A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Three Friendships Severed

I really had to think long and hard about whether or not I was going to post about this. I'm not comfortable with it at all, but I know me, and if I don't write about it and get it out of my sytem, it's going to rule all of my thoughts and keep my focus off of the weight loss. My health is way too important for that, so I'm going to lay it out there (well, not every grizzly detail, but most of it).

Yesterday, my friend Marie emailed me and asked me to meet her for lunch. What I didn't realize at the time was that she was calling me out to publicly humiliate me in a restaurant, which she succeeded in doing.

Over 2 years ago, I told Marie a lie about something that I personally thought was unimportant, but knew it would save her feelings. My motivation was solely to keep from hurting her about something that I didn't think should matter in the first place, but knowing her so well, I really thought I made the right decision. And I forgot all about it.

Well.......it re-surfaced this weekend through a mutual acquaintance and she found out about it. She confronted me with it and it took me a few seconds to even recollect what she was talking about. Then it all came flooding back. What I thought was unimportant, and really didn't have a whole lot to do with her in the first place, was now HUGELY important to her, but she said it wasn't even the subject matter that she really cared about...it was the fact that I lied about it.

I apologized profusely, trying to tell her that my motivations were pure...that I would never hurt her intentionally. She flat out told me she didn't want to hear my logic. She thrashed me over and over...very loudly...in front of a restaurant full of people. I wanted to get up and leave, but I thought the bigger thing to do was sit there and let her get it all out. After all, I was the one who told the stupid lie in the first place, so I maybe I deserved this.

After several minutes of her self-righteous ranting, I finally cut in and asked her if she could honestly say that she had never in her entire life, told a lie to a friend for the sole purpose of saving their feelings? I told her there was a big difference in telling a lie to save your own a$$...and telling one to save someone's feelings that you care about. She said of course she had...everyone's told a lie at some point in their life (finally...something we agreed on)...but she said that wasn't the point. The point was I had done it to her and she didn't appreciate it. In fact, she said she was SO upset about the deceit, that she couldn't even go into work Monday because she was so distraught with me, laying in bed crying all day, and questioning everything I had ever told her over the last two years. Lovely.

After about 30 minutes of listening to her and apologizing more than anyone has ever done in their life, we finally left. And no, neither one of us ate anything. Since she was the one that was throwing my birthday pool party at her sister's house this Sunday, that obviously was out of the question now. I told her that I would text all of the people invited and let them know it was cancelled. We parted ways, I texted everyone, knowing they would all want an explanation on why the party that everyone had been planning for me for the last month was suddenly dead in the water. To take all the heat off of Marie and take full responsibility with all of our friends, I sent out a text that said the party was cancelled, I had lied to Marie about something, she was understandably upset, and that we weren't getting along right now.

I know Marie like the back of my hand so I knew she would blab all the details to EVERYONE she knows...not only our friends, but her sister, mother, dad, co-workers (that used to be my co-workers....Marie and I originally met at work), her PSA club at college (I also know these people...we go to the same college and I helped them with their conference this past spring)...absolutely everyone.

The main 2 friends that I was worried about their responses was Rebecca and Lori. I met both of them through Marie 2 or 3 years ago and we've become a pretty tight-knit circle. We do friend's night out together, have had numerous cookouts at my apartment with my boyfriend Dwayne being the grill man, went on several vacations together to the beach, etc. All that was left to do after the meeting with Marie yesterday was go back home and see how the other girls were going to react. Be neutral...side with Marie....still want to see me on my birthday...I just sat and waited.

Last night Dwayne called and wanted to know what the heck was going on, so I told him, and he said that just because there was a riff between Marie and I right now, didn't mean that we had to cancel all the birthday plans. He mentioned that we had celebrated all of their birthdays with them....him actually paying the bill for 80% of it....and that I shouldn't have to be alone on my birthday just because I made a regrettable mistake. He told me to text Lori and Rebecca and see if they still wanted to meet for dinner on Sunday at a restaurant.

Dwayne and I both texted Rebecca last night....no response. I texted her again this morning...no response. I emailed Lori this afternoon and she responded saying that after Marie and I both texted her, that she made other plans and would be out of town. I knew that was b.s. as soon as I read it. She wasn't going to be out of town....she was siding with Marie, judging me for my mistake, and avoiding me. I emailed again asking if Marie had told her the details of the fight. She emailed right back and told me yes, that she knew all about it, and didn't want to get in the middle of it, that it was between us.

No, it wasn't between us....Marie was burning up the phone and computer lines telling everyone she knew about it, gaining everyone's sympathy, and turning everyone against me. It's almost midnight and I still haven't heard back from Rebecca.

I emailed Lori and Marie (Rebecca very rarely checks email and she obviously wasn't responding to my text messages), and I told them good-bye. Now that it's plain that I'm being judged by them...even after a couple of weeks and everything blows over....now I'M the one that won't be able to be comfortable around them anymore. They all banded together and totally dissed me over this. There was no forgiveness....there was no contact to even say "let's let this blow over". I know in my heart that there is no way I will be able to "hang out" with them ever again without remembering these last couple of days and being paranoid over what they're all thinking about me. I will never be able to ever again have anything deeper with them past, "Hey, how's it going?". The friendships are over...severed....gone.

I spent most of the day crying over this. Dwayne called me 3 different times from work to check on me. I totally regret the lie, and I regret what it's lead to. I can say that this is the first time in my life I've ever lost 3 friends in a 2-day time period. The shock to the system is almost too much to take.

To tie this into the weight loss....I didn't feel like crawling out of bed, much less cook today. I had some rotisserie chicken breast for lunch that I picked up from the store on the way back from Mom's house today. I ate it, crawled in bed and cried the rest of the afternoon. Dwayne showed up around 7pm, worried sick about me, and took me to Bailey's for dinner. I was numb to my surroundings, but amazingly, not exactly sure how, my food choice wasn't too bad. I may have even stayed in my limits for the day, but didn't have the energy or desire to actually look it up when I got back home. I had the Jamaican grilled chicken. It came with 2 boneless chicken breasts marinated in a soy sauce, pineapple and ginger marinade...I ate one. It came with brown rice...I ate 2/3 of it. It came with a small bowl of black beans and a side of broccoli, and I ate all of those. I drank one beer. Wanted 12....but only drank one.

So, with putting this all out there in blogland, I'm leaving all of you the opportunity to judge me as well. We all judge...it's human nature...whether we do it out loud or not. I know what I did was wrong. The fallout has definitely proven that. I've learned many lessons today. Here's the main one:

Never, EVER, lie to a friend, family member, someone you care about, or stranger on the street in an effort to spare their feelings. Always tell the truth no matter how bad it hurts them. Even if you've left them laying on the floor bleeding, at least when their wounds heal, they'll know that they can always count on you for honesty.

I'm sorry Marie, Lori and Rebecca. I will miss you all dearly.

20 comments:

  1. Tammy,
    You know in your heart that your intentions were pure and you were trying to spare your friend heartache. Listen, I know this must be tough to deal with right now, but I want you to remember something... Time heals all wounds.
    Time is an amazing thing. I hope you understand the power of this truth. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.
    As hard as it might seem, you must stay true to yourself in the face of this development. Understand that you're headed to an amazing place---not just physically---but emotionally. I've transformed more in my brain than in my appearance. You will too.
    Let some time pass with these people. While that time is passing---focus on you. Keep your focus on you and your journey. It's the most important thing in your life right now, remember? Make it that way---and time will pass. Your transformation will get better and better---and a whole new world and way of dealing with issues will open up for you. Will your friends mentioned above also develop? Maybe, maybe not...But you can only control you and your journey. Focus on you Tammy---Let time do it's job with these people. You can do this Tammy---You're doing it. Don't let this situation bring you down---that would only compound bad feelings within you. Grasp on to the wonderful positives of the amazing breakthroughs you're experiencing right now---and focus. While time takes care of the rest. When you catch up later, you'll be a different person Tammy---in appearance and mind.

    Blessings to you---You're a wonderful blogger and friend---I see in you the ability to do amazing things...I know you're seeing it too.

    My best
    Sean

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  2. Sean....where would I be without you? Where would all of us be? Probably face down in the middle of a cheesecake. Thank you for your continued support, your excellent advice, and above all, your friendship. I've learned in the last couple of days just how important that is.

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  3. Oh, Tammy, I'm so sorry to hear about all this. You seem like a truly good person, and I'm sure whatever it was that you lied about was not enough for you to deserve to lose three friends over it. I wish I could be your friend right now to help you with this, but I guess I'll settle for the occasional blog comment, heh. Hearing stories like this makes me wonder what's wrong with women sometimes. I don't know any men who would act like this--turn on their friends in an instant because of a mistake, or because of something they heard from someone else. Lying to save someone's feelings is completely understandable to me, and I'm sure you did what you thought was the right thing at the time. Just focus on you right now--all the great things about you, and how to keep bettering yourself with your new lifestyle. It's really awesome that you didn't spiral into a comfort food binge today. Stay strong, Tammy, I'll be praying for you.

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  4. You know I had a similar situation with my online Mommies group earlier in the year, only it was over something I got judged for doing that I didn't even do.

    All of the sudden, these ladies that I considered family all turned their backs on me. NONE of them came to me and asked if what was being said was true, they just decided that it was and left me in the dust. It was totally devastating, so I feel that searing pain you're feeling, and I am so sorry.

    I truly believe that God has a reason for everything, and maybe these ladies would have stood in the way of all that you are becoming somehow. Everything will work out exactly the way it should, and you will be the person you were meant to be because of you, and only YOU!

    Looking back now, if all of that would not have happened to me, I would have never gotten into my weight loss blog and met all of these wonderful people who have helped me so very much in my journey, and I wouldn't we where I am today, so in spite of the pain (which still stings every now and again when I think about it too much), I am grateful for how things are.

    I'll be praying that you get there soon, too. I'm here if you need to talk - I love you!!

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  5. Rebecca....you're very sweet. Thanks for understanding and offering your support. I appreciate you always commenting...I really enjoy reading them. :)

    Pam....this is why I haven't been emailing much in the last couple of days. It's just been rough. Maybe we can talk some today.

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  6. This is very sad for you, and I'm sorry. Seeing friendships disappear is very sad, whatever the reason. I lost my best friend when I lost all my weight. It was a combination of a lot of things, and it still hurts me, twelve years later.

    Time will heal a lot of this for you.

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  7. Diane....thank you for your words Diane, and for always commenting on my blog. You're a huge inspiration to me in the way that you lost your weight, have maintained for 12 years, and are so willing to share your story with others. Thank you again and again. :)

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  8. Ouch - that must be awful for you! Flippin heck, we all tell the odd white lie every now and then and I would forgive a friend if she did it to me too.

    I am sure as time passes you will feel a lot better about it, it sounds like these probably weren't the best friends to have around you if they can't be supportive or understanding, anyway.

    As Sean says, work on yourself for the time being and who knows what friends you make along the way!

    (((hugs)))

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  9. Fat Free Me....thank you for taking the time to listen, and to understand. I especially thank you for such a funny post on your blog last night. I literally laughed out loud and I sure needed that. I appreciate you always commenting on my blog. Thank you. :)

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  10. I only lie when I don't want somebody to know the truth. ;)

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  11. You're right, btw. You're a regular commenter over on JSGF, and I really need to do a better job reciprocating.

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  12. There, that's three comments in one week.

    Surely, I'm caught up now. ;)

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  13. One more...

    In case I miss the next post.

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  14. Jack....thanks for the attention and for the laugh I so very much needed today. I'm honored that you finally dropped by. :) Thank you.

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  15. Tammy, I'm so sorry you had to go through that confrontation. Given the amount of time that had passed, it seems she was going out of her way to make you feel bad. I know that for me, in the past my most vulnerable times to break my healthy habits is when I have had some emotional attack. A big fight with my husband, an attack from my mother in law, etc. I don't know why, but it makes me feel like "whats the point". When our emotions are struggling we are all fragile. Stay strong, and don't try to heal with external, temporary coping skills - even though they are immediate, they are empty comfort. You sound like a strong lady with a big heart and a good head on your shoulders. Don't beat yourself up over this one. There is a reason for EVERYTHING. Maybe this growth spurt was necessary for the next step of something else - you know ?
    Hang in there!

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  16. Blue Moon...thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with me. Believe me...all I have thought about for the last 2 days are mega buffets...but somehow I've managed to stay strong and stay within my calories this week. Still having a hard time tonight as there was even more drama today, but hopefully I'll make it through this trial. I think you're right in maybe this being necessary...this valley can only lead to a higher mountain with a much better view. Thank you for reaching out to me. :)

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  17. Tammy, I'm so sorry to hear about your friendship woes. It sounds as if the punishment does not fit the crime. Remember that we're all still here for you!

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  18. Amy...thank you for that...it means more to me than you know to have the support and understanding that I've been shown by all of my blogging friends today. You guys are true gems.

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  19. Hugs.. and more hugs.

    Tammy... I'm curious about one thing.. and somewhat hopeful. I hear you emailed and texted alot.. but what if.. just what if.. neither got through?

    I'm not a texter.. and still believe in the old fashioned face to face, and/or phonecalls, when voice inflection, and body language can be heard/seen.

    Don't write off your friends yet. But know if they write you off so easily.. they never were friends.

    again... more hugs.

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  20. Hi Tammy,
    I have only just come across your blog via Sean's, isn't he amazing?

    I am so sorry you have had such a terrible time.
    Sometimes friends even family have blinkers on and don't see the whole picture. I hope they come to their senses soon. But if they don't it is their loss not yours. You thought you were doing the right thing and if they can't see that,they are sad human beings.

    Best wishes

    Sheilagh

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