A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Practicing Normal

My emotions are all over the place tonight after trying to catch up on some blog reading.  I always read Jack Sh*t's first on Sunday, because it's his weigh-in day.  He put away the scale last weekend and decided to just concentrate on strength training, which causes the scale to go screwy.  Strength training always makes you more hungry, and he's got a bit of internal struggle going on with wondering if he's eating too much, and trying not to.  It was a good reminder that no matter how far you've come with your weight loss, there is still a struggle involved to get those numbers where you want them, and to keep them there.  I'm so far away from putting the scale away and learning to trust myself.  I'm really rooting for Jack as he works on his strength training and continues to work for his goals.

Then I read Zaababy's post.  Immediate tears.  She lost enough weight a couple of weeks ago to give blood for the first time in her life....something she always wanted to do.  It was an exubertant post, as all of hers are.  Tonight's post was a lot more sobering.  Due to giving blood, she got a letter in the mail stating she has Hepatitus C and has to have a liver biopsy.  She googled Hep-C and found out all kinds of scary, horrible, possible things it could lead to.  She needs our prayers and I hope you will give them to her. 

Then I read Jenn's post at Watch My Butt Shrink.  Her blog has changed to Watch My Bump Grow, because she just found out she's pregnant!  She's thrilled and I'm thrilled for her...but she's also concerned about her weight not going too high with this new pregnancy.  She struggles just like a lot of us, and now she's got to be extra careful to control the desires to want to overeat, even though she's eating healthy stuff for the baby.  I understand her fears and concerns, amidst all the joy, and I'm praying that she'll find the control she's striving for.

Next I read Sean's blog, which led me over to Chubby Chick's blog at Journeying to Lose 200 Pounds....a friend of his who's also struggling right now.  A read a couple of her posts and it was like reading something I very well could have written myself.  She's asking, "Why can't I just be normal?"  Ha!  Why can't we all, girlfriend?!  I KNOW that question all to well.  I struggle with it all the time.  ALL THE TIME.  She was saying how she's either totally on track, or totally off track....there's no middle ground.  She just wants to be a normal eater.  I know that struggle like the back of my hand.

I decided it was time to stop the blog reading and just come over here and do my own post for the night.  I discovered something this weekend in the way of normalcy.  I think if we keep TRYING, that eventually, we'll get it.  Maybe it's like building a good habit.....it just takes WAY longer than we think it should take.  Maybe it takes longer because we've had food issues for 20-30+ years....and it takes a hell of a long time to train yourself to do something you've, quite frankly, just never done.  Eating normally. 

Pizza is something I haven't had since I started blogging last June....so..about 9 months?  I've WANTED pizza...Mellow Mushroom, in particular, but I haven't had any.  The reason is because I don't know how to eat pizza like a normal person.  I would eat at least half of it in one sitting, another couple of slices cold the next morning for breakfast (which, by the way, is the best breakfast EVER), and finish the last couple of pieces for lunch that day.  The calories would be off the map, so I haven't even gone there. 

I was finally confronted by pizza TWICE this weekend, and I think I actually acted like a NORMAL person in both situations.  I'm still a little shocked at myself....but I've been dwelling on this "normal" eating thing for so long, that maybe something's finally starting to kick in.  Saturday was one of my niece's 5th birthday party, and they had it at CiCi's Pizza.  I will admit that it helps that I've always hated their cardboard crap "pizza".  But I still can't think of a single time that I've been to an all-you-can-eat place, be it pizza or otherwise, and not had a single bite of food.  I went to the party....sat around and visited family, sipped on a Coke (didn't even drink half of it)....and just didn't eat.  I just didn't.  I watched her open her gifts, and then they cut the cake.  And I didn't eat a single bite of cake either.  I LOVE the cakes from the Publix bakery....it's the only place I'll order a birthday cake from.  They're fantastic.  But I just chose not to have any, the same way I chose not to have any pizza.  Whadda' ya' know???  You don't HAVE to eat the food just because it's sitting there.  What a foreign concept, lol. 

When I left the party, I went next door to Larry's Subs and got a 12" ham and turkey sub on wheat bread with lettuce and tomato, fat-free mayo & mustard.  I took it home and split it with Dwayne and ate my half....under 400 calories, and drank a glass of water with it.  Normal.  Hmmm...I'll have to keep practicing this!

Today...Sunday...I went over to my roommate Shane's parents house to help them do some cleaning and organzing.  Shane, Billie, her son Brandon and I were all over there working and cleaning for a few hours (after we went to the gym, of course)....and Shane's parents ended up ordering pizza for us as a "thank you".  Crap.  More pizza....and this time it was Pizza Hut.  Deep dish.  Supreme.  Two of them.  Uh oh.

We all sat down to the table to eat.  Keep in mind that Billie and I are gym partners, lol.  I had absolutely no idea how many calories were in one piece because I've never bothered to look it up.  I looked at her and said, "What do you think?  About 500 cals a piece?  It IS deep dish, ya know."  She was like, 500 calories???!!!  For one piece???!!! lol 

I ate one piece and I stopped.  Of course, I was still hungry.  But I just didn't know how many calories were in it, and I didn't think it was worth blowing the whole day over.  So I just ate one piece and quit.  Period.  Like a normal person.  Holy crap this could become a habit, lol. 

So I just wanted to offer some hope tonight.  I really think if we keep practicing this "acting as if" business, that eventually if WILL become a habit, and we will progress, and eventually we WILL learn how to be normal in the realm of eating.  It's definitely a foreign concept, and it definitely goes against everything I'm used to.  But it's something I yearn for....something I desperately want.  I know a lot of us do.  So let's keep trying, my friends.  Let's keep striving for our goals and one day we'll get there.  It will take some effort, but that's okay.  I've met some of the most determined, goal-driven people of my life right here in Blogland.  We've all got it in us to do it.  We may not win every battle....but we WILL win the war.  :)

16 comments:

  1. I'm with you, girl. My post tomorrow is about this very thing - persistence. Keep trying, you'll get there!
    Thanks for the shout out!

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  2. Talking about a massive victory for you Tammy!!!

    I honestly don't know how I would have done with the buffet. Frick, I couldn't handle a soup/salad bar this past week.

    Pizza is one of my triggers. I only survived having one slice of pizza recently because the place sold it by the slice.

    You did fabulous!

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  3. i enjoyed your post! i will have to check our the bloggers u mentioned bc other than jenn, i'm not following any of them. i really really understand the "normal" thing also! congrats on your self control & discipline. that is awesome. i still have to go thru extremes - i can't order a whole pizza...i have to go to pizzeria's that sell by the piece! lol.

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  4. Good for you one eating the piece of pizza. I get a slice and a salad for lunch sometimes, and I've adapted for the most part, even though pizza does always leave you wanting more of course.

    As for the kick-as& jeans, I don't know if I'll ever post a pic of myself here in blogworld, but I'll at least post a pic of the jeans!

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  5. OMW Tammy!! This is sooo great! And you write about these amazing feats of restraint kinda casually...like, 'yeah, I did it'. haha This is fan freakin' tastic, girl!!! I'm so proud of you....

    Keep it up!! Great job!!!

    I made a food item tonight that is usually a problem-0 for me. I am going to bed with success, hope I can be good tomorrow too. Plan to give some away, but my point is, I think the more we can reel in the binges on those trigger foods, the less they will be considered a monster or big trigger to us. I hope so anyway. So I'd say we both scored a point or 2 recently!! Beating the trigger foods! Usually I just avoid some of them, [as in not making them] but I guess sooner or later on our journey we need to face them, eh? SOOO proud that you faced them successfully!! Hugs!

    **oh, and ps--I specifically don't mention my food item bc this is a blog about losing weight, and I know sometimes when *I* read about a delicious item on ppls blogs, then I start to really want it. So I am trying to be thoughtful! haha Chrissy

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  6. What a great insightful post, thanks so much for sharing. My normal is changing everyday...and I'm LOVING it!

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  7. Very nice post my friend. I'm honored to be one of your must read blogs---you're on my list too!
    Great job on the self-control. By the way, 500 may be a little high for that Pizza Hut pan pizza...but 350-430---i think is about right...I'd have to go look again. It's on their website. The thin is the way to go calorie wise. I haven't touched a deep dish or pan pizza since starting...it's just a calorie value issue. I can sometimes have two thin instead of one thick---I'll take two!
    "acting as if" is important...and we learn along the way. You're learning that you have a strong self control that you didn't realize you had. You're gonna win Tammy. It makes me so happy to be along for the ride!

    My best always
    Sean

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  8. i loved you post about all the other bloggers - they give us such inspiration - way to go with just one piece - if we can all master that - just one piece of chocolate, one piece of pizza, one....

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  9. That is a great job. When I got into july of this year, I had to attend about a zillion parties with crap food galore.
    I would pretend I was Jillian micheals.
    I ended up saying things like, oh no thank you, I don't drink calories...or no thank you, I don't eat processed flour.
    lol.
    I was a real tool.
    It saved my sanity.

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  10. You did great, Tammy! That was definitely some normal, sensible eating that you displayed in both those situations. It's true that the more we do something, the more it becomes a habit.

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  11. Wow great job with the pizza! Pizza is the one thing I haven't really gotten a handle on yet. One day I know I'll make it but pizza is a hard one for me right now. You did awesome. I'm so proud of you!!

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  12. I looked up the stats and you over shot the calories...

    Supreme

    calories-380
    calories from fat-160
    total fat-17
    saturated fat-8
    trans fat-0
    cholest-40
    sodium-970
    carbs-39
    Dietary fiber-3
    sugars-5
    protein-16

    Not too bad I guess. Im not really counting cals right now though, just tryin to only eat when Im actually hungry instead of when Im bored or stressed or any of that crap.

    Good News: I have an interview tomorrow(Tuesday) at a Marketing Firm in Atlanta.. Very excited!

    Talk to ya later girl!

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  13. Great post, and good advice! I think if we're persistent, it will eventually come to us, and get easier!

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  14. Yep, its all about the bread, the less there is, the fewer calories the pizza has.

    But -- AM I PROUD OF YOU! What an epiphany you had this weekend about food...isn't it great???
    You are so close to winning this war, Tammy, and I love you for it!

    XOXO

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  15. A very inspiring post. It's true; we will get ahead on this game if we just don't give up.

    Great job by the way on wise choices with the pizza situations.

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  16. Proud of you!!! Great job on finding some normalacy and getting to this point in the journey!!!

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