Miracles and Blessings

I went to bed last night praying for a miracle with my job situation.  I got about 2 hours of sleep total, because I was thinking of what to do next.  Apply for retail?  Or temporary agencies?  And what would I wear to any kind of job, since I've shrunk out of all of my clothes?!

I got up this morning, showered, and took my letter up to the Dept. of Labor.  I wanted them to tell me to my face that the benefits had ended, before I embarked on the next leg of job hunting.  The counselor explained to me that my ORIGINAL claim had ended, and that I've been approved for the Tier 3 Extension!!  What???!!!!  She said getting the letter stating that I wasn't approved for any further benefits on my ORIGINAL claim was all part of the process.  That had to happen before I could receive the letter stating that I was approved for EXTENDED benefits.  As relieved as I SHOULD have been (and kind of was), I still got that old familiar stabbing pain shooting through my brain that I get every time I step foot in that office.  Things change so often and so rapidly when you're dealing with unemployment.  It goes from horrible, to wonderful, back to horrible....and that's just in a week's span of time.

So, for now, I'm supposedly approved for the next extension and just waiting for that letter to come in the mail so I'll know how many weeks it will be for.  There's my miracle.  :)

I was plagued with exhaustion today from almost no sleep last night and that persistent, stabbing pain in my brain, courtesy of the Dept of Labor.  I was relieved, but exhausted.  And my phone rang off the hook today!  That's where the blessings come in. 

First I got an email from Pam this morning, my BFF down in Florida.  She recently ended her weight loss blog that she's had for quite a while, and started up a new one called "The Rest Of My Journey".  I've got it listed on my blogroll.  She needed a fresh start, and I love her new blog.  Hop on over and check it out!  She offered me some words of encouragement and understanding, as she always does, and it was nice to know she cares.

I got 2 calls from Dwayne today, just to check on me and see how I was doing with all the ups and downs of the last 24 hours.  He also told me that he knew I've been stressed out for a good, solid year over this unemployment stuff, and informed me that he booked an oceanfront condo for me and him and our puppy Scarlette for the first week of May!!  We will have 8 full days on Panama City Beach, from May 1-May 8, and I absolutely cannot wait!  Here's the link of the condo we're staying in if you want to check it out:

http://www.findvacationrentals.com/florida/panama-city-beach-condo-rentals-8453.html

This afternoon, my niece Carla and my Mom stopped by for a little visit.  We had a nice chat...it's always nice to have a little family time.  Scarlette and Carla played in the front yard while Mom and I sat on the front porch enjoying the weather.   Even though we live next door to each other, it doesn't happen often enough, for one reason or another.  So I'm glad I got to see them both today.  :)

I didn't feel much like cooking tonight, so I was able to meet up with Shane and Billie for dinner out and enjoy time with friends.  Since this is the week of my cycle (well this week and next...lucky me gets it for nearly 2 weeks out of the month!), and I already have some serious bloating going on, I wasn't too concerned about the sodium from the restaurant food.  It was just nice to relax with friends and let my brain unwind.

When I left the restaurant, I checked my cell phone that I had left in the car, and had a missed call from Sean.  We have gone from blogging buddies to really good friends.  I called him back and we had a nice little chat.  He's a super great guy...just love him to pieces.  Then one of my friends, Chris, who I've known and loved since high school (he, Pam and I all went to school together), called me and we caught up with each other.  I did a post about him when he came to Atlanta to visit during Halloween weekend.  You can find it here.

And finally, one of my co-workers from my last job, Tasha, texted me tonight and told me that her company (she just found a new job in December) is hiring right now for a customer service analyst!  It's a permanent position in Downtown Atlanta.  She asked for my email and is going to send me some info on applying for the position tomorrow!! 

So I've had blessings all around today, from receiving the extension, to getting to chat with so many good friends and family, to hearing about a job opening from a previous co-worker.  I thank God for giving me such a good day and lifting my spirits in so many ways.  I hope all of you had a wonderful day, too.  :)

Quote For the Day:

"The world of achievement has always belonged to the optimist."  -Harold Wilkins

Off The Wagon...Again

Well.  The same thing happened that happened back in Dec.  I walked into the Dept of Labor yesterday and was told I have 2 weeks of pay left.  I thought since I'd already been through this once, that I was better prepared to deal with it.  I wasn't.  The exact same thing happened that happened the last time.  I got an instant surging pain in my brain that required some Excedrin Migraine medicine.  My mind just nutted right up...I didn't go to the gym.  All I did was call Dwayne and apprise him of the situation (translation:  in 2 weeks time, I'm going to need you to pay all of my bills)....and went home.  The crying only lasted about 5 mins, because once you've been through this before, the shock value isn't nearly as bad.  But as it turns out, the fear is exactly the same.  The mind-numbing guilt of having to rely on Dwayne to pay for my every need is the same. 

I just sat in my bedroom and stared at the walls for a couple of hours.  I went to my sister's house, as planned, to babysit.  She handed me $10 and told me to take the kids to Chic-fil-A for dinner...AGAIN.  Sure.  No problem.  I don't give a crap about anything right now.  Fried sodium for everyone!!!  Then this morning, it was snowing really heavy, so she had me follow her out of the neighborhood (which means down the curvy mountain roads).  I had the kids in the car with me.  She slid a couple of times, but I managed to stay in her tire tracks and we made it out...but it was a painfully slow drive for about an hour and a half.  Then she stopped at a Cracker Barrel for breakfast.  Why not???  I don't care about anything but being destitute!!  Calories, shmalories.  Eh.  Whatever.

So....I haven't counted the first calorie in 2 days now.  I've had 3 restaurant meals in the last 2 days.  I've only had 4 glasses of water in the last 2 days.  And I haven't been to the gym in the last 2 days.  I'm starting to really hate Fridays. 

I'm not even going to pretend that I give a crap right now, because the God's honest truth is that I don't.  Maybe on the outside fringes of my mind I do, but 98% of my brain couldn't care less.  I know this is toxic thinking, and I know where it will get me.  It got me about a 20 lb. gain just a few months ago when everything went south.  I'm only 2 days into the abyss right now.  Technically, I still have a chance to save myself, in regards to the world of weight loss.  Technically. 

I'm not making any promises, but I will say that I am going to attempt to "act as if" I care tomorrow.  I'm going to try to go to the gym with Billie tomorrow night as we are normally scheduled to do.  I'm going to try to keep the cals under 1800....asking for 1500 is just laughable to me right now.  I am going to try to drink plenty of water.  I hope I make it.  I hope I can climb out now.  I'm scared if I don't I might not ever make it back out this time.  A girl gets tired of trying, especially when so many things are working against her.  Did I just say "I'm scared"?  Ok....maybe than 2% of my brain cares.....maybe it's a whole 3%.    I'm also going to read some blogs and leave some comments.  I need some inspiration.  That always seems to help.  'Nite friends. 

Quote For the Day:

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do.  Where there's love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."  -Ella Fitzgerald

Getting My Money's Worth

This trainer we've got is tough.  I like him.  I like knowing I'm getting what I'm paying for.  I like knowing I'm going to see some actual results faster than I would going it on my own.

I'm not really sure what my calories came in at today.  We had our gym appt at 7:30pm, so we had a little over an hour to kill inbetween then and the time Billie got off work.  We decided to eat dinner together at Ruby Tuesday's because they have a dish called Chicken Bella with grilled chicken and portabella mushrooms for 417 cals.  Then I got to thinking.  I've proved over and over that I can gain 6-7 lbs. OVERNIGHT from a restaurant meal, even if it's a healthy one.  It's the sodium that gets me every time.  It's what I call "fake" weight, because I know it's water and it will fall off.  However, I knew it wouldn't have time to fall off by Friday morning when I weigh. 

I decided to go with the salad bar instead.  Billie said she didn't think a salad would provide enough carbs for the workout the trainer was going to put us through, so I had about 1 1/2 c. of pasta salad on the side.  The main salad had mixed greens, spinach, a little boiled ham, a little boiled egg, 2 grape tomatoes, green bell peppers, cucumbers, red onions, fresh mushrooms, and a few pumpernickle croutons.  I had a low calorie balsamic vinaigrette on the side.  I saved 430 cals for my dinner before I got there.  Even if I didn't hit the 1500 calorie mark exactly, I feel like I came pretty close. 

I want to get back to putting a daily inspirational quote at the end of each of my posts.  I'll leave you with that quote, and a pic of my dinner tonight.  :)

Quote For The Day:

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  -Eleanor Roosevelt

I've Been Shredded

I heard Pam mention the other day that she picked up Jillian's 30 Day Shred for only $9 at Walmart.  Sounded like a deal I couldn't pass up, so I went out and got it this weekend, too.  LOVE IT, in a painfully shredded sort of way.

It's got 3 different 20 minute workouts on it, and I haven't even looked at 2 and 3 yet.  Why bother when she's killing me with the first one.  I did it for the first time last night, and for the 2nd time tonight.  WOW.  I'm not very coordinated so the jumping jacks have me feeling retarded.  And I haven't worn my girdle yet while doing it, so the loud, mocking slapping noises of my humongous stomach is a bit unnerving.  But what the hell....I'm doing it at home alone where nobody can see or hear me, so I say let the fat fly!

I was completely shocked that after only a 20 minute workout, I'm sweating 10x more than when I do 2 miles on the elliptical.  Really shocked.  And my workouts at the gym, with the elliptical and all of the weight machines, take 1 1/2 hours.  I'm much more sore after this 20 minute workout than I am on a normal gym day.  It's really got me wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong at the gym.  I obviously need to raise the weight that I'm lifting on the machines or something, because this hurts way worse.  My muscles are twitching and quivering and this is the feeling I've been yearning for at the gym and haven't quite been able to achieve.  I'm obviously not working hard enough.  That will change.

I met Billie at the gym yesterday for our normal workout and then did the DVD last night for a little added "fun".  Today our schedules didn't match up, so instead of going to the gym by myself, I took Scarlette for a 2 mile walk at the park this morning.  Then did the DVD again tonight.  Not being able to get to the gym consistently with Billie is going to screw with the progress of shrinking the bat wings.  The trainer showed us 3 exercises to do (he said you need to do all 3 to get the results I'm looking for), and 2 out of the 3 require 2 people to do them, because they're presses and nosebreakers that have to be done with a barbell.  You're not allowed to use the barbells w/o a partner because, well, they don't want you to break your nose.

I've got some free weights here at home that I'll be doing some tricep exercises with, but the highest weight I've got is 10 lbs, and I lift so much more than that on the weight machines at the gym, that I just don't think they're going to be very effective.  For instance, there's one machine on the circuit that is "supposed" to help with the triceps, but I think it's more for the shoulders.  I'm pressing 90 lbs on that machine, so 10 lbs. in free weights just ain't gonna' cut it.  I'm probably going to check out Play It Again Sports and see if I can find a 20 lb-30 lb. weights for some bat wing work at home.

No restaurant eating Fri, Sat or today...yay!  Very proud of that.  And it's funny how hard it is NOT to do it after I was on a roll there for a week.  Shane and Billie go out every Friday and Saturday.  And Dwayne wants to take me out once a week just to get me out of the house because I spend most of my time alone.  So saying no to everyone was hard.  But I really had to pull the reigns back in.  The next time I do go to a restaurant, I'm going to make sure that I'm paying much more attention to what I'm ordering, too, instead of eating what everyone else is eating.  You just can't do that and lose weight...unless you're eating a mouse-sized portion. 

Have to head back up to my sister's in Ellijay tomorrow afternoon, stay the night, and will be back Tuesday afternoon.  I did this last week and the eating went to hell both days.  I have to do this babysitting thing every Monday and Tuesday for the whole month of January if I don't find a job.  She'll probably ask me to do it for all of February, too, because I think that's how long her classes last.  Plus, once you say yes once, that's it.  You're trapped.  This time, however, I will be more prepared.  I didn't take any food with me last time, and I should have.  Her house is full of crap food, junk food, kid stuff, Cokes, etc.  You know what kills me about this?  She's 6' tall and weighs 155 lbs.  She's a perfect weight for her heighth.  You'd be hard-pressed to find any fat hanging off of her.  But she's the Queen of Discipline.  She knows what to eat to stay within 5 lbs of her ideal weight, and that's what she does.  Period.  Makes me sick, lol. 

Anyhoo, that was my weekend, and what I'll be up to for the next couple of days.  I'll do another post on Tuesday night when I'm back at home.  Hope everyone is having a great weekend filled with some healthy eating and dilligent exercise! :)

First Hike of the Year

Let me start by saying a huge thank you to my sweet friend at 266.  She's given me ANOTHER award and it just kills me that she thinks I deserve this.  Bless her heart.  It's the Beautiful Blogger Award, and it couldn't have come from a more beautiful friend.  She's an excellent example when it comes to dedication and consistency to this journey.  She's emailed me privately during my darkest of times and offered me friendship and hope.  And she's awarded me on numerous occasions now, and I'm honored to call her my friend. 

The next step is to tell you 7 things you don't already know about me.  Good grief, haven't I told you guys everything yet???  No????  lol.  Ok.....let me see what I can come up with here....thinking....thinking...

(1)  I was standing in my bathroom curling my hair a couple of weeks ago....naked...and seriously injured myself.  I was fluffing my hair with my left hand, holding the curling iron with my right hand, and absent-mindedly laid it against my torso.  I got a serious burn and will probably forever have a nasty scar.  Great...just what I needed....another reason to hate my stomach.

(2)  My first dog's name was Puppy Dog Rabbit.  Yes, I named him that and I have no idea why.  We lived in Florida and he got bit by a rattlesnake and died.

(3)  As of last week, I was only 28 lbs away from Onederland.  As of tomorrow morning, I will be a little further away, but I'm still excited!

(4)  Up until just a few years ago, my favorite color was purple.  Then I changed it to pink.

(5)  I'm 37 years old and have no children and I prefer it that way.  I've found myself being thankful these last couple of months that I don't have any children to be subjected to my financial and emotional instability.

(6)  Up until this week, even though I've lost a good bit of weight from my highest point of 340 lbs, I haven't been able to picture myself at a normal weight.  When I realized the other day that Onederland is within my grasp, I suddenly started picturing myself thinner in my mind.  It's a thrilling thought.  It makes me want to get there as soon as I can. 

(7)  I'm going to get to meet a blogger friend soon!  Tina at Fat Girl Dives In lives here in Atlanta!  We've both mentioned that we'd like to get together...now it's just a matter of setting up the time and place.  When I get in a better financial situation, I'd like to set up some meetings with other blogger friends that live a little further away. 

I now have to pass this award on to seven other bloggers and I'm happy to do so:

Amy at No To The Deuce

Pam at Journey To The Healthier Side of Life

Lisa at One Mom's Weight Loss

Alix at Casa Hice

Tina at Fat Girl Dives In

Marcelle at South African From Cape Town...

MB at Why The Weight?

Enjoy it ladies...each of you are so deserving!

On to today's business....first of all, the restaurant eating has continued this week.  I've really been on a roll!  However, I have now told everyone that I will not be eating out at all this next week, so don't even ask me!!  Don't invite me...don't offer to pay for me...act like I'm invisible, lol.  I also went grocery shopping this afternoon and I'm now fully stocked on lean meats, veggies, fruit, whole wheat bread, yogurt, etc.  I'm all set and prepared for a fantastic week.  How stupid is it to lose the first 2 weeks after the Christmas holidays and then completely lose your mind and self-control and gain the 3rd week?  Yes...I realize how bad it is, and I will report the gain tomorrow when I officially weigh-in (although I looked tonight and I already know just how bad it is).

Here's the good news....I went on a hike this morning!!  I took Scarlette and my sister Amy and we hiked at Red Top Mountain.  At the bottom of the mountain is Lake Allatoona.  I took several pics and then the battery on the camera died.  I've got more camera issues than anyone else I know, lol.  Get this.  The trail was 5.7 miles long!!!  I hiked the whole thing!!!!  That's the longest I've ever hiked and I'm extremely proud of it.  We finished it in 3 hours, only stopping 2x for a couple of minutes each time to give Scarlette some water.  I am so incredibly sore...my butt, hamstrings, quads and feet are just toast right now.  I have no idea if I'll be able to make it to the gym in the morning or not.  Hopefully after a good night's rest I'll be feeling a little more flexible and can tackle that elliptical again.  By the way, Billie and I made it to the gym 4x this week, plus I did the hike today, so I got in 5 days of exercise.  Not enough to combat the restaurant eating, but I'm still proud I did it.  Here are the pics from our chilly morning hike:

 

Back tomorrow with the weigh-in.  'Nite friends!