A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Awards and Apologies



The sweet girl at "First Steps" (I'm sorry I don't know her name yet!), gave me the Versatile Blogger award and Leslie at "Something Brilliant Is Brewing" gave me the Life Is Good award this week.  I think someone else gave me a 3rd award even earlier, but I've been so flighty with the blogging with trying to pack and move that I've forgotten who it was!!  I'm truly sorry about that....I thought I knew who it was....went to their blog to make sure...and they had an award, but I wasn't on their list of who they were passing it to, lol.   As with all awards, there are rules to follow, but if you've been following my blog for a while, then you know I suck at following them.  It's actually pretty amazing that I even remembered to acknowledge these 2 awards!  I thank both of you ladies for thinking I'm worthy and spreading the love to me.  I really do appreciate that you thought of me when honoring others with these awesome awards.  :)

Now...on to the apologies.  One thing that I always mean to do when someone asks me a question in a comment on one of my posts, or expresses a differing opinion, is address it in my next post.  However...this goes back to my crappy memory in general.  I forget to do that...often....in fact, most of the time.  For whatever reason, this crossed my mind tonight while I was loading the dishwasher, and decided that tonight's the night to address that...made myself stop what I was doing, and ran back here to the computer to do this post!! 

I don't have any specific questions in mind to answer at the moment, like about recipes and different products that people have asked me about along the way....but what I would like to address from most recently is when I did the post "Wow This Is Hard" several days ago.

I commented that I've only lost 25 lbs. in the year since I started blogging last June.   I said how bad I suck and how pathetic that was.  That I didn't give it 100% effort...and probably not even 50% effort.  I think these statements touched a nerve with a couple of people, or made them think that if they've done the same, or perhaps seen even less progress, that I was in some way telling them that they suck, too. 

Let me be clear....is everyone paying attention?  lol

THAT COULD NOT BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

I guess I somehow assumed that everyone who reads knows that when I'm blogging, I'm just vomiting out whatever's twirling around in my mind.  Since it's my blog...what I'm writing about is usually all about me.  My thoughts, my day, my week, my good news, my bad news, my depression, my happiness, etc.  Sometimes I blog about other people's blogs...make note of exciting, positive stuff, or try to direct you to new blogs or new friends.  But I must have assumed that everyone knew the difference....and when I was just posting about "me". 

First of all, I despise judgement, so although I'm not perfect, I really do try not to judge others for any reason...okay, for MOST reasons would be a more accurate statement...but definitely no judgement on weight loss/gain/maintaining.  EVER.  If I say "I suck" for such and such a reason....that's my real, honest, raw feelings about my actions, or inactions, and the result it created.  It has absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone else.  I'm going to use Leslie as an example, because I love her to pieces and she knows it.  She's one of my closest blog friends who never hesitates to email me for any reason, and I do the same to her.  She's coming down to Atlanta for a visit in August, and I can NOT wait to meet such a fantastic human being in real life.  So when I say something about her right now...she knows it comes from a place of love and caring. 

Leslie posted a comment to that particular post that said something about being the same as when she started a year ago, and maybe a little higher that particular day/week.  But I knew from the rest of her comment that she knew where I was coming from.  I was not trying to offend anyone....I would never do that.  She gets me.  She understands me.  She knows I wasn't pushing judgement on her, or sitting back thinking of all the bloggers who haven't lost much or who have gained and thinking, "Wow, they suck as bad as I do."  I just would NEVER do that.  My mind doesn't work like that.  I'm actually very self-involved when it comes to one single topic in my life and that's my weight loss.  I am my own worst critic, as I think many of us are.

  If I think I suck...I'm going to say I suck.  It is in no way a reflection of what I think about "you" or your journey.  The reality is, I think ALL of you absolutely rock.  I rely on you more than I could ever tell you or put into words.  Even when you slip... fall... wallow around in the mud for a while before you get back on the horse, etc.  I LOVE that you get back on the horse.  Hell, you're the reason I keep getting back on mine!!! 

 And it absolutely breaks my heart (to the point of tears) when I go to pop in on someone and catch up and their blog is shut down.  They disappeared.  They left me and didn't even say good-bye.  I'll be honest with you.  This may be wrong and bad...but dang it, I take it personally when people leave, lol.  I invest a lot of myself...my time, my encouragement, my positivity, my 100% belief in others that they WILL reach their goals...it's truly an emotional investment above all else, and when they leave w/o even saying bye it just kills me dead.  I pray for people...I know how hard this weight loss business is, and I'm here to do anything I can to help those who want it or need it.  I really, truly care about you.  I really do.  Whether we've met in person or not, you all feel like friends to me.  I believe that you really do care about MY journey as well.  So it pains me when people give up. 

I'd be a hypocrite if I said I hadn't THOUGHT about giving up and shutting down my own blog.  But I've already posted about that, so you all already know that.  But I haven't given up.  There are 2 reasons, and I told you the #1 reason in the post I'm referring to.  I told you it's because I still have a flicker of hope that one day I'll get it right.  What I didn't tell you, for fear of getting just a little too mushy, is that YOU are the 2nd and only other reason.  You've invested in me, and I realize that.  You believe in me.  You tell me all the time.  Some of you are inspired by me (for the life of me, I can't figure out WHY?)...but that's what I hear.  Some of you probably just like to watch train wrecks, lol...totally kidding...but you're here.  You've been with me for a long time, and new followers are still showing up.  You're my supporters...my cheerleaders...the friends that tell me that yes, I CAN do it, and yes, I WILL reach my goal, and yes, you DO know it's hard....but you know I'll get there....we'll all get there...together. 

So please...please....don't ever take offense to anything I say when I'm referring to myself.  I'm not going to change the way I write this blog.  I write the way I think/talk.  It just flows out of my fingertips the same way it would flow out of my mouth..."eff" words and all.  This is me.  This is the real me.  And when I think I'm acting like a moron, I'm going to say so.  Just don't think I'm talking about you, too, because I'm not. 

Remember...I think YOU rock.  :)

12 comments:

  1. I just found your blog through Bethany's blogroll and had to say that I love people who can blog it like it is! You go! :-)

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  2. this so relates to what I was thinking about your earlier post, how Society Hates Fat people. I was thinking how if 50% of the US is obese and society hates fat people, that's a lot of self loathing going on. Your post reminded me again, in the words of Ghandi to BE THE CHANGE you want to see in the world, in other words, be kind to yourself, and you ll create that outside yourself too.
    In this way, when you are cruel to yourself, you are cruel to others. I think that maybe people are responding to your self criticism in this way?
    Your blog is so touching and honest, you really are an inspiration. I d love to see you give your self some credit and start being kinder to you in general. Either way, it was a lovely reminder for ME to do the same. After reading your HATE FAT PEEPS post, i decided JUST for today to not berate my arms.
    Success so far.
    Good Luck.

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  3. I think you rock too! :) You are doing a great job. You will get there, as I hope I do too some day. I'm half-assed working at it. I could always work harder. I too don't judge anyone. I know exactly how hard this battle is. I'm been fighting it for years!

    Hope all is well in your world!

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  4. No matter what others have said, I think you rock too. That's why I follow you. :)

    You keep writing the way you've been doing... open, honest, emotional. We get you (and like you) just as you are!

    Btw, last I checked, the numbers on your sidebar say you've lost some weight since last year. You've refused to give up and have succeeded in weighing less than last year. That's what I'd call a success! Is it as much as what others have lost or where you think you should be at? Maybe not, but you are still here, still working at it, still have hope and determination. To me, that defines success, not the numbers on the scale each day/week/month.

    You, dear lady, do not suck. Life's just making you fight for it. That's all. :)

    As the classic song states... "Don't stop believin'!" You can do this and we'll be here to see it unfold with you. ~H.

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  5. I totally get you, and give you a huge round of applause for honesty! Sometimes I find myself "editing" my words for political correctness, which makes me remember that I'm not being paid to write a column to a particular constituency, I'm writing about my opinions and feelings. Good, bad, ugly, and never with the intention of hurting anyone's feelings. If someone takes offense because I'm berating myself and they identify with me, that is not my intent or problem......

    So, just keep telling it to us like it is according to you! I can read plenty of "homogenized" stories about weight loss in magazines, books, and on the Internet. But, this it the forum where the true, gritty stories are told and that's what keeps me in the loop.

    High five to you!

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  6. You say you take it personally when someone shuts their blog down.

    Can you see how others would take it personally watching you verbally attack yourself so often, even when they know you speak of yourself only? The ones who read your blog care about you and it hurts them to see you be so mean to yourself.

    I also think it may be part of the reason you are not any further in your journey than you are - every time you take a shot at yourself and tell yourself you suck, you put a subconscious thought in the back of your mind that you are not good enough to do it. They may be small, and your determination may be able to override them, but they still delay progress. I wish you would be kinder to yourself. I think it would pay off in spades.
    Love you.

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  7. I love your blog because you are so real. You bare your soul, and just purge it all onto Blogville. It helps me to know I am not alone, and inspires me to get back on the wagon and give it another go.

    I only hope I can someday inspire someone to hang on.

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  8. I personaly LOVE the fact that you are so honest on your blog! I have never taken any of your comments personaly. It's what makes your blog yours. Now I will comment if I think you are making exuses for not eating healthy, but it's only because I do that too sometimes and I know you can make the right choices. Sometimes it's the voices in my head that are my worst enemy and I find myself making exuses for not eating what I should in a week. It's because I care that I will post and say "hey, enough exuses..get back ontrack". You have come such a long way in the past year with some major life struggles, and you are still here!! And I thank you for letting us follow along! You deserve those awards:) And you are being sucessful simply because you haven't given up.

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  9. Tammy, i love reading your blog! Sure you have some ups and downs, some good days and some bad days, thats normal! And lord knows that we all have some issues with ourselves, we didn't get to be this size by being healthy! It's a place to vent, it's a place to get our feelings out where we can see them...it's a big deal to say things out loud or put them in to words, especially where other people can see them. And however you need to express yourself...just do it! You write what a lot of us feel but have a hard time saying.

    That being said, i've never been offended by anything you've posted. I just hope that through this journey and with the love and support of some pretty amazing people that you will find peace within yourself and realize that you are human. You will make mistakes, we all will, but it's about bouncing back and learning from them.

    You are doing an amazing job, you've lost some weight and kept it off which is no small acheivement! Keep blogging sister!

    Hugs!

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  10. You're right...I do love you to pieces! And I think I do get you and vice versa. I totally understand about occasionally worrying that something I say about myself may be construed by others as saying it about them too. Anyone who has read you more than a couple of times could never think you were directing disparaging comments or judgements to others as you are real and honest but always kind and supportive to other bloggers. We are so lucky to be part of this community! Hugs!

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  11. Here's how I see it..it's your blog so you can say whatever you want..;)

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  12. Yeah and I feel like I'm a whine bucket.
    Keep on pissin n moanin Tammy and I'll have some cheese with my w i n e. :0)
    Can't believe I skipped over this post the other day.
    40 lashes for me.

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