A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I Need Meds...Seriously

I've come to the decision that I need to go back on Zoloft?  Didn't know I used to take it?  Well I did.  Probably should have never gone off.

I've had bouts with depression since I was a teenager.  No major reason why really, which is the kicker.  I think sometimes you just have a chemical imbalance in the brain that can only be corrected or balanced out with meds. 

I went for years and years w/o taking meds because...and I'm being totally honest here...I didn't like the stigma.  I've grown up since then.  I've gotten wiser.  Some people need them....like myself.  And there shouldn't be any shame in it.  I remember the day a few years ago that changed my viewpoint on the matter.  I was talking to my sister Brandy about my depression, which was hard to do.  She's a very non-emotional person....very straightforward, level-headed, and reason-based....have never seen her overly emotional at any time during our lives.  I was telling her I really think there's something wrong with my brain and I need to go on anti-depressants but didn't like the stigma associated with taking them.  She told me that was a stupid view, lol.  Good ol' sis.  She used to be a police officer for the county I live in, and I have no idea why she knew this statistic, but she told me that 60+% of the residents in my county are on anti-depressants.

?!?!?!   REALLY  ?!?!?!

Welll...suddenly I don't feel so bad, lol.  I went to the doctor the next day.

I've been on/off them over the last several years....coming off only because I was feeling pretty damn "normal" (good) and I really do have an aversion to taking any kind of meds.  I'm already stuck with taking synthroid for my thyroid for the rest of my life....I didn't want another lifelong medicine that wasn't implicitly linked to keeping me alive.  I may be wrong about that....mental health is important.  For me, the depression is directly tied to the food.  And when I get to where I just don't give a shit....but I really DO give a shit and want to do better....but can't seem to summon what it takes (find my mojo again)....and find myself crying in the car every day on the way home from work for no good reason.....then I know it's time to go back on my meds.

Problem #1.  I don't have insurance so the dr's visit will cost me $125 that I can't really afford to spend right now.  Not sure if I mentioned it before, but the job that I'm so thankful to have, only pays $1 more an hour than I was getting on unemployment.  Translation:  Things are still very, very hard and very, very stressful...daily. 

Problem #2.  I would have to take a couple of hours off work to go to the dr's appt and that doesn't look good to my new boss.  He promised me a raise in 6 months IF....IF....I didn't miss much work, was always on time and gave him 110%.  My 6 months isn't due until Dec. 16th.  So I'm nervous about asking for the time to go to the dr....and what it will mean for my review....I REALLY, REALLY need a good raise.  I can't hold on like this much longer financially.

On the other hand...I can't hold on much longer mentally, either.  I have a roadblock in my brain.  I can't seem to get out of the 250's.  I know all the right things to do.  I know what was working before when I got down into the 220's, although ever so briefly.  But I just can't seem to make myself do what I need to do.  I care...I cry over it every single day....but I can't seem to make my brain care enough to get the work done.  I can't seem to get the right mindset.  It's pretty sick actually.  I'm sad and depressed and hate this fat, and hate that I can't breathe in any of my clothes, and I feel ugly and gross.....so then I eat something I shouldn't for that fleeting moment of temporary relief...knowing the guilt and the continued disgust is only a minute or two behind that last bite.  What stupidity. 

I have to do something.  I think meds is the answer.  I have to save myself.

18 comments:

  1. Can you call in to talk with the triage nurse about getting back on the meds without needing to come in for a visit? Since you've been on them before with success and know/understand the symptoms they might not need to see you. Or you might be able to see an RN instead for a lower visit cost. Or even they'll give you some samples for the first month so you can see how you do -- when I was unemployed my doctor gave me several samples so I wouldn't have to quit taking my anti-depressants.

    Good luck!

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  2. Without insurance is there some sort of county mental health you could check out? Maybe sis has an idea where she can refer you for less expensive therapy.
    I hope you find an answer.

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  3. Hey Girl, You are ok. It's gonna get better. It will!
    Nothing wrong with taking medicine if your body doesn't produce the right chemicals. Who can begrudge a Diabetic from taking medicine if their body doesn't produce effective insulin?
    Or the person with pain that needs medication to reduce pain and inflammation? Depression has that stigma, but it does have a basis in your brain's chemicals (neurochemicals) not working effectively. I'm chronically depressed and I function better on antidepressants. I go off them at times or reduce the dosage, but then the old cycles begin and I need to be back on it. I just accept it. Generic forms of some drugs (prozac -Fluoxetine) are as cheap as $10 a month--all you need to do is see a doc and get a prescription.

    I 'm 100% behind therapy and medication as a treatment , so that you can then focus on your issues.

    I sent you an email with a link for what I
    think is your county for some possible help with clinics/ sliding scale/ etc. Take care

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  4. Gee, Tammy ... as a new reader it's hard for me to reach out but I know the answer isn't think positive and cheer up. For some it does take the right medication to feel whole and enjoy life. Is there a women's clinic close by that you can go to? Don't some of the drug mfrs. have programs to reduce costs of the drug. Does you current place of employment have a EAP? Just throwing things out there. I believe in prayer, that helps me. I know writing things down helps tremendously so you might want to start a emotion journal. You have a lot of people following your blog and I'm sure they're all pulling for you and wishing you the best.

    ~Sheilah

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  5. Tammy, don't put off needed meds until December. If your existing doctor won't just call it in for you, then the county should have resources for you. You should not have to suffer three more months. Sending prayers ...

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  6. There should be no stigma. If there is a chemical imbalance and medication helps then you should take it. Maybe you can get your doctor to call in a prescription or find a clinic that is cheaper and easier to get to. I hope you work through this soon and start feeling better. I've never taken medication for depression but I'm certain I needed it during my last year of work. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to get healthy. If there is absolutely anything I can do, just say the word.

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  7. Wow! I wish I had some awesome advice for you. I agree, if you NEED the meds, you have to get them. I personally am not a fan of meds but I certainly don't judge anyone for needing them. I've toyed with the decision of doing something about depression sometimes, I just keep holding back thinking, I CAN JUST GET THROUGH IT. But then, sometimes I can't. Get help where you need it and continue to blog about it if it helps. Don't overeat!! (ya, easier said than done!)

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  8. You gotta do what you gotta do, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it :)

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  9. Where I live there is a great clinic associated with a hospital... They even give you meds on a sliding cost, or will try to give you something covered under walmart's $4 generic plan. I was on Paxil for a number of years.. I went off it last year after I lost some weight, and found out I , too, had a barely functioning thyroid. I have been feeling much better, but i feel as though I can recognize if I needed it again.

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  10. If you're sure this is what you need, then get what you need. It will make you feel better mentally, which will help you in your weight loss, so it sounds like a win-win to me. I just hope you're able to figure out a way to get them soon.

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  11. Hi Tammy. Don't feel bad about taking medication that will only help you. What stigma? Who cares as long as you feel better. There's a stigma with fat people, people who smoke, people who drink, people who have long hair, etc, etc. I could go on forever. You do whatever you need to do for yourself.

    Up here in Canada I've seen commercials on TV (but I'm not sure if they're Canadian or American, since so much of the TV I watch is US channels), that if you don't have any money you can go to the drug company somehow and they will help you out. I'm not sure how this works but why don't you try getting in contact with Pfizer (who make Zoloft) and see if they can help at all. Another thing, go to your boss ... tell him you need to go to the doctor. He can't be that much of an ass not to let you go.

    Take care of yourself. Remember, you are the most important person in your life!!

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  12. Hi Tammy - Thanks for the text - I didn't read it til this morning and will be emailing you for sure today. I hear you and can relate, as I will tell you in my email. You got some good feedback. There are some SSRIs that are now generic and that will be a lot cheaper. Also, maybe your doc can give you samples, if the company still provides them. You are worth it and I couldn't agree more that mental health is vital. I love you!

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  13. Hi again, Tammy. Thanks for stopping by my blog. A site that I read regularly had a good article. You might want to try the few steps to see if they help you any if you still feel you can't afford to go the medical route. Check it out at http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2010/09/prozac-and-potatoes.html

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  14. I have nothing further to contribute here...everyone has given you some great advice...and you have to do what is best for you...Just know that me, and so many others, are pulling for you!!!

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  15. I was in the exact frame of mind a couple of years ago about wanting to go back on my meds. Couldn't afford them, so a friend suggested to just walk my way to feeling better. I was mad. I didn't want to hear it. Well, I ended up walking every night just to prove her wrong. You wouldn't believe how much better I have felt just by doing a little exercise every day. Try it out. See for yourself. Won't cost you anything. After you get your raise in 6 months then you can go to the doctor if it doesn't work. I promise it will...

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  16. I'm on Zoloft for anxiety. I struggle with it...almost to the point of being unable to walk properly (I start shaking so bad!) It's the only time I'm not able to eat!

    I'm on generic Zoloft, called "Sertraline" (I think.) It's 5 bucks for a 30 day supply. The kicker is that you need that appointment for a prescription.


    FYI: My new blog address is http://brittmitchell.blogspot.com/

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  17. I just went back on 'the meds' and there's no shame in it at all. The health department up in Cobb County is really nice and they can help you. If you end up going to the doctor, always ask for samples. I got my first 2 months free. I'm so sorry you're struggling and hoping it helps to know that I know exactly how you feel and am here for you!

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  18. Hey, girl, if you can get to the Dr soon (don't ANY of the Drs or PA's have evening hours? Saturday?) be sure to mention it is self pay and also see if there is anything that can be done to lower the visit fees.
    They might even allow you to pay it in parts and set up a payment schedule. [especially if it is the office where you always go and they know you.]
    Best, Chrissy

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