Practicing Normal

My emotions are all over the place tonight after trying to catch up on some blog reading.  I always read Jack Sh*t's first on Sunday, because it's his weigh-in day.  He put away the scale last weekend and decided to just concentrate on strength training, which causes the scale to go screwy.  Strength training always makes you more hungry, and he's got a bit of internal struggle going on with wondering if he's eating too much, and trying not to.  It was a good reminder that no matter how far you've come with your weight loss, there is still a struggle involved to get those numbers where you want them, and to keep them there.  I'm so far away from putting the scale away and learning to trust myself.  I'm really rooting for Jack as he works on his strength training and continues to work for his goals.

Then I read Zaababy's post.  Immediate tears.  She lost enough weight a couple of weeks ago to give blood for the first time in her life....something she always wanted to do.  It was an exubertant post, as all of hers are.  Tonight's post was a lot more sobering.  Due to giving blood, she got a letter in the mail stating she has Hepatitus C and has to have a liver biopsy.  She googled Hep-C and found out all kinds of scary, horrible, possible things it could lead to.  She needs our prayers and I hope you will give them to her. 

Then I read Jenn's post at Watch My Butt Shrink.  Her blog has changed to Watch My Bump Grow, because she just found out she's pregnant!  She's thrilled and I'm thrilled for her...but she's also concerned about her weight not going too high with this new pregnancy.  She struggles just like a lot of us, and now she's got to be extra careful to control the desires to want to overeat, even though she's eating healthy stuff for the baby.  I understand her fears and concerns, amidst all the joy, and I'm praying that she'll find the control she's striving for.

Next I read Sean's blog, which led me over to Chubby Chick's blog at Journeying to Lose 200 Pounds....a friend of his who's also struggling right now.  A read a couple of her posts and it was like reading something I very well could have written myself.  She's asking, "Why can't I just be normal?"  Ha!  Why can't we all, girlfriend?!  I KNOW that question all to well.  I struggle with it all the time.  ALL THE TIME.  She was saying how she's either totally on track, or totally off track....there's no middle ground.  She just wants to be a normal eater.  I know that struggle like the back of my hand.

I decided it was time to stop the blog reading and just come over here and do my own post for the night.  I discovered something this weekend in the way of normalcy.  I think if we keep TRYING, that eventually, we'll get it.  Maybe it's like building a good habit.....it just takes WAY longer than we think it should take.  Maybe it takes longer because we've had food issues for 20-30+ years....and it takes a hell of a long time to train yourself to do something you've, quite frankly, just never done.  Eating normally. 

Pizza is something I haven't had since I started blogging last June....so..about 9 months?  I've WANTED pizza...Mellow Mushroom, in particular, but I haven't had any.  The reason is because I don't know how to eat pizza like a normal person.  I would eat at least half of it in one sitting, another couple of slices cold the next morning for breakfast (which, by the way, is the best breakfast EVER), and finish the last couple of pieces for lunch that day.  The calories would be off the map, so I haven't even gone there. 

I was finally confronted by pizza TWICE this weekend, and I think I actually acted like a NORMAL person in both situations.  I'm still a little shocked at myself....but I've been dwelling on this "normal" eating thing for so long, that maybe something's finally starting to kick in.  Saturday was one of my niece's 5th birthday party, and they had it at CiCi's Pizza.  I will admit that it helps that I've always hated their cardboard crap "pizza".  But I still can't think of a single time that I've been to an all-you-can-eat place, be it pizza or otherwise, and not had a single bite of food.  I went to the party....sat around and visited family, sipped on a Coke (didn't even drink half of it)....and just didn't eat.  I just didn't.  I watched her open her gifts, and then they cut the cake.  And I didn't eat a single bite of cake either.  I LOVE the cakes from the Publix bakery....it's the only place I'll order a birthday cake from.  They're fantastic.  But I just chose not to have any, the same way I chose not to have any pizza.  Whadda' ya' know???  You don't HAVE to eat the food just because it's sitting there.  What a foreign concept, lol. 

When I left the party, I went next door to Larry's Subs and got a 12" ham and turkey sub on wheat bread with lettuce and tomato, fat-free mayo & mustard.  I took it home and split it with Dwayne and ate my half....under 400 calories, and drank a glass of water with it.  Normal.  Hmmm...I'll have to keep practicing this!

Today...Sunday...I went over to my roommate Shane's parents house to help them do some cleaning and organzing.  Shane, Billie, her son Brandon and I were all over there working and cleaning for a few hours (after we went to the gym, of course)....and Shane's parents ended up ordering pizza for us as a "thank you".  Crap.  More pizza....and this time it was Pizza Hut.  Deep dish.  Supreme.  Two of them.  Uh oh.

We all sat down to the table to eat.  Keep in mind that Billie and I are gym partners, lol.  I had absolutely no idea how many calories were in one piece because I've never bothered to look it up.  I looked at her and said, "What do you think?  About 500 cals a piece?  It IS deep dish, ya know."  She was like, 500 calories???!!!  For one piece???!!! lol 

I ate one piece and I stopped.  Of course, I was still hungry.  But I just didn't know how many calories were in it, and I didn't think it was worth blowing the whole day over.  So I just ate one piece and quit.  Period.  Like a normal person.  Holy crap this could become a habit, lol. 

So I just wanted to offer some hope tonight.  I really think if we keep practicing this "acting as if" business, that eventually if WILL become a habit, and we will progress, and eventually we WILL learn how to be normal in the realm of eating.  It's definitely a foreign concept, and it definitely goes against everything I'm used to.  But it's something I yearn for....something I desperately want.  I know a lot of us do.  So let's keep trying, my friends.  Let's keep striving for our goals and one day we'll get there.  It will take some effort, but that's okay.  I've met some of the most determined, goal-driven people of my life right here in Blogland.  We've all got it in us to do it.  We may not win every battle....but we WILL win the war.  :)

Thank You Jesus!!!!

The scale says 244.0 this morning. I lost 6 lbs.!!!!!!!!!! I'm giving all the praise to God. He is the one I draw my strength from on my travels. He is the reason I was able to stay on the straight and narrow this week and move myself and my weight loss to the TOP of the priority list.

Thanks also to all of YOU for the wonderfully supportive comments that keep my spirits up and spur me on when I'm feeling overwhelmed. The constant support, encouragement and comraderie is immeasurable and it makes this journey so much more pleasant than going it alone. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone.

I just finished my breakfast casserole. It was only 176 calories so I'm off to a good start. Dwayne isn't here yet so I'm fixing to strap on my tennis shoes and go rock it out on the treadmill!! Hopefully I'll be back later tonight if I'm not wore slap out with an update on how a whole day of eating with Dwayne went. Pray for me, lol.

Quote For The Day:

"I can do all things through Christ Jesus which strengtheneth me." -Phillippians 4:13

Weight Loss Surgery

I'm afraid this is going to be a nasty post, lol. If there were ever a controversial topic to blog about, this is IT! I'm a very opinionated person, as I think we ALL have the right to be, so I have avoided writing about this topic thus far so as not to unintentionally offend anyone with my personal opinions.

However, I watched a show on Discovery Health last night called Big Medicine. I had skimmed over an episode once before but never took the time to watch an entire episode. Last night I did. I've been thinking about weight loss surgery ALL DAY now and so it's time to get my thoughts out and "down on paper", so to speak, and move on.

I think that a lot of us fatties have considered this as an option at one point or another. I know I certainly did. I've personally met 7 different people who have had the surgery over the last few years and have heard the horror and success stories. I will say that 6 out of the 7 people, despite all the problems that followed the surgery, say that they would do it again and do not regret it. Only 1 of those people told me if they had it to do over, knowing what they know now, they would have skipped the surgery and lost the weight on their own.

The time that I really, truly considered it for myself was a couple of years ago...maybe not even that long. It was right after a dr's visit, where I was told that if I didn't get serious about getting this weight off, and fast, that I very likely would not make it through my 40's. In other words, I had only a very few short years to live. My parents were going to have to bury me.

My doctor told me that having the diabetes, the high blood pressure, the high cholesterol was all taking a toll on my body. She told me she knew it was hard for me to believe because, outside of being tired all the time, I pretty much felt okay. I didn't really feel like I was falling apart. I couldn't see the results of it on the outside of my body. But she informed me that all of these illnesses were wreaking havoc on my insides...the part I can't see...and that I would just have to believe her that I didn't have much longer to live. I believed her. I was reduced to tears in front of her. It was a very sobering experience.

Thinking that after being fat for about 25 years, I OBVIOUSLY didn't have what it takes to get rid of the weight on my own. Maybe it was time to enlist some help...simply for the sake of not dying an early death. I asked a few friends for their opinion. Most of them refused to offer their own personal opinons due to it being such a personal decision. And God knows, if anything went bad wrong, they didn't want it on their conscience. I can understand that. I asked my roommate and best guy friend Shane. He didn't like the idea. I asked my boyfriend Dwayne (had been dating 3-3 1/2 yrs at this point)...and he hated the idea.

In fact, he hated it so much, he did something he's never done. He told me a story about a girl he dated in the past. We've never discussed previous gf/bf with each other because we both believe that things that are in the past should stay there. However, on this particular subject, he felt the need to share. He first gave me all the health reasons...the dangers of surgery, the digestive problems afterwards, etc, etc. Then he told me about the outward physical aspect after you drop a ton of weight too fast.

The girl he dated for a "very short time", and I'm guessing this is why, had the surgery and dropped 80 lbs VERY quickly, all of this before she met Dwayne. They started dating and the time for them to get naked came. You should have seen the look on his face while he was trying to describe her body to me w/o getting downright crude about ex-girlfriends. He was wincing like he was in pain, slowly shaking his head side to side, like he was saying "no", speaking with total disgust in his voice.

He said that the amount of excess loose skin that is left over after dropping such a dramatic amount of weight in such a short period of time (I think it was 3 months) is unbelievable. He said it wasn't just on her stomach, it was all over....the butt, the chest, the arms, the legs, and even her back. He said seeing that was enough to tell me not to do the surgery, even if I didn't pay attention to the other, more important risk factors.

Naturally, while I'm listening to all of this and trying to keep an even look on my face, I am secretly thinking about my OWN loose skin that I'll have to deal with, with or without the surgery. I already have loose fat...I've never had that tight, firm fat like some people. My arms already look like bat wings. So, do you think I'll ever forget the look on his face and the disgust in his voice while he was describing this to me? I don't think so. That is something that will have to be dealt with at a later time when the other 70 lbs. I have to lose comes off. I'm not looking forward to facing those issues.

Back to the surgery.....Dwayne's opinions weren't good enough. I needed to talk to someone really smart. Someone who would give me a non-emotional, unbiased opinion. It finally dawned on me....I needed to call my hero. I've only ever had, and will only ever have, one hero in my lifetime, and I needed his opinion. I called my Dad.

Dad said don't do it. He gave me the list of reasons, all of them made perfect sense to me, and I knew I could fully trust in his opinion. I didn't necessarily feel like I could do it on my own, and I cried while telling him this. That didn't change his opinion. He gave me some words of comfort and some words of encouragement, but even through my tears, his opinion on the surgery remained the same. And I knew that if Dad says don't do something, I better not do it. And that's where my contemplation over having surgery ended.

I know tons of people say it's the easy way out...that you're cheating because they just do a bypass or strap on a lap band, and the weight just falls off in gobs. This isn't the reason I disagree with the surgery. I don't think it's an easy decision. I know for a fact that things get REALLY bad afterwards...with gas problems, digestive issues, and God forbid you actually keep your old habits and OVEREAT....I've heard some tell me that death would be better than the sickness and pain you experience with overeating. It makes me shudder thinking about the horror stories that have been told to me from people who have experienced them.

However, I do think the surgery is giving up on yourself. It really confuses me, and here's why. For anyone who's researched this, you know that there's a long process to go through before you can even have it done. You have to do all sorts of reading and research and take classes and learn about nutrition, and ALL of the options first. Then in most cases, the doctor requires you to lose a certain amount of weight before he/she will even approve you to have the surgery. On the show I watched last night he told one girl to lose 30 lbs. Well, she busted her butt and lost 40-45 before she went back to see him. ???

She had the surgery, and after she had healed enough, she started counting calories and got a membership to Bally Total Fitness and has a personal trainer pushing her to the max on exercise. ??? This is the main reason for my confusion.

First of all....the girl lost MORE weight than the doctor even required her to, PROVING that she CAN do it on her own through watching her calories and exercising! And after the surgery, she was really ROCKING IT with the calories and exercise ALL ON HER OWN.

Is anyone else wondering what I am? Am I the only one that is having a total "DUH" moment here? I really do not understand why you would have the surgery if you have to do the EXACT same things as you would do to lose it naturally? Especially on the front end. She lost 40-45 lbs on her own! Good Lord...the 6 lbs I lost on my very first week, 9 weeks ago, was enough to make me want to keep going....and she lost that much, proving she has it in her to do it, and still wants to have the surgery??? WHY??? I just don't get it. I just don't.

Maybe someone reading this would be kind of enough to educate me on this if you're pro-surgery. I'm always willing to listen to other's opinions, whether they differ from mine or not. And there should always be room in your life for learning new things. I really want to know the method behind the madness. Because to me, it's just looking like madness.

If anyone is reading this and in the midst of weighing their options, let me send out a plea not to have the surgery. It's just my opinion, but I believe we ALL have it in us to do it the natural way. Is it hard? Sure it is. Is surgery and the aftermath hard? You betcha. But I still think the natural way is the lesser hard.

If you're considering the surgery, then you already have the desire to be rid of the weight. All you need now is the decision to do it and the belief in yourself that you can. I believe you can. I know you can. And I will be right here to support anyone and everyone that wants to follow the natural road to weight loss and good health. We can do it together...you are not alone in your travels. There are plenty of us in Blogland that are going the natural route and I invite you to join us. I'm here to support you and encourage you all the way to the finish line. :)

Quote For The Day:

"To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first." -Shakespeare

Lovely Ladies

I finally got the calories back under control today...thank God! I took a break from the treadmill to rest the joints and back for a day....back at it full force tomorrow. Mom is coming over tomorrow morning with her van to help me take a load of stuff up to the new house. It is absolutely amazing to me how much crap you can squeeze into a 2 bedroom apartment. Amazing.

I want to tell you about two blogs that I have been following recently. Maybe you've seen them, but I'm guessing not, as neither one of these lovely ladies have hardly any followers on their blogs yet. That needs to change. :)

Michelle has a blog called My Journey to Onederland and she and I have exchanged a few emails. I love this woman. I can feel the grit in her writing. She really wants to get it right this time....she wants this to be the LAST time...just as we all do.

In fact, she's got a camping trip coming up very soon with her best friend. These little trips are usually filled with bad, bad eating so she's been a little nervous. She finally just told her friend that she will be bringing her own food to try and stay on plan. She has begun counting calories and gives herself a daily limit of 1500. Her friend asked her can't she just let loose this weekend? Most people would cave at that point. Not Michelle. She very plainly told her friend that no, she can't let loose. She is proving that her quest to lose the weight is THE most important thing in her life now and I applaud her for standing up for herself.

Then there's Lisa that I recently found. She very recently started her own blog called Struggles With Losing Weight. I haven't exchanged any emails with her yet, so I don't know a whole lot about her, but I have been following her blog for a few weeks now and leaving comments. I can see her desire too. She is a member of TOPS and seems to enjoy that, and she's had some success in her weight loss. I'm very proud of her.

I feel like Lisa and Michelle would benefit greatly from a few more followers on their blog to pop in and leave their words of encouragement and support. We all know how much we love comments when we receive them, don't we? Sean has already signed up on both their blogs and is already offering his insight and inspiration....thank you so much Sean!! Now...for the rest of you....Pam!! Diane!! Kari!! Sheilagh!! Rebecca!! Carla!! Amy!! Both Amy's!! I mean all 3 Amy's!! (I'm talking to YOU Amos, lol.) I won't list all of you, but you get the point. :)

I've got a little laundry left to do before I turn in, so I'll say goodnight. Oh by the way, Michelle gave me the quote that I'm using tonight. She said it's her favorite one and it comes from the Navy Seals. She's Canadian, but loves our Seals!! How cool. :) I love this quote so much and it ties in with the one I gave you yesterday....Pain is just weakness leaving the body. BRING IT!!!

Quote For The Day:

"The only easy day was yesterday!" -Navy Seals