The Saga Continues...

Boy has it been a week from Hell....the worst one I've had since I started my travels down the road to good health. My weigh-in is tomorrow morning and I just don't even want to think about that.

First of all, thanks to each and everyone of you for the wonderfully supportive comments. I responded to each of you individually.

After I sent Marie my "goodbye" email yesterday afternoon, I thought all the crap was over with. I was wrong. She responded to my email this morning by laughing at me that nobody wanted to have anything to do with me anymore. It was filled with all kinds of hurtful words and it was hard to read. She cut me....deep. I responded, and after an hour or so of going back and forth, we both finally parted ways and wished each other well in the future.

My eyes have been red and bloodshot for the last 2 days due to the lack of sleep over this...I can't seem to get my brain to shut off at night and get any rest. Today was no exception. I tried to move past it. I fought off the urge to binge ALL DAY LONG. As I told one of my followers, "Blue Moon", I've thought about mega buffets for the last 2 days. She reminded me that it is empty comfort and I know that she's right. Why is it so hard to change the old way of thinking and KEEP it changed? I guess if it was easy....the whole world would be skinny.

I didn't get on the treadmill yesterday so I knew I really needed to get down there today. I usually do it in the mornings...but oh my goodness...it took me til 4pm to finally drag myself down there. And when I got to the fitness room, it was closed. There was a woman inside painting the walls. I was so pissed. It took SUCH effort to get myself down there, and then I couldn't do my walk. I cussed all the way back to my apartment.

I emailed with my friend Pam today, catching up on the last couple of days. Thank God for her. I just love her so much. Pam and I have known each other since Drama class in high school. I can't even tell you all the things that we've been through together.....20 years worth. We now live over 400 miles apart from each other and we are STILL the closest of friends. Our friendship hasn't been perfect...you can imagine that in 20 years time, we've had our share of differences....some small, some rather large. But what our friendship HAS been is accepting, loving, forgiving....REAL and TRUE. Some people are only in our lives for a season while others are there for the long haul. I thank God that I found a lifetime friend in Pam.

I took a long, hot soak in the tub trying to melt away my troubles. I enjoyed a couple of cups of french vanilla decaf coffee w/ sugar-free hazelnut creamer. I had a long, refreshing talk on the phone with my mom. I had another long talk on the phone with Dwayne.....who by the way, has been nothing but loving and supportive through this whole ordeal. I thank God for him too.

I was finally thinking that maybe the negativity was over and I was headed into a good weekend with Dwayne. Then I sat down to do my post and found an email from Lori. She felt like she just had to put her 2 cents in. She told me exactly what she thought about me hurting "her" friend Marie....and I just snapped. I lost it. I know I SHOULD have taken the high road....but I didn't. I envisioned getting an email from Rebecca next and felt like I was being backed into a corner so I came out fighting. I gave it to Lori with both barrels. It was ugly. All true, but ugly.

I've already thought about how my parents are going to read this tomorrow morning and probably roll their eyes at the amazing ability their daughter has to act like a 3 year old. I have no defense for that, other than to say that nobody's perfect...especially not me.

So the saga continues.....just one big, bullsh*t ball of stress that seems to keep growing. Gotta' get on the scale in a few short hours and see what it says. I swear, if there's a loss there, or even if I maintained, it is solely by God's grace.

Thanks to all of you again for listening and offering your thoughts and your well wishes. Although it may not sound like it due to this post....it really is helping more than I can express. Until tomorrow.....

Three Friendships Severed

I really had to think long and hard about whether or not I was going to post about this. I'm not comfortable with it at all, but I know me, and if I don't write about it and get it out of my sytem, it's going to rule all of my thoughts and keep my focus off of the weight loss. My health is way too important for that, so I'm going to lay it out there (well, not every grizzly detail, but most of it).

Yesterday, my friend Marie emailed me and asked me to meet her for lunch. What I didn't realize at the time was that she was calling me out to publicly humiliate me in a restaurant, which she succeeded in doing.

Over 2 years ago, I told Marie a lie about something that I personally thought was unimportant, but knew it would save her feelings. My motivation was solely to keep from hurting her about something that I didn't think should matter in the first place, but knowing her so well, I really thought I made the right decision. And I forgot all about it.

Well.......it re-surfaced this weekend through a mutual acquaintance and she found out about it. She confronted me with it and it took me a few seconds to even recollect what she was talking about. Then it all came flooding back. What I thought was unimportant, and really didn't have a whole lot to do with her in the first place, was now HUGELY important to her, but she said it wasn't even the subject matter that she really cared about...it was the fact that I lied about it.

I apologized profusely, trying to tell her that my motivations were pure...that I would never hurt her intentionally. She flat out told me she didn't want to hear my logic. She thrashed me over and over...very loudly...in front of a restaurant full of people. I wanted to get up and leave, but I thought the bigger thing to do was sit there and let her get it all out. After all, I was the one who told the stupid lie in the first place, so I maybe I deserved this.

After several minutes of her self-righteous ranting, I finally cut in and asked her if she could honestly say that she had never in her entire life, told a lie to a friend for the sole purpose of saving their feelings? I told her there was a big difference in telling a lie to save your own a$$...and telling one to save someone's feelings that you care about. She said of course she had...everyone's told a lie at some point in their life (finally...something we agreed on)...but she said that wasn't the point. The point was I had done it to her and she didn't appreciate it. In fact, she said she was SO upset about the deceit, that she couldn't even go into work Monday because she was so distraught with me, laying in bed crying all day, and questioning everything I had ever told her over the last two years. Lovely.

After about 30 minutes of listening to her and apologizing more than anyone has ever done in their life, we finally left. And no, neither one of us ate anything. Since she was the one that was throwing my birthday pool party at her sister's house this Sunday, that obviously was out of the question now. I told her that I would text all of the people invited and let them know it was cancelled. We parted ways, I texted everyone, knowing they would all want an explanation on why the party that everyone had been planning for me for the last month was suddenly dead in the water. To take all the heat off of Marie and take full responsibility with all of our friends, I sent out a text that said the party was cancelled, I had lied to Marie about something, she was understandably upset, and that we weren't getting along right now.

I know Marie like the back of my hand so I knew she would blab all the details to EVERYONE she knows...not only our friends, but her sister, mother, dad, co-workers (that used to be my co-workers....Marie and I originally met at work), her PSA club at college (I also know these people...we go to the same college and I helped them with their conference this past spring)...absolutely everyone.

The main 2 friends that I was worried about their responses was Rebecca and Lori. I met both of them through Marie 2 or 3 years ago and we've become a pretty tight-knit circle. We do friend's night out together, have had numerous cookouts at my apartment with my boyfriend Dwayne being the grill man, went on several vacations together to the beach, etc. All that was left to do after the meeting with Marie yesterday was go back home and see how the other girls were going to react. Be neutral...side with Marie....still want to see me on my birthday...I just sat and waited.

Last night Dwayne called and wanted to know what the heck was going on, so I told him, and he said that just because there was a riff between Marie and I right now, didn't mean that we had to cancel all the birthday plans. He mentioned that we had celebrated all of their birthdays with them....him actually paying the bill for 80% of it....and that I shouldn't have to be alone on my birthday just because I made a regrettable mistake. He told me to text Lori and Rebecca and see if they still wanted to meet for dinner on Sunday at a restaurant.

Dwayne and I both texted Rebecca last night....no response. I texted her again this morning...no response. I emailed Lori this afternoon and she responded saying that after Marie and I both texted her, that she made other plans and would be out of town. I knew that was b.s. as soon as I read it. She wasn't going to be out of town....she was siding with Marie, judging me for my mistake, and avoiding me. I emailed again asking if Marie had told her the details of the fight. She emailed right back and told me yes, that she knew all about it, and didn't want to get in the middle of it, that it was between us.

No, it wasn't between us....Marie was burning up the phone and computer lines telling everyone she knew about it, gaining everyone's sympathy, and turning everyone against me. It's almost midnight and I still haven't heard back from Rebecca.

I emailed Lori and Marie (Rebecca very rarely checks email and she obviously wasn't responding to my text messages), and I told them good-bye. Now that it's plain that I'm being judged by them...even after a couple of weeks and everything blows over....now I'M the one that won't be able to be comfortable around them anymore. They all banded together and totally dissed me over this. There was no forgiveness....there was no contact to even say "let's let this blow over". I know in my heart that there is no way I will be able to "hang out" with them ever again without remembering these last couple of days and being paranoid over what they're all thinking about me. I will never be able to ever again have anything deeper with them past, "Hey, how's it going?". The friendships are over...severed....gone.

I spent most of the day crying over this. Dwayne called me 3 different times from work to check on me. I totally regret the lie, and I regret what it's lead to. I can say that this is the first time in my life I've ever lost 3 friends in a 2-day time period. The shock to the system is almost too much to take.

To tie this into the weight loss....I didn't feel like crawling out of bed, much less cook today. I had some rotisserie chicken breast for lunch that I picked up from the store on the way back from Mom's house today. I ate it, crawled in bed and cried the rest of the afternoon. Dwayne showed up around 7pm, worried sick about me, and took me to Bailey's for dinner. I was numb to my surroundings, but amazingly, not exactly sure how, my food choice wasn't too bad. I may have even stayed in my limits for the day, but didn't have the energy or desire to actually look it up when I got back home. I had the Jamaican grilled chicken. It came with 2 boneless chicken breasts marinated in a soy sauce, pineapple and ginger marinade...I ate one. It came with brown rice...I ate 2/3 of it. It came with a small bowl of black beans and a side of broccoli, and I ate all of those. I drank one beer. Wanted 12....but only drank one.

So, with putting this all out there in blogland, I'm leaving all of you the opportunity to judge me as well. We all judge...it's human nature...whether we do it out loud or not. I know what I did was wrong. The fallout has definitely proven that. I've learned many lessons today. Here's the main one:

Never, EVER, lie to a friend, family member, someone you care about, or stranger on the street in an effort to spare their feelings. Always tell the truth no matter how bad it hurts them. Even if you've left them laying on the floor bleeding, at least when their wounds heal, they'll know that they can always count on you for honesty.

I'm sorry Marie, Lori and Rebecca. I will miss you all dearly.