A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Off The Wagon...Again

Well.  The same thing happened that happened back in Dec.  I walked into the Dept of Labor yesterday and was told I have 2 weeks of pay left.  I thought since I'd already been through this once, that I was better prepared to deal with it.  I wasn't.  The exact same thing happened that happened the last time.  I got an instant surging pain in my brain that required some Excedrin Migraine medicine.  My mind just nutted right up...I didn't go to the gym.  All I did was call Dwayne and apprise him of the situation (translation:  in 2 weeks time, I'm going to need you to pay all of my bills)....and went home.  The crying only lasted about 5 mins, because once you've been through this before, the shock value isn't nearly as bad.  But as it turns out, the fear is exactly the same.  The mind-numbing guilt of having to rely on Dwayne to pay for my every need is the same. 

I just sat in my bedroom and stared at the walls for a couple of hours.  I went to my sister's house, as planned, to babysit.  She handed me $10 and told me to take the kids to Chic-fil-A for dinner...AGAIN.  Sure.  No problem.  I don't give a crap about anything right now.  Fried sodium for everyone!!!  Then this morning, it was snowing really heavy, so she had me follow her out of the neighborhood (which means down the curvy mountain roads).  I had the kids in the car with me.  She slid a couple of times, but I managed to stay in her tire tracks and we made it out...but it was a painfully slow drive for about an hour and a half.  Then she stopped at a Cracker Barrel for breakfast.  Why not???  I don't care about anything but being destitute!!  Calories, shmalories.  Eh.  Whatever.

So....I haven't counted the first calorie in 2 days now.  I've had 3 restaurant meals in the last 2 days.  I've only had 4 glasses of water in the last 2 days.  And I haven't been to the gym in the last 2 days.  I'm starting to really hate Fridays. 

I'm not even going to pretend that I give a crap right now, because the God's honest truth is that I don't.  Maybe on the outside fringes of my mind I do, but 98% of my brain couldn't care less.  I know this is toxic thinking, and I know where it will get me.  It got me about a 20 lb. gain just a few months ago when everything went south.  I'm only 2 days into the abyss right now.  Technically, I still have a chance to save myself, in regards to the world of weight loss.  Technically. 

I'm not making any promises, but I will say that I am going to attempt to "act as if" I care tomorrow.  I'm going to try to go to the gym with Billie tomorrow night as we are normally scheduled to do.  I'm going to try to keep the cals under 1800....asking for 1500 is just laughable to me right now.  I am going to try to drink plenty of water.  I hope I make it.  I hope I can climb out now.  I'm scared if I don't I might not ever make it back out this time.  A girl gets tired of trying, especially when so many things are working against her.  Did I just say "I'm scared"?  Ok....maybe than 2% of my brain cares.....maybe it's a whole 3%.    I'm also going to read some blogs and leave some comments.  I need some inspiration.  That always seems to help.  'Nite friends. 

Quote For the Day:

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do.  Where there's love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."  -Ella Fitzgerald

19 comments:

  1. Hi Tammy. You don't know me. My name is Nicole I am 29 yrs old, and I too am a food addict. I used food to numb the pain of things that had happened in my life, but I came to realize when you don't feel you don't have happiness. So I decided that enough was enough and I needed to lose the weight I had gained over 19 years. I struggle every day as you do. Somedays are better than others, but what I try to tell myself is "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." We all "fall off the wagon" sometimes, but the fact that you get back up, and try again, shows that you have perseverance, so don't get down on yourself. You just remember you are worthy.

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  2. Okay, Tammy. It's not an ideal situation, but it's nothing you can't handle, nothing you can't deal with. I, for one, am going to be sorely disappointed if you let this setback completely derail all the good work you've put in, everything you've achieved up to this point. I'll give you two days of wallowing in self-pity, but that sh*t's over and done with, sister. It's time to buck up and put on the big girl panties. Or else you're going to be putting on the really big girl panties before you know it.

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  3. I'm so glad to read that you are going to the gym tomorrow! What you did the last few days is already done, no sense beating yourself up over it. The unemployment deal is out of your control. But what you eat tomorrow and how hard you work out is TOTALly something you can control. Go tomorrow and work your butt off, kick that stress right in the a$$!!
    Things are going to start going your way eventually. They have to. I can feel it!
    (((hugs))))

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  4. You can eat dinner out for $10? Only in America! Tammy, you don't need to save yourself, ask God to!

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  5. UGH!!! I feel awful for you. Tammy, I mean this in total love... You have to be kind to yourself. I'm not even referring to food. I referring to to the crapola you put up with. YOU ARE STRONG AND WORTHY!!! Regardless of what you eat tomorrow, be kind to yourself.

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  6. Tammy,

    I will not pretend to know or understand your hardship right now. But let me tell you something---regardless of what you feel right now, you're going to survive this. It may not be want you want---but you'll survive---and live. And you don't want to live like you did before. If everything else is going south---then wouldn't it be great to have one thing that is going right? Keep your commitment to yourself Tammy---you deserve it my friend. Don't compound your troubles by drowning your sorrows in food. I know it's what we food addicts do---but it doesn't have to be that way.
    I'll stop rambling. Listen---If i were homeless tomorrow---I'd still be on track. It's that IMPORTANT. Where's your importance level girl??
    I believe in you Tammy. you've got to believe in yourself. And don't say "that's you Sean," because we're two of a kind. I'm a food addict, you're a food addict. Come on.
    Start caring again right now. Separate this from yor troubles---protect it from these things. Protect it with everything you got. It's too damn important Tammy. You are too important.

    Sean

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  7. Many before have said it better than I can now. What I can add is that you have the control over your choices. You may have ZERO control over all the other crap that is happening to you. To get through this, you have to exercise what little control over your world that you do have. If you let that go, that is that last piece of freedom you have. I'm so sorry for your pain.

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  8. pragmatic Chris says
    'skinny people get hired more often and get paid more..'
    something to think about before you pop the next fry.
    silly Chris says...
    The shoes on that lotion dude were awesome.
    Which probably means he is really good at selling lotion and now i am glad I didn't buy a 99 dollar jar of sea salt scrub.

    sympathetic Chris says...ugh. sucktastic news on the unemployment.
    pragmatic Chris is back and says find a job doing anything. It will make you feel better.

    The rest of me says eat healthy and move more, it will make you feel empowered.
    hugs.
    hope tomorrow is a drastic improvement.

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  9. You are the one blogger I have come across that just doesn't give up. I know that you will make it through this. Hugs!!!

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  10. Tammy,
    I echo Sean's words, I don't walk in your shoes today, but I have done in the past. I have some understanding of how things are, not knowing where you are going to be financially this time next month is an extremely scarey thing. I don't understand the American welfare system, how can they just Stop your unembloyment money? That couldn't happen over here. Thank God.

    You have control Tammy, you have control over you life, don't let that control go. Let the past two days go and get back to valuing yourself. You are a beautiful strong amazing young woman, don't let the system grind you down.
    Love yourself, we love you and there is a lot of love out here you know that and hopefully that love will lift you. But it needs to come from you firstly.

    Love and Hugs

    Sheilagh

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  11. I can only say, I just totally understand the reaction you're having, even though you wish it were another way.

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  12. Tammy,

    I'm soo sorry to hear what you are going through. Believe me I've been in similar situations. Getting denied for unemployment, going on welfare, having welfare taken away because I couldn't find a job because now you have to work 20 hours a week minimum to keep getting it. If I could find a job I wouldn't need welfare!

    I'm still jobless and surviving on what little child support I get..I had to move back in with my parents, which sucks. It's hard, it's so hard. Some days the situation I'm in keeps me from staying on plan just because of the stress. I understand that..It stinks but we deal.

    I hope you don't 'throw in the towel' because you've worked soo hard. We're here for you.

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  13. Hi Dear Tammy - Just read this. So sorry for this recent delivery of suckage into your life, but I know you will pull it together quickly this time. I love your plan to act as if, and hope it's going a little better today. You don't have to be perfect AT ALL. Just act as if. Fake it til you make it. And remember that feelings aren't facts. Just because you feel like you don't give a crap doesn't mean you don't. We all know you are strong, stubborn, persistent, and at the base of your core - resilient. You got through the last time, and you'll get through this.

    Any time you want to unload and say any crazy thing that comes into your head, email me. Just get it all out one way or another. Hopefully you can leave some of this stuff at the gym today. We love you, Tammy.

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  14. Hey, love, I actually feel encouraged by the fact that you still blogged! Really. That is part of staying on plan and keeping your routine.

    I was wondering what the comments might be to your post, and thinking maybe they would be helpful to you, so I was glad you told us what is going on. WELL, when I started reading them...omw woman but you have ppl here who love you and care about you so much!! Good thing u did blog bc there are some wonderful, wonderful empowering comments here.
    (and I thought Jack's comment about big girl panties was hilarious.)

    I know you can do this. And don't shut out God, this is when you need Him the most, eh? Hugs, Chrissy

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  15. ((HUGS)) Girlfriend, I know it seems like a bottomless pit right now. I can feel the desperation and depression in your post. I caare about you and want you to know that you CAN get through this. Don't derail. Don't give up.

    You may have to get a job somewhere like Barnes & Noble or at a gym or something! Talk to your PT. See if they need someone to do anything at the gym. Keep looking for your dream job but see if you can get something else in the meantime.

    Do take care of yourself. You're the only YOU that you have. Does that make sense?

    You've come too far to slip back now. Sdust yourself off. Dry your eyes. You're going to be ok. Feel free to vent but don't give in. Watch a feel good movie (sounds corny but it does help) like Pursuit of Happyness or something like that.

    Do not stop posting on your blog. A ure sign that someone has given up is that they stop posting on their blogs.

    Hang in there. You have a lot of people here that care about you.

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  16. I think trying is the best you can do. good for you to even try in the first place which is more than I do. :)

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  17. I love Jack's and Sean's words (and am siphoning up some of the encouragement from them too!). SOrry to hear about the UE bennies. I am about to start on the "emergency extension" in a couple of weeks myself, the regular 26 weeks are about to be up. I feel your pain.
    Hang in there hon...

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  18. Um, yeah, I wish I could say something to make you feel better and inspire you, but I'm not good with that.

    So all I can say is that you have gone through this before and come out okay, so try to trust that it will work out again. And as far as weight loss stuff goes--don't try, do. Especially things like going to the gym and drinking water. I understand it's harder for you to keep your calories under control right now, but you can still be doing those other healthy things. Exercise is a mood booster, remember? Yeah...just trust God and He will provide.

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  19. I'm so sorry they are messing with your benefits again and you have to deal with all that stress. Try to focus on the things you can control. You know you'll feel better if you keep taking good care of yourself. I'll be praying for you.

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