I was running late this morning and ran out of time before I could fix breakfast at home. I knew I was going to swing through a drive-thru and the choice on the way to work was either McD's or Burger King. I haven't had either one in several months and was trying to remember the calorie value of a couple of breakfast items. I decided to hit Burger King for a ham and egg croissant...no cheese. I was thinking it was around 300-350 calories. I got it, ate it on the way to the office, and when I got here, logged onto the computer, pulled up the BK website, and found that my breakfast was 500 calories. Dang! Why did I think it was 300?? I pulled up McD's menu, found an Egg McMuffin....and IT was 300 calories. I got them confused.
Just a few minutes ago I was munching on a pear that I grabbed out of the fruit bowl when I was running out the door this morning. Wasn't hungry....but it was sitting on my desk....it looked good...so I was munching on it when I decided to pull http://www.sparkpeople.com/ back up and see how many calories it was. I was guessing around 80. It was actually 123 calories. I was about 3/4 through the pear when I read this, so I tossed the rest of it in the trash, and I'm calling it 100 calories. These were a couple of excellent reminders to look up my calorie values BEFORE I make my choice.
As far as my choices go so far this morning.....I should have only had the pear and spread out my calories in a better way over my whole day. All is not lost....I'll still keep it under 1800 today as I've done all week...but I'm definitely more aware of my choices due to my caloric breakfast overload...and that will make for better choices tomorrow.
Not getting on the scale is driving me a little nuts....but I'm handling it. I know I've only got 2 more days to find out my progress for the week, and knowing I've succeeded at the one-day-at-a-time philosophy, and 1800 calorie a day max....the wait will be worth it. :)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Kicking Me While I'm Down?
It's no secret that I struggle severely with my weight problem and addiction to food. I have a real problem. It's no secret because I post about it all right here. I'm as honest as I can possibly be. The only thing I don't post about are very personal things that pop up from time to time and involve people that I love deeply, and out of respect, I leave that out. But those things are few and far between in the grand scheme of things. For the most part, you hear it all....good and bad. Most of it's been bad, as is apparent by my weigh-ins on my sidebar. I've had some good periods, most of it when I first started blogging over a year ago.
I struggle with depression...I went through a 3 month break-up with Dwayne (my boyfriend of 6 years)....I endured a year and four months of unemployment....I lost 3 friendships.....and a few other emotional things scattered through that I haven't been able to blog about.
And guess what? I'm still here. I'm still alive. I still care...and I'm still trying. Have I failed miserably? Oh you bet I have....I've screwed it up time and time again. It's embarassing, and I've fought the urge to shut this blog down many, many times. But I haven't. I've held on. I'm in the fight for my life here, and I still have hope that I can make it out alive....Thinner than I am, and a whole lot healthier and fit.
My highest weight in my life was 340 lbs. I'm around 255 lbs. now. That's about 85 lbs. lost. I'm not one to toot my own horn....I'm not a vain or overly proud person, but losing 85 lbs. is no small feat.
I'm struggling again now, trying to get a foothold, reverting back to how I started.....one day at a time. I set a daily calorie limit of 1800, and to exercise as well as I can, as soon as I can, with a sprained ankle. Does this sound like a crash diet? I don't think so. Not even close.
But I was going through my blog reader on my dashboard tonight, and read that someone posted about me tonight. They did not use my name, but they used exact phrases I used in a post a few days ago (going for the gold), and talked about the big amt. of weight I lost a few months back (April-15 lbs), then went on to say that I gained twice as much back....and now I'm going on a "crash diet" to get back to where I was (I mentioned in my post that I wonder if I can lose as much as 20 lbs. in a month).
Apparently I should have never wondered about those 20 lbs. out loud. I guess I just shocked the shit out of someone so badly that they had to blog about it. I take it back. I don't want to lose 20 lbs. this month. I want to lose as much as I can with the plan of not exceeding 1800 calories a day, and exercising as much as I can. 1800 calories and exercising a few days a week is nowhere near a "crash diet"....it's not even close. When I first started, I was modeling after Sean and ate 1500 calories a day, and working out 6 days a week. I raised it to 1800 this time because I know what a volume eater I am, especially spending 9 1/2 hours at a desk at work. I think this is quite sane.
I was shocked to see the blog post. Crash diet? Seriously? Wait a minute....are they judging me???? While I'm struggling, to boot??? I left a comment disagreeing with their viewpoint on my plan...very politely. The cool thing about us all having our own little corner of the blog world is that we get to say whatever we please. So here's what I'm going to say.
We all have opinions on what we see and what we read. We all judge. My hope is that we're doing it internally....not outwardly....and never in a hurtful way. What was said about me wasn't hurtful...it was just left hanging out there for anyone to form their own opinion on what I'm doing. They pointed out 4 or 5 other bloggers and what they're doing....and ended the post saying what an interesting world we live in. Well I'm glad my struggle is so interesting....maybe someone will get out of it what I pray they get out of it. And that's to never give up on yourself. Stay in the game. Know you're worth the fight, and never lose hope.
There is always hope.
**********UPDATE************
When I awoke this morning, I had second thoughts about this post. I was a bit offended when I wrote it, and after some good sleep and waking with a fresh mind to a new day, I decided this was too harsh. I should have kept it to myself. I got to work, pulled up my computer, and the person that I'm referring to in this post left me a comment. I also had 9 other comments. I decided to keep the post up, and only post the comment of the person I'm referring to. I really like this person. She's been on my Favorites list on my computer for over a year now. I appreciate the comment that she left. Thank you friend. :)
The comment is below:
Yup, Tammy. It was me. I didn't even realize I had quoted you about going for the gold. The same expression came to my mind.
When you posted your goal, you didn't talk about how many calories per day. 1800 is totally respectable and not at all a crash diet.
I was just really concerned when you talked about seeing how much you could lose in a month, especially since you had talked about this goal right after talking about the 15 pound loss and the 29 pound gain.
Like all bloggers, I have my own personal way of seeing things, but when I express my disagreement it's really because I am concerned about the person.
I have been reading your blog for a while now and you really have gone through some very tough times in the past year or so. I really, sincerely wish you all the best and hope that in the fullness of time you reach a weight that is sustainable for you and one at which you feel comfortable.
With this response from her....I'm not going to post the rest of the comments, although I appreciate your input. I did accidentally hit publish on one of the comments and I can't figure out how to remove it now. But I'm going to leave the rest out. The only ones I'll publish today will be after I've posted this update. It was awesome of this person to come over and leave her comment/explanation for me. Very classy of her. I've tried to do the right thing by posting her comment within this blog post w/o her name. Her name is not important....what she had to say is all that matters, and it's appreciated. Let's move on to the next post tomorrow, shall we? Have a fabulous day everyone. :)
I struggle with depression...I went through a 3 month break-up with Dwayne (my boyfriend of 6 years)....I endured a year and four months of unemployment....I lost 3 friendships.....and a few other emotional things scattered through that I haven't been able to blog about.
And guess what? I'm still here. I'm still alive. I still care...and I'm still trying. Have I failed miserably? Oh you bet I have....I've screwed it up time and time again. It's embarassing, and I've fought the urge to shut this blog down many, many times. But I haven't. I've held on. I'm in the fight for my life here, and I still have hope that I can make it out alive....Thinner than I am, and a whole lot healthier and fit.
My highest weight in my life was 340 lbs. I'm around 255 lbs. now. That's about 85 lbs. lost. I'm not one to toot my own horn....I'm not a vain or overly proud person, but losing 85 lbs. is no small feat.
I'm struggling again now, trying to get a foothold, reverting back to how I started.....one day at a time. I set a daily calorie limit of 1800, and to exercise as well as I can, as soon as I can, with a sprained ankle. Does this sound like a crash diet? I don't think so. Not even close.
But I was going through my blog reader on my dashboard tonight, and read that someone posted about me tonight. They did not use my name, but they used exact phrases I used in a post a few days ago (going for the gold), and talked about the big amt. of weight I lost a few months back (April-15 lbs), then went on to say that I gained twice as much back....and now I'm going on a "crash diet" to get back to where I was (I mentioned in my post that I wonder if I can lose as much as 20 lbs. in a month).
Apparently I should have never wondered about those 20 lbs. out loud. I guess I just shocked the shit out of someone so badly that they had to blog about it. I take it back. I don't want to lose 20 lbs. this month. I want to lose as much as I can with the plan of not exceeding 1800 calories a day, and exercising as much as I can. 1800 calories and exercising a few days a week is nowhere near a "crash diet"....it's not even close. When I first started, I was modeling after Sean and ate 1500 calories a day, and working out 6 days a week. I raised it to 1800 this time because I know what a volume eater I am, especially spending 9 1/2 hours at a desk at work. I think this is quite sane.
I was shocked to see the blog post. Crash diet? Seriously? Wait a minute....are they judging me???? While I'm struggling, to boot??? I left a comment disagreeing with their viewpoint on my plan...very politely. The cool thing about us all having our own little corner of the blog world is that we get to say whatever we please. So here's what I'm going to say.
We all have opinions on what we see and what we read. We all judge. My hope is that we're doing it internally....not outwardly....and never in a hurtful way. What was said about me wasn't hurtful...it was just left hanging out there for anyone to form their own opinion on what I'm doing. They pointed out 4 or 5 other bloggers and what they're doing....and ended the post saying what an interesting world we live in. Well I'm glad my struggle is so interesting....maybe someone will get out of it what I pray they get out of it. And that's to never give up on yourself. Stay in the game. Know you're worth the fight, and never lose hope.
There is always hope.
**********UPDATE************
When I awoke this morning, I had second thoughts about this post. I was a bit offended when I wrote it, and after some good sleep and waking with a fresh mind to a new day, I decided this was too harsh. I should have kept it to myself. I got to work, pulled up my computer, and the person that I'm referring to in this post left me a comment. I also had 9 other comments. I decided to keep the post up, and only post the comment of the person I'm referring to. I really like this person. She's been on my Favorites list on my computer for over a year now. I appreciate the comment that she left. Thank you friend. :)
The comment is below:
Yup, Tammy. It was me. I didn't even realize I had quoted you about going for the gold. The same expression came to my mind.
When you posted your goal, you didn't talk about how many calories per day. 1800 is totally respectable and not at all a crash diet.
I was just really concerned when you talked about seeing how much you could lose in a month, especially since you had talked about this goal right after talking about the 15 pound loss and the 29 pound gain.
Like all bloggers, I have my own personal way of seeing things, but when I express my disagreement it's really because I am concerned about the person.
I have been reading your blog for a while now and you really have gone through some very tough times in the past year or so. I really, sincerely wish you all the best and hope that in the fullness of time you reach a weight that is sustainable for you and one at which you feel comfortable.
With this response from her....I'm not going to post the rest of the comments, although I appreciate your input. I did accidentally hit publish on one of the comments and I can't figure out how to remove it now. But I'm going to leave the rest out. The only ones I'll publish today will be after I've posted this update. It was awesome of this person to come over and leave her comment/explanation for me. Very classy of her. I've tried to do the right thing by posting her comment within this blog post w/o her name. Her name is not important....what she had to say is all that matters, and it's appreciated. Let's move on to the next post tomorrow, shall we? Have a fabulous day everyone. :)
Back On Track
I had a really good weekend. I did not exceed the 1800 calorie mark that I set for myself all weekend. I was perfect all 3 days....Fri, Sat and Sun. Unbelievable. lol And it was relatively easy. You can tell when you've had enough of the crap and you're ready for a change. I wasn't frantic or wanting to eat the house this wknd. I was calm and relaxed...planned out my food and calories ahead of each meal...and only concentrated on one day at a time (for the most part). We did grill out Sat night, and I pre-planned to have Dwayne cook enough to last for Sunday's dinner, too....just so we wouldn't have to cook again.
The only tough thing was staying off of the scale....but it's all good. If I'm doing what I'm supposed to in the way of food and exercise, there's really no need to be on it more than once a week....and only then to gauge my progress. It gives me a boost to see things moving in the right direction, and I'd rather see that weekly than monthly. My official weigh-in last Fri morning was 255.8. I feel like that number will be a few lbs. less by this Friday. I didn't do any exercise over the weekend. My plan for this week is to go to the gym on Tues and Thur and do something that doesn't require putting my full weight on my foot/ankle, as it's still a bit painful and very weak. I'm thinking either the stationary bike or a rowing machine...something of the sort. They also have water aerobic classes at my gym on Tues and Thur, so that's something I'm considering...if I could just get over the fact that the stupid pool room is surrounded by glass windows, both to the inside of the gym, and to the outside public...good grief!!!
And a word of thanks to one of the commenters who's concerned about me losing fast and gaining it all back. Thanks for your concern girl...I do appreciate it. And I would agree with you if I were taking drastic measure to dump a bunch of weight...like dropping calories to only 1,000 a day and working out 4-6 hrs every evening. But I'm nowhere close to any kind of extreme. The 1800 calories I set is a good bit of food, and as we can see, I'm not exercising much yet due to my ankle. Me wondering if I can lose 20 lbs in a month is most likely a dream that will never come true, lol.....I say things like that because I'm sick and tired of being strangled in my clothing (I got rid of all of my bigger clothes and REFUSE to buy any more).....and with 20 lbs gone, I'd actually be able to breathe in what I'm wearing to work. I'm also a big fan of "going for the gold" when you've got your full focus....so there's definitely nothing wrong with shooting for the 20 lb. mark, whether I hit it or not. Let's face it....ANY kind of a loss is better than not even trying. :)
My fitness center at the apt is SUPPOSED to open this Thursday, so we'll see if that's actually true. If not, I always have the option of the gym. It totally sucks that Kim broke her ankle and we're not able to work out together right now....but I'll be putting myself in the habit of going alone starting this Tuesday. I'm going to make the exercise a priority....and that has more to do with the mental aspect than it does the physical.
The only tough thing was staying off of the scale....but it's all good. If I'm doing what I'm supposed to in the way of food and exercise, there's really no need to be on it more than once a week....and only then to gauge my progress. It gives me a boost to see things moving in the right direction, and I'd rather see that weekly than monthly. My official weigh-in last Fri morning was 255.8. I feel like that number will be a few lbs. less by this Friday. I didn't do any exercise over the weekend. My plan for this week is to go to the gym on Tues and Thur and do something that doesn't require putting my full weight on my foot/ankle, as it's still a bit painful and very weak. I'm thinking either the stationary bike or a rowing machine...something of the sort. They also have water aerobic classes at my gym on Tues and Thur, so that's something I'm considering...if I could just get over the fact that the stupid pool room is surrounded by glass windows, both to the inside of the gym, and to the outside public...good grief!!!
And a word of thanks to one of the commenters who's concerned about me losing fast and gaining it all back. Thanks for your concern girl...I do appreciate it. And I would agree with you if I were taking drastic measure to dump a bunch of weight...like dropping calories to only 1,000 a day and working out 4-6 hrs every evening. But I'm nowhere close to any kind of extreme. The 1800 calories I set is a good bit of food, and as we can see, I'm not exercising much yet due to my ankle. Me wondering if I can lose 20 lbs in a month is most likely a dream that will never come true, lol.....I say things like that because I'm sick and tired of being strangled in my clothing (I got rid of all of my bigger clothes and REFUSE to buy any more).....and with 20 lbs gone, I'd actually be able to breathe in what I'm wearing to work. I'm also a big fan of "going for the gold" when you've got your full focus....so there's definitely nothing wrong with shooting for the 20 lb. mark, whether I hit it or not. Let's face it....ANY kind of a loss is better than not even trying. :)
My fitness center at the apt is SUPPOSED to open this Thursday, so we'll see if that's actually true. If not, I always have the option of the gym. It totally sucks that Kim broke her ankle and we're not able to work out together right now....but I'll be putting myself in the habit of going alone starting this Tuesday. I'm going to make the exercise a priority....and that has more to do with the mental aspect than it does the physical.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Fighting For My Life
That title sounds dramatic doesn't it? It should. Getting this weight off is imperative. It's quickly moving to the top of my list of THE most important things to me. Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser, listed on my blogroll, is someone that I refer to often. I made him my mentor very shortly after starting my blog last June. He started the fight for HIS life at 505 lbs, and now he's just a few lbs. short of his 230 lb. goal. I often find myself coming back around to the truths that he's built his weight loss on. He's constantly harping on making this as important as life and death. It sounds dramatic...but I agree with him. Even when I get off track or go astray, I always come back around to this. I need to just get it done. I need to make it THE most important thing in my life, until it is conquered and a new heatlhy lifestyle is firmly in place.
We all have different circumstances going on in our lives that can very easily throw off our focus, if we let it. I have let it many times....too many times. I get mad at myself for this. In the end, none of the excuses/circumstances matter. It's up to us to fix the ones we can, and deal with the ones we can't, without letting it throw us off course. It takes a lot of determination, tenacity, consistency, perseverance and sacrifice to do it...but I believe it's worth doing. I believe the freedom we'll find from sticking to it and seeing it through to our goals will far outweigh the pitfalls and obstacles that we have to work around along the way. I don't know about you, but I am just sick to death of this taking so long. I'm tired of veering off course and taking my blinders off. Quite frankly, it's depressing.
I feel better when I'm doing better. Making the right food choices and exercising makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel better physically, and it frees me mentally. I was so low the other night when I did my last post, that I really thought I was going to have to go back on an anti-depressant to even get to a place where I can focus on losing the weight. That may still be true. I already have to go to the dr's in a month for my thyroid, so if I'm still having problems with the depression in a month, I'll get the dr. to give me another prescription for Zoloft. It definitely helps.
In the meantime, I'm going to do what I can for myself, starting today. I've got a goal for the next 30 days. I'm going to take it one day at a time...no more than that....and make the right decisions as I go along. I'm not going to "try" to...I'm just going to do it. I'm not going to look down the road to next week, or next month. I'm going to live in the present, and only focus on a 24 hour time period. Yes, I'm back where I started...one day at a time. That's ok. I'm still kicking...I've still got some fight left in me...and the important thing is that I'm not quitting.
I keep thinking back to the challenge I did in April to get ready for my beach trip. I went from 241 lbs to 226 lbs. in 30 days. I lost 15 lbs. in one month, with admittedly slacking on the last week, where I only lost 1 lb....more focused on the week at the beach that was quickly approaching than I was on making the right choices. This really makes me wonder how much I can really lose in a month, given I keep the daily focus...one day at a time...until 30 days have passed. Can I lose 20 lbs? I don't know. I've already proven to myself that I can lose 15 lbs. I'm 255 lbs. today. I know I can at least get to 240 lbs. That is so appealing. My clothes will fit again at 240 lbs. I'll be one lb. away from the 230's...again. I might even get down into the 230's in the next 30 days. I want to try. I'm going to do my best, each day, and I'll see just what I'm capable of.
All I know is that I have to get out of the pit I'm in now. I have to climb out....now. Nobody else is going to do it for me. I have to save myself. I think I'm worth fighting for...I think I deserve less depression and more happiness. I think I deserve to get rid of the pain in my back and my knees from simply being too fat, and find out what it's like to live pain-free.
I'm not going to post pics of everything I eat, just because I'm not going to add in a bunch of little things that I "have" to do this month. There are two main things....the 2 I always come back to....eat less and move more. It works if you actually do it....consistently, that is. I'm a big fan of calorie counting because you can't argue with cold, hard numbers. You can absolutely count on the numbers every time....so I'm keeping it between 1500-1800. My exercise...I'm not sure yet. But it has to be more than it is now.
I posted 2 weeks ago that I slipped and fell in Walmart and sprained my ankle. It wasn't a terribly serious sprain...not enough to need crutches....but it definitely still hurts and is very weak. We spent 4 hours walking around Biltmore Estate last weekend, and at the end of that time, I was praying my leg would just fall off, I was in so much pain. So I've been nervous about getting back on the treadmill just yet. I'm thinking about the bike or some kind of rowing machine at the gym, so that I won't have my weight on my foot, but will still be getting in some kind of exercise.
And to go back to what I said earlier in this post about fixing the things you can.....I had a talk with Dwayne last night. We had a nice dinner together...talked...and he really listened. I told him I'm struggling big time in a lot of ways, considering an anti-depressant, and that I'm really disgusted with myself for being so loosey goosey on the weight loss and exercise front. He told me that he knows he's a burden because he's around so much now (6 days a week), and that we don't eat very many of the same things. He hugged me a bunch, held my hand....looked me right in the eyes, listened intently....and ended up telling me that he'll do absolutely anything he can in helping me to reach my goals and that I have his endless support in ALL of my goals. He said he knows he needs to eat better...he'll try to work on that. He said he's been thinking to himself that he needs to do better, just from watching me...and that he's trying to make himself get in the habit of some kind of exercise. He admitted to a problem with laziness and poor choices, and he wants to do better....be better.
I told him I'll never force my own choices on him, and that I've never been one to believe in trying to change someone you're with. It never works anyway....that they have to want to change for themselves...and they'll do it in their own time, if it's going to happen. I told him if he needs any help...I'll do anything for him. I told him that the grilling thing we used to do on weekends was really working for both of us....and we agreed that we're going to try it, until we get busted by the front ofc. I told him no more bringing dinner home on Friday nights. Besides the fact that it's a huge waste of money....we need to eat better. I told him I'll be cooking on Friday nights from now on...something that we'll both enjoy.
My original plan for tonight's dinner...and what I told Dwayne...is that we'll have burgers and fries. I have a box of those Reduced Fat Bubba Burgers in the freezer....they're 260 calories a piece and I cook them on the Foreman grill in the kitchen....then cut up a couple of baking potatoes, sprinkle some season salt and pepper on them, and bake them in the oven. While figuring out how I wanted to spend my calories today...I decided I didn't want to spend 260 on one of those tiny burgers. I decided that when I go to Publix on my lunch break today to pick up 120 calorie wheat buns, I'm going to grab a pack of ground chicken breast, and make myself a chicken burger in a skillet while his burger is on the Foreman. I can have a 5 oz. chicken burger for only 150 calories. This way I can get a healthier burger...a BIGGER burger...for 110 fewer calories. I also looked up a large baking potato on http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and it says it's 278 calories. So I decided I'll only have 1/2 of one, sliced up into fries, with my burger tonight. We'll probably also have some watermelon...something we both enjoy.
As far as the grilling goes....we have a Char-Broil stand up electric grill. You just plug it into the wall...no gas, no charcoal to fall out of the bottom and set the apt complex on fire. We love that grill. Dwayne said he'll start grilling every Sat night for us....and he'll make enough to last for Sunday's dinner too, so that we're now eating healthy all weekend. Well....as healthy as he'll eat w/ no veggies, lol. I was just so relieved that he's going to be on board with me, and supportive of what I want and need to do with my eating lifestyle. He even said that if we get busted using our grill....that he'll buy a bag of charcoal each week, and a charcoal grill, and drag it out to an open area where you're allowed to grill....and still grill for me every weekend to help me stay on track. I just love him. He really wants to see me succeed at what I'm trying to do...he wants to see my healthy AND happy...and I just love him to pieces for it.
What's the date today? The 10th I think? So we'll see what I weight on Oct. 10th. That's another thing...I have been absolutely TORMENTING myself with that damn scale....daily abuse. So I'm going back to only weighing once a week, on Friday's, to see what kind of progress I'm making.
I'm not saying I don't still need the anti-depressants....I may still do that when I go in for my thryoid appt....I'll definitely do it if it's apparent that I need it. But I know that making the right choices and getting in regular exercise does wonders for the mind and body....and that needs to start today.
As a side note....I will REMEMBER this time that my cycle plays a huge part in my losses...because I'm abnormal and have a cycle that lasts 2 weeks. I'm off for 2 weeks...it's here for 2 weeks...it leaves for 2 weeks....you get the idea. So I know...no matter how well I'm doing...the scale is going to suck at least 2 out of the 4 weeks....however, I also know it should catch up on the good weeks....and I have to be careful to not give into the sweet/salty cravings that are so overwhelming during this time. I always seem to forget about this stuff....but this morning on my way to work...the cramps kicked in to remind me.
So this is where I'm at and what I'm doing....looking forward to a good weekend with Dwayne. Oh...and I'm supposed to meet up with Tina and Crys at the Farmer's Market this Sunday. Kim was supposed to go with us, but the poor thing broke her ankle a couple of days ago and is on crutches. I feel so sorry for her...I know how bad it sucks to be incapacitated. Everyone pray that my sweet friend heals up quickly.
Have a fabulous weekend! :)
We all have different circumstances going on in our lives that can very easily throw off our focus, if we let it. I have let it many times....too many times. I get mad at myself for this. In the end, none of the excuses/circumstances matter. It's up to us to fix the ones we can, and deal with the ones we can't, without letting it throw us off course. It takes a lot of determination, tenacity, consistency, perseverance and sacrifice to do it...but I believe it's worth doing. I believe the freedom we'll find from sticking to it and seeing it through to our goals will far outweigh the pitfalls and obstacles that we have to work around along the way. I don't know about you, but I am just sick to death of this taking so long. I'm tired of veering off course and taking my blinders off. Quite frankly, it's depressing.
I feel better when I'm doing better. Making the right food choices and exercising makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel better physically, and it frees me mentally. I was so low the other night when I did my last post, that I really thought I was going to have to go back on an anti-depressant to even get to a place where I can focus on losing the weight. That may still be true. I already have to go to the dr's in a month for my thyroid, so if I'm still having problems with the depression in a month, I'll get the dr. to give me another prescription for Zoloft. It definitely helps.
In the meantime, I'm going to do what I can for myself, starting today. I've got a goal for the next 30 days. I'm going to take it one day at a time...no more than that....and make the right decisions as I go along. I'm not going to "try" to...I'm just going to do it. I'm not going to look down the road to next week, or next month. I'm going to live in the present, and only focus on a 24 hour time period. Yes, I'm back where I started...one day at a time. That's ok. I'm still kicking...I've still got some fight left in me...and the important thing is that I'm not quitting.
I keep thinking back to the challenge I did in April to get ready for my beach trip. I went from 241 lbs to 226 lbs. in 30 days. I lost 15 lbs. in one month, with admittedly slacking on the last week, where I only lost 1 lb....more focused on the week at the beach that was quickly approaching than I was on making the right choices. This really makes me wonder how much I can really lose in a month, given I keep the daily focus...one day at a time...until 30 days have passed. Can I lose 20 lbs? I don't know. I've already proven to myself that I can lose 15 lbs. I'm 255 lbs. today. I know I can at least get to 240 lbs. That is so appealing. My clothes will fit again at 240 lbs. I'll be one lb. away from the 230's...again. I might even get down into the 230's in the next 30 days. I want to try. I'm going to do my best, each day, and I'll see just what I'm capable of.
All I know is that I have to get out of the pit I'm in now. I have to climb out....now. Nobody else is going to do it for me. I have to save myself. I think I'm worth fighting for...I think I deserve less depression and more happiness. I think I deserve to get rid of the pain in my back and my knees from simply being too fat, and find out what it's like to live pain-free.
I'm not going to post pics of everything I eat, just because I'm not going to add in a bunch of little things that I "have" to do this month. There are two main things....the 2 I always come back to....eat less and move more. It works if you actually do it....consistently, that is. I'm a big fan of calorie counting because you can't argue with cold, hard numbers. You can absolutely count on the numbers every time....so I'm keeping it between 1500-1800. My exercise...I'm not sure yet. But it has to be more than it is now.
I posted 2 weeks ago that I slipped and fell in Walmart and sprained my ankle. It wasn't a terribly serious sprain...not enough to need crutches....but it definitely still hurts and is very weak. We spent 4 hours walking around Biltmore Estate last weekend, and at the end of that time, I was praying my leg would just fall off, I was in so much pain. So I've been nervous about getting back on the treadmill just yet. I'm thinking about the bike or some kind of rowing machine at the gym, so that I won't have my weight on my foot, but will still be getting in some kind of exercise.
And to go back to what I said earlier in this post about fixing the things you can.....I had a talk with Dwayne last night. We had a nice dinner together...talked...and he really listened. I told him I'm struggling big time in a lot of ways, considering an anti-depressant, and that I'm really disgusted with myself for being so loosey goosey on the weight loss and exercise front. He told me that he knows he's a burden because he's around so much now (6 days a week), and that we don't eat very many of the same things. He hugged me a bunch, held my hand....looked me right in the eyes, listened intently....and ended up telling me that he'll do absolutely anything he can in helping me to reach my goals and that I have his endless support in ALL of my goals. He said he knows he needs to eat better...he'll try to work on that. He said he's been thinking to himself that he needs to do better, just from watching me...and that he's trying to make himself get in the habit of some kind of exercise. He admitted to a problem with laziness and poor choices, and he wants to do better....be better.
I told him I'll never force my own choices on him, and that I've never been one to believe in trying to change someone you're with. It never works anyway....that they have to want to change for themselves...and they'll do it in their own time, if it's going to happen. I told him if he needs any help...I'll do anything for him. I told him that the grilling thing we used to do on weekends was really working for both of us....and we agreed that we're going to try it, until we get busted by the front ofc. I told him no more bringing dinner home on Friday nights. Besides the fact that it's a huge waste of money....we need to eat better. I told him I'll be cooking on Friday nights from now on...something that we'll both enjoy.
My original plan for tonight's dinner...and what I told Dwayne...is that we'll have burgers and fries. I have a box of those Reduced Fat Bubba Burgers in the freezer....they're 260 calories a piece and I cook them on the Foreman grill in the kitchen....then cut up a couple of baking potatoes, sprinkle some season salt and pepper on them, and bake them in the oven. While figuring out how I wanted to spend my calories today...I decided I didn't want to spend 260 on one of those tiny burgers. I decided that when I go to Publix on my lunch break today to pick up 120 calorie wheat buns, I'm going to grab a pack of ground chicken breast, and make myself a chicken burger in a skillet while his burger is on the Foreman. I can have a 5 oz. chicken burger for only 150 calories. This way I can get a healthier burger...a BIGGER burger...for 110 fewer calories. I also looked up a large baking potato on http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and it says it's 278 calories. So I decided I'll only have 1/2 of one, sliced up into fries, with my burger tonight. We'll probably also have some watermelon...something we both enjoy.
As far as the grilling goes....we have a Char-Broil stand up electric grill. You just plug it into the wall...no gas, no charcoal to fall out of the bottom and set the apt complex on fire. We love that grill. Dwayne said he'll start grilling every Sat night for us....and he'll make enough to last for Sunday's dinner too, so that we're now eating healthy all weekend. Well....as healthy as he'll eat w/ no veggies, lol. I was just so relieved that he's going to be on board with me, and supportive of what I want and need to do with my eating lifestyle. He even said that if we get busted using our grill....that he'll buy a bag of charcoal each week, and a charcoal grill, and drag it out to an open area where you're allowed to grill....and still grill for me every weekend to help me stay on track. I just love him. He really wants to see me succeed at what I'm trying to do...he wants to see my healthy AND happy...and I just love him to pieces for it.
What's the date today? The 10th I think? So we'll see what I weight on Oct. 10th. That's another thing...I have been absolutely TORMENTING myself with that damn scale....daily abuse. So I'm going back to only weighing once a week, on Friday's, to see what kind of progress I'm making.
I'm not saying I don't still need the anti-depressants....I may still do that when I go in for my thryoid appt....I'll definitely do it if it's apparent that I need it. But I know that making the right choices and getting in regular exercise does wonders for the mind and body....and that needs to start today.
As a side note....I will REMEMBER this time that my cycle plays a huge part in my losses...because I'm abnormal and have a cycle that lasts 2 weeks. I'm off for 2 weeks...it's here for 2 weeks...it leaves for 2 weeks....you get the idea. So I know...no matter how well I'm doing...the scale is going to suck at least 2 out of the 4 weeks....however, I also know it should catch up on the good weeks....and I have to be careful to not give into the sweet/salty cravings that are so overwhelming during this time. I always seem to forget about this stuff....but this morning on my way to work...the cramps kicked in to remind me.
So this is where I'm at and what I'm doing....looking forward to a good weekend with Dwayne. Oh...and I'm supposed to meet up with Tina and Crys at the Farmer's Market this Sunday. Kim was supposed to go with us, but the poor thing broke her ankle a couple of days ago and is on crutches. I feel so sorry for her...I know how bad it sucks to be incapacitated. Everyone pray that my sweet friend heals up quickly.
Have a fabulous weekend! :)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I Need Meds...Seriously
I've come to the decision that I need to go back on Zoloft? Didn't know I used to take it? Well I did. Probably should have never gone off.
I've had bouts with depression since I was a teenager. No major reason why really, which is the kicker. I think sometimes you just have a chemical imbalance in the brain that can only be corrected or balanced out with meds.
I went for years and years w/o taking meds because...and I'm being totally honest here...I didn't like the stigma. I've grown up since then. I've gotten wiser. Some people need them....like myself. And there shouldn't be any shame in it. I remember the day a few years ago that changed my viewpoint on the matter. I was talking to my sister Brandy about my depression, which was hard to do. She's a very non-emotional person....very straightforward, level-headed, and reason-based....have never seen her overly emotional at any time during our lives. I was telling her I really think there's something wrong with my brain and I need to go on anti-depressants but didn't like the stigma associated with taking them. She told me that was a stupid view, lol. Good ol' sis. She used to be a police officer for the county I live in, and I have no idea why she knew this statistic, but she told me that 60+% of the residents in my county are on anti-depressants.
?!?!?! REALLY ?!?!?!
Welll...suddenly I don't feel so bad, lol. I went to the doctor the next day.
I've been on/off them over the last several years....coming off only because I was feeling pretty damn "normal" (good) and I really do have an aversion to taking any kind of meds. I'm already stuck with taking synthroid for my thyroid for the rest of my life....I didn't want another lifelong medicine that wasn't implicitly linked to keeping me alive. I may be wrong about that....mental health is important. For me, the depression is directly tied to the food. And when I get to where I just don't give a shit....but I really DO give a shit and want to do better....but can't seem to summon what it takes (find my mojo again)....and find myself crying in the car every day on the way home from work for no good reason.....then I know it's time to go back on my meds.
Problem #1. I don't have insurance so the dr's visit will cost me $125 that I can't really afford to spend right now. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but the job that I'm so thankful to have, only pays $1 more an hour than I was getting on unemployment. Translation: Things are still very, very hard and very, very stressful...daily.
Problem #2. I would have to take a couple of hours off work to go to the dr's appt and that doesn't look good to my new boss. He promised me a raise in 6 months IF....IF....I didn't miss much work, was always on time and gave him 110%. My 6 months isn't due until Dec. 16th. So I'm nervous about asking for the time to go to the dr....and what it will mean for my review....I REALLY, REALLY need a good raise. I can't hold on like this much longer financially.
On the other hand...I can't hold on much longer mentally, either. I have a roadblock in my brain. I can't seem to get out of the 250's. I know all the right things to do. I know what was working before when I got down into the 220's, although ever so briefly. But I just can't seem to make myself do what I need to do. I care...I cry over it every single day....but I can't seem to make my brain care enough to get the work done. I can't seem to get the right mindset. It's pretty sick actually. I'm sad and depressed and hate this fat, and hate that I can't breathe in any of my clothes, and I feel ugly and gross.....so then I eat something I shouldn't for that fleeting moment of temporary relief...knowing the guilt and the continued disgust is only a minute or two behind that last bite. What stupidity.
I have to do something. I think meds is the answer. I have to save myself.
I've had bouts with depression since I was a teenager. No major reason why really, which is the kicker. I think sometimes you just have a chemical imbalance in the brain that can only be corrected or balanced out with meds.
I went for years and years w/o taking meds because...and I'm being totally honest here...I didn't like the stigma. I've grown up since then. I've gotten wiser. Some people need them....like myself. And there shouldn't be any shame in it. I remember the day a few years ago that changed my viewpoint on the matter. I was talking to my sister Brandy about my depression, which was hard to do. She's a very non-emotional person....very straightforward, level-headed, and reason-based....have never seen her overly emotional at any time during our lives. I was telling her I really think there's something wrong with my brain and I need to go on anti-depressants but didn't like the stigma associated with taking them. She told me that was a stupid view, lol. Good ol' sis. She used to be a police officer for the county I live in, and I have no idea why she knew this statistic, but she told me that 60+% of the residents in my county are on anti-depressants.
?!?!?! REALLY ?!?!?!
Welll...suddenly I don't feel so bad, lol. I went to the doctor the next day.
I've been on/off them over the last several years....coming off only because I was feeling pretty damn "normal" (good) and I really do have an aversion to taking any kind of meds. I'm already stuck with taking synthroid for my thyroid for the rest of my life....I didn't want another lifelong medicine that wasn't implicitly linked to keeping me alive. I may be wrong about that....mental health is important. For me, the depression is directly tied to the food. And when I get to where I just don't give a shit....but I really DO give a shit and want to do better....but can't seem to summon what it takes (find my mojo again)....and find myself crying in the car every day on the way home from work for no good reason.....then I know it's time to go back on my meds.
Problem #1. I don't have insurance so the dr's visit will cost me $125 that I can't really afford to spend right now. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but the job that I'm so thankful to have, only pays $1 more an hour than I was getting on unemployment. Translation: Things are still very, very hard and very, very stressful...daily.
Problem #2. I would have to take a couple of hours off work to go to the dr's appt and that doesn't look good to my new boss. He promised me a raise in 6 months IF....IF....I didn't miss much work, was always on time and gave him 110%. My 6 months isn't due until Dec. 16th. So I'm nervous about asking for the time to go to the dr....and what it will mean for my review....I REALLY, REALLY need a good raise. I can't hold on like this much longer financially.
On the other hand...I can't hold on much longer mentally, either. I have a roadblock in my brain. I can't seem to get out of the 250's. I know all the right things to do. I know what was working before when I got down into the 220's, although ever so briefly. But I just can't seem to make myself do what I need to do. I care...I cry over it every single day....but I can't seem to make my brain care enough to get the work done. I can't seem to get the right mindset. It's pretty sick actually. I'm sad and depressed and hate this fat, and hate that I can't breathe in any of my clothes, and I feel ugly and gross.....so then I eat something I shouldn't for that fleeting moment of temporary relief...knowing the guilt and the continued disgust is only a minute or two behind that last bite. What stupidity.
I have to do something. I think meds is the answer. I have to save myself.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Cherokee/Biltmore Pics
There were 250 rooms & 45 bathrooms in this house...this is where the pics of some of the rooms start...this is the banquet hall.
Conservatory/atrium
Looking off the veranda on the back side of the mansion.
Bowling alley.
Swimming pool.
Kitchen
Have you laughed today?
Oconaluftee River that runs behind our hotel room.
Can you tell what this is a picture of?? lmao...I have a nosy baby. She likes to stand in the window on the other side of the curtain and stare at the neighbors/tourists. These are her legs sticking out below the curtain..lol...oh I laugh every time I look at this. It's one of my favorite pics! :)
From our family to yours...have a FABULOUS day! :)
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