Short post...I'm so tired!! Went to the gym again tonight and had a great workout with Billie. We did cardio on the treadmill and did the weight machine circuit once through. We did the treadmill and the weight circuit TWICE last night, so I could only do it once tonight. I was feeling the burn!! My calories are at 1348 today, so proud of that, too!! :)
By the way, just finished watching The Biggest Loser and the b*tch went home!! Yahoo!!! However, in all fairness, I have to say she's done great since she's been home. She looks fantastic and it pains me to say that, lol. But hey....b*tch or not, I'm glad she's gotten healthy and made a better example for her 4 children. 'Nite nite friends. :)
Quote For the Day:
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost
Showing posts with label treadmill. Show all posts
Showing posts with label treadmill. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I Bit The Bullet
Well, my friends, I did it. Billie and I joined the gym together today. We spent about 2 hours there this morning taking the tour, getting educated, signing up, etc. We left and went and did our errands for the day and met up tonight for our first workout session. We got there at 6:45 and worked out til 8pm. They have 3 or 4 different circuits of machines to use. Naturally, we chose the newest, most state-of-the-art machines. Very easy to use, very efficient, and very painful, lol. I felt great while I was there, but it's not even an hour and a half later and I just cannot believe how sore I am already. I didn't expect the soreness until tomorrow morning. Wrong!
We spent half of our time getting familiar with all of the machines, finding out how they work, and doing 1 rep of 15 on all of them. There's about 12 machines I think. There were only 2 of them that I didn't get on....they were to work out the calves. I've already got the calf muscles of a man, so I seriously don't need anymore work in that department. I'll take a picture of them for you sometime to show you what I mean.
We spent the last half of our time on the treadmill. I burned 400 calories on that baby tonight and it felt damn good. I've had an easy week due to the knee and I've hated it. I was on it for 30 mins, part of it jogging, and park of it with a 5% incline. The trail I walk at the park is flat, so even a 5% incline on the treadmill was work for me. I walked just over 2 miles. I'll be going back in the morning by myself.
I talked to Billie about her schedule and it looks like we'll probably be able to go 4 nights a week together. That's when I plan on doing my weights. When I go by myself in the mornings, it will probably just be to do the treadmill. I worked with a personal trainer lifting free weights about 6 years ago when I lost 83 lbs., and I remember muscle fatigue all too well. So I will NOT be doing free weights or weight machines 2x a day. Ain't happenin', lol.
I ate 1400 calories today, but that was accidental. I was supposed to eat 1600 like I've done all week, but I put 200 in my calorie counter this morning to account for 1/4 c of almonds I was going to have as a snack this afternoon. When I was closing out the website a few minutes ago and looking over my calories for the day, I realized I forgot to eat them! I cannot believe I forgot to eat something, lol, that is just a trip. Too tired to eat now....sounds like too much work and my whole body hurts right now.
I'm glad I stopped waivering over this decision and just did it. I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I'm not overly excited or too pumped up....I just feel a resolve deep-down telling me that this is just the next step in my travels. I'm on the right path and I'm doing what I need to be doing. I feel good. I feel like I'm progressing nicely. I no longer fear that I won't make it. I no longer feel like maybe I can't do this. I know that I can now. How long it's going to take is becoming less important. Just the knowledge that I WILL make it is comforting. I'm not doing everything perfect...but I'm letting go of the quest for perfect. I wasn't hitting that unrealistic goal anyway. What I'm looking for is nice and steady progress.
No idea how the weigh-in is going to turn out this week, but surprisingly, I don't feel too worried about it. I've been told by several people this week that raising my calories may cause a gain at first until my body adjusts to it. I went to 1600 this week, and with getting back to my normal cardio next week, I plan on raising it on up to 1700. Of course, after I have my appt with the nutritionist at the gym in a day or two, that could all change. I'm sure he knows tons more about what I should be doing than I do. We'll see. I've also been told by 3 or 4 people at the gym today that adding in the weight machines will also cause an initial gain....we've all heard it before...muscle weighs more than fat..blah, blah, lol. So I'm trying to take it all in stride. Just going to keep doing what feels right and take it as it comes. This all totally goes against my personality, but sometimes change can be a good thing. :)
Quote For the Day:
The first and the best victory is to conquer self." -Plato
We spent half of our time getting familiar with all of the machines, finding out how they work, and doing 1 rep of 15 on all of them. There's about 12 machines I think. There were only 2 of them that I didn't get on....they were to work out the calves. I've already got the calf muscles of a man, so I seriously don't need anymore work in that department. I'll take a picture of them for you sometime to show you what I mean.
We spent the last half of our time on the treadmill. I burned 400 calories on that baby tonight and it felt damn good. I've had an easy week due to the knee and I've hated it. I was on it for 30 mins, part of it jogging, and park of it with a 5% incline. The trail I walk at the park is flat, so even a 5% incline on the treadmill was work for me. I walked just over 2 miles. I'll be going back in the morning by myself.
I talked to Billie about her schedule and it looks like we'll probably be able to go 4 nights a week together. That's when I plan on doing my weights. When I go by myself in the mornings, it will probably just be to do the treadmill. I worked with a personal trainer lifting free weights about 6 years ago when I lost 83 lbs., and I remember muscle fatigue all too well. So I will NOT be doing free weights or weight machines 2x a day. Ain't happenin', lol.
I ate 1400 calories today, but that was accidental. I was supposed to eat 1600 like I've done all week, but I put 200 in my calorie counter this morning to account for 1/4 c of almonds I was going to have as a snack this afternoon. When I was closing out the website a few minutes ago and looking over my calories for the day, I realized I forgot to eat them! I cannot believe I forgot to eat something, lol, that is just a trip. Too tired to eat now....sounds like too much work and my whole body hurts right now.
I'm glad I stopped waivering over this decision and just did it. I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I'm not overly excited or too pumped up....I just feel a resolve deep-down telling me that this is just the next step in my travels. I'm on the right path and I'm doing what I need to be doing. I feel good. I feel like I'm progressing nicely. I no longer fear that I won't make it. I no longer feel like maybe I can't do this. I know that I can now. How long it's going to take is becoming less important. Just the knowledge that I WILL make it is comforting. I'm not doing everything perfect...but I'm letting go of the quest for perfect. I wasn't hitting that unrealistic goal anyway. What I'm looking for is nice and steady progress.
No idea how the weigh-in is going to turn out this week, but surprisingly, I don't feel too worried about it. I've been told by several people this week that raising my calories may cause a gain at first until my body adjusts to it. I went to 1600 this week, and with getting back to my normal cardio next week, I plan on raising it on up to 1700. Of course, after I have my appt with the nutritionist at the gym in a day or two, that could all change. I'm sure he knows tons more about what I should be doing than I do. We'll see. I've also been told by 3 or 4 people at the gym today that adding in the weight machines will also cause an initial gain....we've all heard it before...muscle weighs more than fat..blah, blah, lol. So I'm trying to take it all in stride. Just going to keep doing what feels right and take it as it comes. This all totally goes against my personality, but sometimes change can be a good thing. :)
Quote For the Day:
The first and the best victory is to conquer self." -Plato
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Job Fair Tomorrow
It's been another busy day....I had a lot of errands to run and stuff to take care of. My sister Amy came over late this morning and we went to the park together and walked the 2 mile trail. It wasn't my normal power walk, but it wasn't a stroll either. The weird thing is, I was even MORE sore after today's walk than I was after yesterday's which was much more rigorous. My body is so strange, lol.
Mom met us at the park with my niece and nephew after we were done with our walk. She brought Krystal's for lunch....I was going to eat 4, but knowing they were 160 calories each, I decided to only eat 2. I have a love affair with Krystal's that just won't seem to die....but I'm getting way better at having them in smaller amounts when I do have them. They're just a terrible caloric value...so little food for so many calories, and I like making better use of my calories.
I had a piece of breakfast casserole this morning that I made yesterday...it was 211 calories. I love making these....I cut it into 4 pieces and have breakfast that morning....and then don't have to cook breakfast for the next 3 mornings! These will come in really handy when I finally get another job. I made a French style pork stew in the crockpot for dinner....it made 3 servings and was 400 calories a serving, and quite tasty I might add. I love coupling pork with rosemary. It's a lovely, fragrant combination.
I had a few snacks throughout the day and came in right at 1500 calories for the 2nd day in a row. One more day before weigh day and then we'll see what the damage is. I've been drinking tons of water, just like I usually do, so I should have flushed all the sodium out from the moving weekend. Of course there's the bloating now that Mother Nature has so graciously bestowed upon me....but there's just nothing we can do about nature. Except cuss it, which I've done profusely. :)
The job fair is tomorrow morning at the Embassy Suites hotel...they are hiring for all positions. I'm hoping to snag something in Accounting or Bookkeeping...say your prayers!! It runs from 9a-3p...I'm going to be there at 8:30am. I've got my resume ready to go...3 copies actually....maybe I'm a little overzealous? lol The most stressful thing about getting ready for this was searching through my clothes in the closet. Oh my. I came upon the realization that I haven't bought any new work clothes in YEARS. I was at the last job for 3 1/2 years, and I guess when you get comfy in a place and get used to wearing the same outfits, maybe you don't realize how worn they're getting? At least I didn't.
The other problem is, I lost 20 lbs VERY SLOWLY over the course of last year...and then another 29 lbs since I started this blog in June. That's dang near 50 lbs!! Everything is now not only worn out, but oversized. It's not exactly falling off yet, thanks to my voluptuous hips, but if I sucked my stomach in, I feel sure my skirt would hit the floor. Gonna' have to watch that tomorrow, lol.
Well I'm off to cuddle with Scarlette. Poor baby....she's loving having the fenced in front yard, after leaving the apartment....but it's a two-edged sword. She's found absolute delight in munching on bugs at night when they come out and start crawling across the sidewalk...but last night she got stung on the nose by a fuzzy caterpillar, and tonight she got stung on the lower eyelid by a bumble bee. It's a little swollen, and she keeps rubbing her eye on my leg...I feel so sorry for her. Maybe she'll learn soon to snack selectively. 'Nite nite. :)
Mom met us at the park with my niece and nephew after we were done with our walk. She brought Krystal's for lunch....I was going to eat 4, but knowing they were 160 calories each, I decided to only eat 2. I have a love affair with Krystal's that just won't seem to die....but I'm getting way better at having them in smaller amounts when I do have them. They're just a terrible caloric value...so little food for so many calories, and I like making better use of my calories.
I had a piece of breakfast casserole this morning that I made yesterday...it was 211 calories. I love making these....I cut it into 4 pieces and have breakfast that morning....and then don't have to cook breakfast for the next 3 mornings! These will come in really handy when I finally get another job. I made a French style pork stew in the crockpot for dinner....it made 3 servings and was 400 calories a serving, and quite tasty I might add. I love coupling pork with rosemary. It's a lovely, fragrant combination.
I had a few snacks throughout the day and came in right at 1500 calories for the 2nd day in a row. One more day before weigh day and then we'll see what the damage is. I've been drinking tons of water, just like I usually do, so I should have flushed all the sodium out from the moving weekend. Of course there's the bloating now that Mother Nature has so graciously bestowed upon me....but there's just nothing we can do about nature. Except cuss it, which I've done profusely. :)
The job fair is tomorrow morning at the Embassy Suites hotel...they are hiring for all positions. I'm hoping to snag something in Accounting or Bookkeeping...say your prayers!! It runs from 9a-3p...I'm going to be there at 8:30am. I've got my resume ready to go...3 copies actually....maybe I'm a little overzealous? lol The most stressful thing about getting ready for this was searching through my clothes in the closet. Oh my. I came upon the realization that I haven't bought any new work clothes in YEARS. I was at the last job for 3 1/2 years, and I guess when you get comfy in a place and get used to wearing the same outfits, maybe you don't realize how worn they're getting? At least I didn't.
The other problem is, I lost 20 lbs VERY SLOWLY over the course of last year...and then another 29 lbs since I started this blog in June. That's dang near 50 lbs!! Everything is now not only worn out, but oversized. It's not exactly falling off yet, thanks to my voluptuous hips, but if I sucked my stomach in, I feel sure my skirt would hit the floor. Gonna' have to watch that tomorrow, lol.
Well I'm off to cuddle with Scarlette. Poor baby....she's loving having the fenced in front yard, after leaving the apartment....but it's a two-edged sword. She's found absolute delight in munching on bugs at night when they come out and start crawling across the sidewalk...but last night she got stung on the nose by a fuzzy caterpillar, and tonight she got stung on the lower eyelid by a bumble bee. It's a little swollen, and she keeps rubbing her eye on my leg...I feel so sorry for her. Maybe she'll learn soon to snack selectively. 'Nite nite. :)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sunshine On a Rainy Day
I lost 1.2 lbs. this week....I am down to 242.8. Woo Hoo! I'll take it! Any loss is a good loss and one to be proud of!
It's raining out so I just watched the news. They said it's going to be raining in the entire Northeast all weekend. Great. Sounds like all of my stuff is getting soaked tomorrow morning in the move. Oh who cares! I just want it done and over with. Thankfully, I've already moved over 90% of the boxes on my own...the movers are taking all the heavy furniture and maybe 8-10 more boxes. So I won't have a bunch of wet cardboard boxes to deal with. That's a plus! :)
As you know, my goal for each month is to lose 10 lbs. That puts me needing to lose 3.4 lbs next week to wrap up this month. I'm going to push myself hard to get it done....which means 1500 calories a day and a good walk on the treadmill each day. If I fall short, that's okay.....at least I know I'm still moving in the right direction. I like giving myself goals to keep myself motivated, even if I do set them a little high. The important thing is that I'm slowly but surely experiencing the mental changes that will help me reach and SUSTAIN a healthy weight for the rest of my life.
I'm off to do some last minute packing, laundry and cleaning. I've just about got it all done. It's going to be a great day! I'll try to do a post tonight to let you know how my day went before I pack up my laptop. If not, I'll definitely drop in tmrw night and update you. If it's raining where you are, then I hope you find a little sunshine in your day, too. :)
It's raining out so I just watched the news. They said it's going to be raining in the entire Northeast all weekend. Great. Sounds like all of my stuff is getting soaked tomorrow morning in the move. Oh who cares! I just want it done and over with. Thankfully, I've already moved over 90% of the boxes on my own...the movers are taking all the heavy furniture and maybe 8-10 more boxes. So I won't have a bunch of wet cardboard boxes to deal with. That's a plus! :)
As you know, my goal for each month is to lose 10 lbs. That puts me needing to lose 3.4 lbs next week to wrap up this month. I'm going to push myself hard to get it done....which means 1500 calories a day and a good walk on the treadmill each day. If I fall short, that's okay.....at least I know I'm still moving in the right direction. I like giving myself goals to keep myself motivated, even if I do set them a little high. The important thing is that I'm slowly but surely experiencing the mental changes that will help me reach and SUSTAIN a healthy weight for the rest of my life.
I'm off to do some last minute packing, laundry and cleaning. I've just about got it all done. It's going to be a great day! I'll try to do a post tonight to let you know how my day went before I pack up my laptop. If not, I'll definitely drop in tmrw night and update you. If it's raining where you are, then I hope you find a little sunshine in your day, too. :)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
No Worries
I said I wasn't going to worry about my weigh-in tomorrow morning and I've done pretty good with that. To tell you the truth, I've been so busy cleaning up and doing last minute packing that I haven't really had time to dwell on it. The good news is I've stayed below my calorie limit from Sunday through today and I've been on the treadmill. The bad news is, my stress level is through the roof wanting everything to go smooth with this move. I've never hired movers before because I've never been able to afford it. The only way I'm able to do it this time is because Dwayne's paying over half of it for me. If they break something, I'm just going to die, lol.
I've been working since sun up today and I'm so tired. I just got out of the shower and I think I'm going to curl up in bed with my baby Scarlette. I'm hoping to be able to post some pics of her soon so you can see who I'm always talking about. She's the light of my life. I'm ready for some snuggle time. 'Nite all. :)
Quote For The Day:
"The happiest life is that which constantly exercises and educates that which is best in us." -Hamerton
I've been working since sun up today and I'm so tired. I just got out of the shower and I think I'm going to curl up in bed with my baby Scarlette. I'm hoping to be able to post some pics of her soon so you can see who I'm always talking about. She's the light of my life. I'm ready for some snuggle time. 'Nite all. :)
Quote For The Day:
"The happiest life is that which constantly exercises and educates that which is best in us." -Hamerton
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
All Caught Up
Super short post. I finally, just now, got all caught up on everyone's blogs. I read and commented for 6 hours last night....and just finished up a 4 hour marathon tonight. It's 1:45am here in Georgia...and I'm going to lay down and pray my mind shuts off so I can get some good rest. 2 more days til weigh day, 3 more days til the big move. Came in 90 calories under my limit again today, and walked on the treadmill also. Things are good. 'Nite, nite. :)
Quote For The Day:
"In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends." -John Churton Collins
Quote For The Day:
"In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends." -John Churton Collins
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Better Than Ever
I'm back, and I'm better than ever!
I gotta' tell ya'....when I first started this blog back in June, most of the posts were negative. I was in the beginning stages of fighting a very serious addiction to food. I didn't really know how to do it, didn't think I had the tools...just started working towards it.....I was going to say day by day because my motto was "One Day at a Time"....but the truth is, it was hour by hour.
As I've progressed, the posts have become more positive in nature. Not all of them, but more than not. I didn't realize how much I was enjoying the joyous changes in myself, my attitude, my mentality until I went back and read the posts from Friday and Sunday. They made me want to barf. The negativity and the defeatist attitude made me sick. Down in the mouth and feeling sorry for yourself is no way to live....certainly not for me anyway!
Skinny Tammy is back in business and will try to curb those negative posts when things get a little hairy around here. My apologies to all of you for having to read that crap, and more importantly, my many, many thanks to all of you who took the time to post. Thank you for the encouragement, the prayers, the helpful tips and suggestions.....thank you for being the amazing people that you are. I feel very blessed that I have met and gotten to know all of you through your blogs and through the comments you leave on mine.
There's something else I need to say. Someone commented that it sounds like I'm a strong Christian and should rely on my faith....I'm just too exhausted to go back and look again at who said it (it's 1:45am right now), but I think it was Susan at The Quiet Diet. Whoever you were, lol, thank you so much. How sad is it to have to be reminded of something as paramount as that?
Yes, I am a Christian. I am nowhere near perfect (i.e., the cussing in my posts), but my faith in Jesus Christ is unwaivering. There's a catch here though. Faith only works if you use it. If you exercise it. I can say I pray and I believe in God to take care of things....but actually trusting Him to do so and letting go of the worry are two very different things. It took one of my beloved followers to remind me of my own faith. Total DUH! moment on my end. So glad she stated the obvious for me....THANK YOU!! :)
Here's another thing. Sleep deprivation does terrible things to your mind, and if you suffer from it long enough, it will come out in your posts. I've had insomnia for years.....not every single night....it comes and goes in spurts. I've been in a pretty long spurt for the last few months. My body can be completely exhausted but my mind just will NOT shut off. So much to think (and worry) about. I refuse to take sleeping pills because if I had started taking them 10 years ago for this, just imagine what kind of addiction I'd have by now. Who needs another addiction? So a lot of my "Woe is me" talk stemmed from that.
Here's an update on what's going on with Shane. I went to bed around 11pm...probably finally fell asleep at 1am....he started hollering in pain at 1:45am, begging me for another pain pill. He had taken the previous one 3 hours earlier. I got up and gave it to him with strict instructions that he wasn't getting another one til 4 hours had passed. I was worried he'd take them all too soon and then he'd really be in trouble. That led to me being awake for another couple of hours. Probably got back to sleep around 4am and got up at 7am.
I cooked him a cheese omelette and fed it to him, took him to the bathroom, gave him a sponge bath (leaving the real, naked bath for his gf to do this evening after work), and got him dressed. We spent a couple of hours on the phone with insurance companies and his orthopaedic dr's ofc. Finally got an appt. for 2:15pm today in Alpharetta (nearly an hour away). Then we called the hospital and ordered a copy of his x-rays. Drove up to Cartersville and got those and stopped by the store to get some printer paper. Drove back to Kennesaw and printed off the papers he needed to fill out for the doctor, as well as some insurance papers he needed his doctor to sign. Left again and headed to Alpharetta for his appointment, both of us nervous about whether or not he'd have to have another surgery. He's already had 4 surgeries on this shoulder from a previous injury.
Good news!! The doctor told us that while there is definitely a Grade 2 A/C separation between his collarbone and shoulder bone, it's not bad enough to need surgery. Praise the Lord!! Surgery would have meant him having no use of either arm for at least 6 months...constant care. What an answer to prayer! Shane has supplemental insurance through Aflac, and they will send him a check for things related to the accident and follow-up care, so that will be extra money in the household. He also had some vacation time at work available. Normally you have to request it 2 weeks in advance to be able to use it, but they made an exception due to his car accident, and they are letting him use it for this week, so that he'll still get his regular full paycheck. Another answer to prayer!!
The doctor said the sling is strictly for comfort...he doesn't need/have to wear it, so as soon as he was told that, he took it off and started doing for himself, like taking himself to the bathroom...another answer to prayer!! The doctor also told him to take the week off to rest the shoulder, gave him a note for work, and told him to go back to work next Monday....another answer to prayer!! Isn't God amazing? I surely think so. :)
Now, for the REALLY important stuff. How does all of this figure into my weight loss? Well I already told you that Friday sucked. I did manage to get my exercise in on the treadmill....I think it was 2.5 mi. in 34 mins. But the eating wasn't so hot. Thankfully, I read Jack's comment Friday night before I hit the buffet Saturday morning, so that day ended up being pretty successful. I didn't count calories, but I made some pretty darn good choices for what I was faced with. The bad part is, no treadmill. The good news is, Dwayne FINALLY bought a car. No more all-day car shopping!!! Oh thank you God, I was getting so tired of that. First of all, I have zero patience. Dwayne has the patience of Job. He literally researches nearly all of his purchases for weeks/months before he makes them. So on something as big as a car, it took 3 months. He ended up with an '04 Honda Accord v-6 coupe and he really loves it. His patience paid off and I'm happy for him. :)
Sunday....the day of the car wreck. I came in 90 calories under my limit. Did you hear that???? NO STRESS EATING! NONE! I had total control over the calories in the midst of absolute chaos. I even took Shane by Krystal's after we left the hospital because he hadn't eaten in 9 hours. And I got 2 Krystal's!! I had plenty of calories left for the day, I knew that they are 160 calories each, so I had 2. Kept me from feeling totally deprived of my favorite fast food, especially when having to smell them in my car...and I still came in 90 calories under budget. Now that, my friends, is success. Here's the bad part, lol. It was the 2nd day in a row of no treadmill. I just couldn't seem to find the time to fit it in that day. I had an extremely busy day before I got the call about the wreck, and was in fact walking to my closet to get my tennis shoes to go for my walk when I got the call. So, didn't happen.
Today...I am, again, 90 calories under budget. However, I made it down to the treadmill. We had a super busy day taking care of all Shane's stuff, but I told myself I was going tonight come Hell or high water. When Billie got here to give Shane his bath, I ran down there and did something I haven't done as of yet. I knocked out 3 miles finally! The most I've done so far was 2.75 miles in 40 mins. Tonight I did 3 miles in 42 mins and proud is not the word for it. Oh man, what a fantastic feeling to know I'm progressing. I started out only doing 1 mile and 15 mins!!!!
I didn't feel any pain during those 3 miles. Wanna' know why? Because pain is just weakness leaving the body. I felt a lot of weakness leaving my body....and what an awesome feeling it was!! Bye-bye weakness....see ya'...wouldn't wanna' be ya!! Ha Ha Ha!!! Hooray for Skinny Tammy....I'm walking right out of this fat body and into a new life! Yeah Baby!!
I'm 3 days away from weigh day. I can think about all the sodium I've had so far this week. I'm also told that not getting enough sleep negatively affects weight loss. And don't they say too much stress has the same negative effects? Did I mention Shane's car wreck and the fact that I'm moving to the new house this weekend?? lol There's a lot of things I can worry about in regards to whether or not I'll show a loss this Friday...it might be a gain, who knows? But I'm not going to worry. I'm just not. And that's thanks to Sean.
We emailed Friday night for a bit and he told me to forget about that stupid scale...in fact I think he said to throw it out the window, lol. He told me that if I keep doing what I know is right, then the losses will come. I know he's right. I want to see one every single week, but I know I won't...might not even on the weeks that I do every single thing right. Thank you for the advice Sean. I'm not going to worry like I have. It's a fast-track to self-sabotage for me, and that's just not cool. Thanks to all of you specifically for the comments on Friday night's post about the buffet. Those are still my weak points. My major fear. I want to especially thank Jack since he was the only comment I read before I went. He's the reason for my success that day. I ran his advice through my head all day Saturday. I thank him for caring enough to even offer his advice, as I thank all of you.
I know this was a super long post....just had so much to tell you!! Glad we're all caught up now. :) I spent 6 hours tonight catching up on commenting on blogs and I only got to Less of Lisa so far. What a lesson this has been...I will NEVER go 3 whole days w/o commenting again, lol. I'm enjoying catching up on what's been going on with you guys, and promise to get to the other half of you tomorrow. Sleep tight everyone. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and He shall say, 'Here I am'." -Isaiah 58:9
I gotta' tell ya'....when I first started this blog back in June, most of the posts were negative. I was in the beginning stages of fighting a very serious addiction to food. I didn't really know how to do it, didn't think I had the tools...just started working towards it.....I was going to say day by day because my motto was "One Day at a Time"....but the truth is, it was hour by hour.
As I've progressed, the posts have become more positive in nature. Not all of them, but more than not. I didn't realize how much I was enjoying the joyous changes in myself, my attitude, my mentality until I went back and read the posts from Friday and Sunday. They made me want to barf. The negativity and the defeatist attitude made me sick. Down in the mouth and feeling sorry for yourself is no way to live....certainly not for me anyway!
Skinny Tammy is back in business and will try to curb those negative posts when things get a little hairy around here. My apologies to all of you for having to read that crap, and more importantly, my many, many thanks to all of you who took the time to post. Thank you for the encouragement, the prayers, the helpful tips and suggestions.....thank you for being the amazing people that you are. I feel very blessed that I have met and gotten to know all of you through your blogs and through the comments you leave on mine.
There's something else I need to say. Someone commented that it sounds like I'm a strong Christian and should rely on my faith....I'm just too exhausted to go back and look again at who said it (it's 1:45am right now), but I think it was Susan at The Quiet Diet. Whoever you were, lol, thank you so much. How sad is it to have to be reminded of something as paramount as that?
Yes, I am a Christian. I am nowhere near perfect (i.e., the cussing in my posts), but my faith in Jesus Christ is unwaivering. There's a catch here though. Faith only works if you use it. If you exercise it. I can say I pray and I believe in God to take care of things....but actually trusting Him to do so and letting go of the worry are two very different things. It took one of my beloved followers to remind me of my own faith. Total DUH! moment on my end. So glad she stated the obvious for me....THANK YOU!! :)
Here's another thing. Sleep deprivation does terrible things to your mind, and if you suffer from it long enough, it will come out in your posts. I've had insomnia for years.....not every single night....it comes and goes in spurts. I've been in a pretty long spurt for the last few months. My body can be completely exhausted but my mind just will NOT shut off. So much to think (and worry) about. I refuse to take sleeping pills because if I had started taking them 10 years ago for this, just imagine what kind of addiction I'd have by now. Who needs another addiction? So a lot of my "Woe is me" talk stemmed from that.
Here's an update on what's going on with Shane. I went to bed around 11pm...probably finally fell asleep at 1am....he started hollering in pain at 1:45am, begging me for another pain pill. He had taken the previous one 3 hours earlier. I got up and gave it to him with strict instructions that he wasn't getting another one til 4 hours had passed. I was worried he'd take them all too soon and then he'd really be in trouble. That led to me being awake for another couple of hours. Probably got back to sleep around 4am and got up at 7am.
I cooked him a cheese omelette and fed it to him, took him to the bathroom, gave him a sponge bath (leaving the real, naked bath for his gf to do this evening after work), and got him dressed. We spent a couple of hours on the phone with insurance companies and his orthopaedic dr's ofc. Finally got an appt. for 2:15pm today in Alpharetta (nearly an hour away). Then we called the hospital and ordered a copy of his x-rays. Drove up to Cartersville and got those and stopped by the store to get some printer paper. Drove back to Kennesaw and printed off the papers he needed to fill out for the doctor, as well as some insurance papers he needed his doctor to sign. Left again and headed to Alpharetta for his appointment, both of us nervous about whether or not he'd have to have another surgery. He's already had 4 surgeries on this shoulder from a previous injury.
Good news!! The doctor told us that while there is definitely a Grade 2 A/C separation between his collarbone and shoulder bone, it's not bad enough to need surgery. Praise the Lord!! Surgery would have meant him having no use of either arm for at least 6 months...constant care. What an answer to prayer! Shane has supplemental insurance through Aflac, and they will send him a check for things related to the accident and follow-up care, so that will be extra money in the household. He also had some vacation time at work available. Normally you have to request it 2 weeks in advance to be able to use it, but they made an exception due to his car accident, and they are letting him use it for this week, so that he'll still get his regular full paycheck. Another answer to prayer!!
The doctor said the sling is strictly for comfort...he doesn't need/have to wear it, so as soon as he was told that, he took it off and started doing for himself, like taking himself to the bathroom...another answer to prayer!! The doctor also told him to take the week off to rest the shoulder, gave him a note for work, and told him to go back to work next Monday....another answer to prayer!! Isn't God amazing? I surely think so. :)
Now, for the REALLY important stuff. How does all of this figure into my weight loss? Well I already told you that Friday sucked. I did manage to get my exercise in on the treadmill....I think it was 2.5 mi. in 34 mins. But the eating wasn't so hot. Thankfully, I read Jack's comment Friday night before I hit the buffet Saturday morning, so that day ended up being pretty successful. I didn't count calories, but I made some pretty darn good choices for what I was faced with. The bad part is, no treadmill. The good news is, Dwayne FINALLY bought a car. No more all-day car shopping!!! Oh thank you God, I was getting so tired of that. First of all, I have zero patience. Dwayne has the patience of Job. He literally researches nearly all of his purchases for weeks/months before he makes them. So on something as big as a car, it took 3 months. He ended up with an '04 Honda Accord v-6 coupe and he really loves it. His patience paid off and I'm happy for him. :)
Sunday....the day of the car wreck. I came in 90 calories under my limit. Did you hear that???? NO STRESS EATING! NONE! I had total control over the calories in the midst of absolute chaos. I even took Shane by Krystal's after we left the hospital because he hadn't eaten in 9 hours. And I got 2 Krystal's!! I had plenty of calories left for the day, I knew that they are 160 calories each, so I had 2. Kept me from feeling totally deprived of my favorite fast food, especially when having to smell them in my car...and I still came in 90 calories under budget. Now that, my friends, is success. Here's the bad part, lol. It was the 2nd day in a row of no treadmill. I just couldn't seem to find the time to fit it in that day. I had an extremely busy day before I got the call about the wreck, and was in fact walking to my closet to get my tennis shoes to go for my walk when I got the call. So, didn't happen.
Today...I am, again, 90 calories under budget. However, I made it down to the treadmill. We had a super busy day taking care of all Shane's stuff, but I told myself I was going tonight come Hell or high water. When Billie got here to give Shane his bath, I ran down there and did something I haven't done as of yet. I knocked out 3 miles finally! The most I've done so far was 2.75 miles in 40 mins. Tonight I did 3 miles in 42 mins and proud is not the word for it. Oh man, what a fantastic feeling to know I'm progressing. I started out only doing 1 mile and 15 mins!!!!
I didn't feel any pain during those 3 miles. Wanna' know why? Because pain is just weakness leaving the body. I felt a lot of weakness leaving my body....and what an awesome feeling it was!! Bye-bye weakness....see ya'...wouldn't wanna' be ya!! Ha Ha Ha!!! Hooray for Skinny Tammy....I'm walking right out of this fat body and into a new life! Yeah Baby!!
I'm 3 days away from weigh day. I can think about all the sodium I've had so far this week. I'm also told that not getting enough sleep negatively affects weight loss. And don't they say too much stress has the same negative effects? Did I mention Shane's car wreck and the fact that I'm moving to the new house this weekend?? lol There's a lot of things I can worry about in regards to whether or not I'll show a loss this Friday...it might be a gain, who knows? But I'm not going to worry. I'm just not. And that's thanks to Sean.
We emailed Friday night for a bit and he told me to forget about that stupid scale...in fact I think he said to throw it out the window, lol. He told me that if I keep doing what I know is right, then the losses will come. I know he's right. I want to see one every single week, but I know I won't...might not even on the weeks that I do every single thing right. Thank you for the advice Sean. I'm not going to worry like I have. It's a fast-track to self-sabotage for me, and that's just not cool. Thanks to all of you specifically for the comments on Friday night's post about the buffet. Those are still my weak points. My major fear. I want to especially thank Jack since he was the only comment I read before I went. He's the reason for my success that day. I ran his advice through my head all day Saturday. I thank him for caring enough to even offer his advice, as I thank all of you.
I know this was a super long post....just had so much to tell you!! Glad we're all caught up now. :) I spent 6 hours tonight catching up on commenting on blogs and I only got to Less of Lisa so far. What a lesson this has been...I will NEVER go 3 whole days w/o commenting again, lol. I'm enjoying catching up on what's been going on with you guys, and promise to get to the other half of you tomorrow. Sleep tight everyone. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and He shall say, 'Here I am'." -Isaiah 58:9
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thank You Jesus!!!!
The scale says 244.0 this morning. I lost 6 lbs.!!!!!!!!!! I'm giving all the praise to God. He is the one I draw my strength from on my travels. He is the reason I was able to stay on the straight and narrow this week and move myself and my weight loss to the TOP of the priority list.
Thanks also to all of YOU for the wonderfully supportive comments that keep my spirits up and spur me on when I'm feeling overwhelmed. The constant support, encouragement and comraderie is immeasurable and it makes this journey so much more pleasant than going it alone. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone.
I just finished my breakfast casserole. It was only 176 calories so I'm off to a good start. Dwayne isn't here yet so I'm fixing to strap on my tennis shoes and go rock it out on the treadmill!! Hopefully I'll be back later tonight if I'm not wore slap out with an update on how a whole day of eating with Dwayne went. Pray for me, lol.
Quote For The Day:
"I can do all things through Christ Jesus which strengtheneth me." -Phillippians 4:13
Thanks also to all of YOU for the wonderfully supportive comments that keep my spirits up and spur me on when I'm feeling overwhelmed. The constant support, encouragement and comraderie is immeasurable and it makes this journey so much more pleasant than going it alone. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone.
I just finished my breakfast casserole. It was only 176 calories so I'm off to a good start. Dwayne isn't here yet so I'm fixing to strap on my tennis shoes and go rock it out on the treadmill!! Hopefully I'll be back later tonight if I'm not wore slap out with an update on how a whole day of eating with Dwayne went. Pray for me, lol.
Quote For The Day:
"I can do all things through Christ Jesus which strengtheneth me." -Phillippians 4:13
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Holding My Breath
Weigh-in Eve. Oh the stress, lol. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I am praying for at least 2 lbs. tomorrow morning. I don't want to expect too much for sure....but man I feel like I earned at least a 2 lb. loss. I am totally dreading the week a plateau hits. Don't let this week be it! I guess it doesn't really matter which week it is...I'm doing the same work, so it doesn't make a difference when it finally sneaks up and bites me. Been wondering what I'll do when it happens....what does everyone else do? Do you keep the same calorie amount each day or do you reduce it? Do you increase your daily exercise? Pam told me a while back that she hit one a while back and it lasted several weeks. That scares the living crap out of me....I want to be in Destin by next April!!!! At least by next summer....please God??!! PLEASE??!!
I finally got around tonight to checking some blogs of my newest followers. Melanie gave me an award and I didn't even know it!!!! Thanks Melanie...how sweet of you to think of me...and greatly appreciated! I also received another award today...from Brittany at Me vs. The Buffet. She has a homemade blog award, complete with fat rolls and a piece of fried chicken in her hand...lol...and I am the PROUD recipient!! Awesome!!
Dwayne called today and said he's taking the day off tomorrow and spending the whole day with me. Then he said, "Aren't you excited honey?!" While he was busy being excited, I was busy wondering how in the heck he was going to wreck my eating, lol. I told him of course I was excited....he's been looking for a "new" used car for about 3 months now and he wants to do some more looking tomorrow. I'll be so happy when he finally gets settled on something and we don't spend an ENTIRE day away from home and eating at fast food restaurants. Stresses me to no end. My current plan is to eat a piece of my 176 calorie breakfast casserole in the morning....and then pray we're at home around lunch time so I can make us some 350 calorie turkey burgers. Then there's always the fun of trying to figure out a dinner that both of us will eat....one that he will enjoy and not turn his nose up at....and one that I can eat guilt-free and still stay within my calorie budget. Here's his idea of food: Meat, Bad Carbs, Sweets, Absolutely NO VEGETABLES. Did I mention I'm stressed? lol
Well I think I'm all caught up on my blog reading and commenting for the day. Time to catch up on a little more laundry and a game of fetch with my baby puppy dog, Scarlette. I wish I could put pictures up. I really suck at this blogging thing, lol. Maybe I'll see if Pam can help me with some soon. She knows how AddAGadget-challenged I am. :)
Quote For The Day:
"I demolish my bridges behind me...then there is no choice but to move forward." -Firdtjof Nansen
I finally got around tonight to checking some blogs of my newest followers. Melanie gave me an award and I didn't even know it!!!! Thanks Melanie...how sweet of you to think of me...and greatly appreciated! I also received another award today...from Brittany at Me vs. The Buffet. She has a homemade blog award, complete with fat rolls and a piece of fried chicken in her hand...lol...and I am the PROUD recipient!! Awesome!!
Dwayne called today and said he's taking the day off tomorrow and spending the whole day with me. Then he said, "Aren't you excited honey?!" While he was busy being excited, I was busy wondering how in the heck he was going to wreck my eating, lol. I told him of course I was excited....he's been looking for a "new" used car for about 3 months now and he wants to do some more looking tomorrow. I'll be so happy when he finally gets settled on something and we don't spend an ENTIRE day away from home and eating at fast food restaurants. Stresses me to no end. My current plan is to eat a piece of my 176 calorie breakfast casserole in the morning....and then pray we're at home around lunch time so I can make us some 350 calorie turkey burgers. Then there's always the fun of trying to figure out a dinner that both of us will eat....one that he will enjoy and not turn his nose up at....and one that I can eat guilt-free and still stay within my calorie budget. Here's his idea of food: Meat, Bad Carbs, Sweets, Absolutely NO VEGETABLES. Did I mention I'm stressed? lol
Well I think I'm all caught up on my blog reading and commenting for the day. Time to catch up on a little more laundry and a game of fetch with my baby puppy dog, Scarlette. I wish I could put pictures up. I really suck at this blogging thing, lol. Maybe I'll see if Pam can help me with some soon. She knows how AddAGadget-challenged I am. :)
Quote For The Day:
"I demolish my bridges behind me...then there is no choice but to move forward." -Firdtjof Nansen
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
What's It Like?
I have done great this week with the calorie counting, staying under my limit, drinking tons of water, and getting on the treadmill every single day. But here's the cold, hard truth about it. It's been dang hard this week. It has been a total and complete struggle. I have wanted to eat as much as my big, fat body would possibly hold EVERY day this week. Why? I have no idea. No clue.
I feel like the mental changes are happening slowly. I've definitely made the decision to get the weight off once and for all. I've resisted all temptation and MADE myself do right this week. But it has been a downright, hour-to-hour struggle every single day....some days resulting in really high anxiety levels and stress headaches....all because of wanting to overeat. Insanity.
The reason I haven't overeaten, indulged a little over my limits, or binged is not because I'm awesome. I'm nowhere near awesome, lol. If I were, this would be a breeze. I think the reason I've stayed on track is for one simple, basic reason. I'm desperate. I am truly desperate to stop living as an obese person. Isn't 25 years long enough? I think so. I'm so desperate to know what it's like to live like and be treated like a "normal weight" person. I have dreams that it's incredibly fantastic. What is it like to NOT stand out in a crowd? What is it like to NOT break chairs? What is it like to NOT have to shop for clothes in "fat girl" stores?
What's it like to be considered for a promotion at work based on what you can do and not how much you weigh? What's it like to walk up to someone and know that they're looking in your eyes as you approach and not your jiggling stomach? What's it like to be judged by your thoughtfulness, your intellect, your sense of humor...instead of how many fat rolls you have? I really don't know, but boy do I want to. I want it so bad.
It's still a long ways away. I've still got about 70 lbs to go, and when I look at the whole total still waiting to be lost, it gets pretty daunting. Especially this week. What a struggle it has been! I have to really work at pulling my mind back to where it needs to be on weeks like this. The mental part is WAY harder than the physical part consuming the right number of calories and daily exercise. You all know that.
Someone left me a comment on the "Weight Loss Surgery" post that really struck me. She was talking about a tremendously obese man who had been asked why he wouldn't have the surgery. He said something to the affect that the body's not where the problem is....the problem is with the brain...and there's no lap band for the brain. Amen brother!! He is so, so right. The "trick" to making this a lifetime thing is getting the brain/mind right. That's where the hidden truths lie. I'm glad I'm learning that.
I've read several posts on other people's blog today who are having the same tough week I am. They're really struggling and I'm right there with them. I want to say to all of you that while some days we're reduced to fighting this battle one hour at a time, it is a battle worth fighting. And if we keep fighting, then one day we WILL win. I can't wait til each and every one of us can stand in front of our mirrors on the day we reach our goal weights. We get to say that WE did this....we fought, we bled, we cried, we scraped and clawed....and we WON. Each of us will claim our victory and, praise God, what a day that will be!!
We'll get there....we'll keep trudging through the trenches, pushing through, making the choices that we KNOW will get us to that day of complete freedom from all the misery that this excess weight has brought us. Is everyone geared up and ready for the next leg of this march towards victory? ONWARD!!
Quote For The Day:
"Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit." -Napoleon Hill
I feel like the mental changes are happening slowly. I've definitely made the decision to get the weight off once and for all. I've resisted all temptation and MADE myself do right this week. But it has been a downright, hour-to-hour struggle every single day....some days resulting in really high anxiety levels and stress headaches....all because of wanting to overeat. Insanity.
The reason I haven't overeaten, indulged a little over my limits, or binged is not because I'm awesome. I'm nowhere near awesome, lol. If I were, this would be a breeze. I think the reason I've stayed on track is for one simple, basic reason. I'm desperate. I am truly desperate to stop living as an obese person. Isn't 25 years long enough? I think so. I'm so desperate to know what it's like to live like and be treated like a "normal weight" person. I have dreams that it's incredibly fantastic. What is it like to NOT stand out in a crowd? What is it like to NOT break chairs? What is it like to NOT have to shop for clothes in "fat girl" stores?
What's it like to be considered for a promotion at work based on what you can do and not how much you weigh? What's it like to walk up to someone and know that they're looking in your eyes as you approach and not your jiggling stomach? What's it like to be judged by your thoughtfulness, your intellect, your sense of humor...instead of how many fat rolls you have? I really don't know, but boy do I want to. I want it so bad.
It's still a long ways away. I've still got about 70 lbs to go, and when I look at the whole total still waiting to be lost, it gets pretty daunting. Especially this week. What a struggle it has been! I have to really work at pulling my mind back to where it needs to be on weeks like this. The mental part is WAY harder than the physical part consuming the right number of calories and daily exercise. You all know that.
Someone left me a comment on the "Weight Loss Surgery" post that really struck me. She was talking about a tremendously obese man who had been asked why he wouldn't have the surgery. He said something to the affect that the body's not where the problem is....the problem is with the brain...and there's no lap band for the brain. Amen brother!! He is so, so right. The "trick" to making this a lifetime thing is getting the brain/mind right. That's where the hidden truths lie. I'm glad I'm learning that.
I've read several posts on other people's blog today who are having the same tough week I am. They're really struggling and I'm right there with them. I want to say to all of you that while some days we're reduced to fighting this battle one hour at a time, it is a battle worth fighting. And if we keep fighting, then one day we WILL win. I can't wait til each and every one of us can stand in front of our mirrors on the day we reach our goal weights. We get to say that WE did this....we fought, we bled, we cried, we scraped and clawed....and we WON. Each of us will claim our victory and, praise God, what a day that will be!!
We'll get there....we'll keep trudging through the trenches, pushing through, making the choices that we KNOW will get us to that day of complete freedom from all the misery that this excess weight has brought us. Is everyone geared up and ready for the next leg of this march towards victory? ONWARD!!
Quote For The Day:
"Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit." -Napoleon Hill
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I Won An Award Today...TWICE!!
I'm so excited! I won 2 lovely blog awards today, given to me by 2 great ladies. The first one I received this morning was from Brittany @ Me vs. The Buffet. I can tell you right now that anyone who has the word "buffet" in their title is going to be a good friend o' mine, lol, I can already tell. The second award I found out about from checking in at Michelle's blog @ My Journey to Onderland. It was written in her post today as well. Both of them are listed on my blogroll and I want to say a big THANK YOU for thinking of me. I'm glad you're enjoying my blog. That makes me smile. :) The next thing is for SOMEONE out there to tell me how to get the pretty little award posted on the sidebar of my blog...I see them on other people's blog but don't know how they get them up there. Someone please tell me. :)
WOW....every single comment that I got from my post last night was just fabulous. I'd encourage all of you to go back and read them. A couple of the ladies...Melanie and Michelle....work in hospitals, Melanie being a nurse. They have seen firsthand the people that have opted for the surgery and the aftermath that follows. And I really hate hearing about the people that do it and then gain the weight back. Really sad stuff. Of course you can gain it back from losing it the natural way as well....but I feel worse for the ones that do it after surgery. After what they thought was their life-changing solution, once and for all. They thought the surgery would FORCE them into losing the weight and keeping it off and it's becoming more and more evident to me that it just isn't always the case. And after you've put your body through that hell, altered your insides, suffered all the ensuing complications afterwards, and spent all that money....it's just terrible.
One of the things I forgot to mention in my post last night was the people who had already had the surgery, dropped a bunch of weight, and now had some SERIOUS loose skin issues. It was horrifying to look at (because I'm afraid I'll be faced with the same thing) and the actual surgery to do it that they show you on TV is not for people with weak stomachs. I was watching through my fingers with my hand over my face. They cut you open, hang up the top part of your floppy stomach with metal clamps, and then go to cutting.
One lady had 13 lbs of loose skin cut off her stomach and pubic region, and another 4 lbs cut off of her backside in the hip area above your bottom. They showed her at a follow up visit 3 months later and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that woman's lower body looked like a patchwork quilt. The scars were so, so bad. They wrapped around her whole body from front to back. It was quite disturbing. I'm seriously thinking about learning to live with my excess skin, no matter how bad it is. I'm going to have to work on that. It will be hard to look at on a daily basis, but I'm thinking those hideous scars would be even harder to look at. Just so drastic.
I've really been kicking butt this week with the calorie counting and the treadmill. I BETTER see 2 lbs gone by Friday....I think I'll just collapse on the scale if I don't...I have been working HARD. I've been on that dang treadmill every day....increasing my distance and speed a little more each day. I can't even describe the aching and soreness that I have each day...but I still manage to get down there and do it. I keep running that great quote through my head that I found on Amy H's blog @ No To The Deuce...."Pain is just weakness leaving the body." It's really working for me....that is my exercise mantra now. I'm loving it and using it every day. So thank you Amy...it was just what I needed. Yesterday I did 2.6 miles in 37 mins. This morning I did 2.75 miles in 40 minutes. Hooray for progress!!
Thank you again Brittany and Michelle for the blog awards. My blog is only 9 weeks old, I'm still pretty new at this stuff, so that makes it even more special to me. :)
Quote For The Day:
"People sometimes attribute my success to my genius; all the genius I know anything about is hard work." -Alexander Hamilton
WOW....every single comment that I got from my post last night was just fabulous. I'd encourage all of you to go back and read them. A couple of the ladies...Melanie and Michelle....work in hospitals, Melanie being a nurse. They have seen firsthand the people that have opted for the surgery and the aftermath that follows. And I really hate hearing about the people that do it and then gain the weight back. Really sad stuff. Of course you can gain it back from losing it the natural way as well....but I feel worse for the ones that do it after surgery. After what they thought was their life-changing solution, once and for all. They thought the surgery would FORCE them into losing the weight and keeping it off and it's becoming more and more evident to me that it just isn't always the case. And after you've put your body through that hell, altered your insides, suffered all the ensuing complications afterwards, and spent all that money....it's just terrible.
One of the things I forgot to mention in my post last night was the people who had already had the surgery, dropped a bunch of weight, and now had some SERIOUS loose skin issues. It was horrifying to look at (because I'm afraid I'll be faced with the same thing) and the actual surgery to do it that they show you on TV is not for people with weak stomachs. I was watching through my fingers with my hand over my face. They cut you open, hang up the top part of your floppy stomach with metal clamps, and then go to cutting.
One lady had 13 lbs of loose skin cut off her stomach and pubic region, and another 4 lbs cut off of her backside in the hip area above your bottom. They showed her at a follow up visit 3 months later and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that woman's lower body looked like a patchwork quilt. The scars were so, so bad. They wrapped around her whole body from front to back. It was quite disturbing. I'm seriously thinking about learning to live with my excess skin, no matter how bad it is. I'm going to have to work on that. It will be hard to look at on a daily basis, but I'm thinking those hideous scars would be even harder to look at. Just so drastic.
I've really been kicking butt this week with the calorie counting and the treadmill. I BETTER see 2 lbs gone by Friday....I think I'll just collapse on the scale if I don't...I have been working HARD. I've been on that dang treadmill every day....increasing my distance and speed a little more each day. I can't even describe the aching and soreness that I have each day...but I still manage to get down there and do it. I keep running that great quote through my head that I found on Amy H's blog @ No To The Deuce...."Pain is just weakness leaving the body." It's really working for me....that is my exercise mantra now. I'm loving it and using it every day. So thank you Amy...it was just what I needed. Yesterday I did 2.6 miles in 37 mins. This morning I did 2.75 miles in 40 minutes. Hooray for progress!!
Thank you again Brittany and Michelle for the blog awards. My blog is only 9 weeks old, I'm still pretty new at this stuff, so that makes it even more special to me. :)
Quote For The Day:
"People sometimes attribute my success to my genius; all the genius I know anything about is hard work." -Alexander Hamilton
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Reunion Eating Success!!
I did it. I met all 3 of the goals I set for myself for the family reunion today and ALL-THAT-FOOD!!! I really, truly surprised myself. After I wrote my post last night, I was thinking to myself, "Yeah right Fat Tammy. You know you. You know how you are with buffet tables full of food. You won't meet any of the goals you set. Who are you kidding? Tomorrow's going to be an eating disaster and you know it. Stop trying to fool yourself."
I tried to tell Sean last week that my old mixed tape just doesn't want to die. I've bashed the crap out of that thing and it just keeps playing!
I measured out 3 oz of ham this morning and made a ham sandwich for breakfast. I used Boar's Head 42% lower sodium Deluxe Ham...good stuff.
By the time we got to the reunion at 12pm I was starving....and then we found out they pushed it back til 1pm this year. Dang. So I found some Ritz crackers that my aunt brought for snacking, and I ate 5 of them.
It finally came time to eat. I grabbed my plate and headed down the buffet line...oh my goodness. I have a HUGE family full of fantastic cooks....that good ol' country cookin'....there were probably a total of 50-60 dishes of food on that table. My first goal was to only eat one plate. I did that...and there was no major piling. My plate didn't look like a mountain peak, lol, although I was tempted. But the one plate rule would have been worthless if I would have put two plate full's worth of food on it. First goal met.
My second goal was to make sure half of what was on my plate was vegetables. I did that. I had cabbage, carrots, lima beans, tomato slice, green beans and corn...most of my family members have gardens so nearly all of the veggies were fresh. Good eatin'. With the other half of my plate, there were so many different things I wanted to try, so instead of getting a spoonful, I just got maybe half a spoon...2 bites worth. Everything was fantastic...so, so good, and when I got done eating I was pleasantly stuffed.
They had probably 15 or so homemade desserts. Normally I'm not a huge dessert fan...I like desserts in small amounts....but can't say I've ever binged on sweet stuff. I sure could have today though, I could have started a new bad habit, lol. There was coconut cake, chocolate dream something or other, orange cake with vanilla icing, strawberry cake w/ fresh strawberries and blueberries on top, cobblers, pies...you name it, we had it. But what REALLY caught my eye today was a banana split cake. I had never seen one before. It had the usual banana pudding stuff on bottom with strawberries tucked inside, then a layer of Cool Whip, then on top there were cherries and walnuts and chocolate syrup drizzled all over. WOW. But I resisted...no dessert for Skinny Tammy.
My final goal today was to not have any Coke. I had water and half a glass of sugar-free lemonade. Third goal met. I enjoyed my food, but moreso, I enjoyed seeing family. I spent a couple of hours at the reunion and left at 2pm. I got home at 3pm and played with my puppy for a couple of hours. Then I went down and jumped on the treadmill. I knocked out 2.5 miles in 34 minutes. It felt incredibly good to know that I'm 3 days into the week and everything is right on track with the eating and the treadmill.
I came back and cooked dinner. I baked some cod in the oven with some spices and blackening seasonings on it. I had a 4 oz. piece and it was so good. Cod is a very mild, white, flaky fish..one of my favorites. I also had 2 cups of mixed veggies with it that included cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, yellow squash, zucchini and asparagus.
Today has been a total win!! I'm proud of myself for doing so well with the eating at the reunion...I really am. I'm a total loser when it comes to buffets full of food and today I won!! I hope everyone else had as good of a weekend as I did. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Let us not be weary in well doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." -Galatians 6:9
I tried to tell Sean last week that my old mixed tape just doesn't want to die. I've bashed the crap out of that thing and it just keeps playing!
I measured out 3 oz of ham this morning and made a ham sandwich for breakfast. I used Boar's Head 42% lower sodium Deluxe Ham...good stuff.
By the time we got to the reunion at 12pm I was starving....and then we found out they pushed it back til 1pm this year. Dang. So I found some Ritz crackers that my aunt brought for snacking, and I ate 5 of them.
It finally came time to eat. I grabbed my plate and headed down the buffet line...oh my goodness. I have a HUGE family full of fantastic cooks....that good ol' country cookin'....there were probably a total of 50-60 dishes of food on that table. My first goal was to only eat one plate. I did that...and there was no major piling. My plate didn't look like a mountain peak, lol, although I was tempted. But the one plate rule would have been worthless if I would have put two plate full's worth of food on it. First goal met.
My second goal was to make sure half of what was on my plate was vegetables. I did that. I had cabbage, carrots, lima beans, tomato slice, green beans and corn...most of my family members have gardens so nearly all of the veggies were fresh. Good eatin'. With the other half of my plate, there were so many different things I wanted to try, so instead of getting a spoonful, I just got maybe half a spoon...2 bites worth. Everything was fantastic...so, so good, and when I got done eating I was pleasantly stuffed.
They had probably 15 or so homemade desserts. Normally I'm not a huge dessert fan...I like desserts in small amounts....but can't say I've ever binged on sweet stuff. I sure could have today though, I could have started a new bad habit, lol. There was coconut cake, chocolate dream something or other, orange cake with vanilla icing, strawberry cake w/ fresh strawberries and blueberries on top, cobblers, pies...you name it, we had it. But what REALLY caught my eye today was a banana split cake. I had never seen one before. It had the usual banana pudding stuff on bottom with strawberries tucked inside, then a layer of Cool Whip, then on top there were cherries and walnuts and chocolate syrup drizzled all over. WOW. But I resisted...no dessert for Skinny Tammy.
My final goal today was to not have any Coke. I had water and half a glass of sugar-free lemonade. Third goal met. I enjoyed my food, but moreso, I enjoyed seeing family. I spent a couple of hours at the reunion and left at 2pm. I got home at 3pm and played with my puppy for a couple of hours. Then I went down and jumped on the treadmill. I knocked out 2.5 miles in 34 minutes. It felt incredibly good to know that I'm 3 days into the week and everything is right on track with the eating and the treadmill.
I came back and cooked dinner. I baked some cod in the oven with some spices and blackening seasonings on it. I had a 4 oz. piece and it was so good. Cod is a very mild, white, flaky fish..one of my favorites. I also had 2 cups of mixed veggies with it that included cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, yellow squash, zucchini and asparagus.
Today has been a total win!! I'm proud of myself for doing so well with the eating at the reunion...I really am. I'm a total loser when it comes to buffets full of food and today I won!! I hope everyone else had as good of a weekend as I did. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Let us not be weary in well doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." -Galatians 6:9
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Make Your Choice
Was being called Shamu and Free Willy hard?
Yes.
Is staying under 1500 calories per day harder than that?
No.
Was being made fun of on the school bus for 2 years hard?
Yes.
Is replacing crappy food with healthier choices harder than that?
No.
Was sitting in and breaking lawn chairs and even a wooden rocking chair in front of family, friends and even strangers hard?
Yes.
Is telling friends and family you can't go out to eat with them like you've always done, because sticking to your eating plan that day is more important, harder than that?
No.
Was shopping for clothes sizes 3x, 4x and 26/28's hard?
Yes.
Is drinking almost entirely water and cutting out Cokes harder than that?
No.
Was hearing your doctor define you as morbidly obese and telling you that if you don't get a grip on the weight loss very soon you might not make it through your 40's hard?
Yes.
Is making yourself get on the treadmill every day even though it hurts harder than that?
No.
Was being rejected by guys you wanted to date because they think fat chics are gross hard?
Yes.
Is pushing yourself as hard as you can on the treadmill to go further and further each week harder than that?
No.
Was having to drag another chair into a classroom in front of 30 of your peers at college because you couldn't fit into any of the desks hard?
Yes.
Is dedicating to blogging about your daily wins/losses and being completely honest in front of the whole world harder than that?
No.
Was finding out that you have hypothyroidism, PCOS, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and depression, and had to be medicated for all of them hard?
Yes.
Is eliminating the fast food and mega buffets that you're so accustomed to harder than that?
No.
Have you decided which is harder and made your choice on how to go forward with the rest of your life?
Yes.
What choice did you make?
I CHOOSE TO LOSE.
Quote For The Day:
Being fat is hard.
Losing weight is hard.
Choose your hard.
-Anonymous
Yes.
Is staying under 1500 calories per day harder than that?
No.
Was being made fun of on the school bus for 2 years hard?
Yes.
Is replacing crappy food with healthier choices harder than that?
No.
Was sitting in and breaking lawn chairs and even a wooden rocking chair in front of family, friends and even strangers hard?
Yes.
Is telling friends and family you can't go out to eat with them like you've always done, because sticking to your eating plan that day is more important, harder than that?
No.
Was shopping for clothes sizes 3x, 4x and 26/28's hard?
Yes.
Is drinking almost entirely water and cutting out Cokes harder than that?
No.
Was hearing your doctor define you as morbidly obese and telling you that if you don't get a grip on the weight loss very soon you might not make it through your 40's hard?
Yes.
Is making yourself get on the treadmill every day even though it hurts harder than that?
No.
Was being rejected by guys you wanted to date because they think fat chics are gross hard?
Yes.
Is pushing yourself as hard as you can on the treadmill to go further and further each week harder than that?
No.
Was having to drag another chair into a classroom in front of 30 of your peers at college because you couldn't fit into any of the desks hard?
Yes.
Is dedicating to blogging about your daily wins/losses and being completely honest in front of the whole world harder than that?
No.
Was finding out that you have hypothyroidism, PCOS, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and depression, and had to be medicated for all of them hard?
Yes.
Is eliminating the fast food and mega buffets that you're so accustomed to harder than that?
No.
Have you decided which is harder and made your choice on how to go forward with the rest of your life?
Yes.
What choice did you make?
I CHOOSE TO LOSE.
Quote For The Day:
Being fat is hard.
Losing weight is hard.
Choose your hard.
-Anonymous
Busy As A Bee
Mom showed up at 9am this morning with her van and we loaded that thing to the gills. Also threw some stuff in my car and hauled it all up to the new place and unloaded it. Ran by the salon and got my face waxed (part of the fun of having PCOS) and did a little grocery shopping for some healthy junk. I came home and did a ton of laundry, vacuumed all the floors (the carpet cleaning guy is coming in the morning), and got started on washing all of my baseboards...just need to finish up in my bedroom. Cooked dinner and ate, laid down across my bed to play with my puppy Scarlette...and woke up 2 hours later, lol. I was completely zonked. I woke up at 8:45 and made some decaf coffee. I have this weird thing of wanting to eat right when I wake up after a nap, so I grabbed coffee because dinner pretty much used up the rest of my calories for the day. As Sean says, my calorie bank doesn't have an ATM. :)
Finally got rid of the drowsy haze that follows a long nap (I hate those) and strapped on my tennis shoes. Walked down to the fitness center and jumped on my nemesis, the treadmill. I knocked out 2 miles in 30 minutes and drug myself back home. Fat Tammy was trying to skip the treadmill because I did all that moving this morning.....up and down those dang stairs...was trying to call that "good enough". But Skinny Tammy knew that I rested from the treadmill yesterday due to aching joints and my screwed up lower back, so it was time to get back on. I never allow myself to stay off of it more than one day in a row. That would just be bad business.
Fixing to hit the shower and and then lay down and pray for sleep. Insomnia is a b*tch. Back up early to pick up the baby's toys for the carpet cleaning guy. I've got a play date with my niece Carla tomorrow...the one I call Ladybug. We're going to hang out at the new house tomorrow and play with her toys. Quality time with my babies is important. I'm going to get a lot better at that once I get moved and get back into some sort of normal routine. I wish that routine included a dang job. :(
Quote For The Day:
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt
Finally got rid of the drowsy haze that follows a long nap (I hate those) and strapped on my tennis shoes. Walked down to the fitness center and jumped on my nemesis, the treadmill. I knocked out 2 miles in 30 minutes and drug myself back home. Fat Tammy was trying to skip the treadmill because I did all that moving this morning.....up and down those dang stairs...was trying to call that "good enough". But Skinny Tammy knew that I rested from the treadmill yesterday due to aching joints and my screwed up lower back, so it was time to get back on. I never allow myself to stay off of it more than one day in a row. That would just be bad business.
Fixing to hit the shower and and then lay down and pray for sleep. Insomnia is a b*tch. Back up early to pick up the baby's toys for the carpet cleaning guy. I've got a play date with my niece Carla tomorrow...the one I call Ladybug. We're going to hang out at the new house tomorrow and play with her toys. Quality time with my babies is important. I'm going to get a lot better at that once I get moved and get back into some sort of normal routine. I wish that routine included a dang job. :(
Quote For The Day:
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I've Been Inspired!!
I think I've mentioned Amy H. before at "No To The Deuce" listed on my blogroll, but I have such a terrific reason to mention her again that I'm making this whole post about what I read in her post tonight!!
She just got back from a family weekend at Cripple Creek. While there, she enjoyed a parade that involved some military troops. On one of the awesome soldier's shirts (I am sooooo pro-military and oozing with patriotism), she read this: "Pain is just weakness leaving the body."
Oh.....my......gosh. This is one of those inspirational sayings that has grabbed me and just won't let go. When I read it, I felt like I had been slapped right between the eyes....but a good slap!
My biggest, nagging issue with the weight loss is the exercise. More specifically, the walking I'm doing on the treadmill. As I explained tonight to Amy in a comment I left on her post, I completely suck at it. I really do. Yes, I'm pushing myself to get on it every day. But what a struggle it is. A daily struggle. The reason it's so hard to make myself do it is for one simple reason. It hurts. Even after 8 weeks of doing it steadily, it still REALLY hurts.
I've had lower back issues for years...not just because of the weight...but from actual injuries...straining it too many times from helping friend's move and lifting furniture...one time I was roller skating on the asphalt with some friends in our neighborhood as a teenager and both feet slipped out from under me at the same time and Oh! My bottom hit that asphalt so hard and I heard something pop. That's the very first injury I remember to my lower back.
Another time, several years ago, I was helping my boyfriend at the time put a post in the ground. He was doing a job for a subdivision and we were out in front of the subdivision, RIGHT BESIDE the main highway...a very busy highway. It was a 16 foot long, 6x6 wooden post. It was huge and it was heavy. I don't even know how we lifted it off the ground in the first place and got it upright and steadied but we did. I'm sure it helped that he himself was 6'7 and I'm 5'10. We were inching the post close to the hole....we were almost there...and then we lost the balance. The post was starting to fall TOWARDS TRAFFIC. In that split second I had a vision of it landing in someone's windshield of their car and killing them right in front of me.
My mind freaked, I wrapped both of my arms around that post and lifted the entire thing up off the ground BY MYSELF (the bf let go) and dropped it into the deep hole. It was adrenaline. I could never do that again in a million years.
Well....that little stunt landed me in the chiropractor's office for 5 straight weeks. Something about the sciatica nerve I think. All I know is I couldn't sit, stand, or lay down without immense pain. I had to drape myself over the loveseat, looking at the floor, to relieve the pressure and pain in my back. I would stay like that for HOURS.
Anyhoo....talk about getting off an a major tangent!! The point is....my back ALREADY hurts, before I even get on the treadmill, and it makes me dread it all the more. Of course, after the workout, my knees and legs are in pretty bad shape too. It makes me want to scream my head off every day due to the frustration of WANTING to do more, and physically just not being able to do so. The most I can do is 2.5...maybe 3 miles if I really push it...at one time.
However, when I read this quote: Pain is just weakness leaving the body....it was like I was viewing this exercise thing with "new eyes" (I lifted the eye thing from Sean's post from last night.....EXCELLENT post...go check it out!). A whole new outlook. Now, when it starts to hurt, I can smile instead of cringe. I know that it means what I'm doing is working. I know that it means the endurance WILL come eventually. I know that it means I'm getting stronger. It means I'm improving. With every step, it means I'm leaving Fat Tammy further and further behind.
Before someone tells me that if it hurts that bad, just don't do it....I've had several doctors tell me over the years that walking...specifically walking as an exercise...is one of the best, low impact exercises I can do to strengthen the muscles in my back and alleviate pain.
This new quote is my new inspiration for when I'm strapping on my tennis shoes every day. I'm going to view the pain as a good thing. I'm going to stop dreading it. I do think that after a good chunk of this weight is gone, that the pain will be much less. I think watching what I eat, and continuing with daily exercise, will lead to strengthening my whole body...my back, my legs, my knees...the whole shabang.
For the record, although my eating has been off plan for the last 3-4 days, the exercise and the water intake have been golden. I have been on that treadmill every single day without fail since Friday and I have consumed at least (3) 32 oz. glasses of water every single day. I'm trying to reign the calories back in and get my focus back on the dilligence of counting them so that I can get my groove back and start heading back down the scale. Might not have the time left this week to fix what I've already screwed up with the eating. But if I can just get my balance back this week, then next week should look a lot better. Gotta' get consistent and stay that way. :)
She just got back from a family weekend at Cripple Creek. While there, she enjoyed a parade that involved some military troops. On one of the awesome soldier's shirts (I am sooooo pro-military and oozing with patriotism), she read this: "Pain is just weakness leaving the body."
Oh.....my......gosh. This is one of those inspirational sayings that has grabbed me and just won't let go. When I read it, I felt like I had been slapped right between the eyes....but a good slap!
My biggest, nagging issue with the weight loss is the exercise. More specifically, the walking I'm doing on the treadmill. As I explained tonight to Amy in a comment I left on her post, I completely suck at it. I really do. Yes, I'm pushing myself to get on it every day. But what a struggle it is. A daily struggle. The reason it's so hard to make myself do it is for one simple reason. It hurts. Even after 8 weeks of doing it steadily, it still REALLY hurts.
I've had lower back issues for years...not just because of the weight...but from actual injuries...straining it too many times from helping friend's move and lifting furniture...one time I was roller skating on the asphalt with some friends in our neighborhood as a teenager and both feet slipped out from under me at the same time and Oh! My bottom hit that asphalt so hard and I heard something pop. That's the very first injury I remember to my lower back.
Another time, several years ago, I was helping my boyfriend at the time put a post in the ground. He was doing a job for a subdivision and we were out in front of the subdivision, RIGHT BESIDE the main highway...a very busy highway. It was a 16 foot long, 6x6 wooden post. It was huge and it was heavy. I don't even know how we lifted it off the ground in the first place and got it upright and steadied but we did. I'm sure it helped that he himself was 6'7 and I'm 5'10. We were inching the post close to the hole....we were almost there...and then we lost the balance. The post was starting to fall TOWARDS TRAFFIC. In that split second I had a vision of it landing in someone's windshield of their car and killing them right in front of me.
My mind freaked, I wrapped both of my arms around that post and lifted the entire thing up off the ground BY MYSELF (the bf let go) and dropped it into the deep hole. It was adrenaline. I could never do that again in a million years.
Well....that little stunt landed me in the chiropractor's office for 5 straight weeks. Something about the sciatica nerve I think. All I know is I couldn't sit, stand, or lay down without immense pain. I had to drape myself over the loveseat, looking at the floor, to relieve the pressure and pain in my back. I would stay like that for HOURS.
Anyhoo....talk about getting off an a major tangent!! The point is....my back ALREADY hurts, before I even get on the treadmill, and it makes me dread it all the more. Of course, after the workout, my knees and legs are in pretty bad shape too. It makes me want to scream my head off every day due to the frustration of WANTING to do more, and physically just not being able to do so. The most I can do is 2.5...maybe 3 miles if I really push it...at one time.
However, when I read this quote: Pain is just weakness leaving the body....it was like I was viewing this exercise thing with "new eyes" (I lifted the eye thing from Sean's post from last night.....EXCELLENT post...go check it out!). A whole new outlook. Now, when it starts to hurt, I can smile instead of cringe. I know that it means what I'm doing is working. I know that it means the endurance WILL come eventually. I know that it means I'm getting stronger. It means I'm improving. With every step, it means I'm leaving Fat Tammy further and further behind.
Before someone tells me that if it hurts that bad, just don't do it....I've had several doctors tell me over the years that walking...specifically walking as an exercise...is one of the best, low impact exercises I can do to strengthen the muscles in my back and alleviate pain.
This new quote is my new inspiration for when I'm strapping on my tennis shoes every day. I'm going to view the pain as a good thing. I'm going to stop dreading it. I do think that after a good chunk of this weight is gone, that the pain will be much less. I think watching what I eat, and continuing with daily exercise, will lead to strengthening my whole body...my back, my legs, my knees...the whole shabang.
For the record, although my eating has been off plan for the last 3-4 days, the exercise and the water intake have been golden. I have been on that treadmill every single day without fail since Friday and I have consumed at least (3) 32 oz. glasses of water every single day. I'm trying to reign the calories back in and get my focus back on the dilligence of counting them so that I can get my groove back and start heading back down the scale. Might not have the time left this week to fix what I've already screwed up with the eating. But if I can just get my balance back this week, then next week should look a lot better. Gotta' get consistent and stay that way. :)
Monday, August 10, 2009
30 Year Habit
Oh my goodness, it's been a rough day...and an even rougher weekend in regards to eating. I said I wasn't going to get on the scale this week til Friday. I guess I lied. I HAD to know what kind of damage I've done to myself after 3 days of mindless eating so I got on the scale after I got out of the shower tonight. I've gained 3 lbs. since Friday's weigh-in. How deflating.
I've got some family issues going on that I'm not going to splatter all over my blog. I really don't need to...I know that we ALL have crap that we have to deal with that many times is out of our control. It's just there. It is what it is and we have to find a way to deal with it. So when I tell you it's bad...and will probably get way worse before it gets better...if it ever gets better...then you know it's the truth.
I noticed tonight that I've been stress eating today. I didn't go all out...but I did end up over my calorie limit by a couple of hundred calories....AGAIN. The only good thing I have to report is that I did 2.5 miles on the treadmill this morning, and then did another mile tonight, trying to mitigate the damage. I've also drank all of my water for the last 2 days. Hooray for small victories. I would say that I'm glad the weekend is over...but truthfully, the stress of what I have to do tomorrow to take care of some family business is going to be worse than the last 3 days put together. Pray that I find my focus and can pull through...that I can set my eating aside from the stress that's in my face and not let it be affected in a negative way.
About the 30 year habit....when I first started this blog, I tried to think as far back as I could to find out how long I've been fat. I figured out that it was around 15 years old that I really realized I had a weight problem. I was so wrong. For some reason, in this past week, a couple of childhood memories popped into my head and I realized it was long before 15 years of age. Talk about depressing.
I had a memory of going to Weight Watchers with my mom back when my grandmother on my Dad's side of the family was one of their meeting leaders. I don't remember my exact age, but I want to say that it was before I was 10 years old because I think we were living at the "old house" when we went. Can I tell you how embarassing it was to sit in those meetings in front of my grandmother, who I wasn't very close to in my younger years (that has changed as I've aged), having her talk to "me" (all of us) about why I'm fat. Oh good Lord. I hated that. I think I buried those memories for a reason. Our mind buries certain things to protect us. Not sure why it decided to pop back up this week but I sure wish it would have stayed tucked away. Also, it was not lost on me, even at that age, that my 2 sisters weren't there with us. There was a reason I was the only one Mom drug along with her. I was the fat one. Another lovely reminder of childhood.
Also, I have memories of going to a restaurant on the weekends called Valley's. I want to say my earliest memory was around 7 years old probably. My Dad worked out of town a lot so we mostly only saw him on the weekends when I was young. I'm sure all he wanted was a home-cooked meal after he'd eaten out of town all week...but he took us out a lot when he came home...I'm guessing because we begged him and he knew we'd eaten at home all week long and going to a nice restaurant sure was fun!! I was such a little pig apparently. I specifically remember Dad always asking us, after we finished our plate, if we had enough to eat. "Did you get enough to eat girls? Are you still hungry? Want anything else?"
Of course I'd had enough...but I specifically remember (and I'm so ashamed of this) thinking that Oh boy! I could have a whole other plate of food if I want!!! But then, even at 7 years old, I knew it would be impolite to make Dad pay for more food, and make the whole family sit there and wait while I ate another whole plate. My thought processes had NOTHING to do with the fact that I didn't need anymore food. I refuse to believe that I was still physically hungry. So I must have had food issues as young as 7 years old. That just blows my mind. I'm embarassed by that...I'm ashamed of it...and it's just one more memory that I wish would have stayed tucked away.
I've been a food addict for 30 years. Incredible. Incredibly depressing is more like it. Do you know how easy it would be for me to tell myself....30 years? Seriously, Tammy? There's no way you can break a 30 year habit. That's more than you can handle. You don't have it in you. It would take more work that you're capable of doing. Why waste your time? Just accept who you are and live with it. Oh yes, it would be easy to just lay down and quit. Yes indeedy.
Or......Or I could realize that I have a choice. I can choose the defeatist attitude, throw my hands up in the air, feel sorry for myself, let the embarassment and shame take over and hold me down for the rest of my life. I could "just accept it" and "live with it". I certainly could.
Or I could make the other choice. I could choose life. Real life. A healthy life. I could choose to hold my head up high in the face of those memories...stare them down...and show them that it IS possible to break 30 year habits. Hard, admittedly....but possible. And I do have it in me to do it. I can take all that shame and embarassment and disgust for myself and turn it into the tools I need to push me towards my goals. I can turn it into anger for letting myself go this long. I can turn it into determination to get on that treadmill every day, without fail, and walk myself right out of this fat body. I can turn it into perseverance with counting the calories and staying under my limits every single day, no matter WHAT is thrown my way. I can turn it into pride that I care enough about myself to commit to reaching my goals.
That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm taking my life back from the dreaded fat cells. I'm going to find out for the FIRST TIME what it's like to be a normal weight, because I obviously don't have a memory of ever being one. I don't have any skinny jeans stuck in the back of my closet to fit into because I've NEVER OWNED ANY. That's okay. That's perfectly okay. This whole "normal weight" thing is going to be completely new for me, and that in itself is exciting. I don't even know what I'm missing...I guess that's one way of looking at it. But I hear it's fantastic...it's liberating...it's something worth working towards and busting my a$$ for and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Freedom awaits....and I'm answering the call. I choose to lose. I choose to work hard. I choose to go at this with a positive attitude and leave the negative thoughts behind me. I choose to press on...to trudge through the muck and the mire that's been holding me back until I get to that mountain top. I will get there. I will. And I can't wait to see the view.....in my new skinny jeans. :)
Quote For The Day:
"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones." -Chinese proverb
I've got some family issues going on that I'm not going to splatter all over my blog. I really don't need to...I know that we ALL have crap that we have to deal with that many times is out of our control. It's just there. It is what it is and we have to find a way to deal with it. So when I tell you it's bad...and will probably get way worse before it gets better...if it ever gets better...then you know it's the truth.
I noticed tonight that I've been stress eating today. I didn't go all out...but I did end up over my calorie limit by a couple of hundred calories....AGAIN. The only good thing I have to report is that I did 2.5 miles on the treadmill this morning, and then did another mile tonight, trying to mitigate the damage. I've also drank all of my water for the last 2 days. Hooray for small victories. I would say that I'm glad the weekend is over...but truthfully, the stress of what I have to do tomorrow to take care of some family business is going to be worse than the last 3 days put together. Pray that I find my focus and can pull through...that I can set my eating aside from the stress that's in my face and not let it be affected in a negative way.
About the 30 year habit....when I first started this blog, I tried to think as far back as I could to find out how long I've been fat. I figured out that it was around 15 years old that I really realized I had a weight problem. I was so wrong. For some reason, in this past week, a couple of childhood memories popped into my head and I realized it was long before 15 years of age. Talk about depressing.
I had a memory of going to Weight Watchers with my mom back when my grandmother on my Dad's side of the family was one of their meeting leaders. I don't remember my exact age, but I want to say that it was before I was 10 years old because I think we were living at the "old house" when we went. Can I tell you how embarassing it was to sit in those meetings in front of my grandmother, who I wasn't very close to in my younger years (that has changed as I've aged), having her talk to "me" (all of us) about why I'm fat. Oh good Lord. I hated that. I think I buried those memories for a reason. Our mind buries certain things to protect us. Not sure why it decided to pop back up this week but I sure wish it would have stayed tucked away. Also, it was not lost on me, even at that age, that my 2 sisters weren't there with us. There was a reason I was the only one Mom drug along with her. I was the fat one. Another lovely reminder of childhood.
Also, I have memories of going to a restaurant on the weekends called Valley's. I want to say my earliest memory was around 7 years old probably. My Dad worked out of town a lot so we mostly only saw him on the weekends when I was young. I'm sure all he wanted was a home-cooked meal after he'd eaten out of town all week...but he took us out a lot when he came home...I'm guessing because we begged him and he knew we'd eaten at home all week long and going to a nice restaurant sure was fun!! I was such a little pig apparently. I specifically remember Dad always asking us, after we finished our plate, if we had enough to eat. "Did you get enough to eat girls? Are you still hungry? Want anything else?"
Of course I'd had enough...but I specifically remember (and I'm so ashamed of this) thinking that Oh boy! I could have a whole other plate of food if I want!!! But then, even at 7 years old, I knew it would be impolite to make Dad pay for more food, and make the whole family sit there and wait while I ate another whole plate. My thought processes had NOTHING to do with the fact that I didn't need anymore food. I refuse to believe that I was still physically hungry. So I must have had food issues as young as 7 years old. That just blows my mind. I'm embarassed by that...I'm ashamed of it...and it's just one more memory that I wish would have stayed tucked away.
I've been a food addict for 30 years. Incredible. Incredibly depressing is more like it. Do you know how easy it would be for me to tell myself....30 years? Seriously, Tammy? There's no way you can break a 30 year habit. That's more than you can handle. You don't have it in you. It would take more work that you're capable of doing. Why waste your time? Just accept who you are and live with it. Oh yes, it would be easy to just lay down and quit. Yes indeedy.
Or......Or I could realize that I have a choice. I can choose the defeatist attitude, throw my hands up in the air, feel sorry for myself, let the embarassment and shame take over and hold me down for the rest of my life. I could "just accept it" and "live with it". I certainly could.
Or I could make the other choice. I could choose life. Real life. A healthy life. I could choose to hold my head up high in the face of those memories...stare them down...and show them that it IS possible to break 30 year habits. Hard, admittedly....but possible. And I do have it in me to do it. I can take all that shame and embarassment and disgust for myself and turn it into the tools I need to push me towards my goals. I can turn it into anger for letting myself go this long. I can turn it into determination to get on that treadmill every day, without fail, and walk myself right out of this fat body. I can turn it into perseverance with counting the calories and staying under my limits every single day, no matter WHAT is thrown my way. I can turn it into pride that I care enough about myself to commit to reaching my goals.
That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm taking my life back from the dreaded fat cells. I'm going to find out for the FIRST TIME what it's like to be a normal weight, because I obviously don't have a memory of ever being one. I don't have any skinny jeans stuck in the back of my closet to fit into because I've NEVER OWNED ANY. That's okay. That's perfectly okay. This whole "normal weight" thing is going to be completely new for me, and that in itself is exciting. I don't even know what I'm missing...I guess that's one way of looking at it. But I hear it's fantastic...it's liberating...it's something worth working towards and busting my a$$ for and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Freedom awaits....and I'm answering the call. I choose to lose. I choose to work hard. I choose to go at this with a positive attitude and leave the negative thoughts behind me. I choose to press on...to trudge through the muck and the mire that's been holding me back until I get to that mountain top. I will get there. I will. And I can't wait to see the view.....in my new skinny jeans. :)
Quote For The Day:
"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones." -Chinese proverb
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Bad Eating Weekend....BAD
Gotta' make this a short post...its 12:30am, and I need to head to bed soon so I can get up early and have Baby Scarlette at the groomer's for her appointment. By the way, my precious little baby puppy dog turned 1 year old today...still a baby...but she'll always be Momma's baby. :)
What can I say about eating this weekend? I suck. That pretty much sums it up. I really hate that I can't be perfect and do everything right down to the letter. I really hate being a stupid human full of flaws, lol.
Friday I ate heatlhy stuff all day...counted all the calories....and I ate too many of them. For dinner, Dwayne and I went out to a restaurant and I decided I needed a hamburger and fries since I haven't had either since I started my travels 8 weeks ago. Trying to be responsible, I cut the hamburger in half, and separated the fries into 2 even piles. I ate half the burger and threw the other half away. I ate half the fries, and threw the other half away. Still way too many calories for the entire day, because I'd eaten too many before I even got to dinner. Just kept snacking. Damn that snacking.
Saturday was a total bust. No binge...no mega buffets or anything like that. Just no structure to my day whatsoever. If you haven't noticed by now, I'm a total control freak, and I had no control over how today went. Makes me crazy and throws me off with my food decisions and calorie counting. In short, it pisses me off.
Dwayne has been car shopping for something used for 3 months now. It's wearing on me. I really thought he was ready to buy something this weekend, and we headed out early. We spent most of the day visiting car lots and test driving cars, and even ended up at a desk talking numbers at the last dealership we visited. Then he decided he just wasn't ready and we left. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!
Ate too much again today. I only have 2 small, tiny victories to report for today, but I lost the battle overall. I got on the treadmill right after breakfast this morning and walked 1.5 miles. Not the 2 miles I had worked up to, but it was something. The 2nd tiny thing was...I made some lean boneless pork ribs for dinner and finally made my Grandma's recipe for baked mac'n'chz that I haven't had in the last 8 weeks (Dwayne's favorite dish of mine). My roommate Shane and his girlfriend ended up going to her house, so they didn't eat dinner with us and I had nearly a whole casserole dish of that mac'n'chz and some pork ribs left over.
In order to get it out of my house (I didn't even want the leftovers in my house for Shane to eat the next day, because my eating had already been so poor this weekend), I told Dwayne to go ahead and head out earlier than usual for a Saturday night, and take all the leftovers to his buddy Kevin's house. I know that he usually hangs out at Kevin's on Sundays, so they'd have some food for tomorrow, and I wouldn't be tempted to eat anymore of it. YAY!
The baby will be at the groomer's for 2 hours tomorrow, so as soon as I drop her off, I'm heading back home and stopping by the fitness center at the front of the apt complex FIRST....I'm going to walk until I can't walk anymore....I'm going to walk until I FALL OFF that treadmill, trying to reverse some of the damage I did this weekend. I'm working on my 3rd 32 oz. glass of water for the day now, and will continue drowning myself until Friday's weigh-in.
I hope everyone is having a FAR better eating weekend than I am. :(
Quote For The Day:
"Our greatest glory consists not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall." - Oliver Goldsmith
What can I say about eating this weekend? I suck. That pretty much sums it up. I really hate that I can't be perfect and do everything right down to the letter. I really hate being a stupid human full of flaws, lol.
Friday I ate heatlhy stuff all day...counted all the calories....and I ate too many of them. For dinner, Dwayne and I went out to a restaurant and I decided I needed a hamburger and fries since I haven't had either since I started my travels 8 weeks ago. Trying to be responsible, I cut the hamburger in half, and separated the fries into 2 even piles. I ate half the burger and threw the other half away. I ate half the fries, and threw the other half away. Still way too many calories for the entire day, because I'd eaten too many before I even got to dinner. Just kept snacking. Damn that snacking.
Saturday was a total bust. No binge...no mega buffets or anything like that. Just no structure to my day whatsoever. If you haven't noticed by now, I'm a total control freak, and I had no control over how today went. Makes me crazy and throws me off with my food decisions and calorie counting. In short, it pisses me off.
Dwayne has been car shopping for something used for 3 months now. It's wearing on me. I really thought he was ready to buy something this weekend, and we headed out early. We spent most of the day visiting car lots and test driving cars, and even ended up at a desk talking numbers at the last dealership we visited. Then he decided he just wasn't ready and we left. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!
Ate too much again today. I only have 2 small, tiny victories to report for today, but I lost the battle overall. I got on the treadmill right after breakfast this morning and walked 1.5 miles. Not the 2 miles I had worked up to, but it was something. The 2nd tiny thing was...I made some lean boneless pork ribs for dinner and finally made my Grandma's recipe for baked mac'n'chz that I haven't had in the last 8 weeks (Dwayne's favorite dish of mine). My roommate Shane and his girlfriend ended up going to her house, so they didn't eat dinner with us and I had nearly a whole casserole dish of that mac'n'chz and some pork ribs left over.
In order to get it out of my house (I didn't even want the leftovers in my house for Shane to eat the next day, because my eating had already been so poor this weekend), I told Dwayne to go ahead and head out earlier than usual for a Saturday night, and take all the leftovers to his buddy Kevin's house. I know that he usually hangs out at Kevin's on Sundays, so they'd have some food for tomorrow, and I wouldn't be tempted to eat anymore of it. YAY!
The baby will be at the groomer's for 2 hours tomorrow, so as soon as I drop her off, I'm heading back home and stopping by the fitness center at the front of the apt complex FIRST....I'm going to walk until I can't walk anymore....I'm going to walk until I FALL OFF that treadmill, trying to reverse some of the damage I did this weekend. I'm working on my 3rd 32 oz. glass of water for the day now, and will continue drowning myself until Friday's weigh-in.
I hope everyone is having a FAR better eating weekend than I am. :(
Quote For The Day:
"Our greatest glory consists not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall." - Oliver Goldsmith
Friday, August 7, 2009
Month #2 Goal Met!!!
This morning the scale said 249.4 for a loss of 2.4 lbs. this week. That brings me to a grand total of 22.6 lbs. lost in 2 months/8 weeks!!! GOAL MET!!! I'm going to do something hard this week. I'm going to stay off of the scale until next Friday's weigh-in. I've been on it every day this week, watching it go up and down, up and down, and it's had me tied up in knots. I'm just going to eat within my calories, get in some daily exercise, and whatever happens next Friday, happens. It's going to be tough....I'm addicted to that dang scale...but our relationship is a toxic one, lol.
I'm headed off to the unemployment office shortly to sit in line for 3 hours and then find out how to file for an extension. I've been laid off since February and my benefits run out at the end of this month....and still not one single call for a job interview. Say a prayer for me that things go smoothly, because in about 3 short weeks, I'm going to be penniless if I can't get an extension worked out. Say a bigger prayer that SOMEBODY HIRES ME!!!!
I just ran into a girl named Tina at Fat Girl Dives In and I put her on my blogroll. I'm so excited because we're neighbors! She lives in Atlanta too! Tina, if you're reading and you know of any Accounting positions....Pleeeeeaaaassseee let me know! :)
I'm headed off to the unemployment office shortly to sit in line for 3 hours and then find out how to file for an extension. I've been laid off since February and my benefits run out at the end of this month....and still not one single call for a job interview. Say a prayer for me that things go smoothly, because in about 3 short weeks, I'm going to be penniless if I can't get an extension worked out. Say a bigger prayer that SOMEBODY HIRES ME!!!!
I just ran into a girl named Tina at Fat Girl Dives In and I put her on my blogroll. I'm so excited because we're neighbors! She lives in Atlanta too! Tina, if you're reading and you know of any Accounting positions....Pleeeeeaaaassseee let me know! :)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Soooooo Exhausted
The treadmill is kicking my butt! So much so, I didn't even get on it today. I just couldn't. I am soooo incredibly sore all over. And my blistered feet are a poor sight. My shoes are just entirely too tight. I've decided when I reach my next 15 lb. goal, which will be at the 30 lb. marker, that I'm killing the budget and splurging on a new pair of New Balance walking shoes. My feet are just too important and I'm tired of all the continuous pain.
I've been eating 1400 calories for the last 2 days, and intended to today, but I'm ending at 1319. I know this is going to sound shocking, but I'm just too tired to eat anymore. LOL....take note of this....I'm sure it will be one of VERY FEW times you hear Fat Tammy say she's too tired to eat. Truthfully, I can barely keep my eyes open so I think I'm going to hit the bed at 8pm tonight. Amazing. Due to my persistent insomnia, I usually don't get there til 1a-2a. But that's the way it goes with me......several nights in a row of only 4-5 hours of sleep, and then one day I crash before it's even dark outside. Precious sleep....I'm totally looking forward to it.
I am praying for a 2 lb. loss tomorrow morning so I can reach my 10 lb. goal for this month. Check back tomorrow morning to see if I'm cussing like a sailor or doing the buck naked Happy Dance. :)
Quote For The Day:
"There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect." -Ronald Reagan
I've been eating 1400 calories for the last 2 days, and intended to today, but I'm ending at 1319. I know this is going to sound shocking, but I'm just too tired to eat anymore. LOL....take note of this....I'm sure it will be one of VERY FEW times you hear Fat Tammy say she's too tired to eat. Truthfully, I can barely keep my eyes open so I think I'm going to hit the bed at 8pm tonight. Amazing. Due to my persistent insomnia, I usually don't get there til 1a-2a. But that's the way it goes with me......several nights in a row of only 4-5 hours of sleep, and then one day I crash before it's even dark outside. Precious sleep....I'm totally looking forward to it.
I am praying for a 2 lb. loss tomorrow morning so I can reach my 10 lb. goal for this month. Check back tomorrow morning to see if I'm cussing like a sailor or doing the buck naked Happy Dance. :)
Quote For The Day:
"There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect." -Ronald Reagan
Have You Heard About Sean???
I'm sorry about the delay in the post, but I was waiting til Sean posted his good news so I could dedicate this post to him and the amazing milestone that he reached yesterday.....
SEAN HAS LOST 201 LBS!!!!
For any of you who haven't heard about Sean yet...especially the ones who have just recently started your blogs, he is definitely someone you want to check out. His blog is listed on my blogroll, "The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser".
He emailed me yesterday afternoon with the fantastic news. He started his journey 325 days ago, and in less than a year, he has dropped from 505 lbs. to 304 lbs. What an amazing, hard-won accomplishment!! He deserves all the praise in the world for his tenacity, perseverance and consistency in his daily Battle Against Obesity.
Sean is just a super terrific guy....full of humility and kindess and a willing desire to help others in their weight loss struggles. He's here to tell us that it IS possible...just look at HIM. His blog is a daily account of his life as he takes off the weight. He's been down in the trenches...he's done the hard work...and he's still doing it every day. Sean's ultimate goal is to get down around 230 or whatever feels right for him. He is now LESS than 100 lbs away from his goal. It's all downhill from here.
Along with my best friend Pam, who has lost about 70 lbs. herself and inspired me to start my own weight loss blog, Sean is my next biggest mentor. He is a shining example of how it's done. The mental change that he has experienced towards food is an incredible inspiration to me. He has developed total control over food. There has been no specific "diet", no magic pill...his strategy is really quite simple. "Eat less, move more". He gave himself a daily limit of 1500 calories and he walks/jogs every day for his exercise.
It wasn't easy in the beginning. Walking was nearly impossible for him due to his size. But he did it. He stuck with it and he pushed through. The endurance that he's built over these last 300+ days is just phenomenal. Recently he and has family went to a Chinese buffet to celebrate one of their daughter's birthdays. He was able to eat a 700 calorie dinner and stay within his limits for the day. I am still not able to do that. I have to avoid the buffets altogether still. I don't have that kind of restraint yet and I know it. But one day I will. I'm going to keep following Sean's example and one day I'll be enjoying the successes that he has.
Please take a moment to hop over to his blog and give him a big Congrats. He sure deserves it! And if you're a new blogger and haven't seen his blog yet...I encourage you to read through and check out his travels. He can be the same inspiration to you that he is to me.
A word to Sean.....what can I say? You rock. You're the man. My heartfelt congratulations to you for such an amazing triumph in this battle. You are so close to having total victory over Obesity and I'm blessed to have found you and had the chance to follow your story. Thank you Sean for your example, for your humility, for truly caring about others and their struggles. Thank you for emailing me with the news yesterday as soon as you found out. I'm glad we're friends and that I have the opportunity to cheer you on all the way to the finish line!
I pulled today's quote from Amy H.'s blog at "No To The Deuce" a couple of weeks ago. I really like this one. :)
Quote For The Day:
"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." -Henry David Thoreau
SEAN HAS LOST 201 LBS!!!!
For any of you who haven't heard about Sean yet...especially the ones who have just recently started your blogs, he is definitely someone you want to check out. His blog is listed on my blogroll, "The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser".
He emailed me yesterday afternoon with the fantastic news. He started his journey 325 days ago, and in less than a year, he has dropped from 505 lbs. to 304 lbs. What an amazing, hard-won accomplishment!! He deserves all the praise in the world for his tenacity, perseverance and consistency in his daily Battle Against Obesity.
Sean is just a super terrific guy....full of humility and kindess and a willing desire to help others in their weight loss struggles. He's here to tell us that it IS possible...just look at HIM. His blog is a daily account of his life as he takes off the weight. He's been down in the trenches...he's done the hard work...and he's still doing it every day. Sean's ultimate goal is to get down around 230 or whatever feels right for him. He is now LESS than 100 lbs away from his goal. It's all downhill from here.
Along with my best friend Pam, who has lost about 70 lbs. herself and inspired me to start my own weight loss blog, Sean is my next biggest mentor. He is a shining example of how it's done. The mental change that he has experienced towards food is an incredible inspiration to me. He has developed total control over food. There has been no specific "diet", no magic pill...his strategy is really quite simple. "Eat less, move more". He gave himself a daily limit of 1500 calories and he walks/jogs every day for his exercise.
It wasn't easy in the beginning. Walking was nearly impossible for him due to his size. But he did it. He stuck with it and he pushed through. The endurance that he's built over these last 300+ days is just phenomenal. Recently he and has family went to a Chinese buffet to celebrate one of their daughter's birthdays. He was able to eat a 700 calorie dinner and stay within his limits for the day. I am still not able to do that. I have to avoid the buffets altogether still. I don't have that kind of restraint yet and I know it. But one day I will. I'm going to keep following Sean's example and one day I'll be enjoying the successes that he has.
Please take a moment to hop over to his blog and give him a big Congrats. He sure deserves it! And if you're a new blogger and haven't seen his blog yet...I encourage you to read through and check out his travels. He can be the same inspiration to you that he is to me.
A word to Sean.....what can I say? You rock. You're the man. My heartfelt congratulations to you for such an amazing triumph in this battle. You are so close to having total victory over Obesity and I'm blessed to have found you and had the chance to follow your story. Thank you Sean for your example, for your humility, for truly caring about others and their struggles. Thank you for emailing me with the news yesterday as soon as you found out. I'm glad we're friends and that I have the opportunity to cheer you on all the way to the finish line!
I pulled today's quote from Amy H.'s blog at "No To The Deuce" a couple of weeks ago. I really like this one. :)
Quote For The Day:
"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." -Henry David Thoreau
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