A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Lessons Learned

I read a quote in one of Suzanne Sommer's books several years ago that said, "There are no mistakes in life...only lessons". I love that quote. It takes something negative, a mistake, and turns it into something positive, a learning experience. I learned a couple of things today.

After seeing my loss this morning, I taped up my blisters and went down to the treadmill and walked a mile. It hurt, but I was proud of myself. I came back to the apt and did some daily chores, sent some emails, made a couple of phone calls, cleaned out my frig, figured out the budget and bills for my roommate and I for this week and finally got in the car to go grocery shopping. I got about a mile down the road and my stomach started growling something fierce.
I looked at the clock and it was noon already. I ate breakfast at 7am. First of all, I was shocked that I made it 5 hours instead of 3 w/o feeling like I was dying. Then it hit me. I was going grocery shopping hungry. That's like the number one thing you don't want to do when going grocery shopping. Everyone knows that. How stoopid.

The more I thought about it, the louder my stomach growled and I could feel the anxiety coming on. I'm on a very tight food budget and the last thing I could afford to do was pick up everything I saw, and especially bad stuff. I knew I had to eat something. Then I remembered that I was supposed to put my pork loin roast on at 3pm to have it done by 6pm, it was now noon, and I had told mom I was coming to visit today. CRAP! Now I had to re-arrange things and go to Mom's first, then grocery shop so I could get the cold stuff home quickly. I pretty much knew there wasn't going to be anything at her house that I wanted to eat. Things were starting to look pretty hairy. Fast food? Noooooooo!!!!!! Not after losing 11.2 lbs in 12 days!! I couldn't do that to myself. Now what??? I finally decided it would be better to go ahead and swing into Publix on the way to mom's and get some chicken tenders. Fried chicken tenders. But if I only got 3 of them it would be better than a 1300 calorie meal at Arby's, right?

I pulled in the Publix parking lot absolutely drowning in guilt that I was about to eat something fried. Then, like a beacon of light, I saw the Subway. I forgot there was a Subway right next to Publix! Thank God, I'm saved.......I thought. I went inside and looked at their nutrition guide determined to make the best choice. I decided on a turkey sub on whole wheat w/ lite mayo, no cheese, and all the veggies. Then I made it a 12" instead of a 6". And THEN I told them "double meat". Doh! What a moron. Why did I do that, you ask? The answer is really quite simple. I did it out of habit.....second nature....didn't even give it a thought. I got in my car and ate the sub on the way to mom's, so glad that I avoided the fried stuff. After shoving the last bite in my mouth and swallowing it down I started to wonder why I felt so miserable. I was beyond satisfied, beyond full, beyond a little overboard. I was completely miserable. I wanted to puke for about 10-15 mins after I ate it until it had a chance to settle some.

It finally hit me. I was miserable because in the last 2 weeks, after limiting my calories, strictly watching them, and eating several small portions throughout the day instead of 3 or 4 huge ones, my stomach had finally started to shrink! Imagine that!? This healthy eating crap really works!! Although I feel like a complete moron for eating that much (700 calories in one meal), I'm also kind of glad I did. I learned a couple of things. First of all, I don't ever see me buying another 12" sub in my life. I now know not to do it out of habit, because it will make me feel sick if I eat all of it. Secondly, I don't ever see me ordering double meat on another sub in my life. I've actually started getting used to eating 3-4oz portions of meat. I discovered today that I know longer like eating meals that are 3x the size of my face in one sitting. I found that I PREFER the smaller portions every 3-4 hours, and that I prefer feeling a little hungry inbetween instead of busting-at-the-seams miserable. This is a MAJOR breakthrough for me. After a couple of weeks of eating better and correct portions, my body, my preferences and my outlook towards food are changing, and after so many long years of being obese...I can't tell you how good that feels. I'm changing. I'm getting healthier. I'm feeling better. And most importantly, I'm learning. And that can only lead to a better "me".

Because of this huge faux pas as far as my daily calorie limit is concerned, I decided to relieve some anxiety and just made today my Free Day for the week instead of Saturday. We don't have anything special going on tomorrow w/ anyone, so I'm excited about waking up in the morning and starting anew. I already know exactly what I'm going to eat, and what I've got for the guys to eat, so there will be no mistakes.

I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm traveling on with a little brighter outlook now. I'm improving, Im making progress, I'm growing and learning, and the struggles are getting easier by the day. Well, except for one category......cravings. But that's going to be a whole other post. :)

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