Striking The Iron

I read an interesting quote tonight:

"Don't wait to strike until the iron gets hot...start striking and make it hot." -Anonymous

This really struck me.  You know how sometimes you "know" the right thing to do, but you have to read it or see it or hear it or have it smack you between the eyes so you can be reminded of what the right thing is to do? 

I go back and forth.  I'll have a good day...one to be proud of...and then it'll be followed by an absolutely horrible day.  On the eating front, Friday and Saturday were decent.  Not stellar (1500 cals), but decent (under 2000).  By the way, "decent" means no bingeing.  I went to the park and walked/jogged 2 miles on Friday.  I went to the gym bright and early Saturday morning and got in a good, hard workout that I was extremely proud of.  Then came Sunday, and with it, the rain.  ALL DAY LONG.  Dark, grey, gloomy, rainy, cold, blah kind of a day.  It's amazing how my mindset and emotions mirror the weather so often.  I've always hated the rain, ever since I was little.  Just loathed it.  I don't think I realized exactly why I hated it when I was young, but now I do.  It's damn depressing, bleak, suffocating....sad. 

I cried a lot today.  I took a 3 hour nap, simply for a lack of anything else to do.  I simply could not make myself go to the gym.  Billie called and said she couldn't make it, and while that shouldn't matter, it was just too easy for me to stay indoors, staring out the windows at the gray blanket of a sky.  It was crying, just like I was.  Blah.  One of the reasons I was crying was because I knew it was going to be an eating day.  I fought it off as long as I could.  By 4pm, I had only eaten 600 calories.  For some reason, when I'm doing bad with the eating, it's moreso at night.  So I ate as few cals as I could stand through the day, preparing for the darkness to descend.  And it did.

I don't know how many calories I ate in total.  But I'm ashamed.  The guilt of the eating and not going to the gym was suffocating me, so I finally pried myself off the sofa and did my Jillian 20 min Shred video.  That made me feel a tiny bit better.  But I know it wasn't enough to win out over the calorie intake. 

Tomorrow I have to go to my sister's again.  Every Monday and Tuesday until I get a job or until her class ends, which I think is the end of February.  I know this makes me sound like a terrible person, but being around kids drives me crazy.  It stresses me out to no end.  It has to be because I don't have my own children, and I'm just not used to the noise and chaos that comes along with small children (a 3 yr old & 4 yr old).  I'm used to solitude.  While the quiet drives me nuts, too....dealing with the kids is too far towards the other end of the spectrum.  Too much noise.  Too much yelling.  Too much crying and whining.  Makes me pray for Xanax to fall out of the sky.  But since that's not going to happen....I end up with my head in the frig or the pantry. 

I actually tried to do better last week.  I took my own food with me for dinner on Monday, and for breakfast and lunch on Tuesday.  Well I forgot that last Monday was a holiday, so my brother-in-law was off all day and he loves to cook.  When I walked in the door, the first thing he said is, "You like steaks on the grill?!!"  I was standing in the livingroom and he was in the kitchen.  My shoulders slumped, I rolled my eyes, and with feeling like I'd already been beaten , I said, "Yes".  He said, "How 'bout roasted potatoes?"  "Yes."  He continued, "You like salad, too?"  "Yes...salad sounds great".  He had pre-made the salads with romaine, boiled eggs, crumbled bacon that he had fried on the stove, cheese, cranberries, croutons & blue cheese dressing.  Most fattening salad I've had in a long time.

The next morning, Tuesday, I awoke to my niece crying loud from her bedroom.  I ran in there and she was crying for her Mom.  Over and over and over.  I offered to hold her, rock her, watch cartoons with her, give her my fruit that I'd brought up for my breakfast (oranges, grapes, banana)....nothing was working.  She could not be consoled.  She cried for a solid hour, til 8:15am, when I finally got the idea to bribe her with breakfast out and buying her a new toy.  Suddenly the clouds parted, the sun was shining, and all was well....at least for my niece. 

My nephew, on the other hand, had a urinary tract infection.  Every time he tinkled in his pull-ups, he'd scream in pain.  My sister had a dr's appt for him that afternoon, but this was at 8:15am....long before the afternoon appt.  When we were driving to town to get their breakfast, he was screaming and shrieking like he was being stabbed with 100 knives.  I was shaking like a leaf.  I didn't know what in the world to do for him.  My sister told me to give him Sprite until she could get him to the doctor, and that would help a little.  We ended up at Chick-fil-A and NO, I didn't eat my fruit.  The fruit was long forgotten about.  I was shaking, fighting back my own tears, had been listening to crying, and then screaming, for nearly 2 hours, and the stress-eating began.  I had the kids until 2:30 or so and the rest of my day was just shot.  Bad lunch.  Bad dinner. 

This is why I'm dreading the next two days.  I know I WANT to do better.  I know that I told my sister tonight not to cook dinner for me tomorrow because I'm bringing my own food.  But it's the unknown that I'm afraid of.  You just never know what's going to happen until you get there.  I am very much back to "one day at a time" right now.  I hate it.  I hate how far back I've slidden.  I feel like I'm starting from square one again.  Like the first day I started my blog and was staring at 92 lbs to lose.  It feels that far away, and like each day is shaky.

All I know to do is to wake up each morning and try again.  I'm keeping it in the forefront of my mind.  I wish I had all the answers.  I wish I had all the strength, fortitude, determination that it takes to get the job done and never falter along the way.  I wish a lot of things.  But wishes don't count...only actions.  So tomorrow is a new day.  I'll be going to the gym in the morning, and leaving for my sister's house at 2:30pm.  Send a happy thought my way, and I'll post again on Tuesday night.  'Nite friends. :)

No Surprises Here

I weighed 230.6 for a 3 lb gain this week.  I already explained about the happy-go-lucky restaurant eating with friends and family all week long, so no surprise.  Back on track though and feeling good.  Had a good eating day today and planning on 6 more good days before my next weigh-in.  I should at least be able to get these 3 lbs off by next weigh-in.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.  It's supposed to rain here all day tomorrow, so I'm thinking about going to see that movie "Book of Eli" that just came out today.  Who doesn't love Denzel Washington?  :)  Meeting Billie at the gym at 9am tomorrow for a great workout and some serious attention paid to these hideous arms of mine.  Plan on being back with another post by Sunday night.  :)

Soggy Saturday

For anyone who has been watching national news, then you know we had steady rain here in Georgia from Sunday through Tuesday of this past week and had some MAJOR flooding issues. I've had my fill of rain, BUT it rained again ALL DAY TODAY!! I had fully planned on walking at least 4 miles today, and hopefully 6 if I could talk Dwayne into going back to the park this afternoon. Well Dwayne's not big on exercise, and surely not in the rain, so I knew an afternoon walk wasn't going to happen. However, it was up to me to get out in the downpour and get at least 4 miles done today.

I did it!! It totally sucked, but I got 4 miles under my exercise belt today. I was completely soaked to the bone within the first 1/2 mile. It rained the entire time...it rained all day. I had 4 miles worth of gravel in my shoes when I got done, and 4 miles worth of blisters on my toes, but by golly I did it!

It's been a pretty decent weekend so far. I stayed within my calories yesterday, but today wasn't perfect. No bingeing or anything like that, just a little too much snacking. I went over my calories, albeit I did it with healthy snacks. I know that some people don't count calories for produce...fruit and veggies. I say whatever works for you, go for it!! But to me, a calorie is a calorie, no matter how you eat them. It doesn't matter if it's 1 Snickers bar or 5 bags of carrots, lol. No, I didn't eat 5 bags of carrots, but you get what I'm saying.

Nothing special planned for tomorrow. Meeting up with my roommate Shane and his g/f for breakfast tomorrow morning, then headed to the park to do my 4 mile walk. Lord, I hope it doesn't rain again tomorrow!!! It if it does, then I'll leave Scarlette at home when I do another 2 mile walk tomorrow evening...if not, I'll take my baby with me. She seems to be doing much better today. I'm thankful for that. It just breaks my heart to see my baby sick and not feeling good. I don't have any human children, so I have a completely unhealthy attachment to my puppy. Oh well......there are worse things in life. I just wish I could make her live forever. :)

Quote For the Day:

"The definition of insanity is continuing to do what you've always done and expecting different results." -Anonymous