30 Year Habit

Oh my goodness, it's been a rough day...and an even rougher weekend in regards to eating. I said I wasn't going to get on the scale this week til Friday. I guess I lied. I HAD to know what kind of damage I've done to myself after 3 days of mindless eating so I got on the scale after I got out of the shower tonight. I've gained 3 lbs. since Friday's weigh-in. How deflating.

I've got some family issues going on that I'm not going to splatter all over my blog. I really don't need to...I know that we ALL have crap that we have to deal with that many times is out of our control. It's just there. It is what it is and we have to find a way to deal with it. So when I tell you it's bad...and will probably get way worse before it gets better...if it ever gets better...then you know it's the truth.

I noticed tonight that I've been stress eating today. I didn't go all out...but I did end up over my calorie limit by a couple of hundred calories....AGAIN. The only good thing I have to report is that I did 2.5 miles on the treadmill this morning, and then did another mile tonight, trying to mitigate the damage. I've also drank all of my water for the last 2 days. Hooray for small victories. I would say that I'm glad the weekend is over...but truthfully, the stress of what I have to do tomorrow to take care of some family business is going to be worse than the last 3 days put together. Pray that I find my focus and can pull through...that I can set my eating aside from the stress that's in my face and not let it be affected in a negative way.

About the 30 year habit....when I first started this blog, I tried to think as far back as I could to find out how long I've been fat. I figured out that it was around 15 years old that I really realized I had a weight problem. I was so wrong. For some reason, in this past week, a couple of childhood memories popped into my head and I realized it was long before 15 years of age. Talk about depressing.

I had a memory of going to Weight Watchers with my mom back when my grandmother on my Dad's side of the family was one of their meeting leaders. I don't remember my exact age, but I want to say that it was before I was 10 years old because I think we were living at the "old house" when we went. Can I tell you how embarassing it was to sit in those meetings in front of my grandmother, who I wasn't very close to in my younger years (that has changed as I've aged), having her talk to "me" (all of us) about why I'm fat. Oh good Lord. I hated that. I think I buried those memories for a reason. Our mind buries certain things to protect us. Not sure why it decided to pop back up this week but I sure wish it would have stayed tucked away. Also, it was not lost on me, even at that age, that my 2 sisters weren't there with us. There was a reason I was the only one Mom drug along with her. I was the fat one. Another lovely reminder of childhood.

Also, I have memories of going to a restaurant on the weekends called Valley's. I want to say my earliest memory was around 7 years old probably. My Dad worked out of town a lot so we mostly only saw him on the weekends when I was young. I'm sure all he wanted was a home-cooked meal after he'd eaten out of town all week...but he took us out a lot when he came home...I'm guessing because we begged him and he knew we'd eaten at home all week long and going to a nice restaurant sure was fun!! I was such a little pig apparently. I specifically remember Dad always asking us, after we finished our plate, if we had enough to eat. "Did you get enough to eat girls? Are you still hungry? Want anything else?"

Of course I'd had enough...but I specifically remember (and I'm so ashamed of this) thinking that Oh boy! I could have a whole other plate of food if I want!!! But then, even at 7 years old, I knew it would be impolite to make Dad pay for more food, and make the whole family sit there and wait while I ate another whole plate. My thought processes had NOTHING to do with the fact that I didn't need anymore food. I refuse to believe that I was still physically hungry. So I must have had food issues as young as 7 years old. That just blows my mind. I'm embarassed by that...I'm ashamed of it...and it's just one more memory that I wish would have stayed tucked away.

I've been a food addict for 30 years. Incredible. Incredibly depressing is more like it. Do you know how easy it would be for me to tell myself....30 years? Seriously, Tammy? There's no way you can break a 30 year habit. That's more than you can handle. You don't have it in you. It would take more work that you're capable of doing. Why waste your time? Just accept who you are and live with it. Oh yes, it would be easy to just lay down and quit. Yes indeedy.

Or......Or I could realize that I have a choice. I can choose the defeatist attitude, throw my hands up in the air, feel sorry for myself, let the embarassment and shame take over and hold me down for the rest of my life. I could "just accept it" and "live with it". I certainly could.

Or I could make the other choice. I could choose life. Real life. A healthy life. I could choose to hold my head up high in the face of those memories...stare them down...and show them that it IS possible to break 30 year habits. Hard, admittedly....but possible. And I do have it in me to do it. I can take all that shame and embarassment and disgust for myself and turn it into the tools I need to push me towards my goals. I can turn it into anger for letting myself go this long. I can turn it into determination to get on that treadmill every day, without fail, and walk myself right out of this fat body. I can turn it into perseverance with counting the calories and staying under my limits every single day, no matter WHAT is thrown my way. I can turn it into pride that I care enough about myself to commit to reaching my goals.

That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm taking my life back from the dreaded fat cells. I'm going to find out for the FIRST TIME what it's like to be a normal weight, because I obviously don't have a memory of ever being one. I don't have any skinny jeans stuck in the back of my closet to fit into because I've NEVER OWNED ANY. That's okay. That's perfectly okay. This whole "normal weight" thing is going to be completely new for me, and that in itself is exciting. I don't even know what I'm missing...I guess that's one way of looking at it. But I hear it's fantastic...it's liberating...it's something worth working towards and busting my a$$ for and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Freedom awaits....and I'm answering the call. I choose to lose. I choose to work hard. I choose to go at this with a positive attitude and leave the negative thoughts behind me. I choose to press on...to trudge through the muck and the mire that's been holding me back until I get to that mountain top. I will get there. I will. And I can't wait to see the view.....in my new skinny jeans. :)

Quote For The Day:

"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones." -Chinese proverb

Monday's Misery

Yesterday I felt like crap all day because I ate too many carbs over the weekend...poison for a diabetic. Today I felt like crap all day because Dwayne and I aren't getting along too well and I spent most of the day in bed all weepy-eyed. Tomorrow MUST be better!!

Dwayne and I aren't fighting...it's nothing like that. There's just a little bit of distance right now...we've been together 5 years next month. We see each other nearly every single weekend, along with 2 or 3 days during the week on most weeks, and sometimes too much time together can be a bad thing. Sometimes people need space. I have no idea how married people do it! lol
Anyhoo, I finally texted him today and told him to take this week and this weekend to himself and enjoy some time with his buddies. I told him I'd talk to him next week after he had a little time to himself. I know that's what's best right now....we've had these phases before...but it doesn't make me miss him any less. :(

Another problem is the unemployment. This has been going on since Feb. 20th and I am SICK TO DEATH of it. I need a job badly. I don't know how those women do it that shop and eat bon bons all day. I loathe feeling this unproductive. It completely sucks. If I was rich and didn't have bills to worry about, I might have a different attitude towards the life of a sloth. But for me and my financial situation, no work = depression.

One more thing that affects my mood is gloomy weather. It's been overcast and drizzling rain for the last 2 days. Blech. Hate it. My mom is one of those people that loves the rain, talks about how well she can sleep/nap when it's raining...just enjoys it. I'm singing a different tune. My song is more like, "Rain, rain, go away, come again....in like 6 months".

When I'm feeling like this my first instinct is to drown my sorrows and soothe my depression with food. I was telling my friend Pam earlier that it's these types of days that lead me straight to the Chinese take-out menu. As I said from the very beginning, I'm a foodaholic. Totally addicted to food....bad food, and way too much of it. If I were an alcoholic, I'd probably be swimming around in a bottle of vodka right now. With my addiction, I was tempted to swim around in a vat of lo mein.

But......I have good news to report. Fat Tammy lost today....Skinny Tammy won out! Sure, I thought about blowing the budget, blowing the diet, blowing my 13.6 lb loss so far and ordering enough lo mein and egg rolls to feed a small army. But I did what I've learned from Lyn at EscapefromObesity to do. I sat and thought. The pros and cons....especially the cons....the only pro I could think of was that I would "temporarily" feel better....only to end up hating myself before I went to bed.

I also emailed my friend Pam when my dialing finger started twitching. It's always good to have that one friend that you can go to at a moment's notice and announce your evil plan to sabotage your diet. Her job is to either offer me healthy alternatives, put her foot up my a$$ w/ some tough love and good advice, etc....but she always comes through. Always. I love her for that.

She told me how to make my own lo mein, where to buy the right noodles, etc. so I will be picking those up this week to have on hand. She has a recipe for her version of lo mein on her food blog http://lobsterandfishsticks.com/. I can't tell you how many times her recipes have saved me, given me new things to try so my diet doesn't become routine and boring. She is just AWESOME and I will never stop singing her praises! Check out her alternative to the comfort food beef stroganoff....OMG! Soooo good!!

But I pulled through. No Chinese. No failure today. And you know my motto....one day at a time....and I made it through this one. That's what matters. I'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here. I'm still trying to recover from this past weekend's indiscretions and the resulting gain on the scale, so I kept the calories pretty far under my goal. I'm so scared I won't break even this week and be where I was at last Friday's weigh in. If I show a gain I'm just going to be heartbroken and disgusted with myself. Let's all pray for the best!!

This wasn't treadmill day, so I did 100 ab crunches, 10 lower ab leg lifts, and 25 arm exercises. Nothing amazing, but I'm keeping up with my promise to myself to try and do something each day inbetween treadmill days.

I want to say a quick welcome to my newest follower Sean. Thanks for signing up. I've been reading your blog today and will continue to. Your progress has been absolutely mind-blowing and the epitome of inspiration. I encourage anyone who reads my blog to check out Sean's: http://www.losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/. I've got 3 or 4 new blogs that I'm following that I need to add to my blogroll. I'm hoping to either get that done tonight or tomorrow. Sean's will be one of them. :)

Goal Stats:

Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 990
Carbs 62
Fat 41
Protein 101

Here's my food intake for the day:

Homemade turkey sausage (4 oz.)
1 whole egg, 1 egg white (accidentally dropped the yolk in the pan)
sauteed onions and mushrooms
2 c. decaf swiss almond mocha coffee w/ sugar-free creamer

Spicy & creamy Zucchini Soup (from Pam's food blog...totally awesome!) 2 cups

Aidells sun-dried tomato chicken/turkey sausage (FANTASTIC!!!) 2 of them
Arnold's whole wheat sandwich thin (wrapped one half around ea. sausage w/ lite mayo, ketchup and diced onions)

2 oz. baked chicken
2 c. decaf swiss almond mocha coffee w/ sugar-free creamer
1 protein water
32 oz. water
NO TEA....NO COKE.....and NO CHINESE!! GO (skinny) TAMMY!!

Quote For The Day:

"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." -Epictetus