Off The Wagon...Again

Well.  The same thing happened that happened back in Dec.  I walked into the Dept of Labor yesterday and was told I have 2 weeks of pay left.  I thought since I'd already been through this once, that I was better prepared to deal with it.  I wasn't.  The exact same thing happened that happened the last time.  I got an instant surging pain in my brain that required some Excedrin Migraine medicine.  My mind just nutted right up...I didn't go to the gym.  All I did was call Dwayne and apprise him of the situation (translation:  in 2 weeks time, I'm going to need you to pay all of my bills)....and went home.  The crying only lasted about 5 mins, because once you've been through this before, the shock value isn't nearly as bad.  But as it turns out, the fear is exactly the same.  The mind-numbing guilt of having to rely on Dwayne to pay for my every need is the same. 

I just sat in my bedroom and stared at the walls for a couple of hours.  I went to my sister's house, as planned, to babysit.  She handed me $10 and told me to take the kids to Chic-fil-A for dinner...AGAIN.  Sure.  No problem.  I don't give a crap about anything right now.  Fried sodium for everyone!!!  Then this morning, it was snowing really heavy, so she had me follow her out of the neighborhood (which means down the curvy mountain roads).  I had the kids in the car with me.  She slid a couple of times, but I managed to stay in her tire tracks and we made it out...but it was a painfully slow drive for about an hour and a half.  Then she stopped at a Cracker Barrel for breakfast.  Why not???  I don't care about anything but being destitute!!  Calories, shmalories.  Eh.  Whatever.

So....I haven't counted the first calorie in 2 days now.  I've had 3 restaurant meals in the last 2 days.  I've only had 4 glasses of water in the last 2 days.  And I haven't been to the gym in the last 2 days.  I'm starting to really hate Fridays. 

I'm not even going to pretend that I give a crap right now, because the God's honest truth is that I don't.  Maybe on the outside fringes of my mind I do, but 98% of my brain couldn't care less.  I know this is toxic thinking, and I know where it will get me.  It got me about a 20 lb. gain just a few months ago when everything went south.  I'm only 2 days into the abyss right now.  Technically, I still have a chance to save myself, in regards to the world of weight loss.  Technically. 

I'm not making any promises, but I will say that I am going to attempt to "act as if" I care tomorrow.  I'm going to try to go to the gym with Billie tomorrow night as we are normally scheduled to do.  I'm going to try to keep the cals under 1800....asking for 1500 is just laughable to me right now.  I am going to try to drink plenty of water.  I hope I make it.  I hope I can climb out now.  I'm scared if I don't I might not ever make it back out this time.  A girl gets tired of trying, especially when so many things are working against her.  Did I just say "I'm scared"?  Ok....maybe than 2% of my brain cares.....maybe it's a whole 3%.    I'm also going to read some blogs and leave some comments.  I need some inspiration.  That always seems to help.  'Nite friends. 

Quote For the Day:

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do.  Where there's love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."  -Ella Fitzgerald