I read an interesting quote tonight:
"Don't wait to strike until the iron gets hot...start striking and make it hot." -Anonymous
This really struck me. You know how sometimes you "know" the right thing to do, but you have to read it or see it or hear it or have it smack you between the eyes so you can be reminded of what the right thing is to do?
I go back and forth. I'll have a good day...one to be proud of...and then it'll be followed by an absolutely horrible day. On the eating front, Friday and Saturday were decent. Not stellar (1500 cals), but decent (under 2000). By the way, "decent" means no bingeing. I went to the park and walked/jogged 2 miles on Friday. I went to the gym bright and early Saturday morning and got in a good, hard workout that I was extremely proud of. Then came Sunday, and with it, the rain. ALL DAY LONG. Dark, grey, gloomy, rainy, cold, blah kind of a day. It's amazing how my mindset and emotions mirror the weather so often. I've always hated the rain, ever since I was little. Just loathed it. I don't think I realized exactly why I hated it when I was young, but now I do. It's damn depressing, bleak, suffocating....sad.
I cried a lot today. I took a 3 hour nap, simply for a lack of anything else to do. I simply could not make myself go to the gym. Billie called and said she couldn't make it, and while that shouldn't matter, it was just too easy for me to stay indoors, staring out the windows at the gray blanket of a sky. It was crying, just like I was. Blah. One of the reasons I was crying was because I knew it was going to be an eating day. I fought it off as long as I could. By 4pm, I had only eaten 600 calories. For some reason, when I'm doing bad with the eating, it's moreso at night. So I ate as few cals as I could stand through the day, preparing for the darkness to descend. And it did.
I don't know how many calories I ate in total. But I'm ashamed. The guilt of the eating and not going to the gym was suffocating me, so I finally pried myself off the sofa and did my Jillian 20 min Shred video. That made me feel a tiny bit better. But I know it wasn't enough to win out over the calorie intake.
Tomorrow I have to go to my sister's again. Every Monday and Tuesday until I get a job or until her class ends, which I think is the end of February. I know this makes me sound like a terrible person, but being around kids drives me crazy. It stresses me out to no end. It has to be because I don't have my own children, and I'm just not used to the noise and chaos that comes along with small children (a 3 yr old & 4 yr old). I'm used to solitude. While the quiet drives me nuts, too....dealing with the kids is too far towards the other end of the spectrum. Too much noise. Too much yelling. Too much crying and whining. Makes me pray for Xanax to fall out of the sky. But since that's not going to happen....I end up with my head in the frig or the pantry.
I actually tried to do better last week. I took my own food with me for dinner on Monday, and for breakfast and lunch on Tuesday. Well I forgot that last Monday was a holiday, so my brother-in-law was off all day and he loves to cook. When I walked in the door, the first thing he said is, "You like steaks on the grill?!!" I was standing in the livingroom and he was in the kitchen. My shoulders slumped, I rolled my eyes, and with feeling like I'd already been beaten , I said, "Yes". He said, "How 'bout roasted potatoes?" "Yes." He continued, "You like salad, too?" "Yes...salad sounds great". He had pre-made the salads with romaine, boiled eggs, crumbled bacon that he had fried on the stove, cheese, cranberries, croutons & blue cheese dressing. Most fattening salad I've had in a long time.
The next morning, Tuesday, I awoke to my niece crying loud from her bedroom. I ran in there and she was crying for her Mom. Over and over and over. I offered to hold her, rock her, watch cartoons with her, give her my fruit that I'd brought up for my breakfast (oranges, grapes, banana)....nothing was working. She could not be consoled. She cried for a solid hour, til 8:15am, when I finally got the idea to bribe her with breakfast out and buying her a new toy. Suddenly the clouds parted, the sun was shining, and all was well....at least for my niece.
My nephew, on the other hand, had a urinary tract infection. Every time he tinkled in his pull-ups, he'd scream in pain. My sister had a dr's appt for him that afternoon, but this was at 8:15am....long before the afternoon appt. When we were driving to town to get their breakfast, he was screaming and shrieking like he was being stabbed with 100 knives. I was shaking like a leaf. I didn't know what in the world to do for him. My sister told me to give him Sprite until she could get him to the doctor, and that would help a little. We ended up at Chick-fil-A and NO, I didn't eat my fruit. The fruit was long forgotten about. I was shaking, fighting back my own tears, had been listening to crying, and then screaming, for nearly 2 hours, and the stress-eating began. I had the kids until 2:30 or so and the rest of my day was just shot. Bad lunch. Bad dinner.
This is why I'm dreading the next two days. I know I WANT to do better. I know that I told my sister tonight not to cook dinner for me tomorrow because I'm bringing my own food. But it's the unknown that I'm afraid of. You just never know what's going to happen until you get there. I am very much back to "one day at a time" right now. I hate it. I hate how far back I've slidden. I feel like I'm starting from square one again. Like the first day I started my blog and was staring at 92 lbs to lose. It feels that far away, and like each day is shaky.
All I know to do is to wake up each morning and try again. I'm keeping it in the forefront of my mind. I wish I had all the answers. I wish I had all the strength, fortitude, determination that it takes to get the job done and never falter along the way. I wish a lot of things. But wishes don't count...only actions. So tomorrow is a new day. I'll be going to the gym in the morning, and leaving for my sister's house at 2:30pm. Send a happy thought my way, and I'll post again on Tuesday night. 'Nite friends. :)
4 months ago