Exhausted but Happy

I am completely exhausted, but it's been a productive day. Way better than the last two days. I went the furthest over my calorie limit today since I started this blog. I was a little upset about it earlier, but I got over it, because I've also been 100x more active today than I have since I started this blog. Pam says that when your activity level increases, your calorie limit should increase. From the hunger I was feeling today, that sounds about right to me. I was truly hungry, stomach growling, the whole bit. It wasn't emotional eating, so I can live with it.

Our search for a rental house is over. We're renting the house next door to my parents. They own both houses. We're getting a great deal and we're really looking forward to it. Thanks Mom and Dad!! I have been going from 7:30 this morning til, well, 1:30 the next morning....I guess this is officially Wednesday.

I went up and got Mom's truck, brought it back, loaded it (which included about 9 trips up the stairs to my 2nd floor apartment. Got back to Mom's, unloaded it, and ran some errands with her. I also got on her exercise bike for about 10 mins today just to try it out and get in some "official" exercise. I got back home about 4pm, cooked dinner and ate about 4:45pm, crashed and died at 5pm and slept til 7pm. Got up, showered, went dumpster diving and got some more boxes, went to Target and did a little shopping, bought some Oscar Mayer deli shaved turkey breast, came home and ate a sandwich about 9pm along with some chips and salsa. Got my 2nd wind, loaded up my car with stuff to take to Mom's tomorrow, brought all of the boxes up that I scavenged for tonight (all of this together was about 7 or 8 more trips up the stairs), packed boxes until about 15 mins ago, and now I'm completely exhausted. It's been a busy day.

Everything on my body aches right now. I am REALLY hoping I can move when I wake up in a few hours. I plan to get a lot more done tomorrow. I like the feeling of being active way more than being sedentary. It hurts like crap, but it feels good at the same time. It's good for the mind....keeps the depression away.

Goal Stats:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1931
Carbs 205
Fat 45
Protein 134

I ate at a fast food restaurant today.....gasp! I had been at mom's too long and was starving when I left. My little niece Carla kept saying she wanted Chinese for lunch.....then she wanted some Krystal's.....I knew I needed to get the heck out of there, but all of that food sounded good and I was so friggin' hungry. My friend Chris had mentioned to me before that if I get stuck out and I'm starving, that besides Subway, Taco Bell is a decent option if you get something like the grilled chicken soft tacos. The Taco Bell was closer than the Subway so that's where I went. When I pulled up to the drive-thru they had a new Fresco menu there and it listed the calories and the fat grams right on the sign. That was helpful. I ordered 1 grilled chicken soft taco with no cheese, and I ordered a steak burrito supreme off the Fresco menu. The burrito was 330 calories and 8g of fat. When I got home I checked the nutrition stats on the chicken soft taco...I think it was 170....so altogether lunch was 500 calories. I also checked the sodium, and surprisingly, it wasn't too bad either. Even after I ate those 2 items though.....I was still SO hungry....it felt like I had eaten a little appetizer.

Here's my food intake for the day:

Homemade turkey sausage (4 oz.)
3 egg whites
Sauteed onions & mushrooms
2 c. decaf swiss mocha almond coffee w/ sugar-free creamer

Taco Bell Fresco Steak Burrito Supreme
Taco Bell Grilled Chicken Soft Taco

Stir fry shrimp & baby scallops w/ broccoli, onions & mushrooms

Turkey sandwich on sourdough w/ tomato, onion, lite mayo & lite Italian dressing
Baked Scoops and fresh salsa
1 Coke
1 glass of tea, mixed 2/3 unsweet, 1/3 sweet
2 c. decaf swiss mocha almond coffee w/ sugar-free creamer
8 glasses of water
1/2 of a 3 Musketeers bar (130 calories)

Pam emailed me with a quote for my blog, I really like it. :)

Quote For The Day:

"There are no secrets to success. It is a result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure." -Colin Powell

Monday's Misery

Yesterday I felt like crap all day because I ate too many carbs over the weekend...poison for a diabetic. Today I felt like crap all day because Dwayne and I aren't getting along too well and I spent most of the day in bed all weepy-eyed. Tomorrow MUST be better!!

Dwayne and I aren't fighting...it's nothing like that. There's just a little bit of distance right now...we've been together 5 years next month. We see each other nearly every single weekend, along with 2 or 3 days during the week on most weeks, and sometimes too much time together can be a bad thing. Sometimes people need space. I have no idea how married people do it! lol
Anyhoo, I finally texted him today and told him to take this week and this weekend to himself and enjoy some time with his buddies. I told him I'd talk to him next week after he had a little time to himself. I know that's what's best right now....we've had these phases before...but it doesn't make me miss him any less. :(

Another problem is the unemployment. This has been going on since Feb. 20th and I am SICK TO DEATH of it. I need a job badly. I don't know how those women do it that shop and eat bon bons all day. I loathe feeling this unproductive. It completely sucks. If I was rich and didn't have bills to worry about, I might have a different attitude towards the life of a sloth. But for me and my financial situation, no work = depression.

One more thing that affects my mood is gloomy weather. It's been overcast and drizzling rain for the last 2 days. Blech. Hate it. My mom is one of those people that loves the rain, talks about how well she can sleep/nap when it's raining...just enjoys it. I'm singing a different tune. My song is more like, "Rain, rain, go away, come again....in like 6 months".

When I'm feeling like this my first instinct is to drown my sorrows and soothe my depression with food. I was telling my friend Pam earlier that it's these types of days that lead me straight to the Chinese take-out menu. As I said from the very beginning, I'm a foodaholic. Totally addicted to food....bad food, and way too much of it. If I were an alcoholic, I'd probably be swimming around in a bottle of vodka right now. With my addiction, I was tempted to swim around in a vat of lo mein.

But......I have good news to report. Fat Tammy lost today....Skinny Tammy won out! Sure, I thought about blowing the budget, blowing the diet, blowing my 13.6 lb loss so far and ordering enough lo mein and egg rolls to feed a small army. But I did what I've learned from Lyn at EscapefromObesity to do. I sat and thought. The pros and cons....especially the cons....the only pro I could think of was that I would "temporarily" feel better....only to end up hating myself before I went to bed.

I also emailed my friend Pam when my dialing finger started twitching. It's always good to have that one friend that you can go to at a moment's notice and announce your evil plan to sabotage your diet. Her job is to either offer me healthy alternatives, put her foot up my a$$ w/ some tough love and good advice, etc....but she always comes through. Always. I love her for that.

She told me how to make my own lo mein, where to buy the right noodles, etc. so I will be picking those up this week to have on hand. She has a recipe for her version of lo mein on her food blog http://lobsterandfishsticks.com/. I can't tell you how many times her recipes have saved me, given me new things to try so my diet doesn't become routine and boring. She is just AWESOME and I will never stop singing her praises! Check out her alternative to the comfort food beef stroganoff....OMG! Soooo good!!

But I pulled through. No Chinese. No failure today. And you know my motto....one day at a time....and I made it through this one. That's what matters. I'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here. I'm still trying to recover from this past weekend's indiscretions and the resulting gain on the scale, so I kept the calories pretty far under my goal. I'm so scared I won't break even this week and be where I was at last Friday's weigh in. If I show a gain I'm just going to be heartbroken and disgusted with myself. Let's all pray for the best!!

This wasn't treadmill day, so I did 100 ab crunches, 10 lower ab leg lifts, and 25 arm exercises. Nothing amazing, but I'm keeping up with my promise to myself to try and do something each day inbetween treadmill days.

I want to say a quick welcome to my newest follower Sean. Thanks for signing up. I've been reading your blog today and will continue to. Your progress has been absolutely mind-blowing and the epitome of inspiration. I encourage anyone who reads my blog to check out Sean's: http://www.losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/. I've got 3 or 4 new blogs that I'm following that I need to add to my blogroll. I'm hoping to either get that done tonight or tomorrow. Sean's will be one of them. :)

Goal Stats:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 990
Carbs 62
Fat 41
Protein 101

Here's my food intake for the day:

Homemade turkey sausage (4 oz.)
1 whole egg, 1 egg white (accidentally dropped the yolk in the pan)
sauteed onions and mushrooms
2 c. decaf swiss almond mocha coffee w/ sugar-free creamer

Spicy & creamy Zucchini Soup (from Pam's food blog...totally awesome!) 2 cups

Aidells sun-dried tomato chicken/turkey sausage (FANTASTIC!!!) 2 of them
Arnold's whole wheat sandwich thin (wrapped one half around ea. sausage w/ lite mayo, ketchup and diced onions)

2 oz. baked chicken
2 c. decaf swiss almond mocha coffee w/ sugar-free creamer
1 protein water
32 oz. water
NO TEA....NO COKE.....and NO CHINESE!! GO (skinny) TAMMY!!

Quote For The Day:

"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." -Epictetus

High On Life....and a Mountain

Today has been fantastic! Not in the way of eating right, mind you, but in the way of me being utterly HAPPY today.

Dwayne, Scarlette and I all headed out on our day trip around 12:00pm. Before he got here, I had a sandwich for breakfast that was about 250 calories. I had also done my absolute best to ensure that I had enough healthy foods for my part of the picnic. Dwayne told me to pick him up an Italian sub from Quizno's. Before I headed out to get it, I looked up their subs, soup bowls, and salads online. Most of the stuff was pretty hideous, nutrition-wise, but I settled on a small grilled chicken Caesar salad w/ no dressing and no flatbread that came with it. It was 210 calories. I packed his sub and my salad along with some Wheat Thins toasted crackers, some low calorie blueberry banana muffins (135 calories and 2g of fat each) some bottled water and 2 of those little 8 oz cans (100 calories) of Coke for Dwayne and I to share. That way I'm only getting about 50 calories at a time instead of the full 140 calories that comes in a 12 oz. can. I'm slowly getting better. :)

We stopped at Kroger in Jasper so I could pick up some watermelon. When I got back out to the car it was nearly 1pm and we both decided we were starving. We had lunch in the car in the Kroger parking lot, lol. I ate about 3/4 of my salad and less than a cup of watermelon. We headed on up to Fort Mountain State Park which is part of the Cohutta Mountains. We drove in to a place where there were some trails and started walking. We saw signs that pointed us to "The Stone Wall" and "The Tower". Intrigued, we started on this path. There were stairs at the very start of the path. Bad sign, lol. There were rock stairs/steps ALL THE WAY UP to the Stone Wall......and even more to get up to the Tower.

I don't know exactly how far we walked, but from the time we headed up til the time we made it back down it took us TWO HOURS!! I was so proud of myself. Of course, I thought I was dying at the time. But it was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to ditch the treadmill today and go hiking somewhere scenic. Of course, I had no idea it was going to be stairs all the way up the mountain. My thigh muscles were on fire, my sides hurt, I gasped for air the entire way up the mountain....and I loved every minute of it. The woods we were walking in were so beautiful. There was lots of shade from all the trees, so that was a blessing. After reaching the top where the Tower was, we took another trail across and down some to a scenic overlook, which was basically a wooden deck they had built onto the side of the mountain. We were literally hanging out off the side of a mountain. The view was magnificent. You could see for miles, even into Tennessee. It was so gorgeous.

After leaving the overlook we had to climb back up for a ways, then we headed down, then it curved back up again, then back down. Like I said, when we reached the bottom, we had been hiking for a total of 2 hours. It was so awesome. Fresh mountain air, fantastic views, an awesome workout....the day couldn't have been better. :)

When we left and headed back towards home, we each had a muffin and we shared a Coke. I was now at about 700 calories for the day. We had to stop by his house on the way home, so by the time we got back to my place it was about 5:30pm. I was STARVING....to the point of a massive headache. I knew I hadn't eaten enough. I rushed to fix dinner for the two of us, which was shrimp and noodles and a salad, and then realized I'd forgotten it was Friday, not Saturday, and Shane was going to be home in a few minutes. I didn't cook enough food for 3 people! Only for Dwayne and I. Another dinner disaster.

Except this time, I didn't stress. I didn't freak. I didn't get upset in the least. What did I do instead? I turned today into Free Day for me and ordered Chinese!!! I'm not even going to pretend to act like I was anguished about my decision. I'm not guilt-ridden in the least. I split the dinner I cooked between the guys, and when my lo mein and egg roll got here, I ate half of the lo mein and I ate the egg roll, and I enjoyed every last sodium-filled bite. LOVED IT. GUILT-FREE.

Yes, I should have left Free Day for tomorrow since it's the 4th of July and we have to go to his mom's at 3pm to eat at a cookout. But I didn't. So now I'm going to eat as few calories as possible before I have to be over there, and just make the best choices I can when I get there. I also had 1 beer with dinner, and half of a 3 Musketeers bar. After my guilt-free meal, I got up and cleaned my kitchen and started some laundry, all with a smile on my face. Today has been fantastic all the way around. No stress, no guilt, lots of good exercise, some yummy food, and quality time with my guy and my puppy dog. I'm going to bed tonight a happy girl. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of." -Benjamin Franklin

Weigh-in Eve

This is going to be a really short post. Dwayne just left and I am totally exhausted. I was up til after 4am this morning due to taking a 4 hour nap yesterday afternoon, and got up at 8:15am this morning. I didn't do the treadmill because the pulled muscle has still been too sore to be bouncing around. I did a little grocery shopping and I've spent the majority of the rest of the day in bed. I didn't even cook dinner. I'm not posting my nutrition stats tonight because I don't know what they are. I know I had 575 left before dinner, and then Dwayne brought me a Greek salad w/ grilled chicken on it from our local Italian restaurant, Mellow Mushroom. I tried to look up their nutrition guide online but I didn't see one on their website. I think I came in around goal though. Wish me luck on tomorrow's weigh in!

Quote For The Day:

"The toughest part of getting to the top of the ladder is getting through the crowd at the bottom." -Anonymous

From Frustration to Fireflies

Ok, I'm back now and feeling a little more mellow. Before my dinner disaster I had a pretty good day. I went to my parents house and mowed the front and back yards of their house and their rental house next door. That was the first time I've mowed any grass in about 15 years. I'm not going to lie and say I enjoyed it, but it made me feel good to help my parents out, and I did have a feeling of accomplishment in the activity department when I finally got it finished.

I got home around 1-1:30p and had a half-hearted lunch of cheesesticks, hummus and crackers, mainly because I was too tired to stand in the kitchen and chop up veggies for a salad. I told you in my last post that I was wanting some restaurant food, so I was trying to use as few calories as possible during the day so I'd have a lot left at dinnertime in case I caved and did something stupid. I attempted to do the right thing and cook a healthy meal for my roommate and I, but we all know how that turned out. (Side note: After eating his turkey burger for dinner last night, Shane told me he now prefers turkey burger over ground beef. Just last week he told me he now prefers brown rice over white rice. We're making progress!)

I've been picking around, eating different stuff for dinner, trying to satisfy something that just isn't going to be satisfied tonight. I ate the asparagus and brown rice I fixed. I also cooked an egg and cheese sandwich and had that. Then I made some coffee and drank 2 cups of it, trying to make my stomach feel full so I'd stop eating.

I sent Dwayne a text and told him what happened to dinner and that I was having such a hard day. He sent a text back that said, "Don't cry over spilled milk." I can't tell you how bad that crawled under my skin. I swear, if he would of said, "Don't cry over spilled scallops" I would have crawled through that phone and beat him half to death. It's not treadmill day but I went down there anyway to burn off some frustration. I did a mile but this time I varied my speed between 3.4, 3.7 and 4.0. Yesterday I did my mile in 17:30, tonight I did it in 15:50. That felt good.

Goal Stats:

Calories 1750
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1539
Carbs 172
Fat 49
Protein 103

Here's my food intake for the day:

Turkey burger (whole wheat sandwich thin, lite mayo, ketchup)

2 lowfat mozzarella cheesesticks
Crackers & roasted pine nut hummus
1 can of Coke

1 c. brown rice
1/2 c. steamed asparagus
Egg & cheese sandwich (2 whole eggs, 1/4 c. red. fat ched. chz, 1 tbsp. lite mayo, sourdough)
2 c. coffee w/ sugar-free creamer

Lots of water
1 protein water

When I got back from my walk I went inside and made the coffee, fixed a cup, grabbed my puppy and went outside to sit on my porch. I was sitting there reflecting on the day, glad I came in under my calorie limit again, but wondering why some days have to be so hard. That's when I saw them. Fireflies. Or as we used to call them when we were kids....lightning bugs. :) Immediately I was transported back to my childhood.

My Maw Maw passed away a couple of months ago after a long struggle with Alzheimer's. Tonight was the first memory I've had of her since her death that I've smiled instead of cried. When I was a child we lived in Jacksonville, FL and would come up to Acworth, Ga. to visit my Maw Maw and Paw Paw. Sometimes the visits were during the summer months. I remember those hot summer nights. My grandparents didn't have air conditioning in their house so they would pull a string on the ceiling in the hallway and a loud attic fan would come on and send a breeze through the house. When it got dark out, my two sisters and I would go outside in their yard with our Mason jars, poke "air holes" in the lid, and capture lightning bugs. When we went to bed we'd sit them beside us on a little table, staring at them with child-like wonder. With the drone of the attic fan and the glow of the fireflies, we'd drift off into a peaceful slumber. To this day, that is still some of the best sleep I've ever had. 'Night all. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." -Helen Keller

Lessons Learned

I read a quote in one of Suzanne Sommer's books several years ago that said, "There are no mistakes in life...only lessons". I love that quote. It takes something negative, a mistake, and turns it into something positive, a learning experience. I learned a couple of things today.

After seeing my loss this morning, I taped up my blisters and went down to the treadmill and walked a mile. It hurt, but I was proud of myself. I came back to the apt and did some daily chores, sent some emails, made a couple of phone calls, cleaned out my frig, figured out the budget and bills for my roommate and I for this week and finally got in the car to go grocery shopping. I got about a mile down the road and my stomach started growling something fierce.
I looked at the clock and it was noon already. I ate breakfast at 7am. First of all, I was shocked that I made it 5 hours instead of 3 w/o feeling like I was dying. Then it hit me. I was going grocery shopping hungry. That's like the number one thing you don't want to do when going grocery shopping. Everyone knows that. How stoopid.

The more I thought about it, the louder my stomach growled and I could feel the anxiety coming on. I'm on a very tight food budget and the last thing I could afford to do was pick up everything I saw, and especially bad stuff. I knew I had to eat something. Then I remembered that I was supposed to put my pork loin roast on at 3pm to have it done by 6pm, it was now noon, and I had told mom I was coming to visit today. CRAP! Now I had to re-arrange things and go to Mom's first, then grocery shop so I could get the cold stuff home quickly. I pretty much knew there wasn't going to be anything at her house that I wanted to eat. Things were starting to look pretty hairy. Fast food? Noooooooo!!!!!! Not after losing 11.2 lbs in 12 days!! I couldn't do that to myself. Now what??? I finally decided it would be better to go ahead and swing into Publix on the way to mom's and get some chicken tenders. Fried chicken tenders. But if I only got 3 of them it would be better than a 1300 calorie meal at Arby's, right?

I pulled in the Publix parking lot absolutely drowning in guilt that I was about to eat something fried. Then, like a beacon of light, I saw the Subway. I forgot there was a Subway right next to Publix! Thank God, I'm saved.......I thought. I went inside and looked at their nutrition guide determined to make the best choice. I decided on a turkey sub on whole wheat w/ lite mayo, no cheese, and all the veggies. Then I made it a 12" instead of a 6". And THEN I told them "double meat". Doh! What a moron. Why did I do that, you ask? The answer is really quite simple. I did it out of habit.....second nature....didn't even give it a thought. I got in my car and ate the sub on the way to mom's, so glad that I avoided the fried stuff. After shoving the last bite in my mouth and swallowing it down I started to wonder why I felt so miserable. I was beyond satisfied, beyond full, beyond a little overboard. I was completely miserable. I wanted to puke for about 10-15 mins after I ate it until it had a chance to settle some.

It finally hit me. I was miserable because in the last 2 weeks, after limiting my calories, strictly watching them, and eating several small portions throughout the day instead of 3 or 4 huge ones, my stomach had finally started to shrink! Imagine that!? This healthy eating crap really works!! Although I feel like a complete moron for eating that much (700 calories in one meal), I'm also kind of glad I did. I learned a couple of things. First of all, I don't ever see me buying another 12" sub in my life. I now know not to do it out of habit, because it will make me feel sick if I eat all of it. Secondly, I don't ever see me ordering double meat on another sub in my life. I've actually started getting used to eating 3-4oz portions of meat. I discovered today that I know longer like eating meals that are 3x the size of my face in one sitting. I found that I PREFER the smaller portions every 3-4 hours, and that I prefer feeling a little hungry inbetween instead of busting-at-the-seams miserable. This is a MAJOR breakthrough for me. After a couple of weeks of eating better and correct portions, my body, my preferences and my outlook towards food are changing, and after so many long years of being obese...I can't tell you how good that feels. I'm changing. I'm getting healthier. I'm feeling better. And most importantly, I'm learning. And that can only lead to a better "me".

Because of this huge faux pas as far as my daily calorie limit is concerned, I decided to relieve some anxiety and just made today my Free Day for the week instead of Saturday. We don't have anything special going on tomorrow w/ anyone, so I'm excited about waking up in the morning and starting anew. I already know exactly what I'm going to eat, and what I've got for the guys to eat, so there will be no mistakes.

I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm traveling on with a little brighter outlook now. I'm improving, Im making progress, I'm growing and learning, and the struggles are getting easier by the day. Well, except for one category......cravings. But that's going to be a whole other post. :)

Weigh-in Worries

I came in 201 calories UNDER my limit for the day! I'm sure this is mostly due to the stress of pre-weigh in day and not wanting to screw anything up. I did have a bit of control yanked away from me today though....I started my monthly cycle. I'm quite P.O.'d about it, but I guess there's no sense in cussing out Mother Nature....she doesn't listen too well. So whatever tomorrow's weigh in is, hopefully the next week will be even better. Tomorrow also starts my new calorie count of 1750 so we'll see how that affects next week's weigh in.

Goal Stats:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1349
Carbs 166
Fat 19
Protein 166

Here's my food intake for the day:

Breakfast casserole (this is gone now so I have no idea what I'm having tmrw)

Turkey burger (these are also gone)
1 Coke

Shrimp & Veggie casserole (shrimp, mushrm, onion, spinach, fat free cheese, egg whites)

Fresh salsa and 7 Baked Tostitos scoops
2 c. coffee
protein water
lots of regular water
3 Musketeers bar

I woke up late this morning and was stressing about my weight loss not being high enough tomorrow and never made it down to the treadmill. But I didn't want my day to be totally void of activity so I did a few exercises in the apartment. I did 50 stomach crunches, 10 lower ab leg lifts, 20 arm excercises, and I have a scissor-like exercise machine that my parents gave me. You can either push with your legs and extend your body, or adjust the machine and pull with your arms to lift all of your weight. I did 20 of each of these.

I know I put in a great effort this week with calorie counting so I hope I show a decent loss tomorrow morning despite nature's cruelty. I told Pam if I don't see at least 4lbs gone then I'm going to get a sackful of Krystal's. That's when she promptly told me she'd firmly plant her foot in my posterior. What are best friends for? :)

Ants In My Pants

Today is a win! Only 10 calories over today and that's not enough to fret over. I had some trouble on the treadmill this morning. I was shooting for another mile like I did yesterday but couldn't make it that far. I wore blisters inbetween two toes on each foot yesterday and when I hopped on and started walking this morning they were killing me. They are so raw. I pushed myself as far as I could and made it 3/4 of a mile. Then I had to get off because my toes were just too squished together in the tennis shoes. Tomorrow I plan on wrapping all 4 toes in band-aids before I head down to walk. Hopefully that will take care of the problem.

I've had cabin fever for a while, feeling ancy, wanting to get out and do stuff but don't have anyone to do anything with. My friends all have JOBS (imagine that), my sister Brandy lives too far away, and my Mom is off for the summer, but stays insanely busy. So this morning I sent Dwayne a text msg and told him he should take the day off and go with me and the puppy to the park for a picnic. I knew he wouldn't, he's got a very good work ethic and very rarely plays hookie. Then he called me at 11am and said he's coming over and we're getting out of the apartment today. Woo hoo!

I ran to Publix and got him an Italian sub out of their deli, stared at their Mojo chicken wings (my favorite thing in their deli), drooled for about 5 minutes, then tore myself away and ran back home. I made myself the turkey burger that I had already planned on having today, packed us some watermelon and bottles of water, and off we went! We went to Kennesaw Mountain Civil War Battlegrounds. We had a nice little picnic under the shade of some beautiful trees, then drove to the top of the mountain. We got out of the car with Scarlette, my baby puppy dog, and walked the rest of the way to the top.

It wasn't far, but it was definitely uphill. Dwayne, with his skinny little chicken legs, went scurrying up the mountain like a spring lizard. I was so jealous. I huffed and puffed and followed up behind him, grappling for every breath. My thigh muscles were ON FIRE, but I was happy. I was out of the apt, spending time with my honey bunny and my baby girl, getting some sunshine, I ate within my calorie limit, and I was exercising in the middle of some beautiful scenery. I knew I sounded like I was about to keel over, so while struggling for air I told Dwayne, "I know...(gasp)...it sounds like...(gasp)...I'm dying here......(long gasp)......but...(gasp)...I...(gasp)...really am...(gasp)...enjoying this." He turned around with a sweet look on his face, chuckled a little, and said, "I know you are baby....you're doing great." I forgot to tell everyone the sweet thing he did last week. I called him last Friday morning after I got on the scale and squealed in his ear about my 6 lb. loss. He was extremely proud of me and congratulated my hard work over and over. When he came over that night after work, he had in hand the food processor that I've been wanting FOREVER and couldn't afford to buy. I was so surprised and excited...I was jumping up and down and squealing again like it was Christmas morning. He told me that he knew how bad I wanted to make Pam's homemade hummus and other healthy stuff and that this was a little reward for my first 6 lb. loss. How sweet is that?? :)

I appreciate all of you who offered me suggestions on the two topics I asked about last night. As far as the calories go, I'm going to go with Pam's advice. She suggested that changing it up every week would probably prevent a plateau from happening as soon and that makes perfect sense to me. Changing it every single week should keep my body from being able to get used to anything, so I'm going to give that a shot. Her, Rebecca and Mom also suggested that I not use food as a reward (the big plate of seafood I mentioned), so food is out. Thanks ladies! I'm thinking of taking an overnight trip about an hour and a half north of here, but have to talk to my friend Lori tomorrow to see if it will be possible. Her Aunt owns a lakehouse in Blairsville, and we don't have to pay to stay there, so I'm going to see if it's available either next wknd or the week after, provided I hit the 15 lbs by next wknd. If not, definitely by the week after. The only thing I'll have to pay for is my food, so that makes it a nice reward that I can actually afford. I hope it works out. :)

Goal stats:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1560
Carbs 158
Fat 36
Protein 172

Pam gave me such a wonderful, incredibly low calorie/low fat recipe for dinner that I had enough calories left over for a yummy little egg white/canadian bacon/chz sandwich this evening. Dinner was chicken florentine and she'll be listing it on her food blog soon.

Here's my food intake for the day:

Breakfast casserole
2 c. coffee

Turkey burger (Arnold's whole wheat sandwich thin, turkey burger, tomato, onion, lite mayo)
6 baby dill pickles
1 c. watermelon

Chicken florentine w/ brown rice (I added yellow squash and zucchini to get some more veggies)

Salad (romaine, spinach, broccoli slaw, onions, tomatoes, carrots, celery, hummus)
1 tbsp. lite Italian dressing
1 pc. Russell Stover Sugar Free 60% cacoa dark chocolate
protein water
lots of regular water
1 c. orange pomegranate red tea, mixed 2/3 unsweet, 1/3 sweet
sandwich (2 egg whites, 2 pc. Can. bacon, reduced fat ched chz, whole wheat sandwich thin)

Well tomorrow is the most important eating day of the week.....the day before weigh day. I still have the same feelings of wanting to gorge myself on big fat roast beef sandwiches and curly fries so let's hope my resolve stays in tact. I'm hoping to see a good loss this week. I'm signing off so I can go email Lori about that lake house. Keep your fingers crossed for me. :)

Suggestion Box

Today was not a win. I went over my calories but it wasn't horrendous so I'm not going to freak. I am mad at myself for pushing myself over though with a stupid half of a can of Sprite. I was sitting at 1547....another win....and then decided I didn't want anymore water today....I wanted something carbonated....just a little....like half of a can. Well that stupid decision cost me 70 dang calories and turned today into a loss. How stoopid.

Goal:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today:

Calories 1617
Carbs 220
Fat 32
Protein 130

Here is my food intake for the day:

Breakfast casserole
2 c. coffee w/ sugar free creamer

Turkey burger on Arnold's whole wheat mini thin w/ lite mayo, dijon, ketchup, tomato, onion
6 baby dill pickles

Turkey stroganoff (ground turkey, whole wheat noodles, fat free sour cream, beef broth, milk)

Hummus and crackers
Protein water
Lots of regular water
glass of orange pomegranate red tea mixed 2/3 sweet, 1/3 sweet
1/2 can of Sprite.....grrrr
3 Musketeers fun size bar

I must tell you about my excellent dinner. Go to Pam's lobsterandfishsticks blog on my blogroll and look up the beef stroganoff. She found a way to healthify one of my favorite comfort foods w/o sacrificing any of the taste. It is absolutely wonderful and all of you MUST try it. The only thing I did to change the recipe is use some ground turkey burger because that's what I had, and was trying to save some calories over using beef. I followed everything else and it was soooooo good. Thanks Pam! You are so awesome, you little healthy-cooking guru!

I've been thinking about a couple of different things that I just can't seem to make up my mind about and I need to enlist your help. I need suggestions!! The first issue at hand is whether or not I should switch up my calorie count. My doctor told me a while back that if trying to lose weight, you should never eat the same amount of calories more than a week in a row. She said, for example, eat 1200 one week and 1400 the next and just keep switching back and forth. Since we know I'm already at 1550, then that means raising it to 1750 next week. My hesitation is probably obvious to everyone reading this. More calories eaten = less pounds lost. My doctor said this keeps your body from getting used to any one thing, because when it does, it adjusts to the lower intake and the weight loss slows. So according to her, raising the calories back and forth is actually supposed to help me. I suppose I could do 1550 for 2 wks, like I'm in the middle of doing now, and then do 1750 for 1 week, then switch back again. I just can't decide. Everyone, tell me what you think, either by posting a comment at the end of this post, or sending me a private email at tammyjortagus@yahoo.com.

The second thought is a happy one. I was trying to think of a way to put a positive twist on this weight loss thing and then it finally hit me.....REWARDS!!! Do you know during the entire time I lost that 83 lbs, I never rewarded myself at any stage of it? Not even at the end! 83 whopping lbs and no reward! Not this time. This time I'm going to reward my efforts, and I'm going to do it frequently to keep the positivity flowing. I thought of a couple of different things, but my imagination is limited. Maybe a new piece of clothing. Maybe a big plate of my favorite....SEAFOOD...grilled, of course, and probably on a Free Day. Maybe a little wknd trip to the mountains if I can do some cleaning for Mom and make some money to stay in a cheap hotel over night. That's as far as I've gotten with my thoughts. I want your suggestions! I'm also trying to decide at what intervals I want to do this. I first thought 20 lbs, but nah, that's too long. I want this to be FUN!! I think I'm going to go with a reward every 15 lbs. That's 6 rewards between now and goal weight and that sounds like awesome incentives! Let me know soon on both topics....and thanks for the help! :)

Just Do It

This is going to be a quick post 'cause I've got to hit the showers. I just got off the treadmill! I finally got started. Yes, I'm pouring sweat and everything on my body hurts right now, but it was worth it. I'm glad I got started back. I walked 1 mile at a speed of 3.4 and it took me 17 min and 50 seconds. Of course there were 50 reasons why I didn't want to get started back, but I pushed them all aside and went with Nike on this one. Just do it. And I did. :)

The Calm After The Storm

Get comfy.....this is gonna' be a long one.

I realize that the better part of my blog so far has been negative. I've thought about that, felt bad about it, figured I should change it to something more positive, and keep coming back around to the word "no". This blog is helping me worlds over because it's exactly what I want it to be most.....it's real. It's my day by day, sometimes hour by hour, real life struggle to beat my addiction to overeating. It would be nice if it was a "feel good" blog filled with inspirational quotes, healthy living tips, taste great-low cal recipes, etc. but that's not where I am yet. I'm in a daily struggle to beat the demons disguised as fat cells that have taken over and ruined my life. This is my blog, created to help me, and anyone who wants to follow me through the muck and the mire while I get to where I'm going is welcome and appreciated. If it helps someone in the process, then I'm happy about that. If it only serves the purpose to help me work through my addiction, then I couldn't be more thankful for it.

With that said, I've got some good news to report. I haven't eaten another morsel of food since the last blog I posted. Not one crumb. Considering how high my anxiety levels were earlier this afternoon, I can not be more PROUD of myself. I have stayed UNDER my calorie limit for the 2nd day in a row. Today is another win. :)

I've had a couple of private emails from friends who think I'm restricting my caloric intake too much due to the anxiety I'm expressing in my posts and my constant feeling of hunger. In case there are anymore of you out there who are thinking the same thing and are just too afraid to contact me about it, let me go ahead and address this issue once and for all for everyone to read. Here's my line of thinking. When I signed up at SparkPeople to record and follow my nutrition stats, I put in my current weight and my goal weight. They also asked for the date I wanted to lose it by. I set a goal of 10 lbs a month. Everyone knows the recommended amt. for healthy weight loss, and to keep it off, is 1-2 lbs/wk. My goal is 2.5/wk. That is hardly an outrageous number, but I purposely set it a little high above the recommended amt. in order to push myself a little harder. I have been lazy about taking care of my body for years. It's time for a little hard work.

When I put these goal weights and dates in, it spit out a # for me to follow. I feel like if I had entered an unreasonable date....say, I want to lose 92 lbs in 3 months.....they wouldn't have given me any numbers.....they would have given me a tutorial on what a healthy rate of weight loss is. Their website is awesome, chock full of information about getting and staying healthy, and I trust that they know what they're doing.

They gave me a range of 1200-1550 calories a day. They are telling me it's ok to eat only 1200 calories a day, and I'm choosing the max of 1550. The reason that I'm stressing each day to stay under this limit or as close to it as possible is because I'm already figuring I'll eventually screw up, and probably in a big way. So if I eat my limit for the day, totally lose my mind, and decide I need a turkey burger that's 350 calories, I'm still a ways under 2,000 & should be ok. However, give me an inch, and I'm liable to take 3 miles. If I up the limit to 1700-1800.....then I might eat 2100, or even more. Trust me people. I know me. I know my track record. There is a method to the madness, even if you don't see it, or don't agree with it. For those of you who have mentioned this to me, thank you. You're showing me that you care, that you're pulling for me, and I just love you to pieces. :)

Now for how I managed to not eat anything for the rest of the day. First off, I told myself I needed to calm down. I needed to slow down, stop freaking, breathe, think, chill. I had blogged and gotten it out of my system and it was time to relax and not screw this up royally. Rebecca from "screwdestiny" had commented on one of my previous blogs and left me a good quote. I can't remember the exact words but the jist of it is that people put more importance on what they want now, ahead of what they want most. It's been running through my head all afternoon. I've been concentrating on what I want most. I kept putting off eating anything, waiting to see how long I could go. I did some laundry, washed dishes and cleaned my kitchen, took a long bath, called a friend on the phone and chatted for a while....I thought about eating, but I just held it in the back of my mind and brought other things to the forefront. I also kept thinking about Lyn at EscapefromObesity. She says to just slow down and think about what you're doing, or about to do. That's what I did.

Shane called to say he had decided to go to the food trough otherwise known as Golden Corral. I could have killed him for that. It was seafood night. Have I mentioned that seafood is my favorite food in the world? Of course, it wouldn't have been great seafood at a place like that....but some shrimp are better than no shrimp. I thought about it. For about 10 seconds. Nope. Not gonna' do it. Out of the question.....time to play fetch with the dog! I did that. Time to watch a new show on TV you've never seen before! I did that, too.

I did lots of stuff, but what I didn't do is overeat. I did not exceed my limit. I made it through another day. Thank you God for giving me the strength to resist a binge and the perseverance to press on towards my goal. Here are my stats for today:

Goal:

Calories 1550

Today's Amt.:

Calories 1523

There's one more thing I've been thinking about all through the day. My parents have become faithful followers of my blog. I have been blessed with the most loving, supportive, encouraging, completely wonderful parents in the world. They just don't come any better and I thank God for them every single day. Dad emailed me a couple of times this morning, and on the last email he sent one sentence. He doesn't say a whole lot, so when he does, I try to pay attention. He said, "There's no truer statement than mind over matter". He's right. Making your mind up is the biggest part of the battle, no matter what you're dealing with. One of the things he's told me over and over all through life is that I can do anything I want to if I put my mind to it. I can be anything I want to be. Do you know what the awesome power is in that statement? He actually believes that about me. And sometimes.....that's all it takes. :)

Hey Dad....make sure you check the blog before lunchtime tomorrow so I can tell you how far I walked on the treadmill. I think I've finally got my focus. I'm gonna' beat this thing. :)