Off The Wagon...Again

Well.  The same thing happened that happened back in Dec.  I walked into the Dept of Labor yesterday and was told I have 2 weeks of pay left.  I thought since I'd already been through this once, that I was better prepared to deal with it.  I wasn't.  The exact same thing happened that happened the last time.  I got an instant surging pain in my brain that required some Excedrin Migraine medicine.  My mind just nutted right up...I didn't go to the gym.  All I did was call Dwayne and apprise him of the situation (translation:  in 2 weeks time, I'm going to need you to pay all of my bills)....and went home.  The crying only lasted about 5 mins, because once you've been through this before, the shock value isn't nearly as bad.  But as it turns out, the fear is exactly the same.  The mind-numbing guilt of having to rely on Dwayne to pay for my every need is the same. 

I just sat in my bedroom and stared at the walls for a couple of hours.  I went to my sister's house, as planned, to babysit.  She handed me $10 and told me to take the kids to Chic-fil-A for dinner...AGAIN.  Sure.  No problem.  I don't give a crap about anything right now.  Fried sodium for everyone!!!  Then this morning, it was snowing really heavy, so she had me follow her out of the neighborhood (which means down the curvy mountain roads).  I had the kids in the car with me.  She slid a couple of times, but I managed to stay in her tire tracks and we made it out...but it was a painfully slow drive for about an hour and a half.  Then she stopped at a Cracker Barrel for breakfast.  Why not???  I don't care about anything but being destitute!!  Calories, shmalories.  Eh.  Whatever.

So....I haven't counted the first calorie in 2 days now.  I've had 3 restaurant meals in the last 2 days.  I've only had 4 glasses of water in the last 2 days.  And I haven't been to the gym in the last 2 days.  I'm starting to really hate Fridays. 

I'm not even going to pretend that I give a crap right now, because the God's honest truth is that I don't.  Maybe on the outside fringes of my mind I do, but 98% of my brain couldn't care less.  I know this is toxic thinking, and I know where it will get me.  It got me about a 20 lb. gain just a few months ago when everything went south.  I'm only 2 days into the abyss right now.  Technically, I still have a chance to save myself, in regards to the world of weight loss.  Technically. 

I'm not making any promises, but I will say that I am going to attempt to "act as if" I care tomorrow.  I'm going to try to go to the gym with Billie tomorrow night as we are normally scheduled to do.  I'm going to try to keep the cals under 1800....asking for 1500 is just laughable to me right now.  I am going to try to drink plenty of water.  I hope I make it.  I hope I can climb out now.  I'm scared if I don't I might not ever make it back out this time.  A girl gets tired of trying, especially when so many things are working against her.  Did I just say "I'm scared"?  Ok....maybe than 2% of my brain cares.....maybe it's a whole 3%.    I'm also going to read some blogs and leave some comments.  I need some inspiration.  That always seems to help.  'Nite friends. 

Quote For the Day:

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do.  Where there's love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."  -Ella Fitzgerald

Sodium Sucks

I wasn't able to flush all the sodium from Wednesday night's dinner out.  And I know it's a sodium problem because I weighed less than this Wednesday morning, and have stayed within my calories and kept exercising.  I knew better and I just didn't care at the time.  I must always remind myself when I'm about to do something stupid that I will most definitely care when Friday gets here.....and that Friday comes around every single week.  My weigh-in is 234.0 this morning for a gain of 3 lbs.  Great way to start off my new month.  Have a good weekend everyone.

Guest Post: Popcorn Perils

Let's all send Tammy our hellos and love across cyberspace!

Tammy asked me to guest post for her tonight - she's got some things going can't get on to post this evening, and since she didn't post last night, she didn't want to go two days during the week without a post, so here I am!

I was planning on talking about this on my own blog, so I'll just hijack my own post....

On both The Today show and The CBS Early Show this morning, they touched on a new report on a not so new subject of the perils of popcorn, more specifically, movie theater popcorn.

I can easily remember in my younger, more "I don't give a care what I am shoving into my body" days, walking into a theater and plopping down with a big ol bag of popcorn, a big, sweet soda and clutching a beautiful box of candy in my other hand, all ready to enjoy whatever I came to see. Of course, before the lights went dim for the previews, I had already inhaled my bounty, and usually had a little soda left to sip on throughout the show.

Of course, over the last few years, we have heard about the unbelievable caloric totals that the popcorn at most theaters, but a new study went a little more in depth.

Here are a few excerpts from The Today Show Article:

New laboratory tests conducted by the non-profit Center for Science in the Public Interest reveal that a $12 medium-popcorn-and-soda combo sold at Regal, the country’s largest movie-theater chain, contains 1,610 calories and 60 grams of saturated fat — the equivalent of three McDonald’s Quarter Pounders with 12 pats of butter.

At AMC theaters, serving sizes are smaller but can still pack a wallop. A large popcorn has 1,030 calories and 57 grams of saturated fat — the equivalent of a pound of baby back ribs topped with a scoop of Häagen-Dazs ice cream, but with more fat.

At Cinemark, which pops its popcorn in heart-healthy canola oil, a large popcorn has 910 calories with 4 grams of saturated fat. “Though popping in canola gives this chain’s popcorn far less saturated fat than its competitors, it’s almost as high in calories and has the most sodium — about twice as much as Regal or AMC,” the Center for Science in the Public Interest said in a statement.

The giant sodas served at the movies also take a toll, the study said. To name just one example, a 54-ounce large soda at Regal has 33 teaspoons of sugar and 500 empty calories.

And don’t forget about the candy: A 5-ounce bag of Twizzlers contains 15 teaspoons of sugar. A 7-ounce box of Nerds contains 46 teaspoons of sugar. And an 8-ounce bag of Reese’s Pieces contains 1,160 calories and 35 grams of saturated fat.

I think back at how I used to eat so haphazardly and am surprised I was able to make it to 38. It also makes me very aware of the perils that are still out there, and how so many people choose to ignore them. The article also mentioned how some theaters tried to offer more healthy options a few years ago (1994), and they all flopped significantly.

One point, however, is that none of the theaters offer nutritional information to their patrons, and while in general, the "people just have no idea what they are eating" excuse is a dumb one, I do think seeing this information could possibly deter a few individuals from making these choices.

I know that a movie is a special treat that most of us do not have as a frequent occurrence in our day to day activities, so special treats seem to deserve allowances for extra indulgences, don't you agree? But, when you consider a drink, a popcorn and a box of candy combined has potentially 3,270 calories, and copious grams of saturated fats, sugars and sodium, is a movie really worth it?

I say smuggle in your own air popped popcorn, a bottle of water and enjoy the show!

Thanks Tammy! Its been fun!

Pam: Journey To The Healthier Side of Life

Stay Tuned...

When I got up this morning, I took a peek at the scale, and was planning on writing a pretty confident post tonight about tomorrow's weigh-in. Then I got back on it a couple of hours ago and I've gained 6 lbs over the course of the day. I swear, my body is so effed up. I've done everything right...not much sodium, under 1500 calories, walked/jogged 4 miles at the park this morning....just amazes me how that can happen. So....Thurday (weigh-in eve) has been just as stressful today as they've always been. I think I've been holding my breath for the last 2 hours. I need to go to bed and get this over with tomorrow morning. Tomorrow's post, along with the weigh-in, will be about a couple of changes I'm planning on making this week in my quest for consistency. Let's pray I don't REALLY eff things up and gain 10 lbs next week, lol. 'Nite friends. :)

Quote For the Day:

"It is much easier to go down a hill than up, but the view is much better at the top." -Henry Ward Beecher

Treadmill Thwarted

Grrrrrrrr....I have been so upset this afternoon/evening/night. I have got serious knee issues and I don't know why. I guess it's possible that I twisted or strained something yesterday while moving stuff to the new house...but I didn't notice it at the time. I noticed it today when getting ready to go to the treadmill. Figures. The right side of my right knee is throbbing...like the tendon on the side that runs just above the knee cap to just below it. It's very weak, and there's a sickening feeling when I walk like the knee is going to blow out to the right or something. It feels gross and it hurts like hell. I went to bed at 11pm tonight without posting because it was hurting so bad. I got back up at 1:15am, unable to sleep, because it's throbbing beyond belief. I'm fixing to go take some Advil and see if it's an inflammation problem. Everyone knows that I've been trying to get off a sodium gain from this past birthday weekend, and now I can't exercise until this clears up. I am more than just a little miffed to say the least. I'm also really disappointed that if it doesn't get better soon, I won't be able to go hiking with Dwayne this weekend. Crap, crap, crap. Goodnight.

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

First I want to say thanks to everyone who has commented on my posts. I have read every one of them, but haven't had time to respond to everyone due to a REALLY busy and enjoyable weekend. But I have noticed....and thanks to those who aren't even followers on my blog, but have stopped by to leave their kind words. You're a fantastic bunch of people and I'm really enjoying the comraderie that is forming with us. :)

My weekend has been spectacular. You already know about the 2.5 mile hike on Friday and the 4 mile hike yesterday. We decided not to hike today and just let our bodies rest. I ran out to the salon and got a pedicure with the money Dwayne gave me for it last week....very sweet. I did a few chores around the house, just enjoying my day until Dwayne showed up to take me to Outback for dinner. I thought his gift-giving was complete but I was happily mistaken.

Last weekend, when he thought it was my birthday and was actually a week early, he gave me $100 for new clothes, $40 for the pedicure and 2 awesome books that I've really been enjoying this week. Today he gave me the sweetest card....4 beautiful candles with lovely scents....and a pair of diamond earrings in the shape of little flowers....they are gorgeous!! I explained before in a post entitled "My Guy" that Dwayne shows his love through giving you material items and cash...it looks like he loves me a lot! :)

Regarding the food this weekend....it's been bad. I admit it. I had a 3 lb loss this past Friday and will probably follow that up with a 5 lb. gain this week. I'm not being melodramatic. I got on the scale this morning and I've gained 5 lbs. since Friday and not sure if I'll be able to get it off in the next 4 short days!

Friday I had a light breakfast and a light dinner but after our 2.5 mile hike we had a heavy lunch in a restaurant. Sodium. Saturday I had a light breakfast and 2 c. of watermelon for lunch....maybe a total of 350 calories before dinner....but for dinner we had that food from the Publix deli...some of it was fried...plus MORE sodium. Today I had a light breakfast and a light lunch....maybe 500 calories before dinner. But then we went to Outback. I had 1 grilled chicken breast, 3 grilled shrimp, 1/2 of my rice pilaf, 1/2 of my grilled veggies, and HALF A LOAF of that dang bread they bring you!!! Plus EVEN MORE SODIUM!!!

I'm not worried about the gain that I so very much deserve and will probably see this Friday and here's why. My mind is still in the right place. I was conscious of every eating choice I made this weekend. It's unrealistic to think I will never eat in a restaurant again.....although most weekends I don't and won't be eating restaurant meals 3 consecutive days like I did this time! But that's just the way the weekend went, I enjoyed every single second of my stress-free weekend....the hikes way more than the food. And I've still got a tight grip on the overall picture and goal.

The weekend was full of sodium...... but it was also full of hiking, together time with my guy and my puppy dog, some lovely birthday gifts, positive thoughts and lots of laughter...and this will usurp any disappointment I earned on the scale this week. The next week will be better and will produce a loss....I just know it! I've got this thing...I'm going to beat it. I've never been filled with so much resolve in my entire life. I've never been so SURE of something before. I know I'm going to slay Obesity. I know I'm going to win. Not exactly sure how long it will take me....hopefully by next April....but if it's a little longer....it doesn't really matter....Obesity is going down!!! It's days are numbered...and that's an incredibly powerful feeling. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Goals are the fuel in the furnace of achievement." -Brian Tracy

Sodium.....So Stoopid

Today has pretty much sucked all the way around, lol. Some days are just going to be that way, and this is one of them. I had an argument with a girlfriend today....the one that just happened to be throwing me a pool party for my birthday this Sunday with all of our other friends, so needless to say, no more party. Bummer. My friend is still upset with me. Bigger bummer. I made dinner in the crockpot today and I didn't like it. Another bummer. And Mother Nature paid me a visit this week. Biggest bummer of all.

First of all, I hate drama with friends. I find it completely draining and a total waste of energy, but life isn't perfect, and sometimes these things happen. Secondly, I've always been a huge fan of birthdays. It's the one special day a year that all of your friends a family gather 'round to celebrate you and the importance of you being in their life, and them in yours. I love birthdays. So the fact that mine might end up being a downer this year is really discouraging to me.

Mother Nature and I have NEVER been friends. I'm working my big butt off as hard as I can, focusing..focusing..focusing, staying within my calorie limit, walking on the treadmill daily as fast as I can go...pushing myself to my limits...and then she shows up, plops down right in the middle of all my progress, and asks, "How does a 3 lb. gain sound this week?" Grrrrrr.

Here's the stoopid sodium part. As if it weren't bad enough that I'm battling bloating this week and working my butt off just to try my best to maintain and not gain this week....I end up with a dinner I just didn't like, feeling totally unsatisfied, totally drained from the day's drama and cranky from the cramps...and took myself right down to Los Reyes for some chicken soft tacos.

I had 800 calories left for the day, so I didn't go over my limit. I did my walk on the treadmill this morning, so I'm cool there. But I just didn't need the sodium. I was already in a tangle with Mother Nature, and I had to go and add insult to injury. Doh! How stoopid. Really, really stoopid.

Now I know from reading so many weight loss blogs that there are people out there who eat in restaurants/fast food every single week, and still show a substantial loss on weigh day. They're staying in their calorie limit, but somehow they're winning out over the sodium. I don't know if they're just lucky, if my system is whacked, if they're drowning themselves in vats of water to get rid of it, overdosing on water pills, or what. But I know from experience that sodium is the enemy for me and my body and that makes today's choice a really bad one. So, whatever ensuing gain I show on the scale this Friday, aside from my cycle, is completely well-deserved.

Going For The Gold!!!

Today has been A-W-E-S-O-M-E!! By now everyone knows that this morning's weigh-in was a bust. I gained 1.6 lbs. on the 4th week. Only 4 weeks into it and I've already got a gain. I could look at it like that.

I choose to look at it like this.....I knew yesterday it was going to be bad so I got busy trying to figure out how to do better. I took advice from people who have "been there, done that" as well as advice from a friend who's a registered nurse, pondered all of it, and developed a plan to make this week better. Of course, I have no way of knowing how it will work out until next weigh day. Truth be told, I could still be doing some things wrong. That's not the point. The point is, I'm doing my best to be proactive in losing the weight, trying new things to see what works for me because everyone's different, and I'm learning as I go. As long as I'm open to continuously learning, helpful criticism, and willing to do "whatever it takes" (as Dad so wisely told me this morning), then I can only get better.

I left out early this morning to meet my two sisters, Brandy and Amy, and my adorable little nieces and nephews....Grace and Carla, age 4, Elijah, age 2 1/2 and Cyress, age 2. We took the babies to a farm in Cartersville so they could feed and pet the animals. I just can't tell you how much I enjoyed it. Yes, the kids drive me nuts when they're all in the same house running around playing and screaming and "being kids" (much of this due to the fact that I don't have any children of my own and am just not used to the chaos). But when we're out and about, actually doing something that they enjoy and that holds their attention....well it's just the coolest thing in the world to be a part of.

There were lots of animals for the kids to interact with and the guy showing us around the farm was extremely knowledgeable on all of them. I tipped him $10 for taking the time to educate us and for his patience with the kids. He made the trip a pleasure. We got to see camels (including a baby one), a young cow that the kids got to walk right up to and pet...he wasn't fenced in, he just freely roams around the farm, some beautiful peacocks, a porcupine, tortoises, baby kangaroos, cockatiels, macaws, donkeys, horses, goats (including one that was only a week old and the most adorable thing you've ever seen), ostriches, emus, the biggest bull I've ever seen in my life who just happened to be named Buttercup, a Mexican bull that had a rack like a Texas longhorn, and zebras. Very, very cool. The kids had a great time, they got to feed and pet most of the animals w/ the exception of the bulls, and they asked if we would bring them back again. Of course we will!!

Brandy had told me the night before that we were going to swing thru McDonald's for breakfast on our way to the farm. I was prepared and ate my breakfast casserole this morning before I left...183 calories. Of course when we pulled thru, I could smell those Egg McMuffins. I've mentioned before that my sense of smell is my biggest saboteur when it comes to food. But I held strong and resisted the temptation. After we left the farm, I knew we'd be going to lunch, but didn't know where. I wasn't too worried about it because my sister Brandy is very conscious of her weight and never varies more than 5 lbs. She is 6' tall and weighs 155 lbs. She's a stick and she loves it. She's got a couple of fast food places that she goes to when she's out and about because she's got the calories memorized on the things she eats there. One of the big ones is Chic-fil-A. I figured wherever we ended up, I'd just follow her lead and be okay.

Boy was I wrong. They decided they wanted Mexican!! Crap. Driving on home and skipping the restaurant wasn't an option because I was riding with my sister Amy. My car was back at Mom's house. I was so screwed, lol. I could smell those fajitas from 5 miles away. Here we go, I thought. We got there and I surveyed the menu. It's so hard to eat in a restaurant and calorie count when you haven't had a chance to check a nutrition guide online ahead of time. Los Reyes doesn't even have one, but we ended up at El Nopal. And then there's always the dreaded sodium that there's just no escaping. I didn't want to make my sisters uncomfortable by not ordering anything at all, so I got a glass of water and 1 chicken soft taco, which by the way, was half the size of the ones at Los Reyes, so that was a good thing. It had maybe 3 oz of chicken in it w/ tomatoes and onions...I said no to the shredded cheese and only got lettuce on it. Cost me $2.14. I think that was the cheapest lunch I've ever had in my life.

I white-knuckled the table while the rest of the family members gobbled down their fajitas, cheese dip, and chips and salsa. Oh the smell....I was in Mexican Heaven....or Hell...however you want to look at it. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I had to physically restrain my arm from reaching into that chip bowl no less than 25 times during the course of our lunch. What a habit it is to eat those free chips and salsa! You don't even think about it....your hand just automatically reaches for those greasy, crispy, salty treats. I didn't eat a single one. Not even a crumb. I didn't touch the cheese dip. I didn't eat any of the fajitas that Amy didn't finish. I ate my 3-bite taco, sucked the bottom out of my water glass, and prayed for them to hurry the hell up so we could get out of there.

All that soft taco did was whet my appetite. My stomach wasn't growling when we first got to the restaurant, but it sure was raising a ruckus when we left. I finally made it back to my car and straight home to make another taco. I had made my own version of chicken soft tacos the night before and still had some left over. It was so good....totally worth the wait. I'm glad I made it through the restaurant ordeal.

I did some chores around the house and when it was time to cook dinner I sauteed some baby scallops (found them on sale for $3.99/lb!) with some broccoli, onions, mushrooms, and red and green bell peppers. I threw in some garlic, ginger, adobo, red pepper flakes and low sodium soy sauce. FABULOUS meal. Just fabulous. And less than 300 calories. As good as it tasted, it wasn't very filling, so I ended up making a ham wrap later. I still had too many calories left over and I was serious about not going under 1350, so I ate stuff here and there until I got pretty close to the 1550 mark.

I went down and got on the treadmill like I said I was going to start doing EVERY day. The daily requirement is now 20 minutes until I build up some endurance. I was already dying at 15-16 mins to do the mile I was doing. Apparently I didnt' know what death was, lol. I walked at a speed of 4.0 for the first 17 mins and then dropped the speed down to 3.5 for the last 3 minutes. At the 20 min marker I had walked 1.3 miles and I fell off the machine. Oh! By the way, when I first got in the fitness room I got on our elliptical machine for the first time. I attempted it. I lasted 1 minute, lol. I truly don't think I'll be on that thing agan for at least the next 50 lbs. It hurts your thigh muscles just to stand on it....before you even start using it. While I was fooling around with it, thinking in my head "never again", a pretty fit-looking guy came in the fitness room. I immediately asked him if he wanted the elliptical so I could get off of it and make it look like I was just being nice....not that it was killing me. He said, "Are you kidding me? I hate that thing. It's a b*tch!" Yeah, no kidding.

The calorie counting website that I use has a fitness section that I perused for the first time tonight. I found a place to enter in "walking on treadmill". It offered different times for different amounts of miles. I chose the "1 mile in 15 mins" option, thinking that doing 1.3 mi in 20 mins would be pretty darn accurate. It said I burned 209 calories!! GO SKINNY TAMMY!! I also got in the kitchen and chopped up a ton of veggies. I soooo didn't feel like it. I was tired and sore after the treadmill, sweating like a pig, and ready to call it a day. But I said I was going to do it today so I knew I needed to. I argued with myself first (I do this a lot):

Go chop up the veggies.
I don't feel like it tonight.
You laid out a plan yesterday. You've gotta' stick to it.
I'm just so tired tonight.
That's your excuse every night. This will assist you each night for the rest of the week.
Can't you see I just burned a whopping 209 calories on the treadmill?!?!
Good for you. Now get busy.
Have I ever told you how much I hate you?
Several times in the last 4 weeks, but I'm also the reason you exceeded your 10 lb. monthly goal with a 12 lb. loss. Now get in there and start chopping...Porkchop Girl.
Touche :)

Goal Stats:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Calories 1528
Carbs 80
Fat 53
Protein 183

Here's my food intake for the day:

Breakfast casserole (see yesterday's post for ingredients)
1 c. coffee w/ sugar-free creamer

1 El Nopal chicken soft taco with lettuce, no cheese
1 homemade chicken soft taco w/ lettuce on wheat tortilla

Scallop stir fry
Ham wrap on wheat tortilla w/ lettuce, tomatoes, onions, lite mayo, lite Italian dressing

Bowl of chicken stew (5 oz chicken, tomatoes, onions, datil pepper)
1 pc. Russell Stover Sugar-free 60% cacoa dark chocolate
Lots of water
1 protein water....NO TEA....NO COKE :)

One final thought....I know you're all just DYING for this long-winded post to end. :) Several years ago during one of the Olympic games Nike put out a commercial. It is my favorite commercial of all time. It had one statement written on the screen that said, "You don't win silver, you lose gold." WOW. DOUBLE WOW. Oh the fallout that was going to come from that one. They had stepped in it big time. Needless to say, all of the silver medalists had a global freak-out and I watched the news like a hawk over the next couple of days to see what Nike's response was going to be. I figured they would buckle under the pressure and fall all over themselves apologizing. They didn't.

They put out a statement saying that while the silver medalists had made outstanding achievements and should be proud of what they had attained, Nike holds themselves to a standard of the highest excellence, one that the gold medal represents, and they would continue to do so. Awesome. Let me just say that there's nothing wrong with going for the gold, for wanting to be the absolute best you can be and working hard to reach it. The world is full of mediocrity and good intentions. Be different! Set your goal to be the best you can possibly be and do what it takes to get there. There's a saying that goes, "Shoot for the moon and even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars." I've always hated that saying. In my mind you should be shooting for the moon and not stopping til you reach it. Go for the gold!!! Happy Moonwalking. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Failure? I've never encountered it....only temporary setbacks." -Bill Marriott, Marriott Hotels