A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Kicking Me While I'm Down?

It's no secret that I struggle severely with my weight problem and addiction to food.  I have a real problem.  It's no secret because I post about it all right here.  I'm as honest as I can possibly be.  The only thing I don't post about are very personal things that pop up from time to time and involve people that I love deeply, and out of respect, I leave that out.  But those things are few and far between in the grand scheme of things.  For the most part, you hear it all....good and bad.  Most of it's been bad, as is apparent by my weigh-ins on my sidebar.  I've had some good periods, most of it when I first started blogging over a year ago. 

I struggle with depression...I went through a 3 month break-up with Dwayne (my boyfriend of 6 years)....I endured a year and four months of unemployment....I lost 3 friendships.....and a few other emotional things scattered through that I haven't been able to blog about.   

And guess what?  I'm still here.  I'm still alive.  I still care...and I'm still trying.  Have I failed miserably?  Oh you bet I have....I've screwed it up time and time again.  It's embarassing, and I've fought the urge to shut this blog down many, many times.  But I haven't.  I've held on.  I'm in the fight for my life here, and I still have hope that I can make it out alive....Thinner than I am, and a whole lot healthier and fit. 

My highest weight in my life was 340 lbs.  I'm around 255 lbs. now.  That's about 85 lbs. lost.  I'm not one to toot my own horn....I'm not a vain or overly proud person, but losing 85 lbs. is no small feat. 

I'm struggling again now, trying to get a foothold, reverting back to how I started.....one day at a time.  I set a daily calorie limit of 1800, and to exercise as well as I can, as soon as I can, with a sprained ankle.  Does this sound like a crash diet?  I don't think so.  Not even close.

But I was going through my blog reader on my dashboard tonight, and read that someone posted about me tonight.  They did not use my name, but they used exact phrases I used in a post a few days ago (going for the gold), and talked about the big amt. of weight I lost a few months back (April-15 lbs), then went on to say that I gained twice as much back....and now I'm going on a "crash diet" to get back to where I was (I mentioned in my post that I wonder if I can lose as much as 20 lbs. in a month).

Apparently I should have never wondered about those 20 lbs. out loud.  I guess I just shocked the shit out of someone so badly that they had to blog about it.  I take it back.  I don't want to lose 20 lbs. this month.  I want to lose as much as I can with the plan of not exceeding 1800 calories a day, and exercising as much as I can.   1800 calories and exercising a few days a week is nowhere near a "crash diet"....it's not even close.  When I first started, I was modeling after Sean and ate 1500 calories a day, and working out 6 days a week.  I raised it to 1800 this time because I know what a volume eater I am, especially spending 9 1/2 hours at a desk at work.  I think this is quite sane.

I was shocked to see the blog post.  Crash diet?  Seriously?  Wait a minute....are they judging me????  While I'm struggling,  to boot???  I left a comment disagreeing with their viewpoint on my plan...very politely.  The cool thing about us all having our own little corner of the blog world is that we get to say whatever we please.  So here's what I'm going to say. 

We all have opinions on what we see and what we read.  We all judge.  My hope is that we're doing it internally....not outwardly....and never in a hurtful way.  What was said about me wasn't hurtful...it was just left hanging out there for anyone to form their own opinion on what I'm doing.  They pointed out 4 or 5 other bloggers and what they're doing....and ended the post saying what an interesting world we live in.  Well I'm glad my struggle is so interesting....maybe someone will get out of it what I pray they get out of it.  And that's to never give up on yourself.  Stay in the game.  Know you're worth the fight, and never lose hope. 

There is always hope.


When I awoke this morning, I had second thoughts about this post.  I was a bit offended when I wrote it, and after some good sleep and waking with a fresh mind to a new day, I decided this was too harsh.  I should have kept it to myself.  I got to work, pulled up my computer, and the person that I'm referring to in this post left me a comment.  I also had 9 other comments.  I decided to keep the post up, and only post the comment of the person I'm referring to.  I really like this person.  She's been on my Favorites list on my computer for over a year now.  I appreciate the comment that she left.  Thank you friend.  :) 

The comment is below:

Yup, Tammy. It was me. I didn't even realize I had quoted you about going for the gold. The same expression came to my mind.

When you posted your goal, you didn't talk about how many calories per day. 1800 is totally respectable and not at all a crash diet.

I was just really concerned when you talked about seeing how much you could lose in a month, especially since you had talked about this goal right after talking about the 15 pound loss and the 29 pound gain.

Like all bloggers, I have my own personal way of seeing things, but when I express my disagreement it's really because I am concerned about the person.

I have been reading your blog for a while now and you really have gone through some very tough times in the past year or so. I really, sincerely wish you all the best and hope that in the fullness of time you reach a weight that is sustainable for you and one at which you feel comfortable.
With this response from her....I'm not going to post the rest of the comments, although I appreciate your input.  I did accidentally hit publish on one of the comments and I can't figure out how to remove it now.  But I'm going to leave the rest out.  The only ones I'll publish today will be after I've posted this update.  It was awesome of this person to come over and leave her comment/explanation for me.  Very classy of her.  I've tried to do the right thing by posting her comment within this blog post w/o her name.  Her name is not important....what she had to say is all that matters, and it's appreciated.  Let's move on to the next post tomorrow, shall we?  Have a fabulous day everyone.  :)


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  2. YOU, Tammy, are a classy woman as well. A few times I've gotten comments that were harsh and stung me, and I was kind of wimpy about it, keeping it to myself and just sharing generically about it. I give you a lot of credit for expressing your thoughts, and then being so gracious with the commenter. I'm currently holding a resemtment about a blogger and haven't owned it privately with her. What I did was mention in my blog the little nugget of wisdom, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean." What the person said that day was fine, but she said it mean.

    Sorry for my usual long winded blathering!! I hope you have a great day:)

  3. Classy indeed.

    Keep up the good work (both with regard to fitness and being an overall good person)!

  4. You are doing great. Glad you are back on track!

  5. Tammy, I saw the post too while I was blog surfing. It messed with my mind and am glad that you were able to handle it so graciously. We need less judging and negativity. You never know how it will affect someone. I thought twice about posting my comment to you yesterday about setting goals and am glad you understood I was asking for help and not judging. Thanks for your advice. Having somebody listening meant a lot.

  6. I am amazed at how far you have come. Thank goodness you did not shut down the blog. There are plenty, plenty of us who support you in your efforts to become healthy. You are well on your way by keeping the blog going. Don't let the rants of others get you down. STay strong! Michele

  7. Less judging and negativity - more support - I agree with Mensa.