Boy has it been a week from Hell....the worst one I've had since I started my travels down the road to good health. My weigh-in is tomorrow morning and I just don't even want to think about that.
First of all, thanks to each and everyone of you for the wonderfully supportive comments. I responded to each of you individually.
After I sent Marie my "goodbye" email yesterday afternoon, I thought all the crap was over with. I was wrong. She responded to my email this morning by laughing at me that nobody wanted to have anything to do with me anymore. It was filled with all kinds of hurtful words and it was hard to read. She cut me....deep. I responded, and after an hour or so of going back and forth, we both finally parted ways and wished each other well in the future.
My eyes have been red and bloodshot for the last 2 days due to the lack of sleep over this...I can't seem to get my brain to shut off at night and get any rest. Today was no exception. I tried to move past it. I fought off the urge to binge ALL DAY LONG. As I told one of my followers, "Blue Moon", I've thought about mega buffets for the last 2 days. She reminded me that it is empty comfort and I know that she's right. Why is it so hard to change the old way of thinking and KEEP it changed? I guess if it was easy....the whole world would be skinny.
I didn't get on the treadmill yesterday so I knew I really needed to get down there today. I usually do it in the mornings...but oh my goodness...it took me til 4pm to finally drag myself down there. And when I got to the fitness room, it was closed. There was a woman inside painting the walls. I was so pissed. It took SUCH effort to get myself down there, and then I couldn't do my walk. I cussed all the way back to my apartment.
I emailed with my friend Pam today, catching up on the last couple of days. Thank God for her. I just love her so much. Pam and I have known each other since Drama class in high school. I can't even tell you all the things that we've been through together.....20 years worth. We now live over 400 miles apart from each other and we are STILL the closest of friends. Our friendship hasn't been perfect...you can imagine that in 20 years time, we've had our share of differences....some small, some rather large. But what our friendship HAS been is accepting, loving, forgiving....REAL and TRUE. Some people are only in our lives for a season while others are there for the long haul. I thank God that I found a lifetime friend in Pam.
I took a long, hot soak in the tub trying to melt away my troubles. I enjoyed a couple of cups of french vanilla decaf coffee w/ sugar-free hazelnut creamer. I had a long, refreshing talk on the phone with my mom. I had another long talk on the phone with Dwayne.....who by the way, has been nothing but loving and supportive through this whole ordeal. I thank God for him too.
I was finally thinking that maybe the negativity was over and I was headed into a good weekend with Dwayne. Then I sat down to do my post and found an email from Lori. She felt like she just had to put her 2 cents in. She told me exactly what she thought about me hurting "her" friend Marie....and I just snapped. I lost it. I know I SHOULD have taken the high road....but I didn't. I envisioned getting an email from Rebecca next and felt like I was being backed into a corner so I came out fighting. I gave it to Lori with both barrels. It was ugly. All true, but ugly.
I've already thought about how my parents are going to read this tomorrow morning and probably roll their eyes at the amazing ability their daughter has to act like a 3 year old. I have no defense for that, other than to say that nobody's perfect...especially not me.
So the saga continues.....just one big, bullsh*t ball of stress that seems to keep growing. Gotta' get on the scale in a few short hours and see what it says. I swear, if there's a loss there, or even if I maintained, it is solely by God's grace.
Thanks to all of you again for listening and offering your thoughts and your well wishes. Although it may not sound like it due to this post....it really is helping more than I can express. Until tomorrow.....
5 months ago