Skinny Tammy Is Back!!!

I have great news everyone! The bingeing fog has lifted and I'm back in the game!! You're not going to believe what pulled me out of it. I watched The Biggest Loser tonight and it gave me the shove I needed. Yes, yes, I know...I trashed this show to death last Tuesday. However, I did say that I was sure the longer I watched it, the more I'd warm up to it. I just had no idea it would happen on the 2nd week!! But it did, and I'm so, so glad. I have Pam to thank for this....she asked me to watch the show with her this season, because it's been such an inspiration to her.

I will say that I still hate their outfits...that doesn't change. But if you watched tonight, then you noticed that there wasn't the same degrading yelling and screaming in the gym this time. That was very refreshing....and also proved my point from last week....you CAN motivate people to reach their goals WITHOUT screaming and cussing at them. Also, there was a segment where Jillian was talking with half the group about nutrition, etc. She actually seemed human....almost like she really CARED. Totally different from last week. That, too, was refreshing. It completely changed the tone of the show this week, and I was able to enjoy it, learn from it, and be inspired by it.

Bob was talking to Shay about why she was there. Her mom was a heroine addict and died from it. Shay has a LOT of emotional issues....she weighs over 400 lbs. She made a statement in talking to Bob where she said, "A lot of these pounds are wounds". Oh my goodness do I know what she's talking about. It put me in mind of one of my very first posts entitled "Healing Old Wounds". Here's an excerpt from that post:

" I am hoping that with each pound I leave behind it will act as a little dab of salve on the wounds that have been gaping open for so long. I want to heal. I want to be truly happy with myself for the first time. I want to love me."

I know that some people will say that you have to love yourself now....that you deserve to be happy now, just the way you are....that the number on the scale doesn't define who you are as a person, etc. I'm probably fixing to piss all of those people off with my next statement, lol.

Some of us fat people just don't feel that way. It can make sense in our minds...it can sound all warm and fuzzy...and we can even realize other good traits/characteristics about ourselves. But that doesn't mean that we know how to fully embrace the whole "love yourself NOW" concept. For some of us, these pounds ARE wounds....and for some of us, we do feel undeserving. We don't have to have a good reason for feeling that way, we just feel that way.

For some of us, we feel like getting this weight off and keeping it off will cause those wounds to close and finally start to heal. There will be scars left....reminders of what we went through and the terrible way we dealt with it...or didn't deal with it. The horribly abusive way we treated our bodies. But I'm hoping those scars will remind us to never go back the way we came. At least that's my prayer.

I know that for some of us, the weight is just a "surface problem".....you say that you just love food and you eat too much of it...a simple problem of needing to learn some self-control (although I think the # of people that it's that simplistic for is not very high). But for others, the reasons you got THIS fat go far, far deeper than just needing to learn self-control and correct portion sizes. Way deeper. For those people, and I am in this group, the mental/emotional work that needs to be done and the changes that need to be made are what's most important in these travels. That's the real issue here. The pounds falling off are just a result of working out the reasons you became obese in the first place. Yes, eating less and moving more cause you to drop the pounds. But learning how to reverse 20 year habits, thought processes, and developing new coping mechanisms are what's going to KEEP the weight off for me. It's what's going to keep me from going backwards.

Isn't that what we all want? To make this the last time that we ever have to lose the weight? To know that we will succeed, and then succeed at maintenance because of the things we learned and the work we did along the way? Who wants to be the blogger that has to post about a 50 lb. climb back up the scale, if they're still interested in accountability? Not me. That's for damn sure. It's not gonna' be me. I won't let it happen.

I slipped. Okay, I did more than slip. I took a friggin' head dive off the wagon. And boy do I have a nasty bump on my head. It hurts like heck, and I have a feeling it's going to hurt again when I step on the scale this Friday morning. I'll pay the piper, and then I'll laugh in his face on the next Friday's weigh-in. I re-visited my old way of life, and there are no words to accurately describe to you how depressing it was.

Here's what I learned. That's not me anymore. I'm tired of the stupid eating. I'm tired of the lack of control. I'm tired of not walking in the last 4 days. I'm disgusted with the bad eating. You wanna' know the crazy thing about the crappy eating these last few days? I didn't even enjoy any of it. Isn't that crazy??? I ate some of the same things that I used to eat before I started learning to eat healthier, and they just don't taste the same. Same stuff, totally different taste. How weird is that? Here's the other thing. They used to comfort and satisfy me. I haven't felt any comfort or any satisfaction in the last few days. I've felt miserable....I was going backwards and I hated it.

I can't believe I'm going to say this but I miss 166 calorie breakfast casserole. I miss cantaloupe and cottage cheese. I miss 87 calorie a cup chicken soup. I miss turkey burgers. I miss 32 oz. glasses of water. I miss a sweat-soaked shirt after a long, hard walk. I miss the pride I feel when I progress how far I'm walking from one week to the next. I miss scouring my low cal/low fat recipe books for yummy, healthy recipes. I miss being able to look in the mirror in the morning and smile back at myself...instead of having to look away from shame. I miss laying my head down on the pillow at night, and thinking back on all the great choices I made that day, and the restraint I exercised, instead of laying there in misery in a carb-filled fog.

It's time to get back to the things I miss. I'm the only one keeping myself from it. The only one standing in my way is Fat Tammy and even as I type this, I'm plotting her demise, lol. Her days are numbered. All the comments I received from my last post were just beyond awesome. I hope you guys know that I care just as much about you and the work you're trying to do, as you do about me and my crazy travels. I was feeling like a ship on a stormy sea that lost all of it's bearings and had been blown off course. You guys are my lighthouse. Along with the inspiration I drew from the show tonight, your kind comments and the private emails I received guided me back on course. You didn't leave me....your light shone bright....and you waited for me to take hold of the wheel again. Well I'll have you know that as soon as I finish typing this post, I'm super-glueing both hands to that wheel.

I'm very excited to do my post tomorrow night so I can report how many miles I walked at the park. I know how bad it's going to hurt...."pain is just weakness leaving the body"....I'm expecting to fully feel every ounce of weakness that I purge from this big, fat, lazy body. I'm going to pay for my sins from these last 5 days. I managed to walk 3.5 miles last Friday, but not one step since then. That's okay. When I get done, I get to enjoy the sticky feel of my sweaty shirt clinging to my fat rolls, and the aroma of smelling like hot garbage on my drive home to a welcoming shower. I'm looking forward to the feel and smell of a successful day. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Failure? I've never encountered it.......only temporary setbacks." -Bill Marriott, Marriott Hotels

I Won An Award Today...TWICE!!

I'm so excited! I won 2 lovely blog awards today, given to me by 2 great ladies. The first one I received this morning was from Brittany @ Me vs. The Buffet. I can tell you right now that anyone who has the word "buffet" in their title is going to be a good friend o' mine, lol, I can already tell. The second award I found out about from checking in at Michelle's blog @ My Journey to Onderland. It was written in her post today as well. Both of them are listed on my blogroll and I want to say a big THANK YOU for thinking of me. I'm glad you're enjoying my blog. That makes me smile. :) The next thing is for SOMEONE out there to tell me how to get the pretty little award posted on the sidebar of my blog...I see them on other people's blog but don't know how they get them up there. Someone please tell me. :)

WOW....every single comment that I got from my post last night was just fabulous. I'd encourage all of you to go back and read them. A couple of the ladies...Melanie and Michelle....work in hospitals, Melanie being a nurse. They have seen firsthand the people that have opted for the surgery and the aftermath that follows. And I really hate hearing about the people that do it and then gain the weight back. Really sad stuff. Of course you can gain it back from losing it the natural way as well....but I feel worse for the ones that do it after surgery. After what they thought was their life-changing solution, once and for all. They thought the surgery would FORCE them into losing the weight and keeping it off and it's becoming more and more evident to me that it just isn't always the case. And after you've put your body through that hell, altered your insides, suffered all the ensuing complications afterwards, and spent all that money....it's just terrible.

One of the things I forgot to mention in my post last night was the people who had already had the surgery, dropped a bunch of weight, and now had some SERIOUS loose skin issues. It was horrifying to look at (because I'm afraid I'll be faced with the same thing) and the actual surgery to do it that they show you on TV is not for people with weak stomachs. I was watching through my fingers with my hand over my face. They cut you open, hang up the top part of your floppy stomach with metal clamps, and then go to cutting.

One lady had 13 lbs of loose skin cut off her stomach and pubic region, and another 4 lbs cut off of her backside in the hip area above your bottom. They showed her at a follow up visit 3 months later and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that woman's lower body looked like a patchwork quilt. The scars were so, so bad. They wrapped around her whole body from front to back. It was quite disturbing. I'm seriously thinking about learning to live with my excess skin, no matter how bad it is. I'm going to have to work on that. It will be hard to look at on a daily basis, but I'm thinking those hideous scars would be even harder to look at. Just so drastic.

I've really been kicking butt this week with the calorie counting and the treadmill. I BETTER see 2 lbs gone by Friday....I think I'll just collapse on the scale if I don't...I have been working HARD. I've been on that dang treadmill every day....increasing my distance and speed a little more each day. I can't even describe the aching and soreness that I have each day...but I still manage to get down there and do it. I keep running that great quote through my head that I found on Amy H's blog @ No To The Deuce...."Pain is just weakness leaving the body." It's really working for me....that is my exercise mantra now. I'm loving it and using it every day. So thank you Amy...it was just what I needed. Yesterday I did 2.6 miles in 37 mins. This morning I did 2.75 miles in 40 minutes. Hooray for progress!!

Thank you again Brittany and Michelle for the blog awards. My blog is only 9 weeks old, I'm still pretty new at this stuff, so that makes it even more special to me. :)

Quote For The Day:

"People sometimes attribute my success to my genius; all the genius I know anything about is hard work." -Alexander Hamilton

Lovely Ladies

I finally got the calories back under control today...thank God! I took a break from the treadmill to rest the joints and back for a day....back at it full force tomorrow. Mom is coming over tomorrow morning with her van to help me take a load of stuff up to the new house. It is absolutely amazing to me how much crap you can squeeze into a 2 bedroom apartment. Amazing.

I want to tell you about two blogs that I have been following recently. Maybe you've seen them, but I'm guessing not, as neither one of these lovely ladies have hardly any followers on their blogs yet. That needs to change. :)

Michelle has a blog called My Journey to Onederland and she and I have exchanged a few emails. I love this woman. I can feel the grit in her writing. She really wants to get it right this time....she wants this to be the LAST time...just as we all do.

In fact, she's got a camping trip coming up very soon with her best friend. These little trips are usually filled with bad, bad eating so she's been a little nervous. She finally just told her friend that she will be bringing her own food to try and stay on plan. She has begun counting calories and gives herself a daily limit of 1500. Her friend asked her can't she just let loose this weekend? Most people would cave at that point. Not Michelle. She very plainly told her friend that no, she can't let loose. She is proving that her quest to lose the weight is THE most important thing in her life now and I applaud her for standing up for herself.

Then there's Lisa that I recently found. She very recently started her own blog called Struggles With Losing Weight. I haven't exchanged any emails with her yet, so I don't know a whole lot about her, but I have been following her blog for a few weeks now and leaving comments. I can see her desire too. She is a member of TOPS and seems to enjoy that, and she's had some success in her weight loss. I'm very proud of her.

I feel like Lisa and Michelle would benefit greatly from a few more followers on their blog to pop in and leave their words of encouragement and support. We all know how much we love comments when we receive them, don't we? Sean has already signed up on both their blogs and is already offering his insight and inspiration....thank you so much Sean!! Now...for the rest of you....Pam!! Diane!! Kari!! Sheilagh!! Rebecca!! Carla!! Amy!! Both Amy's!! I mean all 3 Amy's!! (I'm talking to YOU Amos, lol.) I won't list all of you, but you get the point. :)

I've got a little laundry left to do before I turn in, so I'll say goodnight. Oh by the way, Michelle gave me the quote that I'm using tonight. She said it's her favorite one and it comes from the Navy Seals. She's Canadian, but loves our Seals!! How cool. :) I love this quote so much and it ties in with the one I gave you yesterday....Pain is just weakness leaving the body. BRING IT!!!

Quote For The Day:

"The only easy day was yesterday!" -Navy Seals

I've Been Inspired!!

I think I've mentioned Amy H. before at "No To The Deuce" listed on my blogroll, but I have such a terrific reason to mention her again that I'm making this whole post about what I read in her post tonight!!

She just got back from a family weekend at Cripple Creek. While there, she enjoyed a parade that involved some military troops. On one of the awesome soldier's shirts (I am sooooo pro-military and oozing with patriotism), she read this: "Pain is just weakness leaving the body."

Oh.....my......gosh. This is one of those inspirational sayings that has grabbed me and just won't let go. When I read it, I felt like I had been slapped right between the eyes....but a good slap!

My biggest, nagging issue with the weight loss is the exercise. More specifically, the walking I'm doing on the treadmill. As I explained tonight to Amy in a comment I left on her post, I completely suck at it. I really do. Yes, I'm pushing myself to get on it every day. But what a struggle it is. A daily struggle. The reason it's so hard to make myself do it is for one simple reason. It hurts. Even after 8 weeks of doing it steadily, it still REALLY hurts.

I've had lower back issues for years...not just because of the weight...but from actual injuries...straining it too many times from helping friend's move and lifting furniture...one time I was roller skating on the asphalt with some friends in our neighborhood as a teenager and both feet slipped out from under me at the same time and Oh! My bottom hit that asphalt so hard and I heard something pop. That's the very first injury I remember to my lower back.

Another time, several years ago, I was helping my boyfriend at the time put a post in the ground. He was doing a job for a subdivision and we were out in front of the subdivision, RIGHT BESIDE the main highway...a very busy highway. It was a 16 foot long, 6x6 wooden post. It was huge and it was heavy. I don't even know how we lifted it off the ground in the first place and got it upright and steadied but we did. I'm sure it helped that he himself was 6'7 and I'm 5'10. We were inching the post close to the hole....we were almost there...and then we lost the balance. The post was starting to fall TOWARDS TRAFFIC. In that split second I had a vision of it landing in someone's windshield of their car and killing them right in front of me.

My mind freaked, I wrapped both of my arms around that post and lifted the entire thing up off the ground BY MYSELF (the bf let go) and dropped it into the deep hole. It was adrenaline. I could never do that again in a million years.
Well....that little stunt landed me in the chiropractor's office for 5 straight weeks. Something about the sciatica nerve I think. All I know is I couldn't sit, stand, or lay down without immense pain. I had to drape myself over the loveseat, looking at the floor, to relieve the pressure and pain in my back. I would stay like that for HOURS.

Anyhoo....talk about getting off an a major tangent!! The point is....my back ALREADY hurts, before I even get on the treadmill, and it makes me dread it all the more. Of course, after the workout, my knees and legs are in pretty bad shape too. It makes me want to scream my head off every day due to the frustration of WANTING to do more, and physically just not being able to do so. The most I can do is 2.5...maybe 3 miles if I really push it...at one time.

However, when I read this quote: Pain is just weakness leaving the body....it was like I was viewing this exercise thing with "new eyes" (I lifted the eye thing from Sean's post from last night.....EXCELLENT post...go check it out!). A whole new outlook. Now, when it starts to hurt, I can smile instead of cringe. I know that it means what I'm doing is working. I know that it means the endurance WILL come eventually. I know that it means I'm getting stronger. It means I'm improving. With every step, it means I'm leaving Fat Tammy further and further behind.

Before someone tells me that if it hurts that bad, just don't do it....I've had several doctors tell me over the years that walking...specifically walking as an exercise...is one of the best, low impact exercises I can do to strengthen the muscles in my back and alleviate pain.

This new quote is my new inspiration for when I'm strapping on my tennis shoes every day. I'm going to view the pain as a good thing. I'm going to stop dreading it. I do think that after a good chunk of this weight is gone, that the pain will be much less. I think watching what I eat, and continuing with daily exercise, will lead to strengthening my whole body...my back, my legs, my knees...the whole shabang.

For the record, although my eating has been off plan for the last 3-4 days, the exercise and the water intake have been golden. I have been on that treadmill every single day without fail since Friday and I have consumed at least (3) 32 oz. glasses of water every single day. I'm trying to reign the calories back in and get my focus back on the dilligence of counting them so that I can get my groove back and start heading back down the scale. Might not have the time left this week to fix what I've already screwed up with the eating. But if I can just get my balance back this week, then next week should look a lot better. Gotta' get consistent and stay that way. :)

Have You Heard About Sean???

I'm sorry about the delay in the post, but I was waiting til Sean posted his good news so I could dedicate this post to him and the amazing milestone that he reached yesterday.....

SEAN HAS LOST 201 LBS!!!!

For any of you who haven't heard about Sean yet...especially the ones who have just recently started your blogs, he is definitely someone you want to check out. His blog is listed on my blogroll, "The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser".

He emailed me yesterday afternoon with the fantastic news. He started his journey 325 days ago, and in less than a year, he has dropped from 505 lbs. to 304 lbs. What an amazing, hard-won accomplishment!! He deserves all the praise in the world for his tenacity, perseverance and consistency in his daily Battle Against Obesity.

Sean is just a super terrific guy....full of humility and kindess and a willing desire to help others in their weight loss struggles. He's here to tell us that it IS possible...just look at HIM. His blog is a daily account of his life as he takes off the weight. He's been down in the trenches...he's done the hard work...and he's still doing it every day. Sean's ultimate goal is to get down around 230 or whatever feels right for him. He is now LESS than 100 lbs away from his goal. It's all downhill from here.

Along with my best friend Pam, who has lost about 70 lbs. herself and inspired me to start my own weight loss blog, Sean is my next biggest mentor. He is a shining example of how it's done. The mental change that he has experienced towards food is an incredible inspiration to me. He has developed total control over food. There has been no specific "diet", no magic pill...his strategy is really quite simple. "Eat less, move more". He gave himself a daily limit of 1500 calories and he walks/jogs every day for his exercise.

It wasn't easy in the beginning. Walking was nearly impossible for him due to his size. But he did it. He stuck with it and he pushed through. The endurance that he's built over these last 300+ days is just phenomenal. Recently he and has family went to a Chinese buffet to celebrate one of their daughter's birthdays. He was able to eat a 700 calorie dinner and stay within his limits for the day. I am still not able to do that. I have to avoid the buffets altogether still. I don't have that kind of restraint yet and I know it. But one day I will. I'm going to keep following Sean's example and one day I'll be enjoying the successes that he has.

Please take a moment to hop over to his blog and give him a big Congrats. He sure deserves it! And if you're a new blogger and haven't seen his blog yet...I encourage you to read through and check out his travels. He can be the same inspiration to you that he is to me.

A word to Sean.....what can I say? You rock. You're the man. My heartfelt congratulations to you for such an amazing triumph in this battle. You are so close to having total victory over Obesity and I'm blessed to have found you and had the chance to follow your story. Thank you Sean for your example, for your humility, for truly caring about others and their struggles. Thank you for emailing me with the news yesterday as soon as you found out. I'm glad we're friends and that I have the opportunity to cheer you on all the way to the finish line!

I pulled today's quote from Amy H.'s blog at "No To The Deuce" a couple of weeks ago. I really like this one. :)

Quote For The Day:

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." -Henry David Thoreau

Packing "Off" The Pounds

Today has been pretty productive. I went out and did a little dumpster diving and got some boxes for packing. I brought them back and spent about 4 hours on my feet packing up my closet and bedroom. After bending, stretching, lifting, carrying and packing, I feel like I've had an entire body workout. Today was treadmill day so I went down and did a mile. I had it in my head on the way down there that I was going to push for 2 miles. Yeah right. I feel like I'm dying at around .8 of a mile. It's an absolute struggle to make it to the mile mark before I fall off gasping for breath, sweat just a'pouring off me. I'm hoping I can further my distance soon. Please God. I noticed Pam's been keeping track of how many calories she's burning with her workouts and she has been doing AWESOME. I only pay attention to my distance and the time it takes me to do it in. Tonight I walked 1 mile at a speed of 3.4 and it took me 17 min and 30 sec. I decided to look at the calories I burned this time.........84. How pathetic is that???? I wanted to cry. I wanted to give up. I wanted to cuss that treadmill, give it a swift kick, and never get on it again. (Deep breath, Tammy).

Well I'm not going to give up. How can I expect it to ever improve if I stop? Yes, 84 stupid calories is a pathetically low number for as wore out as I feel when I get off that dang thing. But like anything else, it will get better over time. I just have to persevere and keep at it. Keep on keepin' on, as Dad would say.

Now before anybody innundates me with screaming emails about how low my calories are for the day....please don't. I didn't do it on purpose. I don't know what happened, actually. I ate 3 meals and a snack today. I stopped eating when I was full. I didn't inadvertently shove food in my mouth just for the heck of it. I paid attention every time I ate to make sure I didn't make myself miserable again, and my end calorie count for the day shocked me. Who knows? Maybe it was just a weird day for me. Maybe I'll eat 2,000 calories tomorrow....certainly wouldn't surprise me. I talked to Dwayne about lowering my calorie count and he advised me not to. He told me that if I lower them, and then have a "hungry" day and go over them, that I'll beat myself up endlessly over it and deem myself as a failure. He said I should leave the limits where they are and if I come in under the limits, then good for me! See why I love him? He knows me so well. :)

Goal Stats:

Calories 1750
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1190
Carbs 71
Fat 47
Protein 127

Here's my food intake for the day:

3 egg whites scrambled w/ can. bacon, mushrm, onion, bell pepper, tomato, red. fat cheese
2 c. coffee w/ sugar-free creamer

7 baked Mojo chicken wings

Turkey burger on whole wht sandwich thin, lite mayo, dijon, ketchup
Salad (spinach, broccoli slaw, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, carrots, cukes, lite Italian, hummus)
3 baby dill pickles

Lowfat mozzarella cheesestick
1 glass tea, mixed 2/3 unsweet, 1/3 sweet
TONS of water
1 protein water
NO COKE TODAY!

One thing I've always loved is inspirational quotes. I decided I'm going to start leaving one at the end of my post each day. I don't always remember who they're by, but if I do, I'll let you know. :)

Quote For The Day:

"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." -Henry Ford