A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Striking The Iron

I read an interesting quote tonight:

"Don't wait to strike until the iron gets hot...start striking and make it hot." -Anonymous

This really struck me.  You know how sometimes you "know" the right thing to do, but you have to read it or see it or hear it or have it smack you between the eyes so you can be reminded of what the right thing is to do? 

I go back and forth.  I'll have a good day...one to be proud of...and then it'll be followed by an absolutely horrible day.  On the eating front, Friday and Saturday were decent.  Not stellar (1500 cals), but decent (under 2000).  By the way, "decent" means no bingeing.  I went to the park and walked/jogged 2 miles on Friday.  I went to the gym bright and early Saturday morning and got in a good, hard workout that I was extremely proud of.  Then came Sunday, and with it, the rain.  ALL DAY LONG.  Dark, grey, gloomy, rainy, cold, blah kind of a day.  It's amazing how my mindset and emotions mirror the weather so often.  I've always hated the rain, ever since I was little.  Just loathed it.  I don't think I realized exactly why I hated it when I was young, but now I do.  It's damn depressing, bleak, suffocating....sad. 

I cried a lot today.  I took a 3 hour nap, simply for a lack of anything else to do.  I simply could not make myself go to the gym.  Billie called and said she couldn't make it, and while that shouldn't matter, it was just too easy for me to stay indoors, staring out the windows at the gray blanket of a sky.  It was crying, just like I was.  Blah.  One of the reasons I was crying was because I knew it was going to be an eating day.  I fought it off as long as I could.  By 4pm, I had only eaten 600 calories.  For some reason, when I'm doing bad with the eating, it's moreso at night.  So I ate as few cals as I could stand through the day, preparing for the darkness to descend.  And it did.

I don't know how many calories I ate in total.  But I'm ashamed.  The guilt of the eating and not going to the gym was suffocating me, so I finally pried myself off the sofa and did my Jillian 20 min Shred video.  That made me feel a tiny bit better.  But I know it wasn't enough to win out over the calorie intake. 

Tomorrow I have to go to my sister's again.  Every Monday and Tuesday until I get a job or until her class ends, which I think is the end of February.  I know this makes me sound like a terrible person, but being around kids drives me crazy.  It stresses me out to no end.  It has to be because I don't have my own children, and I'm just not used to the noise and chaos that comes along with small children (a 3 yr old & 4 yr old).  I'm used to solitude.  While the quiet drives me nuts, too....dealing with the kids is too far towards the other end of the spectrum.  Too much noise.  Too much yelling.  Too much crying and whining.  Makes me pray for Xanax to fall out of the sky.  But since that's not going to happen....I end up with my head in the frig or the pantry. 

I actually tried to do better last week.  I took my own food with me for dinner on Monday, and for breakfast and lunch on Tuesday.  Well I forgot that last Monday was a holiday, so my brother-in-law was off all day and he loves to cook.  When I walked in the door, the first thing he said is, "You like steaks on the grill?!!"  I was standing in the livingroom and he was in the kitchen.  My shoulders slumped, I rolled my eyes, and with feeling like I'd already been beaten , I said, "Yes".  He said, "How 'bout roasted potatoes?"  "Yes."  He continued, "You like salad, too?"  "Yes...salad sounds great".  He had pre-made the salads with romaine, boiled eggs, crumbled bacon that he had fried on the stove, cheese, cranberries, croutons & blue cheese dressing.  Most fattening salad I've had in a long time.

The next morning, Tuesday, I awoke to my niece crying loud from her bedroom.  I ran in there and she was crying for her Mom.  Over and over and over.  I offered to hold her, rock her, watch cartoons with her, give her my fruit that I'd brought up for my breakfast (oranges, grapes, banana)....nothing was working.  She could not be consoled.  She cried for a solid hour, til 8:15am, when I finally got the idea to bribe her with breakfast out and buying her a new toy.  Suddenly the clouds parted, the sun was shining, and all was well....at least for my niece. 

My nephew, on the other hand, had a urinary tract infection.  Every time he tinkled in his pull-ups, he'd scream in pain.  My sister had a dr's appt for him that afternoon, but this was at 8:15am....long before the afternoon appt.  When we were driving to town to get their breakfast, he was screaming and shrieking like he was being stabbed with 100 knives.  I was shaking like a leaf.  I didn't know what in the world to do for him.  My sister told me to give him Sprite until she could get him to the doctor, and that would help a little.  We ended up at Chick-fil-A and NO, I didn't eat my fruit.  The fruit was long forgotten about.  I was shaking, fighting back my own tears, had been listening to crying, and then screaming, for nearly 2 hours, and the stress-eating began.  I had the kids until 2:30 or so and the rest of my day was just shot.  Bad lunch.  Bad dinner. 

This is why I'm dreading the next two days.  I know I WANT to do better.  I know that I told my sister tonight not to cook dinner for me tomorrow because I'm bringing my own food.  But it's the unknown that I'm afraid of.  You just never know what's going to happen until you get there.  I am very much back to "one day at a time" right now.  I hate it.  I hate how far back I've slidden.  I feel like I'm starting from square one again.  Like the first day I started my blog and was staring at 92 lbs to lose.  It feels that far away, and like each day is shaky.

All I know to do is to wake up each morning and try again.  I'm keeping it in the forefront of my mind.  I wish I had all the answers.  I wish I had all the strength, fortitude, determination that it takes to get the job done and never falter along the way.  I wish a lot of things.  But wishes don't count...only actions.  So tomorrow is a new day.  I'll be going to the gym in the morning, and leaving for my sister's house at 2:30pm.  Send a happy thought my way, and I'll post again on Tuesday night.  'Nite friends. :)

18 comments:

  1. I know you're frustrated. I can tell you're on the edge. But you are Tammy. You are one of the biggest heros that I have in blogland! The determination and perseverance that you show every single day astounds and inspires me over and over and over again. You may FEEL like you're starting from square one again, but don't fool yourself: You used to weigh 340 pounds... think about how much harder this would be if that were still the case. You have lost well over 100 pounds and waded your way through so much adversity and crap in the process that I am constantly amazed at the person you are. I KNOW that I don't have to say it, but I will anyhow: don't give up, Tammy. You are doing this. And I am proud of you.

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  2. Ugh, just reading that post made me feel stressed. You're NOT a terrible person for not liking to be around children. I can't stand it, either. All the screaming, running around, crying, gah, it's terrible. And I felt for you while reading that post. I hope that tomorrow goes better for you. Sending happy thoughts your way. :)

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  3. Oh Tammy, I am sorry the kids get to you that bad...hopefully if Elijah is feeling better this week, maybe this will be a better week!
    I know you feel out of control, but the sense you made of everything just shows me how much control you still have of the situation...hang in there! Love you XOXOXO

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  4. Oh dear...I wish there was really anything that I can say to console you. I truly felt your pain through your words. Just know that you have my sympathies and my prayers.

    Kyle

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  5. Don't feel bad about saying your sister's kids drive you crazy. I have children....and some kids drive me crazy. It's mentally exhausting to listen to crying for hours. I hope today is a more peaceful time with them.

    All you can do with the weight side of things is keep trying. Everyday is a new day to try again. Good luck :)

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  6. Here are some positive thoughts coming your way!!

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  7. I don't know much about anything, so I will just say I am reading....and caring.

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  8. I'm so sorry that dealing with the children causes you stress. Even us parents get stressed out badly when there is lots of crying and whining and no consoling that will help. It's even worse when they are sick or have something wrong, that is stressful all on it's own.

    I hope today goes better for you. Sending positive vibes your way. All you can ever do it pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on going. Your doing that each and everyday, you just keep pushing through. You can do it.

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  9. Hi Tammy.....I don't like kids either. I don't have any, and when my stepdaughter comes over, they make my nerves raw. Sreaming, whining, fighting....gives me a headache. The last 3 months I haven't lost hardly any weight. I am now really pushing it at the gym, and I am hoping this will bring success. It's hard to diet when you have so much on your mind. Just do the best you can, and don't beat yourself up over it. You are not on a time-line, so be good to yourself, Hugs, Kathleen

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  10. Hi Tammy - I hear you about the kids. I have 3 and when they were little, there were days I wished I could walk away and leave them to themselves! Kids are very needy, frustrating and demanding. You're human, woman. Don't be too hard on yourself.

    I could totally relate to you talking about the day where you were funky because you knew it would be an eating day - got to 4 p.m. with only 600 cals... God - I had that day Saturday and once I "let loose", it was pretty bad. A good day or 2 and then a travesty. UGH! I'm not going to lose weight for the wedding in March that way. Hang in there. I'm beginning to realize that winter is a harder time to be on track. It's like we're biologically programmed to pack it on (and in!) when it's cold and dreary. I always do better in spring and summer, but would rather not have to relose weight I'd lost last year!

    I send love and hugs your way, and lots of positive energy!

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  11. Hey, love, good job on posting even though things are/were glum. 266 said it - you ARE doing this.

    I like your resolve to face one day at a time, being bold enough to post about things, and - not eat your bil's food next time!

    As bizarre as it may seem now, I suspect as the proud aunt you will look back on this special time w/the kids fondly one day. (well, yeah, maybe not ALLL of it. haha) But seriously, I know u love them all very much, and we aunties usually don't have time to spend w/the kiddos like we would like. I hope they are doing much better next time.

    I would like to give you a verse that was so healing & helpful to me during a rough time in my life (my dh had job troubles.) Just thought it might be helpful to you in some way. I think there are times when we can all use a roadway in the wilderness! I am posting it here instead of emailing privately incase it is uplifting to anyone else. I hope that is a-ok w/you Tammy.
    "Behold I will do something new
    Now it will spring forth
    Will you not be aware of it?
    I will even make a roadway in the wilderness." Isaiah 43:19
    hugs, Chrissy

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  12. Screaming children would make me eat too! Poor kid! I feel sorry for his pain. And I'm sorry you're having such a bad time.

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  13. I hope your Monday and Tuesdays go better from here on out. I'm stressed with you just reading your post lol.
    And keep taking your own food for those days. Even though it didn't work for last week, I'd just keep taking it and telling yourself you will learn from last weeks mistakes.
    If the weather this week is nice and your nephew is feeling better, maybe take them for a long walk outside. Give them each a small baggie and 'collect' things along the walk (like small stones, acorns, leaves) or make homeade playdough with them and let them play with it all day (I have a recipe for this on my old bhuronlighthouse blog under recipe).
    Hang in there!!!

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  14. Hi Tammy. So sorry you're having such a tough time. It's so frustrating when you can't get a clear run at something.

    All you can do is try your best. And I know you do that every day anyway.

    Looking after small children is very stressful and your sister is lucky to have you doing this for her. I don't know what you can do to feel more chilled around the children. Maybe it will be easier the more experienced you get?

    Hang in there Tammy. We're all rooting for you.

    Bearfriend xx

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  15. I am sorry you have been so stressed. It really sounds like you were living a mini nightmare in your head and I really do feel for you. All that at the same time is just so much to take. I also had a "mini-binge" on Saturday night after a week and a half of very good eating (think wine, 10 oreos, peanut butter on bread, a cupcake...). The important thing it get get right back on the wagon which is what I did on Sunday and it sounds like you did today! I hope all went well... I'll be reading to see how it went.

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  16. I am a bad stress eater and kids at that age can really bring on the stress. I guess bring as much of your own food and you can and try to get full on it, so you won't eat too much of the bad stuff. I find that apples and Fiber One chocolate and oats bars fill me pretty well, and you sort of get your sweets fix that way. And of course the infamous 8 glasses of water. Good luck!

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  17. I'm sorry you've been having a hard time :( Hugs, and lots of positive thoughts headed your way, right...NOW! Did you get them? ;)

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