food? Noooooooo!!!!!! Not after losing 11.2 lbs in 12 days!! I couldn't do that to myself. Now what??? I finally decided it would be better to go ahead and swing into Publix on the way to mom's and get some chicken tenders. Fried chicken tenders. But if I only got 3 of them it would be better than a 1300 calorie meal at Arby's, right?

I pulled in the Publix parking lot absolutely drowning in guilt that I was about to eat something fried. Then, like a beacon of light, I saw the Subway. I forgot there was a Subway right next to Publix! Thank God, I'm saved.......I thought. I went inside and looked at their nutrition guide determined to make the best choice. I decided on a turkey sub on whole wheat w/ lite mayo, no cheese, and all the veggies. Then I made it a 12" instead of a 6". And THEN I told them "double meat". Doh! What a moron. Why did I do that, you ask? The answer is really quite simple. I did it out of habit.....second nature....didn't even give it a thought. I got in my car and ate the sub on the way to mom's, so glad that I avoided the fried stuff. After shoving the last bite in my mouth and swallowing it down I started to wonder why I felt so miserable. I was beyond satisfied, beyond full, beyond a little overboard. I was completely miserable. I wanted to puke for about 10-15 mins after I ate it until it had a chance to settle some.

It finally hit me. I was miserable because in the last 2 weeks, after limiting my calories, strictly watching them, and eating several small portions throughout the day instead of 3 or 4 huge ones, my stomach had finally started to shrink! Imagine that!? This healthy eating crap really works!! Although I feel like a complete moron for eating that much (700 calories in one meal), I'm also kind of glad I did. I learned a couple of things. First of all, I don't ever see me buying another 12" sub in my life. I now know not to do it out of habit, because it will make me feel sick if I eat all of it. Secondly, I don't ever see me ordering double meat on another sub in my life. I've actually started getting used to eating 3-4oz portions of meat. I discovered today that I know longer like eating meals that are 3x the size of my face in one sitting. I found that I PREFER the smaller portions every 3-4 hours, and that I prefer feeling a little hungry inbetween instead of busting-at-the-seams miserable. This is a MAJOR breakthrough for me. After a couple of weeks of eating better and correct portions, my body, my preferences and my outlook towards food are changing, and after so many long years of being obese...I can't tell you how good that feels. I'm changing. I'm getting healthier. I'm feeling better. And most importantly, I'm learning. And that can only lead to a better "me".

Because of this huge faux pas as far as my daily calorie limit is concerned, I decided to relieve some anxiety and just made today my Free Day for the week instead of Saturday. We don't have anything special going on tomorrow w/ anyone, so I'm excited about waking up in the morning and starting anew. I already know exactly what I'm going to eat, and what I've got for the guys to eat, so there will be no mistakes.

I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm traveling on with a little brighter outlook now. I'm improving, Im making progress, I'm growing and learning, and the struggles are getting easier by the day. Well, except for one category......cravings. But that's going to be a whole other post. :)