I've come to the decision that I need to go back on Zoloft? Didn't know I used to take it? Well I did. Probably should have never gone off.
I've had bouts with depression since I was a teenager. No major reason why really, which is the kicker. I think sometimes you just have a chemical imbalance in the brain that can only be corrected or balanced out with meds.
I went for years and years w/o taking meds because...and I'm being totally honest here...I didn't like the stigma. I've grown up since then. I've gotten wiser. Some people need them....like myself. And there shouldn't be any shame in it. I remember the day a few years ago that changed my viewpoint on the matter. I was talking to my sister Brandy about my depression, which was hard to do. She's a very non-emotional person....very straightforward, level-headed, and reason-based....have never seen her overly emotional at any time during our lives. I was telling her I really think there's something wrong with my brain and I need to go on anti-depressants but didn't like the stigma associated with taking them. She told me that was a stupid view, lol. Good ol' sis. She used to be a police officer for the county I live in, and I have no idea why she knew this statistic, but she told me that 60+% of the residents in my county are on anti-depressants.
?!?!?! REALLY ?!?!?!
Welll...suddenly I don't feel so bad, lol. I went to the doctor the next day.
I've been on/off them over the last several years....coming off only because I was feeling pretty damn "normal" (good) and I really do have an aversion to taking any kind of meds. I'm already stuck with taking synthroid for my thyroid for the rest of my life....I didn't want another lifelong medicine that wasn't implicitly linked to keeping me alive. I may be wrong about that....mental health is important. For me, the depression is directly tied to the food. And when I get to where I just don't give a shit....but I really DO give a shit and want to do better....but can't seem to summon what it takes (find my mojo again)....and find myself crying in the car every day on the way home from work for no good reason.....then I know it's time to go back on my meds.
Problem #1. I don't have insurance so the dr's visit will cost me $125 that I can't really afford to spend right now. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but the job that I'm so thankful to have, only pays $1 more an hour than I was getting on unemployment. Translation: Things are still very, very hard and very, very stressful...daily.
Problem #2. I would have to take a couple of hours off work to go to the dr's appt and that doesn't look good to my new boss. He promised me a raise in 6 months IF....IF....I didn't miss much work, was always on time and gave him 110%. My 6 months isn't due until Dec. 16th. So I'm nervous about asking for the time to go to the dr....and what it will mean for my review....I REALLY, REALLY need a good raise. I can't hold on like this much longer financially.
On the other hand...I can't hold on much longer mentally, either. I have a roadblock in my brain. I can't seem to get out of the 250's. I know all the right things to do. I know what was working before when I got down into the 220's, although ever so briefly. But I just can't seem to make myself do what I need to do. I care...I cry over it every single day....but I can't seem to make my brain care enough to get the work done. I can't seem to get the right mindset. It's pretty sick actually. I'm sad and depressed and hate this fat, and hate that I can't breathe in any of my clothes, and I feel ugly and gross.....so then I eat something I shouldn't for that fleeting moment of temporary relief...knowing the guilt and the continued disgust is only a minute or two behind that last bite. What stupidity.
I have to do something. I think meds is the answer. I have to save myself.
4 months ago